The hard work of surviving emotional depression and anxiety.

brianlux

What is it when you have depression mixed with anger?  I don't mean harmful or violent anger- I mean more like disappointment in the world and life anger mixed with a sense of futility.  The other day I was driving on a road by myself- a road I know well enough to know where and how I could crash this thing and be sure to do no harm to anyone else (the first law of an Eco-warrior is "Do no harm to anyone else".) I felt really OK about the idea of just crashing headlong into a big tree or something.  Bingo, no more pain, no more worry, no more shitty world.  But I know my wife would be pissed and hurt and I love her.  And I love and respect trees so I thought, "Fuck it, better not to cause her woe and better not to harm the wildlife." 

Thoughts_Arrive

So sorry to hear you're feeling that way. Have you seen a professional? Tbh I've had thoughts of crashing into a tree too. It's actually a common way to suicide. A famous football identity in Australia recently went out this way. And like you, I often am angry at the world and life.

Thoughts_Arrive

Things that make me depressed:

Animal cruelty

Racism

Homophobia

Transphobia

Islamophobia

Mistreatment of asylum seekers

Marginalisation of the poor in our society

Disrespect for the culture and land rights of Indigenous Australians

brianlux

Thoughts_Arrive said:

So sorry to hear you're feeling that way. Have you seen a professional? Tbh I've had thoughts of crashing into a tree too. It's actually a common way to suicide. A famous football identity in Australia recently went out this way. And like you, I often am angry at the world and life.

Thanks, friend. 

OffSheGoes35

brianlux said:

What is it when you have depression mixed with anger?  I don't mean harmful or violent anger- I mean more like disappointment in the world and life anger mixed with a sense of futility.  The other day I was driving on a road by myself- a road I know well enough to know where and how I could crash this thing and be sure to do no harm to anyone else (the first law of an Eco-warrior is "Do no harm to anyone else".) I felt really OK about the idea of just crashing headlong into a big tree or something.  Bingo, no more pain, no more worry, no more shitty world.  But I know my wife would be pissed and hurt and I love her.  And I love and respect trees so I thought, "Fuck it, better not to cause her woe and better not to harm the wildlife." 

Thank you for not crashing.
Thank you for thinking of your wife.
Thank you for respecting trees & wildlife.

brianlux

OffSheGoes35 said:

brianlux said:

What is it when you have depression mixed with anger?  I don't mean harmful or violent anger- I mean more like disappointment in the world and life anger mixed with a sense of futility.  The other day I was driving on a road by myself- a road I know well enough to know where and how I could crash this thing and be sure to do no harm to anyone else (the first law of an Eco-warrior is "Do no harm to anyone else".) I felt really OK about the idea of just crashing headlong into a big tree or something.  Bingo, no more pain, no more worry, no more shitty world.  But I know my wife would be pissed and hurt and I love her.  And I love and respect trees so I thought, "Fuck it, better not to cause her woe and better not to harm the wildlife." 

Thank you for not crashing.
Thank you for thinking of your wife.
Thank you for respecting trees & wildlife.

Thank you for kind words. 

hedonist

I don't know...I'd consider driving into a tree (or off a bridge, etc.) to be harmful and violent.  And the clean-up!

Seriously, it sounds more like frustration at feeling helpless and just wanting to say "fuck it all".

The world isn't shitty, by the way.  At least I don't think it is, overall.  Some days it seems that way, but maybe it depends on the lens color of the glasses we're wearing at the time.

rollings

brianlux said:

What is it when you have depression mixed with anger?  I don't mean harmful or violent anger- I mean more like disappointment in the world and life anger mixed with a sense of futility.  The other day I was driving on a road by myself- a road I know well enough to know where and how I could crash this thing and be sure to do no harm to anyone else (the first law of an Eco-warrior is "Do no harm to anyone else".) I felt really OK about the idea of just crashing headlong into a big tree or something.  Bingo, no more pain, no more worry, no more shitty world.  But I know my wife would be pissed and hurt and I love her.  And I love and respect trees so I thought, "Fuck it, better not to cause her woe and better not to harm the wildlife." 

When I was in college, I had a guitar class with maybe just 5 or 6 students in the class. I forget what song the teacher was teaching us but I remember her referring to it and saying "wouldn't we all just like to drive off a cliff sometimes? ...don't  we all feel that way sometime or another? " . She actually felt comfortable saying that to a bunch of 17 or 19 1/2 year olds and oddly enough, nobody looked that astonished. Everyone was like, "oh, it's just not me?" 
 So, Mr. Luxemberg, it's just not you.

 there is a difference , however, between that feeling and a little nagging voice inside your head that appears every once in a while telling you to go ahead and kill yourself, it's the perfect time in your life to do so. THAT stuff is the serious kind that needs professional attention.  

I learned about that while researching suicide after Chris Cornell's death. Suicide doesn't necessarily mean depression. It could be much more sinister and lifelong than sudden and  as quick dismissed urges 

josevolution

The world is a better place for having you in it ! We need you here ...

brianlux

I'm feeling hugely depressed and cranky in light of the current state of affairs- COVID-19, Trump killing the USPS, and the current killer heat wave we are just entering here in Hell Dorado County, Calif. (to name a few).   I would beat my head against my desk but that would take too much energy. 

lastexitlondon

Im with you brian its all too much for me

dankind

I never asked for this life, but I’ve wished for death countless times.

Purple Fairy Tree

I'm really sorry to hear that @brianlux @lastexitlondon @dankind and anyone else.

You guys are like a ray of sunshine for me. I'm getting a bit fed up with all this but blimey, things change. Talking about your feelings and sharing is a good way to go. 

I guess it's good to look for those small little things which make life feel worthwhile.  I was well pissed off last week but someone told me their story of recovery and becoming a paramedic, so inspiring and uplifting. 

There are silver linings everywhere and they dont even have to be big things. Sometimes the little things are the big things.

brianlux

lastexitlondon said:

Im with you brian its all too much for me

Hang in there, my friend!

dankind said:

I never asked for this life, but I’ve wished for death countless times.

I'm glad death hasn't caught up with you, dankind.  Hang in there!

West Coast Dreamgirl said:

I'm really sorry to hear that @brianlux @lastexitlondon @dankind and anyone else.

You guys are like a ray of sunshine for me. I'm getting a bit fed up with all this but blimey, things change. Talking about your feelings and sharing is a good way to go. 

I guess it's good to look for those small little things which make life feel worthwhile.  I was well pissed off last week but someone told me their story of recovery and becoming a paramedic, so inspiring and uplifting. 

There are silver linings everywhere and they dont even have to be big things. Sometimes the little things are the big things.

Thank you for reminding me to look for those silver linings, Dream Girl! 

Purple Fairy Tree

You're all flipping amazing and this place wouldn't be half as good without you all xxx

brianlux

West Coast Dreamgirl said:

You're all flipping amazing and this place wouldn't be half as good without you all xxx

And you as well! 

lastexitlondon

When is enough. Enough. 
The Rn is 1 all over the  uk and i dont believe  that even. Schools go back in 2 weeks. How?
Im forced  because  of my partners son 13 to be involved.  I wont and cant. Its not safe. 
Ive had enough not able to get out of bed until afternoon as it is. 

Purple Fairy Tree

It's really depressing right now so I'm watching Gigaton.

RogueStoner

Hang in there to those struggling. You guys have been a source of comfort and strength for me many times. Today has been a rough day and I’m grateful to have a safe place to share with some really great people.

Fifthelement

It’s definitely been a week!  Sending love, light and support to everyone here who needs it and hoping it comes back.