Love: is it a choice or a feeling?
Hugh Freaking Dillon
Posts: 14,010
I believe it is a choice. I mean, some people believe that they are with their soulmate. Let me ask you this....if we have but one soulmate in all the world, what are the odds that they happen to be in the same bar in the same city in the same freaking neighbourhood on the same night as each other?
I love my wife dearly. We met as early teens and stayed friends up until we each were single in our mid 20's and ended up falling in love. We are married and have two wonderful daughters.
However, I am not going to sit here and say that we are soulmates. Had I not met her back on August of 1991, I'm sure she'd be just as happy with some other dude right now. I can guarantee their kids wouldn't be as cute, but I digress.
What am I getting at here? A good buddy of mine dropped a bombshell on his wife of 20 years a month ago, the day after her birthday no less. He was in love with another woman, and has been "hurting" and "lying" to his wife for a year, and he couldn't do it anymore. She was blindsided. I mean, out of all the couples I know, they are honestly one of the last couples I would have thought this would happen to. They were always happy together, always planning and socializing and having fun. BOOM. Over. He fell in love with his supervisor at work. He has two kids, pre-teen. She has four kids and a husband, who she is leaving. This is what pisses me off: the absolute selfishness of these two people to destroy the lives of 6 kids and two adults, and possibly more by ripple effect, for their own pleasure.
Have I ever been attracted to another woman? DAMN STRAIGHT. Many times. BUT: I made a promise, no, a VOW, to my wife, till death do us part. You know what that means? It means if you find yourself in a situation where you might be attracted physically or mentally or emotionally or all of those to a person other than your spouse, you avoid that person like the plague. You CHOOSE not to fall for them. You CHOOSE to stay with your family. You don't tear apart two families because of something that may or may not even be better than what you currently have. If there's abuse or something of that nature, then fine, leave. But don't leave because you wanted to trade up.
My parents are very loving (non-religious) people. They had hard times. But they got through it, because they believed in their vow to each other, and maybe more importantly, their responsibility to their children. Now there's 6 kids that are possibly totally fucked up because of this.
It's just really needless hurt.
I love my wife dearly. We met as early teens and stayed friends up until we each were single in our mid 20's and ended up falling in love. We are married and have two wonderful daughters.
However, I am not going to sit here and say that we are soulmates. Had I not met her back on August of 1991, I'm sure she'd be just as happy with some other dude right now. I can guarantee their kids wouldn't be as cute, but I digress.
What am I getting at here? A good buddy of mine dropped a bombshell on his wife of 20 years a month ago, the day after her birthday no less. He was in love with another woman, and has been "hurting" and "lying" to his wife for a year, and he couldn't do it anymore. She was blindsided. I mean, out of all the couples I know, they are honestly one of the last couples I would have thought this would happen to. They were always happy together, always planning and socializing and having fun. BOOM. Over. He fell in love with his supervisor at work. He has two kids, pre-teen. She has four kids and a husband, who she is leaving. This is what pisses me off: the absolute selfishness of these two people to destroy the lives of 6 kids and two adults, and possibly more by ripple effect, for their own pleasure.
Have I ever been attracted to another woman? DAMN STRAIGHT. Many times. BUT: I made a promise, no, a VOW, to my wife, till death do us part. You know what that means? It means if you find yourself in a situation where you might be attracted physically or mentally or emotionally or all of those to a person other than your spouse, you avoid that person like the plague. You CHOOSE not to fall for them. You CHOOSE to stay with your family. You don't tear apart two families because of something that may or may not even be better than what you currently have. If there's abuse or something of that nature, then fine, leave. But don't leave because you wanted to trade up.
My parents are very loving (non-religious) people. They had hard times. But they got through it, because they believed in their vow to each other, and maybe more importantly, their responsibility to their children. Now there's 6 kids that are possibly totally fucked up because of this.
It's just really needless hurt.
Gimli 1993
Fargo 2003
Winnipeg 2005
Winnipeg 2011
St. Paul 2014
Fargo 2003
Winnipeg 2005
Winnipeg 2011
St. Paul 2014
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Anyway, thats all I got, your post made me do a little reflection.
Thanks!
Was never a soulmate or a love at first site thing. I was attracted to her, but I didn't know her well enough to really love her until much later... It may start with a choice, but it is also a feeling
PJ: 2011-09-03 2011-09-04
I think too many people use the idea that the feeling negates the choice, which I disagree with. We always have a choice.
Glad to hear your experience is so similar to mine!
"Love is like a garden, if you want the flowers to keep coming back, you gotta keep turning that soil"
Fargo 2003
Winnipeg 2005
Winnipeg 2011
St. Paul 2014
So, yes, I think it's a decision to stay together & make it work, stick at it for the long haul I guess. For 2 people to coincide in this decision is the 'issue of course.
PJ - Auckland 2009; Alpine Valley1&2 2011; Man1, Am'dam1&2, Berlin1&2, Stockholm, Oslo & Copenhagen 2012; LA, Oakland, Portland, Spokane, Calgary, Vancouver, Seattle 2013; Auckland 2014, Auckland1&2 2024
EV - Canberra, Newcastle & Sydney 1&2 2011
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ud4whnvRkcI
i agree with everything you wrote paul david. if there's only one person in the entire world for me what are the odds that we would ever run into each other? i think people we have deep connections on that kind of a level are rare but not just one per person.
what are you but my reflection? who am i to judge or strike you down?
"I will promise you this, that if we have not gotten our troops out by the time I am president, it is the first thing I will do. I will get our troops home. We will bring an end to this war. You can take that to the bank." - Barack Obama
when you told me 'if you can't beat 'em, join 'em'
i was thinkin 'death before dishonor'
As humans we are built to be attracted to more than one person, once we get married and have children we are supposed to choose to leave the other possible mates out of the picture. That's what we agreed on when we went through the ceremony and the reason for this is that it's better for the entire group (the spouses and the children) if we do this.
I feel like you do, at some point it was a choice for these two people and they went with the hurtful choice instead of thinking of the small people they brought into the world and the spouses they agreed to protect.
On my more optimistic days it is something more powerful.
It's all in how you look at life and love... the path we are on.
I believe both life and love to be everlasting, that love is ours to keep.
There are many souls that are connected, that teach, share, love.
Some we share a moment with,
some a lifetime.
Some we never meet but who still touch us
and some we are connected to by the love of their music
This year we will be celebrating 30 years of marriage and yes, I do believe JB is my soulmate.
And I believe in miracles and the greatest miracle is Love.
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
the heart wants what the heart wants is true to a point
but it's the wiring in your brain that dictates who you do or don't fall in love with
of course, that's just how i see it
"what a long, strange trip it's been"
No way i would have gone through all the shit i have for my wife by choice.
But maybe i'm just a sucker.
The spark starts by nature but it is you who keeps the fire going.
Fargo 2003
Winnipeg 2005
Winnipeg 2011
St. Paul 2014
she was the ones on sales..she didnt know much english.she was from spain.she start to laugh when i start to speak english fast..i start too...after a few month at barahas ,in madrid airport she was waiting for me in the exit..i saw her eyelook..we get out of her house after 4 days,our first date was a 22 days in the row one...
its a fuckin feeling...and i dont waste even a breath of it!!i smell it all...
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
I can only imagine that your friend began going to lunch or something with his supervisor, for example. He may have become attracted to her just during day to day work w/o lunch or happy hour involved. He could have quit his job. But he made a choice that they have to live with.
My father is happily married for the second time. They've been married over 40 years. However, he told me your feelings toward each other do change.
8/08 - Ed solo in DC, 6/09 Ed in B'more,
10/10 - Brad in B'more
There were so many things throughout this thread that I could have quoted. I don't know why this effected me so much. It's not like I know these people, it's not like I have a marriage or kids of my own to look after... but for some reason, this all really hit me. It's so realistic, and I think this talk about "choice vs. feeling" is exactly what I needed to hear. I feel lucky every day, second hand, I guess - lucky and blessed not only that my parents (who are 48) have been married for 31 years, but also because they are still in love. I feel for those families who are going to be so torn because of this. Thanks for sharing. Best of luck to everyone involved in this sad situation. And kudos to those who have the willpower and selflessness to say "no".
Back in the early 90's when we were in our mid 30's we socialized often in a neighborhood that was very social..always planning. Of the 10 or so couples who would get together almost half were divorced before we left the neighborhood in 96 and now 15 years later it is JB and I and one other couple who are still together and one that has reunited after a long separation.
It takes two to make a marriage last. This alone is special, to find two people committed to
their vows with love based in a strong friendship and physical attraction.
The young married life is difficult with many temptations and strife. Raising children, immersed in career. For so many, one partner will give up or they will grow apart. There is also the natural highs and lows of relationships and love. It seems to me that the longer two are together the easier it gets.
In the case of this marriage of 20 years, my belief in a path gives me hope that
all those affected will grow and learn, although painful the final outcome will be a positive one,
one filled with lasting love.
Godfather.
Please don't wreck this thread by turning it into "Is gayness a choice?" argument. We're not talking about which sex a person prefers and is naturally attracted to, we're talking about whether or not it's a choice to pursue every attraction and break up marriages.
"With our thoughts we make the world"
Fargo 2003
Winnipeg 2005
Winnipeg 2011
St. Paul 2014
In saying this, check out David Hawkins Map of Consciousness (google image), it explains it a lot better, I can't link it as I was asked to remove a similar post I made with a link to it by his publicist. It was originally included in his book Power Vs. Force, which is a great book that explains it all. I'll try to do a little summary. Every person's state of consciousness can be attributed to one level that is rooted deep in their beliefs / soul / whatever we call it and the levels go from 0 - 1,000 (see below) It is possible to change through different thinking but it is very rare that any of us can change our root beliefs. I think he said that only 0.04% of the worlds population was at the level of Love or higher when he wrote that book. It's possible that it is higher than that as human consciousness is evolving daily as knowledge increases. Hawkins has used kinesiology, muscle testing, to find exact numbers and data that only the subconscious mind knows, the subconscious has no ego and is a direct link the God.
Level - Scale
(Power)
Enlightenment - 1,000 (Avatars like Jesus, Buddha, etc. are at this level)
Peace - 600
Joy - 540
Love - 500
Reason - 400 (Edison, Einstein and other inventors were at 499 as that is the mind of brilliant people but still don't understand love)
Acceptance - 350
Willingness - 310
Neutrality - 250
Courage - 200
(Only recently has the human race as a whole has raised above the 200 level)
(Force)
Pride-175
Anger-150
Desire-125
Fear-100
Grief-75
Apathy-50
Guilt-30 (Hitler was at this level)
Shame-20
As for the twin souls does this suggest that if my "other half" or "soulmate" or whatever is somewhere on the other side of the world or died in a freak accident or something that I am less complete than those who have met that person? Its ridiculous
The poison from the poison stream caught up to you ELEVEN years ago and you floated out of here. Sept. 14, 08
8/08 - Ed solo in DC, 6/09 Ed in B'more,
10/10 - Brad in B'more
The scale certainly doesn't give us much credit does it? I think it seems quite negative.
I get that the very intelligent don't understand love though, they are thinking way too much.
It might be hard to forget the science, impossible for some.
I see the bottom half of the scale is living a life for "me" situation and the top half living your life for others.
Where is empathy on this scale?
It is the key to Unconditional love, acceptance, peace, joy, and forgiveness.
Each of these bring enlightenment and the spirit grows.
Living the golden rule and walking a mile in another's shoes opens the door for love.
Real love without personal gratification.
we have 2 great kids 23 /20 we started young
i often look at my mates into one relationship then another WHY :? :?
me and the wife aren't special we work at it i liked wot AzWicker said things [love] changes through the years .
2 rules i try to stick to ..never go to bed on an argument
and always tell her shes right
I think attraction is a feeling. Then you choose to love the person or not.
Fargo 2003
Winnipeg 2005
Winnipeg 2011
St. Paul 2014