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Need some advice

mammasanmammasan Posts: 5,656
edited September 2008 in All Encompassing Trip
So one of my good friends, I have been really good friends with this woman for close to 20 years now, is getting married at the end of the month. She is like a sister to me, but I feel that she is making a huge mistake. Her fiance is a total douche bag and from the many times I have been around them both I definitely do not like the way he treats her. So she calls me about 30 minutes ago crying because she is having trouble paying for this wedding and the stress is getting to her. Her fiance lost his job, he was attending the academy to become a corrections officer and was arrested for a DUI so was booted from the academy, and is of no financial or emotional help at all. She is working a full-time job plus bartending and waiting tables 2 nights a week and every weekend in order to pay for this wedding. She wanted a small wedding, but it was his idea to have over 300 people at this event and he hasn't contributed a dime. So she is stressed to the max and to top it off the guy is going away this weekend with some friends to play golf, with her money.

I normally tend to stay out of my friend's personal lives but I feel that I have to tell my friend how I feel. This guy is a total prick and is basically just using my friend. She is a bit over weight and does have some self esteem issues and I can just tell that this fucking cock sucker is just playing on her insecurities. I fear though that if I speak up it may ruin our friendship and I definitely don't want that to happen, but at the same time I don't want to see my friend get fucked over.
"When one gets in bed with government, one must expect the diseases it spreads." - Ron Paul
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Comments

  • my2handsmy2hands Posts: 17,117
    doesnt sound like a good situation at all... tough spot for you to be in as well

    tell her, thats what friends are for


    btw, golfing for the weekend with her $ and he doesnt have a job? no way jose, sounds like bad news to me
  • normnorm Posts: 31,146
    i hate people the like this guy...i'd have a talk with her...she might get really pissed but it's worth a shot...try and get her to see who this guy reall yis and not what she thinks he is...
  • JOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOE Posts: 10,619
    The pain and embarrassment of calling-off a wedding is a small price to pay to avoid a miserable marriage.
  • mole1985mole1985 Posts: 1,119
    Talk to her, tell her how you feel and that you are just looking out for your friend. If she still wants to marry the fucker you just have to accept it and be there for her the best you can. You can't dictate her life, it's her mistake to make but just make it clear she could do a hell of a lot better.

    Oh and kick the guy square in the nutsack when you see him for me would ya?
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  • wolfbearwolfbear Posts: 3,965
    I'd say you have to try. She might be mad and go ahead, but in the end she will know you were right. Sometimes people have to make their own mistakes.
    Maybe at least try to get her to postpone it awhile. :)
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  • mammasanmammasan Posts: 5,656
    I'm going to tell her. I asked her to meet me for dinner on Thursday after work so I can talk to her.
    "When one gets in bed with government, one must expect the diseases it spreads." - Ron Paul
  • blackredyellowblackredyellow Posts: 5,889
    Yeah... you gotta be honest with her. If your description of him is accurate, then you know it will only get worse. Sounds like a real scumbag.
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  • Black DiamondBlack Diamond Posts: 25,107
    Let me say this. I am currently happily married for almost 10 years. However I was married once before for 6 months and was in one of the most awful relationships ever.

    3 days before my first wedding, one of my closest friends and I were at a bar and she let me have it after I asked her was this a good thing! Boy, I wish i had listened to her. She broke down what exactly was wrong with the relationship and why it was never going to work.

    I would say that you should say something. I would doubt your friend will listen but it might make her think sooner when things go down the hill.

    I am still very close to my friend so that did nothing to effect our relationship.
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  • my2handsmy2hands Posts: 17,117
    mammasan wrote:
    I'm going to tell her. I asked her to meet me for dinner on Thursday after work so I can talk to her.


    good for you... it is not the easy or comfortable thing to do but you are being a good friend
  • MonsterOfTheMidwayMonsterOfTheMidway Posts: 416
    I don't know man. This is a prickly situation. I have a bunch of friends who are engaged to lame asses, but I think in these cases it's better that they figure it out on their own.

    You said she's stressed out about the wedding and such, so why and make her more stressed by telling her that the guy she is about to marry sucks? That'll just make things more complicated for them but between you and her.


    Really, you should just let her figure it out. If you're not in her family, don't try to act like it. Often people get offended by that. She's an adult and if she really does like the guy, which it sounds like since they are getting married, then let it be. If he sucks then she'll figure it out on her own.
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  • Get_RightGet_Right Posts: 13,326
    you are a good friend
    tell her how you feel
    just do it gently

    she is stressed out enough with the wedding coming up
  • ReleaseMe...ReleaseMe... Posts: 494
    JOEJOEJOE wrote:
    The pain and embarrassment of calling-off a wedding is a small price to pay to avoid a miserable marriage.
    thats what they said to all the couples at the beginning of a pre-marriage course i had to take.....so true
    Mansfield II: # 23, since '03

    routine was the theme..

    there aint gonna be any middle any more
  • mammasanmammasan Posts: 5,656
    I know that my timing isn't great for having this talk but I have had enough of this guy. The fact that my friend is busting her ass to pay for this wedding, on top of all the other expenses they have, and he doesn't work but is going away for the weekend by paying for it with her credit card is the final straw. I'm not the type of person that believes in using violence to settle disputes but every time I see this prick I just want to kick his fucking teeth in. My friend is the sweetest kindest person I know. Through out my recovery from my addiction and my divorce, which where the two hardest ordeals I have every had to face, she was always there for me. I feel like I can't just turn a blind eye to this. I feel that if I don't say anything I will be betraying her.
    "When one gets in bed with government, one must expect the diseases it spreads." - Ron Paul
  • lalalalaaaaaaaalalalalaaaaaaaa Posts: 2,445
    Yeah, say something. Friends should look out for each other. It's not like you have to get involved. Express your thoughts.
  • kcherubkcherub Posts: 961
    this is a crappy situation for everyone involved. So sorry you are having to deal with this.

    IMO, the best thing you can do right now is to listen to her and to try to support her in any way you can. If she is planning on marrying him, she must find some good qualities in him, and probably won't change her mind no matter how much you care about her!

    I would be worried that while she would understand that you were expressing your concerns, she would still go through with the wedding and "the talk" could ultimately hurt your friendship with her.

    Now, if you knew something about him (that she didn't) and it was HUGE, you should definitely tell her before it's too late. However, I don't think that is the case in this situation.

    Whatever you do, you are a good friend to be so concerned about her. :)
    I still want you all to "take care"--I am just damn tired of typing it.

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  • meisteredermeistereder Posts: 1,577
    As a friend, the way you have to be is honest yet supportive. In other words, make it clear that you do not like the way he is treating her because you care about her. Don't say something like "He's an asshole!" because that will only make her choose sides and in all likelihood, it would be him over you.

    It's a fine line, but if you are diplomatic about it, she'll understand you are concerned for her because your primary interest is for her happiness. And she'll thank you later, or, at least she'll know that she can come to you after the shit hits the fan, which it sounds like is inevitable. Most likely after they get married and have a kid or two.
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  • chadwickchadwick up my ass Posts: 21,157
    the dude is a self centered lil prick wanna be prison gaurd who couldn't hang.
    she's a hard worker with huge dreams.
    he's a lazy fuckin idiot.
    you had better talk to your friend.
    you've known her for 20 years, she's like your sister, you can't go wrong with confronting her about her bunk ass dude.
    she will loose this jerk off i promise.
    i can see it now.
    fuck it, let her read these messages on here.

    good luck to you and your friend.
    for poetry through the ceiling. ISBN: 1 4241 8840 7

    "Hear me, my chiefs!
    I am tired; my heart is
    sick and sad. From where
    the sun stands I will fight
    no more forever."
    Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
  • eyedclaareyedclaar Posts: 6,980
    I used to recruit and test correctional officers and pretty much the only difference between them and the prisoners was which side of the bars they were standing on.

    And this guy even failed that pursuit... Just sayin'
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  • TrixieCatTrixieCat Posts: 5,756
    chadwick wrote:
    the dude is a self centered lil prick wanna be prison gaurd who couldn't hang.
    she's a hard worker with huge dreams.
    he's a lazy fuckin idiot.
    you had better talk to your friend.
    you've known her for 20 years, she's like your sister, you can't go wrong with confronting her about her bunk ass dude.
    she will loose this jerk off i promise.
    i can see it now.
    fuck it, let her read these messages on here.

    good luck to you and your friend.
    Word.
    Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
    And I don't feel right when you're gone away
  • saveuplifesaveuplife Posts: 1,173
    mammasan wrote:
    So one of my good friends, I have been really good friends with this woman for close to 20 years now, is getting married at the end of the month. She is like a sister to me, but I feel that she is making a huge mistake. Her fiance is a total douche bag and from the many times I have been around them both I definitely do not like the way he treats her. So she calls me about 30 minutes ago crying because she is having trouble paying for this wedding and the stress is getting to her. Her fiance lost his job, he was attending the academy to become a corrections officer and was arrested for a DUI so was booted from the academy, and is of no financial or emotional help at all. She is working a full-time job plus bartending and waiting tables 2 nights a week and every weekend in order to pay for this wedding. She wanted a small wedding, but it was his idea to have over 300 people at this event and he hasn't contributed a dime. So she is stressed to the max and to top it off the guy is going away this weekend with some friends to play golf, with her money.

    I normally tend to stay out of my friend's personal lives but I feel that I have to tell my friend how I feel. This guy is a total prick and is basically just using my friend. She is a bit over weight and does have some self esteem issues and I can just tell that this fucking cock sucker is just playing on her insecurities. I fear though that if I speak up it may ruin our friendship and I definitely don't want that to happen, but at the same time I don't want to see my friend get fucked over.

    She most likely will listen to you and defend him. She is choosing to marry him afterall. Remind her of that though. It's her "choice" and divorce is ugly.

    That said, I think you should say something casually. Say that you don't like the way he treats her. Don't bash him. That's not necessary and it will most likely end up with her taking his side. Keep it about their relationship and not personal. Tell her that you care about her well-being and are not bringing this up to make matters worse.

    Good luck. It pays to have friends like you.
  • petrocspetrocs Posts: 4,342
    you need to always speak your mind..your friend will appreciate that more than you not saying anythnig at all. trust me...my girlfriends hate me when I criticize their choices in guys to date until they break up with them and tell me "ok ok you were right" its a tough place to be in but if you care for her you do it
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  • chadwickchadwick up my ass Posts: 21,157
    eyedclaar wrote:
    I used to recruit and test correctional officers and pretty much the only difference between them and the prisoners was which side of the bars they were standing on.

    And this guy even failed that pursuit... Just sayin'

    off topic a bit:

    funny shit :D
    you do have point, they are nuts.
    my dad was one for 30 odd years. (Iowa State Penitentiary)
    i grew up with a hard nosed dad who took zero crap from anyone.
    takes a different breed to work in such an environment.
    i love those guys/gals.

    to the O.P.
    yeah if her dude couldn't stay sober for a brief time period
    and at least not drive while being drunk
    all while attending a prison gaurd academy
    he doesn't care about certain important stuff that he should

    we all make mistakes
    i am far from innocent

    funny thing is after the academy shit he could have partied his ass off.
    almost every prison gaurd i know parties his/her ass off.
    for poetry through the ceiling. ISBN: 1 4241 8840 7

    "Hear me, my chiefs!
    I am tired; my heart is
    sick and sad. From where
    the sun stands I will fight
    no more forever."
    Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
  • memememe Posts: 4,695
    After the first few lines, your post made me think of my friend Sara. I do not like her partner at all, never had. I was going to suggest doing what I did, which is not faking friendship for him, but trying to stay away from any judgment. HOWEVER, in her case it's just a personality issue. He is not the macroscopic dick this guy who's about to marry your friend is. I think very delicately you should tell her you think he is taking advantage of her and you don't like the way he treats her. I have had tough things said to me by friends in the past, and could clearly tell when they were told out of friendship and concern to me. Try not to make the whole dinner about that though, put it more in terms of "I saw how stressed out you are and wanted to give you an outlet to vent" :)
    ... and the will to show I will always be better than before.
  • __ Posts: 6,651
    meistereder wrote:
    As a friend, the way you have to be is honest yet supportive. In other words, make it clear that you do not like the way he is treating her because you care about her. Don't say something like "He's an asshole!" because that will only make her choose sides and in all likelihood, it would be him over you.

    It's a fine line, but if you are diplomatic about it, she'll understand you are concerned for her because your primary interest is for her happiness. And she'll thank you later, or, at least she'll know that she can come to you after the shit hits the fan, which it sounds like is inevitable. Most likely after they get married and have a kid or two.

    I agree with this.

    Diplomacy is key. I wouldn't try to convince her to not marry the guy. But I might say something like, "Are you SURE this is what you want? Have you considered whether you want to spend your life with a guy who treats you this way?" If she says yes, then it's time to be supportive of her anyway. She's a grown woman who is capable of making her own decisions in life. You're a good friend to care so much though. Hope all goes well. :)
  • catch22catch22 Posts: 1,081
    mammasan wrote:
    So one of my good friends, I have been really good friends with this woman for close to 20 years now, is getting married at the end of the month. She is like a sister to me, but I feel that she is making a huge mistake. Her fiance is a total douche bag and from the many times I have been around them both I definitely do not like the way he treats her. So she calls me about 30 minutes ago crying because she is having trouble paying for this wedding and the stress is getting to her. Her fiance lost his job, he was attending the academy to become a corrections officer and was arrested for a DUI so was booted from the academy, and is of no financial or emotional help at all. She is working a full-time job plus bartending and waiting tables 2 nights a week and every weekend in order to pay for this wedding. She wanted a small wedding, but it was his idea to have over 300 people at this event and he hasn't contributed a dime. So she is stressed to the max and to top it off the guy is going away this weekend with some friends to play golf, with her money.

    I normally tend to stay out of my friend's personal lives but I feel that I have to tell my friend how I feel. This guy is a total prick and is basically just using my friend. She is a bit over weight and does have some self esteem issues and I can just tell that this fucking cock sucker is just playing on her insecurities. I fear though that if I speak up it may ruin our friendship and I definitely don't want that to happen, but at the same time I don't want to see my friend get fucked over.

    he's got one strike on him with the dui. go out with him and get wasted. REAL wasted. like, him passing out wasted. make it like you're celebrating his good fortune and you want to get to know the guy marrying your best friend. put him behind the wheel of his car with a bag of heroin on the seat next to him.

    voila. prison. problem solved.
    and like that... he's gone.
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