Holidays after the loss of a loved one
chiquimonkey
Posts: 9,337
Been dealing with this since my mom passed away in June. This month is especially tricky since her birthday was also on 12/1. I feel like I'm bipolar or something...one minute I'm all on track for holiday stuff (cards, buying gifts, decorating) and then the next I just flat out don't give a fuck and want to rip it all down. It's been a hard balancing act. Keeping busy seems to be helping some anyway.
I'm thinking what my dad and sis and I can do for Christmas itself. Part of me just wants to go somewhere completely different and celebrate in another way. The other part of me just wants to sleep through it till it's over.
So yep. Bright ball of fucking sunshine I am, I know lol
I know others here are facing the same situation and thought it might help to have a spot to share, and if others that have gone through the same thing have any words of wisdom or encouragement.
I'm thinking what my dad and sis and I can do for Christmas itself. Part of me just wants to go somewhere completely different and celebrate in another way. The other part of me just wants to sleep through it till it's over.
So yep. Bright ball of fucking sunshine I am, I know lol
I know others here are facing the same situation and thought it might help to have a spot to share, and if others that have gone through the same thing have any words of wisdom or encouragement.
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No as you know I am jewish so Christmas is not my holiday but with it also being Hanukkah and with the world celebrating it's always there... At the beginning it was really hard (this is 29 years ago) because watching others celebrate while you were mourning just adds to the depression...
But I will tell you that after the first couple of years, there is something almost comforting about it because it always makes me think of my dad and makes me remember how he loved the holidays... It becomes a moment (like his birthday) where you can think more clearly about them because there is a touchstone...
The first one will be the worst, but I promise it gets better.
as long as you, your sis and dad are together you'll make it through
We are doing something a little different. We have always had Christmas at my parents, in New York then North Carolina but this year we are having it in Philly and going skiing in Vermont the week after. Didn't want to sit around and do something so familiar. We thought about just going on vacation but it didn't work out with peoples time off from work.
Going to be really hard though, especially New Years, he loved coming here and watching football and the mummers parade.
Don't really have any advice to add but wanted to chime in as it has already gotten tough. All I can really say is enjoy it and push through it with the family you have.
Bought him a bottle of Makers 46 for Christmas last year. We had a drink of it on Christmas and a drink the night before he went into the hospital for his brain surgery. I'll definitely be having a drink of it in his honor on Christmas.
we've started to take christmas vacations as well. since it's just the two of us and neither is in retail, it's pretty easy to get the time off.
Nice, yeah, we were thinking about heading somewhere pretty different but my sister is a lawyer now and started working recently so she can't take time off. My mom and I are just going skiing.
Tom O.
"I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?"
-The Writer
You are quite the talented artist by the way.
* Kansas City Sprint Center - May 03, 2010
* Alpine Valley Music Theatre - Sep 03, 2011
* Alpine Valley Music Theatre - Sep 04, 2011
I apologize if bringing this topic up makes anyone upset. Last thing I want to do is make anybody sad!
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
Slightly different situation, but Christmas the year we lost our first daughter was difficult, obviously, and it would have been her first Christmas. Just to sort of acknowledge that she was missing from our lives over the holidays, we purchased a special Christmas tree ornament, a little angel, that we hang on the tree every year and sort of take a minute to think of her (not that we don't anyway, but you know what I mean).
Deep loss changes you, for sure, but it's not always a bad change and it does get easier over time....
take care.
That might sound maudlin, but it's nice. Not the same, but okay.
I know December will be difficult for me because we used to always celebrate my dad's (15th), my brother's (8th)and my birthday (20th) all at the same time right around Christmas.
I am going to make a point of doing a proper hannukah celebration this year so that the family can get together. My brother has 6 kids, and believe you me, it ain't easy trying to shop for 6 chassids!
To help comfort my mom, I am taking her and some other family members out to my dad's favorite restaurant on what would have been his 85th birthday next Thurday.
I wish the best for all of those who have lost loved ones, or who have gone thru difficulties this year!
and when i have given gifts to loved ones rarely have i ever gotten a thank you. this being my first christmas home in 9 or 10 years. it'll be like thanksgiving was, no big deal... but it coulda been. :(
"Hear me, my chiefs!
I am tired; my heart is
sick and sad. From where
the sun stands I will fight
no more forever."
Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
*May the Peace of the Wilderness be with YOU*
He is your friend, your partner, your defender, your dog. You are his life, his love, his leader. He will be yours, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart. You owe it to him to be worthy of such devotion.
— Unknown
I know this isn't nearly in the same ballpark as what you're going through, but when my brother was deployed in Afghanistan, my parents flat-out said there was no way we could have a traditional Christmas with the presents and the tree without him there, it would destroy them. So instead we took the $$ we would've spent on presents and stayed at a nice hotel in Calistoga. A complete change of scenery away from our usual Christmas really helped us...it was still very sad not having him there, but just doing something different made it less painful. This might not work for you logistically, but even changing up your family's normal Christmas routine a little might help...maybe start a new tradition or something. hope this helps, Barbara. Again, very sorry for your loss.
I liken it to a post stress syndrome situation.
Far from myself, unable to cope, emotions every which way.
Short with loved ones and then I totally broke down at our business Christmas party.
My dearest employee Joe, who has since passed, helped me much
that evening. A good man a good friend.
It was pretty horrible that Christmas, worse than when she first left this world
the January '99.
But time heals.
And with each year she feels closer to me, she is not missed less but appreciated more.
Things will get better chiquimonkey ...
I am sorry you are going through this.
like everyone else said, it will be hard and then easier to deal with as time goes on.
Was hard after my dad and sister
Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
it must be hard for those that are.
I wasn't all that close with my family, but once my dad became terminally ill, that all changed.
that first Christmas after my Dad passed away was brutal. it does get easier, though...but he is sorely missed. it's hard to think of all of the things that he's missed being a part of....
-my sisters wedding
-my brothers wedding
-my wedding
-the birth of 3 more grandkids
-my moms retirement...
it's tough. but i take comfort knowing that he isn't in pain anymore & do my best to live my life to the fullest.
remember the good times & allow yourself to grieve.
Matt
www.cluthelee.com
www.cluthe.com
Just remember, the first one is always the hardest. They wouldn't have wanted you to be sad. Try to focus on the positive parts of the holidays, and find ways to honor them in the midst of it all.
holidays are always hard because of these reminders. but, more and more every year you simply remember the good times and the happy things, and the missing them and the sadness will always be around, but the good fills in around it and makes it easier. its not really good or bad anymore, just different. and your mind learns to adjust and deal and move on. its a very weird thing to me, the way the mind works to cope with things in life.
you dont forget them, you just start to filter out the sad as much.
you WILL find a new state of normal...and though it won't be the same, it will be ok.
after 20 years of waiting: EV Fox Theatre Detroit-6/26/11;Alpine Valley-9/3/11 & 9/4/11;Toronto-9/11/11;Music Midtown-8/22/12;London, Ontario-7/16/13;Wrigley Field, Chicago-7/19/13
One thing that was nice yesterday....I took my dad and sis on a nice drive through the countryside, and we kept seeing tons of pine tree lots with those giant inflatable snowmen and santas. My mom loved seeing those things, how she always wanted to just punch it and poke a hole or something
The mention of a 'new normal' reminds me of this article a dear friend sent me after my mom had passed. It was a good read, thought I'd share it here too in case it's helpful to others:
http://www.people.com/people/archive/ar ... 78,00.html
I think it is great how your sister, dad and yourself are doing so much stuff together!
I am sure you mom is looking down and shedding tears of joy because of the way the three of you have been supporting eachother!!