The hard work of surviving emotional depression and anxiety.

13

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  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 40,596
    What is it when you have depression mixed with anger?  I don't mean harmful or violent anger- I mean more like disappointment in the world and life anger mixed with a sense of futility.  The other day I was driving on a road by myself- a road I know well enough to know where and how I could crash this thing and be sure to do no harm to anyone else (the first law of an Eco-warrior is "Do no harm to anyone else".) I felt really OK about the idea of just crashing headlong into a big tree or something.  Bingo, no more pain, no more worry, no more shitty world.  But I know my wife would be pissed and hurt and I love her.  And I love and respect trees so I thought, "Fuck it, better not to cause her woe and better not to harm the wildlife." 
    “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
    Variously credited to Mark Twain or Edward Abbey.













  • Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    So sorry to hear you're feeling that way. Have you seen a professional? Tbh I've had thoughts of crashing into a tree too. It's actually a common way to suicide. A famous football identity in Australia recently went out this way. And like you, I often am angry at the world and life.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    Things that make me depressed:
    Animal cruelty
    Racism
    Homophobia
    Transphobia
    Islamophobia
    Mistreatment of asylum seekers
    Marginalisation of the poor in our society
    Disrespect for the culture and land rights of Indigenous Australians
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 40,596
    So sorry to hear you're feeling that way. Have you seen a professional? Tbh I've had thoughts of crashing into a tree too. It's actually a common way to suicide. A famous football identity in Australia recently went out this way. And like you, I often am angry at the world and life.
    Thanks, friend. 
    “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
    Variously credited to Mark Twain or Edward Abbey.













  • OffSheGoes35OffSheGoes35 Posts: 3,487
    brianlux said:
    What is it when you have depression mixed with anger?  I don't mean harmful or violent anger- I mean more like disappointment in the world and life anger mixed with a sense of futility.  The other day I was driving on a road by myself- a road I know well enough to know where and how I could crash this thing and be sure to do no harm to anyone else (the first law of an Eco-warrior is "Do no harm to anyone else".) I felt really OK about the idea of just crashing headlong into a big tree or something.  Bingo, no more pain, no more worry, no more shitty world.  But I know my wife would be pissed and hurt and I love her.  And I love and respect trees so I thought, "Fuck it, better not to cause her woe and better not to harm the wildlife." 
    Thank you for not crashing.
    Thank you for thinking of your wife.
    Thank you for respecting trees & wildlife.
  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 40,596
    brianlux said:
    What is it when you have depression mixed with anger?  I don't mean harmful or violent anger- I mean more like disappointment in the world and life anger mixed with a sense of futility.  The other day I was driving on a road by myself- a road I know well enough to know where and how I could crash this thing and be sure to do no harm to anyone else (the first law of an Eco-warrior is "Do no harm to anyone else".) I felt really OK about the idea of just crashing headlong into a big tree or something.  Bingo, no more pain, no more worry, no more shitty world.  But I know my wife would be pissed and hurt and I love her.  And I love and respect trees so I thought, "Fuck it, better not to cause her woe and better not to harm the wildlife." 
    Thank you for not crashing.
    Thank you for thinking of your wife.
    Thank you for respecting trees & wildlife.
    Thank you for kind words.  :smile:
    “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
    Variously credited to Mark Twain or Edward Abbey.













  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of forever Posts: 24,524
    I don't know...I'd consider driving into a tree (or off a bridge, etc.) to be harmful and violent.  And the clean-up!

    Seriously, it sounds more like frustration at feeling helpless and just wanting to say "fuck it all".

    The world isn't shitty, by the way.  At least I don't think it is, overall.  Some days it seems that way, but maybe it depends on the lens color of the glasses we're wearing at the time.
  • rollingsrollings unknown Posts: 7,124
    brianlux said:
    What is it when you have depression mixed with anger?  I don't mean harmful or violent anger- I mean more like disappointment in the world and life anger mixed with a sense of futility.  The other day I was driving on a road by myself- a road I know well enough to know where and how I could crash this thing and be sure to do no harm to anyone else (the first law of an Eco-warrior is "Do no harm to anyone else".) I felt really OK about the idea of just crashing headlong into a big tree or something.  Bingo, no more pain, no more worry, no more shitty world.  But I know my wife would be pissed and hurt and I love her.  And I love and respect trees so I thought, "Fuck it, better not to cause her woe and better not to harm the wildlife." 
    When I was in college, I had a guitar class with maybe just 5 or 6 students in the class. I forget what song the teacher was teaching us but I remember her referring to it and saying "wouldn't we all just like to drive off a cliff sometimes? ...don't  we all feel that way sometime or another? " . She actually felt comfortable saying that to a bunch of 17 or 19 1/2 year olds and oddly enough, nobody looked that astonished. Everyone was like, "oh, it's just not me?" 
     So, Mr. Luxemberg, it's just not you.

     there is a difference , however, between that feeling and a little nagging voice inside your head that appears every once in a while telling you to go ahead and kill yourself, it's the perfect time in your life to do so. THAT stuff is the serious kind that needs professional attention.  

    I learned about that while researching suicide after Chris Cornell's death. Suicide doesn't necessarily mean depression. It could be much more sinister and lifelong than sudden and  as quick dismissed urges 
  • josevolutionjosevolution Posts: 28,258
    The world is a better place for having you in it ! We need you here ...
    jesus greets me looks just like me ....
  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 40,596
    I'm feeling hugely depressed and cranky in light of the current state of affairs- COVID-19, Trump killing the USPS, and the current killer heat wave we are just entering here in Hell Dorado County, Calif. (to name a few).   I would beat my head against my desk but that would take too much energy. 

    “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
    Variously credited to Mark Twain or Edward Abbey.













  • lastexitlondonlastexitlondon Posts: 11,712
    Im with you brian its all too much for me
    brixton 93
    astoria 06
    albany 06
    hartford 06
    reading 06
    barcelona 06
    paris 06
    wembley 07
    dusseldorf 07
    nijmegen 07

    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • dankinddankind I am not your foot. Posts: 20,827
    I never asked for this life, but I’ve wished for death countless times.
    I SAW PEARL JAM
  • I'm really sorry to hear that @brianlux @lastexitlondon @dankind and anyone else.

    You guys are like a ray of sunshine for me. I'm getting a bit fed up with all this but blimey, things change. Talking about your feelings and sharing is a good way to go. 

    I guess it's good to look for those small little things which make life feel worthwhile.  I was well pissed off last week but someone told me their story of recovery and becoming a paramedic, so inspiring and uplifting. 

    There are silver linings everywhere and they dont even have to be big things. Sometimes the little things are the big things.
  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 40,596
    Im with you brian its all too much for me
    Hang in there, my friend!
    dankind said:
    I never asked for this life, but I’ve wished for death countless times.
    I'm glad death hasn't caught up with you, dankind.  Hang in there!
    I'm really sorry to hear that @brianlux @lastexitlondon @dankind and anyone else.

    You guys are like a ray of sunshine for me. I'm getting a bit fed up with all this but blimey, things change. Talking about your feelings and sharing is a good way to go. 

    I guess it's good to look for those small little things which make life feel worthwhile.  I was well pissed off last week but someone told me their story of recovery and becoming a paramedic, so inspiring and uplifting. 

    There are silver linings everywhere and they dont even have to be big things. Sometimes the little things are the big things.
    Thank you for reminding me to look for those silver linings, Dream Girl! 

    “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
    Variously credited to Mark Twain or Edward Abbey.













  • You're all flipping amazing and this place wouldn't be half as good without you all xxx
  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 40,596
    edited August 2020
    You're all flipping amazing and this place wouldn't be half as good without you all xxx

    And you as well!  :plus_one:
    “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
    Variously credited to Mark Twain or Edward Abbey.













  • lastexitlondonlastexitlondon Posts: 11,712
    When is enough. Enough. 
    The Rn is 1 all over the  uk and i dont believe  that even. Schools go back in 2 weeks. How?
    Im forced  because  of my partners son 13 to be involved.  I wont and cant. Its not safe. 
    Ive had enough not able to get out of bed until afternoon as it is. 
    brixton 93
    astoria 06
    albany 06
    hartford 06
    reading 06
    barcelona 06
    paris 06
    wembley 07
    dusseldorf 07
    nijmegen 07

    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • West Coast DreamgirlWest Coast Dreamgirl Posts: 1,819
    edited August 2020
    It's really depressing right now so I'm watching Gigaton.
    Post edited by West Coast Dreamgirl on
  • RogueStonerRogueStoner Sunny AZ Posts: 1,716
    Hang in there to those struggling. You guys have been a source of comfort and strength for me many times. Today has been a rough day and I’m grateful to have a safe place to share with some really great people. :hug:
  • FifthelementFifthelement Lotusland Posts: 6,905
    It’s definitely been a week!  Sending love, light and support to everyone here who needs it and hoping it comes back.
    "What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 40,596
    When is enough. Enough. 
    The Rn is 1 all over the  uk and i dont believe  that even. Schools go back in 2 weeks. How?
    Im forced  because  of my partners son 13 to be involved.  I wont and cant. Its not safe. 
    Ive had enough not able to get out of bed until afternoon as it is. 

    It's really depressing right now  so I'm watching Gigaton.

    Hang in there to those struggling. You guys have been a source of comfort and strength for me many times. Today has been a rough day and I’m grateful to have a safe place to share with some really great people. :hug:

    It’s definitely been a week!  Sending love, light and support to everyone here who needs it and hoping it comes back.

    Good thoughts for you, my friends.  Thanks for your goodness and sweet vibes.  Hang in there!


    “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
    Variously credited to Mark Twain or Edward Abbey.













  • hedonisthedonist standing on the edge of forever Posts: 24,524
    I've mentioned to my husband and a close friend that I’ve been considering going back to therapy.  It was extremely helpful in the time shortly after my diagnosis and sudden sobriety, and given the past couple years and the (hopefully minor) potential for more not-so-goodness, it could be beneficial to release or expound on shit I'd rather not burden my husband or others with.

    Guess I'll talk about it with my doc when I see her next. 

    And from here too, good wishes to those who need it.
  • lastexitlondonlastexitlondon Posts: 11,712
    Good idea hedo. Its so important  to recognise this in ones self and act on it early as possible. 
    A strength
    brixton 93
    astoria 06
    albany 06
    hartford 06
    reading 06
    barcelona 06
    paris 06
    wembley 07
    dusseldorf 07
    nijmegen 07

    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • GlowGirlGlowGirl New York, NY Posts: 9,707
    hedonist said:
    I've mentioned to my husband and a close friend that I’ve been considering going back to therapy.  It was extremely helpful in the time shortly after my diagnosis and sudden sobriety, and given the past couple years and the (hopefully minor) potential for more not-so-goodness, it could be beneficial to release or expound on shit I'd rather not burden my husband or others with.

    Guess I'll talk about it with my doc when I see her next. 

    And from here too, good wishes to those who need it.
    It is good to take care of yourself in times like these and recognize when to ask others for help if you need it. Self-awareness of your own feelings are so important these days.

  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 40,596
    hedonist said:
    I've mentioned to my husband and a close friend that I’ve been considering going back to therapy.  It was extremely helpful in the time shortly after my diagnosis and sudden sobriety, and given the past couple years and the (hopefully minor) potential for more not-so-goodness, it could be beneficial to release or expound on shit I'd rather not burden my husband or others with.

    Guess I'll talk about it with my doc when I see her next. 

    And from here too, good wishes to those who need it.

    Kudos, Hedo!  Very wise of you to know when to reach out for help. 
    “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
    Variously credited to Mark Twain or Edward Abbey.













  • West Coast DreamgirlWest Coast Dreamgirl Posts: 1,819
    edited August 2020
    Thanks everyone, good advice and wishing you all good vibes too xxx
  • RogueStonerRogueStoner Sunny AZ Posts: 1,716
    I have seen 3 therapists in the last couple of years, after trying so hard to find one at all. It seems like they’re all full and aren’t accepting new patients. That is especially frustrating for someone with severe anxiety. None of the three I saw worked out. The first informed me in a very long document that she reports everything. It made me immediately reluctant to talk about anything. The second tried to teach me mindfulness and I failed miserably. The third just agreed with me on everything. Not helpful. I know I’m not always right. 

    The whole process is so frustrating but important. And so the search continues...
  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 40,596
    I have seen 3 therapists in the last couple of years, after trying so hard to find one at all. It seems like they’re all full and aren’t accepting new patients. That is especially frustrating for someone with severe anxiety. None of the three I saw worked out. The first informed me in a very long document that she reports everything. It made me immediately reluctant to talk about anything. The second tried to teach me mindfulness and I failed miserably. The third just agreed with me on everything. Not helpful. I know I’m not always right. 

    The whole process is so frustrating but important. And so the search continues...

    That sucks, RS.  I'm not surprised therapist and counselors are booked these day.  I'll bet a lot of therapists have therapists themselves.  And some of them (as you've may have seen) are probably in the wrong business.  But the good people are out there and  I hope you not only find one available, but a really good one too!  Keep trying!

    Meanwhile, we're all here, doing what we can for each other.  Thank goodness.   Hang in there!  :smile:
    “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
    Variously credited to Mark Twain or Edward Abbey.













  • dankinddankind I am not your foot. Posts: 20,827
    brianlux said:
    I have seen 3 therapists in the last couple of years, after trying so hard to find one at all. It seems like they’re all full and aren’t accepting new patients. That is especially frustrating for someone with severe anxiety. None of the three I saw worked out. The first informed me in a very long document that she reports everything. It made me immediately reluctant to talk about anything. The second tried to teach me mindfulness and I failed miserably. The third just agreed with me on everything. Not helpful. I know I’m not always right. 

    The whole process is so frustrating but important. And so the search continues...

    That sucks, RS.  I'm not surprised therapist and counselors are booked these day.  I'll bet a lot of therapists have therapists themselves.  And some of them (as you've may have seen) are probably in the wrong business.  But the good people are out there and  I hope you not only find one available, but a really good one too!  Keep trying!

    Meanwhile, we're all here, doing what we can for each other.  Thank goodness.   Hang in there!  :smile:
    My last therapist was a big CBT twat. I told her that CBT is an absolute fail for someone like me, but she still attempted to lead the treatment in that direction. So, no more therapist. 
    I SAW PEARL JAM
  • deadendpdeadendp Northeast Ohio Posts: 10,434
    dankind said:
    brianlux said:
    I have seen 3 therapists in the last couple of years, after trying so hard to find one at all. It seems like they’re all full and aren’t accepting new patients. That is especially frustrating for someone with severe anxiety. None of the three I saw worked out. The first informed me in a very long document that she reports everything. It made me immediately reluctant to talk about anything. The second tried to teach me mindfulness and I failed miserably. The third just agreed with me on everything. Not helpful. I know I’m not always right. 

    The whole process is so frustrating but important. And so the search continues...

    That sucks, RS.  I'm not surprised therapist and counselors are booked these day.  I'll bet a lot of therapists have therapists themselves.  And some of them (as you've may have seen) are probably in the wrong business.  But the good people are out there and  I hope you not only find one available, but a really good one too!  Keep trying!

    Meanwhile, we're all here, doing what we can for each other.  Thank goodness.   Hang in there!  :smile:
    My last therapist was a big CBT twat. I told her that CBT is an absolute fail for someone like me, but she still attempted to lead the treatment in that direction. So, no more therapist. 
    K does CBT, but it definitely doesn't fix all. She has such therapist trust issues and any time E has off for baby birthing, K has needed to discontinue therapy. One woman, despite my child telling her she didn't want to go there, was trying to dive into the details of a school trip to Philly where some girl hard core tried to take advantage of K. K already handled it with E and she could not understand why baby birthing therapy substitute decided to pull that out of the archives. Pissed my kid off. She told E when she got back. She now no longer refers K to anyone else while on birthing holiday. 
    2014: Cincinnati
    2016: Lexington and Wrigley 1
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