A father is in the grocer's with his son
As they walk past the condoms, the little one asks
"What's that daddy?"
The father answers: "Those are condoms, men use them for safe sex".
"Oh, I heard about that in school" his son says and he watches the 3-pack.
"Why are there three in a box?" he asks.
Fathersays: "Those are for gighschool boys, 1 for friday, 1 for saturday and 1 for sunday".
"Cool" the kid says "but this box has six, who are those for?"
Father says: "those are for students, 2 for friday, 2 for saturday and 2 for sunday".
"WOW!" the kid yells "but the other one contains 12. Who uses those?"
The father sighs and says: "Those are for married men, 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March, ... "
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's
Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next
to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of
him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is
in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes
the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in
the bathroom mirror.
Just then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries
to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian. 'He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspa per. His son is also
at the table, eating. Jack asks,'Son... what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and
got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??
'His son replies, 'Oh THAT!.
Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm
married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS
A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful
diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look
more closely she inadvertently farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a salesperson doesn't pop up
right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the
form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman
greets the lady with, 'Good day, madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there
at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is th e price
of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shit when I tell you the price!!'
My friend was going to see Eddie last night. Since he was in Vegas, I gave him 5 Grand to gamble with. I told him I wanted it all to go on Black. Bastard! PhillyCrownOfThorns-11-2-12
A couple was having oral sex, and the girl replied: baby take off your ring because it's roughing my NINA, and then he said this it's no my ring, It's my watch!
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she Had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered ....
"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word to each other. Their previous discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "In-laws."
No time to be void or save up on life. You got to spend it all.
Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.*
*
He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure*
do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12*
inch Bic lighter.*
*
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"*
*
"I got it from my genie."*
*
"You have a genie?"*
*
"Yes, right here in my golf bag."*
*
"Could I see him?"*
*
He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie.*
*
The friend asks the genie, "Since, I'm a good friend of your master,*
will you grant me one wish?"*
*
"Yes I will" the genie replies.*
*
The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.*
*
The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there,*
waiting for his million bucks.*
*
Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks*
flying overhead is heard.*
*
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not*
a million ducks!"*
*
He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do*
you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"*
*
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs.Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
For the ones who had a notion, a notion deep inside
That it ain't no sin to be glad you're alive
ORGAN DONATION SAVES LIVES http://www.UNOS.org
Donate Organs and Save a Life
i demand a recount, many possessions of knicks basketball and many things that come out of isiah thomas are funnier..
Reading 2004
Albany 2006 Camden 2006 E. Rutherford 2, 2006 Inglewood 2006,
Chicago 2007
Camden 2008 MSG 2008 MSG 2008 Hartford 2008.
Seattle 2009 Seattle 2009 Philadelphia 2009,Philadelphia 2009 Philadelphia 2009
Hartford 2010 MSG 2010 MSG 2010
Toronto 2011,Toronto 2011
Wrigley Field 2013 Brooklyn 2013 Brooklyn 2013 Philadelphia 2, 2013
Philadelphia 1, 2016 Philadelphia 2 2016 New York 2016 New York 2016 Fenway 1, 2016 Fenway 2, 2018 MSG 2022 St. Paul, 1, St. Paul 2 2023 MSG 2024, MSG 2024 Philadelphia 2024
"I play good, hard-nosed basketball.
Things happen in the game. Nothing you
can do. I don't go and say,
"I'm gonna beat this guy up."
Comments
"I'll be home in 10 minuets"
Once I get out of this town
9/29/04;6/27/08;6/30/08;8/23/09;08/24/09;5/17/10
Best joke on this thread yet!:)
As they walk past the condoms, the little one asks
"What's that daddy?"
The father answers: "Those are condoms, men use them for safe sex".
"Oh, I heard about that in school" his son says and he watches the 3-pack.
"Why are there three in a box?" he asks.
Fathersays: "Those are for gighschool boys, 1 for friday, 1 for saturday and 1 for sunday".
"Cool" the kid says "but this box has six, who are those for?"
Father says: "those are for students, 2 for friday, 2 for saturday and 2 for sunday".
"WOW!" the kid yells "but the other one contains 12. Who uses those?"
The father sighs and says: "Those are for married men, 1 for January, 1 for February, 1 for March, ... "
- Antwerp '06, Nijmegen '07, Werchter '07
10 little piggies
2 calves
and unknown number of hares
1 ass (very nice btw!!)
and 1 erm.....cat
Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw is
a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next
to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of
him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is
in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes
the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in
the bathroom mirror.
Just then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in
red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in
lipstick: 'Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries
to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love,
Jillian. 'He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot
breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspa per. His son is also
at the table, eating. Jack asks,'Son... what happened last night?'
'Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell
over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and
got that black eye when you ran into the door.'
Confused, he asked his son, 'So, why is everything in such perfect order
and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??
'His son replies, 'Oh THAT!.
Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when
she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm
married!!'
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time......PRICELESS
diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look
more closely she inadvertently farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a salesperson doesn't pop up
right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the
form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman
greets the lady with, 'Good day, madam. How may we help you today?'
Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may not have been there
at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, 'Sir, what is th e price
of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, 'Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to
shit when I tell you the price!!'
"Free Shipping" SPEEDY MCCREADY
My friend was going to see Eddie last night. Since he was in Vegas, I gave him 5 Grand to gamble with. I told him I wanted it all to go on Black. Bastard! PhillyCrownOfThorns-11-2-12
his bodyguards stop you every time.
Mental Hospital Phone Menu
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital. Please select from the following options:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won't be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don't press any buttons, you'll just mess it up
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she Had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.
How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered ....
"Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....
Well, that was me!"
Lance is still in prison...
Manchester 4/6/00
*
He didn't have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure*
do," he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12*
inch Bic lighter.*
*
"Wow!" said his friend, "Where did you get that monster lighter?"*
*
"I got it from my genie."*
*
"You have a genie?"*
*
"Yes, right here in my golf bag."*
*
"Could I see him?"*
*
He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie.*
*
The friend asks the genie, "Since, I'm a good friend of your master,*
will you grant me one wish?"*
*
"Yes I will" the genie replies.*
*
The friend asks the genie for a million bucks.*
*
The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there,*
waiting for his million bucks.*
*
Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks*
flying overhead is heard.*
*
The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not*
a million ducks!"*
*
He answers,"I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do*
you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?"*
*
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.
I soon noticed that the new program, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.
Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
"A Troubled User"
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that people complain about. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.
Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 5.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed not to allow this.
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the environment.I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5 and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how you use these programs.Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNagNag 9.5 . Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0
STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
- Antwerp '06, Nijmegen '07, Werchter '07
(drum roll)
President: "Oh My God! That's horrible. How many is a brazilian?"
hahahahahahaha
funniest thing in this thread,,,
thread won .
That it ain't no sin to be glad you're alive
ORGAN DONATION SAVES LIVES
http://www.UNOS.org
Donate Organs and Save a Life
HEHE nice bathy
i demand a recount, many possessions of knicks basketball and many things that come out of isiah thomas are funnier..
Albany 2006 Camden 2006 E. Rutherford 2, 2006 Inglewood 2006,
Chicago 2007
Camden 2008 MSG 2008 MSG 2008 Hartford 2008.
Seattle 2009 Seattle 2009 Philadelphia 2009,Philadelphia 2009 Philadelphia 2009
Hartford 2010 MSG 2010 MSG 2010
Toronto 2011,Toronto 2011
Wrigley Field 2013 Brooklyn 2013 Brooklyn 2013 Philadelphia 2, 2013
Philadelphia 1, 2016 Philadelphia 2 2016 New York 2016 New York 2016 Fenway 1, 2016
Fenway 2, 2018
MSG 2022
St. Paul, 1, St. Paul 2 2023
MSG 2024, MSG 2024
Philadelphia 2024
"I play good, hard-nosed basketball.
Things happen in the game. Nothing you
can do. I don't go and say,
"I'm gonna beat this guy up."
They are really making headlines.
(ba dump ching)
so here are the jokes. very bad taste.
whats the hardest part about being a pedophile?
trying to fit in.
guy comes home to his girlfriend packing her things.
He asks ,"what are you doing?"
"im leaving and going to stay at my mothers.."
"why"he asks?
"because you are into pedophilia.."
he replies "my my my, thats a mighty big word for an 8 year old"
but nice people sw****w
wow...