Parenting high school children

cblock4life said:

If you think somethings wrong, there is. 

Assume that at anytime they could be lying to you. 

I'm not a parent either, but I was young once.  This is 100% true, pay attention, talk to your children.  If you think there is an issue with one of your kids, take them aside and talk to them.  Make them talk to you.  Ask them the hard questions, about drugs, drinking, school issues, friend issues, relationship issues, let them know that they can come to you.  I never felt that way with my parents, and my parents were great people; providers; but not very approachable.  You need to be approachable and engaged, especially now with social media.  Pay attention.

two girls, 13 and 16. hoo boy it's an interesting road. the shit i was getting into at both their ages....i can't even fathom either of them doing. And I know for a fact the older one doesn't (homebody). But the younger one is super social and when she's around friends, we don't exist. She's a lovely kid, but I know when she gets to be an older teen there will definitely be some issues with boundaries and rules and such. 

the pandemic has definitely tempered a lot of the potential issues, so far, for sure. more limitations for socialization in big groups. 

I agree with Gern 100%. I have no idea how my parents didn't end up in a mental ward with the shit they knew i was doing, the people I was doing it with, and where were probably doing it, and had no idea if they'd get a call that I was in the morgue or missing or half eaten by a bear. 

the biggest advice is stay engaged. the worst thing you can do is alienate them out of frustration and pride. you WILL get hurt. Told you are hated, stupid, ignorant, etc. Put the pride away and focus on what matters, not those words, but where they are coming from. Ask them questions ALL THE TIME. "how was your day?". "hmmmmppphhh" (stomps downstairs). Next day: "how was your day?". "hmmmmpphhh (stomps downstairs). Until one day you'll get "not bad".

One of the biggest lessons I learned about parenting, I actually learned as a teenager. 

My sister was complaining to her friend how our parents are the strictest of anyone we knew (truth), and how awful it is that we have to leave wherever we are before anyone else, and hours before anyone else, and how her friend gets to do whatever she wants. She turned to my sister and said "at least you know they care". 

that hit me like a ton of bricks. as much as I despised my parents, and didn't want to talk to them most of the time, I knew their hearts were in the right place, because they kept showing me they were. that had an affect. (and I actually used that whenever some dick would make fun of my curfew-"at least my parents give a shit!"). 

I wrecked cars, got high, etc. when I was a teenager….but I was a good kid….and the world was a much better place.

Wobbie said:

I wrecked cars, got high, etc. when I was a teenager….but I was a good kid….and the world was a much better place.

Those Model-T's were expensive to fix, your folks must have been pissed.

Travels With said:

JeBurkhardt said:

Patience is the key. We raised 3 through their teenage years. They each had a few years that were a little rough, but eventually they settled back in to not being jerks (as much). We just had to wait it out and go with the flow.

Patience. So true.  Loved reading they'll turn back in to "not jerks!"

Gern Blansten said:

I've raised four kids.  Tough love is my best advice. Don't be afraid to let them know how much they rely on you (phone, food, shelter, clothes, transportation, etc.) and come down hard when needed.

Tough love is the part that eats me up inside at night laying in bed knowing I did the right think but feeling the weight of the moment.  I love this post.  thanks.

pjhawks said:

all of this 100%.   I can't imagine being a teen today and having your parents know where you are all the time.  It was glorious heading out for a night and parents having no idea where we going. The only thing they knew was pretty much who I was going out with.  Of course I'm sure all of that added 1000% to parents anxiety back then...unless it was more out of sight out of mind kind of deal. I imagine our parents all thought we were going to end up in a ditch.  hard to believe we survived teens to mid 20s with all the fucked up shit we did that would never fly today.  crazy but fun to think back on those times.

This is SO true.  My wife and I (along with our son - the other two don't have phones) use the Live360 app so we always know where he is (or at least his phone).  I can't imagine if this were the case when I was a kid.  It even tells us how fast he's driving.  Sometimes I wonder if not knowing is just better.  Maybe GI Joe was lying to us all those years!

HughFreakingDillon said:

two girls, 13 and 16. hoo boy it's an interesting road. the shit i was getting into at both their ages....i can't even fathom either of them doing. And I know for a fact the older one doesn't (homebody). But the younger one is super social and when she's around friends, we don't exist. She's a lovely kid, but I know when she gets to be an older teen there will definitely be some issues with boundaries and rules and such. 

the pandemic has definitely tempered a lot of the potential issues, so far, for sure. more limitations for socialization in big groups. 

I agree with Gern 100%. I have no idea how my parents didn't end up in a mental ward with the shit they knew i was doing, the people I was doing it with, and where were probably doing it, and had no idea if they'd get a call that I was in the morgue or missing or half eaten by a bear. 

the biggest advice is stay engaged. the worst thing you can do is alienate them out of frustration and pride. you WILL get hurt. Told you are hated, stupid, ignorant, etc. Put the pride away and focus on what matters, not those words, but where they are coming from. Ask them questions ALL THE TIME. "how was your day?". "hmmmmppphhh" (stomps downstairs). Next day: "how was your day?". "hmmmmpphhh (stomps downstairs). Until one day you'll get "not bad".

SUCH a big fan of this!  Thankfully, every night my son comes up at about 10 - when he's supposed to go to bed and paces the living room and just talks.  He talks about absolutely nothing -- and I love every minute of it.  Staying engaged is the marathon-winner of parenting I think.  It can be hard sometimes; there are so many distractions.  But nothing builds rapport over time like constant (almost annoyingly constant) engagement.  Thanks for sharing all this.  

full dislosure: I fail at this part; a lot. my youngest talks pretty much non-stop. very positive young thing. but sometimes I'm trying post on a fucking rock band's message board and need quiet, ok? and my older one; she doesn't talk as much; she's the one I clash with the most (we're very alike), and what she does talk about, I have zero interest in (social media, harry potter, etc). I do my best to listen, because honestly, that's what I should do, but sometimes I just can't fucking take any more talk about Hermione or Tik Tok videos that aren't funny to anyone over 22, but I keep trying. God knows I keep trying. 

lastexitlondon said:

Ah the talking non stop. Its a girl thing. 

Oh yeah.
Boys you get one word answers or grunts to each question.

Travels With said:

brianlux said:

About my experience with kids: I didn't have kids of my own, but I've been around them a lot.   I did help raise two boys in their early teens who were from a really tough situation.  They are both doing great and have kids of their own now.  I also worked as a teacher with middle and high school kids for five years. 
My take is, do the best you can, be honest with them, be realistic, be a parent first and a friend second, talk about consequences of their actions, hope for the best and if things don't go as you plan, don't se surprised.

Travels With said:

tempo_n_groove said:

Beat them.

I'm kidding of course.

Does it count that I tell my 16 year all the time that I want to punch him in the face?!  I of course tell him jokingly.  He knows I'm kidding...but there might be tinge of "Is he really going to punch me?" every now and then!  A lot of humor and a little fear was my approach to teaching 7th and 8th grade for years.

To be honest, that does not sound like a good plan, Travels.  You tell him you're joking, but say it enough, and it may wedge into his subconscious.  Eventually he's not going to believe you when you say you're joking.  (And maybe ask yourself, Am I really joking?)  Besides, you might find yourself being the one getting punched some day. That kind of joking is not the same as tough love. 

Thanks a lot for all this Brianlux but I will let you know I probably overstated the "punch you in the face" comment.  We do a lot to build rapport and connections -- we've seen a miles of trails with backpacks on our shoulders looking for the next spot to camp.  The first time I took him backpacking he was 6.  It was just the two of us.  I was so worried he was going to freak out about going to the bathroom in the woods (big jobs not small jobs) he pooped three times the first day.  He was so excited about it!  Sorry, probably TMI.   The mention of us backpacking brought that memory back like it was yesterday.  That was 10 years ago!  I don't make a habit of threatening my kids!  They are my greatest accomplishment -- I just don't want any greatest regrets to accompany that.

Major kudos for taking your son out hiking and backpacking!  Getting kids (both boys and girls of course) out in nature, trail, wilderness- is such a great idea.  I have vivid memories of lots of time spend in "the great outdoors".  Your son will likely appreciate those experiences for a lifetime.
Good job, Travels!

Travels With said:

Ducks.
My 16 year old came home today and he and his good buddy bought two ducks at the feed store.  He says they're doing a "joint custody" with the ducks.  WHAT?  We have chickens in our backyard.  They're useful.  The kids like them.  They take care of them.  And the chickens lay eggs.  Ducks.  Why would a feed store sell two 16 year old boys ducks.  I made him read for an hour tonight on "animal husbandry for ducks."  Okay, I get the ..... if your kid brings home a duck (or two) and that's your worry -- you have nothing to worry about.  I'm actually more worried about the ducks than anything else.  I just know I'm going to end up taking care of these ducks.  What goes on in the teenage brain that says, "hey, you know we should do after school today?  We should go buy some ducks."  WTD?

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