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staying friends with an ex?

the wolfthe wolf Posts: 7,027
edited November 2013 in All Encompassing Trip
How many people do this?

Am I completely out of the norm here?

My ex wife is one of the first people I would go to if I really needed to talk to someone about something.
She would still do anything she could for me, and I for her.
We were together for 12 years, and have been apart for 6 years now.
We remain decent friends to this day.

Is this odd?

I'm asking because a friend of mine thinks its the weirdest thing ever.
Peace, Love.

"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments

  • PureandEasyPureandEasy Posts: 5,799
    No I don't think it's weird, but then I'm not dating you. :lol:

    How has anyone you have dated since your divorce felt about the relationship?
    That's what really matters.
  • pandorapandora Posts: 21,855
    I think it's beautiful,
    obviously you were best friends and you both still trust each other,
    which is a lot like true love.

    Count yourself lucky to have one good friend to depend on in life :D
  • Cree NationsCree Nations Posts: 2,247
    im still pretty good friends with mine, she tells me how it is and wont feed me shite...but dayum she can still drive me bat shit crazy in less than a second
    >>>>
    >
    ...a lover and a fighter.
    "I'm at least half a bum" Rocky Balboa

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    Edmonton, AB. September 5th, 2005
    Vancouver, BC. April 3rd, 2008
    Calgary,AB. August 8th, 2009
  • the wolfthe wolf Posts: 7,027
    The relationship after the wife lasted 5 and half years.

    That's actually what brought this whole thing up. The girl I was with after the wife is having her baby today. She texted me because her and I are still good friends too. That's what brought up this conversation with my friend.

    She says I'm the ONLY one she knows that would ever stay friends with my ex's.
    Peace, Love.

    "To question your government is not unpatriotic --
    to not question your government is unpatriotic."
    -- Sen. Chuck Hagel
  • jimed14jimed14 Posts: 9,488
    Such a wide variety of thoughts on this one.

    I had a best friend for 2 years, then her and I dated for 2 years but it didn't work ... 10 years later, we're still very close friends. And yes, there is ZERO chance we'd ever want to date again ... we both feel this way.

    My recent ex-fiance wanted me to end all contact with her ... even though, my friend was the one that introduced us.

    While there are many reasons, this is one reason she is my ex-fiance.

    To the original topic, I know being friends with your ex can work. I also understand that there are things that can become uncomfortable while being friends with an ex in your current relationship. It's a tough balancing act.
    "You're one of the few Red Sox fans I don't mind." - Newch91

    "I don't believe in damn curses. Wake up the damn Bambino and have me face him. Maybe I'll drill him in the ass." --- Pedro Martinez
  • Break The SkyBreak The Sky Posts: 1,276
    "More than friends I always said, 'cause friends they come and go"

    To answer your question: No
    If hope can grow from dirt like me ...
  • vduboisevduboise Posts: 1,937
    Unfortunately, no. I could not be friends with an ex. I would remember the good times, but I know the bad would overshadow it.
  • JonnyPistachioJonnyPistachio Posts: 10,217
    the wolf wrote:
    The relationship after the wife lasted 5 and half years.

    That's actually what brought this whole thing up. The girl I was with after the wife is having her baby today. She texted me because her and I are still good friends too. That's what brought up this conversation with my friend.

    She says I'm the ONLY one she knows that would ever stay friends with my ex's.

    Maybe my math is off, but is that your kid with the recent ex?! ;)

    I thought I could stay friends with one of my ex-g/fs but it just didnt make sense when I started dating my current g/f.
    Some people can pull this off, some cant.
    Pick up my debut novel here on amazon: Jonny Bails Floatin (in paperback) (also available on Kindle for $2.99)
  • mikalinamikalina Posts: 7,206
    I see nothing wrong with staying friends with your ex-wife.... it seems to me that both of you are good and decent people.

    I don't think you and your ex have any children - and that is probably the reason for getting along so well. Too many couples use their kids to hurt each other. Lots of problems when there is a divorce and kids are involved....

    Count yourself lucky. :D
    ********************************************************************************************* image
  • thesewordselopethesewordselope Posts: 781
    No. The only people that I think really should remain friends after a break-up are the ones where children are involved, and sadly those are the ones that seem to rarely happen.

    The reason behind a break-up is to move on...I don't see how you can successfully do that when you remain in contact with that person. Saying hello and some small talk is a different story if you run into each other.

    Not to mention the potential of making your new partner, or even theirs for that matter uncomfortable. Its not worth it to me.
  • stargirl69stargirl69 Posts: 6,387
    I would really like to be able to do this but I know I never could.
    My ex was pretty desperate for us to stay friends but I found it impossible,I loved him as my lover not as my friend.
    Anything else was always going to feel like a consolation prize kind of "Yeah he didn't want to be with me any more but he was such a great guy I couldn't be without him in my life so I chose friendship".
    My self esteem could never stoop that low,he wanted to remain friends so he could feel good about himself and say to the world "Yeah I'm such a great guy she still wants me in her life".
    But I admire the people who can do it ... I just know it's not for me.
    “There should be a place where only the things you want to happen, happen”
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    the wolf wrote:
    How many people do this?

    Am I completely out of the norm here?

    My ex wife is one of the first people I would go to if I really needed to talk to someone about something.
    She would still do anything she could for me, and I for her.
    We were together for 12 years, and have been apart for 6 years now.
    We remain decent friends to this day.

    Is this odd?

    I'm asking because a friend of mine thinks its the weirdest thing ever.


    no this is not odd.

    i am still great friends with the father of my children. we got together in 1984, had 2 daughters, split up in 90. got back together in 95/96 had a son and another daughter. broke up 3 months before our youngest daughter was born. the 2 youngest being just 18 months and -3months when we split for good have never known what it is like to have their father live in the same house as them and yet they think he hung the moon. i encourage as much contact between them as possible. my ex and are are so much better friends apart than we ever were partners. i tell him a lot of what goes on in my life, though not everything. our children have benefitted and continue to thrive as people.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • the wolfthe wolf Posts: 7,027
    thesewordselope wrote:
    No. The only people that I think really should remain friends after a break-up are the ones where children are involved, and sadly those are the ones that seem to rarely happen.

    The reason behind a break-up is to move on...I don't see how you can successfully do that when you remain in contact with that person. Saying hello and some small talk is a different story if you run into each other.

    Not to mention the potential of making your new partner, or even theirs for that matter uncomfortable. Its not worth it to me.

    The reason behind our break ups, the ex wife and the ex girlfriend wasn't to move on. The reason we broke up was be cause we were not "In Love" anymore. So we didn't stay together romantically. We do however, care about and love each other still, so we remain friends.

    As far as "staying friends" just because of a kid? Yeah, the kids always wind up winning there. :/
    Peace, Love.

    "To question your government is not unpatriotic --
    to not question your government is unpatriotic."
    -- Sen. Chuck Hagel
  • the wolfthe wolf Posts: 7,027
    edited March 2011
    catefrances wrote:
    the wolf wrote:
    How many people do this?

    Am I completely out of the norm here?

    My ex wife is one of the first people I would go to if I really needed to talk to someone about something.
    She would still do anything she could for me, and I for her.
    We were together for 12 years, and have been apart for 6 years now.
    We remain decent friends to this day.

    Is this odd?

    I'm asking because a friend of mine thinks its the weirdest thing ever.


    no this is not odd.

    i am still great friends with the father of my children. we got together in 1984, had 2 daughters, split up in 90. got back together in 95/96 had a son and another daughter. broke up 3 months before our youngest daughter was born. the 2 youngest being just 18 months and -3months when we split for good have never known what it is like to have their father live in the same house as them and yet they think he hung the moon. i encourage as much contact between them as possible. my ex and are are so much better friends apart than we ever were partners. i tell him a lot of what goes on in my life, though not everything. our children have benefitted and continue to thrive as people.

    Awesome. When the ex wife and I went to court for the divorce, the judge joked about not granting us a divorce because we seemed to get along so well. We were laughing throughout the whole proceeding. We make awesome friends, we only made so so spouses.
    Post edited by the wolf on
    Peace, Love.

    "To question your government is not unpatriotic --
    to not question your government is unpatriotic."
    -- Sen. Chuck Hagel
  • comebackgirlcomebackgirl Posts: 9,885
    I'm still friends with my ex- husband. We were a great team and we would still help each other out at the drop of a hat. We meet to exchange gifts for Christmas. We don't talk about our current relationships with each other. I think we're good about keeping boundaries in that way. We had a very amicable divorce. I think a lot of times relationships change, but they don't necessarily end.
    tumblr_mg4nc33pIX1s1mie8o1_400.gif

    "I need your strength for me to be strong...I need your love to feel loved"
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    the wolf wrote:
    catefrances wrote:
    the wolf wrote:
    How many people do this?

    Am I completely out of the norm here?

    My ex wife is one of the first people I would go to if I really needed to talk to someone about something.
    She would still do anything she could for me, and I for her.
    We were together for 12 years, and have been apart for 6 years now.
    We remain decent friends to this day.

    Is this odd?

    I'm asking because a friend of mine thinks its the weirdest thing ever.


    no this is not odd.

    i am still great friends with the father of my children. we got together in 1984, had 2 daughters, split up in 90. got back together in 95/96 had a son and another daughter. broke up 3 months before our youngest daughter was born. the 2 youngest being just 18 months and -3months when we split for good have never known what it is like to have their father live in the same house as them and yet they think he hung the moon. i encourage as much contact between them as possible. my ex and are are so much better friends apart than we ever were partners. i tell him a lot of what goes on in my life, though not everything. our children have benefitted and continue to thrive as people.

    Awesome. When the ex wife and I went to court for tjhe divorce, the judge joked about not granting us a divorce because we seemed to get along so well. We were laughing throughout the whole proceeding. We make awesome frieds, we only made so so spouses.

    i know we should never have gotten back together.. im a shocking person to have to live with... but we got 2 more very awesome kids out of it so its a win really.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    comebackgirl wrote:
    I'm still friends with my ex- husband. We were a great team and we would still help each other out at the drop of a hat. We meet to exchange gifts for Christmas. We don't talk about our current relationships with each other. I think we're good about keeping boundaries in that way. We had a very amicable divorce. I think a lot of times relationships change, but they don't necessarily end.


    yeah i think youre right about that relationships change they dont necesssarily end thing. it doesnt happen with all relationships of course but its a good thing when things can stay amicable.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • Kilgore_TroutKilgore_Trout Posts: 7,334
    i don't think so after 12 years

    with shorter relationships maybe... certainly with more superficial HS/college stuff

    it all depends on how it ends though

    i'm still trying to stay friends with my last gf despite her lack of effort/desire... it's harder than you'd think to force friendship on someone :geek:

    it probably also helps if you've both moved on and adjusted well to life since that person... just to lessen the perception that one or both of you are in it for potential makeup sex
    "Senza speme vivemo in disio"

    http://seanbriceart.com/
  • thesewordselopethesewordselope Posts: 781
    the wolf wrote:
    thesewordselope wrote:
    No. The only people that I think really should remain friends after a break-up are the ones where children are involved, and sadly those are the ones that seem to rarely happen.

    The reason behind a break-up is to move on...I don't see how you can successfully do that when you remain in contact with that person. Saying hello and some small talk is a different story if you run into each other.

    Not to mention the potential of making your new partner, or even theirs for that matter uncomfortable. Its not worth it to me.

    The reason behind our break ups, the ex wife and the ex girlfriend wasn't to move on. The reason we broke up was be cause we were not "In Love" anymore. So we didn't stay together romantically. We do however, care about and love each other still, so we remain friends.

    As far as "staying friends" just because of a kid? Yeah, the kids always wind up winning there. :/

    Are you saying that the kids are better off with them not being friends :? I think its in the best interests of the children if they can...
  • jimed14jimed14 Posts: 9,488
    comebackgirl wrote:
    I'm still friends with my ex- husband. We were a great team and we would still help each other out at the drop of a hat. We meet to exchange gifts for Christmas. We don't talk about our current relationships with each other. I think we're good about keeping boundaries in that way. We had a very amicable divorce. I think a lot of times relationships change, but they don't necessarily end.

    So my question is ... how do each of your current relationship partners like the two of you being close, close enough to exchange Christmas gifts.

    I find this to be a way tougher task.
    "You're one of the few Red Sox fans I don't mind." - Newch91

    "I don't believe in damn curses. Wake up the damn Bambino and have me face him. Maybe I'll drill him in the ass." --- Pedro Martinez
  • the wolfthe wolf Posts: 7,027
    thesewordselope wrote:
    the wolf wrote:
    thesewordselope wrote:
    No. The only people that I think really should remain friends after a break-up are the ones where children are involved, and sadly those are the ones that seem to rarely happen.

    The reason behind a break-up is to move on...I don't see how you can successfully do that when you remain in contact with that person. Saying hello and some small talk is a different story if you run into each other.

    Not to mention the potential of making your new partner, or even theirs for that matter uncomfortable. Its not worth it to me.

    The reason behind our break ups, the ex wife and the ex girlfriend wasn't to move on. The reason we broke up was be cause we were not "In Love" anymore. So we didn't stay together romantically. We do however, care about and love each other still, so we remain friends.

    As far as "staying friends" just because of a kid? Yeah, the kids always wind up winning there. :/

    Are you saying that the kids are better off with them not being friends :? I think its in the best interests of the children if they can...

    Not saying that at all. I just know some parents who "stay friends" just for the kids, the kids then get to see their parents cuss at each other every other weekend.

    So I disagree with staying friends JUST for the kids.
    Peace, Love.

    "To question your government is not unpatriotic --
    to not question your government is unpatriotic."
    -- Sen. Chuck Hagel
  • thesewordselopethesewordselope Posts: 781
    the wolf wrote:
    Not saying that at all. I just know some parents who "stay friends" just for the kids, the kids then get to see their parents cuss at each other every other weekend.

    So I disagree with staying friends JUST for the kids.

    We'll, cussing each other out in front of the kids isn't the kind of "friends" that I was referring to... I was talking about people that can look past their relationship and raise their children as friends and not cuss each other out in front of the kids. Thats just sad.
  • RKCNDYRKCNDY Posts: 31,013
    I think that as long as jealousy is not a big factor, then staying friends is great. Though, I think you should tell the new person your status BEFORE you get too involved.
    Mr. RK, dated a friend of his 3 years and he did not tell me this fact before we got married. We'd visit them and when she visited us with her husband, she'd touch him, like she was more then friends with my guy. I was beyond irked and not prepared for her 'attention' towards him. He didnt think it was a big deal. Personally for me, if I had known, then I would have been prepared for her touchy-feely-ness, and not been so agitated.
    The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.

    - Christopher McCandless
  • mikalinamikalina Posts: 7,206
    I will always believe that the "ex's should get along as well as possible for the sake of the children...

    Children should be the top priority - But, that is not always the case.


    Steve, since you do not have kids with your ex - you may simply not have the "usual" problems that most divorce couples go through.
    ********************************************************************************************* image
  • justamjustam Posts: 21,410
    the wolf wrote:
    How many people do this?

    Am I completely out of the norm here?

    My ex wife is one of the first people I would go to if I really needed to talk to someone about something.
    She would still do anything she could for me, and I for her.
    We were together for 12 years, and have been apart for 6 years now.
    We remain decent friends to this day.

    Is this odd?

    I'm asking because a friend of mine thinks its the weirdest thing ever.

    I don't think it's weird.
    (I think it's stranger that some people end up hating people they previously loved.) :geek:
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    justam wrote:
    the wolf wrote:
    How many people do this?

    Am I completely out of the norm here?

    My ex wife is one of the first people I would go to if I really needed to talk to someone about something.
    She would still do anything she could for me, and I for her.
    We were together for 12 years, and have been apart for 6 years now.
    We remain decent friends to this day.

    Is this odd?

    I'm asking because a friend of mine thinks its the weirdest thing ever.

    I don't think it's weird.
    (I think it's stranger that some people end up hating people they previously loved.) :geek:

    if betrayal was responsible for the break down of the relationship i dont find it strange at all.

    hatred and love are intense emotions eliciting intense responses from both sides.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • Bathgate66Bathgate66 Posts: 15,813
    seems impossible
    For the ones who had a notion, a notion deep inside
    That it ain't no sin to be glad you're alive
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  • justamjustam Posts: 21,410
    catefrances wrote:
    justam wrote:
    the wolf wrote:
    How many people do this?

    Am I completely out of the norm here?

    My ex wife is one of the first people I would go to if I really needed to talk to someone about something.
    She would still do anything she could for me, and I for her.
    We were together for 12 years, and have been apart for 6 years now.
    We remain decent friends to this day.

    Is this odd?

    I'm asking because a friend of mine thinks its the weirdest thing ever.

    I don't think it's weird.
    (I think it's stranger that some people end up hating people they previously loved.) :geek:

    if betrayal was responsible for the break down of the relationship i dont find it strange at all.

    hatred and love are intense emotions eliciting intense responses from both sides.

    Yeah. I guess that's true.
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • FifthelementFifthelement Posts: 6,961
    I think it's wonderful when two people can remain friends following a break-up. :thumbup: :D
    "What the CANUCK happened?!? - Esquimalt Barber Shop
  • comebackgirlcomebackgirl Posts: 9,885
    jimed14 wrote:
    comebackgirl wrote:
    I'm still friends with my ex- husband. We were a great team and we would still help each other out at the drop of a hat. We meet to exchange gifts for Christmas. We don't talk about our current relationships with each other. I think we're good about keeping boundaries in that way. We had a very amicable divorce. I think a lot of times relationships change, but they don't necessarily end.

    So my question is ... how do each of your current relationship partners like the two of you being close, close enough to exchange Christmas gifts.

    I find this to be a way tougher task.
    I can't really speak for my ex's partner, but my current husband and my ex-husband know each other fairly well. They have no interest in being friends, but I think they respect each other and have helped each other out with stuff. My ex and I were together for a total of 13 years...we sort of grew up together...helped get each other through school...start our careers...we were a great team. But that was about it. We helped each other become totally self-sufficient adults and then I don't think we needed each other anymore because we were too damn self-sufficient lol We were a great team, but the sexual and romantic sparks had ended a long time before our relationship ended. We both knew that and my current husband can see that...so I guess that's why it works so well. I think he's an amazing person and it makes me happy for him to be happy. I hope he feels the same way.

    When we sold our house our real estate agent was baffled by how well we got along. When we went to settlement the other couple argued throughout the entire process and my ex and I got along so well. It was almost like the roles were reversed :? :lol: We used the same divorce attorney, worked out the divorce terms on our own...were on the same page about splitting up property and belongings...no drama. Maybe that's why we can still be friends.
    tumblr_mg4nc33pIX1s1mie8o1_400.gif

    "I need your strength for me to be strong...I need your love to feel loved"
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