Am I being realistic or selling myself short?

blondieblue227 · January 2010

Ok, I’m gonna throw this out there and see what I get.

I’m I being realistic or am I selling myself short?

Been with the same guy for 11 years. We love each other very much. We lived together for fours years. He is also disabled. He lost his job and by the 8th month there was nothing I could do to motivate him so I asked him to leave. He has a learning disability. It still scares me to this day that he has no motivation. It seems he is waiting for somebody to come along and take care of him.
I’ve noticed this theme in a few guys around me so I’m pretty sure it’s not disability related. I call it take-care-of-me-itis. Lol! But really, it’s not funny, and I’m tired of it. He’s had the same job for a while, but what if he looses it? Will he be able to get himself a job?

I’m 30. Every guy since kindergarten has freaked out the second he knew I liked him more than a friend. The last that has happened is when I was 23. So that’s all I know, that’s all I’ve experienced. Abled-bodied men do not find me a suitable mate or whatever you want to call it. I’ve had plenty of male friends thou, but I feel no abled-bodied men will ever look at me in that way.

So 11 years with this guy. We laugh and love and have a good time together. I know if I was not disabled and wanted the regular girl life, marriage, babies, house, I would’ve ditched his butt a long time ago. But I don’t want any of that. I’m happy just to glide along. i'm not a 'regular' woman, so why would i have a 'regular' life? what is regular anyway?
But recently, it’s been bugging me. Why won’t he do anything for himself?

My mom, of course feels I can do better. She’s mom, she’s supposed to want more for her daughter. I'm glad she cares. I’ve explained the way guys act towards be. I’m not a sexual being to them at all. ‘I’m just being realistic mom.’ Also, I tend not to take relationship from my mom. She’s had two failed marriages, no boyfriend.

Am I being realistic? Or am I selling myself short?

I also feel bad for only being attracted to abled-bodied men even thou I’m physically disabled myself. The only guy in a wheelchair I’ve been attracted to, wasn’t born disabled. And from what I’ve experienced, later in life people with disabilities do not at all see any connection to people that were born with their disabilities. I was born with my disability.

I have an aide a little younger then me. She’s playing the dating game. It seems exhausting to me.
He’s Just Not That Into You – the movie
Is what her dating life reminds me of, a bunch of games. Plus I’d have this whole other dimension to it, my disability.

One of my favorite bits of wisdom is: True happiness is being happy with what you have.
But us being humans, are always striving for more, more, more. I hate it! Yes it pushes us to achieve, but it also gets in the way too.

So
Am I being realistic or selling myself short?
I don’t like talking about this because I find myself to be a kickass woman. So I don’t think it’s a self-esteem thing. I know how abled-bodied men react to me that’s all.

And I have tried online dating.
All I got was ‘can you have sex?’ and/or 20 question game about my disability—which made me feel like a science experiment.

I’m posting a video of me so you can get the visual effect of my disability.
‘ew, man! I want to get with that!’
NOTTT!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWHZq_rSwrM
ME starting on the 4:39 mark.

and be honest too.
None of this people should look pass your disability bullshit. Because we all know they should, but they don’t. humans are visual beings.

PS i think this post is outta spite for my mom. i know men. i just know.

IamMine · January 2010

Lemme get back to you...I have to read again and think.

My brain is pretty much fried tonight....and you know why.

Hang in there and of course, I will be honest with you. It might be tomorrow before I chip in my 2 cents.

((Hugs))

the wolf · January 2010

I would say both. you are being realistic based on your experiences.

but also selling yourself short in ways because I don't believe in absolutes. So yes, I believe that you could find a man without a disability. It is not absolutely certain that every man without a disability would not be interested in you, so therefore by thinking that, you are indeed selling yourself short.

I'm not sayin it wold be easy finding a guy that is able to overlook this,
In case you have not noticed , us guys are pretty fucking shallow as it is most of the time. :roll:

I guess what I'm saying is this..... If it's something you want and don't try, then you are selling yourself short for sure.

I'm sure this does not help at all. Sorry.

-steve

blondieblue227 · January 2010

babble on. maybe it'll led somewhere helpful.
that's all i did with this post......babble.
shit if i know, best i can do is babble about it.

i'm really not tearing myself up about it. it's not some dire thing that needs solving right now. but some opinions would be cool.
i've been questioning this for a very long time now. it's def an issue for most people with disabilities.

the wolf · January 2010

I think most guys are not secure enough with themselves to be able to handle it maybe.

example: I didn't know how to act or what to do when my ex-wife had a miscarriage, I was afraid to do or say anything. I'm not real proud of that... but thats how we men can be.

I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but I think it's along the same lines in some ways.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. :oops:

blondieblue227 · January 2010

i get what you're saying just fine. it's what i've been saying: I know men. I know how they are. and you're right. they're like that all the way.

you threw in maybe.
maybe they're like that, maybe they aren't.
i'm not a gambling type. i know that for sure.

the wolf · January 2010

blondieblue227 wrote:

i get what you're saying just fine. it's what i've been saying: I know men. I know how they are. and you're right. they're like that all the way.

yeah, we pretty much suck.

blondieblue227 · January 2010

the wolf wrote:

yeah, we pretty much suck.

sseeeee mom!

lol!

FenwayFaithful · January 2010

First of all blondieblue227, I think you are an amazing person. What you must deal with on a daily basis is tremendous and to be as vibrant a person as you are I think is spectacular.

It's difficult for me to give relationship advice since the longest relationship I've had has lasted 8 months. It would be irresponsible of me to tell you one way or another because I don't closely know the relationship you two have. But if you are thinking these things, you gotta ask yourself a few questions. Does he love you? Do you love him? Does he treat you the way you deserve to be treated? Are you happy? Whether disabled or able-bodied, these are problems all of us deal with.

God bless you blondieblue227. Best of luck my friend.

Ms. Wes C.addle · January 2010

Where to begin... I can only speak from my point of view, but still empathize with you.

Unfortunately, there is nothing more you can personally do to try to motivate someone. As we have all heard before, we can only help people that want to help themselves. It can be exhausting and stressful on a relationship when someone loses their job, especially nowadays. Once you have exhausted all of your support, love and motivation for them, you start to hit a wall. On another note, you cant change a man. No matter what. If he has always lacked in the motivatin dept., chances are, things wont ever change.

I think the most important thing in life is being happy and doing everything that you have ever wanted to do in our short time here. Live without regrets. I strive to touch people's life in an unknowing way.

I have realized in a past relationship, that I was not happy but was scared to death to be alone. What if I never found someone that loved me again, or someone that could put up with all of my annoying habits. Someone that I could relate to and trust with every thought. I was too comfortable and was in love with the thought of love or the idea of a relationship, not the actual person. It took an awful long time to be comfortable in my own skin and regain my independence. I am surely no prize and lacking in the looks dept. but feel that I have a great personality and the most honest, loyal, and trusting person out there.

Once you figure out the secret of finding a good guy, let me know. But remember that you should put yourself first and live your life. You shouldnt have toxic people around, they will only hold you back.

wow, I wish I had a more positive outlook and had more advice, but I cant relate to you in every way. Best of luck to you. You will know what is right...

blondieblue227 · January 2010

FenwayFaithful wrote:

First of all blondieblue227, I think you are an amazing person. What you must deal with on a daily basis is tremendous and to be as vibrant a person as you are I think is spectacular.

great response. there was no pitty in that. good job.
AND THANK YOU!

you gotta ask yourself a few questions. Does he love you? Do you love him? Does he treat you the way you deserve to be treated? Are you happy? Whether disabled or able-bodied, these are problems all of us deal with.

yes to all of that.
he also is limited by his disability. he stutters and sometimes people are dicks. and he's not book smart. so we both feel he's limited to what kind of job he has. but still I don’t want to feel he’s using me financially. BUT that may be something I need to get over as long as I know he’s trying his best.
My happiness shouldn’t depend on his level of motivation. Right? But still I’m cranky about it.
I think Chris Rock is right. Woman don’t know what they want. But they want everything! Crazy bitches.

great post ms. wes c.addle thank you.
i really relate/agree to that first thing you said. i learned that during those 8 mo. When the respect went the love went. So I feel respect is more important than love.
When he was gone and we had time, whenever I had something to talk about, I’d call him. He’s my best friend. I’ve tried to quit talking to him! Lol! I can’t. he’s my best friend. ....even when I want to push him off a cliff. :?

the wolf · January 2010

blondieblue227 wrote:

He’s my best friend. I’ve tried to quit talking to him! Lol! I can’t. he’s my best friend. ....even when I want to push him off a cliff. :?

I think this is the most important thing. The friendship part is the best.

decides2dream · January 2010

the wolf wrote:

I would say both. you are being realistic based on your experiences.

but also selling yourself short in ways because I don't believe in absolutes. So yes, I believe that you could find a man without a disability. It is not absolutely certain that every man without a disability would not be interested in you, so therefore by thinking that, you are indeed selling yourself short.

I guess what I'm saying is this..... If it's something you want and don't try, then you are selling yourself short for sure.

i agree with this.
you are only selling yourself short if YOU think you are.
i do believe, overall, you are being realistic....but that doesn't mean there aren't other possibilities. we all have short-comings and/or perceived short-comings from a societal standpoint. and even amongst the disabled community, there could be another partner better suited to you, who you would love, who would excite you, who would meet more of your personal criteria. i think more than anything, and especially outside the whole able-bodied vs. disabled thing, is the idea of.....do you love your guy for who he IS, faults and all? plenty of able-bodied guys lack motivation, aren't book smart, etc, etc. we all have faults. trick is, to find that partner who's faults you can live with, who can live with yours....and who you can laugh and love with.

don't settle....but don't throw away someone who brings you joy either. it's a tough call to make, and only you can know what's the right call there. i think there are people who use the 'i don't want to settle' idea, and remain alone. i agree, no one should settle...but i also think there are some people out there with some pretty lofty/unrealistic expectations of a partner, and/or think too highly of themselves, etc. (not saying you, at all). so i do agree, it's important to be realistic.....even while you're dreaming.

yea, i know...no help at all....

eyedclaar · January 2010

There is nothing wrong with settling for someone. I would be totally alone if my wife hadn't settled for me... Of course, I think she just likes my multiple personality disorder. She never knows who she is gonna go to bed with Or wake up with...

DeLukin · January 2010

I'm certainly no expert in matters of the heart, but I do know that love has little to do with being realistic. Physical disability or not, we all deserve our perfect someone. If you settle for less then I think you're selling yourself short. Don't stop searching and never lower your standards. Sure, sometimes you have to kiss a few frogs before you find your Prince but if you know the frog you're with now isn't 'the one' then keep looking. He's out there somewhere, looking for you.

Claireack · January 2010

I'm no realationship expert either. Been with my hubby 23 years, met when I was 19, which if I worked it out right means the same age as you two got together.

In that time we've had some real highs and some incredible lows, but over time I've come to accept who he is and his little personality quirks, some that do also make me want to push him over a cliff at times. But to be honest, noone is perfect, he isn't, I'm not. I don't think any realationship runs completely smoothly all the time, maybe your guy is feeling down which might account for his lack of get up and go, or yes, the male of the species are just complete pains in the arse sometimes for no apparent reason (this probably goes back at us women too - but only very rarely!)

I would say, if you still love him, and in the majority of ways he still makes you happy, work at it. If this recent patch has just gone to highlight some feelings that you had already, then maybe it's time to go your separate ways.

I would say the above to anyone, disabled, ablebodied whatever.

With regards to selling yourself short, who knows? I might be selling myself short being with my husband, or he might be selling himself short by being with me.

Hope all goes well, although I'm probably a bit late in jumping on the thread and you probably know what's for the best anyway

P.s. Mothers aren't always right when it comes to realationships (my mum is on marriage no. 4)
P.P.s Like the wolfs comment on youtube, you did better than me, the only time I've ever gone near a surfboard was walking past it in a shop :oops:

81 · January 2010

being his friend, you should tell him to get off his ass and look for a job. don't feel bad about it. my brother was living with me for a while and i deemed that he was being lazy and not looking hard enough, so i balled him out. it worked.

as for the love and being with him, that is only something you can decide.

dimitrispearljam · January 2010

this is so intresting really ,im going out ,to the cinema now,ill post my thinking after i come back

Lizard · January 2010

Hey Ivy~~

As others have said–no relationship expert here (huge understatement!!) but if you feel you are selling yourself short, then you very well could be. The hard part is getting out of that situation.
Best of luck.

Loved your video by the way!!!

pearljgirl2010 · January 2010

I think ms wes c addle made a lot of great points (so I won't reiterate all of them!)

do what you need to do to be happy. If the biggest issue with your guy is the work aspect, then that's pretty damn good :-) Maybe it's something that the two of you can work on together...we all have our issues, able-bodied or not, and this is something that seems like you can overcome, and I hope you do!!!!

oh--loved the video...hearing the laughter and seeing how much fun everyone was having brought tears to my eyes :-)

IamMine · January 2010

pearljgirl2010 wrote:

I think ms wes c addle made a lot of great points (so I won't reiterate all of them!)

do what you need to do to be happy. If the biggest issue with your guy is the work aspect, then that's pretty damn good :-) Maybe it's something that the two of you can work on together...we all have our issues, able-bodied or not, and this is something that seems like you can overcome, and I hope you do!!!!

oh--loved the video...hearing the laughter and seeing how much fun everyone was having brought tears to my eyes :-)

+1, that's my favorite video of blondie in it.

Sorry I haven't been much of use here, been dealing with my stupid computer (and still am)...but a lot of good points were made here that I agree with. I do understand where you are coming from... so....

I hope you'll figure things out soon and get things straightened out.

((hugs))

Am I being realistic or selling myself short?

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