And I think there was someone who was saying that the parent and the twenty year old aren't equals. Are you serious? Everybody in this post is saying that the twenty year old is grown up and can do his own thing, right? Then why is he not considered as an equal now? "
What I think people meant is that, if you are 20 and living at home and relying on your parents for your needs, you are not 'equal'. There is still the very definite parent/child relationship because this 20 year old is not independent. So I argue that, in this case, a parent still has the obligation to 'parent'. Now if this 20 year old is living a fully independent life (ie own place, not relying on parents' money, etc.) then the relationship becomes adult/adult, therefore 'equal'. The 'equal' has nothing to do with an 'above or below' status - it's based on dependency. The tables could also be turned the other way. Say you are in your mid thirties, good income, good home, good life. Something happens and your parents need help - you offer they come live with you. I'm sure you will have some 'rules' too and, to a point, they will have to fit in. So for me, it is not a question of age, but a question of where one is at in his/her life. Not sure if this makes sense to 'non parents of older kids'!
If you want advice, look at who your kid is hanging out with. It's usually a HUGE factor in to why he's "doing drugs."
Absolutely. But then when the parents say to the kid... 'I don't want you hanging out with those people because drugs, etc.', is that the parents still being on their high horses? Do they have the 'right' to say that to their kid living under their roof? Are they then accused of 'monitoring' them all the time and wanting to run their lives. Most parents don't do things like that for the pleasure of doing it......
I agree with you on the second part. Thank you for clearing that up for me because it seemed off to me. I'm in the adult-adult side of things so maybe that's why it was hard to get at first. And as for who your children are hanging out with, if you say "no" you mean no. That was never a problem for me as a kid. Redrock, you seem like a great parent and I was just trying to get my side out. My relationship with my parents is great and it's due to some of the choices they let me make as I got older. I know parents who have chosen which college their kid would attend and there was no difference in money. Some things just seem a bid sad when the kid has no rights at all.
I agree with you on the second part. Thank you for clearing that up for me because it seemed off to me. I'm in the adult-adult side of things so maybe that's why it was hard to get at first. And as for who your children are hanging out with, if you say "no" you mean no. That was never a problem for me as a kid. Redrock, you seem like a great parent and I was just trying to get my side out. My relationship with my parents is great and it's due to some of the choices they let me make as I got older. I know parents who have chosen which college their kid would attend and there was no difference in money. Some things just seem a bid sad when the kid has no rights at all.
There are some domineering parents, some 'couldn't care less' parents, etc. But in general a parent has a bit more foresight than their kid and will endeavour to help them as much as possible. Parents are not infallible - far from that. We make mistakes as well.
When you say 'And as for who your children are hanging out with, if you say "no" you mean no. That was never a problem for me as a kid', some posters seem to have problems with that kind of 'rule' or discipline, ie let your kid find out for himself/herself....
I hope I am a good parent. My daughter is 'only' 14 but as she has always been able to have a choice (albeit sometimes very limited due to her age). I have 'let' her make the wrong choice too - as long as there were no dire/important consequences - because kids HAVE to learn. There are things she is NOT allowed to do, things she MUST do and things that are OK at home but not elsewhere (for example she is allowed wine at home - within reason with a sunday meal for example, but she knows she is not of legal drinking age..) but she has a lot of freedom. There are things some of her friends do behind their parents back which, for her, are just not worth the deception (especially drinking). I'm hoping that the values she is being taught will carry over to adulthood.
Obviously...I'm tired of pro-pot folks calling me because I do not support the idea of smoking pot in public...ever...I apologize if I crossed the line in the sand, but the rudeness about my views on pot apparently hit the limit.
Your views on smoking pot in public are not a problem. They're legit. It's the judgments you make about the personality and character of people that indulge in a little pot smoking that is fucking ridiculous. You live in the south right? So you MUST be an inbred, gun-totin, sister-loving redneck right? See how fucking dumb that is?
So I assume that, out of respect for your mom, you don't stash any illegal substances at home? You also mention some kind of 'being responsible' since you make sure you have gas in your car before you buy drugs. How about trying to spend YOUR money on necessities and things to help your future instead of drugs? Aren't you happy you have parents that thought things through a bit better and made sure they spent money on you before anything illegal? You also say 'Im just a kid'... but you're not. You are 20 - an adult - someone who could be living his/her own INDEPENDENT life, not relying on parents.
I didn't read the OP's posts as saying she was controlling her son's life (wanting to know every minute of the day where he was, what he was doing, etc.). There were his drugs in HER home, HER car. It is not just being 'hostile over a little pot', it is the lies, the deception... the disapointment, the loss of trust... all of that. That's what hurts. This mother has seen what it can do to her son's future (ie not going for a GOOD job because he knows he will fail the drugs test).
Odd that I'm almost on the opposite page. You can't tell me you never once lied to your parents about what you were doing when you were 20. So I think this whole loss of trust thing is nonsense. Teens and adolescents deceive their parents, they lie and they hid things. It's not some horrible mark on them or some horrible betrayal of their parents. It's just what they do when they want to test waters they know their parents don't approve of. I'm 27 and I still hide the occasional cigarette I smoke from my mom, just because I don't want to get a lecture about it. If I did it regularly it might be another story, but come on. I'd be more worried about a kid that is 100% honest with their parents about anything... that seems alarming. This whole "he lied to me" thing is a non-issue. Of course he did. He didn't want a big deal made of it because he doesn't see it as the big deal she does. Nothing horrible or alarming or unexpected about him trying to keep his pot-smoking quiet.
But I do agree with her stance on her house. It's her house, her rules. If he doesn't like them, he can go. Which is what happened. Hopefully this will be a valuable learning experience for him. But he doesn't "owe" it to her to quit smoking and stay in her home just because of what she has done for him in the past.
You can't tell me you never once lied to your parents about what you were doing when you were 20. So I think this whole loss of trust thing is nonsense. Teens and adolescents deceive their parents, they lie and they hid things. It's not some horrible mark on them or some horrible betrayal of their parents. It's just what they do when they want to test waters they know their parents don't approve of. I'm 27 and I still hide the occasional cigarette I smoke from my mom, just because I don't want to get a lecture about it. If I did it regularly it might be another story, but come on. I'd be more worried about a kid that is 100% honest with their parents about anything... that seems alarming. This whole "he lied to me" thing is a non-issue. Of course he did. He didn't want a big deal made of it because he doesn't see it as the big deal she does. Nothing horrible or alarming or unexpected about him trying to keep his pot-smoking quiet.
But I do agree with her stance on her house. It's her house, her rules. If he doesn't like them, he can go. Which is what happened. Hopefully this will be a valuable learning experience for him. But he doesn't "owe" it to her to quit smoking and stay in her home just because of what she has done for him in the past.
Of course kids lie and hide things from their parents. But when it is something that has been going on for a while and the deception has been longer term, yes, trust is lost. Same as if your wife has an affair, she lies about it, you find out, she lies more... your trust in her will certainly be eroded.
He doesn't 'owe' anything to his mother for what she has done for him in the past - again, that is what parents do. What he does owe her is respect. What he does have to do is follow the rules that go in HER house. If stashing drugs in her house and car is against those rules, then those rules go. If being stoned in her home is against the rules, then that goes too.
You can't tell me you never once lied to your parents about what you were doing when you were 20. So I think this whole loss of trust thing is nonsense. Teens and adolescents deceive their parents, they lie and they hid things. It's not some horrible mark on them or some horrible betrayal of their parents. It's just what they do when they want to test waters they know their parents don't approve of. I'm 27 and I still hide the occasional cigarette I smoke from my mom, just because I don't want to get a lecture about it. If I did it regularly it might be another story, but come on. I'd be more worried about a kid that is 100% honest with their parents about anything... that seems alarming. This whole "he lied to me" thing is a non-issue. Of course he did. He didn't want a big deal made of it because he doesn't see it as the big deal she does. Nothing horrible or alarming or unexpected about him trying to keep his pot-smoking quiet.
But I do agree with her stance on her house. It's her house, her rules. If he doesn't like them, he can go. Which is what happened. Hopefully this will be a valuable learning experience for him. But he doesn't "owe" it to her to quit smoking and stay in her home just because of what she has done for him in the past.
Of course kids lie and hide things from their parents. But when it is something that has been going on for a while and the deception has been longer term, yes, trust is lost. Same as if your wife has an affair, she lies about it, you find out, she lies more... your trust in her will certainly be eroded.
He doesn't 'owe' anything to his mother for what she has done for him in the past - again, that is what parents do. What he does owe her is respect. What he does have to do is follow the rules that go in HER house. If stashing drugs in her house and car is against those rules, then those rules go. If being stoned in her home is against the rules, then that goes too.
So he left. Problem solved.
As to your scenario, the wife goes out with the affair. I don't give a fuck about being lied to about it... would it be ok if she told me up front and then went out to fuck some guy? Of course not. So are we saying here that he should have told her he was smoking pot and then all would have been forgiven? That's ridiculous.
As to your scenario, the wife goes out with the affair. I don't give a fuck about being lied to about it... would it be ok if she told me up front and then went out to fuck some guy? Of course not. So are we saying here that he should have told her he was smoking pot and then all would have been forgiven? That's ridiculous.
You may not give a fuck about your wife lying about having an affair... hey... maybe you will be doing the same thing, but any man who loves his wife and thought he had a good marriage would be troubled by the deception. But I understand that you are not 'any man'.
At least if you were told up front that was happening, you would know where you stand and could act upon it accordingly.
And if Keiran's son would have told him mom upfront: 'Mom, I'm gonna do drugs and stash these illegal drugs in your home and your car even if it is something I know really hurts you and is against all your values, what you stand for and what you taught me but I really don't give a fuck about about you and your opinion, your rules and your parenting.', yep, I think it would have made a huge difference in how Keiran would react. Call me naive if you wish....
first of all, it is only pot. i'm sorry, but despite what you may think, unless he's selling it, you aren't really in any legal danger because your son is smoking pot. personally i see nothing wrong with it...that said, if your son is living in your house, you have every right to set the rules and if he doesn't want to follow them he should go support himself. 20 years old? i would think he'd want to get out of his parents house anyway. he also seems to be a bit immature about the whole situation based on the little information you gave, but hey, what do you expect from a 20 year old male?
no excuse to be calling your mother a bitch though. that's wrong.
Obviously...I'm tired of pro-pot folks calling me because I do not support the idea of smoking pot in public...ever...I apologize if I crossed the line in the sand, but the rudeness about my views on pot apparently hit the limit.
Your views on smoking pot in public are not a problem. They're legit. It's the judgments you make about the personality and character of people that indulge in a little pot smoking that is fucking ridiculous. You live in the south right? So you MUST be an inbred, gun-totin, sister-loving redneck right? See how fucking dumb that is?
Sounds about right.... :twisted:
All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a thousand enemies, and whenever they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you, digger, listener, runner, prince with the swift warning. Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be destroyed.
first of all, it is only pot. i'm sorry, but despite what you may think, unless he's selling it, you aren't really in any legal danger because your son is smoking pot. personally i see nothing wrong with it...that said, if your son is living in your house, you have every right to set the rules and if he doesn't want to follow them he should go support himself. 20 years old? i would think he'd want to get out of his parents house anyway. he also seems to be a bit immature about the whole situation based on the little information you gave, but hey, what do you expect from a 20 year old male?
no excuse to be calling your mother a bitch though. that's wrong.
Under it all, Its not about the pot. (granted, she does not allow it in her house/car) Its about respect. She does not allow it around her and him being an "adult" should respect her rules while living there. If you had a an apartment and had room-mate and it was generally understood that no cigarette was allowed and they did it anyway- is that not dis-respectful of the rules that was set down when they moved in? Would you not get upset and give them a choice on what they want to do- stop or move out!
The OP gave him a choice- and that was to leave. It is heartbreaking as a parent to give those options, but it was the right thing for her to do. He will live, learn, and maybe appreciate what his parents did for him.
first of all, it is only pot. i'm sorry, but despite what you may think, unless he's selling it, you aren't really in any legal danger because your son is smoking pot. personally i see nothing wrong with it...that said, if your son is living in your house, you have every right to set the rules and if he doesn't want to follow them he should go support himself. 20 years old? i would think he'd want to get out of his parents house anyway. he also seems to be a bit immature about the whole situation based on the little information you gave, but hey, what do you expect from a 20 year old male?
no excuse to be calling your mother a bitch though. that's wrong.
Under it all, Its not about the pot. (granted, she does not allow it in her house/car) Its about respect. She does not allow it around her and him being an "adult" should respect her rules while living there. If you had a an apartment and had room-mate and it was generally understood that no cigarette was allowed and they did it anyway- is that not dis-respectful of the rules that was set down when they moved in? Would you not get upset and give them a choice on what they want to do- stop or move out!
The OP gave him a choice- and that was to leave. It is heartbreaking as a parent to give those options, but it was the right thing for her to do. He will live, learn, and maybe appreciate what his parents did for him.
that's pretty much what i said myself. i just think maybe she's blowing the whole pot issue a little out of proportion. but yes, i agree that he should respect her rules if he wants to live there. that's why i said, "if your son is living in your house, you have every right to set the rules and if he doesn't want to follow them he should go support himself".
Here is my opinion...probably wont be too popular here but whatever...First, your completely overreacting. I'm not gonna get into the whole pot is not that bad for you thing but if your biggest problem with your kid is that he likes to smoke some weed then you don't really have it that bad. After reading the title I thought that you might actually have a real problem....for example, your son shooting up heroin would constitute be a real problem. No matter how controlling you try to be your son is going to do what he wants. You being a controlling bitch and taking away everything from him is not going to solve the problem, it's just going to make him resent you and have even less respect for you. The fact that you want to drug test your son to see if he is smoking weed is ridiculous and leads me to believe that you are very naive and completely blind to to the realities of a 20 year olds life.
When someone has to plan their life around pot or avoids things because of pot, it IS a problem.
He had to pass up a good opportunity because of drug testing! If it was something HE really wanted to do and didn't persue it because he knew he wouldn't pass... that's very sad and disappointing.
Speaking as a parent, it is very hard to KNOW that your kids are capable of something and see them not apply themselves... to not even TRY is the worst.
When someone has to plan their life around pot or avoids things because of pot, it IS a problem.
He had to pass up a good opportunity because of drug testing! If it was something HE really wanted to do and didn't persue it because he knew he wouldn't pass... that's very sad and disappointing.
Speaking as a parent, it is very hard to KNOW that your kids are capable of something and see them not apply themselves... to not even TRY is the worst.
It's not about pot...it's about having the freedom to make decisions for themselves, to grow or make mistakes. That's how we all learn...from life experienes of our own choosing...not the choices others pick for us. It's called growing up...once your life can no longer fit into the vision your parents have for you and you feel the urge to break free of others rules no matter what hardships it entails...that's the period in our life when we all, at one point or another, set out on our own personal journey made up of all our wishes, desires, mistakes, lessons learned and experience the world on our own terms. That should be everyone's right as an adult. Her son obviously has reached this point or he would have tried to continue the charade and stay on. He manned up and did what he felt it was time to do instead of fighting it. All she can really do now is love, support and watch over him as she sees fit while he sets out on his own, making his way in this world. What our parents want for us is not always going to be the path we will choose....and it will hurt to let go, probably one of the hardest things to face but with a little trust and belief in him, it might just give him some of that unconditional love/support that seems to bring out the best in humanity. People tend to shine when you let them know just how much you love them.
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
-Oscar Wilde
I just want to say that we all must understand how difficult the transition from child to adult is, for both the child and the parent. The chance of it being communally peaceful is pretty slim. We as parents are supposed to teach our children to be ready for the world, and educate them on what is reasonably expected of them, so when they reach that physical age where you assume they'll be ready, and they're not, it's hard.
I thought I was so fucking smart when I was 20. I was responsible compared to my friends, but in reality, I still had a lot to learn. I've got no problem with weed. I don't think weed is the issue here.
The issue here is transition. It's a transition for both the parents and the child, and it's hard, so be fucking kind and understanding. Having kids creates the biggest weakness in someones soul. Just try to be considerate of that.
Best post in all this long thread!
Thanks. It just seems like this thread got turned into a debate about pot and freedom....it really has nothing to do with that, in my opinion.
I just want to say that we all must understand how difficult the transition from child to adult is, for both the child and the parent. The chance of it being communally peaceful is pretty slim. We as parents are supposed to teach our children to be ready for the world, and educate them on what is reasonably expected of them, so when they reach that physical age where you assume they'll be ready, and they're not, it's hard.
I thought I was so fucking smart when I was 20. I was responsible compared to my friends, but in reality, I still had a lot to learn. I've got no problem with weed. I don't think weed is the issue here.
The issue here is transition. It's a transition for both the parents and the child, and it's hard, so be fucking kind and understanding. Having kids creates the biggest weakness in someones soul. Just try to be considerate of that.
Best post in all this long thread!
Thanks. It just seems like this thread got turned into a debate about pot and freedom....it really has nothing to do with that, in my opinion.
I think that it is more than obvious that what is occurring in this situation is a transition...it goes without saying. Anything involving change is a transition. You offer insight to move the discussion beyond that observation and onward towards healing. Simply observing that this is a very painful transition period does nothing to help the OP to better understand what her son might be feeling and look at his choice from a different perspective. I'm using the freedom angle to help show both side of this 'transition' so that we can better represent both sides of this issue instead of just one. I feel that sharing the insight of people that have experienced this transition from the opposing side first hand will be the only way to really help relieve some of the hurt she is feeling. The OP did the right thing for her and her home...that can still co-exist with her son also doing the right thing for himself. Just offering some possible understanding so it might not seem so dire but rather just a part of life that all parents face as their children begin to rely on their own judgement and become ready to finally let go and live their adult life.
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
-Oscar Wilde
Based on the OP, this all started when she told him he needed to get a summer job. Her telling him that he needs to man up and help support himself instead of free loafing on them. They pay for his education, his living, food, laundry, etc.. and what she wanted was for him to get a job. He told her he could not get the dream job because he could not pass a drug test.
It did not seem like she was treating her son less than an adult. Since the dream job was lost, it seems like he would not find any job. And not making the effort to find a job made her confront him. Why continue to provide for him when he is unwilling to provide for himself. If he wants to be treated as an adult, then he can buy his own phone and car.
I don't necessarily see this as a "transition" in growing up in life, but more like a selfish individual who was not taking responsibility for himself and his mom getting fed up about it. They provided for him, he got complacent, and when push came to shove, he chose, in my opinion, the easy way out. Instead of trying to talk it out and come out with a solution that make sense for both of them- he storms off and leaves. Again, his choice.
Its a hard world out there, and in time he may see how much his parents sacrificed for him to make the transition to adulthood a bit easier, by taking the strain out of everyday living.
I'm seeing a lot of blaming the parent, but the kid is to blame for messing up his chances.
Based on the OP, this all started when she told him he needed to get a summer job. Her telling him that he needs to man up and help support himself instead of free loafing on them. They pay for his education, his living, food, laundry, etc.. and what she wanted was for him to get a job. He told her he could not get the dream job because he could not pass a drug test.
It did not seem like she was treating her son less than an adult. Since the dream job was lost, it seems like he would not find any job. And not making the effort to find a job made her confront him. Why continue to provide for him when he is unwilling to provide for himself. If he wants to be treated as an adult, then he can buy his own phone and car.
I don't necessarily see this as a "transition" in growing up in life, but more like a selfish individual who was not taking responsibility for himself and his mom getting fed up about it. They provided for him, he got complacent, and when push came to shove, he chose, in my opinion, the easy way out. Instead of trying to talk it out and come out with a solution that make sense for both of them- he storms off and leaves. Again, his choice.
Its a hard world out there, and in time he may see how much his parents sacrificed for him to make the transition to adulthood a bit easier, by taking the strain out of everyday living.
I'm seeing a lot of blaming the parent, but the kid is to blame for messing up his chances.
First, I'm not blaming anyone. Second, the fact that he chose to leave instead of continuing to live at home where he is comfortable, safe and his needs are provided for him indicates a readiness to let go and make decisions of his own...good or bad these decisions are his life to live, no one else's. Being out there on his own for the first time is most certainly not the 'easy way out'. He let go of all that had been easy in his life thus far and will now have to find ways to provide for himself. That is growing up. You just happen to not agree with the path he chose.
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
-Oscar Wilde
First, I'm not blaming anyone. Second, the fact that he chose to leave instead of continuing to live at home where he is comfortable, safe and his needs are provided for him indicates a readiness to let go and make decisions of his own...good or bad these decisions are his life to live, no one else's. Being out there on his own for the first time is most certainly not the 'easy way out'. He let go of all that had been easy in his life thus far and will now have to find ways to provide for himself. That is growing up. You just happen to not agree with the path he chose.
facing your family when on/addicted to drugs IS the hard way. Whether or not having a comfy bed and meals made for you is the easy way is besides the fact. If he has a drug problem, facing those who love him and want the best for him (him off the drugs and healthy) is INDEED the hardest thing for him... so to be away from them and not have to face the daily reminder that the drugs are running his life is the easy way.... at least for someone in his position.
regardless of what comes about in this thread... I hope OP the is able to know their son is ok... and I "pray" the son will be able to come back around and be with those who love him. It's a painful thing all around... and in the end they all suffer.
"I'm not present, I'm a drug that makes you dream"
First, I'm not blaming anyone. Second, the fact that he chose to leave instead of continuing to live at home where he is comfortable, safe and his needs are provided for him indicates a readiness to let go and make decisions of his own...good or bad these decisions are his life to live, no one else's. Being out there on his own for the first time is most certainly not the 'easy way out'. He let go of all that had been easy in his life thus far and will now have to find ways to provide for himself. That is growing up. You just happen to not agree with the path he chose.
facing your family when on/addicted to drugs IS the hard way. Whether or not having a comfy bed and meals made for you is the easy way is besides the fact. If he has a drug problem, facing those who love him and want the best for him (him off the drugs and healthy) is INDEED the hardest thing for him... so to be away from them and not have to face the daily reminder that the drugs are running his life is the easy way.... at least for someone in his position.
regardless of what comes about in this thread... I hope OP the is able to know their son is ok... and I "pray" the son will be able to come back around and be with those who love him. It's a painful thing all around... and in the end they all suffer.
Jeez. He's smoking a little pot...it's not like it's heroin or meth. The overreactions and misconceptions about weed in this thread are archaic and hilarious! It's obvious that many commenting have no idea about the drug or it's effects. You get the munchies, giggle a lot and get lazy. MOST kids experiment with it in their teen and college years...it's perfectly normal. Granted there's always some the abuse whatever they do, alcohol included...but this thread isn't about what a lazy, couch potato, pothead her son has become. Actually he came across like a bright and capable young person who just happened to choose to go against his parents wishes.
I think that it is more than obvious that what is occurring in this situation is a transition...it goes without saying. Anything involving change is a transition. You offer insight to move the discussion beyond that observation and onward towards healing. Simply observing that this is a very painful transition period does nothing to help the OP to better understand what her son might be feeling and look at his choice from a different perspective. I'm using the freedom angle to help show both side of this 'transition' so that we can better represent both sides of this issue instead of just one. I feel that sharing the insight of people that have experienced this transition from the opposing side first hand will be the only way to really help relieve some of the hurt she is feeling. The OP did the right thing for her and her home...that can still co-exist with her son also doing the right thing for himself. Just offering some possible understanding so it might not seem so dire but rather just a part of life that all parents face as their children begin to rely on their own judgement and become ready to finally let go and live their adult life.
I don't think it's as obvious to everyone....and especially not the people involved. I think when someone is in the situation it's harder to look at the big picture. Thats why I made to comment, for the OP. When the people involved can look at theor situation and understand the deeper issue it can dull the emotional aspects, like a math problem that needs a solution. And although it's not always healthy take emotions out of the equation, it does offer an easier platform to figure out a solution.
If the OP can put herself back to that point in her life, and understand her sons mindset, maybe it will be that much easier to find a solution. And I see nothing wrong with moving towards healing since the OP has had the pleasure of reading eight pages of discussion from a lot of bright people.
First, I'm not blaming anyone. Second, the fact that he chose to leave instead of continuing to live at home where he is comfortable, safe and his needs are provided for him indicates a readiness to let go and make decisions of his own...good or bad these decisions are his life to live, no one else's. Being out there on his own for the first time is most certainly not the 'easy way out'. He let go of all that had been easy in his life thus far and will now have to find ways to provide for himself. That is growing up. You just happen to not agree with the path he chose.
I'm not saying that you are blaming the parent, but the overall vibe I get on this thread is that- oh she was to controlling of him and should let him go to spread his wings. Oh its a little pot- no harm/no foul. But it is harming him- he can't get the job in his field that "HE" wants. So there is a problem.
The fact is that he got caught doing something that he knew his parents did not approve of, instead of acting like an "adult" and talking about it with his parents, looking for options, he has a "tantrum" and storms off. Dealing with a situation, acting mature- is harder to do than just walking away (IMHO). Yes it is his choice to go this way, but there is always a smarter way to go about things.
Again, he will learn what it takes to live out in society without the help from his parents. Will he grow from that? Maybe- its based on his wiliness to move past his anger at his parents, willing to clean himself up to get a decent job, and maybe in time talk to them.
Jeez. He's smoking a little pot...it's not like it's heroin or meth. The overreactions and misconceptions about weed in this thread are archaic and hilarious! It's obvious that many commenting have no idea about the drug or it's effects. You get the munchies, giggle a lot and get lazy. MOST kids experiment with it in their teen and college years...it's perfectly normal.
I'm afraid, whether one likes it or not, pot is not that innocent. Medical research has shown it's not just the munchies and the giggles unfortunately.
In any case whether one thinks pot is harmless or not, it is a drug. When one applies for a job and needs to do a drug test, it will cost him/her a potential opportunity to make a life of his/her own. Therefore it is a HUGE problem.
Title says it all. Willing to throw away free room /board/food/laundry and the fully paid college tuition bill courtesy of his dad an me. He has too much dignity to be drug tested. Yet not enough character to not have every sound that comes from his mouth be couched in a lie.
And yeah, it's only pot, it's cool. Well, it's not. It doesn't matter if it's no less harmful than alcohol or cigarettes, it's illegal. A stupid law is still a law and breaking it can only lead to trouble - trouble that I'm not willing to have or fund.
I feel like throwing up and my heart hurts. He's not a child, he's 20. And yet in so many ways more foolish than an toddler. Made him give me back the keys to my car and his cell phone. I figure he wants to be a man and not have any input from "the controlling bitch" then he doesn't need access things he didn't pay for.
I feel like I'm in a pit of nightmares and my soul is being torn apart by jackals. I don't know if I should cry or spit from anger.
I truly do feel for you and it's unfortunate that your son isn't as smart as he thinks he is and is firmly placed in "reality" instead of the world he thinks he sees it as. Weed, although harmless IMO, is illegal. It ain't right but until marijuana laws are ease up throughout the country, if you want to smoke it, you have to be smart about it.
I will be laid off soon and every online app I fill out, the employer ask if I am willing to submit to a drug test. Hellz yeah! I've had to take drug test for each job in the past 15 years and I'll keep doing so. I have nothing to hide. Once I have been hired into a company, then I will continue my once in a blue moon fun vice, but there are times when self-restraint on, again, an ILLEGAL activity, must be curbed in order to find and maintain a job.
Hopefully your son will swallow of good dose of reality and apologize to his family and get back on the right track. I'd hate to think that the must harmful of drugs is a gateway to a young person's downfall in life. It makes no sense.
~*~Me and Hippiemom dranketh the red wine in Cleveland 2003~*~
First PJ Show: March 20, 1994 | Ann Arbor | Crisler Arena
Title says it all. Willing to throw away free room /board/food/laundry and the fully paid college tuition bill courtesy of his dad an me. He has too much dignity to be drug tested. Yet not enough character to not have every sound that comes from his mouth be couched in a lie.
And yeah, it's only pot, it's cool. Well, it's not. It doesn't matter if it's no less harmful than alcohol or cigarettes, it's illegal. A stupid law is still a law and breaking it can only lead to trouble - trouble that I'm not willing to have or fund.
I feel like throwing up and my heart hurts. He's not a child, he's 20. And yet in so many ways more foolish than an toddler. Made him give me back the keys to my car and his cell phone. I figure he wants to be a man and not have any input from "the controlling bitch" then he doesn't need access things he didn't pay for.
I feel like I'm in a pit of nightmares and my soul is being torn apart by jackals. I don't know if I should cry or spit from anger.
I truly do feel for you and it's unfortunate that your son isn't as smart as he thinks he is and is firmly placed in "reality" instead of the world he thinks he sees it as. Weed, although harmless IMO, is illegal. It ain't right but until marijuana laws are ease up throughout the country, if you want to smoke it, you have to be smart about it.
I will be laid off soon and every online app I fill out, the employer ask if I am willing to submit to a drug test. Hellz yeah! I've had to take drug test for each job in the past 15 years and I'll keep doing so. I have nothing to hide. Once I have been hired into a company, then I will continue my once in a blue moon fun vice, but there are times when self-restraint on, again, an ILLEGAL activity, must be curbed in order to find and maintain a job.
Hopefully your son will swallow of good dose of reality and apologize to his family and get back on the right track. I'd hate to think that the must harmful of drugs is a gateway to a young person's downfall in life. It makes no sense.
great post, and truly gets to the heart of the matter. it's not about what kind of drug MJ is, but more about the reality; it IS illegal, and the ramafications of that...for this son, and for this family. that does seem to be the real crux of the issue and i agree, hope all works out for all involved.
You may not give a fuck about your wife lying about having an affair... hey... maybe you will be doing the same thing, but any man who loves his wife and thought he had a good marriage would be troubled by the deception. But I understand that you are not 'any man'.
At least if you were told up front that was happening, you would know where you stand and could act upon it accordingly.
And if Keiran's son would have told him mom upfront: 'Mom, I'm gonna do drugs and stash these illegal drugs in your home and your car even if it is something I know really hurts you and is against all your values, what you stand for and what you taught me but I really don't give a fuck about about you and your opinion, your rules and your parenting.', yep, I think it would have made a huge difference in how Keiran would react. Call me naive if you wish....
Yeah, she would have kicked him out probably. Same result. The only thing the "deception" affected was when it happened.
You people are a bunch of hypocrites. I love how people admit to lying plenty to their own parents to avoid trouble, but once their kid does it to them it's some gross sign of disrespect and selfish ingratitude. Bullshit. It's teens being teens and anyone that takes it as some sort of surprise is a moron. If they think they're going to get in trouble, they're not going to tell you. And that's a good thing. Because if they did, that means your kid probably isn't all there in the head.
As to my hypothetical wife, what I don't know doesn't hurt me. And if I'm going to divorce her for it anyway, what difference does it make if I find out before or after it happens? The hurt is the fact that it happened. Someone lying about it is just human nature, and anyone that tells you different (people should ALWAYS tell you in advance if they're going to do something you don't like!) is either selling something or delusional.
First, I'm not blaming anyone. Second, the fact that he chose to leave instead of continuing to live at home where he is comfortable, safe and his needs are provided for him indicates a readiness to let go and make decisions of his own...good or bad these decisions are his life to live, no one else's. Being out there on his own for the first time is most certainly not the 'easy way out'. He let go of all that had been easy in his life thus far and will now have to find ways to provide for himself. That is growing up. You just happen to not agree with the path he chose.
I'm not saying that you are blaming the parent, but the overall vibe I get on this thread is that- oh she was to controlling of him and should let him go to spread his wings. Oh its a little pot- no harm/no foul. But it is harming him- he can't get the job in his field that "HE" wants. So there is a problem.
The fact is that he got caught doing something that he knew his parents did not approve of, instead of acting like an "adult" and talking about it with his parents, looking for options, he has a "tantrum" and storms off. Dealing with a situation, acting mature- is harder to do than just walking away (IMHO). Yes it is his choice to go this way, but there is always a smarter way to go about things.
Again, he will learn what it takes to live out in society without the help from his parents. Will he grow from that? Maybe- its based on his wiliness to move past his anger at his parents, willing to clean himself up to get a decent job, and maybe in time talk to them.
The overall vibe I get is not that she is being controlling, but that what her son is doing is rather normal and that her dramatic reaction ("I will probably NEVER see him again") is a huge overreaction to what is, in the end, a pretty small and typical problem at this age.
And if you're going to fault his reaction as "having a tantrum and storming out," how about her reaction of finding out and then demanding that he either submit to her drug tests or get out of the house? He DID come clean with her... he told her why he was having trouble finding a job. Sounds like he was making an attempt to talk about things and her reaction was not to talk but to lay down the authoritarian law on pain of eviction. Like I said, it's her right to do so. But you can't have your cake and eat it too. She thought she'd play hardball and win, but she found out she can't coerce her son into making the decisions she wants, and he found out he couldn't do whatever he wanted in the house and mom would roll over for it. They both have tested each other's limits, and in the long run, this will be a good thing for both of them. He will have to learn to live on his own without mom and dad's support, and she will learn in the future that the days of laying down the law don't work when the other person can just walk away.
You may not give a fuck about your wife lying about having an affair... hey... maybe you will be doing the same thing, but any man who loves his wife and thought he had a good marriage would be troubled by the deception. But I understand that you are not 'any man'.
At least if you were told up front that was happening, you would know where you stand and could act upon it accordingly.
And if Keiran's son would have told him mom upfront: 'Mom, I'm gonna do drugs and stash these illegal drugs in your home and your car even if it is something I know really hurts you and is against all your values, what you stand for and what you taught me but I really don't give a fuck about about you and your opinion, your rules and your parenting.', yep, I think it would have made a huge difference in how Keiran would react. Call me naive if you wish....
Yeah, she would have kicked him out probably. Same result. The only thing the "deception" affected was when it happened.
You people are a bunch of hypocrites. I love how people admit to lying plenty to their own parents to avoid trouble, but once their kid does it to them it's some gross sign of disrespect and selfish ingratitude. Bullshit. It's teens being teens and anyone that takes it as some sort of surprise is a moron. If they think they're going to get in trouble, they're not going to tell you. And that's a good thing. Because if they did, that means your kid probably isn't all there in the head.
As to my hypothetical wife, what I don't know doesn't hurt me. And if I'm going to divorce her for it anyway, what difference does it make if I find out before or after it happens? The hurt is the fact that it happened. Someone lying about it is just human nature, and anyone that tells you different (people should ALWAYS tell you in advance if they're going to do something you don't like!) is either selling something or delusional.
if one is truly smart about it, one never need to lie.
seriously, i NEVER lied to my parents about such things, simply b/c i never got asked. why? b/c i was smart about it. there really is a whole bunch of stuff that my parents didn't know b/c they didn't ask...and i certainly wasn't volunteering the info either. while i get your point....i think a lot of people simply see it differently, and perhaps many of em didn't smoke or use any drugs, or were more upfront with their parents...who knows? as to kieran's story.....yes, absolutely her right to do what she did, and absolutely the son's right to do what he did. i simply think she laments that it ever got to this point. no matter what one's own background, i guess parents always hope things won't go down like this. obviously, it's still fresh and new, so that could have a lot to do with her reaction......
if one is truly smart about it, one never need to lie.
seriously, i NEVER lied to my parents about such things, simply b/c i never got asked. why? b/c i was smart about it. there really is a whole bunch of stuff that my parents didn't know b/c they didn't ask...and i certainly wasn't volunteering the info either. while i get your point....i think a lot of people simply see it differently, and perhaps many of em didn't smoke or use any drugs, or were more upfront with their parents...who knows? as to kieran's story.....yes, absolutely her right to do what she did, and absolutely the son's right to do what he did. i simply think she laments that it ever got to this point. no matter what one's own background, i guess parents always hope things won't go down like this. obviously, it's still fresh and new, so that could have a lot to do with her reaction......
yes!!
my folks don't most of what i did when i lived under their roof...and kieran's reaction is because it just happened and is in shock somewhat
Comments
I agree with you on the second part. Thank you for clearing that up for me because it seemed off to me. I'm in the adult-adult side of things so maybe that's why it was hard to get at first. And as for who your children are hanging out with, if you say "no" you mean no. That was never a problem for me as a kid. Redrock, you seem like a great parent and I was just trying to get my side out. My relationship with my parents is great and it's due to some of the choices they let me make as I got older. I know parents who have chosen which college their kid would attend and there was no difference in money. Some things just seem a bid sad when the kid has no rights at all.
There are some domineering parents, some 'couldn't care less' parents, etc. But in general a parent has a bit more foresight than their kid and will endeavour to help them as much as possible. Parents are not infallible - far from that. We make mistakes as well.
When you say 'And as for who your children are hanging out with, if you say "no" you mean no. That was never a problem for me as a kid', some posters seem to have problems with that kind of 'rule' or discipline, ie let your kid find out for himself/herself....
I hope I am a good parent. My daughter is 'only' 14 but as she has always been able to have a choice (albeit sometimes very limited due to her age). I have 'let' her make the wrong choice too - as long as there were no dire/important consequences - because kids HAVE to learn. There are things she is NOT allowed to do, things she MUST do and things that are OK at home but not elsewhere (for example she is allowed wine at home - within reason with a sunday meal for example, but she knows she is not of legal drinking age..) but she has a lot of freedom. There are things some of her friends do behind their parents back which, for her, are just not worth the deception (especially drinking). I'm hoping that the values she is being taught will carry over to adulthood.
Your views on smoking pot in public are not a problem. They're legit. It's the judgments you make about the personality and character of people that indulge in a little pot smoking that is fucking ridiculous. You live in the south right? So you MUST be an inbred, gun-totin, sister-loving redneck right? See how fucking dumb that is?
Odd that I'm almost on the opposite page. You can't tell me you never once lied to your parents about what you were doing when you were 20. So I think this whole loss of trust thing is nonsense. Teens and adolescents deceive their parents, they lie and they hid things. It's not some horrible mark on them or some horrible betrayal of their parents. It's just what they do when they want to test waters they know their parents don't approve of. I'm 27 and I still hide the occasional cigarette I smoke from my mom, just because I don't want to get a lecture about it. If I did it regularly it might be another story, but come on. I'd be more worried about a kid that is 100% honest with their parents about anything... that seems alarming. This whole "he lied to me" thing is a non-issue. Of course he did. He didn't want a big deal made of it because he doesn't see it as the big deal she does. Nothing horrible or alarming or unexpected about him trying to keep his pot-smoking quiet.
But I do agree with her stance on her house. It's her house, her rules. If he doesn't like them, he can go. Which is what happened. Hopefully this will be a valuable learning experience for him. But he doesn't "owe" it to her to quit smoking and stay in her home just because of what she has done for him in the past.
Of course kids lie and hide things from their parents. But when it is something that has been going on for a while and the deception has been longer term, yes, trust is lost. Same as if your wife has an affair, she lies about it, you find out, she lies more... your trust in her will certainly be eroded.
He doesn't 'owe' anything to his mother for what she has done for him in the past - again, that is what parents do. What he does owe her is respect. What he does have to do is follow the rules that go in HER house. If stashing drugs in her house and car is against those rules, then those rules go. If being stoned in her home is against the rules, then that goes too.
So he left. Problem solved.
As to your scenario, the wife goes out with the affair. I don't give a fuck about being lied to about it... would it be ok if she told me up front and then went out to fuck some guy? Of course not. So are we saying here that he should have told her he was smoking pot and then all would have been forgiven? That's ridiculous.
You're not a parent, are you?
You may not give a fuck about your wife lying about having an affair... hey... maybe you will be doing the same thing, but any man who loves his wife and thought he had a good marriage would be troubled by the deception. But I understand that you are not 'any man'.
At least if you were told up front that was happening, you would know where you stand and could act upon it accordingly.
And if Keiran's son would have told him mom upfront: 'Mom, I'm gonna do drugs and stash these illegal drugs in your home and your car even if it is something I know really hurts you and is against all your values, what you stand for and what you taught me but I really don't give a fuck about about you and your opinion, your rules and your parenting.', yep, I think it would have made a huge difference in how Keiran would react. Call me naive if you wish....
no excuse to be calling your mother a bitch though. that's wrong.
Under it all, Its not about the pot. (granted, she does not allow it in her house/car) Its about respect. She does not allow it around her and him being an "adult" should respect her rules while living there. If you had a an apartment and had room-mate and it was generally understood that no cigarette was allowed and they did it anyway- is that not dis-respectful of the rules that was set down when they moved in? Would you not get upset and give them a choice on what they want to do- stop or move out!
The OP gave him a choice- and that was to leave. It is heartbreaking as a parent to give those options, but it was the right thing for her to do. He will live, learn, and maybe appreciate what his parents did for him.
that's pretty much what i said myself. i just think maybe she's blowing the whole pot issue a little out of proportion. but yes, i agree that he should respect her rules if he wants to live there. that's why i said, "if your son is living in your house, you have every right to set the rules and if he doesn't want to follow them he should go support himself".
He had to pass up a good opportunity because of drug testing! If it was something HE really wanted to do and didn't persue it because he knew he wouldn't pass... that's very sad and disappointing.
Speaking as a parent, it is very hard to KNOW that your kids are capable of something and see them not apply themselves... to not even TRY is the worst.
It's not about pot...it's about having the freedom to make decisions for themselves, to grow or make mistakes. That's how we all learn...from life experienes of our own choosing...not the choices others pick for us. It's called growing up...once your life can no longer fit into the vision your parents have for you and you feel the urge to break free of others rules no matter what hardships it entails...that's the period in our life when we all, at one point or another, set out on our own personal journey made up of all our wishes, desires, mistakes, lessons learned and experience the world on our own terms. That should be everyone's right as an adult. Her son obviously has reached this point or he would have tried to continue the charade and stay on. He manned up and did what he felt it was time to do instead of fighting it. All she can really do now is love, support and watch over him as she sees fit while he sets out on his own, making his way in this world. What our parents want for us is not always going to be the path we will choose....and it will hurt to let go, probably one of the hardest things to face but with a little trust and belief in him, it might just give him some of that unconditional love/support that seems to bring out the best in humanity. People tend to shine when you let them know just how much you love them.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
-Oscar Wilde
Thanks. It just seems like this thread got turned into a debate about pot and freedom....it really has nothing to do with that, in my opinion.
I think that it is more than obvious that what is occurring in this situation is a transition...it goes without saying. Anything involving change is a transition. You offer insight to move the discussion beyond that observation and onward towards healing. Simply observing that this is a very painful transition period does nothing to help the OP to better understand what her son might be feeling and look at his choice from a different perspective. I'm using the freedom angle to help show both side of this 'transition' so that we can better represent both sides of this issue instead of just one. I feel that sharing the insight of people that have experienced this transition from the opposing side first hand will be the only way to really help relieve some of the hurt she is feeling. The OP did the right thing for her and her home...that can still co-exist with her son also doing the right thing for himself. Just offering some possible understanding so it might not seem so dire but rather just a part of life that all parents face as their children begin to rely on their own judgement and become ready to finally let go and live their adult life.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
-Oscar Wilde
It did not seem like she was treating her son less than an adult. Since the dream job was lost, it seems like he would not find any job. And not making the effort to find a job made her confront him. Why continue to provide for him when he is unwilling to provide for himself. If he wants to be treated as an adult, then he can buy his own phone and car.
I don't necessarily see this as a "transition" in growing up in life, but more like a selfish individual who was not taking responsibility for himself and his mom getting fed up about it. They provided for him, he got complacent, and when push came to shove, he chose, in my opinion, the easy way out. Instead of trying to talk it out and come out with a solution that make sense for both of them- he storms off and leaves. Again, his choice.
Its a hard world out there, and in time he may see how much his parents sacrificed for him to make the transition to adulthood a bit easier, by taking the strain out of everyday living.
I'm seeing a lot of blaming the parent, but the kid is to blame for messing up his chances.
First, I'm not blaming anyone. Second, the fact that he chose to leave instead of continuing to live at home where he is comfortable, safe and his needs are provided for him indicates a readiness to let go and make decisions of his own...good or bad these decisions are his life to live, no one else's. Being out there on his own for the first time is most certainly not the 'easy way out'. He let go of all that had been easy in his life thus far and will now have to find ways to provide for himself. That is growing up. You just happen to not agree with the path he chose.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
-Oscar Wilde
regardless of what comes about in this thread... I hope OP the is able to know their son is ok... and I "pray" the son will be able to come back around and be with those who love him. It's a painful thing all around... and in the end they all suffer.
Jeez. He's smoking a little pot...it's not like it's heroin or meth. The overreactions and misconceptions about weed in this thread are archaic and hilarious! It's obvious that many commenting have no idea about the drug or it's effects. You get the munchies, giggle a lot and get lazy. MOST kids experiment with it in their teen and college years...it's perfectly normal. Granted there's always some the abuse whatever they do, alcohol included...but this thread isn't about what a lazy, couch potato, pothead her son has become. Actually he came across like a bright and capable young person who just happened to choose to go against his parents wishes.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bM_vLk1I6G4
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KLUmpGOLdgo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WftfhhESyys
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
-Oscar Wilde
I don't think it's as obvious to everyone....and especially not the people involved. I think when someone is in the situation it's harder to look at the big picture. Thats why I made to comment, for the OP. When the people involved can look at theor situation and understand the deeper issue it can dull the emotional aspects, like a math problem that needs a solution. And although it's not always healthy take emotions out of the equation, it does offer an easier platform to figure out a solution.
If the OP can put herself back to that point in her life, and understand her sons mindset, maybe it will be that much easier to find a solution. And I see nothing wrong with moving towards healing since the OP has had the pleasure of reading eight pages of discussion from a lot of bright people.
I'm not saying that you are blaming the parent, but the overall vibe I get on this thread is that- oh she was to controlling of him and should let him go to spread his wings. Oh its a little pot- no harm/no foul. But it is harming him- he can't get the job in his field that "HE" wants. So there is a problem.
The fact is that he got caught doing something that he knew his parents did not approve of, instead of acting like an "adult" and talking about it with his parents, looking for options, he has a "tantrum" and storms off. Dealing with a situation, acting mature- is harder to do than just walking away (IMHO). Yes it is his choice to go this way, but there is always a smarter way to go about things.
Again, he will learn what it takes to live out in society without the help from his parents. Will he grow from that? Maybe- its based on his wiliness to move past his anger at his parents, willing to clean himself up to get a decent job, and maybe in time talk to them.
I'm afraid, whether one likes it or not, pot is not that innocent. Medical research has shown it's not just the munchies and the giggles unfortunately.
In any case whether one thinks pot is harmless or not, it is a drug. When one applies for a job and needs to do a drug test, it will cost him/her a potential opportunity to make a life of his/her own. Therefore it is a HUGE problem.
That's all.
I truly do feel for you and it's unfortunate that your son isn't as smart as he thinks he is and is firmly placed in "reality" instead of the world he thinks he sees it as. Weed, although harmless IMO, is illegal. It ain't right but until marijuana laws are ease up throughout the country, if you want to smoke it, you have to be smart about it.
I will be laid off soon and every online app I fill out, the employer ask if I am willing to submit to a drug test. Hellz yeah! I've had to take drug test for each job in the past 15 years and I'll keep doing so. I have nothing to hide. Once I have been hired into a company, then I will continue my once in a blue moon fun vice, but there are times when self-restraint on, again, an ILLEGAL activity, must be curbed in order to find and maintain a job.
Hopefully your son will swallow of good dose of reality and apologize to his family and get back on the right track. I'd hate to think that the must harmful of drugs is a gateway to a young person's downfall in life. It makes no sense.
First PJ Show: March 20, 1994 | Ann Arbor | Crisler Arena
great post, and truly gets to the heart of the matter. it's not about what kind of drug MJ is, but more about the reality; it IS illegal, and the ramafications of that...for this son, and for this family. that does seem to be the real crux of the issue and i agree, hope all works out for all involved.
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
Yeah, she would have kicked him out probably. Same result. The only thing the "deception" affected was when it happened.
You people are a bunch of hypocrites. I love how people admit to lying plenty to their own parents to avoid trouble, but once their kid does it to them it's some gross sign of disrespect and selfish ingratitude. Bullshit. It's teens being teens and anyone that takes it as some sort of surprise is a moron. If they think they're going to get in trouble, they're not going to tell you. And that's a good thing. Because if they did, that means your kid probably isn't all there in the head.
As to my hypothetical wife, what I don't know doesn't hurt me. And if I'm going to divorce her for it anyway, what difference does it make if I find out before or after it happens? The hurt is the fact that it happened. Someone lying about it is just human nature, and anyone that tells you different (people should ALWAYS tell you in advance if they're going to do something you don't like!) is either selling something or delusional.
The overall vibe I get is not that she is being controlling, but that what her son is doing is rather normal and that her dramatic reaction ("I will probably NEVER see him again") is a huge overreaction to what is, in the end, a pretty small and typical problem at this age.
And if you're going to fault his reaction as "having a tantrum and storming out," how about her reaction of finding out and then demanding that he either submit to her drug tests or get out of the house? He DID come clean with her... he told her why he was having trouble finding a job. Sounds like he was making an attempt to talk about things and her reaction was not to talk but to lay down the authoritarian law on pain of eviction. Like I said, it's her right to do so. But you can't have your cake and eat it too. She thought she'd play hardball and win, but she found out she can't coerce her son into making the decisions she wants, and he found out he couldn't do whatever he wanted in the house and mom would roll over for it. They both have tested each other's limits, and in the long run, this will be a good thing for both of them. He will have to learn to live on his own without mom and dad's support, and she will learn in the future that the days of laying down the law don't work when the other person can just walk away.
if one is truly smart about it, one never need to lie.
seriously, i NEVER lied to my parents about such things, simply b/c i never got asked. why? b/c i was smart about it. there really is a whole bunch of stuff that my parents didn't know b/c they didn't ask...and i certainly wasn't volunteering the info either. while i get your point....i think a lot of people simply see it differently, and perhaps many of em didn't smoke or use any drugs, or were more upfront with their parents...who knows? as to kieran's story.....yes, absolutely her right to do what she did, and absolutely the son's right to do what he did. i simply think she laments that it ever got to this point. no matter what one's own background, i guess parents always hope things won't go down like this. obviously, it's still fresh and new, so that could have a lot to do with her reaction......
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
yes!!
my folks don't most of what i did when i lived under their roof...and kieran's reaction is because it just happened and is in shock somewhat