Should I ask Agnes out on a date?

Spiritual_Chaos said:

PJ_Soul said:

Obviously she wasn't, which is why he ended it with her. 

She ended it with me though. I guess she gave me some kind of open to saying I was sorry. But I didn't take it. I eyerolled my way out of there. Like a man! *highfives*

Lol! Well, either way, definitely sounds like it's for the best! Anyone who would dump a person over that isn't worth your time IMO.

HughFreakingDillon said:

Spiritual_Chaos said:

PJ_Soul said:

darwinstheory said:

That's the kind of joke I would make to those that know me. I like that fine line and recognize that a joke can be just that, and nothing more. 

But I would not make that joke online to a woman I was trying to hook up with. 

I think that if you feel you have to hold back like that in order to "hook up", you shouldn't bother with that person at all. Find someone who can take you as you are. I HATE knowing that guys kind of fake their way through the beginnings of relationships like that, only showing their "best side". That's the WORST. If I'm dating a guy who is okay with something I'm not okay with (not that off-side jokes would qualify for me, of course), I want to know that BEFORE I waste my time, not after.

Threading gently, and feeling your surroundings and where you have eachother isn't really "faking" it IMO. People do often tell me this though at parties because of my played-up bluntness:

exactly. It's not faking who you are. it's just not revealing the full spectrum yet. everyone gets scared away by things before they are comfortable. once it's in context of some type of commitment or familiarity, those things are more often taken with grain of salt. 

PJ_Soul said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

PJ_Soul said:

darwinstheory said:

That's the kind of joke I would make to those that know me. I like that fine line and recognize that a joke can be just that, and nothing more. 

But I would not make that joke online to a woman I was trying to hook up with. 

I think that if you feel you have to hold back like that in order to "hook up", you shouldn't bother with that person at all. Find someone who can take you as you are. I HATE knowing that guys kind of fake their way through the beginnings of relationships like that, only showing their "best side". That's the WORST. If I'm dating a guy who is okay with something I'm not okay with (not that off-side jokes would qualify for me, of course), I want to know that BEFORE I waste my time, not after.

it's not "holding back" by not making a domestic abuse joke online (initially what we thought). you don't know if this woman had been abused before. that's just simply not very smart dating tactics. 

I think it was a really tame joke no matter who the audience was... I think that is more the point. If someone thinks that's an acceptable joke, so that he actually said it comfortably, then she should be on the same page. Obviously she wasn't, which is why he ended it with her. Because she indeed couldn't take a joke that he's okay with. Better to get things like that worked out right away. And of course, you know me when it comes to this - if that kind of joke offends someone enough for it to be "an issue", then I also wouldn't want anything to do with them. The people I want to be around really do have to take jokes a lot better than that, no matter what the subject matter is and their personal connection to the subject matter. Figuring out those limits earlier rather than later is definitely a good thing! Therefore, I think saying such a joke early IS a very smart dating tactic! Find out what you can get away with asap, lol.

generally you can "get away with" 100x more stuff when you are in a relationship, or have some type of rapport with the person. I mean, by this, why not just show up on the date in sweats, unshowered, and tell the girl all the kinky things you are into right off the hop? I mean, that's the real sunday morning me, right?

now, SC mentioned having been "together" a dozen times or so, and being invited on some trip, so that must mean some type of relationship with this person. But still, a joke about domestic abuse has its place and with the right person. if she is sensitive to this one subject, I hardly believe that is reason to cast her away. everyone has baggage. maybe that's hers. i would have communicated with her about why it bothered her. maybe she would have shared, maybe she wouldn't have. But she must not have been that important to just cast aside like that for pride about a joke. 

I do think that someone who would dump a person because they didn't like a joke he said is not someone anyone should want to date, seriously. That's ridiculous. Anyone who would do that is probably super duper rigid, and will head for the hills for any number of reasons at any given time.

Spiritual_Chaos said:

PJ_Soul said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Spiritual_Chaos said:

PJ_Soul said:

darwinstheory said:

That's the kind of joke I would make to those that know me. I like that fine line and recognize that a joke can be just that, and nothing more. 

But I would not make that joke online to a woman I was trying to hook up with. 

I think that if you feel you have to hold back like that in order to "hook up", you shouldn't bother with that person at all. Find someone who can take you as you are. I HATE knowing that guys kind of fake their way through the beginnings of relationships like that, only showing their "best side". That's the WORST. If I'm dating a guy who is okay with something I'm not okay with (not that off-side jokes would qualify for me, of course), I want to know that BEFORE I waste my time, not after.

Threading gently, and feeling your surroundings and where you have eachother isn't really "faking" it IMO. People do often tell me this though at parties because of my played-up bluntness:

exactly. It's not faking who you are. it's just not revealing the full spectrum yet. everyone gets scared away by things before they are comfortable. once it's in context of some type of commitment or familiarity, those things are more often taken with grain of salt. 

They'd already slept together 14 times FFS. I think that's enough so that he should be able to get away with a joke she didn't like! Come on now. Believe it or not, I'm a tactful person. I never have a problem with that. 

But he's talking about cases where you haven't been sleeping with the god of love Spiritual_Chaos for up to 14 times...


Any example of what the gentlemen in your life were hiding? Were they Trump voters?

HughFreakingDillon said:

for instance.....if someone I slept with 14 times had made a joke about physical disabilities, (my mom had polio as a child), there's a very good chance I'd dump them INSTANTLY. 

WOW. Seriously??? That seems exceedingly unreasonable to me, to the point where I find it hard to believe! Haven't you ever heard of forgiving someone when they do something you don't like??

HughFreakingDillon said:

PJ_Soul said:

Spiritual_Chaos said:

PJ_Soul said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Spiritual_Chaos said:

PJ_Soul said:

darwinstheory said:

That's the kind of joke I would make to those that know me. I like that fine line and recognize that a joke can be just that, and nothing more. 

But I would not make that joke online to a woman I was trying to hook up with. 

I think that if you feel you have to hold back like that in order to "hook up", you shouldn't bother with that person at all. Find someone who can take you as you are. I HATE knowing that guys kind of fake their way through the beginnings of relationships like that, only showing their "best side". That's the WORST. If I'm dating a guy who is okay with something I'm not okay with (not that off-side jokes would qualify for me, of course), I want to know that BEFORE I waste my time, not after.

Threading gently, and feeling your surroundings and where you have eachother isn't really "faking" it IMO. People do often tell me this though at parties because of my played-up bluntness:

exactly. It's not faking who you are. it's just not revealing the full spectrum yet. everyone gets scared away by things before they are comfortable. once it's in context of some type of commitment or familiarity, those things are more often taken with grain of salt. 

They'd already slept together 14 times FFS. I think that's enough so that he should be able to get away with a joke she didn't like! Come on now. Believe it or not, I'm a tactful person. I never have a problem with that. 

But he's talking about cases where you haven't been sleeping with the god of love Spiritual_Chaos for up to 14 times...


Any example of what the gentlemen in your life were hiding? Were they Trump voters?

Just general parts of their personalities, and yes, parts of their senses of humour. Men really do tend to put on their best front for women for way too long when they date. They want to reel the woman in... which to them means they need to hide parts of their true selves. Holy red flag. And honestly, none of the things they chose to hide (like quirks, or opinions about certain things, or a lack of interest in something I'm interested in, so they faked interest, etc etc) would have been deal breakers for me. The deal breaker was always the fact that they weren't just being themselves as they courted me. To me, that shows too much comfort with hiding information or lying. FWIW, all guys who I was with for any amount of time who pulled this were indeed liars by nature.

that's because most people, not just men, put their best foot forward when meeting people and expect the same. the fact that you expect different, to me, being the minority in the dating world, would suggest it is the responsibility on your part to be open and state right off the bat that you prefer openness from day 1. 

You think that makes a difference? It doesn't. I DO always make it clear that I prefer openness. It's one of the defining parts of my personality (and often one of the things the men appreciate about me, ironically). That doesn't fucking mean anything to men who would prefer to just keep up a front until they think they have me roped in.

PJ_Soul said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

PJ_Soul said:

Spiritual_Chaos said:

PJ_Soul said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

Spiritual_Chaos said:

PJ_Soul said:

darwinstheory said:

That's the kind of joke I would make to those that know me. I like that fine line and recognize that a joke can be just that, and nothing more. 

But I would not make that joke online to a woman I was trying to hook up with. 

I think that if you feel you have to hold back like that in order to "hook up", you shouldn't bother with that person at all. Find someone who can take you as you are. I HATE knowing that guys kind of fake their way through the beginnings of relationships like that, only showing their "best side". That's the WORST. If I'm dating a guy who is okay with something I'm not okay with (not that off-side jokes would qualify for me, of course), I want to know that BEFORE I waste my time, not after.

Threading gently, and feeling your surroundings and where you have eachother isn't really "faking" it IMO. People do often tell me this though at parties because of my played-up bluntness:

exactly. It's not faking who you are. it's just not revealing the full spectrum yet. everyone gets scared away by things before they are comfortable. once it's in context of some type of commitment or familiarity, those things are more often taken with grain of salt. 

They'd already slept together 14 times FFS. I think that's enough so that he should be able to get away with a joke she didn't like! Come on now. Believe it or not, I'm a tactful person. I never have a problem with that. 

But he's talking about cases where you haven't been sleeping with the god of love Spiritual_Chaos for up to 14 times...


Any example of what the gentlemen in your life were hiding? Were they Trump voters?

Just general parts of their personalities, and yes, parts of their senses of humour. Men really do tend to put on their best front for women for way too long when they date. They want to reel the woman in... which to them means they need to hide parts of their true selves. Holy red flag. And honestly, none of the things they chose to hide (like quirks, or opinions about certain things, or a lack of interest in something I'm interested in, so they faked interest, etc etc) would have been deal breakers for me. The deal breaker was always the fact that they weren't just being themselves as they courted me. To me, that shows too much comfort with hiding information or lying. FWIW, all guys who I was with for any amount of time who pulled this were indeed liars by nature.

that's because most people, not just men, put their best foot forward when meeting people and expect the same. the fact that you expect different, to me, being the minority in the dating world, would suggest it is the responsibility on your part to be open and state right off the bat that you prefer openness from day 1. 

You think that makes a difference? It doesn't. I DO always make it clear that I prefer openness. It's one of the defining parts of my personality (and often one of the things the men appreciate about me, ironically). That doesn't fucking mean anything to men who would prefer to just keep up a front until they think they have me roped in.

well it would make a difference to a decent guy. IMO

PJ_Soul said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

PJ_Soul said:

HughFreakingDillon said:

for instance.....if someone I slept with 14 times had made a joke about physical disabilities, (my mom had polio as a child), there's a very good chance I'd dump them INSTANTLY. 

WOW. Seriously??? That seems exceedingly unreasonable to me, to the point where I find it hard to believe! Haven't you even heard of forgiving someone when they do something you don't like??

well, being married to someone for 15 years would suggest I obviously do.

it seems exceedingly unreasonable that I wouldn't want to date someone who has a shitty attitude towards the physically challenged? but it's unreasonable for men to not reveal their whole selves in the first few dates? LOL

Lol, see, someone telling a joke about something actually doesn't tell you or anyone if they have a shitty attitude about anything. Someone with a generally great attitude about the physically challenge may very well still throw out a distasteful joke. Again, you and I are really having a disagreement over JOKES and humour and what they mean or don't mean. We probably don't need to go over that again, lol.

they might. but it also could easily mean the opposite if they are willing to toss a joke like that out that early. 

a joke can often, and does often, have an underlying truth as to the attitude of the person telling it. would I dump someone I had been in a relationship for a year or two years for that? nope. we'd have a discussion about it and move on. but sleeping with a dozen times? for all I know, that number could mean I've known the person for two weeks or a month. that's zero in the grand scheme. all depends on the investment and if I want to keep it or cut bait. 

HughFreakingDillon said:

and there can be debate on what jokes are acceptable and what aren't, depending on subject matter, context, and audience. no one person can claim they are "right" when it comes to that. it's all personal preference and opinion. 

I didn't say that. I'm not claiming I'm "right" in that context. I just think that even when people hate a joke or find it offensive they should be able to chill out and take it as a joke (however terrible and however much it irritated them) instead of dumping someone over it, lol.