Expressing condolences question

chiquimonkey · August 2010

Someone I konw told me her daughter was assaulted Friday night. I feel sick to my stomach for her, and she used to work with me in my office when she was younger. I want to do something for her but not sure what. I thought perhaps sending flowers but is that okay in this sort of situation, just because it's of a more delicate nature? I just want to do something, you know?

Any advice is appreciated!

RKCNDY · August 2010

I suppose it depends on the assault, beaten up/mugged, I guess just ask if there is anything you can do for them, hope they will be okay. Rape would be totally different, let her know if she needs anybody to talk to, you'll lend an ear?
It would be really important to let the victim know that there are people that will listen to them if they need to talk, but don't push it, she may be really embarrassed.

Kilgore_Trout · August 2010

yeah, any kind of sexual assault is especially hard to deal with as an outsider... its can be awkward for the victim to know that other people know about it so you have to be careful... i know i had a hard time when it happened to a friend of a friend... felt terrible for her and she's been a little off ever since, but i just decided it was better to not say anything... just be a friend and they will hopefully open up if they feel the need to

its terrible the lasting rippling effects of these crimes

good luck!

Who Princess · August 2010

I don't think I'd send flowers. Just a brief note that says how you feel: I feel terrible about what happened to you, I'm thinking about you, I'm so upset for you that I hardly know what to say, I wish I could help. I'd keep it simple but caring.

chiquimonkey · August 2010

Thanks guys. Yeah she was sexually assaulted so it is a very delicate situation for sure.

On my way home I was thinking maybe a card would be the way to go. Flowers didn't feel appropriate, but just wanted to show that I was thinking of her (my sister knows her too so it'd come from both of us).

Who Princess · August 2010

chiquimonkey wrote:

Thanks guys. Yeah she was sexually assaulted so it is a very delicate situation for sure.

On my way home I was thinking maybe a card would be the way to go. Flowers didn't feel appropriate, but just wanted to show that I was thinking of her (my sister knows her too so it'd come from both of us).

I think it would be tough to find a printed card that conveyed the right sentiment. Just write her a note on a blank card. She may be questioning everything that she did when it happened, she may be frightened, she may be angry. Just let her know you and your sister care about her.

This is a good thing that you're doing for her during a really tough time.

chadwick · August 2010

food?
cookies?

small town beck · August 2010

I agree with whoprincess.

Such a sad situation. I hope she gets through this okay. You are a good egg, chiqui.

chiquimonkey · August 2010

whoprincess wrote:

chiquimonkey wrote:

Thanks guys. Yeah she was sexually assaulted so it is a very delicate situation for sure.

On my way home I was thinking maybe a card would be the way to go. Flowers didn't feel appropriate, but just wanted to show that I was thinking of her (my sister knows her too so it'd come from both of us).

I think it would be tough to find a printed card that conveyed the right sentiment. Just write her a note on a blank card. She may be questioning everything that she did when it happened, she may be frightened, she may be angry. Just let her know you and your sister care about her.

This is a good thing that you're doing for her during a really tough time.

Thanks so much, I needed to hear some wisdom like this. That's definitely the way I'm gonna go. That and letting her mom know we're here to help any way we can I hope will give some comfort. My heart just breaks for them. Poor girl has to take anti-HIV treatment and meds for potential STDs since they didn't catch the guy

chiquimonkey · August 2010

Chad yeah I was thinking of bringing some food over, but I didn't want to intrude. I'll see how her mom is doing tomorrow and maybe bring something in to give her to take home.

small town beck wrote:

I agree with whoprincess.

Such a sad situation. I hope she gets through this okay. You are a good egg, chiqui.

Thanks dear, I hope she does too. They are a really wonderful family, it so sad to see good people like this get messed up like that.

chadwick · August 2010

chiquimonkey wrote:

Chad yeah I was thinking of bringing some food over, but I didn't want to intrude. I'll see how her mom is doing tomorrow and maybe bring something in to give her to take home.

small town beck wrote:

I agree with whoprincess.

Such a sad situation. I hope she gets through this okay. You are a good egg, chiqui.

Thanks dear, I hope she does too. They are a really wonderful family, it so sad to see good people like this get messed up like that.

you know what?
during tough times no one wants to cook.
go do some investigating, see what's up.
food rules.

funerals for example.
everybody offers food.
it's very amazing and something to be grateful for.
in my experiences anyway.

Given to... · August 2010

Just a note and possibly a nice piece of jewelry; a necklace with semiprecious stones, colorful, that can be worn inside or outside of her shirt/blouse. One that is full of colors that naturally brings the mood up. I'm having a hard time explaining, and I'm a guy, so I might be way off, but having something pretty around her neck may really make her feel better and not "dirty" as some victims are prone to.

fife · August 2010

Just be there. if she was sexually assaulted the feeling of distrust of people is usually very strong. nothing you can buy or make will bring that back.

just my 2cents

Jo · August 2010

Do the cooking. Do a big cook-up and put meals to her fridge. And maybe a bit of shopping like toilet paper, dog food and fruit.
The People involved in this situation are not thinking about these things but it needs to be available.

It is a way to be very helpful but not intrusive during this time.

chadwick · August 2010

Jo wrote:

Do the cooking. Do a big cook-up and put meals to her fridge. And maybe a bit of shopping like toilet paper, dog food and fruit.
The People involved in this situation are not thinking about these things but it needs to be available.

It is a way to be very helpful but not intrusive during this time.

you and me are smart and very kind

pandora · August 2010

chiquimonkey wrote:

Someone I konw told me her daughter was assaulted Friday night. I feel sick to my stomach for her, and she used to work with me in my office when she was younger. I want to do something for her but not sure what. I thought perhaps sending flowers but is that okay in this sort of situation, just because it's of a more delicate nature? I just want to do something, you know?

Any advice is appreciated!

I think I would at the moment concentrate on her mother. This situation is extremely personal and the victim may not want to be confronted about it in anyway except those she is extremely close too and maybe not even then. Her Mama is hurting beyond words, send her a card with inspiration, let her know you are there for her too and in time you can reach out to the young woman. Best thing we can do is put ourselves in that position, how we would feel, let that be a guide. I myself would want to be left alone but time will heal.

Who Princess · August 2010

pandora wrote:

I think I would at the moment concentrate on her mother. This situation is extremely personal and the victim may not want to be confronted about it in anyway except those she is extremely close too and maybe not even then. Her Mama is hurting beyond words, send her a card with inspiration, let her know you are there for her too and in time you can reach out to the young woman. Best thing we can do is put ourselves in that position, how we would feel, let that be a guide. I myself would want to be left alone but time will heal.

While her mother is hurting deeply and it's true that the everyone who cares about this young woman has been victimized, it is she who has been physically violated. Reach out to the whole family if you feel best about that but I would not make a gesture to the mother while ignoring her daughter. To me, that says to the young woman that you care more about her mother's pain than her own. She may or may not want to be left alone. Everyone responds differently.

It's been many, many years but I was a rape crisis volunteer for 4 years. We were given extensive training and we were told regularly that we were there for the victim. We might provide support and information for the family but it was just as likely that we'd be shielding the victim from the family's hurt and anger. Of course, this was occurring at the hospital immediately after the assault, but my perspective is still that the person who needs support the most right now is the victim. If she wants to be left alone, she'll make that known. It's also possible she will respond to someone outside her family. The people who love her the most may be in too much pain to give her the support she needs.

It's a terrible situation but I think any way that you reach out to this young woman, Chiqui, will be a valued gesture, even if she doesn't respond to you now (or ever).

Heineken Helen · August 2010

Jo wrote:

Do the cooking. Do a big cook-up and put meals to her fridge. And maybe a bit of shopping like toilet paper, dog food and fruit.
The People involved in this situation are not thinking about these things but it needs to be available.

It is a way to be very helpful but not intrusive during this time.

Yip, food was the first thing that came into my head too

food... or maybe some nice dvd's or something like that.

someone I know was raped a couple of years back but I did nothing as I only found out through friends and didn't want to let her know that people knew. I chatted to her on facebook about random things if she was down. I heard she got plenty of flowers and stuff like that.

Sorry to hear this Chiqui... it's a sickening thing!

justam · August 2010

chiqui, I don't see how you could go wrong by sending flowers and a nice note.

pandora · August 2010

whoprincess wrote:

pandora wrote:

I think I would at the moment concentrate on her mother. This situation is extremely personal and the victim may not want to be confronted about it in anyway except those she is extremely close too and maybe not even then. Her Mama is hurting beyond words, send her a card with inspiration, let her know you are there for her too and in time you can reach out to the young woman. Best thing we can do is put ourselves in that position, how we would feel, let that be a guide. I myself would want to be left alone but time will heal.

While her mother is hurting deeply and it's true that the everyone who cares about this young woman has been victimized, it is she who has been physically violated. Reach out to the whole family if you feel best about that but I would not make a gesture to the mother while ignoring her daughter. To me, that says to the young woman that you care more about her mother's pain than her own. She may or may not want to be left alone. Everyone responds differently.

It's been many, many years but I was a rape crisis volunteer for 4 years. We were given extensive training and we were told regularly that we were there for the victim. We might provide support and information for the family but it was just as likely that we'd be shielding the victim from the family's hurt and anger. Of course, this was occurring at the hospital immediately after the assault, but my perspective is still that the person who needs support the most right now is the victim. If she wants to be left alone, she'll make that known. It's also possible she will respond to someone outside her family. The people who love her the most may be in too much pain to give her the support she needs.

It's a terrible situation but I think any way that you reach out to this young woman, Chiqui, will be a valued gesture, even if she doesn't respond to you now (or ever).

I may be a bit confused but is the OP close to the victim? If not I would think that would be overstepping. In fact if it were me, and my mother shared personal info I might not have, I would be upset. The less people knowing and confronting would be better. Like I said maybe I am confused as to how close the relationships are. If it were my daughter I would not have told a soul, I would let her do the telling.

Ms. Haiku · August 2010

I was a crisis line counselor for surviviors of sexual assault and domestic violence for many years and one of the calls I remember the most is from a mother. Who else can she talk to about how horrifying it is that someone was cruel, evil, and violent towards her baby, and she doesn't know what to do. It's good that you were a ear for her, and that is very important.

Expressing condolences question

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