Love: is it a choice or a feeling?

Hugh Freaking Dillon · January 2011

I believe it is a choice. I mean, some people believe that they are with their soulmate. Let me ask you this....if we have but one soulmate in all the world, what are the odds that they happen to be in the same bar in the same city in the same freaking neighbourhood on the same night as each other?

I love my wife dearly. We met as early teens and stayed friends up until we each were single in our mid 20's and ended up falling in love. We are married and have two wonderful daughters.

However, I am not going to sit here and say that we are soulmates. Had I not met her back on August of 1991, I'm sure she'd be just as happy with some other dude right now. I can guarantee their kids wouldn't be as cute, but I digress.

What am I getting at here? A good buddy of mine dropped a bombshell on his wife of 20 years a month ago, the day after her birthday no less. He was in love with another woman, and has been "hurting" and "lying" to his wife for a year, and he couldn't do it anymore. She was blindsided. I mean, out of all the couples I know, they are honestly one of the last couples I would have thought this would happen to. They were always happy together, always planning and socializing and having fun. BOOM. Over. He fell in love with his supervisor at work. He has two kids, pre-teen. She has four kids and a husband, who she is leaving. This is what pisses me off: the absolute selfishness of these two people to destroy the lives of 6 kids and two adults, and possibly more by ripple effect, for their own pleasure.

Have I ever been attracted to another woman? DAMN STRAIGHT. Many times. BUT: I made a promise, no, a VOW, to my wife, till death do us part. You know what that means? It means if you find yourself in a situation where you might be attracted physically or mentally or emotionally or all of those to a person other than your spouse, you avoid that person like the plague. You CHOOSE not to fall for them. You CHOOSE to stay with your family. You don't tear apart two families because of something that may or may not even be better than what you currently have. If there's abuse or something of that nature, then fine, leave. But don't leave because you wanted to trade up.

My parents are very loving (non-religious) people. They had hard times. But they got through it, because they believed in their vow to each other, and maybe more importantly, their responsibility to their children. Now there's 6 kids that are possibly totally fucked up because of this.

It's just really needless hurt.

AzWicker · January 2011

For me,the (my) definition of love changes as I grow older with my wife. I have been married for 20 years, since I was 21. How I loved my wife and how she loves me back in the 90s is much different in how we love each other today. Our love and definition of love has changed as needed and as we aged. Our needs changed and the ability to meet each others needs changes as well. This ability to adjust is basically our love. Its kinda weird how we went from lust bunnies, to insecure partners, to secure partners, to companions, etc. We have now become co-dependant, but in a good way. We know what our shortcomings are, we know what each other needs to feel valued and complete and worthy as a person...

Anyway, thats all I got, your post made me do a little reflection.

Thanks!

Was never a soulmate or a love at first site thing. I was attracted to her, but I didn't know her well enough to really love her until much later... It may start with a choice, but it is also a feeling

Hugh Freaking Dillon · January 2011

Actually, I'd almost say it's the reverse, that it starts as a feeling and ends up being a choice. That's the kicker, there was a girl I worked with recently. A LOT in common, she was hot as hell, it was obvious the attraction was mutual. What did I do? Did I leave my wife for her? No. I had a feeling and made the choice not to act on it.

I think too many people use the idea that the feeling negates the choice, which I disagree with. We always have a choice.

Glad to hear your experience is so similar to mine!

"Love is like a garden, if you want the flowers to keep coming back, you gotta keep turning that soil"

AzWicker wrote:

It may start with a choice, but it is also a feeling

morello · January 2011

I get what you're saying. In fact I think you've put on paper(so to speak) something I've been thinking for quite a while. I think it is a choice. I think you make the choice, make the decision to stay with someone, to make the relationship work, like you said not 'go there' with anyone else, or you make the decision/choice not to. Of course feelings are involved, perhaps you have to have an assortment of feelings for the decisions/choices to happen. I'm not interested in deciding which comes 1st, they completely inform each other.
So, yes, I think it's a decision to stay together & make it work, stick at it for the long haul I guess. For 2 people to coincide in this decision is the 'issue of course.

OHtheRitual · January 2011

In the end, I believe that everything happens for a reason..Even the bad and devastating shit..No matter what a person's choice is, it is what is supposed to be. I have always gone with my instincts, and they are usually pretty true to me..I guess I'll ride the wave where it takes me..

Pepe Silvia · January 2011

is it love, baby, yeah, or is it confuuuuuuuusion? :ugeek:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ud4whnvRkcI

i agree with everything you wrote paul david. if there's only one person in the entire world for me what are the odds that we would ever run into each other? i think people we have deep connections on that kind of a level are rare but not just one per person.

justam · January 2011

I agree with you Paul David. The worst part of this story is that there are six children and two other adults that will suffer because these two people couldn't keep their promises.

As humans we are built to be attracted to more than one person, once we get married and have children we are supposed to choose to leave the other possible mates out of the picture. That's what we agreed on when we went through the ceremony and the reason for this is that it's better for the entire group (the spouses and the children) if we do this.

I feel like you do, at some point it was a choice for these two people and they went with the hurtful choice instead of thinking of the small people they brought into the world and the spouses they agreed to protect.

he still stands · January 2011

Today I'm cynical, so it's just an emotion or feeling - no different from jealousy or hatred or whatever. Promising a feeling for eternity seems to be kinda naive. Unless it is family, and that type of love is a biological necessity; all mammals have that type of love for their family.

On my more optimistic days it is something more powerful.

pandora · January 2011

I think Love is both a choice and a feeling.

It's all in how you look at life and love... the path we are on.
I believe both life and love to be everlasting, that love is ours to keep.

There are many souls that are connected, that teach, share, love.
Some we share a moment with,
some a lifetime.
Some we never meet but who still touch us
and some we are connected to by the love of their music

This year we will be celebrating 30 years of marriage and yes, I do believe JB is my soulmate.
And I believe in miracles and the greatest miracle is Love.

dimitrispearljam · January 2011

i didnt have any fuckin choice from the moment i saw her smile and listen her laughter..

mysticweed · January 2011

love is an evolved chemical responce
the heart wants what the heart wants is true to a point
but it's the wiring in your brain that dictates who you do or don't fall in love with
of course, that's just how i see it

BinauralJam · January 2011

Not a Choice in my opinion, genetic predispostion.

No way i would have gone through all the shit i have for my wife by choice.

But maybe i'm just a sucker.

Hugh Freaking Dillon · January 2011

see, that I get dimi. I'm the same way with my wife. As I had mentioned, I think it starts out a feeling but ends up a choice. BUT, it is a choice to stray or not to stray.

The spark starts by nature but it is you who keeps the fire going.

dimitrispearljam wrote:

i didnt have any fuckin choice from the moment i saw her smile and listen her laughter..

dimitrispearljam · January 2011

Paul David wrote:

see, that I get dimi. I'm the same way with my wife. As I had mentioned, I think it starts out a feeling but ends up a choice. BUT, it is a choice to stray or not to stray.

The spark starts by nature but it is you who keeps the fire going.

dimitrispearljam wrote:

i didnt have any fuckin choice from the moment i saw her smile and listen her laughter..

i call to her company to confirm that the money i sent for a couple of cd i bought arrive,didnt have credit card back then..
she was the ones on sales..she didnt know much english.she was from spain.she start to laugh when i start to speak english fast..i start too...after a few month at barahas ,in madrid airport she was waiting for me in the exit..i saw her eyelook..we get out of her house after 4 days,our first date was a 22 days in the row one...
its a fuckin feeling...and i dont waste even a breath of it!!i smell it all...

iluvcats · January 2011

Paul David, I know you feel badly for your friend who dropped a bomb on her, the day after her birthday. I feel badly for her and I don't even know them. We don't know what their personal life was like, unless you were a fly on the bed room wall

I can only imagine that your friend began going to lunch or something with his supervisor, for example. He may have become attracted to her just during day to day work w/o lunch or happy hour involved. He could have quit his job. But he made a choice that they have to live with.

My father is happily married for the second time. They've been married over 40 years. However, he told me your feelings toward each other do change.

dr0ptheleash · January 2011

Paul David wrote:

I think too many people use the idea that the feeling negates the choice, which I disagree with. We always have a choice.

AzWicker wrote:

It may start with a choice, but it is also a feeling

There were so many things throughout this thread that I could have quoted. I don't know why this effected me so much. It's not like I know these people, it's not like I have a marriage or kids of my own to look after... but for some reason, this all really hit me. It's so realistic, and I think this talk about "choice vs. feeling" is exactly what I needed to hear. I feel lucky every day, second hand, I guess - lucky and blessed not only that my parents (who are 48) have been married for 31 years, but also because they are still in love. I feel for those families who are going to be so torn because of this. Thanks for sharing. Best of luck to everyone involved in this sad situation. And kudos to those who have the willpower and selflessness to say "no".

your move now · January 2011

Ok its all well and good to say that you choose not to stray etc etc and its sad that there's kids and all but isn't it better for someone to leave and break up the family than to stay out of obligation? That said if it had got to a point where this bloke felt the need to stray and couldn't or wouldn't resist then he should have left earlier rather than dragging it out.

pandora · January 2011

I didn't comment on the failed marriage I guess because it is more common than those who work to stay together... and it is work at times but if lasting, always a common goal.

Back in the early 90's when we were in our mid 30's we socialized often in a neighborhood that was very social..always planning. Of the 10 or so couples who would get together almost half were divorced before we left the neighborhood in 96 and now 15 years later it is JB and I and one other couple who are still together and one that has reunited after a long separation.
It takes two to make a marriage last. This alone is special, to find two people committed to
their vows with love based in a strong friendship and physical attraction.

The young married life is difficult with many temptations and strife. Raising children, immersed in career. For so many, one partner will give up or they will grow apart. There is also the natural highs and lows of relationships and love. It seems to me that the longer two are together the easier it gets.

In the case of this marriage of 20 years, my belief in a path gives me hope that
all those affected will grow and learn, although painful the final outcome will be a positive one,
one filled with lasting love.

Godfather. · January 2011

if it's only a choice then there are other situations in life that need to be reconsidered.

Godfather.

justam · January 2011

Godfather. wrote:

if it's only a choice then there are other situations in life that need to be reconsidered.

Godfather.

Please don't wreck this thread by turning it into "Is gayness a choice?" argument. We're not talking about which sex a person prefers and is naturally attracted to, we're talking about whether or not it's a choice to pursue every attraction and break up marriages.

markin ball · January 2011

A commitment is a choice. Love is an addiction.

Love: is it a choice or a feeling?

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