Son just left home because of drugs

Keiran · May 2009

Title says it all. Willing to throw away free room /board/food/laundry and the fully paid college tuition bill courtesy of his dad an me. He has too much dignity to be drug tested. Yet not enough character to not have every sound that comes from his mouth be couched in a lie.

And yeah, it's only pot, it's cool. Well, it's not. It doesn't matter if it's no less harmful than alcohol or cigarettes, it's illegal. A stupid law is still a law and breaking it can only lead to trouble - trouble that I'm not willing to have or fund.

I feel like throwing up and my heart hurts. He's not a child, he's 20. And yet in so many ways more foolish than an toddler. Made him give me back the keys to my car and his cell phone. I figure he wants to be a man and not have any input from "the controlling bitch" then he doesn't need access things he didn't pay for.

I feel like I'm in a pit of nightmares and my soul is being torn apart by jackals. I don't know if I should cry or spit from anger.

soulsinging · May 2009

You two sound like me and my mom a few years ago. I'd have left too. Nothing personal. That's the time of life to be having fun and doing stupid shit. He'll grow out of it. In the meantime, he'll no doubt have tons of fun with his year or so of sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll and you'll learn that you can't make his choices for him anymore.

Kilgore_Trout · May 2009

funny coincidence... going through the same thing right now with my 19 year old sister... found out shes been taking and selling drugs... and stealing from me... just left today... dunno if she'll be back...

cant say ill miss her... which makes me feel guilty... but i shouldnt... this is nothing new... its hell for my parents... its been rough on me

i feel for ya... best of luck! all you can really do in these situations is hope they can come out of it once they hit rock bottom... its sucks

Kilgore_Trout · May 2009

soulsinging wrote:

You two sound like me and my mom a few years ago. I'd have left too. Nothing personal. That's the time of life to be having fun and doing stupid shit. He'll grow out of it. In the meantime, he'll no doubt have tons of fun with his year or so of sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll and you'll learn that you can't make his choices for him anymore.

pretty ignorant opinion...

its not part of growing up... its straight up ingrateful... theres no reason to put your parents through the kind of hell the OP is going through

whether its pot, pills, or meth you live under their roof and have your tuition paid for you should be grateful enough to abide by their rules... or atleast smart enough not to get caught...

im 21 years old and thats common sense to me and the people i associate with

orig_long red · May 2009

pot can lead down an irreversible road ... you're a good parent for wanting to police your child. i wish my parents set up rules like that ... had they been as involved as you seem to be, I might not be 29-year-old senior in college.

Commy · May 2009

be honest with him.

be cool. don't lay down your authority. talk to him as an equal.

tell him that pot will lead to massive bouts of paranoia if he ever decides to quit. which could lead to more serious things like schizophrenia and mental illness.

if you take drugs at that age, you need to take legal drugs to treat the damage you do to your brain 10 years down the road. its where i am. pot, coke, i love all that shit, but it fucks up your brain, and maybe if he had the right education about it he might think twice. probably not, but its worth a shot.

i drove 1000 miles from home when i was 20, just to get away form my controlling parents. had they treated me with a little more respect i might have listened to them. instead they acted as you did, laying down the law-"no phone, no car"....etc. its bullshit. treat him like an adult capable of making his own decisions.

not trying to tell you how to be a parent, i'm just telling you how i wish my parents had treated me when i was that age. could have avoided all kinds of terrible things down the road. they were so set on establishing hteir authority they forgot to treat me like an individual. and fuck that. authority was the last thing i needed. I got a car, got some gas, and got out of there. fast.

soulsinging · May 2009

sgossard3 wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

You two sound like me and my mom a few years ago. I'd have left too. Nothing personal. That's the time of life to be having fun and doing stupid shit. He'll grow out of it. In the meantime, he'll no doubt have tons of fun with his year or so of sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll and you'll learn that you can't make his choices for him anymore.

pretty ignorant opinion...

its not part of growing up... its straight up ingrateful... theres no reason to put your parents through the kind of hell the OP is going through

whether its pot, pills, or meth you live under their roof and have your tuition paid for you should be grateful enough to abide by their rules... or atleast smart enough not to get caught...

im 21 years old and thats common sense to me and the people i associate with

Ignorant? Have you ever been to rehab? Battled drug addiction? REAL drug addiction? Battled your parents, family, and loved ones through it? Heard and given all the excuses? I've LIVED it my man. My opinion is anything but ignorant on this subject. Easy to say not to get caught, but the first thing to go is memory... "shit, where'd I put that pipe... oh no!"

"He should be grateful"... says you. Maybe he just looked at it different and decided the free stuff wasn't worth the toll it took on his freedom and social life. Maybe it's a bad decision, maybe it's not. But she can't make it for him and he's old enough to make the call himself. The training wheels have to come off some day. Smoking a bit of pot is not HELL. If the guy was headed off to shoot heroin on the street, that'd be one thing. But he's a college kid smoking a bit of weed. If him moving out into his own place or with friends to party a bit in college is the worst problem she has to confront as a parent, she is a very lucky parent indeed. Sure, it's a bummer, but it's a long way from the end of the world or his life or any absurd histrionics.

soulsinging · May 2009

Kotov Syndrome wrote:

tell him that pot will lead to massive bouts of paranoia if he ever decides to quit. which could lead to more serious things like schizophrenia and mental illness.

if you take drugs at that age, you need to take legal drugs to treat the damage you do to your brain 10 years down the road. its where i am. pot, coke, i love all that shit, but it fucks up your brain, and maybe if he had the right education about it he might think twice. probably not, but its worth a shot.

You can't be serious. This is like the worst sort of made-up, bullshit DARE propaganda bullshit imaginable and if she says that to him it's only going to reinforce his belief that she has no fucking clue what she's talking about.

soulsinging · May 2009

long red wrote:

pot can lead down an irreversible road ... you're a good parent for wanting to police your child. i wish my parents set up rules like that ... had they been as involved as you seem to be, I might not be 29-year-old senior in college.

Agreed, but there also has to be proportionality. And you also have to be prepared that if you lay down and ultimatum, you might not get the answer you're trying to force. Staying involved is a good thing.

Kilgore_Trout · May 2009

soulsinging wrote:

sgossard3 wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

You two sound like me and my mom a few years ago. I'd have left too. Nothing personal. That's the time of life to be having fun and doing stupid shit. He'll grow out of it. In the meantime, he'll no doubt have tons of fun with his year or so of sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll and you'll learn that you can't make his choices for him anymore.

pretty ignorant opinion...

its not part of growing up... its straight up ingrateful... theres no reason to put your parents through the kind of hell the OP is going through

whether its pot, pills, or meth you live under their roof and have your tuition paid for you should be grateful enough to abide by their rules... or atleast smart enough not to get caught...

im 21 years old and thats common sense to me and the people i associate with

Ignorant? Have you ever been to rehab? Battled drug addiction? REAL drug addiction? Battled your parents, family, and loved ones through it? Heard and given all the excuses? I've LIVED it my man. My opinion is anything but ignorant on this subject. Easy to say not to get caught, but the first thing to go is memory... "shit, where'd I put that pipe... oh no!"

"He should be grateful"... says you. Maybe he just looked at it different and decided the free stuff wasn't worth the toll it took on his freedom and social life. Maybe it's a bad decision, maybe it's not. But she can't make it for him and he's old enough to make the call himself. The training wheels have to come off some day. Smoking a bit of pot is not HELL. If the guy was headed off to shoot heroin on the street, that'd be one thing. But he's a college kid smoking a bit of weed. If him moving out into his own place or with friends to party a bit in college is the worst problem she has to confront as a parent, she is a very lucky parent indeed. Sure, it's a bummer, but it's a long way from the end of the world or his life or any absurd histrionics.

yah i figured you lived it... thats why i was surprised you would justify it... you didnt learn anything from living it yourself?? not that your situation directly compares to a little pot... but thats not to say that this kids pot use couldnt lead to other shit...

ive lived on the other side of it "my man" so i can relate to the OP more than i can to you

i dont think its a matter of opinion... "toll on his freedom and social life"?? thats fuckin childish... theres people all around the world that would kill for the opportunity this kid has... theres plenty of time for freedom after school... hell, college alone is freedom enough! doesnt sound like the OP was really all that smothering... just looking out for the kids best interest... running away is taking the easiest possible route

soulsinging · May 2009

sgossard3 wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

Ignorant? Have you ever been to rehab? Battled drug addiction? REAL drug addiction? Battled your parents, family, and loved ones through it? Heard and given all the excuses? I've LIVED it my man. My opinion is anything but ignorant on this subject. Easy to say not to get caught, but the first thing to go is memory... "shit, where'd I put that pipe... oh no!"

"He should be grateful"... says you. Maybe he just looked at it different and decided the free stuff wasn't worth the toll it took on his freedom and social life. Maybe it's a bad decision, maybe it's not. But she can't make it for him and he's old enough to make the call himself. The training wheels have to come off some day. Smoking a bit of pot is not HELL. If the guy was headed off to shoot heroin on the street, that'd be one thing. But he's a college kid smoking a bit of weed. If him moving out into his own place or with friends to party a bit in college is the worst problem she has to confront as a parent, she is a very lucky parent indeed. Sure, it's a bummer, but it's a long way from the end of the world or his life or any absurd histrionics.

yah i figured you lived it... thats why i was surprised you would justify it... you didnt learn anything from living it yourself?? not that your situation directly compares to a little pot... but thats not to say that this kids pot use couldnt lead to other shit...

ive lived on the other side of it "my man" so i can relate to the OP more than i can to you

i dont think its a matter of opinion... "toll on in freedom and social life"?? thats fuckin childish... theres people all around the world that would kill for the opportunity this kid has... theres plenty of time for freedom after school... hell, college alone is freedom enough! doesnt sound like the OP was really all that smothering... just looking out for the kids best interest... running away is taking the easiest possible route

EXACTLY. I did learn plenty from LIVING IT. NOT from my parents telling me what they thought I should be doing. You can't force people to share your values or just drill wisdom into their brain. Wisdom comes from experience. That comes from occasionally making bad decisions and suffering the consequences. Like I said, he moved out because his mom didn't want him getting stoned in the house. Hardly a mind-blowing catastrophe for an American college kid. How many college apartments and dorms around this country are centered around bongs right now? Maybe it's a dumb decision, but it's his dumb call and he needs to make it and see how it plays out. Maybe he'll be fine and her worry will count for nothing. Or maybe he'll end up broke as shit in a few months and realize he made a stupid mistake and the occasional bake session wasn't worth it. Either way, he needs to live his life. And if it leads him down the path to being a junkie or something, then locking him in his bedroom at home as 20 year old is not going to keep him in line... only destroy any hope of him EVER being willing to listen to his parents down the line.

At 21, you have children that ran out on you to do drugs?

Keiran · May 2009

I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to become a battleground over who is right and wrong.

My husband is out of town on business and I just felt very alone. I thought I could come here and maybe . . . I don't know what I thought.

I do know that I did the best I could, I gave every thing I had, obviously I've made mistakes and that has led to this. I don't mean to sound dramatic but it's a very painful revelation. And one I will live with for the rest of my life. I only wanted the best for my son and now I must accept that he didn't.

I know this is a public forum and everyone has the right to post their opinions. But, please, there's no more reason for fighting. I'm sorry.

Commy · May 2009

soulsinging wrote:

Kotov Syndrome wrote:

tell him that pot will lead to massive bouts of paranoia if he ever decides to quit. which could lead to more serious things like schizophrenia and mental illness.

if you take drugs at that age, you need to take legal drugs to treat the damage you do to your brain 10 years down the road. its where i am. pot, coke, i love all that shit, but it fucks up your brain, and maybe if he had the right education about it he might think twice. probably not, but its worth a shot.

You can't be serious. This is like the worst sort of made-up, bullshit DARE propaganda bullshit imaginable and if she says that to him it's only going to reinforce his belief that she has no fucking clue what she's talking about.

its not made up douche. I lived it.

soulsinging · May 2009

Keiran wrote:

I'm sorry, I didn't mean for this to become a battleground over who is right and wrong.

My husband is out of town on business and I just felt very alone. I thought I could come here and maybe . . . I don't know what I thought.

I do know that I did the best I could, I gave every thing I had, obviously I've made mistakes and that has led to this. I don't mean to sound dramatic but it's a very painful revelation. And one I will live with for the rest of my life. I only wanted the best for my son and now I must accept that he didn't.

I know this is a public forum and everyone has the right to post their opinions. But, please, there's no more reason for fighting. I'm sorry.

Whoa whoa whoa, your college age son experimenting with pot does not make you some sort of failure as a parent. No need to beat yourself up so much. I think most people experiment with it at some point in high school or college. I know you wanted the best for him, but he doesn't see it that way. That's no fault of yours... he's his own person. And he may yet come around to your point of view given time and space.

soulsinging · May 2009

Kotov Syndrome wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

Kotov Syndrome wrote:

tell him that pot will lead to massive bouts of paranoia if he ever decides to quit. which could lead to more serious things like schizophrenia and mental illness.

if you take drugs at that age, you need to take legal drugs to treat the damage you do to your brain 10 years down the road. its where i am. pot, coke, i love all that shit, but it fucks up your brain, and maybe if he had the right education about it he might think twice. probably not, but its worth a shot.

You can't be serious. This is like the worst sort of made-up, bullshit DARE propaganda bullshit imaginable and if she says that to him it's only going to reinforce his belief that she has no fucking clue what she's talking about.

its not made up douche. I lived it.

You're schizophrenic and it's because you smoked pot?

*edit*
Interesting, you may be right on this. I'd heard such rumors, but believed they were urban legends. I still question some of the conclusions they draw, but the results are pretty dramatic:
http://www.reuters.com/article/healthNe ... 2820070726

Commy · May 2009

soulsinging wrote:

You're schizophrenic and it's because you smoked pot?

no. I take legal meds to deal with the fact that i'm not taking illegal drugs.

and its lifelong. I'm stuck taking these goddamn pills probably for the rest of my life, and its because i had a little too much fun in my 20's.

soulsinging · May 2009

Kotov Syndrome wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

You're schizophrenic and it's because you smoked pot?

no. I take legal meds to deal with the fact that i'm not taking illegal drugs.

and its lifelong. I'm stuck taking these goddamn pills probably for the rest of my life, and its because i had a little too much fun in my 20's.

I believe you, but you mentioned cocaine and other drugs. Seems a bit arbitrary to ascribe all your troubles to one drug among many.

Kilgore_Trout · May 2009

to the OP... sorry if I've come across as agressive with any of my posts... just a little too fresh in my mind right now after a day of bullshit at my house...

soulsinging wrote:

EXACTLY. I did learn plenty from LIVING IT. NOT from my parents telling me what they thought I should be doing. You can't force people to share your values or just drill wisdom into their brain. Wisdom comes from experience. That comes from occasionally making bad decisions and suffering the consequences. Like I said, he moved out because his mom didn't want him getting stoned in the house. Hardly a mind-blowing catastrophe for an American college kid. How many college apartments and dorms around this country are centered around bongs right now? Maybe it's a dumb decision, but it's his dumb call and he needs to make it and see how it plays out. Maybe he'll be fine and her worry will count for nothing. Or maybe he'll end up broke as shit in a few months and realize he made a stupid mistake and the occasional bake session wasn't worth it. Either way, he needs to live his life. And if it leads him down the path to being a junkie or something, then locking him in his bedroom at home as 20 year old is not going to keep him in line... only destroy any hope of him EVER being willing to listen to his parents down the line.

At 21, you have children that ran out on you to do drugs?

like i said in my first post, my kid sister just ran out... ive been doing a good bit of parenting the past 4 or 5 years when my parents arent around... just the usual concerned older brother shit... definitely lived and witnessed the other side enough to have an opinion on it...

i definitely see where youre coming from on learning from your own mistakes... but in retrospect you dont wish you had listened to your parents in the first place instead of having to go through hell and back to learn? especially for something as trivial as pot? (we can agree that smoking pots nothing major in the right context) its not physically addictive... no reason you cant go without having it in your parents house (which i assume is how he got caught)... not saying he cant sit around and smoke with his buddies... obviously college kids are gonna do that... but its seems like hes the one with his priorities out of wack if hes gonna give up his future for such a mainstream, stupid fuckin drug... this kindof behavior is more in keeping with someone doing some heavier shit... "boo hoo i cant smoke my pot in my parents house" sorry frat boy... get over it... thats pretty much why im siding exclusively with the parents in this case... though i guess i would side with the parents in the majority of these situations

glad you got through your shit and it made you a stronger person

we'll just have to agree to disagree here obviously... sorry if i got heated with my previous posts

Commy · May 2009

soulsinging wrote:

Kotov Syndrome wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

You're schizophrenic and it's because you smoked pot?

no. I take legal meds to deal with the fact that i'm not taking illegal drugs.

and its lifelong. I'm stuck taking these goddamn pills probably for the rest of my life, and its because i had a little too much fun in my 20's.

I believe you, but you mentioned cocaine and other drugs. Seems a bit arbitrary to ascribe all your troubles to one drug among many.

true. could have been a combo, or somethign else. but i was smoking since highschool, for 12 years straight. I was taking a drug that completely eliminated paranoia and anxiety. so without that drug, i was flooded with those things. so now i have these bullshit pills to deal with those symptoms, when in reality, the best treatment is probably just more bonghits.

soulsinging · May 2009

sgossard3 wrote:

like i said in my first post, my kid sister just ran out... ive been doing a good bit of parenting the past 4 or 5 years when my parents arent around... just the usual concerned older brother shit... definitely lived and witnessed the other side enough to have an opinion on it...

i definitely see where youre coming from on learning from your own mistakes... but in retrospect you dont wish you had listened to your parents in the first place instead of having to go through hell and back to learn? especially for something as trivial as pot? (we can agree that smoking pots nothing major in the right context) its not physically addictive... no reason you cant go without having it in your parents house (which i assume is how he got caught)... not saying he cant sit around and smoke with his buddies... obviously college kids are gonna do that... but its seems like hes the one with his priorities out of wack if hes gonna give up his future from such a mainstream, stupid fuckin drug... this kindof behavior is more in keeping with someone doing some heavier shit... "boo hoo i cant smoke my pot in my parents house" sorry frat boy... get over it... thats pretty much why im siding exclusively with the parents in this case... though i guess i would side with the parents in the majority of these situations

glad you got through your shit and it made you a stronger person

we'll just have to agree to disagree here obviously... sorry if i got heated with my previous posts

No, I don't wish I'd listened to my parents. It ended up biting me, but I also had a lot of fun out there for a while. Great experiences and wonderful friends are mixed in with some of the horrors and jailtime and so forth. And the experiences I had, good and bad, gave me a better understanding of a number of walks of life I'd otherwise never have seen. If he's living at home at 20, maybe he just feels the need to flex his independence muscles finally. Who knows? Bottom line is, it's his decision and even making bad decisions can be valuable and worthwhile in the long run.

soulsinging · May 2009

Kotov Syndrome wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

I believe you, but you mentioned cocaine and other drugs. Seems a bit arbitrary to ascribe all your troubles to one drug among many.

true. could have been a combo, or somethign else. but i was smoking since highschool, for 12 years straight. I was taking a drug that completely eliminated paranoia and anxiety. so without that drug, i was flooded with those things. so now i have these bullshit pills to deal with those symptoms, when in reality, the best treatment is probably just more bonghits.

I used that argument on my rehab counselor once... if I'm so messed up I'm going to need anti-anxiety meds or whatever for the rest of my life, what does it matter which drug (pot or prescription pharmaceuticals) I use to manage my symptoms? She was not convinced

Son just left home because of drugs

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