staying friends with an ex?

nuffingman

Big Drop wrote:

To everyone who has said they still talk to their ex and there's no hard feelings because they just fell out of love...... how? How does that happen? Usually it's someone gets fat, someone calls someone fat, someone loses their job, someone isn't helping to pay the bills, someone leaves the toilet seat up, someone argues and someone argues back, people start screaming, windows get broken and divorces get filed.

How do you just wake up one day and mutually agree you're not in love anymore.

There's a big difference between being in love with someone and loving them like you would a brother or sister. You don't want to be married to someone who has become just a friend. When that happens it's easier to get along fine afterwards.

Break The Sky

nuffingman wrote:

Big Drop wrote:

To everyone who has said they still talk to their ex and there's no hard feelings because they just fell out of love...... how? How does that happen? Usually it's someone gets fat, someone calls someone fat, someone loses their job, someone isn't helping to pay the bills, someone leaves the toilet seat up, someone argues and someone argues back, people start screaming, windows get broken and divorces get filed.

How do you just wake up one day and mutually agree you're not in love anymore.

There's a big difference between being in love with someone and loving them like you would a brother or sister. You don't want to be married to someone who has become just a friend. When that happens it's easier to get along fine afterwards.

But how does that happen, is mostly what i'm curious about. How do you go from being in love with someone to just friends and there's no animosity on either side?

jimed14

Big Drop wrote:

And if you have all this time to maintain a friendship with an ex, why didn't you use that time to work out your problems that caused you to break up?

Because some differences can't be fixed. People are who they are, and they can't make every change possible to make the other happy, that's never the case.

For those break ups that are amicable, you still care about the person, and still respect them. You obviously have a lot in common so there's already a bond there, a foundation for friendship. But there has been enough time in the relationship to determine that some of the core things one needs in a life partner are just not going to materialize, ever.

I don't want to say it takes a lot of maturity to be able to be friends with an ex, that seems pretty rude ... and every breakup is different (some, there is just no way a friendship can come out of it). But, it certainly takes a different point of view on reconciling why a realtionship doesn't work, and what good can still be salvaged out of it, if any.

jimed14

comebackgirl wrote:

jimed14 wrote:

comebackgirl wrote:

I'm still friends with my ex- husband. We were a great team and we would still help each other out at the drop of a hat. We meet to exchange gifts for Christmas. We don't talk about our current relationships with each other. I think we're good about keeping boundaries in that way. We had a very amicable divorce. I think a lot of times relationships change, but they don't necessarily end.

So my question is ... how do each of your current relationship partners like the two of you being close, close enough to exchange Christmas gifts.

I find this to be a way tougher task.

I can't really speak for my ex's partner, but my current husband and my ex-husband know each other fairly well. They have no interest in being friends, but I think they respect each other and have helped each other out with stuff. My ex and I were together for a total of 13 years...we sort of grew up together...helped get each other through school...start our careers...we were a great team. But that was about it. We helped each other become totally self-sufficient adults and then I don't think we needed each other anymore because we were too damn self-sufficient lol We were a great team, but the sexual and romantic sparks had ended a long time before our relationship ended. We both knew that and my current husband can see that...so I guess that's why it works so well. I think he's an amazing person and it makes me happy for him to be happy. I hope he feels the same way.

When we sold our house our real estate agent was baffled by how well we got along. When we went to settlement the other couple argued throughout the entire process and my ex and I got along so well. It was almost like the roles were reversed :? We used the same divorce attorney, worked out the divorce terms on our own...were on the same page about splitting up property and belongings...no drama. Maybe that's why we can still be friends.

Thanks for shaing this ... it really sounds like "different strokes for different folks" ... it also takes a lot of confidence, and trust, for a current relationship to not have any issues with friendships with past relationships. Something my recent ex, who was so ridiculously jealous of a past girlfriend-now-friend, didn't have.

nuffingman

Big Drop wrote:

But how does that happen, is mostly what i'm curious about. How do you go from being in love with someone to just friends and there's no animosity on either side?

I've no idea, it just does. There is a big difference between how someone is at 20 and how they are at 30. If 2 people meet at 20 then when they are 30 they can have different interests, needs etc. They can just drift apart without anything bad happening between them. I know people that have just drifted along for 20 years and seem to be quite happy in a relationship with zero passion. I'm not criticising them as I did just that for about 8 years.

PearlOfAGirl

Big Drop wrote:

To everyone who has said they still talk to their ex and there's no hard feelings because they just fell out of love...... how? How does that happen? Usually it's someone gets fat, someone calls someone fat, someone loses their job, someone isn't helping to pay the bills, someone leaves the toilet seat up, someone argues and someone argues back, people start screaming, windows get broken and divorces get filed.

How do you just wake up one day and mutually agree you're not in love anymore.

And if you have all this time to maintain a friendship with an ex, why didn't you use that time to work out your problems that caused you to break up?

I'm not criticizing anyone, I'm genuinely curious, because none of my relationships have ever ended in harmony, and I'm probably at least half to blame for that.

We just didn't wake up one day and agreed we weren't in love anymore... it took "years" to break up... we were just too young when we married...

In a relationship that is just basically physical attraction and sex, which was what ours was... we weren't friends first, and the sex can only last for so long when you really don't have much else in common.

Believe me, our marriage had some horrible moments. He was emotionally, and a few times physically abusive until I finally had enough and left, but I know he will be there for me, and I for him.

Bathgate66

Ive come to the realization that my ex never loved me for me,

she loved the person she wanted me to be .

I guess it took 12 years for her to come to the conclusion that i was not going to become that guy she wanted , so she called everything off.

peacegirl

I think it's possible. It just depends on the relationship and how it ended.
I personally have not maintained friendships with any of my exes but it's more because we just didn't keep in touch not because of some hatred.

justam wrote:

(I think it's stranger that some people end up hating people they previously loved.) :geek:

I totally agree with this ^^. Whenever an ex would come up in conversation with friends or if someone had seen him my friends would always make a comment about them as if I should hate them. I don't hate any of my exes. Sure I might have been upset when things ended but in the end, I once cared for those people and have no reason to wish them anything but well.

RKCNDY

peacegirl wrote:

I think it's possible. It just depends on the relationship and how it ended.
I personally have not maintained friendships with any of my exes but it's more because we just didn't keep in touch not because of some hatred.

justam wrote:

(I think it's stranger that some people end up hating people they previously loved.) :geek:

I totally agree with this ^^. Whenever an ex would come up in conversation with friends or if someone had seen him my friends would always make a comment about them as if I should hate them. I don't hate any of my exes. Sure I might have been upset when things ended but in the end, I once cared for those people and have no reason to wish them anything but well.

I think that when an ex forces you to call for a police escort so he can pick up the last of his things, hating a person is not that hard.

comebackgirl

Big Drop wrote:

To everyone who has said they still talk to their ex and there's no hard feelings because they just fell out of love...... how? How does that happen? Usually it's someone gets fat, someone calls someone fat, someone loses their job, someone isn't helping to pay the bills, someone leaves the toilet seat up, someone argues and someone argues back, people start screaming, windows get broken and divorces get filed.

How do you just wake up one day and mutually agree you're not in love anymore.

And if you have all this time to maintain a friendship with an ex, why didn't you use that time to work out your problems that caused you to break up?

I'm not criticizing anyone, I'm genuinely curious, because none of my relationships have ever ended in harmony, and I'm probably at least half to blame for that.

As someone else said, you don't just wake up one day and realize that you're not in love anymore. That usually happens over years. Sometimes nothing horrific has to happen. Just as with friends, sometimes you grow apart after a decade of knowing them. Your lives move in different directions and while you may wish them no ill will, the relationship just isn't the same as it once was. In my case it was better to recognize this and move on than to try and pretend we had the same relationship we did in our early 20's. And it really doesn't take any time to maintain the friendship. The friendship has always been there. That was never the issue, so takes little effort to maintain it.

justam

RKCNDY wrote:

peacegirl wrote:

I think it's possible. It just depends on the relationship and how it ended.
I personally have not maintained friendships with any of my exes but it's more because we just didn't keep in touch not because of some hatred.

justam wrote:

(I think it's stranger that some people end up hating people they previously loved.) :geek:

I totally agree with this ^^. Whenever an ex would come up in conversation with friends or if someone had seen him my friends would always make a comment about them as if I should hate them. I don't hate any of my exes. Sure I might have been upset when things ended but in the end, I once cared for those people and have no reason to wish them anything but well.

I think that when an ex forces you to call for a police escort so he can pick up the last of his things, hating a person is not that hard.

LOL! Maybe not.

LikeAnOcean

If it's a mutual break up, sure, why not.

If one partner is madly in love with the other and gets dumped, no way in hell it will work.

justam

To me, it's interesting to read that some people could mutually agree that they aren't in love anymore and end their marriage amicably. I've never seen this in my life. All the divorces I've ever seen were pretty awful situations. Hurt, angry people...

I love that we hear about all these different life experiences from people here. It's great.

Jason P

A Detroit man has gone to some very strange lengths to get back at his ex-wife.

Alan Markovitz, 59, a well-known strip club owner in Detroit and soon-to-be reality television star on Cinemax, is still rather upset his wife apparently had an affair with someone he knew two years ago.

So he decided to buy the house right next to the couple, and put up a giant middle finger statue aimed in their direction. Spotlights on the 12-foot-high bronze statue make sure it can be viewed at all hours, according to Deadline Detroit.

Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/detroit- ... z2l0u4Ft6i

gimmesometruth27

wow, since i last posted in this thread i am o-fer with regard to staying friends with any of my ex girlfriends since that post. i guess it is not possible for me to do that after all..

chadwick

the wolf wrote:

How many people do this?

Am I completely out of the norm here?

My ex wife is one of the first people I would go to if I really needed to talk to someone about something.
She would still do anything she could for me, and I for her.
We were together for 12 years, and have been apart for 6 years now.
We remain decent friends to this day.

Is this odd?

I'm asking because a friend of mine thinks its the weirdest thing ever.

sounds perfectly normal to me.

chadwick

Bathgate66 wrote:

Ive come to the realization that my ex never loved me for me,

she loved the person she wanted me to be .

I guess it took 12 years for her to come to the conclusion that i was not going to become that guy she wanted , so she called everything off.

fucking wow!

rick1zoo2

she thinks I am her friend, I think she is my enemy. we never agreed on anything

kdizzle.delio

my ex from 4 years ago recently out of the blue asked me to be her friend on Facebook, at first i didn't accept because i didn't see any reason to, but the more i thought about i figured its Facebook, i mean all i post is shit about either Pearl jam or sports, so figured it couldn't hurt anything, so accepted it. ill see how this goes, if it doesn't work out i can always just unfriend her and/or block her and be done with it.

ldent42

I haven't read this whole thread.
Speaking only from personal experience, I can say that after some time apart (be it weeks, months or years) after the initial break up being friends with exes is the easiest thing in the world. Until, of course the new person your ex is dating, who has hung out with you in group settings on many occasions finds out that you and your ex used to date. THEN and ONLY then, (in my experience) is when it gets complicated.