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Love: is it a choice or a feeling?

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  • your move nowyour move now Posts: 1,165
    if you are ina truly happy marriae then i don't think the issue is likely to arise. most people do not end their marriages on a whim
    I don't mean to offend anyone, a lot of what I say should be taken with a grain of salt... that said for most of you I'm a stranger on a computer on the other side of the world, don't give me that sort of power!
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    love isnt a choice.. but because of it sometimes hard choices have to be made. if love were a choice it would be rational and it isnt.
    hear my name
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  • stargirl69stargirl69 Posts: 6,387
    It is a feeling ... we can avoid the feeling but we can't stop the feeling from happening
    “There should be a place where only the things you want to happen, happen”
  • stargirl69stargirl69 Posts: 6,387
    edited January 2011
    It is a feeling ... we can avoid the feeling but we can't stop the feeling from happening


    Oops don't know why this posted twice :oops:
    Post edited by stargirl69 on
    “There should be a place where only the things you want to happen, happen”
  • Hugh Freaking DillonHugh Freaking Dillon Posts: 14,010
    well if it's not a choice then I guess it's not my buddy's fault that he destroyed his family and cheated on his wife.
    Gimli 1993
    Fargo 2003
    Winnipeg 2005
    Winnipeg 2011
    St. Paul 2014
  • stargirl69stargirl69 Posts: 6,387
    Paul David wrote:
    well if it's not a choice then I guess it's not my buddy's fault that he destroyed his family and cheated on his wife.

    No ... the FEELINGS are not a choice but WHAT HE CHOSE TO DO with those feelings was definitely a choice
    “There should be a place where only the things you want to happen, happen”
  • Hugh Freaking DillonHugh Freaking Dillon Posts: 14,010
    that's what I said earlier, so we agree then.
    stargirl69 wrote:
    Paul David wrote:
    well if it's not a choice then I guess it's not my buddy's fault that he destroyed his family and cheated on his wife.

    No ... the FEELINGS are not a choice but WHAT HE CHOSE TO DO with those feelings was definitely a choice
    Gimli 1993
    Fargo 2003
    Winnipeg 2005
    Winnipeg 2011
    St. Paul 2014
  • stargirl69stargirl69 Posts: 6,387
    Paul David wrote:
    that's what I said earlier, so we agree then.
    stargirl69 wrote:
    Paul David wrote:
    well if it's not a choice then I guess it's not my buddy's fault that he destroyed his family and cheated on his wife.

    No ... the FEELINGS are not a choice but WHAT HE CHOSE TO DO with those feelings was definitely a choice

    Absolutely agree :clap: ....
    we can always chose to do the right thing,it's just sad and terribly hurtful that the right thing for one is the wrong thing for another.
    I hope the situation your friends find themselves in sorts itself out.
    “There should be a place where only the things you want to happen, happen”
  • Paulina87Paulina87 Poland Posts: 3,303
    stargirl69 wrote:
    No ... the FEELINGS are not a choice but WHAT HE CHOSE TO DO with those feelings was definitely a choice

    I agree
    Chorzów 2007 - Berlin 2009 - Berlin 2010 - Gdynia 2010 - Berlin 2012 - Berlin 2012 - Stockholm 2012 - EV Manchester 2012 - Milan 2014 - Trieste 2014 - Vienna 2014 - Berlin 2014 - Gdynia 2014 - Rio 2018 - Sao Paulo 2018
  • unlost dogsunlost dogs Greater Boston Posts: 12,553
    Paulina87 wrote:
    stargirl69 wrote:
    No ... the FEELINGS are not a choice but WHAT HE CHOSE TO DO with those feelings was definitely a choice

    I agree

    Me too.

    Anyone can be tempted to do something due to feelings. And that includes initiating a relationship. That's a choice a person knowingly makes.
    15 years of sharks 06/30/08 (MA), 05/17/10 (Boston), 09/03/11 (Alpine Valley), 09/04/11 (Alpine Valley), 09/30/12 (Missoula), 07/19/13 (Wrigley), 10/15/13 (Worcester), 10/16/13 (Worcester), 10/25/13 (Hartford), 12/4/13 (Vancouver), 12/6/13 (Seattle), 6/26/14 (Berlin), 6/28/14 (Stockholm), 10/16/14 (Detroit)
  • LoulouLoulou Adelaide Posts: 6,247
    Awww, that's sad when that happens but there's really nothing you can do, it's his decision at the end of the day. I think alot of people mistake LUST for LOVE. I'm not sure I believe in soul mates and I think that there is probably many possible mates out there but you choose the one that fits you and makes you a better person. The one that has those similar traits and similar outlooks on life as you. My husband and I have been married for 2 years and together for nearly 12. I chose him because of all of those things above and many more. I had my daughter with him because I knew he would be the best possible father for my baby and I wanted a little creature of our own that we could instill those traits, values and outlooks into whilst watching her become the person she's going to be. As sad as it is Paul, maybe he chose wrong the first time or maybe she did? Or maybe as I said from the start, he had mistaken love for lust and one day it will dawn on him what he's done? Only time will tell......
    “ "Thank you Palestrina. It’s a wonderful evening, it’s great to be here and I wanna dedicate you a super sexy song." " (last words of Mark Sandman of Morphine)


    Adelaide 1998
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  • Hugh Freaking DillonHugh Freaking Dillon Posts: 14,010
    Loulou wrote:
    As sad as it is Paul, maybe he chose wrong the first time or maybe she did? Or maybe as I said from the start, he had mistaken love for lust and one day it will dawn on him what he's done? Only time will tell......

    both his wife and I think eventually he will see the light and realize what a mistake he's made. she thinks it all started with a tragic event in his life; his step-father's suicide. he changed after that apparently (I don't see them that often). He and his wife always seemed to bloody happy, and she echoed that sentiment. So either it "woke him up" so to speak and made him want to make some changes as we don't have much time in life, or it caused some sort of "fault" in his brain.

    Being in a happy marriage, I just can't imagine the pain of going through something like that, especially choosing to do so, to myself, my wife, and especially our kids. How awful.
    Gimli 1993
    Fargo 2003
    Winnipeg 2005
    Winnipeg 2011
    St. Paul 2014
  • LoulouLoulou Adelaide Posts: 6,247
    Yeah, very sad, poor kids. I feel for his wife too, probably thinking it was something she's done wrong. I bet you anything it's a lust thing though, I'm sure he'll come around but the damage has been done hey?? :?
    “ "Thank you Palestrina. It’s a wonderful evening, it’s great to be here and I wanna dedicate you a super sexy song." " (last words of Mark Sandman of Morphine)


    Adelaide 1998
    Adelaide 2003
    Adelaide 2006 night 1
    Adelaide 2006 night 2
    Adelaide 2009
    Melbourne 2009
    Christchurch NZ 2009
    Eddie Vedder, Adelaide 2011
    PJ20 USA 2011 night 1
    PJ20 USA 2011 night 2
    Adelaide BIG DAY OUT 2014
  • Hugh Freaking DillonHugh Freaking Dillon Posts: 14,010
    yeah, she's a pretty strong woman, so I'd doubt that she'd take him back after knowing he's been cheating for a year. but you never know.
    Loulou wrote:
    Yeah, very sad, poor kids. I feel for his wife too, probably thinking it was something she's done wrong. I bet you anything it's a lust thing though, I'm sure he'll come around but the damage has been done hey?? :?
    Gimli 1993
    Fargo 2003
    Winnipeg 2005
    Winnipeg 2011
    St. Paul 2014
  • LoulouLoulou Adelaide Posts: 6,247
    It just changes the whole relationship. I don't know if you can trust again after one of you not only leaves the relationship but the kids too. I really hope for a happy ending for your friends and it sounds like your lucky to have a great relationship with your own family, just like mine. ;)
    “ "Thank you Palestrina. It’s a wonderful evening, it’s great to be here and I wanna dedicate you a super sexy song." " (last words of Mark Sandman of Morphine)


    Adelaide 1998
    Adelaide 2003
    Adelaide 2006 night 1
    Adelaide 2006 night 2
    Adelaide 2009
    Melbourne 2009
    Christchurch NZ 2009
    Eddie Vedder, Adelaide 2011
    PJ20 USA 2011 night 1
    PJ20 USA 2011 night 2
    Adelaide BIG DAY OUT 2014
  • JeanwahJeanwah Posts: 6,363
    stargirl69 wrote:

    No ... the FEELINGS are not a choice but WHAT HE CHOSE TO DO with those feelings was definitely a choice

    I agree with this too. What hasn't been mentioned is the whole idea of monogamy and the possibility that it's not for everyone.
  • LoulouLoulou Adelaide Posts: 6,247
    That's fair enough if monogamy isn't for some but you don't have children and get married if it's not for you. Your making a sham out of something the other person believes is true and secure.
    “ "Thank you Palestrina. It’s a wonderful evening, it’s great to be here and I wanna dedicate you a super sexy song." " (last words of Mark Sandman of Morphine)


    Adelaide 1998
    Adelaide 2003
    Adelaide 2006 night 1
    Adelaide 2006 night 2
    Adelaide 2009
    Melbourne 2009
    Christchurch NZ 2009
    Eddie Vedder, Adelaide 2011
    PJ20 USA 2011 night 1
    PJ20 USA 2011 night 2
    Adelaide BIG DAY OUT 2014
  • JeanwahJeanwah Posts: 6,363
    Loulou wrote:
    That's fair enough if monogamy isn't for some but you don't have children and get married if it's not for you. Your making a sham out of something the other person believes is true and secure.
    yes, that's my point! Marriage isn't taken very seriously these days.
  • LoulouLoulou Adelaide Posts: 6,247
    No I don't think so either. Isn't it like, 50% stay together and the other 50% divorce?? :?
    “ "Thank you Palestrina. It’s a wonderful evening, it’s great to be here and I wanna dedicate you a super sexy song." " (last words of Mark Sandman of Morphine)


    Adelaide 1998
    Adelaide 2003
    Adelaide 2006 night 1
    Adelaide 2006 night 2
    Adelaide 2009
    Melbourne 2009
    Christchurch NZ 2009
    Eddie Vedder, Adelaide 2011
    PJ20 USA 2011 night 1
    PJ20 USA 2011 night 2
    Adelaide BIG DAY OUT 2014
  • nuffingmannuffingman Posts: 3,014
    Love is a feeling. We can all see someone from the opposite sex and think they're hot and feel a stirring but that's lust. When I met my wife I thought she was hot but my stomach did this strange flippity floppity thing. I've never fallen in love so fast.
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    Paul David wrote:
    yeah, she's a pretty strong woman, so I'd doubt that she'd take him back after knowing he's been cheating for a year. but you never know.

    theres a reason dante places the deceivers closer to the pit of his frozen hell than he does the murderers.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • wolfbearwolfbear Posts: 3,965
    pandora wrote:
    I think Love is both a choice and a feeling.

    It's all in how you look at life and love... the path we are on.
    I believe both life and love to be everlasting, that love is ours to keep.

    There are many souls that are connected, that teach, share, love.
    Some we share a moment with,
    some a lifetime.
    Some we never meet but who still touch us
    and some we are connected to by the love of their music ;)

    This year we will be celebrating 30 years of marriage and yes, I do believe JB is my soulmate.
    And I believe in miracles and the greatest miracle is Love.
    I knew I loved you guys! My Secret Santas! I so agree with you on everything you said. We've been together going on 35 years and I do believe Paul is my soul mate. But, it wasn't immediate for me at least. We started out as friends and it grew from there. A few rough times, but that is life after all, isn't it? The rough times came later and we knew we had to work through it....we knew we had to because we loved each other more than anyone else, if that makes sense. Just silly things got in the way. It just gets better and I can't imagine life without him. I know there can be more than one soul mate as I have witnessed it in my mother-in-law, but how lucky is that! Thanks again for the mug and other goodies! :) And, good luck to all you others seeking love....it's out there! :)
    "I'd rather be with an animal." "Those that can be trusted can change their mind." "The in between is mine." "If I don't lose control, explore and not explode, a preternatural other plane with the power to maintain." "Yeh this is living." "Life is what you make it."
  • guypjfreakguypjfreak Posts: 2,281
    marriage is some thing that you HAVE to work at . and kids aren't just for xmas if you know wot i mean and its always those who suffer :-x
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    guypjfreak wrote:
    marriage is some thing that you HAVE to work at . and kids aren't just for xmas if you know wot i mean and its always those who suffer :-x

    but kids dont always suffer from a parent split. i know that from experience.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • Black DiamondBlack Diamond Posts: 25,107
    catefrances wrote:
    guypjfreak wrote:
    marriage is some thing that you HAVE to work at . and kids aren't just for xmas if you know wot i mean and its always those who suffer :-x

    but kids dont always suffer from a parent split. i know that from experience.
    I agree but that's part of the choice too... What is best for the children... A divorce does not have to be from infidelity... It can be from feelings changing from love to not love or hate... And it's best for the parents not to be with each other....

    Making choices is important... But should not be made with blinders on....
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  • Sian-of-the-deadSian-of-the-dead Posts: 8,963
    I believe that love is a feeling you cannot help having, no one chooses to be compatible with another or to have that chemistry... However, I also believe it's an individual CHOICE to take their current relationship into their own hands if they CHOOSE to act upon these feelings and/or not work at what they already have.
    Been to this many PJ shows: Reading 2006 London 2007 Manchester & London 2009 Dublin, Belfast, London, Nijmegen & Berlin 2010 Manchester 1 & Manchester 2 2012...

    ... and I still think Drive-By Truckers are better.
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