raise your hand if your divorced....

Dissidentman

SENROCK! wrote:

thats CRAZY.

alright heres a random question for the divorced:
Do you think it would be.....BETTER (not easier) if when people marry, theres an OPTION to either renew or call it quits after oh i'd say around 3 years? This way theres no ugly divorce.

This would be cool if you both just left the relationship with what you brought into it. Unfortunately, people "aquire" stuff together, and fighting about that shit can make an otherwise amicable break turn ugly.

urbanhippie

NYbenben wrote:

kids just add another layer to the mess... i feel that if you really want out of a personal relationship, time heals all and you can eventually get over the pain of losing someone you once loved... but when kids are involved, you cant divorce yourself from them... they have nothing to do with how you feel about your significant other. you love your kids unconditionally. Also, the emotional rollercoaster that you put them through, hurts you cause they really dont understand why this is all happening. you need to walk on egg shells and explain that it really isnt thier fault at all.

Yes, it's hard. You have to contain all of their anger and confusion whilst trying to cope with your own feelings.

SENROCK

NYbenben wrote:

kids just add another layer to the mess... i feel that if you really want out of a personal relationship, time heals all and you can eventually get over the pain of losing someone you once loved... but when kids are involved, you cant divorce yourself from them... they have nothing to do with how you feel about your significant other. you love your kids unconditionally. Also, the emotional rollercoaster that you put them through, hurts you cause they really dont understand why this is all happening. you need to walk on egg shells and explain that it really isnt thier fault at all.

its true. you cant divorce from your kidz. My cuzin got married 8 years ago and hadd 4 boys. All him and his wife did for EIGHT YEARS was argue day and night. literally. They loved each other a couple months then hate. then love, then hate. Everyone knew the routine alreddie. The worst part of it all is the boys ALWAYS hadd sadd looks on their faces. They witnessed the parents fighting and pulling knives on one another and yelling and just NEVER anything good. More than ANYTHING the kidz suffered through it. Now, FINALLY, they decided on their anniversary 3 months ago that they needed to part. The kidz really look different and happy and the oldest one told me "my dadd said its not my fault him and my mom were fighting and dont live together anymore. is that true?" :eek:

comebackwoman

I think it's really difficult to untangle your life from someone else...especially when you've planned things as if you would be together forever...finances, property, health insurance, pensions, emotions and hopes for a future. It's really hard to untangle all that and can be a very involved process. In my case I think it's been easier because we don't have kids...but mostly I think it's been easier because he's a really decent upstanding person and rather than trying to hurt each other we've tried to handle things in a way that's supportive and fair..while keeping our focus on maintaining some sort of friendship. Even that doesn't make it easy...it can be painful as hell...but definitely makes it more tolerable.

ajedigecko

urbanhippie wrote:

Currently in the middle of a not very friendly divorce.

all due respect to your situation.

my question is, how long has your marriage been failing?

urbanhippie

ajedigecko wrote:

all due respect to your situation.

my question is, how long has your marriage been failing?

We were married (and techinically we still are) for 15 years. I would say that things were difficult for the last 2-3 years. Although the other party may have a different view on that.

upina2001

NYbenben wrote:

i have pondered the thought a several times but have yet to pull the trigger. it is a tough situation... compounded further if you have kids. if you dont, then it makes things a lot simpler.

good luck with it.

male; & pondering it; a 5 year old daughter and she's the only reason I stick around.
been married almost 5 years. got prego after 2 months; got married after 6 months.
My reason to divorce is due to lack of financial trust on her part.
1 bankruptcy on her end before we married; now she's got us in debt again.

PatrickBateman

my wife is worse than a politician running for office the way she flip-flops. She has been throwing around the "d" word for about 2 years. But she doesn't do anything....she always leaves it to me to start the process. I am not ready for that just yet, but every time we argue and it comes up, I get closer to being ready. I have 3 kids (13,5,7months) and pretty sure they are keeping me there.

Dissidentman

I can't read this thread anymore. It makes me want to go hug my kids and never let go

PJ_Lukin

upina2001 wrote:

male; & pondering it; a 5 year old daughter and she's the only reason I stick around.

You could try what I did. I got a 2 bedroom apartment for a year. Lived by myself (with my daughter staying with me frequently) and went and saw pearl jam about 10x's, among other things. Moved back home and things have been ok since. That may not work for everyone. Space and different air will do wonders. After all, you got married for a reason!

eyedclaar

My divorce was awesome. It was the marriage that sucked horribly. Although, I hear she didn't appreciate the divorce much, but I wouldn't know. Once I walked out that door I was gone forever. Never seen or talked to her since, nor do I care to.

upina2001

eyedclaar wrote:

My divorce was awesome. It was the marriage that sucked horribly. Although, I hear she didn't appreciate the divorce much, but I wouldn't know. Once I walked out that door I was gone forever. Never seen or talked to her since, nor do I care to.

I did that to an ex-girlfriend, which is also why my wife thinks I will do that to her if/when it all hits the fan. She has assumed this is how I break up/divorce due to I did it previously right before I met her; however, that was the "agreement" me and my former gf had.

Heineken Helen

SENROCK! wrote:

in a way yes it would make people see relationships in temporary fashion. But it just seems as though MOST people think that way alreddie ya know? THATS why my friend and i came up with the option thing. AND, i totally, TOTALLY get what you are saying about believing marriage is forever. THAT is the way it SHOULD be but its just not anymore. Thats one of the reasons i dont take marriage seriously, cuz no one else does either. I think the intentions are good but for some reason it just doesnt last. I would HOPE it does for those that really mean it.

Things always go full circle sen... it's got to the point where the sacrament of marriage is almost completely destroyed... and for that reason it will become 'cool' again. Like speaking Irish!

I know plenty of people who don't believe in marriage... and they won't get married for that reason. I believe in it. I think far too many people think of a marriage as just a wedding though... they spend years and years (or days in some cases )planning for this massive day... and once that's over with, they get bored . So what... they have kids... the novelty of the kids wear off then so a couple of years later 'oh what can we try that we haven't done yet? I know... divorce'

Ok, I'm sure it's not that easy... but my fingers just keep typing and I just can't seem to stop it.

Heineken Helen

SENROCK! wrote:

The kidz really look different and happy and the oldest one told me "my dadd said its not my fault him and my mom were fighting and dont live together anymore. is that true?" :eek:

:( All too fucking often. My parents stayed together for our sake :rolleyes: . It was fantastic hearing my mother bitch about my father constantly when he wasn't there and fight with him when he was... yip, thanks mother!

SENROCK

Heineken Helen wrote:

Things always go full circle sen... it's got to the point where the sacrament of marriage is almost completely destroyed... and for that reason it will become 'cool' again. Like speaking Irish!

I know plenty of people who don't believe in marriage... and they won't get married for that reason. I believe in it. I think far too many people think of a marriage as just a wedding though... they spend years and years (or days in some cases )planning for this massive day... and once that's over with, they get bored . So what... they have kids... the novelty of the kids wear off then so a couple of years later 'oh what can we try that we haven't done yet? I know... divorce'

Ok, I'm sure it's not that easy... but my fingers just keep typing and I just can't seem to stop it.

i thought speaking hawaiian was cool.

Heineken Helen

SENROCK! wrote:

i thought speaking hawaiian was cool.

I mean the way Irish was on its way to being a dead language... and for that reason it became cool and loads more people are learning now... until it gets to the point where everyone will speak it and then it will be cool to speak english

SENROCK

Heineken Helen wrote:

:( All too fucking often. My parents stayed together for our sake :rolleyes: . It was fantastic hearing my mother bitch about my father constantly when he wasn't there and fight with him when he was... yip, thanks mother!

thats ANOTHER thing. Is it REALLY wise to stay together for the kidz???? Things often end up the way you described above. I think the intention of people trying to stay together for the kidz is good but if you cant keep your arguing and fighting under control while children are present.....then whats the point?! I dont like people all up in my business but I will say this here and ONLY here RIGHT NOW: MY parents just decided they cant be together anymore a few months ago. I was sort of surprised but i knew one was less happy than the other. Ive always been super close to my dadd and think he's awesome. The night he came up to me and said "i dont want to be married anymore" pretty much scarred me. Im not a kid but im HIS kid so it bothers me. The reality of hearing him say that was ALOT to take. When they finally decided, i asked WHY they stayed together for so long if they were unhappy YEARS ago they said "for you and your brothers". ok, to me as an adult that obviously didnt help anything. All it did was create distance becuz my brother HATES my dadd now becuz of this and my other brother will NOT allow my dadd anywhere near his home OR to see my niece and nephew/his grandkidz. So in the end, does it REALLY make sense to stay together for the kidz? i think not.

Heineken Helen

I agree completely sen, NONE of us talk to my mother now... basically cos she stayed with my dad 'for the kids'... til it got too much for her so she did something terrible to US so that he would do the right thing and finally leave her and agree to give her whatever the fuck she wanted just to get her out of our life. She's an evil bitch and perhaps if they'd split earlier it wouldn't have got that far and they'd remain amicable. Who knows?

Kids aren't stupid... they know exactly what's going on. And if they don't, it will be pointed out to them. I remember a friend used to see my parents fight and go on and on about how her parents never fight and how in love they are... then once I was at her house and they fought and I got great pleasure out of it and revelled in it for a long time (I was a kid and she'd been rubbing my nose in it)

urbanhippie

SENROCK! wrote:

thats ANOTHER thing. Is it REALLY wise to stay together for the kidz???? Things often end up the way you described above. I think the intention of people trying to stay together for the kidz is good but if you cant keep your arguing and fighting under control while children are present.....then whats the point?! I dont like people all up in my business but I will say this here and ONLY here RIGHT NOW: MY parents just decided they cant be together anymore a few months ago. I was sort of surprised but i knew one was less happy than the other. Ive always been super close to my dadd and think he's awesome. The night he came up to me and said "i dont want to be married anymore" pretty much scarred me. Im not a kid but im HIS kid so it bothers me. The reality of hearing him say that was ALOT to take. When they finally decided, i asked WHY they stayed together for so long if they were unhappy YEARS ago they said "for you and your brothers". ok, to me as an adult that obviously didnt help anything. All it did was create distance becuz my brother HATES my dadd now becuz of this and my other brother will NOT allow my dadd anywhere near his home OR to see my niece and nephew/his grandkidz. So in the end, does it REALLY make sense to stay together for the kidz? i think not.

I agree. My kids were sad and unhappy when we split up, it wasn't what they wanted at all.
In the end though, they can see the difference it has made. The house is calmer and happier, the daily fights have stopped and all in all they understand.
I thought for a long time that they'd hate us forever, but we're all moving on and things are back to normal...just a different normal to before

Heineken Helen

urbanhippie wrote:

I agree. My kids were sad and unhappy when we split up, it wasn't what they wanted at all.
In the end though, they can see the difference it has made. The house is calmer and happier, the daily fights have stopped and all in all they understand.
I thought for a long time that they'd hate us forever, but we're all moving on and things are back to normal...just a different normal to before

It really is for the best to get it over with. It's how you handle it from then on that will decide whether or not it effects the kids.

Sian-of-the-dead

urbanhippie wrote:

moving on and things are back to normal...just a different normal to before

Great post

SENROCK

urbanhippie wrote:

things are back to normal...just a different normal to before

THAT right there is powerful. I hadd never known the 'divorced parents' world. It was so new to me and i didnt know how to react or deal with it i guess? But i told one friend and he was like 'oh yeah it happens all the time, its normal' :eek: it wasnt to ME but more and more i see that it is. Its sadd but like you said, its just a different normal!

rearviewmiror

I will be as soon as my ex signs the papers and appears in court.

urbanhippie

Sian-of-the-dead wrote:

Great post

Thanks hun I know you get it

_

Jeremy1012 wrote:

as sure as life is a sexually transmitted disease with 100% mortality rate

That's hysterical! I've never heard that one before.

locked

q: Why does divorce cost so much?

a: Because its worth it!

count me in after 17 years..

Got tired of hanging from her "Pretty Noose"..

GreenTeaDisease

urbanhippie wrote:

Divorce is never easy, but kids add the complications of access and custody. If you want to make a clean break this can be difficult when you have to see your ex all the time. In my case all this has done is make a difficult thing even harder.

I know someone who keeps talking about getting one when her kid is a teenager. that's got to be hell, waiting for a little kid to become a teenager just so you can get out of your marriage.

Lizard

GreenTeaDisease wrote:

I know someone who keeps talking about getting one when her kid is a teenager. that's got to be hell, waiting for a little kid to become a teenager just so you can get out of your marriage.

Yeah, that is well thought-out. Teenage years are so "fun", so she is gonna throw in a divorce too!!!

tybird

Divorced......but have since re-married.

GreenTeaDisease

Lizard wrote:

Yeah, that is well thought-out. Teenage years are so "fun", so she is gonna throw in a divorce too!!!

I feel really bad for this women. she clearly does not like being married. she says she just did because that's what everyone expects. very sad. Glad I've never gotten myself into that.