Son just left home because of drugs

hollow bottle · May 2009

I have read all the posts so far and have my own opinion. I am a recovering drug/alcohol addict. It did start with drinking and smoking pot. After a few years, I was using heroin and had a serious problem. I have been sober for over 5 years. You have every right to hold your child responsible for his behavior. You certainly do not want to enable him to continue to smoke pot. Given his age and lack of honesty, I firmly believe you did what is in the best interest of your child. I imagine this was going on for quite some time before you made the decision and I know that you probably are second guessing yourself. Don't, if your child is an addict, his addiction (if it is one) will progress. The truth is, many people progress quicker in their own homes because their parents continue to support them for fear that the child will not be able to make it on his/her own. You may be saving your child's life. On the other hand, I have had several friends who experimented, sometimes heavily, with drugs and grew out of it. Your child might meet this profile. If that's the case, he will get it out of his system at some point and move on. This is not unusual. Either way, you made a tough decision in the best interest of everybody involved, including your child. I commend you for that. Not enough parents are willing to do what you did.

Keiran · May 2009

Thank you rollan for your words of encouragement. And to everyone else who has taken their time to reach out. I just am so lost and feel so alone. Obviously, I'm not though. I appreciate people's willingness to share their own stories of pain. Some of you are lucky enough to have survived and others of us are just beginning the heartbreaking journey of loving someone who at the moment is exhibiting extremely selfish behavior.

Right now, I don't think I'll ever see or hear from my son again. And if I do, I don't know how I'll ever believe anything he says to me. It terrifies me that if I'm ever lucky enough to hear "I love you mom" again that I won't have the heart to believe him.

I do believe in karma, and I'm not sure what I've done to deserve this. But, I am truly truly sorry for it.

I'm sure I won't sleep tonight so feel free to post.

Take care

catefrances · May 2009

Keiran wrote:

Thank you rollan for your words of encouragement. And to everyone else who has taken their time to reach out. I just am so lost and feel so alone. Obviously, I'm not though. I appreciate people's willingness to share their own stories of pain. Some of you are lucky enough to have survived and others of us are just beginning the heartbreaking journey of loving someone who at the moment is exhibiting extremely selfish behavior.

Right now, I don't think I'll ever see or hear from my son again. And if I do, I don't know how I'll ever believe anything he says to me. It terrifies me that if I'm ever lucky enough to hear "I love you mom" again that I won't have the heart to believe him.

I do believe in karma, and I'm not sure what I've done to deserve this. But, I am truly truly sorry for it.

I'm sure I won't sleep tonight so feel free to post.

Take care

what youve done to deserve this? what is this?
you have a child whos growing up and doing it his way. our kids do shit we wish they didnt. im sure there are parents here who did shit their parents wish they hadnt have. fuck knows i did. you did nothing to 'deserve this'. dont be so hard on yourself.

_ · May 2009

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Keiran. I'm not a parent, so I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. Try to remember..... this too shall pass.

I believe this could be a great growing experience for both of you and your relationship if you let it. He is an adult now, and must make decisions on his own and learn to be responsible for those decisions. You can't control him, but you also don't have to put up with any of his shit. It sounds like you gave him two options: 1. to stay, be supported by you, and follow your rules, or 2. if he's not willing to follow your rules, to move out and support himself. He chose option #2, as many people his age do. There is nothing wrong with this option, and it needs to happen sooner or later anyway. He will now have a great learning experience about hard work and responsibility and will likely become a better person from it. You will have to learn as well that you can't control him and that attempting to control him will only limit your access to him. Once he can take care of himself and has learned to value the hard work you have put into caring for him and learned that there are consequences for his actions, and once you have given up trying to control or judge him so he can feel comfortable being honest with you, then you will have an adult relationship with your son - and that is fulfilling on a whole new level for both of you.

I moved out of my parents' house when I was 17 - straight out of high school - because I didn't want to be controlled. I wasn't a drug user, but I did like to drink, come and go as I pleased, etc. (Although, it was the general dynamic of treating me like a child that caused me to leave - not because I wanted to party in my parents' house or anything. I would have refused to take a drug test as well, even though I wasn't doing drugs.) Anyway, I moved out, rented a house, went to college, got a job or 3, payed my bills, and made my own decisions. They weren't always the decisions my parents would have liked me to make. I got 3 male roomates (I'm female) who were 5-10 year older than me and bought the beer for the big parties I would throw. Having never been out of the country, I ran off to Paris with a Moroccan man nearly twice my age who I had known for only a few months. My parents didn't like it, but I made it clear that they no longer had authority over me and if they gave me a hard time I just didn't talk to them. And slowly we learned a new way to interact with one another. And I turned out just fine and think I'm a better person and have a stronger adult relationship with my parents because of it. (I'm now 32, by the way.)

I know none of this addresses your concern about your child's drug use, but it doesn't sound like we really have enough information to address it. Could smoking pot lead to a downward spiral straight to hell? Sure. If it does, there's probably not much you can do about it anyway. More likely, however, he'll turn into a healthy, responsible adult just like most of the other people who were stoners when they were 20. I'll be praying for the latter for you.

Good luck!

DinghyDog · May 2009

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know1 · May 2009

Keiran wrote:

Title says it all. Willing to throw away free room /board/food/laundry and the fully paid college tuition bill courtesy of his dad an me. He has too much dignity to be drug tested. Yet not enough character to not have every sound that comes from his mouth be couched in a lie.

And yeah, it's only pot, it's cool. Well, it's not. It doesn't matter if it's no less harmful than alcohol or cigarettes, it's illegal. A stupid law is still a law and breaking it can only lead to trouble - trouble that I'm not willing to have or fund.

I feel like throwing up and my heart hurts. He's not a child, he's 20. And yet in so many ways more foolish than an toddler. Made him give me back the keys to my car and his cell phone. I figure he wants to be a man and not have any input from "the controlling bitch" then he doesn't need access things he didn't pay for.

I feel like I'm in a pit of nightmares and my soul is being torn apart by jackals. I don't know if I should cry or spit from anger.

I'm sorry for your trouble, but I'd say that part of the problem is/was the free ride you were giving him. He had no responsibility. Maybe he will be forced to shoulder some now.

Cinnamon Girl · May 2009

Keiran wrote:

I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to become a battleground over who is right and wrong.

My husband is out of town on business and I just felt very alone. I thought I could come here and maybe . . . I don't know what I thought.

I do know that I did the best I could, I gave every thing I had, obviously I've made mistakes and that has led to this. I don't mean to sound dramatic but it's a very painful revelation. And one I will live with for the rest of my life. I only wanted the best for my son and now I must accept that he didn't.

I know this is a public forum and everyone has the right to post their opinions. But, please, there's no more reason for fighting. I'm sorry.

Chances are he'll be just fine. He'll fuck up here and there, but will probably come back to you once he gets this phase out of his system. I truly believe that most people can't be fully reasonable until the age of 25ish. Dont burn any bridges in your relationship. Let him do what he has to do, because he'll do it regardless of what you say.

I'm so so sorry that you have to go through this. I can imagine your heart is broken, but the majority of people eventually realize what saints their parents are AFTER the fact.

Cinnamon Girl · May 2009

Keiran wrote:

Right now, I don't think I'll ever see or hear from my son again. And if I do, I don't know how I'll ever believe anything he says to me. It terrifies me that if I'm ever lucky enough to hear "I love you mom" again that I won't have the heart to believe him.

Once he is, emotionally, an adult things will be better. I'm sure you'll see him again.

Brain of J.Lo · May 2009

My older brother has spent his adult life making reckless choices and being alternately berated and enabled/bailed out by my parents. Currently, he lives in my mom's basement, unable to afford his own place because so much of his paycheck goes to child support for a couple of kids he never sees. He goes to work, he comes home and he gets drunk or high every night.

From my perspective, as a younger sister who has watched this bullshit play out for my entire 29 years, I want you to first realize that his choices aren't a reflection you. My mom is so hung up on feeling guilty about my brother's problems, and she considers herself a bad mother for it...never mind the fact that my sister and I are model citizens, lol. She only focuses on my brother. But they are his choices, and his alone. Let him own them, and let him own the results. It will be good for him to figure it out on his own, even if he has to go through some shit to get there. (Just to put this in perspective for you, I hardly knew anyone in college that didn't smoke a little pot. I'm sure that's not what you want your son to be doing, but it's pretty standard behavior for kids that age.)

And listen to Soulsinging. I remember him on the board back when he was going through some pretty rocky times. He knows what he's talking about, and he's turned his life around in grand fashion.

Brony · May 2009

someone posted "talk to him as an equal"

i cannot disagree with this more. he is not an equal. he is an immature young adult. he is in no way equal. that doesnt mean to disrespect him or talk to him like a five year old....but a parent has to step up and be a parent in this situation, not a friend, just as the OP has done.. you have my prayers

decides2dream · May 2009

scb wrote:

I'm so sorry you're going through this, Keiran. I'm not a parent, so I can only imagine how hard this must be for you. Try to remember..... this too shall pass.

I believe this could be a great growing experience for both of you and your relationship if you let it. He is an adult now, and must make decisions on his own and learn to be responsible for those decisions. You can't control him, but you also don't have to put up with any of his shit. It sounds like you gave him two options: 1. to stay, be supported by you, and follow your rules, or 2. if he's not willing to follow your rules, to move out and support himself. He chose option #2, as many people his age do. There is nothing wrong with this option, and it needs to happen sooner or later anyway. He will now have a great learning experience about hard work and responsibility and will likely become a better person from it. You will have to learn as well that you can't control him and that attempting to control him will only limit your access to him. Once he can take care of himself and has learned to value the hard work you have put into caring for him and learned that there are consequences for his actions, and once you have given up trying to control or judge him so he can feel comfortable being honest with you, then you will have an adult relationship with your son - and that is fulfilling on a whole new level for both of you.

Good luck!

well said!
you did what was right for you, what you think is right for your son...and you let him maake his own decision. he did. it may not be the decision you;d hope for, and it seems you may 'blame' yourself for what you percieve as his poor choices....but bottomline, his life, his choice. we all can look back at such and lament the 'loss'......his opportunities squandered, the chances you are giving him, etc. however, it is his life and his choice to make. who knows what he'll learn from it all? i absolutely do hope it's simply a phase, and/or experimentation. i've been there myself, and enjoyed it immensely. :P that said, i watched both my sisters leave home at 17 and 18 b/c of my very restrictive parents. by the time i came of age, my parents were split, i think they both were worn out by the older 2

.....and while the rules were still just as strict, they weren't actually paying much attention, haha.....so yea.....i had it far easier.

bottomline, you did the right thing. tough love. hopefully in time he appreciates it for what it is, and hopefully it all will simply be life-learning for him and he'll find his way and his own path to happiness and success. do NOT beat yourself up over it, being a good parent is NOT an easy job and certainly not always pretty nor appreciated. good luck to you both!

blackredyellow · May 2009

Don't blame yourself...

He is 20 and still living under your roof... if he doesn't like the rules, and thinks that life will be "better" elsewhere, then there isn't anything that you can do. It's not like he is 15 years old and is throwing his life away... He might act like it, but he is an adult, and sometimes fending for yourself is the only way that he will "wake up".

My son is still to young to even think about this, but I've seen my older brother put my parents through hell (and to a lesser extent my sister-in-law to my wife's parents). I can't image how tough that it must be to basically kick them out, but at some point they need to see what life is like without the free ride.

Maybe in a couple of months he will be back, realizing how good he had it... maybe it will take a couple of years... he knows that you love him, but it might take many days down the road, to realize exactly what that means.

Good luck...

megatron · May 2009

i was an awful son. always dissapeared on my mom.
sadly took me to be ohh, id say 23 to realize how awful i was.

hope he figures it out

pearljim · May 2009

Brony wrote:

someone posted "talk to him as an equal"

i cannot disagree with this more. he is not an equal. he is an immature young adult. he is in no way equal. that doesnt mean to disrespect him or talk to him like a five year old....but a parent has to step up and be a parent in this situation, not a friend, just as the OP has done.. you have my prayers

Totally agree. First I feel for you Kieran and I pray it'll get better as time goes by.

Long story short I had to kick my 19 year old son out of my house, not drug related though, 4 years ago as he thought he could do what he wanted as he was home from college. Killed me but I had to be a parent first and not a friend as his mother treated him (we're divorced).

Took him awhile to come around but now things are going well and he's in his 4th year of college. Spent the weekend with him last month and I pray I never have to do it again with any of my other children. So even though the situation is different I know the heart wrenching you are going thru.

You did the right thing...................

Keiran · May 2009

Thank you so much again to everyone who has been willing to share their pain and engage in this conversation.

My husband has suspected for a while that our son was on drugs. I guess I did too, but my questions were always answered with lies that I chose to believe. The truth finally came out when his pathetic excuses for not being able to get a job this summer became even too ridiculous for me to swallow. He was forced to admit that it was due to not being able to pass a drug test. We were then certain that a good portion of the "food and extras" monies that we had been giving him was being used to fund his drug (and what ever else he did) habit.

I don't think it was the idea of him using pot that killed me. It was the lies and his lack of respect for the sacrifices our family was going through in order for him to accomplish what he said he wanted. When the whole thing broke loose, (of course he chose to do this when my husband wasn't home) he swore he would quit. I offered him any type of "help" available to accomplish it.

But, for him to stay at home and continue to use a car that is in my name and on my insurance, he would have to prove that he was staying on track by being tested. And that's when everything changed and it gave him the window he was looking for to leave. He's 20 and I understand wanting to be on his own, maybe even needing to be. He knew that my husband and I, even with money as tight as it is, were willing to try to work with him to help him move out. We were hoping to be able to supplement any loans or salary he earned this summer so that he could.

Unfortunately, he has become a huge liability. Last night I found pot in our home and he admitted he had it in our car. I can't afford to stand by him or protect him. His choices have made it too risky. The last time I felt this way was when my mom died. I almost think I'm more lost than he is.

Once again, thank you to everyone for your caring hearts.

inmytree · May 2009

Hi Keiran, You did the right thing. Don't feel guilty. He's an adult now, and he can make his own choices...I know that sounds cold, but he's a big boy now...

norm · May 2009

keiran stop beating yourself up...you've done your best as a parent and it's time for your son to start living his life...and that means he'll make mistakes big and small...but it the only way to learn...it's hard for you now and it may be a few rocky years ahead but he will be better for it

restlesssoul · May 2009

i got kicked out for having a bag of SHAKE under my bed. not even buds. just shake, grass clippings. my mom kicked me out.she cried on the steps while i moved my mattress into the pickup truck. i lived in a house with 2 alcoholics and a guy that was on roids bench pressing 300 in the living room. the house was also used as a middle safe house where two parties of drug dealers would meet to sell coke. guns in the trunk and stuff. i would come home wondering if all my stuff was gonna still be in my room. worst 3 months of my life.

it's just pot, but what are you exposing him to by kicking him out? I was 21.

get him back.

Keiran · May 2009

restlesssoul wrote:

i got kicked out for having a bag of SHAKE under my bed. not even buds. just shake, grass clippings. my mom kicked me out.she cried on the steps while i moved my mattress into the pickup truck. i lived in a house with 2 alcoholics and a guy that was on roids bench pressing 300 in the living room. the house was also used as a middle safe house where two parties of drug dealers would meet to sell coke. guns in the trunk and stuff. i would come home wondering if all my stuff was gonna still be in my room. worst 3 months of my life.

it's just pot, but what are you exposing him to by kicking him out? I was 21.

get him back.

Sorry if I wasn't clear earlier. He wasn't kicked out. He CHOSE to leave. I agree pot isn't "the end of the world" but it still is illegal, even though it's probably no worse than alcohol. When someone is funding your entire life and your entire education, you have an obligation to conduct yourself in a manner that abides by their standards.

And the standard in our home has always been no illegal substances are to be there or are to be used. He CHOSE to walk away from his home. At no point would I have ever "thrown him out." But, since he CHOSE to do drugs he has to be accountable for his actions. And our accountability was that we get him any help he needed or wanted and he had to pass drug tests in the future to show that he was living up to his end of the deal.

Up to this point, his dad and I have more than fulfilled our end of the agreement of putting him through college and yes even funding the 5th year master's program he was interested in.

I wish I could "get him back" with all of my heart. I would love nothing more than to throw my arms around him and hold him and make it all better. My God, he's my son, I'd die for him.

But you can't make people do what is best for them. Even when they know you are right, pride often derails reason. All I can do is wait.

Drowned Out · May 2009

I realize you're trying to set a moral standard, but would this even be an issue if pot was legal? Do you agree with prohibition? Do YOU have much experience with any drugs? Is legality the only basis for pulling all of his privileges? Has their been ANY compromise, or are you just saying 'my way or the highway'? Important questions...
Yes, he's living under your roof, so he's bound by your rules...BUT....he IS an adult and should have SOME say in how he lives his life while under your roof. I will also suggest that, at 20, maybe he should be told to get his own car and start paying rent anyway? Make him understand that it takes personal responsibility to earn freedom kinda thing....but...kinda sounds like that's what you did and he chose to leave. Sorry to hear it's been so hard on you. parental guilt has got to be the worst feeling...but you're only looking out for him - no reason to feel guilty about that!

That said, I have to go with the people saying 'it's only pot'...(shocker, I know

)
I'm sure he feels the same way and can't get his head around why you think it's such a big deal (if that really IS all he's using).

A little related story (think I've told it here before):
When I was 16 or 17, a group of friends and I kept getting caught being drunk/stoned/lying about our whereabouts (ie: telling our parent's we were at each others' houses to stay out all night)....
Our parents decided to call a big conference...the whole group of friends, and ALL of our parents...
We thought we were going to be crucified.
But it turned out to be the most productive, progressive thing that could have happened....
Everyone bounced ideas and gripes off each other, got different perspectives and different ways to handle discipline and what was 'allowable'. In the end, we ALL got our curfews removed and were allowed to drink in our homes, as long as all the parents were informed and drivers were arranged. EVERYONE left happy.
The pot thing wasn't addressed as specifically (they didn't want to condone it, but I think most of the parents there eased up on it after hearing how other parents were dealing with it).
I guess I bring it up to suggest that maybe perspectives from other parents in your exact situation (from his social circle if possible) might help. Listening to us PJ fans turn it into a drug debate?... probably not so much...

Son just left home because of drugs

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