Am I being realistic or selling myself short?
blondieblue227
Posts: 4,509
Ok, I’m gonna throw this out there and see what I get.
I’m I being realistic or am I selling myself short?
Been with the same guy for 11 years. We love each other very much. We lived together for fours years. He is also disabled. He lost his job and by the 8th month there was nothing I could do to motivate him so I asked him to leave. He has a learning disability. It still scares me to this day that he has no motivation. It seems he is waiting for somebody to come along and take care of him.
I’ve noticed this theme in a few guys around me so I’m pretty sure it’s not disability related. I call it take-care-of-me-itis. Lol! But really, it’s not funny, and I’m tired of it. He’s had the same job for a while, but what if he looses it? Will he be able to get himself a job?
I’m 30. Every guy since kindergarten has freaked out the second he knew I liked him more than a friend. The last that has happened is when I was 23. So that’s all I know, that’s all I’ve experienced. Abled-bodied men do not find me a suitable mate or whatever you want to call it. I’ve had plenty of male friends thou, but I feel no abled-bodied men will ever look at me in that way.
So 11 years with this guy. We laugh and love and have a good time together. I know if I was not disabled and wanted the regular girl life, marriage, babies, house, I would’ve ditched his butt a long time ago. But I don’t want any of that. I’m happy just to glide along. i'm not a 'regular' woman, so why would i have a 'regular' life? what is regular anyway?
But recently, it’s been bugging me. Why won’t he do anything for himself?
My mom, of course feels I can do better. She’s mom, she’s supposed to want more for her daughter. I'm glad she cares. I’ve explained the way guys act towards be. I’m not a sexual being to them at all. ‘I’m just being realistic mom.’ Also, I tend not to take relationship from my mom. She’s had two failed marriages, no boyfriend.
Am I being realistic? Or am I selling myself short?
I also feel bad for only being attracted to abled-bodied men even thou I’m physically disabled myself. The only guy in a wheelchair I’ve been attracted to, wasn’t born disabled. And from what I’ve experienced, later in life people with disabilities do not at all see any connection to people that were born with their disabilities. I was born with my disability.
I have an aide a little younger then me. She’s playing the dating game. It seems exhausting to me.
He’s Just Not That Into You – the movie
Is what her dating life reminds me of, a bunch of games. Plus I’d have this whole other dimension to it, my disability.
One of my favorite bits of wisdom is: True happiness is being happy with what you have.
But us being humans, are always striving for more, more, more. I hate it! Yes it pushes us to achieve, but it also gets in the way too.
So
Am I being realistic or selling myself short?
I don’t like talking about this because I find myself to be a kickass woman. So I don’t think it’s a self-esteem thing. I know how abled-bodied men react to me that’s all.
And I have tried online dating.
All I got was ‘can you have sex?’ and/or 20 question game about my disability—which made me feel like a science experiment.
I’m posting a video of me so you can get the visual effect of my disability.
‘ew, man! I want to get with that!’
NOTTT!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWHZq_rSwrM
ME starting on the 4:39 mark.
and be honest too.
None of this people should look pass your disability bullshit. Because we all know they should, but they don’t. humans are visual beings.
PS i think this post is outta spite for my mom. i know men. i just know.
I’m I being realistic or am I selling myself short?
Been with the same guy for 11 years. We love each other very much. We lived together for fours years. He is also disabled. He lost his job and by the 8th month there was nothing I could do to motivate him so I asked him to leave. He has a learning disability. It still scares me to this day that he has no motivation. It seems he is waiting for somebody to come along and take care of him.
I’ve noticed this theme in a few guys around me so I’m pretty sure it’s not disability related. I call it take-care-of-me-itis. Lol! But really, it’s not funny, and I’m tired of it. He’s had the same job for a while, but what if he looses it? Will he be able to get himself a job?
I’m 30. Every guy since kindergarten has freaked out the second he knew I liked him more than a friend. The last that has happened is when I was 23. So that’s all I know, that’s all I’ve experienced. Abled-bodied men do not find me a suitable mate or whatever you want to call it. I’ve had plenty of male friends thou, but I feel no abled-bodied men will ever look at me in that way.
So 11 years with this guy. We laugh and love and have a good time together. I know if I was not disabled and wanted the regular girl life, marriage, babies, house, I would’ve ditched his butt a long time ago. But I don’t want any of that. I’m happy just to glide along. i'm not a 'regular' woman, so why would i have a 'regular' life? what is regular anyway?
But recently, it’s been bugging me. Why won’t he do anything for himself?
My mom, of course feels I can do better. She’s mom, she’s supposed to want more for her daughter. I'm glad she cares. I’ve explained the way guys act towards be. I’m not a sexual being to them at all. ‘I’m just being realistic mom.’ Also, I tend not to take relationship from my mom. She’s had two failed marriages, no boyfriend.
Am I being realistic? Or am I selling myself short?
I also feel bad for only being attracted to abled-bodied men even thou I’m physically disabled myself. The only guy in a wheelchair I’ve been attracted to, wasn’t born disabled. And from what I’ve experienced, later in life people with disabilities do not at all see any connection to people that were born with their disabilities. I was born with my disability.
I have an aide a little younger then me. She’s playing the dating game. It seems exhausting to me.
He’s Just Not That Into You – the movie
Is what her dating life reminds me of, a bunch of games. Plus I’d have this whole other dimension to it, my disability.
One of my favorite bits of wisdom is: True happiness is being happy with what you have.
But us being humans, are always striving for more, more, more. I hate it! Yes it pushes us to achieve, but it also gets in the way too.
So
Am I being realistic or selling myself short?
I don’t like talking about this because I find myself to be a kickass woman. So I don’t think it’s a self-esteem thing. I know how abled-bodied men react to me that’s all.
And I have tried online dating.
All I got was ‘can you have sex?’ and/or 20 question game about my disability—which made me feel like a science experiment.
I’m posting a video of me so you can get the visual effect of my disability.
‘ew, man! I want to get with that!’
NOTTT!!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWHZq_rSwrM
ME starting on the 4:39 mark.
and be honest too.
None of this people should look pass your disability bullshit. Because we all know they should, but they don’t. humans are visual beings.
PS i think this post is outta spite for my mom. i know men. i just know.
*~Pearl Jam will be blasted from speakers until morale improves~*
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Comments
My brain is pretty much fried tonight....and you know why.
Hang in there and of course, I will be honest with you. It might be tomorrow before I chip in my 2 cents.
((Hugs))
EV: It's your band.
~Q Magazine
"Kisses for the glow...kisses for the lease." - BDRII
but also selling yourself short in ways because I don't believe in absolutes. So yes, I believe that you could find a man without a disability. It is not absolutely certain that every man without a disability would not be interested in you, so therefore by thinking that, you are indeed selling yourself short.
I'm not sayin it wold be easy finding a guy that is able to overlook this,
In case you have not noticed , us guys are pretty fucking shallow as it is most of the time. :roll:
I guess what I'm saying is this..... If it's something you want and don't try, then you are selling yourself short for sure.
I'm sure this does not help at all. Sorry.
-steve
"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel
that's all i did with this post......babble.
shit if i know, best i can do is babble about it.
i'm really not tearing myself up about it. it's not some dire thing that needs solving right now. but some opinions would be cool.
i've been questioning this for a very long time now. it's def an issue for most people with disabilities.
example: I didn't know how to act or what to do when my ex-wife had a miscarriage, I was afraid to do or say anything. I'm not real proud of that... but thats how we men can be.
I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but I think it's along the same lines in some ways.
I don't know what I'm trying to say here. :oops:
"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel
you threw in maybe.
maybe they're like that, maybe they aren't.
i'm not a gambling type. i know that for sure.
yeah, we pretty much suck.
"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel
sseeeee mom!
lol!
It's difficult for me to give relationship advice since the longest relationship I've had has lasted 8 months. It would be irresponsible of me to tell you one way or another because I don't closely know the relationship you two have. But if you are thinking these things, you gotta ask yourself a few questions. Does he love you? Do you love him? Does he treat you the way you deserve to be treated? Are you happy? Whether disabled or able-bodied, these are problems all of us deal with.
God bless you blondieblue227. Best of luck my friend.
Unfortunately, there is nothing more you can personally do to try to motivate someone. As we have all heard before, we can only help people that want to help themselves. It can be exhausting and stressful on a relationship when someone loses their job, especially nowadays. Once you have exhausted all of your support, love and motivation for them, you start to hit a wall. On another note, you cant change a man. No matter what. If he has always lacked in the motivatin dept., chances are, things wont ever change.
I think the most important thing in life is being happy and doing everything that you have ever wanted to do in our short time here. Live without regrets. I strive to touch people's life in an unknowing way.
I have realized in a past relationship, that I was not happy but was scared to death to be alone. What if I never found someone that loved me again, or someone that could put up with all of my annoying habits. Someone that I could relate to and trust with every thought. I was too comfortable and was in love with the thought of love or the idea of a relationship, not the actual person. It took an awful long time to be comfortable in my own skin and regain my independence. I am surely no prize and lacking in the looks dept. but feel that I have a great personality and the most honest, loyal, and trusting person out there.
Once you figure out the secret of finding a good guy, let me know. But remember that you should put yourself first and live your life. You shouldnt have toxic people around, they will only hold you back.
wow, I wish I had a more positive outlook and had more advice, but I cant relate to you in every way. Best of luck to you. You will know what is right...
great response. there was no pitty in that. good job.
AND THANK YOU!
yes to all of that.
he also is limited by his disability. he stutters and sometimes people are dicks. and he's not book smart. so we both feel he's limited to what kind of job he has. but still I don’t want to feel he’s using me financially. BUT that may be something I need to get over as long as I know he’s trying his best.
My happiness shouldn’t depend on his level of motivation. Right? But still I’m cranky about it.
I think Chris Rock is right. Woman don’t know what they want. But they want everything! Crazy bitches.
great post ms. wes c.addle thank you.
i really relate/agree to that first thing you said. i learned that during those 8 mo. When the respect went the love went. So I feel respect is more important than love.
When he was gone and we had time, whenever I had something to talk about, I’d call him. He’s my best friend. I’ve tried to quit talking to him! Lol! I can’t. he’s my best friend. ....even when I want to push him off a cliff. :?
I think this is the most important thing. The friendship part is the best.
"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel
i agree with this.
you are only selling yourself short if YOU think you are.
i do believe, overall, you are being realistic....but that doesn't mean there aren't other possibilities. we all have short-comings and/or perceived short-comings from a societal standpoint. and even amongst the disabled community, there could be another partner better suited to you, who you would love, who would excite you, who would meet more of your personal criteria. i think more than anything, and especially outside the whole able-bodied vs. disabled thing, is the idea of.....do you love your guy for who he IS, faults and all? plenty of able-bodied guys lack motivation, aren't book smart, etc, etc. we all have faults. trick is, to find that partner who's faults you can live with, who can live with yours....and who you can laugh and love with.
don't settle....but don't throw away someone who brings you joy either. it's a tough call to make, and only you can know what's the right call there. i think there are people who use the 'i don't want to settle' idea, and remain alone. i agree, no one should settle...but i also think there are some people out there with some pretty lofty/unrealistic expectations of a partner, and/or think too highly of themselves, etc. (not saying you, at all). so i do agree, it's important to be realistic.....even while you're dreaming.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
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In that time we've had some real highs and some incredible lows, but over time I've come to accept who he is and his little personality quirks, some that do also make me want to push him over a cliff at times. But to be honest, noone is perfect, he isn't, I'm not. I don't think any realationship runs completely smoothly all the time, maybe your guy is feeling down which might account for his lack of get up and go, or yes, the male of the species are just complete pains in the arse sometimes for no apparent reason (this probably goes back at us women too - but only very rarely!)
I would say, if you still love him, and in the majority of ways he still makes you happy, work at it. If this recent patch has just gone to highlight some feelings that you had already, then maybe it's time to go your separate ways.
I would say the above to anyone, disabled, ablebodied whatever.
With regards to selling yourself short, who knows? I might be selling myself short being with my husband, or he might be selling himself short by being with me.
Hope all goes well, although I'm probably a bit late in jumping on the thread and you probably know what's for the best anyway
P.s. Mothers aren't always right when it comes to realationships (my mum is on marriage no. 4)
P.P.s Like the wolfs comment on youtube, you did better than me, the only time I've ever gone near a surfboard was walking past it in a shop :oops:
as for the love and being with him, that is only something you can decide.
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
As others have said–no relationship expert here (huge understatement!!) but if you feel you are selling yourself short, then you very well could be. The hard part is getting out of that situation.
Best of luck.
Loved your video by the way!!!
Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
do what you need to do to be happy. If the biggest issue with your guy is the work aspect, then that's pretty damn good :-) Maybe it's something that the two of you can work on together...we all have our issues, able-bodied or not, and this is something that seems like you can overcome, and I hope you do!!!!
oh--loved the video...hearing the laughter and seeing how much fun everyone was having brought tears to my eyes :-)
Whatever you are, be a good one --Lincoln
+1, that's my favorite video of blondie in it.
Sorry I haven't been much of use here, been dealing with my stupid computer (and still am)...but a lot of good points were made here that I agree with. I do understand where you are coming from... so....
I hope you'll figure things out soon and get things straightened out.
EV: It's your band.
~Q Magazine
"Kisses for the glow...kisses for the lease." - BDRII
Yes. The first time I did that surfing thing I was either smiling or on the edge of crying for the entire day. Those people helping out like that, really touched my heart. Thanks for all the kind comments about the video!
that’s what I think too. It could be worse. He has the same job for quite a while. It’s just I’m worried about his motivation level if he looses it because of what’s happened in the past. He says I can’t hold that against him for the rest of his life and he’s right.
That’s an issue for me and I’m guessing a lot of people.
You make judgments on what you’ve experienced in your life. Sometimes your past is crappy and it ruins you for the future.
Wow. All of my PJ peeps posts are heart felt. I really appreciate you talking it out with me.
I don’t like that term. Settling. It’s got an icky feel to it. nobody’s perfect. I don’t like it when people judge and say ew, she’s settling. If you always think you’re settling nobody will be your ideal mate you will be alone. And when others think you’re settling it makes you defensive and you can’t think about the relationship with a clear head. Often I find myself upset and start complaining to him and I say hold on, am I upset on my own or because of what somebody else said to me about us?
Settling...na uh, don’t like that term at all.
As I said before as women we want more, and more. Why is that? Why can’t we happy with what we have?
I really like what claireeak said.
There’s always going to be some kind of problem. That’s how life works. As Claire said how you work it out, is what matters.
And recently I feel like we have a good communication line going. So that’s reassuring. He just left. We had a really good talk.
My favorite quote about chocolate is
Forget falling in love, I rather fall in chocolate!
‘…...if it’s something you want to try (dating) then you’re selling yourself short.’
Well, I don’t want to date based on my disability. I just don’t want to even go there.
If I had no disability who knows, I’d might want to try.
‘don’t let your disability stand in the way’
well I’m not going to deny the power/effect my disability has either, that wouldn’t be being true to myself.
a quote that comes to mind:
The eyes of others are our prisons; their thoughts our cages. - Virginia Woolf
but it's sad. based on what has happened to me in the dating game is i've seemed to have put all men the same box because i don't want to feel any more rejected than i already have been in my life.
but i'm sure all dating women have that fear.
best of luck to you!
You beat me to it, 81.... I was just thinking about the "right" networking type for the dating to occur.
Blondie...I'm not sure if this story (you know me...everyone else proceed to eyerolling and feel free to ignore me
I didn't date much...I can tell you how many times I've dated with my hands and it's not even all the fingers. Three boyfriends, the last one I married. Yes, *I* married him.
It's not because of my so-called disability...but because I'm picky. It's ALL or NONE. hehe, seriously. I told Bobby I got really lucky that i found him, because he's everything I want and more. But I don't know if he's that lucky, though...I can be challenging.
I was afraid I'd end up like my mother. i love my mother dearly and always adored her growing up....but she always fell for the first man who showed interest in her and bam, they're living together. I was determined not to tie love and sex together.
If I were single, would I be coming here for dating? Fuck no. Nor will it be in the other community, it would be a long story on why.
But...in college, I was friends with this hot guy who was everything - hot (did I mention that already), SMART, responsible, hot body, rich, had his own dorm and his Italian family owned several restaurants in NY.
I dated him because I felt comfortable with him since he had been around the campus for 2 years so he was already exposed to different people and of course, I was physically attracted to him. Everything seemed to be perfect about him...even if he wasn't rich.
Except....that I found out he had a small dick! OMG....that totally fucked up everything. I could not see a future with him and staying loyal to him. I would have to cheat on him to satisfy my needs and I couldn't do that to him. it wasn't fair to either of us.
So I ended our relationship and he asked why....I couldn't tell him the truth, it would crush him. So I pulled the "it's not you, it's me." :P I was telling the truth...just on my behalf.
Anyway...it's easy to get put off and say people won't find you attractive because of your disability, but it's finding people who are used to being around you and there might be one out there who would find you just as attractive as you him.
EV: It's your band.
~Q Magazine
"Kisses for the glow...kisses for the lease." - BDRII
when it comes to relationship,i always say is a want matter,not a should,
my opinion is to figure out what u want..how u feel the whole inside.
and up of all,love...if u still love him with all your gats,keep trying..
fight,try harder to move him..
but if u doubt about your feelings,u must see that,,to search..inside u ,u will find the voice to tell u what to do
and choose this..
whats the best for u....
p.s.mom(parents in general) always want the best for their children..
but most of the times,they dont have a fuckin clue whats that...
"..That's One Happy Fuckin Ghost.."
“..That came up on the Pillow Case...This is for the Greek, With Our Apologies.....”
lol! i like that!
parents just want their kid to be happy. but what is happiness anyway? that's how i look at it.
i would call my feeling at this time as cranky, not as unhappy.
i was unhappy when he didn't have a job for 8 months! lol!
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
hehehe sounds like The Notebook. one of my favs! PS. i'd do anything ryan gosling WANTS anyday. hehehe
but really, that is THE question.
brian my guy was a point.........ivy you always want. i do this. it's good. than you want that. it's frustrating for him and i understand why.
so i know what i want now, but later on down the road the guys gotta be open to new demands? that's not the right word, demands. and it seems unfair. but life is always changing, it requires new things.
mel
You know.......right before I did surfing for the first time I posted about it here. something like Eddie would be proud was the title.
Lol!
Again, I got a lot of support from this board.
Yes I remember you telling me about that dick. He was using you all the way. I’m glad you wised up to it.
I’ve told brian a billion times I don’t want to feel like you’re using me. I won’t have it. so lets see if he does something, motivation-wise. Yesterday he sounded like he had some good plans, hope he follows thru.
The small member fellow? Was that the same guy?!
You’re right. I’m playing it safe. I’m wussing out. Thou I may start talking to a couple guys with disabilities on the net in the near future. My friend knows them and i passing my name along.
Popular girls gasped when they heard I was going out with him and then dumping him the very next week...and all ran up to him. :P He was hard to get and they couldn't believe that such an unpopular girl could easily get him.
Of course I never told anyone why... would damage his reputation for sure. He eventually found the right girl who he also ended up marrying and having kids.
I know we women can be challenging for our men at times, putting them to test a lot... Bobby put up with me a lot over the years...I changed a lot and he went along with it. God bless that man!
EV: It's your band.
~Q Magazine
"Kisses for the glow...kisses for the lease." - BDRII
I really wish I saw that...and would have supported you too. Funny how I didn't pay attention to a lot of things here on the board... :roll: My loss. :P
That is very cool!
EV: It's your band.
~Q Magazine
"Kisses for the glow...kisses for the lease." - BDRII
Changes.
I heard a cool thing about that once.
In relationships people change. It’s rather if you’re mate can change with you at the same rate.
Oh don’t worry about it! I think I posted it here on the All Encompassing Trip category. I don’t even check here that often. Just when I get bored. Or need advice!