Dealing with the loss of a parent....

samjam · September 2012

Hi all,

Wanted to come on here for some advice, I know this community has helped so many through difficult times.

I found out yesterday that my dad passed away. It was all very sudden, no warning coming.

My dad was a sensitive, caring, hilarious, smart, amazing man. Complicated and quite difficult to love oftentimes, but nevertheless I loved him with all my heart and chose to see the great qualities he did possess. Most definitely a daddy's girl. He loved music and passed on that love to me, and I will always remember and be thankful for that. Listening to The Who, The Beatles, The Doors in his car with him...priceless good memories. I'll always be jealous of the shows he saw back in the day, and some of the people he encountered and was even friends with along the way. He was an incredible teacher, and taught (regular school year, after school AND summer school) in rough schools in the Bronx,NY for almost 40 years. He had a weird, crude, dry sense of humor which he passed on to me...I'll miss the laughs as my mother and sister definitely do not share this sense of humor with us! He was the parent I'd call up when I was feeling shitty, and always knew the right thing to say.

I only wish that when he left this world, he was happy, and I know he was not. That's gonna be a hard one to swallow. He hadn't been in the best place physically or emotionally for the past 10 years or so, and I hope he finds all the peace and happiness he so deserved.

I'm shaken and confused and beyond upset, these emotions are weird and new I'm still trying to figure them out. I do have an amazing support network of friends who have been more than a help.

I'm sort of at a loss here. 19 years was way too short of a time to know my wonderful father, there will always be an empty space in my heart moving forward. How did you deal with the loss of a parent? I know everyone's grieving process is different, but how did you grieve? What helped? What didn't?

R.I.P. Dad, I love you so, so much. "Listening to you, I get the music"

BinauralJam · September 2012

Sorry for loss Sam

81 · September 2012

sorry for your loss

SPEEDY MCCREADY · September 2012

I am very sorry for your loss.

Michael

Who Princess · September 2012

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your dad.

Much of what you've posted resonated with me. I lost my dad unexpectedly nearly 5 years ago. I too was a daddy's girl, very close to him. We also shared the same dry sense of humor, unlike my mom and sister. After I became an adult, he was so much more to me--a buddy, a sounding board, a great friend to my husband.

His death was very difficult for me. Although the pain has lessened with time, I'm still surprised sometimes at how much I miss him. I'll read a book or see a movie that he would enjoy and I want to talk with him about it.

As to how I coped afterwards, not very well. But that had a lot to do with other circumstances, mainly being in a high stress job that I was completely unsuited for and having an unsympathetic boss. My friends were great though.

One thing that brought me tremendous comfort in the days right after his death were the expressions of love and respect from so many people. People told us about favors he had done or funny things that had happened. It meant the world to me to learn how much other people cared about him.

I'd suggest that you surround yourself with positive people who care about you. You may want some time to yourself and if you do, then take it. Two months after my dad's death, when Christmas rolled around and I was invited to parties, I couldn't go. It hurt to see people so frivolous and happy when I was so sad. So I didn't even go to my office Christmas party. But that feeling really only lasted through the holidays. I didn't isolate myself permanently, I just needed some solitude sometimes.

Continue to remember your dad with love and gratitude for all that he passed on to you. The love of music is a great bond and a great healer too.

I have to go to work now but I'll PM you tonight.

Carolyn

QuarterToTen · September 2012

Some days are easier than others, but we will always and forever, grieve.

Very sorry for your loss.

pandora · September 2012

Oh nineteen, that is a tender age to lose your father,
so very sorry for your loss samjam.

What you've had with him, who he is, his love for you and yours for him...
is forever yours to keep.
Over time this fills up the loss, fills you up, that the word loss is replaced entirely
with the word gain... in time ...
at least that is what I have experienced 22 years and 13 years after my Dad and Mom's passing.
But for now you will grieve as your heart needs, in your own way.

I remember music was a great healer, Pearl Jam at the time I lost my Mama
and my fathers favorites like Louie and the big band era over the years.

Another thing that has helped me so is tracing my ancestry, seeing my parents whole lives,
not just the time I had with them.
Gives a perspective of who they were not who I perceived them to be.
We are not only parents as we all know, we are so much more.

Mamasan23 · September 2012

I'm so so sorry for your loss Sam

samjam · September 2012

Thank you for the kind sentiments. I appreciate them more than you know. I totally thought that I'd want to be alone and completely isolate myself (at times, I do), but I've found having people around, talking through things and reading well-wishes to be a tremendous help so far.

Just found out he died of natural causes, which is a huge relief. He had major surgery last week and we thought his death could have possibly resulted from either complications or not taking care of himself properly after surgery. Between physical pain and emotional struggles, I am so glad he died in peace.

Trying to be strong for now. I come home from school tomorrow morning and I know it will be infinitely harder to see my sister and my aunt. Also have to gauge how my mom is feeling and react/help her accordingly...my parents divorced about 11 years ago and were definitely not friends in the years following. It must be a really strange time for her.

SVRDhand13 · September 2012

Sorry for your loss Sam. Just try to remember the good times you had with your dad. My mom lost her father at the age of 10 (about 40 years ago), and she still gets upset every once in a while. But she thinks back to the good times and learned to truly appreciate the other relationships in her life.

jeff2040 · September 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss. That's a tough thing to go through at such a young age.

Jeff

of.the.girl · September 2012

So sorry for your loss Sam. My heart goes out to you, as I know personally, how it is to lose a parent at such a young age.

Empty Glass · September 2012

I am sorry for your loss, my thoughts are with you

norm · September 2012

Im so sorry to hear about your dad, Sam...I wish I had some words or ideas that can help you at this time but I don't...be there for your family...when we lost my mom a couple years back, I was glad to be surrounded by my family

cubBEE_girl · September 2012

I'm so sorry for your loss.

DS1119 · September 2012

I am very sad for your loss. It's tough but it will get better as time passes.

RYEzupSF · September 2012

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss Sam. I hope you find comfort in the wonderful memories you have of him. My thoughts are with you.

mfc2006 · September 2012

So sorry to hear this news, Sam.

We also lost my Dad after a very short & intense battle with ALS. He passed away only 6 weeks after his diagnosis & he seemed to be doing a bit better with the treatment.

This was about 7 years ago & it still hurts. I know what you're going through..I truly do. If you need anything, please don't hesitate to let me know.

The best advice I can give you is to keep talking about him. Lean on friends & family....as much as you need to. Don't keep your thoughts & emotions bottled up. Again...so sorry to hear this. You & your family will be in our thoughts & prayers.

Matt

GivenToJam88 · September 2012

so sorry for your loss, thoughts and prayers go out to u and your family

Fifthelement · September 2012

My deepest condolences Sam. You are in my heart and thoughts.

(((((hugs)))))

Selena

Enkidu · September 2012

Very sorry to hear your news. I lost my dad suddenly when I was 22 and I was a daddy's girl. The first year was the hardest and then it got better. About six months after he died I talked to a therapist (I was in college at the time and got free health stuff) and that helped a lot.

Like other people here said, don't be afraid to talk to anybody about how you're feeling. It's okay to say "help me out, I need some love and kindness right now."

Remember the good times - I still read through letters my dad wrote to me and they give me such comfort.

Hang in there, we'll send good vibes and prayers your way.

Dealing with the loss of a parent....

Comments

Categories