raise your hand if your divorced....

urbanhippie · May 2008

No long-term relationship breakdown is ever easy...Life is complicated and has a way of kicking you when you're down.

SENROCK · May 2008

Brain of J.Lo wrote:

I once heard someone comment that calling divorce without kids "easier" is like telling a woman who just lost her legs "oh, well you didn't have any good shoes anyway..."

thats CRAZY.

alright heres a random question for the divorced:
Do you think it would be.....BETTER (not easier) if when people marry, theres an OPTION to either renew or call it quits after oh i'd say around 3 years? This way theres no ugly divorce.

urbanhippie · May 2008

SENROCK! wrote:

thats CRAZY.

alright heres a random question for the divorced:
Do you think it would be.....BETTER (not easier) if when people marry, theres an OPTION to either renew or call it quits after oh i'd say around 3 years? This way theres no ugly divorce.

Although I see what you're saying, and maybe it'd work better for some, in my case this wouldn't have made any difference. We were married for 15 years.

SENROCK · May 2008

urbanhippie wrote:

Although I see what you're saying, and maybe it'd work better for some, in my case this wouldn't have made any difference. We were married for 15 years.

well thats what i mean. if at the time you got married you hadd this option. Me and a friend have joked about this for a while now. So seeing this thread i figured it was a good place to get opinions. We say it should be a law that u have the option to "renew" your marriage or just end it. Marriage isnt what it was forever ago. So they say!

iluvcats · May 2008

I got married when I was 18 and left the turd when I was 24. I swear, he was not the same person. He was an alcoholic when I met him and he was 16, I was just naive. But he turned mean. He should have admitted he no longer loved me instead of wasting years of my life. He had girlfriends at work, at the bar where he hung out. He was a party animal, any where else was better than being at home. His drunk friends would feel my leg or chase me around the house! We had horrible fights when we were married and he ripped our closet door off in the apartment where we live. I left him once and went back 3 weeks later. He stopped drinking and would start up again. He spent money like it was water and ran up our credit card bills. He got married again and then divorced (I heard) due to his temper. I remarried in 1997. My new husband is a nice, sweet person with hobbies, not into abusing his body, and I love him. Divorcing my first husband was the best thing I ever did. I grew emotionally and furthered my career. I met my second husband at work!

PJ_Lukin · May 2008

SENROCK! wrote:

well thats what i mean. if at the time you got married you hadd this option. Me and a friend have joked about this for a while now. So seeing this thread i figured it was a good place to get opinions. We say it should be a law that u have the option to "renew" your marriage or just end it. Marriage isnt what it was forever ago. So they say!

Kind of like pro sports guys get with "Option years". if things work out, you can extend it, if they don't you can part ways.

I like it!

urbanhippie · May 2008

SENROCK! wrote:

well thats what i mean. if at the time you got married you hadd this option. Me and a friend have joked about this for a while now. So seeing this thread i figured it was a good place to get opinions. We say it should be a law that u have the option to "renew" your marriage or just end it. Marriage isnt what it was forever ago. So they say!

I understand what you're saying, but don't you think it'd encourage people to think of relationships in a temporary fashion?
What I'm saying is, when I got married I believed in my whole heart it'd be FOREVER. I had no intention of getting divorced or ending things. If I had I wouldn't have done it in the first place. And to intents and purposes it DID work...we were together nearly 18 years and had 4 children. I don't view that as a failiure. We grew apart, life got in the way and now the best thing for both of us is to be apart.
I believe in marriage, and it's not just a 'piece of paper', it's a commitment and I'm worried that something like this might lead people to think otherwise.

Saying that, it would save some people heartache I suppose, as well as the complications of lawyers and courts.

SENROCK · May 2008

urbanhippie wrote:

I understand what you're saying, but don't you think it'd encourage people to think of relationships in a temporary fashion?
What I'm saying is, when I got married I believed in my whole heart it'd be FOREVER. I had no intention of getting divorced or ending things. If I had I wouldn't have done it in the first place. And to intents and purposes it DID work...we were together nearly 18 years and had 4 children. I don't view that as a failiure. We grew apart, life got in the way and now the best thing for both of us is to be apart.
I believe in marriage, and it's not just a 'piece of paper', it's a commitment and I'm worried that something like this might lead people to think otherwise.

Saying that, it would save some people heartache I suppose, as well as the complications of lawyers and courts.

in a way yes it would make people see relationships in temporary fashion. But it just seems as though MOST people think that way alreddie ya know? THATS why my friend and i came up with the option thing. AND, i totally, TOTALLY get what you are saying about believing marriage is forever. THAT is the way it SHOULD be but its just not anymore. Thats one of the reasons i dont take marriage seriously, cuz no one else does either. I think the intentions are good but for some reason it just doesnt last. I would HOPE it does for those that really mean it.

SENROCK · May 2008

PJ_Lukin wrote:

Kind of like pro sports guys get with "Option years". if things work out, you can extend it, if they don't you can part ways.

I like it!

YES! see?

NYbenben · May 2008

SENROCK! wrote:

does it REALLY make it easier if theres no kids? I have a friend thats married and wants a divorce. No kids but for some reason the emotional attachment is freakin CRAZY. Im not married nor do i ever plan to be so im just wondering....in general if its THAT easy without kids.

kids just add another layer to the mess... i feel that if you really want out of a personal relationship, time heals all and you can eventually get over the pain of losing someone you once loved... but when kids are involved, you cant divorce yourself from them... they have nothing to do with how you feel about your significant other. you love your kids unconditionally. Also, the emotional rollercoaster that you put them through, hurts you cause they really dont understand why this is all happening. you need to walk on egg shells and explain that it really isnt thier fault at all.

Dissidentman · May 2008

SENROCK! wrote:

thats CRAZY.

alright heres a random question for the divorced:
Do you think it would be.....BETTER (not easier) if when people marry, theres an OPTION to either renew or call it quits after oh i'd say around 3 years? This way theres no ugly divorce.

This would be cool if you both just left the relationship with what you brought into it. Unfortunately, people "aquire" stuff together, and fighting about that shit can make an otherwise amicable break turn ugly.

urbanhippie · May 2008

NYbenben wrote:

kids just add another layer to the mess... i feel that if you really want out of a personal relationship, time heals all and you can eventually get over the pain of losing someone you once loved... but when kids are involved, you cant divorce yourself from them... they have nothing to do with how you feel about your significant other. you love your kids unconditionally. Also, the emotional rollercoaster that you put them through, hurts you cause they really dont understand why this is all happening. you need to walk on egg shells and explain that it really isnt thier fault at all.

Yes, it's hard. You have to contain all of their anger and confusion whilst trying to cope with your own feelings.

SENROCK · May 2008

NYbenben wrote:

kids just add another layer to the mess... i feel that if you really want out of a personal relationship, time heals all and you can eventually get over the pain of losing someone you once loved... but when kids are involved, you cant divorce yourself from them... they have nothing to do with how you feel about your significant other. you love your kids unconditionally. Also, the emotional rollercoaster that you put them through, hurts you cause they really dont understand why this is all happening. you need to walk on egg shells and explain that it really isnt thier fault at all.

its true. you cant divorce from your kidz. My cuzin got married 8 years ago and hadd 4 boys. All him and his wife did for EIGHT YEARS was argue day and night. literally. They loved each other a couple months then hate. then love, then hate. Everyone knew the routine alreddie. The worst part of it all is the boys ALWAYS hadd sadd looks on their faces. They witnessed the parents fighting and pulling knives on one another and yelling and just NEVER anything good. More than ANYTHING the kidz suffered through it. Now, FINALLY, they decided on their anniversary 3 months ago that they needed to part. The kidz really look different and happy and the oldest one told me "my dadd said its not my fault him and my mom were fighting and dont live together anymore. is that true?" :eek:

comebackwoman · May 2008

I think it's really difficult to untangle your life from someone else...especially when you've planned things as if you would be together forever...finances, property, health insurance, pensions, emotions and hopes for a future. It's really hard to untangle all that and can be a very involved process. In my case I think it's been easier because we don't have kids...but mostly I think it's been easier because he's a really decent upstanding person and rather than trying to hurt each other we've tried to handle things in a way that's supportive and fair..while keeping our focus on maintaining some sort of friendship. Even that doesn't make it easy...it can be painful as hell...but definitely makes it more tolerable.

ajedigecko · May 2008

urbanhippie wrote:

Currently in the middle of a not very friendly divorce.

all due respect to your situation.

my question is, how long has your marriage been failing?

urbanhippie · May 2008

ajedigecko wrote:

all due respect to your situation.

my question is, how long has your marriage been failing?

We were married (and techinically we still are) for 15 years. I would say that things were difficult for the last 2-3 years. Although the other party may have a different view on that.

upina2001 · May 2008

NYbenben wrote:

i have pondered the thought a several times but have yet to pull the trigger. it is a tough situation... compounded further if you have kids. if you dont, then it makes things a lot simpler.

good luck with it.

male; & pondering it; a 5 year old daughter and she's the only reason I stick around.
been married almost 5 years. got prego after 2 months; got married after 6 months.
My reason to divorce is due to lack of financial trust on her part.
1 bankruptcy on her end before we married; now she's got us in debt again.

PatrickBateman · May 2008

my wife is worse than a politician running for office the way she flip-flops. She has been throwing around the "d" word for about 2 years. But she doesn't do anything....she always leaves it to me to start the process. I am not ready for that just yet, but every time we argue and it comes up, I get closer to being ready. I have 3 kids (13,5,7months) and pretty sure they are keeping me there.

Dissidentman · May 2008

I can't read this thread anymore. It makes me want to go hug my kids and never let go

PJ_Lukin · May 2008

upina2001 wrote:

male; & pondering it; a 5 year old daughter and she's the only reason I stick around.

You could try what I did. I got a 2 bedroom apartment for a year. Lived by myself (with my daughter staying with me frequently) and went and saw pearl jam about 10x's, among other things. Moved back home and things have been ok since. That may not work for everyone. Space and different air will do wonders. After all, you got married for a reason!

raise your hand if your divorced....

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