Jokes, and ONLY jokes here ...

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  • Posts: 1,531
    MattCameronKicksButt wrote:
    You're good at jokes Super Vedder!

    WOO HOO ive found a talent :D

    cut and pasting rules :)
    Black, the greatest without a doubt........
  • Posts: 407
    What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

    "Same time next month?"
    http://alltimetopfive-boofcombs.blogspot.com/
  • Posts: 2,115


    Words that are hard to pronounce when you're drunk:

    1. proliferation
    2. Particularly
    3. Innovative
    4. Reduce
    5. Administration

    Words that are VERY hard to pronounce when you're drunk:

    1. Specificity
    2. macroeconomics
    3. Constitutional
    4. Passive-agressive

    Words that are just IMPOSSIBLE to pronounce when you're drunk:

    1. No thanks, I'm not in the mood for sex right now
    2. Nope, no more beer for me
    3. Sorry, but you're not really my type
    4. Goodevening officer, nice day today, isn't it?
    5. Oh no, I really couldn't, noone wants to hear me sing
    Surf little waves big... Charge big waves hard

    - Antwerp '06, Nijmegen '07, Werchter '07
  • Posts: 13,066
    Knock knock...

    who's there ?

    fuck off...
    Progress is not made by everyone joining some new fad,
    and reveling in it's loyalty. It's made by forming coalitions
    over specific principles, goals, and policies.

    http://i36.tinypic.com/66j31x.jpg

    (\__/)
    ( o.O)
    (")_(")
  • Posts: 4,317
    RolandTD20Kdrummer wrote:
    Knock knock...

    who's there ?

    fuck off...

    ...fuck off, who? :o
  • Posts: 2,445
    What do you call it when you give head to a cripple?




    Meals on wheels!
  • Posts: 736
    Why did the redneck cross the road?

    Because his dick was stuck in the chicken's ass.
    Revive the heart of the heartless...

    Why would you start was has no end?
  • Posts: 3,812
    Great film...great joke..'remember the Alamo!'

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qu_2likGlok
    I came, I saw, I concurred.....
  • Posts: 7,335
    Q)what's Green And Smells Like Bacon?

    A) Kermits Finger's
    Sydney 11/02/2003
    Sydney 14/02/2003
    Sydney 07/11/2006
    Sydney 18/11/2006
    Sydney 22/11/2009
    EV Sydney 18/03/2011
    EV Sydney 19/03/2011
    EV Sydney 20/03/2011
    Melbourne 24/01/2014
    Sydney 26/01/2014
    EV Sydney 13/02/2014
  • Posts: 7,335
    q)How did the blonde try to kill a bird?

    A)Throw it off the cliff

    Q)How did the blonde try to kill a fish

    A)Drown it

    QHow did the blonde try to kill a worm?

    A)Bury it alive


    Q)Why did the blonde climb the galss wall?

    A) to see what was on the other side
    Sydney 11/02/2003
    Sydney 14/02/2003
    Sydney 07/11/2006
    Sydney 18/11/2006
    Sydney 22/11/2009
    EV Sydney 18/03/2011
    EV Sydney 19/03/2011
    EV Sydney 20/03/2011
    Melbourne 24/01/2014
    Sydney 26/01/2014
    EV Sydney 13/02/2014
  • Posts: 7,011
    What did Bill say to Hilary after sex?

    "I'll be home in 10 minuets" :p:D
    I will be what i could be
    Once I get out of this town


    9/29/04;6/27/08;6/30/08;8/23/09;08/24/09;5/17/10
  • Posts: 4,423
    MattCameronKicksButt wrote:
    ...fuck off, who? :o

    Best joke on this thread yet!:)
    Smokey Robinson constantly looks like he's trying to act natural after being accused of farting.
  • Posts: 2,115
    A father is in the grocer's with his son
    As they walk past the condoms, the little one asks
    "What's that daddy?"
    The father answers: "Those are condoms, men use them for safe sex".
    "Oh, I heard about that in school" his son says and he watches the 3-pack.

    "Why are there three in a box?" he asks.
    Fathersays: "Those are for gighschool boys, 1 for friday, 1 for saturday and 1 for sunday".

    "Cool" the kid says "but this box has six, who are those for?"
    Father says: "those are for students, 2 for friday, 2 for saturday and 2 for sunday".

    "WOW!" the kid yells "but the other one contains 12. Who uses those?"
    The father sighs and says: "Those are for married men, 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March, ... "
    Surf little waves big... Charge big waves hard

    - Antwerp '06, Nijmegen '07, Werchter '07
  • Posts: 4,965
    How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

    10 little piggies
    2 calves
    and unknown number of hares
    1 ass (very nice btw!!)
    and 1 erm.....cat
    :p
    I love to turn you on
  • Posts: 6,691
    Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
    Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.


    As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

    Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is
    a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next
    to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of
    him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is
    in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes
    the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in
    the bathroom mirror.

    Just then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
    red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
    lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries
    to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
    Jillian. 'He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
    breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspa per. His son is also
    at the table, eating. Jack asks,'Son... what happened last night?'

    'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
    over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and
    got that black eye when you ran into the door.'

    Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order
    and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??
    'His son replies, 'Oh THAT!.

    Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
    she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm
    married!!'

    Broken Coffee Table $239.99
    Hot Breakfast $4.20
    Two Aspirins $.38
    Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS
  • Posts: 4,045
    A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful
    diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look
    more closely she inadvertently farts.

    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
    noticed her little accident and prays that a salesperson doesn't pop up
    right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the
    form of a salesman standing right behind her.

    Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman
    greets the lady with, 'Good day, madam. How may we help you today?'

    Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there
    at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is th e price
    of this lovely bracelet?'

    He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
    shit when I tell you the price!!'
    Never, ever, flipping forget
    "Free Shipping" SPEEDY MCCREADY

    My friend was going to see Eddie last night. Since he was in Vegas, I gave him 5 Grand to gamble with. I told him I wanted it all to go on Black. Bastard! PhillyCrownOfThorns-11-2-12
  • Posts: 594
    A couple was having oral sex, and the girl replied: baby take off your ring because it's roughing my NINA, and then he said this it's no my ring, It's my watch!
  • Posts: 103
    Say what you want about his music, but you can't beat Phil Collins...






























































    his bodyguards stop you every time.
  • Posts: 2,019
    dont think this has been posted yet.

    Mental Hospital Phone Menu


    Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options:

    If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
    If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
    If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
    If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
    If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
    If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
    If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
    If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
    If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
    If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
    If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
    If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
    If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up
    http://db.etree.org/PearlJamaholic
  • Posts: 31,531
    A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

    While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

    The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

    As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she Had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

    After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

    He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

    Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

    Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

    Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

    How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

    Clearing his throat, he stammered ....

    "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....

    Well, that was me!"
    jesus greets me looks just like me ....

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