A former friend reached out to me via his mum (wants to reconnect)...not sure what to do

kce8 · January 2019

I would call him. Give it a chance and if it doesn't fit it will be easier for you to let it be.
Sounds like his mum is desperate about him and tries to help him. If he's not interested you don't have to feel bad.

Poncier · January 2019

Well if you don't want to talk to him, you should get Agnes' phone number from SC for him so he's not lonely.

MayDay10 · January 2019

you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

Poncier · January 2019

MayDay10 said:

you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

Unless you're married.

OffSheGoes35 · January 2019

Poncier said:

MayDay10 said:

you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

Unless you're married.

Mayday, you forgot to use an asterisk.

Thirty Bills Unpaid · January 2019

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Thanks all.
I was thinking maybe he has grown up and settled down now.
People gave up on me when I stopped wanting to go out partying, I just feel like 'how dare you' when it comes to just choosing when you want to be my friend and when you don't.
This is going to cause me a sleepless night. Can't get it out of my head.
I don't want to go back to the past yet I don't want to feel responsible for someone's mental wellbeing suffering.
His parents told my parents he never goes anywhere at all, he's housebound other than work and gym.
Not sure why he's no longer friends with 2 guys we were mutual friends with.
His mum said it's because one of them got married. Wtf, that's no excuse to not be friends with someone.
If he wanted my number why didn't he call my mum himself.

Are you still going to the gym? Maybe you can connect as workout buddies? If you're not still going to the gym... reach out to him and suggest meeting at his gym (let him know your folks had been talking with his folks and let him know you're a 'novice', but looking to get fitter and could use his experience).

If he says he's got a routine and partner already... then you tried. You can walk away from any obligation you might feel.

If he agrees to meet at the gym... then great! Go get fit. Give him a fist bump after your workouts and go home. The gym is a safe environment from any political conversation or pressures you don't want to face. If a friendship develops... then great! If not... at a bare minimum... you both have had some meaningful human interaction and you've both worked at getting fit.

bootlegger10 · January 2019

I don't see the harm in meeting for coffee to appease your parents. You can put your foot down where to meet up. I'm guessing this other person may be getting pressure from his folks to get out of the house too. Likely you'll have coffee and then not see each other for six years because neither of you really want to hang out.

And if the person texts you to hang out a week later say you are busy. If the next week you get a text then say you are busy. If they don't get the hint then just say you aren't the person that wants to hang out every weekend.

I get it though. I have a good friend who I'll go to lunch with and then get a message the following week if I'm up for lunch. I just want to write back "Dude, we just had lunch last week. I would do lunch in a couple months." I'm just busy with work and when I can get the little free time I have I want to spend it the way I want to spend it.

Thirty Bills Unpaid · January 2019

bootlegger10 said:

I don't see the harm in meeting for coffee to appease your parents. You can put your foot down where to meet up. I'm guessing this other person may be getting pressure from his folks to get out of the house too. Likely you'll have coffee and then not see each other for six years because neither of you really want to hang out.
And if the person texts you to hang out a week later say you are busy. If the next week you get a text then say you are busy. If they don't get the hint then just say you aren't the person that wants to hang out every weekend.
I get it though. I have a good friend who I'll go to lunch with and then get a message the following week if I'm up for lunch. I just want to write back "Dude, we just had lunch last week. I would do lunch in a couple months." I'm just busy with work and when I can get the little free time I have I want to spend it the way I want to spend it.

Yes. Must be careful not to attract a Stage 5 Clinger.

PJ_Soul · January 2019

If you don't want to hang out with him, don't hang out with him. I think it's ridiculous that your parents or his parents would place any expectation about this on you. You're a grown man, not a fucking 8 year old. Now if you REALLY feel bad for this guy, then sure, it would be kind of you to at least just go hang out with him once. I'm sure that will be enough for both you to fully acknowledge that you don't have anything in common and have no reason to be hanging out with each other... hopefully, lol. There is the risk of him being all clingy and not getting the message I suppose. If you're worried about that possibility, then fuck it. Just say no, you're busy and can't hang out. Simple as that. FWIW, I wouldn't be caught dead with someone who posted anti-Muslim shit on Facebook. That right there would be enough for me to say, "thanks, but no thanks. I saw your views on facebook, and I'm not cool with that. Bye."

Thoughts_Arrive · January 2019

willbarclay said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I would but this guilt is killing me.
What if he's depressed and desperate for a friend?
I have changed so much since I lost all my old friends.
I've discovered who I am in a way, I've thrown myself into music, art, embraced my left-leaning ideology rather than feel ashamed of it and hide it. It's like being dragged back to a time when I wasn't my true self and unhappy.

Maybe he has changed too. I know ive changed since my party daze.
Maybe his mother is pressuring this get together. Maybe he's not all that for it too.
If he calls just hear what he has to say and feel out the conversation. If your not interested im sure you can find an out somewhere in the conversation.
Good Luck

It seems it is mum pressuring it too. My mum said his mum kept suggesting it.
Sick of people butting into my life.

Thoughts_Arrive · January 2019

Thirty Bills Unpaid said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

Thanks all.
I was thinking maybe he has grown up and settled down now.
People gave up on me when I stopped wanting to go out partying, I just feel like 'how dare you' when it comes to just choosing when you want to be my friend and when you don't.
This is going to cause me a sleepless night. Can't get it out of my head.
I don't want to go back to the past yet I don't want to feel responsible for someone's mental wellbeing suffering.
His parents told my parents he never goes anywhere at all, he's housebound other than work and gym.
Not sure why he's no longer friends with 2 guys we were mutual friends with.
His mum said it's because one of them got married. Wtf, that's no excuse to not be friends with someone.
If he wanted my number why didn't he call my mum himself.

Are you still going to the gym? Maybe you can connect as workout buddies? If you're not still going to the gym... reach out to him and suggest meeting at his gym (let him know your folks had been talking with his folks and let him know you're a 'novice', but looking to get fitter and could use his experience).

If he says he's got a routine and partner already... then you tried. You can walk away from any obligation you might feel.

If he agrees to meet at the gym... then great! Go get fit. Give him a fist bump after your workouts and go home. The gym is a safe environment from any political conversation or pressures you don't want to face. If a friendship develops... then great! If not... at a bare minimum... you both have had some meaningful human interaction and you've both worked at getting fit.

Not really wanting to connect with someone because of gym to be honest. I am there to work out. I want a connection that is deep with someone not just something to do with gym. I work out at home btw.

Thoughts_Arrive · January 2019

PJ_Soul said:

If you don't want to hang out with him, don't hang out with him. I think it's ridiculous that your parents or his parents would place any expectation about this on you. You're a grown man, not a fucking 8 year old. Now if you REALLY feel bad for this guy, then sure, it would be kind of you to at least just go hang out with him once. I'm sure that will be enough for both you to fully acknowledge that you don't have anything in common and have no reason to be hanging out with each other... hopefully, lol. There is the risk of him being all clingy and not getting the message I suppose. If you're worried about that possibility, then fuck it. Just say no, you're busy and can't hang out. Simple as that. FWIW, I wouldn't be caught dead with someone who posted anti-Muslim shit on Facebook. That right there would be enough for me to say, "thanks, but no thanks. I saw your views on facebook, and I'm not cool with that. Bye."

What I told my mum last night, I am not a child.
I am going to have to be tough with his mum she butts in too much. She once told my mum this girl friend of mine (no longer friends) likes me. She laughed and said no she only sees me as a friend.

I spied his Facebook page a while after I unfriended him and saw he joined/liked this anti-Muslim (Muslims out of Australia or something to that effect) group/page. I thought "glad I have nothing to do with him anymore". Him and his brother were both very clingy when we were friends, calling me every weekend to party and I'd say no and they'd call again begging me. I'd even get calls when at work for fucks sake.

Once I got retrenched the same week I bought a house so was under financial stress (new mortgage and now unemployed) and he wanted me to go to the Gold Coast with him for a weekend and pay for the hotel and all. I kept saying I cannot afford to blow $600 on a weekend away the same week I lost my job with a mortgage. He called again and again wanting me to go and then put me on a guilt trip for not going. Like wtf, him and his brother never cared about my needs, always their selfish needs.

oftenreading · January 2019

Thoughts_Arrive said:

willbarclay said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I would but this guilt is killing me.
What if he's depressed and desperate for a friend?
I have changed so much since I lost all my old friends.
I've discovered who I am in a way, I've thrown myself into music, art, embraced my left-leaning ideology rather than feel ashamed of it and hide it. It's like being dragged back to a time when I wasn't my true self and unhappy.

Maybe he has changed too. I know ive changed since my party daze.
Maybe his mother is pressuring this get together. Maybe he's not all that for it too.
If he calls just hear what he has to say and feel out the conversation. If your not interested im sure you can find an out somewhere in the conversation.
Good Luck

It seems it is mum pressuring it too. My mum said his mum kept suggesting it.
Sick of people butting into my life.

They can’t butt in without you allowing them to.

Thoughts_Arrive · January 2019

oftenreading said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

willbarclay said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

I would but this guilt is killing me.
What if he's depressed and desperate for a friend?
I have changed so much since I lost all my old friends.
I've discovered who I am in a way, I've thrown myself into music, art, embraced my left-leaning ideology rather than feel ashamed of it and hide it. It's like being dragged back to a time when I wasn't my true self and unhappy.

Maybe he has changed too. I know ive changed since my party daze.
Maybe his mother is pressuring this get together. Maybe he's not all that for it too.
If he calls just hear what he has to say and feel out the conversation. If your not interested im sure you can find an out somewhere in the conversation.
Good Luck

It seems it is mum pressuring it too. My mum said his mum kept suggesting it.
Sick of people butting into my life.

They can’t butt in without you allowing them to.

They already have. So pissed off. I need to put people in their places.

Thoughts_Arrive · January 2019

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brianlux · January 2019

josevolution said:

Thoughts_Arrive said:

He's never been one for a deep and meaningful over a coffee.
Maybe he has changed. If I don't feel a connection then it's a waste of time but I feel bad saying that to someone.
How do I say I don't want to be friends because we are not on the same wavelength?

Actions speak louder than words no response from you should send the message..

I think this is good advice. Some might call it chicken shit to just ignore this person but if you really believe there is little chance this friendship will rekindle, I think staying away would be more kind than trying to make it happen and wind up making yourself miserable or hurting him more by having to dump him later as a friend. In other words, in the long run, the silent treatment may be the least painful for all involved.

As for you mum pressuring you, if you do opt for ignoring the guy, let her know why you are doing that and how that would be the more kind thing to do. Hopefully she would understand that.

Thoughts_Arrive · January 2019

Thanks Brian and thanks Jose.
It's not my mum pressuring me, it's his mum that keeps suggesting me and him being friends.
My mum is just in a tough situation where she has to tell her friend that I said no to giving her son my number.
Who knows if he even said he wants to speak to me or if it's his mum setting it all up.
I explained well enough to my parents my reasons for not wanting to be friends with the guy.
If he's lonely without friends then so am I, I don't have many and am home more than socialising. Deal with it.

lastexitlondon · January 2019

Maybe he is lonely because of his racist views . Which is deserved

SD48277 · January 2019

If his mother asks you (or your mother) again, maybe you (or your mother) could give her a few phone numbers to counselors/therapists, and explain that you don't feel comfortable spending time with him but maybe these folks can help him out. Just a suggestion.

Thirty Bills Unpaid · January 2019

I agree with above posters. This guy is not your responsibility and if you know enough of him to steer clear... then steer clear.

Tell mom that you prefer to select your own friends, but thanks for thinking of you.

A former friend reached out to me via his mum (wants to reconnect)...not sure what to do

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