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Son just left home because of drugs
Keiran
Posts: 393
Title says it all. Willing to throw away free room /board/food/laundry and the fully paid college tuition bill courtesy of his dad an me. He has too much dignity to be drug tested. Yet not enough character to not have every sound that comes from his mouth be couched in a lie.
And yeah, it's only pot, it's cool. Well, it's not. It doesn't matter if it's no less harmful than alcohol or cigarettes, it's illegal. A stupid law is still a law and breaking it can only lead to trouble - trouble that I'm not willing to have or fund.
I feel like throwing up and my heart hurts. He's not a child, he's 20. And yet in so many ways more foolish than an toddler. Made him give me back the keys to my car and his cell phone. I figure he wants to be a man and not have any input from "the controlling bitch" then he doesn't need access things he didn't pay for.
I feel like I'm in a pit of nightmares and my soul is being torn apart by jackals. I don't know if I should cry or spit from anger.
And yeah, it's only pot, it's cool. Well, it's not. It doesn't matter if it's no less harmful than alcohol or cigarettes, it's illegal. A stupid law is still a law and breaking it can only lead to trouble - trouble that I'm not willing to have or fund.
I feel like throwing up and my heart hurts. He's not a child, he's 20. And yet in so many ways more foolish than an toddler. Made him give me back the keys to my car and his cell phone. I figure he wants to be a man and not have any input from "the controlling bitch" then he doesn't need access things he didn't pay for.
I feel like I'm in a pit of nightmares and my soul is being torn apart by jackals. I don't know if I should cry or spit from anger.
I wish a guy like Eddie, would like me.
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cant say ill miss her... which makes me feel guilty... but i shouldnt... this is nothing new... its hell for my parents... its been rough on me
i feel for ya... best of luck! all you can really do in these situations is hope they can come out of it once they hit rock bottom... its sucks
http://seanbriceart.com/
its not part of growing up... its straight up ingrateful... theres no reason to put your parents through the kind of hell the OP is going through
whether its pot, pills, or meth you live under their roof and have your tuition paid for you should be grateful enough to abide by their rules... or atleast smart enough not to get caught...
im 21 years old and thats common sense to me and the people i associate with
http://seanbriceart.com/
be cool. don't lay down your authority. talk to him as an equal.
tell him that pot will lead to massive bouts of paranoia if he ever decides to quit. which could lead to more serious things like schizophrenia and mental illness.
if you take drugs at that age, you need to take legal drugs to treat the damage you do to your brain 10 years down the road. its where i am. pot, coke, i love all that shit, but it fucks up your brain, and maybe if he had the right education about it he might think twice. probably not, but its worth a shot.
i drove 1000 miles from home when i was 20, just to get away form my controlling parents. had they treated me with a little more respect i might have listened to them. instead they acted as you did, laying down the law-"no phone, no car"....etc. its bullshit. treat him like an adult capable of making his own decisions.
not trying to tell you how to be a parent, i'm just telling you how i wish my parents had treated me when i was that age. could have avoided all kinds of terrible things down the road. they were so set on establishing hteir authority they forgot to treat me like an individual. and fuck that. authority was the last thing i needed. I got a car, got some gas, and got out of there. fast.
Ignorant? Have you ever been to rehab? Battled drug addiction? REAL drug addiction? Battled your parents, family, and loved ones through it? Heard and given all the excuses? I've LIVED it my man. My opinion is anything but ignorant on this subject. Easy to say not to get caught, but the first thing to go is memory... "shit, where'd I put that pipe... oh no!"
"He should be grateful"... says you. Maybe he just looked at it different and decided the free stuff wasn't worth the toll it took on his freedom and social life. Maybe it's a bad decision, maybe it's not. But she can't make it for him and he's old enough to make the call himself. The training wheels have to come off some day. Smoking a bit of pot is not HELL. If the guy was headed off to shoot heroin on the street, that'd be one thing. But he's a college kid smoking a bit of weed. If him moving out into his own place or with friends to party a bit in college is the worst problem she has to confront as a parent, she is a very lucky parent indeed. Sure, it's a bummer, but it's a long way from the end of the world or his life or any absurd histrionics.
You can't be serious. This is like the worst sort of made-up, bullshit DARE propaganda bullshit imaginable and if she says that to him it's only going to reinforce his belief that she has no fucking clue what she's talking about.
Agreed, but there also has to be proportionality. And you also have to be prepared that if you lay down and ultimatum, you might not get the answer you're trying to force. Staying involved is a good thing.
ive lived on the other side of it "my man" so i can relate to the OP more than i can to you
i dont think its a matter of opinion... "toll on his freedom and social life"?? thats fuckin childish... theres people all around the world that would kill for the opportunity this kid has... theres plenty of time for freedom after school... hell, college alone is freedom enough! doesnt sound like the OP was really all that smothering... just looking out for the kids best interest... running away is taking the easiest possible route
http://seanbriceart.com/
EXACTLY. I did learn plenty from LIVING IT. NOT from my parents telling me what they thought I should be doing. You can't force people to share your values or just drill wisdom into their brain. Wisdom comes from experience. That comes from occasionally making bad decisions and suffering the consequences. Like I said, he moved out because his mom didn't want him getting stoned in the house. Hardly a mind-blowing catastrophe for an American college kid. How many college apartments and dorms around this country are centered around bongs right now? Maybe it's a dumb decision, but it's his dumb call and he needs to make it and see how it plays out. Maybe he'll be fine and her worry will count for nothing. Or maybe he'll end up broke as shit in a few months and realize he made a stupid mistake and the occasional bake session wasn't worth it. Either way, he needs to live his life. And if it leads him down the path to being a junkie or something, then locking him in his bedroom at home as 20 year old is not going to keep him in line... only destroy any hope of him EVER being willing to listen to his parents down the line.
At 21, you have children that ran out on you to do drugs?
My husband is out of town on business and I just felt very alone. I thought I could come here and maybe . . . I don't know what I thought.
I do know that I did the best I could, I gave every thing I had, obviously I've made mistakes and that has led to this. I don't mean to sound dramatic but it's a very painful revelation. And one I will live with for the rest of my life. I only wanted the best for my son and now I must accept that he didn't.
I know this is a public forum and everyone has the right to post their opinions. But, please, there's no more reason for fighting. I'm sorry.
Whoa whoa whoa, your college age son experimenting with pot does not make you some sort of failure as a parent. No need to beat yourself up so much. I think most people experiment with it at some point in high school or college. I know you wanted the best for him, but he doesn't see it that way. That's no fault of yours... he's his own person. And he may yet come around to your point of view given time and space.
*edit*
Interesting, you may be right on this. I'd heard such rumors, but believed they were urban legends. I still question some of the conclusions they draw, but the results are pretty dramatic:
http://www.reuters.com/article/healthNe ... 2820070726
no. I take legal meds to deal with the fact that i'm not taking illegal drugs.
and its lifelong. I'm stuck taking these goddamn pills probably for the rest of my life, and its because i had a little too much fun in my 20's.
I believe you, but you mentioned cocaine and other drugs. Seems a bit arbitrary to ascribe all your troubles to one drug among many.
like i said in my first post, my kid sister just ran out... ive been doing a good bit of parenting the past 4 or 5 years when my parents arent around... just the usual concerned older brother shit... definitely lived and witnessed the other side enough to have an opinion on it...
i definitely see where youre coming from on learning from your own mistakes... but in retrospect you dont wish you had listened to your parents in the first place instead of having to go through hell and back to learn? especially for something as trivial as pot? (we can agree that smoking pots nothing major in the right context) its not physically addictive... no reason you cant go without having it in your parents house (which i assume is how he got caught)... not saying he cant sit around and smoke with his buddies... obviously college kids are gonna do that... but its seems like hes the one with his priorities out of wack if hes gonna give up his future for such a mainstream, stupid fuckin drug... this kindof behavior is more in keeping with someone doing some heavier shit... "boo hoo i cant smoke my pot in my parents house" sorry frat boy... get over it... thats pretty much why im siding exclusively with the parents in this case... though i guess i would side with the parents in the majority of these situations
glad you got through your shit and it made you a stronger person
we'll just have to agree to disagree here obviously... sorry if i got heated with my previous posts
http://seanbriceart.com/
No, I don't wish I'd listened to my parents. It ended up biting me, but I also had a lot of fun out there for a while. Great experiences and wonderful friends are mixed in with some of the horrors and jailtime and so forth. And the experiences I had, good and bad, gave me a better understanding of a number of walks of life I'd otherwise never have seen. If he's living at home at 20, maybe he just feels the need to flex his independence muscles finally. Who knows? Bottom line is, it's his decision and even making bad decisions can be valuable and worthwhile in the long run.
I used that argument on my rehab counselor once... if I'm so messed up I'm going to need anti-anxiety meds or whatever for the rest of my life, what does it matter which drug (pot or prescription pharmaceuticals) I use to manage my symptoms? She was not convinced
Right now, I don't think I'll ever see or hear from my son again. And if I do, I don't know how I'll ever believe anything he says to me. It terrifies me that if I'm ever lucky enough to hear "I love you mom" again that I won't have the heart to believe him.
I do believe in karma, and I'm not sure what I've done to deserve this. But, I am truly truly sorry for it.
I'm sure I won't sleep tonight so feel free to post.
Take care
what youve done to deserve this? what is this?
you have a child whos growing up and doing it his way. our kids do shit we wish they didnt. im sure there are parents here who did shit their parents wish they hadnt have. fuck knows i did. you did nothing to 'deserve this'. dont be so hard on yourself.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
I believe this could be a great growing experience for both of you and your relationship if you let it. He is an adult now, and must make decisions on his own and learn to be responsible for those decisions. You can't control him, but you also don't have to put up with any of his shit. It sounds like you gave him two options: 1. to stay, be supported by you, and follow your rules, or 2. if he's not willing to follow your rules, to move out and support himself. He chose option #2, as many people his age do. There is nothing wrong with this option, and it needs to happen sooner or later anyway. He will now have a great learning experience about hard work and responsibility and will likely become a better person from it. You will have to learn as well that you can't control him and that attempting to control him will only limit your access to him. Once he can take care of himself and has learned to value the hard work you have put into caring for him and learned that there are consequences for his actions, and once you have given up trying to control or judge him so he can feel comfortable being honest with you, then you will have an adult relationship with your son - and that is fulfilling on a whole new level for both of you.
I moved out of my parents' house when I was 17 - straight out of high school - because I didn't want to be controlled. I wasn't a drug user, but I did like to drink, come and go as I pleased, etc. (Although, it was the general dynamic of treating me like a child that caused me to leave - not because I wanted to party in my parents' house or anything. I would have refused to take a drug test as well, even though I wasn't doing drugs.) Anyway, I moved out, rented a house, went to college, got a job or 3, payed my bills, and made my own decisions. They weren't always the decisions my parents would have liked me to make. I got 3 male roomates (I'm female) who were 5-10 year older than me and bought the beer for the big parties I would throw. Having never been out of the country, I ran off to Paris with a Moroccan man nearly twice my age who I had known for only a few months. My parents didn't like it, but I made it clear that they no longer had authority over me and if they gave me a hard time I just didn't talk to them. And slowly we learned a new way to interact with one another. And I turned out just fine and think I'm a better person and have a stronger adult relationship with my parents because of it. (I'm now 32, by the way.)
I know none of this addresses your concern about your child's drug use, but it doesn't sound like we really have enough information to address it. Could smoking pot lead to a downward spiral straight to hell? Sure. If it does, there's probably not much you can do about it anyway. More likely, however, he'll turn into a healthy, responsible adult just like most of the other people who were stoners when they were 20. I'll be praying for the latter for you.
Good luck!
I'm sorry for your trouble, but I'd say that part of the problem is/was the free ride you were giving him. He had no responsibility. Maybe he will be forced to shoulder some now.
...are those who've helped us.
Right 'round the corner could be bigger than ourselves.
Chances are he'll be just fine. He'll fuck up here and there, but will probably come back to you once he gets this phase out of his system. I truly believe that most people can't be fully reasonable until the age of 25ish. Dont burn any bridges in your relationship. Let him do what he has to do, because he'll do it regardless of what you say.
I'm so so sorry that you have to go through this. I can imagine your heart is broken, but the majority of people eventually realize what saints their parents are AFTER the fact.
Once he is, emotionally, an adult things will be better. I'm sure you'll see him again.
From my perspective, as a younger sister who has watched this bullshit play out for my entire 29 years, I want you to first realize that his choices aren't a reflection you. My mom is so hung up on feeling guilty about my brother's problems, and she considers herself a bad mother for it...never mind the fact that my sister and I are model citizens, lol. She only focuses on my brother. But they are his choices, and his alone. Let him own them, and let him own the results. It will be good for him to figure it out on his own, even if he has to go through some shit to get there. (Just to put this in perspective for you, I hardly knew anyone in college that didn't smoke a little pot. I'm sure that's not what you want your son to be doing, but it's pretty standard behavior for kids that age.)
And listen to Soulsinging. I remember him on the board back when he was going through some pretty rocky times. He knows what he's talking about, and he's turned his life around in grand fashion.
i cannot disagree with this more. he is not an equal. he is an immature young adult. he is in no way equal. that doesnt mean to disrespect him or talk to him like a five year old....but a parent has to step up and be a parent in this situation, not a friend, just as the OP has done.. you have my prayers