No, he was going to be starting the application process and preparing to test next year.
Wow, that future perfect verb tense is painful. Cause I've got a horrible feeling there's not too much perfection in the near future. Irony . . .
Gotcha. Don't sweat it. If he's bright, he'll be fine. Hell, I've been arrested for drunk driving three times and I still managed to get into and finish law school. Even if he gets busted, his life will be ok. He's going to be fine and he's too young to hold something like this against you forever. He wants to stretch his wings, make some of his own choices. It's no big deal. You stood your ground. In the end, he will understand that and respect it, even if he disagrees. But you need to relax a bit. Have a glass of wine and curl up with a book or movie or something. He's not dead or anything. You will see him plenty more once things cool off. Your son is going to do and say things you don't like, just as you will say and do things he doesn't. You'll both have to learn to live with that and I'm sure you both will. For now, let him go out there and make some decisions on his own. Even if you'd make different choices, he needs to make his own to learn what works for him.
The dwi's might haunt you when it comes to sit the bar exam.
They've already caused me problems in various areas of my life. So what? I've managed through them. The bar people are very understanding to substance abuse and I can demonstrate that it was all well in my past. I'm not worried about it, and neither are any of the people around me. Sure, it's been a hassle. But if it hadn't been, I wouldn't have learned anything from it. None of it has been insurmountable or destroyed my life. And I most definitely have seen plenty of my parents even after our disagreements.
I just want to say that we all must understand how difficult the transition from child to adult is, for both the child and the parent. The chance of it being communally peaceful is pretty slim. We as parents are supposed to teach our children to be ready for the world, and educate them on what is reasonably expected of them, so when they reach that physical age where you assume they'll be ready, and they're not, it's hard.
I thought I was so fucking smart when I was 20. I was responsible compared to my friends, but in reality, I still had a lot to learn. I've got no problem with weed. I don't think weed is the issue here.
The issue here is transition. It's a transition for both the parents and the child, and it's hard, so be fucking kind and understanding. Having kids creates the biggest weakness in someones soul. Just try to be considerate of that.
so whats going on here keiran?? you threw your son out of the house cause he was a smoking pot??? or is it that you gave him an ultimatum and he chose his way over yours?? and you want us to what? sympathise with you and tell you you did the right thing?? i gather hes intelligent(from the masters comment) but since when did intelligence equate with common sense?? yes its your house so yes its your rules. i just dont agree with tossing him to the kerb. maybe he will waste his life away. maybe hell get his shit together... but its HIS life. and anyone else is just a spectator. all you can do now is be there when he needs you. whether you do so unconditionally is up to you.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
I generally like you dude, but your views on marijuana are just... weird. I can think of a few greater follies than smoking weed (atom bombs, Hitler's ovens, child molesters... you know, REAL stuff... or if you want to limit to personal choices, how about abusive alcoholics, heroin addicts giving AIDS to their babies, or Native American using peyote in vision quests? I mean, let's have some perspective here). Did you get beat up by stoners in high school or something? Your aggression seems pretty personal and disproportionate.
I am highly allergic to the stuff. :twisted: I really enjoy breathing through a snot-free nose as much as possible...it's all about your "freedoms" encroaching on my "freedoms." I happen to value my "freedoms", in this case breathing, over other persons' rights to pollute the air.
...and folly was viewed as a species-wide activity....and I didn't say it was the greatest....just a great one...and a very wide-spread one since tobacco would also be included.
Do you really spend a lot of time choking on pot smoke? I don't see many people hanging out on the street smoking it these days... what with fear of the cops and all. It can't be that big a problem for you man. I can see it being annoying if you're allergic, but come on. I know people with peanut allergies and they don't talk about people that eat snickers bars like they're evil, stupid bastards for doing it, even though the peanut dust can kill them. I think you're being a bit of a drama queen here.
...and I don't want to spend time choking on pot smoke...that's why I am so against any public use of the shit. Most of the pot smokers that I have known, given the chance....would smoke it endlessly in public...if it was legal....regardless of how others feel about it..yes, I feel the same way about tobacco use....watched my Grandmother die of Lung Cancer due to her choice of smoking tobacco for decades...I lost friends because they would rather smoke pot than hang with me...but that's their choice...and their freedom of choice. My choice to speak out against is my freedom in action...I don't want to have to deal with it...there is a big difference between pot smoke, its movements and reach, and the amount of peanut dust present in Snickers Bar....bad analogy.
All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a thousand enemies, and whenever they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you, digger, listener, runner, prince with the swift warning. Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be destroyed.
so whats going on here keiran?? you threw your son out of the house cause he was a smoking pot??? or is it that you gave him an ultimatum and he chose his way over yours?? and you want us to what? sympathise with you and tell you you did the right thing?? i gather hes intelligent(from the masters comment) but since when did intelligence equate with common sense?? yes its your house so yes its your rules. i just dont agree with tossing him to the kerb. maybe he will waste his life away. maybe hell get his shit together... but its HIS life. and anyone else is just a spectator. all you can do now is be there when he needs you. whether you do so unconditionally is up to you.
Like I said a few pages ago, I put this on a public forum and you as well as everyone else has the right to comment. I appreciate your apology - no hard feelings on my part.
I'm not trying to be preachy about anything. Please understand, I'm just heartbroken.
*sigh*
I'm havin a helluva time trying to wrap my head around everything in this thread. I came back here feeling guilty for using it as a soapbox, but everyone kinda is...even after you asked us not to...I was a jerk about that too, I guess, so...another apology :oops: I appreciate your appreciation for the first one
And if this thread is any kind of indicator, you are more level headed than most (myself included), so thanks for that too.
Honestly, the comments about posting this topic here were overly defensive too, and in bad taste. I was ranting.
two things are obvious here: your son is intelligent, and has parents that love him.
Even without school, that puts him in the top 5% Most people are just plain dumb, and don't have parents half as concerned as you. I absolutely agree that this is a transition and that point has been missed by most (myself included, again).
EDIT: I apologized for derailing your thread, then did it again with what's below. Nice. I'm done now tho, I'll pm if he responds. Best of luck with your situation Keiran.
Now for the fun part. tybird, man....I realized while I was mowin the lawn tonight (thinkin about the pit while mowin the lawn :roll: )...we've gone at it about smoking at shows before, haven't we? This is personal, huh? *sigh* well....since I've been here posting on the pj bbs for a decade and this is the first time I've ever pissed someone off enough for the infamous 'come to my house, I will give you the address' tough guy routine...and from a forum vet, no less....I'm gonna have some fun with it. See if you can play along
...but people who do not like or approve of your noxious weed have no right to call people names???? ..
I made the 'tight ass geeks' comment out of pure sarcasm, because of your 'damn pothead' comment. Unless I'm missing something here, you started it. I can't believe I have to type the words "you started it" I wanted it to sound intentionally High School, because that's what 'damn potheads' was...prejudiced, high school bullshit. I thought you might miss the irony, but didn't mind baiting you either since you were being disrespectful...but this is more than I ever could have imagined Thanks for that.
Oh by the way, the air is clear wherever I am because I think that grinding up plant matter, setting it on fire and inhaling the fumes is almost the ultimate folly of man. .
the 'almost' cannot possibly save this statement from itself. talk about folly....
This is my favourite part:
If you don't like my views on pot...man up...PM me..
I wish I could change my sig seriously man, I lol'd
I've already covered the last sentence....I am seriously shocked by that post man. wtf? Come kick my ass in TO, I'll go all Gandhi on your ass then buy you a beer after
Like I said a few pages ago, I put this on a public forum and you as well as everyone else has the right to comment. I appreciate your apology - no hard feelings on my part.
I'm not trying to be preachy about anything. Please understand, I'm just heartbroken.
*sigh*
I'm havin a helluva time trying to wrap my head around everything in this thread. I came back here feeling guilty for using it as a soapbox, but everyone kinda is...even after you asked us not to...I was a jerk about that too, I guess, so...another apology :oops: I appreciate your appreciation for the first one
And if this thread is any kind of indicator, you are more level headed than most (myself included), so thanks for that too.
Honestly, the comments about posting this topic here were overly defensive too, and in bad taste. I was ranting.
two things are obvious here: your son is intelligent, and has parents that love him.
Even without school, that puts him in the top 5% Most people are just plain dumb, and don't have parents half as concerned as you. I absolutely agree that this is a transition and that point has been missed by most (myself included, again).
EDIT: I apologized for derailing your thread, then did it again with what's below. Nice. I'm done now tho, I'll pm if he responds. Best of luck with your situation Keiran.
Now for the fun part. tybird, man....I realized while I was mowin the lawn tonight (thinkin about the pit while mowin the lawn :roll: )...we've gone at it about smoking at shows before, haven't we? This is personal, huh? *sigh* well....since I've been here posting on the pj bbs for a decade and this is the first time I've ever pissed someone off enough for the infamous 'come to my house, I will give you the address' tough guy routine...and from a forum vet, no less....I'm gonna have some fun with it. See if you can play along
...but people who do not like or approve of your noxious weed have no right to call people names???? ..
I made the 'tight ass geeks' comment out of pure sarcasm, because of your 'damn pothead' comment. Unless I'm missing something here, you started it. I can't believe I have to type the words "you started it" I wanted it to sound intentionally High School, because that's what 'damn potheads' was...prejudiced, high school bullshit. I thought you might miss the irony, but didn't mind baiting you either since you were being disrespectful...but this is more than I ever could have imagined Thanks for that.
Oh by the way, the air is clear wherever I am because I think that grinding up plant matter, setting it on fire and inhaling the fumes is almost the ultimate folly of man. .
the 'almost' cannot possibly save this statement from itself. talk about folly....
This is my favourite part:
If you don't like my views on pot...man up...PM me..
I wish I could change my sig seriously man, I lol'd
I've already covered the last sentence....I am seriously shocked by that post man. wtf? Come kick my ass in TO, I'll go all Gandhi on your ass then buy you a beer after
Obviously...I'm tired of pro-pot folks calling me because I do not support the idea of smoking pot in public...ever...I apologize if I crossed the line in the sand, but the rudeness about my views on pot apparently hit the limit.
All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a thousand enemies, and whenever they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you, digger, listener, runner, prince with the swift warning. Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be destroyed.
As I understand it Keiran has 'rules' like any parent does (I am a mother of a teen). More often than not, these rules are not for 'controlling' or an imposing your wishes and desires on your children (a poster said "maybe these jobs and opportunities are what YOU want for him, not what HE wants for himself. You cannot tell him who to be or what he has to do with his life. He is entitled to live it as he sees fit, even if it doesn't match the plan you have in your head for him.").
As a parent, you try to impart your values to your children. If these values have to do with drugs or respect or even diet (ie vegetarians), then those are the values your children are raised with. It is not just a 'decision' but forms part of the core of the parents. Keiran and her husband seem to have done what any parent would love to do for their children: make sure they have a good education to give them the best possible chances in 'the real world', enable them to concentrate on their life by making things easier, ie living at home rent free, having the use of a car, etc. Kieran's son is lucky - not all parents are able to do this.
Even with all of that, I don't believe that Keiran's son owes anything to his parents (because that's what parents do), except respect and acceptance that if he is to 'take' all of those things given to him by his parents, he must understand that their values are predominant in the house. If he is not prepared to abide by those rules and values whilst he is living in THEIR house, then he must be prepared to forgo what comes with those 'rules'.
Again referring to the poster mentioned above... the son is entitled to live as he sees fit and he is doing that by choosing to leave - after all, he is old enough to be on his own, but starting at a low point (not even being able to go for an interview because of drug testing - where will that get him?) And yes, parents DO have wishes of success for their kids and parents will 'push' their kids - normal.
I feel for Keiran - a lot of love and sacrifice and hope seems to be 'wasted'. She had high hopes for her son (should still keep up with the high hopes), but I think the worse is the 'betrayal'. Not 'after all I did for you, this is how you repay me', but the lies and the loss of trust. That is the worse.
Keep strong Keiran. I'm sure your son will see his mistakes. Maybe he may start to make a life of his own, but hopefully with the values you have taught him.
As I understand it Keiran has 'rules' like any parent does (I am a mother of a teen). More often than not, these rules are not for 'controlling' or an imposing your wishes and desires on your children (a poster said "maybe these jobs and opportunities are what YOU want for him, not what HE wants for himself. You cannot tell him who to be or what he has to do with his life. He is entitled to live it as he sees fit, even if it doesn't match the plan you have in your head for him.").
As a parent, you try to impart your values to your children. If these values have to do with drugs or respect or even diet (ie vegetarians), then those are the values your children are raised with. It is not just a 'decision' but forms part of the core of the parents. Keiran and her husband seem to have done what any parent would love to do for their children: make sure they have a good education to give them the best possible chances in 'the real world', enable them to concentrate on their life by making things easier, ie living at home rent free, having the use of a car, etc. Kieran's son is lucky - not all parents are able to do this.
Even with all of that, I don't believe that Keiran's son owes anything to his parents (because that's what parents do), except respect and acceptance that if he is to 'take' all of those things given to him by his parents, he must understand that their values are predominant in the house. If he is not prepared to abide by those rules and values whilst he is living in THEIR house, then he must be prepared to forgo what comes with those 'rules'.
Again referring to the poster mentioned above... the son is entitled to live as he sees fit and he is doing that by choosing to leave - after all, he is old enough to be on his own, but starting at a low point (not even being able to go for an interview because of drug testing - where will that get him?) And yes, parents DO have wishes of success for their kids and parents will 'push' their kids - normal.
I feel for Keiran - a lot of love and sacrifice and hope seems to be 'wasted'. She had high hopes for her son (should still keep up with the high hopes), but I think the worse is the 'betrayal'. Not 'after all I did for you, this is how you repay me', but the lies and the loss of trust. That is the worse.
Keep strong Keiran. I'm sure your son will see his mistakes. Maybe he may start to make a life of his own, but hopefully with the values you have taught him.
Well said.
All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a thousand enemies, and whenever they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you, digger, listener, runner, prince with the swift warning. Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be destroyed.
I just want to say that we all must understand how difficult the transition from child to adult is, for both the child and the parent. The chance of it being communally peaceful is pretty slim. We as parents are supposed to teach our children to be ready for the world, and educate them on what is reasonably expected of them, so when they reach that physical age where you assume they'll be ready, and they're not, it's hard.
I thought I was so fucking smart when I was 20. I was responsible compared to my friends, but in reality, I still had a lot to learn. I've got no problem with weed. I don't think weed is the issue here.
The issue here is transition. It's a transition for both the parents and the child, and it's hard, so be fucking kind and understanding. Having kids creates the biggest weakness in someones soul. Just try to be considerate of that.
Best post in all this long thread!
"The good thing about science is that it's true whether or not you believe in it"
Neil deGrasse Tyson
First of all, I'm not disagreeing with you at all but listen...
Pot is not the reason for acting immature or stupid and not taking responsibility. Yeah when I ONLY smoked pot, I was an idiot didn't give a fuck about anything, got into blow.
Then college started and the partying continued but I realized I had a responsibility to my parents as well as to myself. Yeah I drink, I smoke, whatever but my environment, the people I hang out with, the way I educate myself on issues and school has shaped myself, not pot.
It's extremely frustrating for a 20 year old to be monitored day in and day out by our parents or someone who we look up to. Yeah, we may do stupid things but we learn from it...it all has to do with the way we are brought up. I'm sure you raised him right, but make sure he has morals where he can learn to be responsible and set goals for the future.
That being said...I'm currently going to be a Junior at George Mason University. I'm majoring in Journalism and minoring in Business, I got my own place to live, got a job so I can pay my rent and food and buy some green to calm me down when it gets stressful.
EDIT: Let me just also say that without the support of my parents financially and emotionally, I would be in a hell hole.
2003: Uniondale, MSG x2 | 2004: Reading | 2005: Gorge, Vancouver, Philly | 2006: East Rutherford x2, Gorge x2, Camden 1, Hartford | 2008: MSG x2, VA Beach | 2009: Philly x3 | 2010: MSG x2, Bristow | 2011: Alpine Valley x2 | 2012: MIA Philly | 2013: Wrigley, Charlottesville, Brooklyn 2 | 2014: Milan, Amsterdam 1 | 2016: MSG x2, Fenway x2, Wrigley 2 | 2018: Rome, Krakow, Berlin | 2021: Sea Hear Now | 2022: San Diego, LA x2, MSG, Camden, Nashville, St. Louis, Denver | 2023: St. Paul 1, Chicago x2, Fort Worth x2, Austin 2
I am highly allergic to the stuff. :twisted: I really enjoy breathing through a snot-free nose as much as possible...it's all about your "freedoms" encroaching on my "freedoms." I happen to value my "freedoms", in this case breathing, over other persons' rights to pollute the air.
...and folly was viewed as a species-wide activity....and I didn't say it was the greatest....just a great one...and a very wide-spread one since tobacco would also be included.
Do you really spend a lot of time choking on pot smoke? I don't see many people hanging out on the street smoking it these days... what with fear of the cops and all. It can't be that big a problem for you man. I can see it being annoying if you're allergic, but come on. I know people with peanut allergies and they don't talk about people that eat snickers bars like they're evil, stupid bastards for doing it, even though the peanut dust can kill them. I think you're being a bit of a drama queen here.
...and I don't want to spend time choking on pot smoke...that's why I am so against any public use of the shit. Most of the pot smokers that I have known, given the chance....would smoke it endlessly in public...if it was legal....regardless of how others feel about it..yes, I feel the same way about tobacco use....watched my Grandmother die of Lung Cancer due to her choice of smoking tobacco for decades...I lost friends because they would rather smoke pot than hang with me...but that's their choice...and their freedom of choice. My choice to speak out against is my freedom in action...I don't want to have to deal with it...there is a big difference between pot smoke, its movements and reach, and the amount of peanut dust present in Snickers Bar....bad analogy.
Fine, then use the peanuts and shells all over the average baseball stadium. The point remains... that it's one thing to have your say on it and disapprove and argue against it... another to act like anyone that uses pot is some sort of brain dead bastard out to screw you over personally. I mean, it would be like me saying people that feel the way you do are a bunch of uptight, self-righteous douchebags... but I wouldn't do that.
It's extremely frustrating for a 20 year old to be monitored day in and day out by our parents or someone who we look up to..
I understand that it is very frustrating for a 20 year old (ie adult) to still be 'under the thumb' of his/her parents and have to abide to their values. But... if it is that frustrating, this young adult can make a life of his/her own, earn his/her money, pay rent, buy food and pay for his/her education and not rely on his/her parents for all of that. Then obviously, he/she would have no one to 'report' to but to him/herself. That's what I tell my daughter... 'When you have your own place, do what you want. But until then, our rules apply.' Remember, parents grow with their kids, so the 'rules' that applied when they were 13 will not be the same as when they are 20. The very core of the values and beliefs will though.
This is for ALL kids. Once they are young adults, they CAN go live their own life and 'do their own thing'. But then 'proper' responsibilities start and that's tough.
Also remember... it can be very frustrating for the PARENTS too!
It's extremely frustrating for a 20 year old to be monitored day in and day out by our parents or someone who we look up to..
I understand that it is very frustrating for a 20 year old (ie adult) to still be 'under the thumb' of his/her parents and have to abide to their values. But... if it is that frustrating, this young adult can make a life of his/her own, earn his/her money, pay rent, buy food and pay for his/her education and not rely on his/her parents for all of that. Then obviously, he/she would have no one to 'report' to but to him/herself. That's what I tell my daughter... 'When you have your own place, do what you want. But until then, our rules apply.' Remember, parents grow with their kids, so the 'rules' that applied when they were 13 will not be the same as when they are 20. The very core of the values and beliefs will though.
This is for ALL kids. Once they are young adults, they CAN go live their own life and 'do their own thing'. But then 'proper' responsibilities start and that's tough.
Also remember... it can be very frustrating for the PARENTS too!
I completely disagree. As a 20 year old in this world I could never afford my own apartment, food, car, gas, bills working a shitty job while going to school full time, ESPECIALLY in this economy. If a 20 year old is living with their parents, and still treated like their 15 or 16 by having to answer to everything they do, it causes tension and distance within the family. Parents are there to support their child the best that they can. My parents have left me on my own and make my own decisions, but they still help me with advice and paying for certain things (ie: cell phone, food, clothes, school expenses, etc) when they can. Believe me, I had absolutely no relationship with my pops when I was a child, and when I was in high school the relationship with my mother was awful...but that changed.
Hell I'm not saying to be able to take bong hits in the middle of the living room. What I'm saying is let us do what we want, we learn fast, and the guidance of parents or superiors is greatly appreciated because we run into situations that we have never been in before that others have.
When I went away to school, it was the most insane feeling to be able to do whatever the fuck I wanted without having to answer or explain to anyone else. But then reality sets in and you realize what you have to do, that you have responsibilities and morals.
2003: Uniondale, MSG x2 | 2004: Reading | 2005: Gorge, Vancouver, Philly | 2006: East Rutherford x2, Gorge x2, Camden 1, Hartford | 2008: MSG x2, VA Beach | 2009: Philly x3 | 2010: MSG x2, Bristow | 2011: Alpine Valley x2 | 2012: MIA Philly | 2013: Wrigley, Charlottesville, Brooklyn 2 | 2014: Milan, Amsterdam 1 | 2016: MSG x2, Fenway x2, Wrigley 2 | 2018: Rome, Krakow, Berlin | 2021: Sea Hear Now | 2022: San Diego, LA x2, MSG, Camden, Nashville, St. Louis, Denver | 2023: St. Paul 1, Chicago x2, Fort Worth x2, Austin 2
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Do you really spend a lot of time choking on pot smoke? I don't see many people hanging out on the street smoking it these days... what with fear of the cops and all. It can't be that big a problem for you man. I can see it being annoying if you're allergic, but come on. I know people with peanut allergies and they don't talk about people that eat snickers bars like they're evil, stupid bastards for doing it, even though the peanut dust can kill them. I think you're being a bit of a drama queen here.
...and I don't want to spend time choking on pot smoke...that's why I am so against any public use of the shit. Most of the pot smokers that I have known, given the chance....would smoke it endlessly in public...if it was legal....regardless of how others feel about it..yes, I feel the same way about tobacco use....watched my Grandmother die of Lung Cancer due to her choice of smoking tobacco for decades...I lost friends because they would rather smoke pot than hang with me...but that's their choice...and their freedom of choice. My choice to speak out against is my freedom in action...I don't want to have to deal with it...there is a big difference between pot smoke, its movements and reach, and the amount of peanut dust present in Snickers Bar....bad analogy.
Fine, then use the peanuts and shells all over the average baseball stadium. The point remains... that it's one thing to have your say on it and disapprove and argue against it... another to act like anyone that uses pot is some sort of brain dead bastard out to screw you over personally. I mean, it would be like me saying people that feel the way you do are a bunch of uptight, self-righteous douchebags... but I wouldn't do that.
Noy anyone and everyone....just a majority of the ones I have known... :twisted:
All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a thousand enemies, and whenever they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you, digger, listener, runner, prince with the swift warning. Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be destroyed.
I completely disagree. As a 20 year old in this world I could never afford my own apartment, food, car, gas, bills working a shitty job while going to school full time, ESPECIALLY in this economy.
I know a number of young people who, once having left home for university, are paying their way. Now, in this current economy. Of course where they live is nothing like their parents' house, the car they drive is far from new or the car of their dreams and they have to shop and cook very wisely AND have that shitty job which pays for those bills. It's a choice and it can be done. Lots do it. It's a lot easier to live with mum and dad though, isn't it? No outlay, a home, laundry done, food on demand, counsellor, chauffeur even, someone there to ask for money when need be, etc. Very little responsibilities, except 'selfish' ones when an adult lives with his/her parents. He/she only needs to think about himself/herself, his/her education, leisure time, etc. Call
If a 20 year old is living with their parents, and still treated like their 15 or 16 by having to answer to everything they do, it causes tension and distance within the family. Parents are there to support their child the best that they can.
No one is saying a 20 year old needs to be treated as a 15 year old. As I mentioned in my post, parents 'grow' with the children. What the 20 year old needs to understand (just like the 15 year old), there are certain things the parents will 'demand' in THEIR home, for example: respect, truth, cooperation, etc. In 'exchange' for that, they have a home, food, clothes, an education, etc. Though it's not really an exchange. Parents do that because that it their role and they love their children - whatever age they may be. Yes, parents are there to support their children, but the children also have their obligations towards them. Call me a 'controlling' mother, but that's the way it is in my home and my daugther doesn't seem damaged by this!
If you take the OP's case, her son 'did what he wanted' and started with drugs (albeit pot, it is still an illegal substance and goes against the OP's values). Keiran seemed to give guidance, the son did not wish to take that on board. His choice. I'm still saying if a young adult is wanting to 'live his own life' (ie do what he/she wants), he/she MUST be responsible for ALL aspects of his/her life.
Very little responsibilities, except 'selfish' ones when an adult lives with his/her parents. He/she only needs to think about himself/herself, his/her education, leisure time, etc.
I agree that this is true, but I sometimes wonder if it is healthy or if it contributes to producing irresponsible, selfish adults.
To me, its not a matter of me demanding things of my 19 year old daughter, but I expect the same level of cooperation and team-work as I'd expect from an adult room mate. One of my rules is don't get in trouble. I'm pretty much don't ask, don't tell, and nothing better happen in my house. I'm flexible, but I'm not the maid or the bank or the bail office.
R.i.p. Rigoberto Alpizar.
R.i.p. My Dad - May 28, 2007
R.i.p. Black Tail (cat) - Sept. 20, 2008
Its what you needed to do, both for him and you. What you did is healthy!
I am a social worker now, but wasn't when I was raising my kids. I had to make my 14 yr.old son move to his dad's because his sister and myself did not deserve to be forced to live with the problems an addicted person puts on all those around them.
He always had a choice, and chose drug use. Although it is a disease,etc., there is also a way to keep it inactive, that is where it is his responsibility. Like a diabetic is responsible to do what they have to do to stay healthy, so does an addict!
You are doing the best thing, believe me. One must be sick and tired enough to reach rock bottom and chose recovery. His rock bottom isn't what you would think it is. It is his bottom and he will decide what that is.
NO ONE should have to live with a using addict or alcoholic.
You can be supportive if he ever does try to get clean, but don't let him come back then. He has to quit for himself, not just to move home, or any reason except for him. Moving back will be a trigger for him to use again. So, he has to move, period!
Letting go is the hardest thing I ever did, but I did it.
My son is now 34. Still using, but still alive, and I think me making him move is why he is at least alive. I am no longer co-dependant and it has made him have to grow up some.
He has tried treatment and NA meetings, so the seeds are planted and we all are living way more serene.
He has the right to make his mistakes and to decide when to get help, without you or anyone doing it for him. YOU CAN'T! He HAS TO DO THIS BY HIMSELF, or with the help of recovery programs. You are too close to it emotionally and are not able to help and will never be. You really have no right to stop him from skinning his knees when he falls.
I know this is hard on you and if you are like me, it was killing me to think I was no longer in charge. Truth is, I never was. I was very afraid he'd die. My 29 yr.old son-in-law recently did die, but it was HIS choice. He knew about recovery and how to egt to it, etc. NO ONE could had changed him. He had to want to change and didn't and death happened. His life, his choices. NO ONE could change it, but him.
LET GO AND LET GOD.
Love to you. I hope you can find serenity in it all, Heather
It's funny how these things turn out. Sometimes good and sometimes bad, I guess you never can tell. I was a total pothead, smoked about 4 times per day for years till I turned it all around when I hit 20. I quit everything cold turkey one day; smoking cigarettes, weed, drinking, eating like shit..instead started training, focusing on college and living healthy...my only vice was the pussy, and it almost killed me ..
Anyway, I guess I simple grew out of it. Am one of the lucky ones who could. Soulsinging makes a good point, but unfortunately not everyone is as lucky as us..though I am a firm believer that people need to get this shit out of their system and it's better to do so when you're young, as opposed to getting that itch once married with kids..cause eventually we all get that itch, and I for one am glad I scratched it young..
'I want to hurry home to you
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god I'm very, very frightening
and I'll overdo it'
First of all, I'm not disagreeing with you at all but listen...
Pot is not the reason for acting immature or stupid and not taking responsibility. Yeah when I ONLY smoked pot, I was an idiot didn't give a fuck about anything, got into blow.
Then college started and the partying continued but I realized I had a responsibility to my parents as well as to myself. Yeah I drink, I smoke, whatever but my environment, the people I hang out with, the way I educate myself on issues and school has shaped myself, not pot.
It's extremely frustrating for a 20 year old to be monitored day in and day out by our parents or someone who we look up to. Yeah, we may do stupid things but we learn from it...it all has to do with the way we are brought up. I'm sure you raised him right, but make sure he has morals where he can learn to be responsible and set goals for the future.
That being said...I'm currently going to be a Junior at George Mason University. I'm majoring in Journalism and minoring in Business, I got my own place to live, got a job so I can pay my rent and food and buy some green to calm me down when it gets stressful.
EDIT: Let me just also say that without the support of my parents financially and emotionally, I would be in a hell hole.
totally on the same page.
20 years old, smoke pot every night
yes i live at home while commuting to a state school, in respect to my mom, i smoke outside or at a friends before coming home= hardly a problem. I made dean's list at school and have a part time job and pay for my first car every month.
it's all about morals, i respect my mom as a person, friend, and parent, so if im going to buy pot, i first make my car payment and fill up my car to make it to school.
Im just a kid, but the way i look at it, a bowl is the perfect night cap after studying or writing a paper. my mom doesnt quiz me on where ive been or what i do, and because of that, i owe it to her to be safe and respectful, so i dont stress her out.
for the OP, im not sure the advice for you, you seem like a good parent, you worry like any good parent would, my mom worries every time i get in a car, its natural.
dont beat yourself up, if your son will learn anything out of this, he'll be greatful and hopefully a little more understanding, try to find a common ground, lifes too short to be hostile over a little pot, i hope your son comes around, and you welcome him with open arms and an open mind.
sorry if i repeated or missed something, its a long thread, and just wanted to put my .02 in.
For those of you that smoke pot regularly...
Aren't you scared that you may get a long term sever mental illness like schizophrenia from your habit?
And do you still feel the same effect as when you first tried it, or are you now immune to it?
Adelaide 17/11/2009, Melbourne 20/11/2009, Sydney 22/11/2009, Melbourne (Big Day Out Festival) 24/01/2014
Very little responsibilities, except 'selfish' ones when an adult lives with his/her parents. He/she only needs to think about himself/herself, his/her education, leisure time, etc.
I agree that this is true, but I sometimes wonder if it is healthy or if it contributes to producing irresponsible, selfish adults.
Not automatically though I am sure it does happen. It's all part of parenting. Hopefully with the kind of parenting these children get, they will realise what they are getting is not just to make their lives easy at home but to give them all they need for their future and that their 'responsibility' is to make good use of everything. That is how kids can 'repay' their parents.
20 years old, smoke pot every night
yes i live at home while commuting to a state school, in respect to my mom, i smoke outside or at a friends before coming home= hardly a problem.
So I assume that, out of respect for your mom, you don't stash any illegal substances at home? You also mention some kind of 'being responsible' since you make sure you have gas in your car before you buy drugs. How about trying to spend YOUR money on necessities and things to help your future instead of drugs? Aren't you happy you have parents that thought things through a bit better and made sure they spent money on you before anything illegal? You also say 'Im just a kid'... but you're not. You are 20 - an adult - someone who could be living his/her own INDEPENDENT life, not relying on parents.
I didn't read the OP's posts as saying she was controlling her son's life (wanting to know every minute of the day where he was, what he was doing, etc.). There were his drugs in HER home, HER car. It is not just being 'hostile over a little pot', it is the lies, the deception... the disapointment, the loss of trust... all of that. That's what hurts. This mother has seen what it can do to her son's future (ie not going for a GOOD job because he knows he will fail the drugs test).
For the record, I'm not a 'controlling' mother or an overbearing one, but it would be reasonable for me to ask my daughter, as long as she relies on us, not to be high or drunk every night, whether she smokes/drinks outside of my home or not. I would seriously question her 'habits' if she did as I do believe this would have an impact on her studies (which I am paying for), her health and her future. Once she is independent and has her own life, then, as a parent, I can only propose/suggest/support; but until then, there are 'rules' at home.
I still can't believe how many 'young ones' find it perfectly acceptable (and proud?) to use drugs or alcohol as a matter of course - just part of their day. Needing a daily smoke or drink (yes, even one whisky or sthe likes) to be able to wind down is considered an addiction.
Very little responsibilities, except 'selfish' ones when an adult lives with his/her parents. He/she only needs to think about himself/herself, his/her education, leisure time, etc.
I agree that this is true, but I sometimes wonder if it is healthy or if it contributes to producing irresponsible, selfish adults.
Not automatically though I am sure it does happen. It's all part of parenting. Hopefully with the kind of parenting these children get, they will realise what they are getting is not just to make their lives easy at home but to give them all they need for their future and that their 'responsibility' is to make good use of everything. That is how kids can 'repay' their parents.
20 years old, smoke pot every night
yes i live at home while commuting to a state school, in respect to my mom, i smoke outside or at a friends before coming home= hardly a problem.
So I assume that, out of respect for your mom, you don't stash any illegal substances at home? You also mention some kind of 'being responsible' since you make sure you have gas in your car before you buy drugs. How about trying to spend YOUR money on necessities and things to help your future instead of drugs? Aren't you happy you have parents that thought things through a bit better and made sure they spent money on you before anything illegal? You also say 'Im just a kid'... but you're not. You are 20 - an adult - someone who could be living his/her own INDEPENDENT life, not relying on parents.
I didn't read the OP's posts as saying she was controlling her son's life (wanting to know every minute of the day where he was, what he was doing, etc.). There were his drugs in HER home, HER car. It is not just being 'hostile over a little pot', it is the lies, the deception... the disapointment, the loss of trust... all of that. That's what hurts. This mother has seen what it can do to her son's future (ie not going for a GOOD job because he knows he will fail the drugs test).
For the record, I'm not a 'controlling' mother or an overbearing one, but it would be reasonable for me to ask my daughter, as long as she relies on us, not to be high or drunk every night, whether she smokes/drinks outside of my home or not. I would seriously question her 'habits' if she did as I do believe this would have an impact on her studies (which I am paying for), her health and her future. Once she is independent and has her own life, then, as a parent, I can only propose/suggest/support; but until then, there are 'rules' at home.
I still can't believe how many 'young ones' find it perfectly acceptable (and proud?) to use drugs or alcohol as a matter of course - just part of their day. Needing a daily smoke or drink (yes, even one whisky or sthe likes) to be able to wind down is considered an addiction.
Hi redrock. That was my girlfriend who posted that last night and I'm not going to stick up for her because it is a bad habit but maybe I can make it a bit clearer. I think she assumed that the OP was kicking her son out of the house, which in my opinion WOULD be bad parenting. Giving up on your son because of pot is more than tough love, it's being an authoritarian. I understand that that's not what the OP is doing but that's why I think my girlfriend was rubbed the wrong way about the argument. Now for my own opinion...
When my parents found out I smoked pot (I don't do it regularly because it effects my grades) they were upset just like a lot of you. However, they realized that they THEMSELVES smoked pot as kids and wound up being just fine. I live in a place that had drugs flowing in high school that were far more dangerous than pot. I'm proud that I never tried these because a lot of my peers did and are hooked. And I think there was someone who was saying that the parent and the twenty year old aren't equals. Are you serious? Everybody in this post is saying that the twenty year old is grown up and can do his own thing, right? Then why is he not considered as an equal now? I'm 21, still an adolescent coping with his environment an the everyday struggles but I'm on equal plane with my parents. As a matter of fact, I have more education than my parents have so does that make me above them? Just because my parents have more experience doesn't make them any more or less of a human being than I am. I respect my parents to no end and the thing I respect them most for is the fact that they don't hang the money they've spent on me over my head. Your kids are your greatest investments so don't tell them that "they need to do good in this or that because we spent the money." WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. Get off your high horses and let your kids make some choices. If you want advice, look at who your kid is hanging out with. It's usually a HUGE factor in to why he's "doing drugs."
And I think there was someone who was saying that the parent and the twenty year old aren't equals. Are you serious? Everybody in this post is saying that the twenty year old is grown up and can do his own thing, right? Then why is he not considered as an equal now? "
What I think people meant is that, if you are 20 and living at home and relying on your parents for your needs, you are not 'equal'. There is still the very definite parent/child relationship because this 20 year old is not independent. So I argue that, in this case, a parent still has the obligation to 'parent'. Now if this 20 year old is living a fully independent life (ie own place, not relying on parents' money, etc.) then the relationship becomes adult/adult, therefore 'equal'. The 'equal' has nothing to do with an 'above or below' status - it's based on dependency. The tables could also be turned the other way. Say you are in your mid thirties, good income, good home, good life. Something happens and your parents need help - you offer they come live with you. I'm sure you will have some 'rules' too and, to a point, they will have to fit in. So for me, it is not a question of age, but a question of where one is at in his/her life. Not sure if this makes sense to 'non parents of older kids'!
Also, I don't think parents 'hang the money over kids' heads'. As I said before, parents (most) will do everything in their power to ensure their kid has a good start in life. Many, many sacrifices are made. Not 'I pay for this, therefore you do as I say'. That is not the goal.
If you want advice, look at who your kid is hanging out with. It's usually a HUGE factor in to why he's "doing drugs."
Absolutely. But then when the parents say to the kid... 'I don't want you hanging out with those people because drugs, etc.', is that the parents still being on their high horses? Do they have the 'right' to say that to their kid living under their roof? Are they then accused of 'monitoring' them all the time and wanting to run their lives. Most parents don't do things like that for the pleasure of doing it......
Comments
I thought I was so fucking smart when I was 20. I was responsible compared to my friends, but in reality, I still had a lot to learn. I've got no problem with weed. I don't think weed is the issue here.
The issue here is transition. It's a transition for both the parents and the child, and it's hard, so be fucking kind and understanding. Having kids creates the biggest weakness in someones soul. Just try to be considerate of that.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
its HIS life, absolutely.
I'm havin a helluva time trying to wrap my head around everything in this thread. I came back here feeling guilty for using it as a soapbox, but everyone kinda is...even after you asked us not to...I was a jerk about that too, I guess, so...another apology :oops: I appreciate your appreciation for the first one
And if this thread is any kind of indicator, you are more level headed than most (myself included), so thanks for that too.
Honestly, the comments about posting this topic here were overly defensive too, and in bad taste. I was ranting.
two things are obvious here: your son is intelligent, and has parents that love him.
Even without school, that puts him in the top 5%
EDIT: I apologized for derailing your thread, then did it again with what's below. Nice. I'm done now tho, I'll pm if he responds. Best of luck with your situation Keiran.
Now for the fun part. tybird, man....I realized while I was mowin the lawn tonight (thinkin about the pit while mowin the lawn :roll: )...we've gone at it about smoking at shows before, haven't we? This is personal, huh? *sigh* well....since I've been here posting on the pj bbs for a decade and this is the first time I've ever pissed someone off enough for the infamous 'come to my house, I will give you the address' tough guy routine...and from a forum vet, no less....I'm gonna have some fun with it. See if you can play along
mm hmmm....did I call someone a name? or was there potheads calling people names in this thread? :?
I made the 'tight ass geeks' comment out of pure sarcasm, because of your 'damn pothead' comment. Unless I'm missing something here, you started it. I can't believe I have to type the words "you started it"
Can't argue with that logic
This is my favourite part:
I wish I could change my sig
I've already covered the last sentence....I am seriously shocked by that post man. wtf? Come kick my ass in TO, I'll go all Gandhi on your ass then buy you a beer after
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
-Oscar Wilde
As a parent, you try to impart your values to your children. If these values have to do with drugs or respect or even diet (ie vegetarians), then those are the values your children are raised with. It is not just a 'decision' but forms part of the core of the parents. Keiran and her husband seem to have done what any parent would love to do for their children: make sure they have a good education to give them the best possible chances in 'the real world', enable them to concentrate on their life by making things easier, ie living at home rent free, having the use of a car, etc. Kieran's son is lucky - not all parents are able to do this.
Even with all of that, I don't believe that Keiran's son owes anything to his parents (because that's what parents do), except respect and acceptance that if he is to 'take' all of those things given to him by his parents, he must understand that their values are predominant in the house. If he is not prepared to abide by those rules and values whilst he is living in THEIR house, then he must be prepared to forgo what comes with those 'rules'.
Again referring to the poster mentioned above... the son is entitled to live as he sees fit and he is doing that by choosing to leave - after all, he is old enough to be on his own, but starting at a low point (not even being able to go for an interview because of drug testing - where will that get him?) And yes, parents DO have wishes of success for their kids and parents will 'push' their kids - normal.
I feel for Keiran - a lot of love and sacrifice and hope seems to be 'wasted'. She had high hopes for her son (should still keep up with the high hopes), but I think the worse is the 'betrayal'. Not 'after all I did for you, this is how you repay me', but the lies and the loss of trust. That is the worse.
Keep strong Keiran. I'm sure your son will see his mistakes. Maybe he may start to make a life of his own, but hopefully with the values you have taught him.
“All men make mistakes, but only wise men learn from their mistakes.” Winston Churchill
“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” John Powell
Let's hope Keiran's son is wise enough to learn from his mistakes.
Best post in all this long thread!
Neil deGrasse Tyson
Why not (V) (°,,,,°) (V) ?
I have a feeling everything is going to work out here.....
and lets just hope....
He doesnt turn out like a lot of my "pot head" friends turned out.....
30-40 years old living in mommy and daddys basement, STILL smoking their illegal drugs, NEVER looking for or finding a job.....
I STILL have friends in their 30-40s who act and behave like they are 18yrs. old.........
Till there aint nothing left worth taking away from me.....
First of all, I'm not disagreeing with you at all but listen...
Pot is not the reason for acting immature or stupid and not taking responsibility. Yeah when I ONLY smoked pot, I was an idiot didn't give a fuck about anything, got into blow.
Then college started and the partying continued but I realized I had a responsibility to my parents as well as to myself. Yeah I drink, I smoke, whatever but my environment, the people I hang out with, the way I educate myself on issues and school has shaped myself, not pot.
It's extremely frustrating for a 20 year old to be monitored day in and day out by our parents or someone who we look up to. Yeah, we may do stupid things but we learn from it...it all has to do with the way we are brought up. I'm sure you raised him right, but make sure he has morals where he can learn to be responsible and set goals for the future.
That being said...I'm currently going to be a Junior at George Mason University. I'm majoring in Journalism and minoring in Business, I got my own place to live, got a job so I can pay my rent and food and buy some green to calm me down when it gets stressful.
EDIT: Let me just also say that without the support of my parents financially and emotionally, I would be in a hell hole.
Fine, then use the peanuts and shells all over the average baseball stadium. The point remains... that it's one thing to have your say on it and disapprove and argue against it... another to act like anyone that uses pot is some sort of brain dead bastard out to screw you over personally. I mean, it would be like me saying people that feel the way you do are a bunch of uptight, self-righteous douchebags... but I wouldn't do that.
I understand that it is very frustrating for a 20 year old (ie adult) to still be 'under the thumb' of his/her parents and have to abide to their values. But... if it is that frustrating, this young adult can make a life of his/her own, earn his/her money, pay rent, buy food and pay for his/her education and not rely on his/her parents for all of that. Then obviously, he/she would have no one to 'report' to but to him/herself. That's what I tell my daughter... 'When you have your own place, do what you want. But until then, our rules apply.' Remember, parents grow with their kids, so the 'rules' that applied when they were 13 will not be the same as when they are 20. The very core of the values and beliefs will though.
This is for ALL kids. Once they are young adults, they CAN go live their own life and 'do their own thing'. But then 'proper' responsibilities start and that's tough.
Also remember... it can be very frustrating for the PARENTS too!
I completely disagree. As a 20 year old in this world I could never afford my own apartment, food, car, gas, bills working a shitty job while going to school full time, ESPECIALLY in this economy. If a 20 year old is living with their parents, and still treated like their 15 or 16 by having to answer to everything they do, it causes tension and distance within the family. Parents are there to support their child the best that they can. My parents have left me on my own and make my own decisions, but they still help me with advice and paying for certain things (ie: cell phone, food, clothes, school expenses, etc) when they can. Believe me, I had absolutely no relationship with my pops when I was a child, and when I was in high school the relationship with my mother was awful...but that changed.
Hell I'm not saying to be able to take bong hits in the middle of the living room. What I'm saying is let us do what we want, we learn fast, and the guidance of parents or superiors is greatly appreciated because we run into situations that we have never been in before that others have.
When I went away to school, it was the most insane feeling to be able to do whatever the fuck I wanted without having to answer or explain to anyone else. But then reality sets in and you realize what you have to do, that you have responsibilities and morals.
I know a number of young people who, once having left home for university, are paying their way. Now, in this current economy. Of course where they live is nothing like their parents' house, the car they drive is far from new or the car of their dreams and they have to shop and cook very wisely AND have that shitty job which pays for those bills. It's a choice and it can be done. Lots do it. It's a lot easier to live with mum and dad though, isn't it? No outlay, a home, laundry done, food on demand, counsellor, chauffeur even, someone there to ask for money when need be, etc. Very little responsibilities, except 'selfish' ones when an adult lives with his/her parents. He/she only needs to think about himself/herself, his/her education, leisure time, etc. Call
No one is saying a 20 year old needs to be treated as a 15 year old. As I mentioned in my post, parents 'grow' with the children. What the 20 year old needs to understand (just like the 15 year old), there are certain things the parents will 'demand' in THEIR home, for example: respect, truth, cooperation, etc. In 'exchange' for that, they have a home, food, clothes, an education, etc. Though it's not really an exchange. Parents do that because that it their role and they love their children - whatever age they may be. Yes, parents are there to support their children, but the children also have their obligations towards them. Call me a 'controlling' mother, but that's the way it is in my home and my daugther doesn't seem damaged by this!
If you take the OP's case, her son 'did what he wanted' and started with drugs (albeit pot, it is still an illegal substance and goes against the OP's values). Keiran seemed to give guidance, the son did not wish to take that on board. His choice. I'm still saying if a young adult is wanting to 'live his own life' (ie do what he/she wants), he/she MUST be responsible for ALL aspects of his/her life.
man.............logic is lost.
R.i.p. My Dad - May 28, 2007
R.i.p. Black Tail (cat) - Sept. 20, 2008
I am a social worker now, but wasn't when I was raising my kids. I had to make my 14 yr.old son move to his dad's because his sister and myself did not deserve to be forced to live with the problems an addicted person puts on all those around them.
He always had a choice, and chose drug use. Although it is a disease,etc., there is also a way to keep it inactive, that is where it is his responsibility. Like a diabetic is responsible to do what they have to do to stay healthy, so does an addict!
You are doing the best thing, believe me. One must be sick and tired enough to reach rock bottom and chose recovery. His rock bottom isn't what you would think it is. It is his bottom and he will decide what that is.
NO ONE should have to live with a using addict or alcoholic.
You can be supportive if he ever does try to get clean, but don't let him come back then. He has to quit for himself, not just to move home, or any reason except for him. Moving back will be a trigger for him to use again. So, he has to move, period!
Letting go is the hardest thing I ever did, but I did it.
My son is now 34. Still using, but still alive, and I think me making him move is why he is at least alive. I am no longer co-dependant and it has made him have to grow up some.
He has tried treatment and NA meetings, so the seeds are planted and we all are living way more serene.
He has the right to make his mistakes and to decide when to get help, without you or anyone doing it for him. YOU CAN'T! He HAS TO DO THIS BY HIMSELF, or with the help of recovery programs. You are too close to it emotionally and are not able to help and will never be. You really have no right to stop him from skinning his knees when he falls.
I know this is hard on you and if you are like me, it was killing me to think I was no longer in charge. Truth is, I never was. I was very afraid he'd die. My 29 yr.old son-in-law recently did die, but it was HIS choice. He knew about recovery and how to egt to it, etc. NO ONE could had changed him. He had to want to change and didn't and death happened. His life, his choices. NO ONE could change it, but him.
LET GO AND LET GOD.
Love to you. I hope you can find serenity in it all, Heather
Anyway, I guess I simple grew out of it. Am one of the lucky ones who could. Soulsinging makes a good point, but unfortunately not everyone is as lucky as us..though I am a firm believer that people need to get this shit out of their system and it's better to do so when you're young, as opposed to getting that itch once married with kids..cause eventually we all get that itch, and I for one am glad I scratched it young..
put on a slow, dumb show for you
and crack you up
so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
god I'm very, very frightening
and I'll overdo it'
totally on the same page.
20 years old, smoke pot every night
yes i live at home while commuting to a state school, in respect to my mom, i smoke outside or at a friends before coming home= hardly a problem. I made dean's list at school and have a part time job and pay for my first car every month.
it's all about morals, i respect my mom as a person, friend, and parent, so if im going to buy pot, i first make my car payment and fill up my car to make it to school.
Im just a kid, but the way i look at it, a bowl is the perfect night cap after studying or writing a paper. my mom doesnt quiz me on where ive been or what i do, and because of that, i owe it to her to be safe and respectful, so i dont stress her out.
for the OP, im not sure the advice for you, you seem like a good parent, you worry like any good parent would, my mom worries every time i get in a car, its natural.
dont beat yourself up, if your son will learn anything out of this, he'll be greatful and hopefully a little more understanding, try to find a common ground, lifes too short to be hostile over a little pot, i hope your son comes around, and you welcome him with open arms and an open mind.
sorry if i repeated or missed something, its a long thread, and just wanted to put my .02 in.
Aren't you scared that you may get a long term sever mental illness like schizophrenia from your habit?
And do you still feel the same effect as when you first tried it, or are you now immune to it?
Not automatically though I am sure it does happen. It's all part of parenting. Hopefully with the kind of parenting these children get, they will realise what they are getting is not just to make their lives easy at home but to give them all they need for their future and that their 'responsibility' is to make good use of everything. That is how kids can 'repay' their parents.
So I assume that, out of respect for your mom, you don't stash any illegal substances at home? You also mention some kind of 'being responsible' since you make sure you have gas in your car before you buy drugs. How about trying to spend YOUR money on necessities and things to help your future instead of drugs? Aren't you happy you have parents that thought things through a bit better and made sure they spent money on you before anything illegal? You also say 'Im just a kid'... but you're not. You are 20 - an adult - someone who could be living his/her own INDEPENDENT life, not relying on parents.
I didn't read the OP's posts as saying she was controlling her son's life (wanting to know every minute of the day where he was, what he was doing, etc.). There were his drugs in HER home, HER car. It is not just being 'hostile over a little pot', it is the lies, the deception... the disapointment, the loss of trust... all of that. That's what hurts. This mother has seen what it can do to her son's future (ie not going for a GOOD job because he knows he will fail the drugs test).
For the record, I'm not a 'controlling' mother or an overbearing one, but it would be reasonable for me to ask my daughter, as long as she relies on us, not to be high or drunk every night, whether she smokes/drinks outside of my home or not. I would seriously question her 'habits' if she did as I do believe this would have an impact on her studies (which I am paying for), her health and her future. Once she is independent and has her own life, then, as a parent, I can only propose/suggest/support; but until then, there are 'rules' at home.
I still can't believe how many 'young ones' find it perfectly acceptable (and proud?) to use drugs or alcohol as a matter of course - just part of their day. Needing a daily smoke or drink (yes, even one whisky or sthe likes) to be able to wind down is considered an addiction.
Hi redrock. That was my girlfriend who posted that last night and I'm not going to stick up for her because it is a bad habit but maybe I can make it a bit clearer. I think she assumed that the OP was kicking her son out of the house, which in my opinion WOULD be bad parenting. Giving up on your son because of pot is more than tough love, it's being an authoritarian. I understand that that's not what the OP is doing but that's why I think my girlfriend was rubbed the wrong way about the argument. Now for my own opinion...
When my parents found out I smoked pot (I don't do it regularly because it effects my grades) they were upset just like a lot of you. However, they realized that they THEMSELVES smoked pot as kids and wound up being just fine. I live in a place that had drugs flowing in high school that were far more dangerous than pot. I'm proud that I never tried these because a lot of my peers did and are hooked. And I think there was someone who was saying that the parent and the twenty year old aren't equals. Are you serious? Everybody in this post is saying that the twenty year old is grown up and can do his own thing, right? Then why is he not considered as an equal now? I'm 21, still an adolescent coping with his environment an the everyday struggles but I'm on equal plane with my parents. As a matter of fact, I have more education than my parents have so does that make me above them? Just because my parents have more experience doesn't make them any more or less of a human being than I am. I respect my parents to no end and the thing I respect them most for is the fact that they don't hang the money they've spent on me over my head. Your kids are your greatest investments so don't tell them that "they need to do good in this or that because we spent the money." WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. Get off your high horses and let your kids make some choices. If you want advice, look at who your kid is hanging out with. It's usually a HUGE factor in to why he's "doing drugs."
OK What I think people meant is that, if you are 20 and living at home and relying on your parents for your needs, you are not 'equal'. There is still the very definite parent/child relationship because this 20 year old is not independent. So I argue that, in this case, a parent still has the obligation to 'parent'. Now if this 20 year old is living a fully independent life (ie own place, not relying on parents' money, etc.) then the relationship becomes adult/adult, therefore 'equal'. The 'equal' has nothing to do with an 'above or below' status - it's based on dependency. The tables could also be turned the other way. Say you are in your mid thirties, good income, good home, good life. Something happens and your parents need help - you offer they come live with you. I'm sure you will have some 'rules' too and, to a point, they will have to fit in. So for me, it is not a question of age, but a question of where one is at in his/her life. Not sure if this makes sense to 'non parents of older kids'!
Also, I don't think parents 'hang the money over kids' heads'. As I said before, parents (most) will do everything in their power to ensure their kid has a good start in life. Many, many sacrifices are made. Not 'I pay for this, therefore you do as I say'. That is not the goal.
Absolutely. But then when the parents say to the kid... 'I don't want you hanging out with those people because drugs, etc.', is that the parents still being on their high horses? Do they have the 'right' to say that to their kid living under their roof? Are they then accused of 'monitoring' them all the time and wanting to run their lives. Most parents don't do things like that for the pleasure of doing it......