Need some advice

mammasan
mammasan Posts: 5,656
edited September 2008 in All Encompassing Trip
So one of my good friends, I have been really good friends with this woman for close to 20 years now, is getting married at the end of the month. She is like a sister to me, but I feel that she is making a huge mistake. Her fiance is a total douche bag and from the many times I have been around them both I definitely do not like the way he treats her. So she calls me about 30 minutes ago crying because she is having trouble paying for this wedding and the stress is getting to her. Her fiance lost his job, he was attending the academy to become a corrections officer and was arrested for a DUI so was booted from the academy, and is of no financial or emotional help at all. She is working a full-time job plus bartending and waiting tables 2 nights a week and every weekend in order to pay for this wedding. She wanted a small wedding, but it was his idea to have over 300 people at this event and he hasn't contributed a dime. So she is stressed to the max and to top it off the guy is going away this weekend with some friends to play golf, with her money.

I normally tend to stay out of my friend's personal lives but I feel that I have to tell my friend how I feel. This guy is a total prick and is basically just using my friend. She is a bit over weight and does have some self esteem issues and I can just tell that this fucking cock sucker is just playing on her insecurities. I fear though that if I speak up it may ruin our friendship and I definitely don't want that to happen, but at the same time I don't want to see my friend get fucked over.
"When one gets in bed with government, one must expect the diseases it spreads." - Ron Paul
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Comments

  • my2hands
    my2hands Posts: 17,117
    doesnt sound like a good situation at all... tough spot for you to be in as well

    tell her, thats what friends are for


    btw, golfing for the weekend with her $ and he doesnt have a job? no way jose, sounds like bad news to me
  • norm
    norm Posts: 31,146
    i hate people the like this guy...i'd have a talk with her...she might get really pissed but it's worth a shot...try and get her to see who this guy reall yis and not what she thinks he is...
  • JOEJOEJOE
    JOEJOEJOE Posts: 10,864
    The pain and embarrassment of calling-off a wedding is a small price to pay to avoid a miserable marriage.
  • mole1985
    mole1985 Posts: 1,119
    Talk to her, tell her how you feel and that you are just looking out for your friend. If she still wants to marry the fucker you just have to accept it and be there for her the best you can. You can't dictate her life, it's her mistake to make but just make it clear she could do a hell of a lot better.

    Oh and kick the guy square in the nutsack when you see him for me would ya?
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  • wolfbear
    wolfbear Posts: 3,965
    I'd say you have to try. She might be mad and go ahead, but in the end she will know you were right. Sometimes people have to make their own mistakes.
    Maybe at least try to get her to postpone it awhile. :)
    "I'd rather be with an animal." "Those that can be trusted can change their mind." "The in between is mine." "If I don't lose control, explore and not explode, a preternatural other plane with the power to maintain." "Yeh this is living." "Life is what you make it."
  • mammasan
    mammasan Posts: 5,656
    I'm going to tell her. I asked her to meet me for dinner on Thursday after work so I can talk to her.
    "When one gets in bed with government, one must expect the diseases it spreads." - Ron Paul
  • blackredyellow
    blackredyellow Posts: 5,889
    Yeah... you gotta be honest with her. If your description of him is accurate, then you know it will only get worse. Sounds like a real scumbag.
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  • Black Diamond
    Black Diamond Posts: 25,109
    Let me say this. I am currently happily married for almost 10 years. However I was married once before for 6 months and was in one of the most awful relationships ever.

    3 days before my first wedding, one of my closest friends and I were at a bar and she let me have it after I asked her was this a good thing! Boy, I wish i had listened to her. She broke down what exactly was wrong with the relationship and why it was never going to work.

    I would say that you should say something. I would doubt your friend will listen but it might make her think sooner when things go down the hill.

    I am still very close to my friend so that did nothing to effect our relationship.
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  • my2hands
    my2hands Posts: 17,117
    mammasan wrote:
    I'm going to tell her. I asked her to meet me for dinner on Thursday after work so I can talk to her.


    good for you... it is not the easy or comfortable thing to do but you are being a good friend
  • MonsterOfTheMidway
    MonsterOfTheMidway Posts: 416
    I don't know man. This is a prickly situation. I have a bunch of friends who are engaged to lame asses, but I think in these cases it's better that they figure it out on their own.

    You said she's stressed out about the wedding and such, so why and make her more stressed by telling her that the guy she is about to marry sucks? That'll just make things more complicated for them but between you and her.


    Really, you should just let her figure it out. If you're not in her family, don't try to act like it. Often people get offended by that. She's an adult and if she really does like the guy, which it sounds like since they are getting married, then let it be. If he sucks then she'll figure it out on her own.
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  • Get_Right
    Get_Right Posts: 14,240
    you are a good friend
    tell her how you feel
    just do it gently

    she is stressed out enough with the wedding coming up
  • ReleaseMe...
    ReleaseMe... Posts: 494
    JOEJOEJOE wrote:
    The pain and embarrassment of calling-off a wedding is a small price to pay to avoid a miserable marriage.
    thats what they said to all the couples at the beginning of a pre-marriage course i had to take.....so true
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  • mammasan
    mammasan Posts: 5,656
    I know that my timing isn't great for having this talk but I have had enough of this guy. The fact that my friend is busting her ass to pay for this wedding, on top of all the other expenses they have, and he doesn't work but is going away for the weekend by paying for it with her credit card is the final straw. I'm not the type of person that believes in using violence to settle disputes but every time I see this prick I just want to kick his fucking teeth in. My friend is the sweetest kindest person I know. Through out my recovery from my addiction and my divorce, which where the two hardest ordeals I have every had to face, she was always there for me. I feel like I can't just turn a blind eye to this. I feel that if I don't say anything I will be betraying her.
    "When one gets in bed with government, one must expect the diseases it spreads." - Ron Paul
  • lalalalaaaaaaaa
    lalalalaaaaaaaa Posts: 2,445
    Yeah, say something. Friends should look out for each other. It's not like you have to get involved. Express your thoughts.
  • kcherub
    kcherub Posts: 961
    this is a crappy situation for everyone involved. So sorry you are having to deal with this.

    IMO, the best thing you can do right now is to listen to her and to try to support her in any way you can. If she is planning on marrying him, she must find some good qualities in him, and probably won't change her mind no matter how much you care about her!

    I would be worried that while she would understand that you were expressing your concerns, she would still go through with the wedding and "the talk" could ultimately hurt your friendship with her.

    Now, if you knew something about him (that she didn't) and it was HUGE, you should definitely tell her before it's too late. However, I don't think that is the case in this situation.

    Whatever you do, you are a good friend to be so concerned about her. :)
    I still want you all to "take care"--I am just damn tired of typing it.

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  • meistereder
    meistereder Posts: 1,578
    As a friend, the way you have to be is honest yet supportive. In other words, make it clear that you do not like the way he is treating her because you care about her. Don't say something like "He's an asshole!" because that will only make her choose sides and in all likelihood, it would be him over you.

    It's a fine line, but if you are diplomatic about it, she'll understand you are concerned for her because your primary interest is for her happiness. And she'll thank you later, or, at least she'll know that she can come to you after the shit hits the fan, which it sounds like is inevitable. Most likely after they get married and have a kid or two.
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  • chadwick
    chadwick up my ass Posts: 21,157
    the dude is a self centered lil prick wanna be prison gaurd who couldn't hang.
    she's a hard worker with huge dreams.
    he's a lazy fuckin idiot.
    you had better talk to your friend.
    you've known her for 20 years, she's like your sister, you can't go wrong with confronting her about her bunk ass dude.
    she will loose this jerk off i promise.
    i can see it now.
    fuck it, let her read these messages on here.

    good luck to you and your friend.
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  • eyedclaar
    eyedclaar Posts: 6,980
    I used to recruit and test correctional officers and pretty much the only difference between them and the prisoners was which side of the bars they were standing on.

    And this guy even failed that pursuit... Just sayin'
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  • TrixieCat
    TrixieCat Posts: 5,756
    chadwick wrote:
    the dude is a self centered lil prick wanna be prison gaurd who couldn't hang.
    she's a hard worker with huge dreams.
    he's a lazy fuckin idiot.
    you had better talk to your friend.
    you've known her for 20 years, she's like your sister, you can't go wrong with confronting her about her bunk ass dude.
    she will loose this jerk off i promise.
    i can see it now.
    fuck it, let her read these messages on here.

    good luck to you and your friend.
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    And I don't feel right when you're gone away
  • saveuplife
    saveuplife Posts: 1,173
    mammasan wrote:
    So one of my good friends, I have been really good friends with this woman for close to 20 years now, is getting married at the end of the month. She is like a sister to me, but I feel that she is making a huge mistake. Her fiance is a total douche bag and from the many times I have been around them both I definitely do not like the way he treats her. So she calls me about 30 minutes ago crying because she is having trouble paying for this wedding and the stress is getting to her. Her fiance lost his job, he was attending the academy to become a corrections officer and was arrested for a DUI so was booted from the academy, and is of no financial or emotional help at all. She is working a full-time job plus bartending and waiting tables 2 nights a week and every weekend in order to pay for this wedding. She wanted a small wedding, but it was his idea to have over 300 people at this event and he hasn't contributed a dime. So she is stressed to the max and to top it off the guy is going away this weekend with some friends to play golf, with her money.

    I normally tend to stay out of my friend's personal lives but I feel that I have to tell my friend how I feel. This guy is a total prick and is basically just using my friend. She is a bit over weight and does have some self esteem issues and I can just tell that this fucking cock sucker is just playing on her insecurities. I fear though that if I speak up it may ruin our friendship and I definitely don't want that to happen, but at the same time I don't want to see my friend get fucked over.

    She most likely will listen to you and defend him. She is choosing to marry him afterall. Remind her of that though. It's her "choice" and divorce is ugly.

    That said, I think you should say something casually. Say that you don't like the way he treats her. Don't bash him. That's not necessary and it will most likely end up with her taking his side. Keep it about their relationship and not personal. Tell her that you care about her well-being and are not bringing this up to make matters worse.

    Good luck. It pays to have friends like you.

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