Holidays after the loss of a loved one

chiquimonkeychiquimonkey Posts: 9,337
edited December 2011 in All Encompassing Trip
Been dealing with this since my mom passed away in June. This month is especially tricky since her birthday was also on 12/1. I feel like I'm bipolar or something...one minute I'm all on track for holiday stuff (cards, buying gifts, decorating) and then the next I just flat out don't give a fuck and want to rip it all down. It's been a hard balancing act. Keeping busy seems to be helping some anyway.

I'm thinking what my dad and sis and I can do for Christmas itself. Part of me just wants to go somewhere completely different and celebrate in another way. The other part of me just wants to sleep through it till it's over.

So yep. Bright ball of fucking sunshine I am, I know lol

I know others here are facing the same situation and thought it might help to have a spot to share, and if others that have gone through the same thing have any words of wisdom or encouragement.
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  • I have (had) an interesting situation... My dad passed away at 11:55 PM on December 24th...

    No as you know I am jewish so Christmas is not my holiday but with it also being Hanukkah and with the world celebrating it's always there... At the beginning it was really hard (this is 29 years ago) because watching others celebrate while you were mourning just adds to the depression...

    But I will tell you that after the first couple of years, there is something almost comforting about it because it always makes me think of my dad and makes me remember how he loved the holidays... It becomes a moment (like his birthday) where you can think more clearly about them because there is a touchstone...

    The first one will be the worst, but I promise it gets better.
    GoiMTvP.gif
  • 8181 Needing a ride to Forest Hills and a ounce of weed. Please inquire within. Thanks. Or not. Posts: 58,276
    imo, the first the year is a little weird...but you have to adjust and move on....
    81 is now off the air

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  • normnorm I'm always home. I'm uncool. Posts: 31,147
    last year sucked...no 2 ways about it...i always associate thanksgiving and christmas with my mom...however, being in a large family, it helped being all together for the holidays...but there was still something missing and there always will

    as long as you, your sis and dad are together you'll make it through
  • Cliffy6745Cliffy6745 Posts: 33,582
    I am sorry to hear and I am right there with you as I lost my dad this March. He was just 60. Going to be a really tough holidays.

    We are doing something a little different. We have always had Christmas at my parents, in New York then North Carolina but this year we are having it in Philly and going skiing in Vermont the week after. Didn't want to sit around and do something so familiar. We thought about just going on vacation but it didn't work out with peoples time off from work.

    Going to be really hard though, especially New Years, he loved coming here and watching football and the mummers parade.

    Don't really have any advice to add but wanted to chime in as it has already gotten tough. All I can really say is enjoy it and push through it with the family you have.

    Bought him a bottle of Makers 46 for Christmas last year. We had a drink of it on Christmas and a drink the night before he went into the hospital for his brain surgery. I'll definitely be having a drink of it in his honor on Christmas.
  • Thanks everybody for the input, I appreciate it.
  • 8181 Needing a ride to Forest Hills and a ounce of weed. Please inquire within. Thanks. Or not. Posts: 58,276
    Cliffy6745 wrote:
    We are doing something a little different. We have always had Christmas at my parents, in New York then North Carolina but this year we are having it in Philly and going skiing in Vermont the week after. Didn't want to sit around and do something so familiar. We thought about just going on vacation but it didn't work out with peoples time off from work.

    we've started to take christmas vacations as well. since it's just the two of us and neither is in retail, it's pretty easy to get the time off.
    81 is now off the air

    Off_Air.jpg
  • Cliffy6745Cliffy6745 Posts: 33,582
    81 wrote:
    Cliffy6745 wrote:
    We are doing something a little different. We have always had Christmas at my parents, in New York then North Carolina but this year we are having it in Philly and going skiing in Vermont the week after. Didn't want to sit around and do something so familiar. We thought about just going on vacation but it didn't work out with peoples time off from work.

    we've started to take christmas vacations as well. since it's just the two of us and neither is in retail, it's pretty easy to get the time off.

    Nice, yeah, we were thinking about heading somewhere pretty different but my sister is a lawyer now and started working recently so she can't take time off. My mom and I are just going skiing.
  • JK_LivinJK_Livin South Jersey Posts: 7,364
    Just do they best you can. My Mom passed away 15 years ago and my Dad 20. The first few years will be difficult but so will any situation that you used to participate with her. It will get better but it will also suck at times as well.
    Alright, alright, alright!
    Tom O.
    "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?"
    -The Writer
  • joe2317joe2317 Posts: 151
    Sorry for your loss OP (as well as everyone else in a similar situation). I lost my dad in August -age 61- so Thanksgiving just wasn't the same and I'm sure Christmas will be difficult as well. Reading your post kinda stirred it all up again. This may sound trite given that we're on a PJ fan club forum, but the music really has helped me cope and work through.


    You are quite the talented artist by the way. :) -Just checked out your work.
    * Oklahoma City Ford Center - Apr 03, 2003
    * Kansas City Sprint Center - May 03, 2010
    * Alpine Valley Music Theatre - Sep 03, 2011
    * Alpine Valley Music Theatre - Sep 04, 2011

  • joe2317 wrote:
    Sorry for your loss OP (as well as everyone else in a similar situation). I lost my dad in August -age 61- so Thanksgiving just wasn't the same and I'm sure Christmas will be difficult as well. Reading your post kinda stirred it all up again. This may sound trite given that we're on a PJ fan club forum, but the music really has helped me cope and work through.


    You are quite the talented artist by the way. :) -Just checked out your work.
    Thanks :) my work has gotten a little weird lately, but I guess that's par for the course.

    I apologize if bringing this topic up makes anyone upset. Last thing I want to do is make anybody sad!
  • mickeyratmickeyrat up my ass, like Chadwick was up his Posts: 35,410
    theres always a first until they become a second. In time Barb, the hurt will fade and the smiles will return when you think how much they would enjoy this time. Yeah it can be bittersweet at times , but life does move on.
    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • CheeksCheeks Posts: 151
    Sorry for your loss... to everyone.
    Slightly different situation, but Christmas the year we lost our first daughter was difficult, obviously, and it would have been her first Christmas. Just to sort of acknowledge that she was missing from our lives over the holidays, we purchased a special Christmas tree ornament, a little angel, that we hang on the tree every year and sort of take a minute to think of her (not that we don't anyway, but you know what I mean).
    Deep loss changes you, for sure, but it's not always a bad change and it does get easier over time....
    take care.
  • EnkiduEnkidu So Cal Posts: 2,995
    The first year is the worst - for Christmas, for Thanksgiving - my mom died a couple of years ago and Mother's Day was definitely awful. But the good news, it really does get better. One of the things I love now is at Thanksgiving, even though both my parents are gone, I make my dad's "famous oysters" and my mom's chocolate pie. My husband makes his (late) mom's onions. We use some of my grandmother's dishes and it's sort of like all these people who aren't there anymore are still there in a way.

    That might sound maudlin, but it's nice. Not the same, but okay.
  • JOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOE Posts: 10,408
    I hope you are able to find some enjoyment out, or at least not feel totally sad, during the holidays, Ms. Monkey!

    I know December will be difficult for me because we used to always celebrate my dad's (15th), my brother's (8th)and my birthday (20th) all at the same time right around Christmas.

    I am going to make a point of doing a proper hannukah celebration this year so that the family can get together. My brother has 6 kids, and believe you me, it ain't easy trying to shop for 6 chassids!

    To help comfort my mom, I am taking her and some other family members out to my dad's favorite restaurant on what would have been his 85th birthday next Thurday.

    I wish the best for all of those who have lost loved ones, or who have gone thru difficulties this year!
  • chadwickchadwick up my ass Posts: 21,157
    haven't had a good christmas in years. dad and ryan being gone has a lot to do with it. fact of the matter is christmas doesn't mean a damn thing to me anymore.

    and when i have given gifts to loved ones rarely have i ever gotten a thank you. this being my first christmas home in 9 or 10 years. it'll be like thanksgiving was, no big deal... but it coulda been. :(
    for poetry through the ceiling. ISBN: 1 4241 8840 7

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  • PJaddictedPJaddicted Posts: 1,432
    I think what you are experiencing is very normal. I lost my dad on January 6th, and the very last day I ever saw him was on Christmas. He loved the holiday, all of it, the music, the decorations, food....I still find it painful so many years later. I miss him. This year I lost my Petey in August and step brother Thanksgiving weekend, so it's been a bit sad around here again. I know Petey was just a dog, but to me he was my furchild. I'm still crying every day. I decided instead of sitting around being sad to invite a ton of people over for a few different parties, Peking Duck tomorrow night, a Solstice Party at the Tipi and Xmas day here. I am to make lots of good food and have fun. Gifts are no longer a focus, precious time with family and friends is. I suggest you guys do something different this year. The firsts are all so difficult as you adjust to missing your loved one. Love you B!
    ~*LIVE~LOVE~LAUGH*~

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    — Unknown
  • Been dealing with this since my mom passed away in June. This month is especially tricky since her birthday was also on 12/1. I feel like I'm bipolar or something...one minute I'm all on track for holiday stuff (cards, buying gifts, decorating) and then the next I just flat out don't give a fuck and want to rip it all down. It's been a hard balancing act. Keeping busy seems to be helping some anyway.

    I'm thinking what my dad and sis and I can do for Christmas itself. Part of me just wants to go somewhere completely different and celebrate in another way. The other part of me just wants to sleep through it till it's over.

    So yep. Bright ball of fucking sunshine I am, I know lol

    I know others here are facing the same situation and thought it might help to have a spot to share, and if others that have gone through the same thing have any words of wisdom or encouragement.

    I know this isn't nearly in the same ballpark as what you're going through, but when my brother was deployed in Afghanistan, my parents flat-out said there was no way we could have a traditional Christmas with the presents and the tree without him there, it would destroy them. So instead we took the $$ we would've spent on presents and stayed at a nice hotel in Calistoga. A complete change of scenery away from our usual Christmas really helped us...it was still very sad not having him there, but just doing something different made it less painful. This might not work for you logistically, but even changing up your family's normal Christmas routine a little might help...maybe start a new tradition or something. hope this helps, Barbara. Again, very sorry for your loss.
  • pandorapandora Posts: 21,855
    The Christmas after losing my Mother, 11 months after, I totally lost it.
    I liken it to a post stress syndrome situation.

    Far from myself, unable to cope, emotions every which way.
    Short with loved ones and then I totally broke down at our business Christmas party.
    My dearest employee Joe, who has since passed, helped me much
    that evening. A good man a good friend.

    It was pretty horrible that Christmas, worse than when she first left this world
    the January '99.

    But time heals.

    And with each year she feels closer to me, she is not missed less but appreciated more.

    Things will get better chiquimonkey ...
    I am sorry you are going through this.
  • brianluxbrianlux Moving through All Kinds of Terrain. Posts: 40,592
    I know very much what you mean, chiquimonkey . My Mom passed away a few years ago and for the first year after that everything was "the first time since"... It's always sad missing her at certain times but after the first year it isn't as hard. I hope you find the same to be true. Meanwhile, wishing you the best and understand how hard it is to lose a loved one.
    “The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man [or woman] who lives fully is prepared to die at any time.”
    Variously credited to Mark Twain or Edward Abbey.













  • Thanks so much again for all the input, I've taken all of it into my heart. Had yet another fitful night of sleep having flashbacks and replays of the hospital and funeral...it is some solace to know that things get a little easier with time. Just have to grit my teeth and get through this for now.
  • LizardLizard So Cal Posts: 12,069
    sorry Chiqui.
    like everyone else said, it will be hard and then easier to deal with as time goes on.
    Was hard after my dad and sister
    So I'll just lie down and wait for the dream
    Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
  • times like these I am fortunate not to be in a close family

    it must be hard for those that are.
  • JOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOE Posts: 10,408
    brother123 wrote:
    times like these I am fortunate not to be in a close family

    it must be hard for those that are.

    I wasn't all that close with my family, but once my dad became terminally ill, that all changed.
  • mfc2006mfc2006 HTOWN Posts: 37,368
    man...
    that first Christmas after my Dad passed away was brutal. it does get easier, though...but he is sorely missed. it's hard to think of all of the things that he's missed being a part of....
    -my sisters wedding
    -my brothers wedding
    -my wedding
    -the birth of 3 more grandkids
    -my moms retirement...

    it's tough. but i take comfort knowing that he isn't in pain anymore & do my best to live my life to the fullest.

    remember the good times & allow yourself to grieve.

    Matt
    I LOVE MUSIC.
    www.cluthelee.com
    www.cluthe.com
  • Thoughts are with all of you in reading this thread. I lost my best friend in February. Gonna be tough this Xmas. I miss him so much. Think about him everyday.
    "FF, I've heard the droning about the Sawx being the baby dolls. Yeah, I get it, you guys invented baseball and suffered forever. I get it." -JearlPam0925
  • iamicaiamica Chicago Posts: 2,628
    I know how you feel. This is going to be my first Christmas without my grandma. I was decorating the tree and I came across one of the ornaments she gave me, and I was just a mess after that...it didn't help that I found another ornament that looked like my childhood cat, who died 6 years ago and who I still miss.
    Just remember, the first one is always the hardest. They wouldn't have wanted you to be sad. Try to focus on the positive parts of the holidays, and find ways to honor them in the midst of it all.
    Chicago 2000 : Chicago 2003 : Chicago 2006 : Summerfest 2006 : Lollapalooza 2007 : Chicago 2009 : Noblesville (Indy) 2010 : PJ20 (East Troy) 2011 : Wrigley Field 2013 : Milwaukee (Yield) 2014 : Wrigley Field 2016
  • hanjennihanjenni Posts: 174
    it sucks, but it gets better. january will be 9 years since my mom passed...but she went into the hospital on 12/16 (the day before my birthday) after being ill for some time, and so was in the hospital where i spent my birthday with her and christmas and new years, until her passing.

    holidays are always hard because of these reminders. but, more and more every year you simply remember the good times and the happy things, and the missing them and the sadness will always be around, but the good fills in around it and makes it easier. its not really good or bad anymore, just different. and your mind learns to adjust and deal and move on. its a very weird thing to me, the way the mind works to cope with things in life.

    you dont forget them, you just start to filter out the sad as much.

    you WILL find a new state of normal...and though it won't be the same, it will be ok. <3
    "How I choose to feel,... Is how I am."

    after 20 years of waiting: EV Fox Theatre Detroit-6/26/11;Alpine Valley-9/3/11 & 9/4/11;Toronto-9/11/11;Music Midtown-8/22/12;London, Ontario-7/16/13;Wrigley Field, Chicago-7/19/13
  • Thanks again everyone. I still feel off kilter and like I'm on an emotional seesaw. I've accepted that it's just gonna be painful, and not fight anything that I feel. Just feel it and try to march through it all.

    One thing that was nice yesterday....I took my dad and sis on a nice drive through the countryside, and we kept seeing tons of pine tree lots with those giant inflatable snowmen and santas. My mom loved seeing those things, how she always wanted to just punch it and poke a hole or something :lol: the fact we saw so many yesterday all waving alongside the road....we all felt like it was her saying hi :) sounds silly I know, but it made us feel good.

    The mention of a 'new normal' reminds me of this article a dear friend sent me after my mom had passed. It was a good read, thought I'd share it here too in case it's helpful to others:

    http://www.people.com/people/archive/ar ... 78,00.html
  • JOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOE Posts: 10,408
    Thanks again everyone. I still feel off kilter and like I'm on an emotional seesaw. I've accepted that it's just gonna be painful, and not fight anything that I feel. Just feel it and try to march through it all.

    One thing that was nice yesterday....I took my dad and sis on a nice drive through the countryside, and we kept seeing tons of pine tree lots with those giant inflatable snowmen and santas. My mom loved seeing those things, how she always wanted to just punch it and poke a hole or something :lol: the fact we saw so many yesterday all waving alongside the road....we all felt like it was her saying hi :) sounds silly I know, but it made us feel good.

    The mention of a 'new normal' reminds me of this article a dear friend sent me after my mom had passed. It was a good read, thought I'd share it here too in case it's helpful to others:

    http://www.people.com/people/archive/ar ... 78,00.html


    I think it is great how your sister, dad and yourself are doing so much stuff together!

    I am sure you mom is looking down and shedding tears of joy because of the way the three of you have been supporting eachother!!
  • EmBleveEmBleve Posts: 3,019
    I'm sorry for everyone's loss. I wish for everyone a restful holiday (in spite of those inevitable sad thoughts), and hoping that you will have little reminders that bring you some peace. xo.
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