Expressing condolences question

chiquimonkey

Someone I konw told me her daughter was assaulted Friday night. I feel sick to my stomach for her, and she used to work with me in my office when she was younger. I want to do something for her but not sure what. I thought perhaps sending flowers but is that okay in this sort of situation, just because it's of a more delicate nature? I just want to do something, you know?

Any advice is appreciated!

RKCNDY

I suppose it depends on the assault, beaten up/mugged, I guess just ask if there is anything you can do for them, hope they will be okay. Rape would be totally different, let her know if she needs anybody to talk to, you'll lend an ear?
It would be really important to let the victim know that there are people that will listen to them if they need to talk, but don't push it, she may be really embarrassed.

Kilgore_Trout

yeah, any kind of sexual assault is especially hard to deal with as an outsider... its can be awkward for the victim to know that other people know about it so you have to be careful... i know i had a hard time when it happened to a friend of a friend... felt terrible for her and she's been a little off ever since, but i just decided it was better to not say anything... just be a friend and they will hopefully open up if they feel the need to

its terrible the lasting rippling effects of these crimes :(

good luck!

Who Princess

I don't think I'd send flowers. Just a brief note that says how you feel: I feel terrible about what happened to you, I'm thinking about you, I'm so upset for you that I hardly know what to say, I wish I could help. I'd keep it simple but caring.

chiquimonkey

Thanks guys. Yeah she was sexually assaulted so it is a very delicate situation for sure.

On my way home I was thinking maybe a card would be the way to go. Flowers didn't feel appropriate, but just wanted to show that I was thinking of her (my sister knows her too so it'd come from both of us).

Who Princess

chiquimonkey wrote:

Thanks guys. Yeah she was sexually assaulted so it is a very delicate situation for sure.

On my way home I was thinking maybe a card would be the way to go. Flowers didn't feel appropriate, but just wanted to show that I was thinking of her (my sister knows her too so it'd come from both of us).

I think it would be tough to find a printed card that conveyed the right sentiment. Just write her a note on a blank card. She may be questioning everything that she did when it happened, she may be frightened, she may be angry. Just let her know you and your sister care about her.

This is a good thing that you're doing for her during a really tough time.

chadwick

food?
cookies?

small town beck

I agree with whoprincess.

Such a sad situation. I hope she gets through this okay. You are a good egg, chiqui.

chiquimonkey

whoprincess wrote:

chiquimonkey wrote:

Thanks guys. Yeah she was sexually assaulted so it is a very delicate situation for sure.

On my way home I was thinking maybe a card would be the way to go. Flowers didn't feel appropriate, but just wanted to show that I was thinking of her (my sister knows her too so it'd come from both of us).

I think it would be tough to find a printed card that conveyed the right sentiment. Just write her a note on a blank card. She may be questioning everything that she did when it happened, she may be frightened, she may be angry. Just let her know you and your sister care about her.

This is a good thing that you're doing for her during a really tough time.

Thanks so much, I needed to hear some wisdom like this. That's definitely the way I'm gonna go. That and letting her mom know we're here to help any way we can I hope will give some comfort. My heart just breaks for them. Poor girl has to take anti-HIV treatment and meds for potential STDs since they didn't catch the guy :(

chiquimonkey

Chad yeah I was thinking of bringing some food over, but I didn't want to intrude. I'll see how her mom is doing tomorrow and maybe bring something in to give her to take home.

small town beck wrote:

I agree with whoprincess.

Such a sad situation. I hope she gets through this okay. You are a good egg, chiqui.

Thanks dear, I hope she does too. They are a really wonderful family, it so sad to see good people like this get messed up like that.

chadwick

chiquimonkey wrote:

Chad yeah I was thinking of bringing some food over, but I didn't want to intrude. I'll see how her mom is doing tomorrow and maybe bring something in to give her to take home.

small town beck wrote:

I agree with whoprincess.

Such a sad situation. I hope she gets through this okay. You are a good egg, chiqui.

Thanks dear, I hope she does too. They are a really wonderful family, it so sad to see good people like this get messed up like that.

you know what?
during tough times no one wants to cook.
go do some investigating, see what's up.
food rules.

funerals for example.
everybody offers food.
it's very amazing and something to be grateful for.
in my experiences anyway.

Given to...

Just a note and possibly a nice piece of jewelry; a necklace with semiprecious stones, colorful, that can be worn inside or outside of her shirt/blouse. One that is full of colors that naturally brings the mood up. I'm having a hard time explaining, and I'm a guy, so I might be way off, but having something pretty around her neck may really make her feel better and not "dirty" as some victims are prone to.

fife

Just be there. if she was sexually assaulted the feeling of distrust of people is usually very strong. nothing you can buy or make will bring that back.

just my 2cents

Jo

Do the cooking. Do a big cook-up and put meals to her fridge. And maybe a bit of shopping like toilet paper, dog food and fruit.
The People involved in this situation are not thinking about these things but it needs to be available.

It is a way to be very helpful but not intrusive during this time.

chadwick

Jo wrote:

Do the cooking. Do a big cook-up and put meals to her fridge. And maybe a bit of shopping like toilet paper, dog food and fruit.
The People involved in this situation are not thinking about these things but it needs to be available.

It is a way to be very helpful but not intrusive during this time.

you and me are smart and very kind

pandora

chiquimonkey wrote:

Someone I konw told me her daughter was assaulted Friday night. I feel sick to my stomach for her, and she used to work with me in my office when she was younger. I want to do something for her but not sure what. I thought perhaps sending flowers but is that okay in this sort of situation, just because it's of a more delicate nature? I just want to do something, you know?

Any advice is appreciated!

I think I would at the moment concentrate on her mother. This situation is extremely personal and the victim may not want to be confronted about it in anyway except those she is extremely close too and maybe not even then. Her Mama is hurting beyond words, send her a card with inspiration, let her know you are there for her too and in time you can reach out to the young woman. Best thing we can do is put ourselves in that position, how we would feel, let that be a guide. I myself would want to be left alone but time will heal.

Who Princess

pandora wrote:

I think I would at the moment concentrate on her mother. This situation is extremely personal and the victim may not want to be confronted about it in anyway except those she is extremely close too and maybe not even then. Her Mama is hurting beyond words, send her a card with inspiration, let her know you are there for her too and in time you can reach out to the young woman. Best thing we can do is put ourselves in that position, how we would feel, let that be a guide. I myself would want to be left alone but time will heal.

While her mother is hurting deeply and it's true that the everyone who cares about this young woman has been victimized, it is she who has been physically violated. Reach out to the whole family if you feel best about that but I would not make a gesture to the mother while ignoring her daughter. To me, that says to the young woman that you care more about her mother's pain than her own. She may or may not want to be left alone. Everyone responds differently.

It's been many, many years but I was a rape crisis volunteer for 4 years. We were given extensive training and we were told regularly that we were there for the victim. We might provide support and information for the family but it was just as likely that we'd be shielding the victim from the family's hurt and anger. Of course, this was occurring at the hospital immediately after the assault, but my perspective is still that the person who needs support the most right now is the victim. If she wants to be left alone, she'll make that known. It's also possible she will respond to someone outside her family. The people who love her the most may be in too much pain to give her the support she needs.

It's a terrible situation but I think any way that you reach out to this young woman, Chiqui, will be a valued gesture, even if she doesn't respond to you now (or ever).

Heineken Helen

Jo wrote:

Do the cooking. Do a big cook-up and put meals to her fridge. And maybe a bit of shopping like toilet paper, dog food and fruit.
The People involved in this situation are not thinking about these things but it needs to be available.

It is a way to be very helpful but not intrusive during this time.

Yip, food was the first thing that came into my head too food... or maybe some nice dvd's or something like that.

someone I know was raped a couple of years back but I did nothing as I only found out through friends and didn't want to let her know that people knew. I chatted to her on facebook about random things if she was down. I heard she got plenty of flowers and stuff like that.

Sorry to hear this Chiqui... it's a sickening thing!

justam

chiqui, I don't see how you could go wrong by sending flowers and a nice note.

pandora

whoprincess wrote:

pandora wrote:

I think I would at the moment concentrate on her mother. This situation is extremely personal and the victim may not want to be confronted about it in anyway except those she is extremely close too and maybe not even then. Her Mama is hurting beyond words, send her a card with inspiration, let her know you are there for her too and in time you can reach out to the young woman. Best thing we can do is put ourselves in that position, how we would feel, let that be a guide. I myself would want to be left alone but time will heal.

While her mother is hurting deeply and it's true that the everyone who cares about this young woman has been victimized, it is she who has been physically violated. Reach out to the whole family if you feel best about that but I would not make a gesture to the mother while ignoring her daughter. To me, that says to the young woman that you care more about her mother's pain than her own. She may or may not want to be left alone. Everyone responds differently.

It's been many, many years but I was a rape crisis volunteer for 4 years. We were given extensive training and we were told regularly that we were there for the victim. We might provide support and information for the family but it was just as likely that we'd be shielding the victim from the family's hurt and anger. Of course, this was occurring at the hospital immediately after the assault, but my perspective is still that the person who needs support the most right now is the victim. If she wants to be left alone, she'll make that known. It's also possible she will respond to someone outside her family. The people who love her the most may be in too much pain to give her the support she needs.

It's a terrible situation but I think any way that you reach out to this young woman, Chiqui, will be a valued gesture, even if she doesn't respond to you now (or ever).

I may be a bit confused but is the OP close to the victim? If not I would think that would be overstepping. In fact if it were me, and my mother shared personal info I might not have, I would be upset. The less people knowing and confronting would be better. Like I said maybe I am confused as to how close the relationships are. If it were my daughter I would not have told a soul, I would let her do the telling.

Ms. Haiku

I was a crisis line counselor for surviviors of sexual assault and domestic violence for many years and one of the calls I remember the most is from a mother. Who else can she talk to about how horrifying it is that someone was cruel, evil, and violent towards her baby, and she doesn't know what to do. It's good that you were a ear for her, and that is very important.

Who Princess

pandora wrote:

I may be a bit confused but is the OP close to the victim? If not I would think that would be overstepping. In fact if it were me, and my mother shared personal info I might not have, I would be upset. The less people knowing and confronting would be better. Like I said maybe I am confused as to how close the relationships are. If it were my daughter I would not have told a soul, I would let her do the telling.

It was my understanding that Chiqui used to work with the daughter. I agree, it should be up to the daughter to disclose the information but I'm assuming that she is aware that her mother has shared it. I don't see expressing concern as confronting her.

pandora

whoprincess wrote:

pandora wrote:

I may be a bit confused but is the OP close to the victim? If not I would think that would be overstepping. In fact if it were me, and my mother shared personal info I might not have, I would be upset. The less people knowing and confronting would be better. Like I said maybe I am confused as to how close the relationships are. If it were my daughter I would not have told a soul, I would let her do the telling.

It was my understanding that Chiqui used to work with the daughter. I agree, it should be up to the daughter to disclose the information but I'm assuming that she is aware that her mother has shared it. I don't see expressing concern as confronting her.

I think you knew what I meant, wrong choice of word. With you having been a counselor you know what this young women is going through. Expressing concern is very appropriate for those very close to the victim. This is a private situation for only those closest and dearest family and friends. Her healing will come from within as you know anyways.

Who Princess

pandora wrote:

whoprincess wrote:

pandora wrote:

I may be a bit confused but is the OP close to the victim? If not I would think that would be overstepping. In fact if it were me, and my mother shared personal info I might not have, I would be upset. The less people knowing and confronting would be better. Like I said maybe I am confused as to how close the relationships are. If it were my daughter I would not have told a soul, I would let her do the telling.

It was my understanding that Chiqui used to work with the daughter. I agree, it should be up to the daughter to disclose the information but I'm assuming that she is aware that her mother has shared it. I don't see expressing concern as confronting her.

I think you knew what I meant, wrong choice of word. With you having been a counselor you know what this young women is going through. Expressing concern is very appropriate for those very close to the victim. This is a private situation for only those closest and dearest family and friends. Her healing will come from within as you know anyways.

That was a bit harsh of me, I apologize.
Her healing may come from within or she may ultimately seek the help of a counselor. Without knowing her I can't say. I agree with you that the decision to share what happened to her needs to be her choice. I was assuming she knew her mother had told a friend.

Even though most victims don't tell others (sometimes no one at all!), I have very mixed feelings about encouraging someone to be completely private. It isn't something you should share with everybody you meet but not telling others adds to the whole sense of shame that's associated with rape. I would want to do whatever I could to let her know she has nothing to be ashamed of. She survived! She made the right choices and did the right things.

Because it's something so deeply personal and violating, there may be aspects that she won't be comfortable sharing with her mother, no matter how close they may be. It's important that she knows that there are other caring people who will listen and be nonjudgmental.

She may not even realize how others are supporting her. I never had a victim actually thank me for being there, even when I stayed at the hospital for hours. Most victims were too dazed to realize what I'd done. That didn't matter because I knew that by being there I had helped her get through the ordeal of the exam, the police questioning, etc. What happened to her after that was beyond my control and I was well aware that lots of sad things happen to rape victims. That's why any gesture on Chiqui's part is letting this young woman know that the world isn't just made up of bad people who want to hurt her.

pandora

whoprincess wrote:

pandora wrote:

whoprincess wrote:

It was my understanding that Chiqui used to work with the daughter. I agree, it should be up to the daughter to disclose the information but I'm assuming that she is aware that her mother has shared it. I don't see expressing concern as confronting her.

I think you knew what I meant, wrong choice of word. With you having been a counselor you know what this young women is going through. Expressing concern is very appropriate for those very close to the victim. This is a private situation for only those closest and dearest family and friends. Her healing will come from within as you know anyways.

That was a bit harsh of me, I apologize.
Her healing may come from within or she may ultimately seek the help of a counselor. Without knowing her I can't say. I agree with you that the decision to share what happened to her needs to be her choice. I was assuming she knew her mother had told a friend.

Even though most victims don't tell others (sometimes no one at all!), I have very mixed feelings about encouraging someone to be completely private. It isn't something you should share with everybody you meet but not telling others adds to the whole sense of shame that's associated with rape. I would want to do whatever I could to let her know she has nothing to be ashamed of. She survived! She made the right choices and did the right things.

Because it's something so deeply personal and violating, there may be aspects that she won't be comfortable sharing with her mother, no matter how close they may be. It's important that she knows that there are other caring people who will listen and be nonjudgmental.

She may not even realize how others are supporting her. I never had a victim actually thank me for being there, even when I stayed at the hospital for hours. Most victims were too dazed to realize what I'd done. That didn't matter because I knew that by being there I had helped her get through the ordeal of the exam, the police questioning, etc. What happened to her after that was beyond my control and I was well aware that lots of sad things happen to rape victims. That's why any gesture on Chiqui's part is letting this young woman know that the world isn't just made up of bad people who want to hurt her.

I know in her place I could turn to you, a counselor easier than I could some family or casual friends. I wouldn't want people knowing even if it meant them trying to help. There is nothing to be ashamed of, I think I would know this, but I would also feel vulnerable and damaged, too damaged for anyone other than those I was very intimate with. I personally would not want others apart of the situation. As you say we all react differently to trauma. Normally I am all for supporting others and being there in anyway possible, reaching out. I am still not sure about this though.

Ms. Haiku

The survivor told her mother. This is an indication that the survivor's strength not only comes from within, but also by knowing who to trust. The survivor is relying on her mother - makes sense. The mother, who is also going through her own personal grief, has relied on a friend. This makes sense as well. For the mother's friend to express any assistance directly to the survivor doesn't seem to fit this equation. If the survivor is ready to talk with the mother's friend it will happen.

I agree with pandora. If my mother's friend out of the blue said to me, I'm really sorry about what happened. Just let me know if you need anything, I think I would feel violated again even though the sentiment is from the right place. How do you respond to that? The mother's friend would put the survivor in a position where she has to respond, and at this time she should be given room to breathe, and decide who in her opinion is ready to listen.

I just want to point out that all of us in this thread seem to be coming from a place where we want to help, and our points are equally valid.

chiquimonkey

Thanks again for all the input everyone. I am very close to her mother, and have known this family for over 15 years, so it's sorta like quasifamily in a way? Just trying to balance being supportive and not being intrusive at the same time.

pandora

chiquimonkey wrote:

Thanks again for all the input everyone. I am very close to her mother, and have known this family for over 15 years, so it's sorta like quasifamily in a way? Just trying to balance being supportive and not being intrusive at the same time.

Time really helps with that, more that passes the less intrusive.
My daughter might be this young womens age at 24. I have very close lifetime girlfriends who have watched Savannah grow, were there when I carried her. I still can't picture them reaching our to her in this situation. But talk to your close friend, her Mama, she will guide you.

I am so very sorry, I know this is hurting you too. There is a loss of faith in mankind when we are touched by violence.
If only the rapist could feel the pain and damage that has been done and the repercussions in so many lives. Neanderthal, that is my best description for him, no light, no understanding, no feeling.
It is incomprehensible to me that a man can even do this to a woman.

Who Princess

I am very glad she was able to tell her mom. That says she has good family support. Many women don't tell their families.

chiquimonkey

pandora wrote:

Time really helps with that, more that passes the less intrusive.
My daughter might be this young womens age at 24. I have very close lifetime girlfriends who have watched Savannah grow, were there when I carried her. I still can't picture them reaching our to her in this situation. But talk to your close friend, her Mama, she will guide you.

I am so very sorry, I know this is hurting you too. There is a loss of faith in mankind when we are touched by violence.
If only the rapist could feel the pain and damage that has been done and the repercussions in so many lives. Neanderthal, that is my best description for him, no light, no understanding, no feeling.
It is incomprehensible to me that a man can even do this to a woman.

Yup, she's 25, just a kid. I don't feel close enough to her to approach her personally, but I figure by supporting her mom and knowing that we're here for her, that should help some. I can't even imagine what they're going thru....thank god really. Just found out her daughter has to go on an anti-HIV treatment, just in case, since they haven't caught the guy yet. It's disgusting.

This guy should be strung up. The mom's been joking all morning of ways to torture him, so I've been playing along. I'm good at coming up with some sick ideas

And thanks, yeah it's been a blow for me, just feeling hurt for them. And just the thought of a man doing that....it's like you know it happens, but when it happens to someone you know, it adds a whole other dimension to it. I just keep trying to remind myself of the good men that are out there, and that are in my life.

whoprincess wrote:

I am very glad she was able to tell her mom. That says she has good family support. Many women don't tell their families.

Yup I'm glad too. They are very close. It's sad many women can't feel like they can tell their moms.

Who Princess

I got involved as a volunteer many years ago because a good friend of mine was raped. She was living several states away and it just tore me up that I couldn't be there for her. She never told her family, I think because her mom was unhappy because she'd moved so far away.

I was really at a loss about how to be helpful but she told me later that she was so touched at how I filled her mailbox with notes and little gifts. We also had a lot of long late night phone calls. I did a lot of "I don't know what to say but I'm so upset and hurt for you." She told me that that was all she really needed to hear.