A former friend reached out to me via his mum (wants to reconnect)...not sure what to do

Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, AustraliaPosts: 13,070
Hey all,
I am in a stressful situation here.
A guy I was friends with and have not heard from or seen for about 6 years want to call me.
His parents are good friends with my parents and his mum mentioned to me when she was at my parents house today that he wants to see me.
Later in the day she called my mum asking for my number as her son wants to call me.
His parents told my parents he has no friends, he's lost touch with people we both used to be friends with years ago and is always at home.

I feel bad for him but at the same time feel like I am being pressured into being friends with a person who I don't have much in common with.
We were friends through our parents and because we are both of the same ethnic background.
Our relationship was limited to going out to bars and nightclubs and events around our cultural background.
It was all about drinking till drunk and partying.
I've moved on in life, I have different interests and he is anti-Muslim whereas I am not (found this out on his Facebook page).
I was miserable being pressured into being friends with him and his brother, I don't feel any connection with them that is deep and meaningful.
They're not the types I can go have a coffee or lunch with and talk about life. It's only partying.
Plus he and his brother are both selfish, always about their needs without considering mine.
I could rant more but won't.

I don't know what to do.
I feel for his situation because my heart is too big for my own good.
His mum has a history of depression and anxiety (severe requiring hospitalisation), worried he may be in the same boat and he may be depressed.
Where has he been all these years? Why all of a sudden wanting to reconnect?

What would you do?
If someone you don't have any connection with wants to be friends with and may be depressed because they have no friends, would you reconnect?

Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
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Comments

  • lastexitlondonlastexitlondon Posts: 3,926
    Tough one. But maybe if he calls just chat and explain like you just have. Life moved on
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    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • Spiritual_ChaosSpiritual_Chaos Posts: 10,209
    Isn't him being openly "anti-muslim" your easy way out?
    The man they call my enemy. I've seen his eyes, he looks just like me - A mirror...
  • AnnafalkAnnafalk SwedenPosts: 3,809
    It would be kind of harsh to not at least give him a call.
  • Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, AustraliaPosts: 13,070
    Forgot to add,
    When my mum was battling with breast cancer him or his brother never sent me a message or called me to see how I was going.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, AustraliaPosts: 13,070
    Isn't him being openly "anti-muslim" your easy way out?
    Not really, I don't want to have to clash with someone with far-right views.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • Spiritual_ChaosSpiritual_Chaos Posts: 10,209
    edited January 11
    Isn't him being openly "anti-muslim" your easy way out?
    Not really, I don't want to have to clash with someone with far-right views.
    Hmm. I guess if I were in your situation that would have been the easy thing for me. Him asking "so you wanna meet up for a drink" I would just say I don't really wanna be around this anti-muslim thing that is 1) Making life hard for the muslim population and 2) to ignorant for me. I don't want to support that venom.

    But I guess we're all different. And also, obviously I or anyone else aren't in your shoes. 

    But not being around racists and stuff is a no-brainer for me. Easy to say though.
    Post edited by Spiritual_Chaos on
    The man they call my enemy. I've seen his eyes, he looks just like me - A mirror...
  • Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, AustraliaPosts: 13,070
    he doesn't know I know but.

    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • lastexitlondonlastexitlondon Posts: 3,926
    Honesty is the only policy. Explain your feelings. Nothing to lose but credibility and clear soul to gain
    brixton 93
    astoria 06
    albany 06
    hartford 06
    reading 06
    barcelona 06
    paris 06
    wembley 07
    dusseldorf 07
    nijmegen 07

    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, AustraliaPosts: 13,070
    I would but this guilt is killing me.
    What if he's depressed and desperate for a friend?
    I have changed so much since I lost all my old friends.
    I've discovered who I am in a way, I've thrown myself into music, art, embraced my left-leaning ideology rather than feel ashamed of it and hide it. It's like being dragged back to a time when I wasn't my true self and unhappy.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • mickeyratmickeyrat Posts: 14,340
    I would but this guilt is killing me.
    What if he's depressed and desperate for a friend?
    I have changed so much since I lost all my old friends.
    I've discovered who I am in a way, I've thrown myself into music, art, embraced my left-leaning ideology rather than feel ashamed of it and hide it. It's like being dragged back to a time when I wasn't my true self and unhappy.
    then this is an opportunity to stand up for who you are now.  his depression or whatever is not your responsibility, IF he is even in that state.

    you state how much you have grown. maybe he has too. for all you know those fb posts are a front, unless of course its rampant but still may be a cover for a different thought process.

    this guilt you say you feel for an unknown isnt exactly rational given you cant say for sure just where he is at in life.

    its worth a chat imo. you arent obligated to do anything beyond that.


    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
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  • lastexitlondonlastexitlondon Posts: 3,926
    I agree
    brixton 93
    astoria 06
    albany 06
    hartford 06
    reading 06
    barcelona 06
    paris 06
    wembley 07
    dusseldorf 07
    nijmegen 07

    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • camsjamcamsjam Posts: 340
    I believe unless somebody is an awful person everyone deserves a chance for friendship. You know how hard loneliness can be. Be kind but be strong and unapologetic about the person you are now, your interests and lack of desire to just be a drinking buddy. Give it a chance and don't be guilt tripped into a relationship if there is a negative effect on you from this person. Good luck
  • Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, AustraliaPosts: 13,070
    Thanks all.
    I was thinking maybe he has grown up and settled down now.
    People gave up on me when I stopped wanting to go out partying, I just feel like 'how dare you' when it comes to just choosing when you want to be my friend and when you don't. 
    This is going to cause me a sleepless night. Can't get it out of my head.
    I don't want to go back to the past yet I don't want to feel responsible for someone's mental wellbeing suffering.
    His parents told my parents he never goes anywhere at all, he's housebound other than work and gym.
    Not sure why he's no longer friends with 2 guys we were mutual friends with.
    His mum said it's because one of them got married. Wtf, that's no excuse to not be friends with someone.
    If he wanted my number why didn't he call my mum himself.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, AustraliaPosts: 13,070
    Forgot to add, yes I know how hard loneliness can be.
    I've been that way, and kind of still am.
    I don't have many friends and am housebound a lot.
    The past 3 new years eve's I've had nowhere to go and have been at home.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • Meltdown99Meltdown99 None Of Your Business...Posts: 3,780
    camsjam said:
    I believe unless somebody is an awful person everyone deserves a chance for friendship. You know how hard loneliness can be. Be kind but be strong and unapologetic about the person you are now, your interests and lack of desire to just be a drinking buddy. Give it a chance and don't be guilt tripped into a relationship if there is a negative effect on you from this person. Good luck

  • Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, AustraliaPosts: 13,070
    It's like saying two people should get married because they are both lonely. Well, that's the worst thing to do.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • Meltdown99Meltdown99 None Of Your Business...Posts: 3,780
    What harm would a conversation over coffee do?  He may have changed, people do all the time.  If he is still the same person you can just tell him you are not interested in friendship.  You should consider the request.  
  • Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, AustraliaPosts: 13,070
    He's never been one for a deep and meaningful over a coffee.
    Maybe he has changed. If I don't feel a connection then it's a waste of time but I feel bad saying that to someone.
    How do I say I don't want to be friends because we are not on the same wavelength?
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • josevolutionjosevolution Posts: 20,069
    He's never been one for a deep and meaningful over a coffee.
    Maybe he has changed. If I don't feel a connection then it's a waste of time but I feel bad saying that to someone.
    How do I say I don't want to be friends because we are not on the same wavelength?
    Actions speak louder than words no response from you should send the message..
    jesus greets me looks just like me ....
  • willbarclaywillbarclay Ottawa, Canada Posts: 2,613
    I would but this guilt is killing me.
    What if he's depressed and desperate for a friend?
    I have changed so much since I lost all my old friends.
    I've discovered who I am in a way, I've thrown myself into music, art, embraced my left-leaning ideology rather than feel ashamed of it and hide it. It's like being dragged back to a time when I wasn't my true self and unhappy.


    Maybe he has changed too. I know ive changed since my party daze. =)

    Maybe his mother is pressuring this get together. Maybe he's not all that for it too.

    If he calls just hear what he has to say and feel out the conversation. If your not interested im sure you can find an out somewhere in the conversation.

    Good Luck  

  • kce8kce8 Posts: 1,350
    I would call him. Give it a chance and if it doesn't fit it will be easier for you to let it be. 
    Sounds like his mum is desperate about him and tries to help him. If he's not interested you don't have to feel bad. 
    :smile:
  • PoncierPoncier Posts: 9,082
    Well if you don't want to talk to him, you should get Agnes' phone number from SC for him so he's not lonely.
    This weekend we rock Portland
  • MayDay10MayDay10 Posts: 9,692
    you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.  


  • PoncierPoncier Posts: 9,082
    MayDay10 said:
    you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.  


    Unless you're married.
    This weekend we rock Portland
  • OffSheGoes35OffSheGoes35 Posts: 1,594
    Poncier said:
    MayDay10 said:
    you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.  


    Unless you're married.
    Mayday, you forgot to use an asterisk.
  • Thanks all.
    I was thinking maybe he has grown up and settled down now.
    People gave up on me when I stopped wanting to go out partying, I just feel like 'how dare you' when it comes to just choosing when you want to be my friend and when you don't. 
    This is going to cause me a sleepless night. Can't get it out of my head.
    I don't want to go back to the past yet I don't want to feel responsible for someone's mental wellbeing suffering.
    His parents told my parents he never goes anywhere at all, he's housebound other than work and gym.
    Not sure why he's no longer friends with 2 guys we were mutual friends with.
    His mum said it's because one of them got married. Wtf, that's no excuse to not be friends with someone.
    If he wanted my number why didn't he call my mum himself.

    Are you still going to the gym? Maybe you can connect as workout buddies? If you're not still going to the gym... reach out to him and suggest meeting at his gym (let him know your folks had been talking with his folks and let him know you're a 'novice', but looking to get fitter and could use his experience).

    If he says he's got a routine and partner already... then you tried. You can walk away from any obligation you might feel.

    If he agrees to meet at the gym... then great! Go get fit. Give him a fist bump after your workouts and go home. The gym is a safe environment from any political conversation or pressures you don't want to face. If a friendship develops... then great! If not... at a bare minimum... you both have had some meaningful human interaction and you've both worked at getting fit.
    "My brain's a good brain!"
  • bootlegger10bootlegger10 Posts: 11,057

    I don't see the harm in meeting for coffee to appease your parents.   You can put your foot down where to meet up.  I'm guessing this other person may be getting pressure from his folks to get out of the house too.   Likely you'll have coffee and then not see each other for six years because neither of you really want to hang out. 

    And if the person texts you to hang out a week later say you are busy.  If the next week you get a text then say you are busy.  If they don't get the hint then just say you aren't the person that wants to hang out every weekend. 

    I get it though.  I have a good friend who I'll go to lunch with and then get a message the following week if I'm up for lunch.  I just want to write back "Dude, we just had lunch last week.  I would do lunch in a couple months."  I'm just busy with work and when I can get the little free time I have I want to spend it the way I want to spend it. 


  • I don't see the harm in meeting for coffee to appease your parents.   You can put your foot down where to meet up.  I'm guessing this other person may be getting pressure from his folks to get out of the house too.   Likely you'll have coffee and then not see each other for six years because neither of you really want to hang out. 

    And if the person texts you to hang out a week later say you are busy.  If the next week you get a text then say you are busy.  If they don't get the hint then just say you aren't the person that wants to hang out every weekend. 

    I get it though.  I have a good friend who I'll go to lunch with and then get a message the following week if I'm up for lunch.  I just want to write back "Dude, we just had lunch last week.  I would do lunch in a couple months."  I'm just busy with work and when I can get the little free time I have I want to spend it the way I want to spend it. 



    Yes. Must be careful not to attract a Stage 5 Clinger.
    "My brain's a good brain!"
  • PJ_SoulPJ_Soul Vancouver, BCPosts: 44,685
    edited January 11
    If you don't want to hang out with him, don't hang out with him. I think it's ridiculous that your parents or his parents would place any expectation about this on you. You're a grown man, not a fucking 8 year old. Now if you REALLY feel bad for this guy, then sure, it would be kind of you to at least just go hang out with him once. I'm sure that will be enough for both you to fully acknowledge that you don't have anything in common and have no reason to be hanging out with each other... hopefully, lol. There is the risk of him being all clingy and not getting the message I suppose. If you're worried about that possibility, then fuck it. Just say no, you're busy and can't hang out. Simple as that. FWIW, I wouldn't be caught dead with someone who posted anti-Muslim shit on Facebook. That right there would be enough for me to say, "thanks, but no thanks. I saw your views on facebook, and I'm not cool with that. Bye."
    Post edited by PJ_Soul on
    With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy. ~ Desiderata
  • Thoughts_ArriveThoughts_Arrive Melbourne, AustraliaPosts: 13,070
    I would but this guilt is killing me.
    What if he's depressed and desperate for a friend?
    I have changed so much since I lost all my old friends.
    I've discovered who I am in a way, I've thrown myself into music, art, embraced my left-leaning ideology rather than feel ashamed of it and hide it. It's like being dragged back to a time when I wasn't my true self and unhappy.


    Maybe he has changed too. I know ive changed since my party daze. =)

    Maybe his mother is pressuring this get together. Maybe he's not all that for it too.

    If he calls just hear what he has to say and feel out the conversation. If your not interested im sure you can find an out somewhere in the conversation.

    Good Luck  

    It seems it is mum pressuring it too. My mum said his mum kept suggesting it.
    Sick of people butting into my life.

    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
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