Jokes, and ONLY jokes here ...

JamalJamal Posts: 2,115
edited January 2008 in All Encompassing Trip
What the title said ! :)


A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy" she said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy" the little girl replied, "They have a box next

to the front door that says 'for the sick'."
Surf little waves big... Charge big waves hard

- Antwerp '06, Nijmegen '07, Werchter '07
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments

  • The ChampThe Champ Posts: 4,063
    I agree, going to the dentist sucks the big one..
    'I want to hurry home to you
    put on a slow, dumb show for you
    and crack you up
    so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
    god I'm very, very frightening
    and I'll overdo it'
  • JamalJamal Posts: 2,115
    The Champ wrote:
    I agree, going to the dentist sucks the big one..
    I think your aim might be off, you clicked the wrong thread, dude... :D
    Surf little waves big... Charge big waves hard

    - Antwerp '06, Nijmegen '07, Werchter '07
  • dunkmandunkman Posts: 19,646
    The Champ wrote:
    I agree, going to the dentist sucks the big one..

    i love that one :D
    oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
  • The ChampThe Champ Posts: 4,063
    dunkman wrote:
    i love that one :D

    I thought it was a good joke as well. I don't know what Jamal is talking about, but I guess you can't please everyone..
    'I want to hurry home to you
    put on a slow, dumb show for you
    and crack you up
    so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
    god I'm very, very frightening
    and I'll overdo it'
  • JamalJamal Posts: 2,115
    The Champ wrote:
    I thought it was a good joke as well. I don't know what Jamal is talking about, but I guess you can't please everyone..
    I wasn't sure if it was meant to be funny, as the dentist thread was just underneath this one...
    I thought it was kind of funny though :D
    Surf little waves big... Charge big waves hard

    - Antwerp '06, Nijmegen '07, Werchter '07
  • The ChampThe Champ Posts: 4,063
    Jamal wrote:
    I wasn't sure if it was meant to be funny, as the dentist thread was just underneath this one...
    I thought it was kind of funny though :D

    Hey, no chat..Jokes only ;)..
    'I want to hurry home to you
    put on a slow, dumb show for you
    and crack you up
    so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
    god I'm very, very frightening
    and I'll overdo it'
  • http://youtube.com/watch?v=jyald5tqM8E

    It's funnier if you hear it told, and not read it.
  • JamalJamal Posts: 2,115
    The Champ wrote:
    Hey, no chat..Jokes only ;)..
    20ways to confuse santa :D:D:D


    1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he

    could stand to lose a few pounds.

    2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

    3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind

    watering your plants.

    4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see

    what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

    5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little

    red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

    6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate

    Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

    7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him

    to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

    8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave

    until the strippers arrive.

    9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees

    you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

    10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, "For The

    Tooth Fairy. " Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in

    a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa. "

    11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up

    dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."

    12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

    13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

    14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's sure to see them. Go outside,

    yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's got a red nose!" and fire a gun.

    15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-

    read directions to your new house.

    16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then

    explain that you're sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.

    17. Leave out a Santa suit, with an attached dry-cleaning bill.

    18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the

    roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal

    injury.

    19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

    20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood

    ain't big enough for the both of us.
    Surf little waves big... Charge big waves hard

    - Antwerp '06, Nijmegen '07, Werchter '07
  • A little girl walks into the bedroom to find her mummy and daddy 'doing the business'.

    The little girl says 'mum? What were you doing?'

    Mum says 'You know daddy's belly is quite big? Well I was just jumping up and down on it to try and help flatten it out for him'

    Girl says: 'Well, I don't know why you bother because as soon as you go out shopping, Mrs. Smith from next door comes round and blows him back up again!'

    ...It's the way you tell it, I know but trust me, I laughed when I first read it!
  • My dentist never tells jokes...
    Progress is not made by everyone joining some new fad,
    and reveling in it's loyalty. It's made by forming coalitions
    over specific principles, goals, and policies.

    http://i36.tinypic.com/66j31x.jpg

    (\__/)
    ( o.O)
    (")_(")
  • so the one legged jockey says, "don't mind me honey - I ride side saddle!"


    muahahahahahahahaaa! *wipes eye*

    best punchline. ever.
    IF YOU WANT A PLATE OF MY BEEF SWELLINGTON, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PAY THE COVERCHARGE.
  • anothercloneanotherclone Posts: 1,688
    Two muffins are in the oven. The first one looks at the other one and says "man its hot in here!!" The second one says "HOLY SHIT!! A talking muffin!!".

    I know, its stupid.

    (same joke also works with sausages in a skillet)
  • Super VedderSuper Vedder Posts: 1,531
    A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
    After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
    "Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
    As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"
    "I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
    "That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
    The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"
    Black, the greatest without a doubt........
  • anothercloneanotherclone Posts: 1,688
    A man was feeling very depressed and walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
    After quickly downing his drink, the man replied "I got home and found my wife in bed with my best friend."
    "Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple, "No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on the house."
    As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"
    "I walked over to my wife" the man replied, "looked her straight in the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
    "That makes sense" said the bartender, "but what about your best friend?"
    The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said 'bad dog!'"

    HAHAHA!!!!
  • fanch75fanch75 Posts: 3,736
    riot act is a good album.


    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
    Do you remember Rock & Roll Radio?
  • Super VedderSuper Vedder Posts: 1,531
    A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals had a habit of picking on strangers. So when he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head and fired a shot into the ceiling. ''WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?'' he yelled.
    No one answered.
    ''ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA HAVE ANOTHA' BEER, AND IF MY HOSS AIN'T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME I FINISH, I'M GONNA DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS! AND I DON'T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT I DONE IN TEXAS!''
    Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The cowboy had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, ''Say partner, before you go. . .what happened in Texas?''
    The cowboy turned back and said, ''I had to walk home.''
    Black, the greatest without a doubt........
  • Super VedderSuper Vedder Posts: 1,531
    Have you ever heard the one about the little boy who grew up thinking women had teeth between their legs?
    When he was young his mother told him women have teeth between their legs so he would be a good boy and not fool around pre- maturely. So, he grew up believing it. So, on his 21st b-day he went to a bar to celebrate. He met this pretty young lady and they hit it off. She ends up taking him home.
    They start getting friendly, kissing and petting and such and she starts to take off her pants. He immediately stops her and tells her, "don't do that, my mother told me about you women.
    You women have teeth between your legs.". She begins to laugh hysterically and finally, after she stops laughing, explains to him that his mother has lied to him.
    She then proceeds to start slipping her pants down while saying "trust me, I'll show you.". He reluctantly agrees to let her show him. Once she gets her pants off she slowly spreads her legs and says, "see there, I don't have any teeth between my legs.".
    He tells her, "it's no wonder, look what shape your gums are in."
    Black, the greatest without a doubt........
  • Super VedderSuper Vedder Posts: 1,531
    A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
    "Perfect," her husband said." I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.
    You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you." :D
    Black, the greatest without a doubt........
  • Super VedderSuper Vedder Posts: 1,531
    Q: What does a 9 volt battery and a woman's sphincter have in common?

    A: You know it's wrong, but sooner or later your tongue is going there.
    Black, the greatest without a doubt........
  • You're good at jokes Super Vedder!
  • Super VedderSuper Vedder Posts: 1,531
    You're good at jokes Super Vedder!

    WOO HOO ive found a talent :D

    cut and pasting rules :)
    Black, the greatest without a doubt........
  • bryn_cmbsbryn_cmbs Posts: 407
    What did one lesbian vampire say to the other?

    "Same time next month?"
  • JamalJamal Posts: 2,115


    Words that are hard to pronounce when you're drunk:

    1. proliferation
    2. Particularly
    3. Innovative
    4. Reduce
    5. Administration

    Words that are VERY hard to pronounce when you're drunk:

    1. Specificity
    2. macroeconomics
    3. Constitutional
    4. Passive-agressive

    Words that are just IMPOSSIBLE to pronounce when you're drunk:

    1. No thanks, I'm not in the mood for sex right now
    2. Nope, no more beer for me
    3. Sorry, but you're not really my type
    4. Goodevening officer, nice day today, isn't it?
    5. Oh no, I really couldn't, noone wants to hear me sing
    Surf little waves big... Charge big waves hard

    - Antwerp '06, Nijmegen '07, Werchter '07
  • Knock knock...

    who's there ?

    fuck off...
    Progress is not made by everyone joining some new fad,
    and reveling in it's loyalty. It's made by forming coalitions
    over specific principles, goals, and policies.

    http://i36.tinypic.com/66j31x.jpg

    (\__/)
    ( o.O)
    (")_(")
  • Knock knock...

    who's there ?

    fuck off...

    ...fuck off, who? :o
  • What do you call it when you give head to a cripple?




    Meals on wheels!
  • corycory Posts: 736
    Why did the redneck cross the road?

    Because his dick was stuck in the chicken's ass.
    Revive the heart of the heartless...

    Why would you start was has no end?
  • jamie ukjamie uk Posts: 3,812
    Great film...great joke..'remember the Alamo!'

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qu_2likGlok
    I came, I saw, I concurred.....
  • pjfan31pjfan31 Posts: 7,331
    Q)what's Green And Smells Like Bacon?

    A) Kermits Finger's
    Sydney 11/02/2003
    Sydney 14/02/2003
    Sydney 07/11/2006
    Sydney 18/11/2006
    Sydney 22/11/2009
    EV Sydney 18/03/2011
    EV Sydney 19/03/2011
    EV Sydney 20/03/2011
    Melbourne 24/01/2014
    Sydney 26/01/2014
    EV Sydney 13/02/2014
  • pjfan31pjfan31 Posts: 7,331
    q)How did the blonde try to kill a bird?

    A)Throw it off the cliff

    Q)How did the blonde try to kill a fish

    A)Drown it

    QHow did the blonde try to kill a worm?

    A)Bury it alive


    Q)Why did the blonde climb the galss wall?

    A) to see what was on the other side
    Sydney 11/02/2003
    Sydney 14/02/2003
    Sydney 07/11/2006
    Sydney 18/11/2006
    Sydney 22/11/2009
    EV Sydney 18/03/2011
    EV Sydney 19/03/2011
    EV Sydney 20/03/2011
    Melbourne 24/01/2014
    Sydney 26/01/2014
    EV Sydney 13/02/2014
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