Holidays after the loss of a loved one

chiquimonkey

Been dealing with this since my mom passed away in June. This month is especially tricky since her birthday was also on 12/1. I feel like I'm bipolar or something...one minute I'm all on track for holiday stuff (cards, buying gifts, decorating) and then the next I just flat out don't give a fuck and want to rip it all down. It's been a hard balancing act. Keeping busy seems to be helping some anyway.

I'm thinking what my dad and sis and I can do for Christmas itself. Part of me just wants to go somewhere completely different and celebrate in another way. The other part of me just wants to sleep through it till it's over.

So yep. Bright ball of fucking sunshine I am, I know lol

I know others here are facing the same situation and thought it might help to have a spot to share, and if others that have gone through the same thing have any words of wisdom or encouragement.

Black Diamond

I have (had) an interesting situation... My dad passed away at 11:55 PM on December 24th...

No as you know I am jewish so Christmas is not my holiday but with it also being Hanukkah and with the world celebrating it's always there... At the beginning it was really hard (this is 29 years ago) because watching others celebrate while you were mourning just adds to the depression...

But I will tell you that after the first couple of years, there is something almost comforting about it because it always makes me think of my dad and makes me remember how he loved the holidays... It becomes a moment (like his birthday) where you can think more clearly about them because there is a touchstone...

The first one will be the worst, but I promise it gets better.

81

imo, the first the year is a little weird...but you have to adjust and move on....

norm

last year sucked...no 2 ways about it...i always associate thanksgiving and christmas with my mom...however, being in a large family, it helped being all together for the holidays...but there was still something missing and there always will

as long as you, your sis and dad are together you'll make it through

Cliffy6745

I am sorry to hear and I am right there with you as I lost my dad this March. He was just 60. Going to be a really tough holidays.

We are doing something a little different. We have always had Christmas at my parents, in New York then North Carolina but this year we are having it in Philly and going skiing in Vermont the week after. Didn't want to sit around and do something so familiar. We thought about just going on vacation but it didn't work out with peoples time off from work.

Going to be really hard though, especially New Years, he loved coming here and watching football and the mummers parade.

Don't really have any advice to add but wanted to chime in as it has already gotten tough. All I can really say is enjoy it and push through it with the family you have.

Bought him a bottle of Makers 46 for Christmas last year. We had a drink of it on Christmas and a drink the night before he went into the hospital for his brain surgery. I'll definitely be having a drink of it in his honor on Christmas.

chiquimonkey

Thanks everybody for the input, I appreciate it.

81

Cliffy6745 wrote:

We are doing something a little different. We have always had Christmas at my parents, in New York then North Carolina but this year we are having it in Philly and going skiing in Vermont the week after. Didn't want to sit around and do something so familiar. We thought about just going on vacation but it didn't work out with peoples time off from work.

we've started to take christmas vacations as well. since it's just the two of us and neither is in retail, it's pretty easy to get the time off.

Cliffy6745

81 wrote:

Cliffy6745 wrote:

We are doing something a little different. We have always had Christmas at my parents, in New York then North Carolina but this year we are having it in Philly and going skiing in Vermont the week after. Didn't want to sit around and do something so familiar. We thought about just going on vacation but it didn't work out with peoples time off from work.

we've started to take christmas vacations as well. since it's just the two of us and neither is in retail, it's pretty easy to get the time off.

Nice, yeah, we were thinking about heading somewhere pretty different but my sister is a lawyer now and started working recently so she can't take time off. My mom and I are just going skiing.

JK_Livin

Just do they best you can. My Mom passed away 15 years ago and my Dad 20. The first few years will be difficult but so will any situation that you used to participate with her. It will get better but it will also suck at times as well.

joe2317

Sorry for your loss OP (as well as everyone else in a similar situation). I lost my dad in August -age 61- so Thanksgiving just wasn't the same and I'm sure Christmas will be difficult as well. Reading your post kinda stirred it all up again. This may sound trite given that we're on a PJ fan club forum, but the music really has helped me cope and work through.


You are quite the talented artist by the way. -Just checked out your work.

chiquimonkey

joe2317 wrote:

Sorry for your loss OP (as well as everyone else in a similar situation). I lost my dad in August -age 61- so Thanksgiving just wasn't the same and I'm sure Christmas will be difficult as well. Reading your post kinda stirred it all up again. This may sound trite given that we're on a PJ fan club forum, but the music really has helped me cope and work through.


You are quite the talented artist by the way. -Just checked out your work.

Thanks my work has gotten a little weird lately, but I guess that's par for the course.

I apologize if bringing this topic up makes anyone upset. Last thing I want to do is make anybody sad!

mickeyrat

theres always a first until they become a second. In time Barb, the hurt will fade and the smiles will return when you think how much they would enjoy this time. Yeah it can be bittersweet at times , but life does move on.

Cheeks

Sorry for your loss... to everyone.
Slightly different situation, but Christmas the year we lost our first daughter was difficult, obviously, and it would have been her first Christmas. Just to sort of acknowledge that she was missing from our lives over the holidays, we purchased a special Christmas tree ornament, a little angel, that we hang on the tree every year and sort of take a minute to think of her (not that we don't anyway, but you know what I mean).
Deep loss changes you, for sure, but it's not always a bad change and it does get easier over time....
take care.

Enkidu

The first year is the worst - for Christmas, for Thanksgiving - my mom died a couple of years ago and Mother's Day was definitely awful. But the good news, it really does get better. One of the things I love now is at Thanksgiving, even though both my parents are gone, I make my dad's "famous oysters" and my mom's chocolate pie. My husband makes his (late) mom's onions. We use some of my grandmother's dishes and it's sort of like all these people who aren't there anymore are still there in a way.

That might sound maudlin, but it's nice. Not the same, but okay.

JOEJOEJOE

I hope you are able to find some enjoyment out, or at least not feel totally sad, during the holidays, Ms. Monkey!

I know December will be difficult for me because we used to always celebrate my dad's (15th), my brother's (8th)and my birthday (20th) all at the same time right around Christmas.

I am going to make a point of doing a proper hannukah celebration this year so that the family can get together. My brother has 6 kids, and believe you me, it ain't easy trying to shop for 6 chassids!

To help comfort my mom, I am taking her and some other family members out to my dad's favorite restaurant on what would have been his 85th birthday next Thurday.

I wish the best for all of those who have lost loved ones, or who have gone thru difficulties this year!

chadwick

haven't had a good christmas in years. dad and ryan being gone has a lot to do with it. fact of the matter is christmas doesn't mean a damn thing to me anymore.

and when i have given gifts to loved ones rarely have i ever gotten a thank you. this being my first christmas home in 9 or 10 years. it'll be like thanksgiving was, no big deal... but it coulda been. :(

PJaddicted

I think what you are experiencing is very normal. I lost my dad on January 6th, and the very last day I ever saw him was on Christmas. He loved the holiday, all of it, the music, the decorations, food....I still find it painful so many years later. I miss him. This year I lost my Petey in August and step brother Thanksgiving weekend, so it's been a bit sad around here again. I know Petey was just a dog, but to me he was my furchild. I'm still crying every day. I decided instead of sitting around being sad to invite a ton of people over for a few different parties, Peking Duck tomorrow night, a Solstice Party at the Tipi and Xmas day here. I am to make lots of good food and have fun. Gifts are no longer a focus, precious time with family and friends is. I suggest you guys do something different this year. The firsts are all so difficult as you adjust to missing your loved one. Love you B!

jammergirl

chiquimonkey wrote:

Been dealing with this since my mom passed away in June. This month is especially tricky since her birthday was also on 12/1. I feel like I'm bipolar or something...one minute I'm all on track for holiday stuff (cards, buying gifts, decorating) and then the next I just flat out don't give a fuck and want to rip it all down. It's been a hard balancing act. Keeping busy seems to be helping some anyway.

I'm thinking what my dad and sis and I can do for Christmas itself. Part of me just wants to go somewhere completely different and celebrate in another way. The other part of me just wants to sleep through it till it's over.

So yep. Bright ball of fucking sunshine I am, I know lol

I know others here are facing the same situation and thought it might help to have a spot to share, and if others that have gone through the same thing have any words of wisdom or encouragement.

I know this isn't nearly in the same ballpark as what you're going through, but when my brother was deployed in Afghanistan, my parents flat-out said there was no way we could have a traditional Christmas with the presents and the tree without him there, it would destroy them. So instead we took the $$ we would've spent on presents and stayed at a nice hotel in Calistoga. A complete change of scenery away from our usual Christmas really helped us...it was still very sad not having him there, but just doing something different made it less painful. This might not work for you logistically, but even changing up your family's normal Christmas routine a little might help...maybe start a new tradition or something. hope this helps, Barbara. Again, very sorry for your loss.

pandora

The Christmas after losing my Mother, 11 months after, I totally lost it.
I liken it to a post stress syndrome situation.

Far from myself, unable to cope, emotions every which way.
Short with loved ones and then I totally broke down at our business Christmas party.
My dearest employee Joe, who has since passed, helped me much
that evening. A good man a good friend.

It was pretty horrible that Christmas, worse than when she first left this world
the January '99.

But time heals.

And with each year she feels closer to me, she is not missed less but appreciated more.

Things will get better chiquimonkey ...
I am sorry you are going through this.

brianlux

I know very much what you mean, chiquimonkey . My Mom passed away a few years ago and for the first year after that everything was "the first time since"... It's always sad missing her at certain times but after the first year it isn't as hard. I hope you find the same to be true. Meanwhile, wishing you the best and understand how hard it is to lose a loved one.

chiquimonkey

Thanks so much again for all the input, I've taken all of it into my heart. Had yet another fitful night of sleep having flashbacks and replays of the hospital and funeral...it is some solace to know that things get a little easier with time. Just have to grit my teeth and get through this for now.