A former friend reached out to me via his mum (wants to reconnect)...not sure what to do

Thoughts_Arrive
Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
in All Encompassing Trip
Hey all,
I am in a stressful situation here.
A guy I was friends with and have not heard from or seen for about 6 years want to call me.
His parents are good friends with my parents and his mum mentioned to me when she was at my parents house today that he wants to see me.
Later in the day she called my mum asking for my number as her son wants to call me.
His parents told my parents he has no friends, he's lost touch with people we both used to be friends with years ago and is always at home.

I feel bad for him but at the same time feel like I am being pressured into being friends with a person who I don't have much in common with.
We were friends through our parents and because we are both of the same ethnic background.
Our relationship was limited to going out to bars and nightclubs and events around our cultural background.
It was all about drinking till drunk and partying.
I've moved on in life, I have different interests and he is anti-Muslim whereas I am not (found this out on his Facebook page).
I was miserable being pressured into being friends with him and his brother, I don't feel any connection with them that is deep and meaningful.
They're not the types I can go have a coffee or lunch with and talk about life. It's only partying.
Plus he and his brother are both selfish, always about their needs without considering mine.
I could rant more but won't.

I don't know what to do.
I feel for his situation because my heart is too big for my own good.
His mum has a history of depression and anxiety (severe requiring hospitalisation), worried he may be in the same boat and he may be depressed.
Where has he been all these years? Why all of a sudden wanting to reconnect?

What would you do?
If someone you don't have any connection with wants to be friends with and may be depressed because they have no friends, would you reconnect?

Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
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Comments

  • lastexitlondon
    lastexitlondon Posts: 14,968
    Tough one. But maybe if he calls just chat and explain like you just have. Life moved on


    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • Spiritual_Chaos
    Spiritual_Chaos Posts: 31,593
    Isn't him being openly "anti-muslim" your easy way out?
    "Mostly I think that people react sensitively because they know you’ve got a point"
  • Annafalk
    Annafalk Sweden Posts: 4,004
    It would be kind of harsh to not at least give him a call.
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    Forgot to add,
    When my mum was battling with breast cancer him or his brother never sent me a message or called me to see how I was going.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    Spiritual_Chaos said:
    Isn't him being openly "anti-muslim" your easy way out?
    Not really, I don't want to have to clash with someone with far-right views.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • Spiritual_Chaos
    Spiritual_Chaos Posts: 31,593
    edited January 2019
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    Spiritual_Chaos said:
    Isn't him being openly "anti-muslim" your easy way out?
    Not really, I don't want to have to clash with someone with far-right views.
    Hmm. I guess if I were in your situation that would have been the easy thing for me. Him asking "so you wanna meet up for a drink" I would just say I don't really wanna be around this anti-muslim thing that is 1) Making life hard for the muslim population and 2) to ignorant for me. I don't want to support that venom.

    But I guess we're all different. And also, obviously I or anyone else aren't in your shoes. 

    But not being around racists and stuff is a no-brainer for me. Easy to say though.
    Post edited by Spiritual_Chaos on
    "Mostly I think that people react sensitively because they know you’ve got a point"
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    he doesn't know I know but.

    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • lastexitlondon
    lastexitlondon Posts: 14,968
    Honesty is the only policy. Explain your feelings. Nothing to lose but credibility and clear soul to gain


    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    I would but this guilt is killing me.
    What if he's depressed and desperate for a friend?
    I have changed so much since I lost all my old friends.
    I've discovered who I am in a way, I've thrown myself into music, art, embraced my left-leaning ideology rather than feel ashamed of it and hide it. It's like being dragged back to a time when I wasn't my true self and unhappy.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • mickeyrat
    mickeyrat Posts: 44,805
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    I would but this guilt is killing me.
    What if he's depressed and desperate for a friend?
    I have changed so much since I lost all my old friends.
    I've discovered who I am in a way, I've thrown myself into music, art, embraced my left-leaning ideology rather than feel ashamed of it and hide it. It's like being dragged back to a time when I wasn't my true self and unhappy.
    then this is an opportunity to stand up for who you are now.  his depression or whatever is not your responsibility, IF he is even in that state.

    you state how much you have grown. maybe he has too. for all you know those fb posts are a front, unless of course its rampant but still may be a cover for a different thought process.

    this guilt you say you feel for an unknown isnt exactly rational given you cant say for sure just where he is at in life.

    its worth a chat imo. you arent obligated to do anything beyond that.


    _____________________________________SIGNATURE________________________________________________

    Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
    you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
    memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
    another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
  • lastexitlondon
    lastexitlondon Posts: 14,968
    I agree


    this song is meant to be called i got shit,itshould be called i got shit tickets-hartford 06 -
  • camsjam
    camsjam Posts: 375
    I believe unless somebody is an awful person everyone deserves a chance for friendship. You know how hard loneliness can be. Be kind but be strong and unapologetic about the person you are now, your interests and lack of desire to just be a drinking buddy. Give it a chance and don't be guilt tripped into a relationship if there is a negative effect on you from this person. Good luck
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    Thanks all.
    I was thinking maybe he has grown up and settled down now.
    People gave up on me when I stopped wanting to go out partying, I just feel like 'how dare you' when it comes to just choosing when you want to be my friend and when you don't. 
    This is going to cause me a sleepless night. Can't get it out of my head.
    I don't want to go back to the past yet I don't want to feel responsible for someone's mental wellbeing suffering.
    His parents told my parents he never goes anywhere at all, he's housebound other than work and gym.
    Not sure why he's no longer friends with 2 guys we were mutual friends with.
    His mum said it's because one of them got married. Wtf, that's no excuse to not be friends with someone.
    If he wanted my number why didn't he call my mum himself.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    Forgot to add, yes I know how hard loneliness can be.
    I've been that way, and kind of still am.
    I don't have many friends and am housebound a lot.
    The past 3 new years eve's I've had nowhere to go and have been at home.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • Meltdown99
    Meltdown99 None Of Your Business... Posts: 10,739
    camsjam said:
    I believe unless somebody is an awful person everyone deserves a chance for friendship. You know how hard loneliness can be. Be kind but be strong and unapologetic about the person you are now, your interests and lack of desire to just be a drinking buddy. Give it a chance and don't be guilt tripped into a relationship if there is a negative effect on you from this person. Good luck

    Give Peas A Chance…
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    It's like saying two people should get married because they are both lonely. Well, that's the worst thing to do.
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • Meltdown99
    Meltdown99 None Of Your Business... Posts: 10,739
    What harm would a conversation over coffee do?  He may have changed, people do all the time.  If he is still the same person you can just tell him you are not interested in friendship.  You should consider the request.  
    Give Peas A Chance…
  • Thoughts_Arrive
    Thoughts_Arrive Melbourne, Australia Posts: 15,165
    He's never been one for a deep and meaningful over a coffee.
    Maybe he has changed. If I don't feel a connection then it's a waste of time but I feel bad saying that to someone.
    How do I say I don't want to be friends because we are not on the same wavelength?
    Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
  • josevolution
    josevolution Posts: 31,821
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    He's never been one for a deep and meaningful over a coffee.
    Maybe he has changed. If I don't feel a connection then it's a waste of time but I feel bad saying that to someone.
    How do I say I don't want to be friends because we are not on the same wavelength?
    Actions speak louder than words no response from you should send the message..
    jesus greets me looks just like me ....
  • willbarclay
    willbarclay Ottawa, Canada Posts: 3,298
    Thoughts_Arrive said:
    I would but this guilt is killing me.
    What if he's depressed and desperate for a friend?
    I have changed so much since I lost all my old friends.
    I've discovered who I am in a way, I've thrown myself into music, art, embraced my left-leaning ideology rather than feel ashamed of it and hide it. It's like being dragged back to a time when I wasn't my true self and unhappy.


    Maybe he has changed too. I know ive changed since my party daze. =)

    Maybe his mother is pressuring this get together. Maybe he's not all that for it too.

    If he calls just hear what he has to say and feel out the conversation. If your not interested im sure you can find an out somewhere in the conversation.

    Good Luck  

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