I'm so sorry you're going through this, Keiran. I'm not a parent, so I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. Try to remember..... this too shall pass.
I believe this could be a great growing experience for both of you and your relationship if you let it. He is an adult now, and must make decisions on his own and learn to be responsible for those decisions. You can't control him, but you also don't have to put up with any of his shit. It sounds like you gave him two options: 1. to stay, be supported by you, and follow your rules, or 2. if he's not willing to follow your rules, to move out and support himself. He chose option #2, as many people his age do. There is nothing wrong with this option, and it needs to happen sooner or later anyway. He will now have a great learning experience about hard work and responsibility and will likely become a better person from it. You will have to learn as well that you can't control him and that attempting to control him will only limit your access to him. Once he can take care of himself and has learned to value the hard work you have put into caring for him and learned that there are consequences for his actions, and once you have given up trying to control or judge him so he can feel comfortable being honest with you, then you will have an adult relationship with your son - and that is fulfilling on a whole new level for both of you.
Good luck!
well said!
you did what was right for you, what you think is right for your son...and you let him maake his own decision. he did. it may not be the decision you;d hope for, and it seems you may 'blame' yourself for what you percieve as his poor choices....but bottomline, his life, his choice. we all can look back at such and lament the 'loss'......his opportunities squandered, the chances you are giving him, etc. however, it is his life and his choice to make. who knows what he'll learn from it all? i absolutely do hope it's simply a phase, and/or experimentation. i've been there myself, and enjoyed it immensely. :P that said, i watched both my sisters leave home at 17 and 18 b/c of my very restrictive parents. by the time i came of age, my parents were split, i think they both were worn out by the older 2 .....and while the rules were still just as strict, they weren't actually paying much attention, haha.....so yea.....i had it far easier.
bottomline, you did the right thing. tough love. hopefully in time he appreciates it for what it is, and hopefully it all will simply be life-learning for him and he'll find his way and his own path to happiness and success. do NOT beat yourself up over it, being a good parent is NOT an easy job and certainly not always pretty nor appreciated. good luck to you both!
He is 20 and still living under your roof... if he doesn't like the rules, and thinks that life will be "better" elsewhere, then there isn't anything that you can do. It's not like he is 15 years old and is throwing his life away... He might act like it, but he is an adult, and sometimes fending for yourself is the only way that he will "wake up".
My son is still to young to even think about this, but I've seen my older brother put my parents through hell (and to a lesser extent my sister-in-law to my wife's parents). I can't image how tough that it must be to basically kick them out, but at some point they need to see what life is like without the free ride.
Maybe in a couple of months he will be back, realizing how good he had it... maybe it will take a couple of years... he knows that you love him, but it might take many days down the road, to realize exactly what that means.
Good luck...
My whole life
was like a picture
of a sunny day
“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”
― Abraham Lincoln
i cannot disagree with this more. he is not an equal. he is an immature young adult. he is in no way equal. that doesnt mean to disrespect him or talk to him like a five year old....but a parent has to step up and be a parent in this situation, not a friend, just as the OP has done.. you have my prayers
Totally agree. First I feel for you Kieran and I pray it'll get better as time goes by.
Long story short I had to kick my 19 year old son out of my house, not drug related though, 4 years ago as he thought he could do what he wanted as he was home from college. Killed me but I had to be a parent first and not a friend as his mother treated him (we're divorced).
Took him awhile to come around but now things are going well and he's in his 4th year of college. Spent the weekend with him last month and I pray I never have to do it again with any of my other children. So even though the situation is different I know the heart wrenching you are going thru.
You did the right thing...................
If you have a chance to make life better for others, and fail to do so, you are wasting your time on this earth.
Thank you so much again to everyone who has been willing to share their pain and engage in this conversation.
My husband has suspected for a while that our son was on drugs. I guess I did too, but my questions were always answered with lies that I chose to believe. The truth finally came out when his pathetic excuses for not being able to get a job this summer became even too ridiculous for me to swallow. He was forced to admit that it was due to not being able to pass a drug test. We were then certain that a good portion of the "food and extras" monies that we had been giving him was being used to fund his drug (and what ever else he did) habit.
I don't think it was the idea of him using pot that killed me. It was the lies and his lack of respect for the sacrifices our family was going through in order for him to accomplish what he said he wanted. When the whole thing broke loose, (of course he chose to do this when my husband wasn't home) he swore he would quit. I offered him any type of "help" available to accomplish it.
But, for him to stay at home and continue to use a car that is in my name and on my insurance, he would have to prove that he was staying on track by being tested. And that's when everything changed and it gave him the window he was looking for to leave. He's 20 and I understand wanting to be on his own, maybe even needing to be. He knew that my husband and I, even with money as tight as it is, were willing to try to work with him to help him move out. We were hoping to be able to supplement any loans or salary he earned this summer so that he could.
Unfortunately, he has become a huge liability. Last night I found pot in our home and he admitted he had it in our car. I can't afford to stand by him or protect him. His choices have made it too risky. The last time I felt this way was when my mom died. I almost think I'm more lost than he is.
Once again, thank you to everyone for your caring hearts.
Hi Keiran, You did the right thing. Don't feel guilty. He's an adult now, and he can make his own choices...I know that sounds cold, but he's a big boy now...
keiran stop beating yourself up...you've done your best as a parent and it's time for your son to start living his life...and that means he'll make mistakes big and small...but it the only way to learn...it's hard for you now and it may be a few rocky years ahead but he will be better for it
i got kicked out for having a bag of SHAKE under my bed. not even buds. just shake, grass clippings. my mom kicked me out.she cried on the steps while i moved my mattress into the pickup truck. i lived in a house with 2 alcoholics and a guy that was on roids bench pressing 300 in the living room. the house was also used as a middle safe house where two parties of drug dealers would meet to sell coke. guns in the trunk and stuff. i would come home wondering if all my stuff was gonna still be in my room. worst 3 months of my life.
it's just pot, but what are you exposing him to by kicking him out? I was 21.
get him back.
Van '98, Sea I+II '00, Sea '01, Sea II '02, Van '03, Gorge, Van, Cal, Edm '05, Bos I+II, Phi I+II, DC, SF II+III, Port, Gorge I+II '06, DC, NY I+II '08, Sea I+II, Van, Ridge , LA III+IV' 09, Indy '10, Cal, Van '11, Lond, Van, Sea '13, Memphis '14, RRHOF '17, Sea I+II '18
i got kicked out for having a bag of SHAKE under my bed. not even buds. just shake, grass clippings. my mom kicked me out.she cried on the steps while i moved my mattress into the pickup truck. i lived in a house with 2 alcoholics and a guy that was on roids bench pressing 300 in the living room. the house was also used as a middle safe house where two parties of drug dealers would meet to sell coke. guns in the trunk and stuff. i would come home wondering if all my stuff was gonna still be in my room. worst 3 months of my life.
it's just pot, but what are you exposing him to by kicking him out? I was 21.
get him back.
Sorry if I wasn't clear earlier. He wasn't kicked out. He CHOSE to leave. I agree pot isn't "the end of the world" but it still is illegal, even though it's probably no worse than alcohol. When someone is funding your entire life and your entire education, you have an obligation to conduct yourself in a manner that abides by their standards.
And the standard in our home has always been no illegal substances are to be there or are to be used. He CHOSE to walk away from his home. At no point would I have ever "thrown him out." But, since he CHOSE to do drugs he has to be accountable for his actions. And our accountability was that we get him any help he needed or wanted and he had to pass drug tests in the future to show that he was living up to his end of the deal.
Up to this point, his dad and I have more than fulfilled our end of the agreement of putting him through college and yes even funding the 5th year master's program he was interested in.
I wish I could "get him back" with all of my heart. I would love nothing more than to throw my arms around him and hold him and make it all better. My God, he's my son, I'd die for him.
But you can't make people do what is best for them. Even when they know you are right, pride often derails reason. All I can do is wait.
I realize you're trying to set a moral standard, but would this even be an issue if pot was legal? Do you agree with prohibition? Do YOU have much experience with any drugs? Is legality the only basis for pulling all of his privileges? Has their been ANY compromise, or are you just saying 'my way or the highway'? Important questions...
Yes, he's living under your roof, so he's bound by your rules...BUT....he IS an adult and should have SOME say in how he lives his life while under your roof. I will also suggest that, at 20, maybe he should be told to get his own car and start paying rent anyway? Make him understand that it takes personal responsibility to earn freedom kinda thing....but...kinda sounds like that's what you did and he chose to leave. Sorry to hear it's been so hard on you. parental guilt has got to be the worst feeling...but you're only looking out for him - no reason to feel guilty about that!
That said, I have to go with the people saying 'it's only pot'...(shocker, I know )
I'm sure he feels the same way and can't get his head around why you think it's such a big deal (if that really IS all he's using).
A little related story (think I've told it here before):
When I was 16 or 17, a group of friends and I kept getting caught being drunk/stoned/lying about our whereabouts (ie: telling our parent's we were at each others' houses to stay out all night)....
Our parents decided to call a big conference...the whole group of friends, and ALL of our parents...
We thought we were going to be crucified.
But it turned out to be the most productive, progressive thing that could have happened....
Everyone bounced ideas and gripes off each other, got different perspectives and different ways to handle discipline and what was 'allowable'. In the end, we ALL got our curfews removed and were allowed to drink in our homes, as long as all the parents were informed and drivers were arranged. EVERYONE left happy.
The pot thing wasn't addressed as specifically (they didn't want to condone it, but I think most of the parents there eased up on it after hearing how other parents were dealing with it).
I guess I bring it up to suggest that maybe perspectives from other parents in your exact situation (from his social circle if possible) might help. Listening to us PJ fans turn it into a drug debate?... probably not so much...
just saw your last post. I"d be gone if someone tried to drug test me, too. Way too invasive for a 20 yr old imho. My parents threatened me with one in the same time period I mention above (16), even that young, I told them straight up that I'd leave if they tried....There has to be trust....and compromise.
For the record - every kid at that parent/druggy conference grew to be productive, successful people. Not one of us became crack addicts, or whatever the gateway fear is...
It doesn't matter what I think about pot, where I live it is illegal. I think it's also ludicrous that in approximately 160 days our judicial system feels my son's going to grow up and be so much more responsible for his behavior than he is now, that he could legally sit on the couch and have a beer. It doesn't make much sense but it is the law. He has to be 21 to legally drink alcohol and unless he has a medical reason for possession and using pot, it's always illegal.
There are numerous laws I follow each and every day that I think are absolutely ridiculous. But I value my freedom to move about unlike those who are incarcerated. I fear the injustices of our legal system and I'm not wealthy enough to hire a big named lawyer to get my ass out of trouble - just because I think a low is frivolous and shouldn't apply to me.
If obeying laws so that I don't spend time in jail or have a criminal record is setting a "moral standard" - then yes - that's what this is all about. Me making my point. :roll:
Title says it all. Willing to throw away free room /board/food/laundry and the fully paid college tuition bill courtesy of his dad an me. He has too much dignity to be drug tested. Yet not enough character to not have every sound that comes from his mouth be couched in a lie.
And yeah, it's only pot, it's cool. Well, it's not. It doesn't matter if it's no less harmful than alcohol or cigarettes, it's illegal. A stupid law is still a law and breaking it can only lead to trouble - trouble that I'm not willing to have or fund.
I feel like throwing up and my heart hurts. He's not a child, he's 20. And yet in so many ways more foolish than an toddler. Made him give me back the keys to my car and his cell phone. I figure he wants to be a man and not have any input from "the controlling bitch" then he doesn't need access things he didn't pay for.
I feel like I'm in a pit of nightmares and my soul is being torn apart by jackals. I don't know if I should cry or spit from anger.
Way to stand up to the problem...your decision took both guts and a clear-thinking head. Don't let all these damn pot-heads on this board make you feel bad about your decision. It is true that pot is NOT cool nor is it legal. Good Job.
All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a thousand enemies, and whenever they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you, digger, listener, runner, prince with the swift warning. Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be destroyed.
I have read all the posts so far and have my own opinion. I am a recovering drug/alcohol addict. It did start with drinking and smoking pot. After a few years, I was using heroin and had a serious problem. I have been sober for over 5 years. You have every right to hold your child responsible for his behavior. You certainly do not want to enable him to continue to smoke pot. Given his age and lack of honesty, I firmly believe you did what is in the best interest of your child. I imagine this was going on for quite some time before you made the decision and I know that you probably are second guessing yourself. Don't, if your child is an addict, his addiction (if it is one) will progress. The truth is, many people progress quicker in their own homes because their parents continue to support them for fear that the child will not be able to make it on his/her own. You may be saving your child's life. On the other hand, I have had several friends who experimented, sometimes heavily, with drugs and grew out of it. Your child might meet this profile. If that's the case, he will get it out of his system at some point and move on. This is not unusual. Either way, you made a tough decision in the best interest of everybody involved, including your child. I commend you for that. Not enough parents are willing to do what you did.
I think you just said what I was trying to say, only with much more compassion and support. So, seconded.
Sorry if I wasn't clear earlier. He wasn't kicked out. He CHOSE to leave. I agree pot isn't "the end of the world" but it still is illegal, even though it's probably no worse than alcohol. When someone is funding your entire life and your entire education, you have an obligation to conduct yourself in a manner that abides by their standards.
And the standard in our home has always been no illegal substances are to be there or are to be used. He CHOSE to walk away from his home. At no point would I have ever "thrown him out." But, since he CHOSE to do drugs he has to be accountable for his actions. And our accountability was that we get him any help he needed or wanted and he had to pass drug tests in the future to show that he was living up to his end of the deal.
Up to this point, his dad and I have more than fulfilled our end of the agreement of putting him through college and yes even funding the 5th year master's program he was interested in.
I wish I could "get him back" with all of my heart. I would love nothing more than to throw my arms around him and hold him and make it all better. My God, he's my son, I'd die for him.
But you can't make people do what is best for them. Even when they know you are right, pride often derails reason. All I can do is wait.
It doesn't matter what I think about pot, where I live it is illegal. I think it's also ludicrous that in approximately 160 days our judicial system feels my son's going to grow up and be so much more responsible for his behavior than he is now, that he could legally sit on the couch and have a beer. It doesn't make much sense but it is the law. He has to be 21 to legally drink alcohol and unless he has a medical reason for possession and using pot, it's always illegal.
There are numerous laws I follow each and every day that I think are absolutely ridiculous. But I value my freedom to move about unlike those who are incarcerated. I fear the injustices of our legal system and I'm not wealthy enough to hire a big named lawyer to get my ass out of trouble - just because I think a low is frivolous and shouldn't apply to me.
If obeying laws so that I don't spend time in jail or have a criminal record is setting a "moral standard" - then yes - that's what this is all about. Me making my point. :roll:
Hey, you put this out there…everyone is free to comment as they see fit.
Apparently I struck a chord somewhere in there…maybe I worded things badly, or came across more harshly than intended, but my intent was to help. Sorry, but now I feel the need to defend my views and stop caring if I piss you off. Tough love, right?
I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty (see my response to tybird below), and as a parent (albeit, of much younger kids), I realize the importance of sticking to your guns…but if something in this post makes you feel that way, maybe there’s a reason. he’s legally an adult, that’s fact. If he doesn’t want to live by your rules, and you’re not willing to bend, then you had to know this is how it would turn out.
I notice in your second paragraph you make this about YOU…..Tell me…is this about drugs, or about your son being the person YOU want him to be, or more like you????
this is HIS choice. As an adult. You have every right to set the rules in your household, but just because you feel this way about the topic, does not mean he will see it the same way. Forcing your views on him will never work. hell, gentle persuasion rarely works either…he sees you as an obstacle. He’ll go around you or over you, but you won’t stop him from making his own choices. That's why he's lying to you...to avoid a collision with an immovable object.
You make it sound like it’s YOUR problem if he gets caught – its not. Unless he’s dealing out of your house (doubtful, but if so you’d be right to boot him), then you have nothing to worry about legally. Carrying in your car is a concern (depending on where you live), but like I said….at 20, maybe he shouldn’t be driving it in the first place? You don’t have to worry about a lawyer. He does.
If you think the legal issue is something worth issuing an ultimatum over, fine. But don’t’ EXPECT people to bow to your ultimatums, then complain that they didn’t, esp if it’s possible that you share his views on the legal issue you’re taking a stand over (I say possible because you avoided answering my question).
If your son is in a Masters program at 20, I’m guessing he’s more mature, and capable of making better decisions than you’re giving him credit for.
Way to stand up to the problem...your decision took both guts and a clear-thinking head. Don't let all these damn pot-heads on this board make you feel bad about your decision. It is true that pot is NOT cool nor is it legal. Good Job.
Her son is a ‘damn pothead’, and left home because she stood up to the problem. That’s not the outcome she wanted, so I was asking questions to try to figure out if there is another way it could have been handled. Thanks for letting us know that pot is illegal :roll: Oh…and who said it was cool? How’s the air up there? Glass house intact?…damn tight ass geeks :roll:
people, kieran is hurting. she doesn't know if she will ever see her son again. whether you agree or disagree with her, she is going thru a difficult time. have some compassion.
people, kieran is hurting. she doesn't know if she will ever see her son again. whether you agree or disagree with her, she is going thru a difficult time. have some compassion.
She'll see her son again. He's smoking pot ffs, not some crazed meth addict. That kind of comment, along with the gateway theory BS is what made me want to post in this thread in the first place.
I already explained that I was trying to help, but I felt attacked after my first post.... If the OP is taking other opinions so personally, maybe she shouldn't have used a public forum full of 'damn potheads' to seek solace in regards to a sensitive, personal and controversial issue? EVERY thread related to parenting gets heated, throw drugs in the mix and....ya, playin with fire.
I know I'm diggin a bigger hole here, but I don't really care....there are many (what I consider to be) misinformed opinions in this thread, most of them posted in support of Keiran's position. I wanted to share my (misinformed?) opinion, that's my perogative.
I do absolutely have compassion for Keiran, but I have it for her son too, who probably feels just as shitty and confused about all of this as she does. Because my views are likely more aligned with his, I'm playing devil's advocate.
Keiran - between you taking offense to my post and tybird's school-yard-clique name calling, I let my frustration show in my last post and WAS overly harsh, so I apologize for that.
0
mickeyrat
up my ass, like Chadwick was up his Posts: 35,648
its not part of growing up... its straight up ingrateful... theres no reason to put your parents through the kind of hell the OP is going through
whether its pot, pills, or meth you live under their roof and have your tuition paid for you should be grateful enough to abide by their rules... or atleast smart enough not to get caught...
im 21 years old and thats common sense to me and the people i associate with
Ignorant? Have you ever been to rehab? Battled drug addiction? REAL drug addiction? Battled your parents, family, and loved ones through it? Heard and given all the excuses? I've LIVED it my man. My opinion is anything but ignorant on this subject. Easy to say not to get caught, but the first thing to go is memory... "shit, where'd I put that pipe... oh no!"
"He should be grateful"... says you. Maybe he just looked at it different and decided the free stuff wasn't worth the toll it took on his freedom and social life. Maybe it's a bad decision, maybe it's not. But she can't make it for him and he's old enough to make the call himself. The training wheels have to come off some day. Smoking a bit of pot is not HELL. If the guy was headed off to shoot heroin on the street, that'd be one thing. But he's a college kid smoking a bit of weed. If him moving out into his own place or with friends to party a bit in college is the worst problem she has to confront as a parent, she is a very lucky parent indeed. Sure, it's a bummer, but it's a long way from the end of the world or his life or any absurd histrionics.
yah i figured you lived it... thats why i was surprised you would justify it... you didnt learn anything from living it yourself?? not that your situation directly compares to a little pot... but thats not to say that this kids pot use couldnt lead to other shit...
ive lived on the other side of it "my man" so i can relate to the OP more than i can to you
i dont think its a matter of opinion... "toll on his freedom and social life"?? thats fuckin childish... theres people all around the world that would kill for the opportunity this kid has... theres plenty of time for freedom after school... hell, college alone is freedom enough! doesnt sound like the OP was really all that smothering... just looking out for the kids best interest... running away is taking the easiest possible route
Here's the thing. This young man sounds an awful lot like I was. I wasn't going to be told anything. Reguardless of the tuition paid or not. He doing as he sees fit.Until he doesn't see fit. End of story.
She and her husband made the right move , in my opinion. I fucked off the better part of 24 YEARS drinking and drugging. Part of what made that possible was me living\/Sponging off an family or friend that would have me. it wasn't until there was no one else , did I pull my head out of my ass and ask for help. Here's praying to whatever you believe in that he makes it out sooner rather than later.
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
It doesn't matter what I think about pot, where I live it is illegal. I think it's also ludicrous that in approximately 160 days our judicial system feels my son's going to grow up and be so much more responsible for his behavior than he is now, that he could legally sit on the couch and have a beer. It doesn't make much sense but it is the law. He has to be 21 to legally drink alcohol and unless he has a medical reason for possession and using pot, it's always illegal.
There are numerous laws I follow each and every day that I think are absolutely ridiculous. But I value my freedom to move about unlike those who are incarcerated. I fear the injustices of our legal system and I'm not wealthy enough to hire a big named lawyer to get my ass out of trouble - just because I think a low is frivolous and shouldn't apply to me.
If obeying laws so that I don't spend time in jail or have a criminal record is setting a "moral standard" - then yes - that's what this is all about. Me making my point. :roll:
Hey, you put this out there…everyone is free to comment as they see fit.
Apparently I struck a chord somewhere in there…maybe I worded things badly, or came across more harshly than intended, but my intent was to help. Sorry, but now I feel the need to defend my views and stop caring if I piss you off. Tough love, right?
I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty (see my response to tybird below), and as a parent (albeit, of much younger kids), I realize the importance of sticking to your guns…but if something in this post makes you feel that way, maybe there’s a reason. he’s legally an adult, that’s fact. If he doesn’t want to live by your rules, and you’re not willing to bend, then you had to know this is how it would turn out.
I notice in your second paragraph you make this about YOU…..Tell me…is this about drugs, or about your son being the person YOU want him to be, or more like you????
this is HIS choice. As an adult. You have every right to set the rules in your household, but just because you feel this way about the topic, does not mean he will see it the same way. Forcing your views on him will never work. hell, gentle persuasion rarely works either…he sees you as an obstacle. He’ll go around you or over you, but you won’t stop him from making his own choices. That's why he's lying to you...to avoid a collision with an immovable object.
You make it sound like it’s YOUR problem if he gets caught – its not. Unless he’s dealing out of your house (doubtful, but if so you’d be right to boot him), then you have nothing to worry about legally. Carrying in your car is a concern (depending on where you live), but like I said….at 20, maybe he shouldn’t be driving it in the first place? You don’t have to worry about a lawyer. He does.
If you think the legal issue is something worth issuing an ultimatum over, fine. But don’t’ EXPECT people to bow to your ultimatums, then complain that they didn’t, esp if it’s possible that you share his views on the legal issue you’re taking a stand over (I say possible because you avoided answering my question).
If your son is in a Masters program at 20, I’m guessing he’s more mature, and capable of making better decisions than you’re giving him credit for.
Way to stand up to the problem...your decision took both guts and a clear-thinking head. Don't let all these damn pot-heads on this board make you feel bad about your decision. It is true that pot is NOT cool nor is it legal. Good Job.
Her son is a ‘damn pothead’, and left home because she stood up to the problem. That’s not the outcome she wanted, so I was asking questions to try to figure out if there is another way it could have been handled. Thanks for letting us know that pot is illegal :roll: Oh…and who said it was cool? How’s the air up there? Glass house intact?…damn tight ass geeks :roll:
Bravo!
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
-Oscar Wilde
It doesn't matter what I think about pot, where I live it is illegal. I think it's also ludicrous that in approximately 160 days our judicial system feels my son's going to grow up and be so much more responsible for his behavior than he is now, that he could legally sit on the couch and have a beer. It doesn't make much sense but it is the law. He has to be 21 to legally drink alcohol and unless he has a medical reason for possession and using pot, it's always illegal.
There are numerous laws I follow each and every day that I think are absolutely ridiculous. But I value my freedom to move about unlike those who are incarcerated. I fear the injustices of our legal system and I'm not wealthy enough to hire a big named lawyer to get my ass out of trouble - just because I think a low is frivolous and shouldn't apply to me.
If obeying laws so that I don't spend time in jail or have a criminal record is setting a "moral standard" - then yes - that's what this is all about. Me making my point. :roll:
Hey, you put this out there…everyone is free to comment as they see fit.
Apparently I struck a chord somewhere in there…maybe I worded things badly, or came across more harshly than intended, but my intent was to help. Sorry, but now I feel the need to defend my views and stop caring if I piss you off. Tough love, right?
I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty (see my response to tybird below), and as a parent (albeit, of much younger kids), I realize the importance of sticking to your guns…but if something in this post makes you feel that way, maybe there’s a reason. he’s legally an adult, that’s fact. If he doesn’t want to live by your rules, and you’re not willing to bend, then you had to know this is how it would turn out.
I notice in your second paragraph you make this about YOU…..Tell me…is this about drugs, or about your son being the person YOU want him to be, or more like you????
this is HIS choice. As an adult. You have every right to set the rules in your household, but just because you feel this way about the topic, does not mean he will see it the same way. Forcing your views on him will never work. hell, gentle persuasion rarely works either…he sees you as an obstacle. He’ll go around you or over you, but you won’t stop him from making his own choices. That's why he's lying to you...to avoid a collision with an immovable object.
You make it sound like it’s YOUR problem if he gets caught – its not. Unless he’s dealing out of your house (doubtful, but if so you’d be right to boot him), then you have nothing to worry about legally. Carrying in your car is a concern (depending on where you live), but like I said….at 20, maybe he shouldn’t be driving it in the first place? You don’t have to worry about a lawyer. He does.
If you think the legal issue is something worth issuing an ultimatum over, fine. But don’t’ EXPECT people to bow to your ultimatums, then complain that they didn’t, esp if it’s possible that you share his views on the legal issue you’re taking a stand over (I say possible because you avoided answering my question).
If your son is in a Masters program at 20, I’m guessing he’s more mature, and capable of making better decisions than you’re giving him credit for.
Way to stand up to the problem...your decision took both guts and a clear-thinking head. Don't let all these damn pot-heads on this board make you feel bad about your decision. It is true that pot is NOT cool nor is it legal. Good Job.
Her son is a ‘damn pothead’, and left home because she stood up to the problem. That’s not the outcome she wanted, so I was asking questions to try to figure out if there is another way it could have been handled. Thanks for letting us know that pot is illegal :roll: Oh…and who said it was cool? How’s the air up there? Glass house intact?…damn tight ass geeks :roll:
Pot heads call people names....but people who do not like or approve of your noxious weed have no right to call people names???? You dope smokers have the most twisted logic....must be all that dope you smoked.
Oh by the way, the air is clear wherever I am because I think that grinding up plant matter, setting it on fire and inhaling the fumes is almost the ultimate folly of man. If you don't like my views on pot...man up...PM me....come to my house, I will give you the address...don't start calling me names.
All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a thousand enemies, and whenever they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you, digger, listener, runner, prince with the swift warning. Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be destroyed.
Like I said a few pages ago, I put this on a public forum and you as well as everyone else has the right to comment. I appreciate your apology - no hard feelings on my part.
Let me say this and maybe I'll be clearer, sorry at times I'm really struggling to focus. This is more about loving someone so much that you sacrifice everything you can in order to give a person the opportunity to achieve the dream they wanted and that they committed to finishing. The pot, while the final player on the stage, isn't really what it's all about.
It's about his selfishness and a lack of respect for everything and anything his dad and I are doing for him. It's about his unwillingness to accept responsibility for his choices. It's about his choice to close doors that will never be open to him again. And it's about the torture I feel as I watch him piss away a golden opportunity. He worked so hard to get where he was academically, he was in the position to be hired (and these are his words) for the perfect job to compliment his major - but couldn't accept the job because of drug testing. I've watched him literally destroy everything he has worked for and shit all over his dad and I in the process.
I'm not trying to be preachy about anything. Please understand, I'm just heartbroken.
No, he was going to be starting the application process and preparing to test next year.
Wow, that future perfect verb tense is painful. Cause I've got a horrible feeling there's not too much perfection in the near future. Irony . . .
Gotcha. Don't sweat it. If he's bright, he'll be fine. Hell, I've been arrested for drunk driving three times and I still managed to get into and finish law school. Even if he gets busted, his life will be ok. He's going to be fine and he's too young to hold something like this against you forever. He wants to stretch his wings, make some of his own choices. It's no big deal. You stood your ground. In the end, he will understand that and respect it, even if he disagrees. But you need to relax a bit. Have a glass of wine and curl up with a book or movie or something. He's not dead or anything. You will see him plenty more once things cool off. Your son is going to do and say things you don't like, just as you will say and do things he doesn't. You'll both have to learn to live with that and I'm sure you both will. For now, let him go out there and make some decisions on his own. Even if you'd make different choices, he needs to make his own to learn what works for him.
Like I said a few pages ago, I put this on a public forum and you as well as everyone else has the right to comment. I appreciate your apology - no hard feelings on my part.
Let me say this and maybe I'll be clearer, sorry at times I'm really struggling to focus. This is more about loving someone so much that you sacrifice everything you can in order to give a person the opportunity to achieve the dream they wanted and that they committed to finishing. The pot, while the final player on the stage, isn't really what it's all about.
It's about his selfishness and a lack of respect for everything and anything his dad and I are doing for him. It's about his unwillingness to accept responsibility for his choices. It's about his choice to close doors that will never be open to him again. And it's about the torture I feel as I watch him piss away a golden opportunity. He worked so hard to get where he was academically, he was in the position to be hired (and these are his words) for the perfect job to compliment his major - but couldn't accept the job because of drug testing. I've watched him literally destroy everything he has worked for and shit all over his dad and I in the process.
I'm not trying to be preachy about anything. Please understand, I'm just heartbroken.
Understand that some don't see his choice as pissing away anything but rather that he chose to keep his own personal freedom/the ability to make his own choices and live his life as he sees fit... and placed more value on that principle than the comforts that come with along with more money and free shelter.
You have every right to make rules for your home but you have to also weigh those decisions against the amount of suffering you're experiencing now as a result of them. The reasons you made up your rules, in the end, must to be more important to you than the reason you're feeling so much pain now as a result. That's just logic.
He shouldn't have lied to you...but I also understand that this often occurs when a person feels that they are being unfairly judged or misunderstood.
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
-Oscar Wilde
Pot heads call people names....but people who do not like or approve of your noxious weed have no right to call people names???? You dope smokers have the most twisted logic....must be all that dope you smoked.
Oh by the way, the air is clear wherever I am because I think that grinding up plant matter, setting it on fire and inhaling the fumes is almost the ultimate folly of man. If you don't like my views on pot...man up...PM me....come to my house, I will give you the address...don't start calling me names.
I generally like you dude, but your views on marijuana are just... weird. I can think of a few greater follies than smoking weed (atom bombs, Hitler's ovens, child molesters... you know, REAL stuff... or if you want to limit to personal choices, how about abusive alcoholics, heroin addicts giving AIDS to their babies, or Native American using peyote in vision quests? I mean, let's have some perspective here). Did you get beat up by stoners in high school or something? Your aggression seems pretty personal and disproportionate.
No, he was going to be starting the application process and preparing to test next year.
Wow, that future perfect verb tense is painful. Cause I've got a horrible feeling there's not too much perfection in the near future. Irony . . .
Gotcha. Don't sweat it. If he's bright, he'll be fine. Hell, I've been arrested for drunk driving three times and I still managed to get into and finish law school. Even if he gets busted, his life will be ok. He's going to be fine and he's too young to hold something like this against you forever. He wants to stretch his wings, make some of his own choices. It's no big deal. You stood your ground. In the end, he will understand that and respect it, even if he disagrees. But you need to relax a bit. Have a glass of wine and curl up with a book or movie or something. He's not dead or anything. You will see him plenty more once things cool off. Your son is going to do and say things you don't like, just as you will say and do things he doesn't. You'll both have to learn to live with that and I'm sure you both will. For now, let him go out there and make some decisions on his own. Even if you'd make different choices, he needs to make his own to learn what works for him.
The dwi's might haunt you when it comes to sit the bar exam.
All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a thousand enemies, and whenever they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you, digger, listener, runner, prince with the swift warning. Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be destroyed.
Pot heads call people names....but people who do not like or approve of your noxious weed have no right to call people names???? You dope smokers have the most twisted logic....must be all that dope you smoked.
Oh by the way, the air is clear wherever I am because I think that grinding up plant matter, setting it on fire and inhaling the fumes is almost the ultimate folly of man. If you don't like my views on pot...man up...PM me....come to my house, I will give you the address...don't start calling me names.
I generally like you dude, but your views on marijuana are just... weird. I can think of a few greater follies than smoking weed (atom bombs, Hitler's ovens, child molesters... you know, REAL stuff... or if you want to limit to personal choices, how about abusive alcoholics, heroin addicts giving AIDS to their babies, or Native American using peyote in vision quests? I mean, let's have some perspective here). Did you get beat up by stoners in high school or something? Your aggression seems pretty personal and disproportionate.
I am highly allergic to the stuff. :twisted: I really enjoy breathing through a snot-free nose as much as possible...it's all about your "freedoms" encroaching on my "freedoms." I happen to value my "freedoms", in this case breathing, over other persons' rights to pollute the air.
...and folly was viewed as a species-wide activity....and I didn't say it was the greatest....just a great one...and a very wide-spread one since tobacco would also be included.
All the world will be your enemy, Prince with a thousand enemies, and whenever they catch you, they will kill you. But first they must catch you, digger, listener, runner, prince with the swift warning. Be cunning and full of tricks and your people shall never be destroyed.
Like I said a few pages ago, I put this on a public forum and you as well as everyone else has the right to comment. I appreciate your apology - no hard feelings on my part.
Let me say this and maybe I'll be clearer, sorry at times I'm really struggling to focus. This is more about loving someone so much that you sacrifice everything you can in order to give a person the opportunity to achieve the dream they wanted and that they committed to finishing. The pot, while the final player on the stage, isn't really what it's all about.
It's about his selfishness and a lack of respect for everything and anything his dad and I are doing for him. It's about his unwillingness to accept responsibility for his choices. It's about his choice to close doors that will never be open to him again. And it's about the torture I feel as I watch him piss away a golden opportunity. He worked so hard to get where he was academically, he was in the position to be hired (and these are his words) for the perfect job to compliment his major - but couldn't accept the job because of drug testing. I've watched him literally destroy everything he has worked for and shit all over his dad and I in the process.
I'm not trying to be preachy about anything. Please understand, I'm just heartbroken.
He IS accepting responsibility. You gave him a choice, and he made a decision. If he wasn't taking responsibility, he'd still be at home trying to find sneaky ways around his rules. You keep talking about how grateful he should be to you and his dad... maybe these jobs and opportunities are what YOU want for him, not what HE wants for himself. You cannot tell him who to be or what he has to do with his life. He is entitled to live it as he sees fit, even if it doesn't match the plan you have in your head for him. I can guarantee my parents never thought they'd be bailing their national merit scholar out of overnight lockup... let alone multiple times or sending him to rehab or seeing him serve jailtime. But I HAD to learn those lessons myself, and when I did I came out ok if I do say so myself. In fact, I'd say those mistakes made me a far better person. You and your son will get through this. But what you need to do now is to not take this personally or see it as a failure on your part or ingratitude on his. He appreciates all you've done for him I am sure, even if he isn't letting you see it now. He hasn't destroyed anything yet as far as I can tell... he's still in school isn't he? He's just not working the summer job you want for him.
Lastly, show me a teenager that never lied to his/her parents and I'll show you a teenager that is not right in the head.
I generally like you dude, but your views on marijuana are just... weird. I can think of a few greater follies than smoking weed (atom bombs, Hitler's ovens, child molesters... you know, REAL stuff... or if you want to limit to personal choices, how about abusive alcoholics, heroin addicts giving AIDS to their babies, or Native American using peyote in vision quests? I mean, let's have some perspective here). Did you get beat up by stoners in high school or something? Your aggression seems pretty personal and disproportionate.
I am highly allergic to the stuff. :twisted: I really enjoy breathing through a snot-free nose as much as possible...it's all about your "freedoms" encroaching on my "freedoms." I happen to value my "freedoms", in this case breathing, over other persons' rights to pollute the air.
...and folly was viewed as a species-wide activity....and I didn't say it was the greatest....just a great one...and a very wide-spread one since tobacco would also be included.
Do you really spend a lot of time choking on pot smoke? I don't see many people hanging out on the street smoking it these days... what with fear of the cops and all. It can't be that big a problem for you man. I can see it being annoying if you're allergic, but come on. I know people with peanut allergies and they don't talk about people that eat snickers bars like they're evil, stupid bastards for doing it, even though the peanut dust can kill them. I think you're being a bit of a drama queen here.
Comments
well said!
you did what was right for you, what you think is right for your son...and you let him maake his own decision. he did. it may not be the decision you;d hope for, and it seems you may 'blame' yourself for what you percieve as his poor choices....but bottomline, his life, his choice. we all can look back at such and lament the 'loss'......his opportunities squandered, the chances you are giving him, etc. however, it is his life and his choice to make. who knows what he'll learn from it all? i absolutely do hope it's simply a phase, and/or experimentation. i've been there myself, and enjoyed it immensely. :P that said, i watched both my sisters leave home at 17 and 18 b/c of my very restrictive parents. by the time i came of age, my parents were split, i think they both were worn out by the older 2
bottomline, you did the right thing. tough love. hopefully in time he appreciates it for what it is, and hopefully it all will simply be life-learning for him and he'll find his way and his own path to happiness and success. do NOT beat yourself up over it, being a good parent is NOT an easy job and certainly not always pretty nor appreciated. good luck to you both!
Let's just breathe...
I am myself like you somehow
He is 20 and still living under your roof... if he doesn't like the rules, and thinks that life will be "better" elsewhere, then there isn't anything that you can do. It's not like he is 15 years old and is throwing his life away... He might act like it, but he is an adult, and sometimes fending for yourself is the only way that he will "wake up".
My son is still to young to even think about this, but I've seen my older brother put my parents through hell (and to a lesser extent my sister-in-law to my wife's parents). I can't image how tough that it must be to basically kick them out, but at some point they need to see what life is like without the free ride.
Maybe in a couple of months he will be back, realizing how good he had it... maybe it will take a couple of years... he knows that you love him, but it might take many days down the road, to realize exactly what that means.
Good luck...
was like a picture
of a sunny day
“We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”
― Abraham Lincoln
sadly took me to be ohh, id say 23 to realize how awful i was.
hope he figures it out
Totally agree. First I feel for you Kieran and I pray it'll get better as time goes by.
Long story short I had to kick my 19 year old son out of my house, not drug related though, 4 years ago as he thought he could do what he wanted as he was home from college. Killed me but I had to be a parent first and not a friend as his mother treated him (we're divorced).
Took him awhile to come around but now things are going well and he's in his 4th year of college. Spent the weekend with him last month and I pray I never have to do it again with any of my other children. So even though the situation is different I know the heart wrenching you are going thru.
You did the right thing...................
Roberto Clemente.
My husband has suspected for a while that our son was on drugs. I guess I did too, but my questions were always answered with lies that I chose to believe. The truth finally came out when his pathetic excuses for not being able to get a job this summer became even too ridiculous for me to swallow. He was forced to admit that it was due to not being able to pass a drug test. We were then certain that a good portion of the "food and extras" monies that we had been giving him was being used to fund his drug (and what ever else he did) habit.
I don't think it was the idea of him using pot that killed me. It was the lies and his lack of respect for the sacrifices our family was going through in order for him to accomplish what he said he wanted. When the whole thing broke loose, (of course he chose to do this when my husband wasn't home) he swore he would quit. I offered him any type of "help" available to accomplish it.
But, for him to stay at home and continue to use a car that is in my name and on my insurance, he would have to prove that he was staying on track by being tested. And that's when everything changed and it gave him the window he was looking for to leave. He's 20 and I understand wanting to be on his own, maybe even needing to be. He knew that my husband and I, even with money as tight as it is, were willing to try to work with him to help him move out. We were hoping to be able to supplement any loans or salary he earned this summer so that he could.
Unfortunately, he has become a huge liability. Last night I found pot in our home and he admitted he had it in our car. I can't afford to stand by him or protect him. His choices have made it too risky. The last time I felt this way was when my mom died. I almost think I'm more lost than he is.
Once again, thank you to everyone for your caring hearts.
it's just pot, but what are you exposing him to by kicking him out? I was 21.
get him back.
Sorry if I wasn't clear earlier. He wasn't kicked out. He CHOSE to leave. I agree pot isn't "the end of the world" but it still is illegal, even though it's probably no worse than alcohol. When someone is funding your entire life and your entire education, you have an obligation to conduct yourself in a manner that abides by their standards.
And the standard in our home has always been no illegal substances are to be there or are to be used. He CHOSE to walk away from his home. At no point would I have ever "thrown him out." But, since he CHOSE to do drugs he has to be accountable for his actions. And our accountability was that we get him any help he needed or wanted and he had to pass drug tests in the future to show that he was living up to his end of the deal.
Up to this point, his dad and I have more than fulfilled our end of the agreement of putting him through college and yes even funding the 5th year master's program he was interested in.
I wish I could "get him back" with all of my heart. I would love nothing more than to throw my arms around him and hold him and make it all better. My God, he's my son, I'd die for him.
But you can't make people do what is best for them. Even when they know you are right, pride often derails reason. All I can do is wait.
Yes, he's living under your roof, so he's bound by your rules...BUT....he IS an adult and should have SOME say in how he lives his life while under your roof. I will also suggest that, at 20, maybe he should be told to get his own car and start paying rent anyway? Make him understand that it takes personal responsibility to earn freedom kinda thing....but...kinda sounds like that's what you did and he chose to leave. Sorry to hear it's been so hard on you. parental guilt has got to be the worst feeling...but you're only looking out for him - no reason to feel guilty about that!
That said, I have to go with the people saying 'it's only pot'...(shocker, I know
I'm sure he feels the same way and can't get his head around why you think it's such a big deal (if that really IS all he's using).
A little related story (think I've told it here before):
When I was 16 or 17, a group of friends and I kept getting caught being drunk/stoned/lying about our whereabouts (ie: telling our parent's we were at each others' houses to stay out all night)....
Our parents decided to call a big conference...the whole group of friends, and ALL of our parents...
We thought we were going to be crucified.
But it turned out to be the most productive, progressive thing that could have happened....
Everyone bounced ideas and gripes off each other, got different perspectives and different ways to handle discipline and what was 'allowable'. In the end, we ALL got our curfews removed and were allowed to drink in our homes, as long as all the parents were informed and drivers were arranged. EVERYONE left happy.
The pot thing wasn't addressed as specifically (they didn't want to condone it, but I think most of the parents there eased up on it after hearing how other parents were dealing with it).
I guess I bring it up to suggest that maybe perspectives from other parents in your exact situation (from his social circle if possible) might help. Listening to us PJ fans turn it into a drug debate?... probably not so much...
For the record - every kid at that parent/druggy conference grew to be productive, successful people. Not one of us became crack addicts, or whatever the gateway fear is...
There are numerous laws I follow each and every day that I think are absolutely ridiculous. But I value my freedom to move about unlike those who are incarcerated. I fear the injustices of our legal system and I'm not wealthy enough to hire a big named lawyer to get my ass out of trouble - just because I think a low is frivolous and shouldn't apply to me.
If obeying laws so that I don't spend time in jail or have a criminal record is setting a "moral standard" - then yes - that's what this is all about. Me making my point. :roll:
I think you just said what I was trying to say, only with much more compassion and support. So, seconded.
He's in a master's program at age 20?
Apparently I struck a chord somewhere in there…maybe I worded things badly, or came across more harshly than intended, but my intent was to help. Sorry, but now I feel the need to defend my views and stop caring if I piss you off. Tough love, right?
I wasn’t trying to make you feel guilty (see my response to tybird below), and as a parent (albeit, of much younger kids), I realize the importance of sticking to your guns…but if something in this post makes you feel that way, maybe there’s a reason. he’s legally an adult, that’s fact. If he doesn’t want to live by your rules, and you’re not willing to bend, then you had to know this is how it would turn out.
I notice in your second paragraph you make this about YOU…..Tell me…is this about drugs, or about your son being the person YOU want him to be, or more like you????
this is HIS choice. As an adult. You have every right to set the rules in your household, but just because you feel this way about the topic, does not mean he will see it the same way. Forcing your views on him will never work. hell, gentle persuasion rarely works either…he sees you as an obstacle. He’ll go around you or over you, but you won’t stop him from making his own choices. That's why he's lying to you...to avoid a collision with an immovable object.
You make it sound like it’s YOUR problem if he gets caught – its not. Unless he’s dealing out of your house (doubtful, but if so you’d be right to boot him), then you have nothing to worry about legally. Carrying in your car is a concern (depending on where you live), but like I said….at 20, maybe he shouldn’t be driving it in the first place? You don’t have to worry about a lawyer. He does.
If you think the legal issue is something worth issuing an ultimatum over, fine. But don’t’ EXPECT people to bow to your ultimatums, then complain that they didn’t, esp if it’s possible that you share his views on the legal issue you’re taking a stand over (I say possible because you avoided answering my question).
If your son is in a Masters program at 20, I’m guessing he’s more mature, and capable of making better decisions than you’re giving him credit for. Her son is a ‘damn pothead’, and left home because she stood up to the problem. That’s not the outcome she wanted, so I was asking questions to try to figure out if there is another way it could have been handled. Thanks for letting us know that pot is illegal :roll: Oh…and who said it was cool? How’s the air up there? Glass house intact?…damn tight ass geeks :roll:
No, he was going to be starting the application process and preparing to test next year.
Wow, that future perfect verb tense is painful. Cause I've got a horrible feeling there's not too much perfection in the near future. Irony . . .
I already explained that I was trying to help, but I felt attacked after my first post.... If the OP is taking other opinions so personally, maybe she shouldn't have used a public forum full of 'damn potheads' to seek solace in regards to a sensitive, personal and controversial issue? EVERY thread related to parenting gets heated, throw drugs in the mix and....ya, playin with fire.
I know I'm diggin a bigger hole here, but I don't really care....there are many (what I consider to be) misinformed opinions in this thread, most of them posted in support of Keiran's position. I wanted to share my (misinformed?) opinion, that's my perogative.
I do absolutely have compassion for Keiran, but I have it for her son too, who probably feels just as shitty and confused about all of this as she does. Because my views are likely more aligned with his, I'm playing devil's advocate.
Keiran - between you taking offense to my post and tybird's school-yard-clique name calling, I let my frustration show in my last post and WAS overly harsh, so I apologize for that.
She and her husband made the right move , in my opinion. I fucked off the better part of 24 YEARS drinking and drugging. Part of what made that possible was me living\/Sponging off an family or friend that would have me. it wasn't until there was no one else , did I pull my head out of my ass and ask for help. Here's praying to whatever you believe in that he makes it out sooner rather than later.
Not today Sir, Probably not tomorrow.............................................. bayfront arena st. pete '94
you're finally here and I'm a mess................................................... nationwide arena columbus '10
memories like fingerprints are slowly raising.................................... first niagara center buffalo '13
another man ..... moved by sleight of hand...................................... joe louis arena detroit '14
Bravo!
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
-Oscar Wilde
Oh by the way, the air is clear wherever I am because I think that grinding up plant matter, setting it on fire and inhaling the fumes is almost the ultimate folly of man. If you don't like my views on pot...man up...PM me....come to my house, I will give you the address...don't start calling me names.
Like I said a few pages ago, I put this on a public forum and you as well as everyone else has the right to comment. I appreciate your apology - no hard feelings on my part.
Let me say this and maybe I'll be clearer, sorry at times I'm really struggling to focus. This is more about loving someone so much that you sacrifice everything you can in order to give a person the opportunity to achieve the dream they wanted and that they committed to finishing. The pot, while the final player on the stage, isn't really what it's all about.
It's about his selfishness and a lack of respect for everything and anything his dad and I are doing for him. It's about his unwillingness to accept responsibility for his choices. It's about his choice to close doors that will never be open to him again. And it's about the torture I feel as I watch him piss away a golden opportunity. He worked so hard to get where he was academically, he was in the position to be hired (and these are his words) for the perfect job to compliment his major - but couldn't accept the job because of drug testing. I've watched him literally destroy everything he has worked for and shit all over his dad and I in the process.
I'm not trying to be preachy about anything. Please understand, I'm just heartbroken.
Gotcha. Don't sweat it. If he's bright, he'll be fine. Hell, I've been arrested for drunk driving three times and I still managed to get into and finish law school. Even if he gets busted, his life will be ok. He's going to be fine and he's too young to hold something like this against you forever. He wants to stretch his wings, make some of his own choices. It's no big deal. You stood your ground. In the end, he will understand that and respect it, even if he disagrees. But you need to relax a bit. Have a glass of wine and curl up with a book or movie or something. He's not dead or anything. You will see him plenty more once things cool off. Your son is going to do and say things you don't like, just as you will say and do things he doesn't. You'll both have to learn to live with that and I'm sure you both will. For now, let him go out there and make some decisions on his own. Even if you'd make different choices, he needs to make his own to learn what works for him.
Understand that some don't see his choice as pissing away anything but rather that he chose to keep his own personal freedom/the ability to make his own choices and live his life as he sees fit... and placed more value on that principle than the comforts that come with along with more money and free shelter.
You have every right to make rules for your home but you have to also weigh those decisions against the amount of suffering you're experiencing now as a result of them. The reasons you made up your rules, in the end, must to be more important to you than the reason you're feeling so much pain now as a result. That's just logic.
He shouldn't have lied to you...but I also understand that this often occurs when a person feels that they are being unfairly judged or misunderstood.
Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
-Oscar Wilde
I generally like you dude, but your views on marijuana are just... weird. I can think of a few greater follies than smoking weed (atom bombs, Hitler's ovens, child molesters... you know, REAL stuff... or if you want to limit to personal choices, how about abusive alcoholics, heroin addicts giving AIDS to their babies, or Native American using peyote in vision quests? I mean, let's have some perspective here). Did you get beat up by stoners in high school or something? Your aggression seems pretty personal and disproportionate.
...and folly was viewed as a species-wide activity....and I didn't say it was the greatest....just a great one...and a very wide-spread one since tobacco would also be included.
He IS accepting responsibility. You gave him a choice, and he made a decision. If he wasn't taking responsibility, he'd still be at home trying to find sneaky ways around his rules. You keep talking about how grateful he should be to you and his dad... maybe these jobs and opportunities are what YOU want for him, not what HE wants for himself. You cannot tell him who to be or what he has to do with his life. He is entitled to live it as he sees fit, even if it doesn't match the plan you have in your head for him. I can guarantee my parents never thought they'd be bailing their national merit scholar out of overnight lockup... let alone multiple times or sending him to rehab or seeing him serve jailtime. But I HAD to learn those lessons myself, and when I did I came out ok if I do say so myself. In fact, I'd say those mistakes made me a far better person. You and your son will get through this. But what you need to do now is to not take this personally or see it as a failure on your part or ingratitude on his. He appreciates all you've done for him I am sure, even if he isn't letting you see it now. He hasn't destroyed anything yet as far as I can tell... he's still in school isn't he? He's just not working the summer job you want for him.
Lastly, show me a teenager that never lied to his/her parents and I'll show you a teenager that is not right in the head.
Do you really spend a lot of time choking on pot smoke? I don't see many people hanging out on the street smoking it these days... what with fear of the cops and all. It can't be that big a problem for you man. I can see it being annoying if you're allergic, but come on. I know people with peanut allergies and they don't talk about people that eat snickers bars like they're evil, stupid bastards for doing it, even though the peanut dust can kill them. I think you're being a bit of a drama queen here.