Ever feel like...

HOOKER wrote:

My thread was Highjacked. Great.

I am still around. Thanks to you and the Brazillian Synchronized Team, I feel better.

Jeanie wrote:

yeah, well rocktober's out, november is getting ready for chrissy and finishing off the year and december is bedlam. By then you're looking at January and a warm bath in January or February or even March for that matter probably isn't going to be such a good idea. SOOOO looks like you'll have to keep that idea on ice till at least April next year. OOH WAIT!!! April we have a visitor that I want you to meet, so May at the earliest, ok?

please help me cause i dont think can hold on that long.
you know i was told the end of august... then new years and now ive nothing. so... :(

i know he wasnt all, but i believed he was enough, you know. and he left me empty.

Jeanie wrote:

How so?

Cate has agreed that she has and does feel like she wants to die and I am encouraging her to pick a date FAR, FAR, FAR off into the future, preferably when she's 90.

It's on topic, what's the problem?

the problem is when i told him my fondest wish he told me to do it. if thats what i wanted. no willing me to stay. no desire for me to stay. no nothing. just if iwanted to do it then i should do it. can you imagine how that made me feel. when the one person who held my heart in his hand told me if thats what i wanted then i should kill myself.

catefrances wrote:

please help me cause i dont think can hold on that long.
you know i was told the end of august... then new years and now ive nothing. so... :(

i know he wasnt all, but i believed he was enough, you know. and he left me empty.

Yeah, I know and there's not a bloody thing I can do about it love as you know, other than to repeat all the usual, useless platitudes but there was this time not so long ago when if I could have found the perfect way to die I would have and someone told me that I had to hold on, that time would pass, that the pain would dissipate, that I wouldn't lose my mind. If I remember correctly I told them they were a fucking idiot or something equally terse, but they kept coming back with this time bullshit. I hate when you're right cate and I have to tell you so and I bet you hate when I remind you of the things, the very important and smart things that you tell me. BUT you are holding on till at least May cate. Even if I have to annoy the bejesus out of you ever single day till the time passes. Just like you did for me.

catefrances wrote:

the problem is when i told him my fondest wish he told me to do it. if thats what i wanted. no willing me to stay. no desire for me to stay. no nothing. just if iwanted to do it then i should do it. can you imagine how that made me feel. when the one person who held my heart in his hand told me if thats what i wanted then i should kill myself.

Yeah, and hate to spew another of yours back at you sweetie but he's a fucking tool! :mad: Don't get me started on what I'd like to do to the selfish sob.
He's wrong, in your heart of hearts and in your head you know he's wrong. Selfish, self absorbed and so very, very wrong. This isn't worthy of you cate. He wasn't worthy of you cate.

Jeanie wrote:

Yeah, and hate to spew another of yours back at you sweetie but he's a fucking tool! :mad: Don't get me started on what I'd like to do to the selfish sob.
He's wrong, in your heart of hearts and in your head you know he's wrong. Selfish, self absorbed and so very, very wrong. This isn't worthy of you cate. He wasn't worthy of you cate.

no. dont do this please. this is difficult enough. i know hes wrong but he feels it isnt. and tis his decision. theres nothing i can do about it. i gave him all my strength and yet twas not enough for him to give himself to me. to give me nothing but negativity. i want him to be well, otherwise all the strength i gave him amounts to nothing. and you know if i believed that, it would truly kill me.

catefrances wrote:

and if i did you wouldnt even notice.

I would notice. I notice when you're not on for a few days and I wonder where you are and how you're doing. I don't know you well, but the pieces that you've shared of yourself I like very much. I know it doesn't mean much...but I definitely would notice.

HOOKER wrote:

WOULD YOU KILL ME?

Feeling like killing people and actually killing them are two very different things. I don't like people and people don't like me, however, for you HOOKER, I'd be on my best behaviour.

catefrances wrote:

elana, thank you.
i wish i had the strength to leave. the only reason i am still here is i couldnt do that to my children. the thought that one of them would find me repulses me. and that thought tears me apart.

I know they are your life...I love the way you talk about them. It's obvious they are the light of your life. I know it's probably taking a whole lot of strength to hold on. I really hope that you can keep doing it...and that eventually it feels like less of a struggle. You just gotta find ONE reason every day. Just one. You touch people and give them strength when you don't even realize it. I hope someone does the same for you.