scent of a woman

13

Comments

  • anOmis
    anOmis Posts: 223
    _new one_


    Halfway.

    As the sun lays itself down to sleep

    A silver bird wanders in the sky

    Above the ocean

    Inside a dream

    Affection of the lone traveler & dark storyteller.
    ~~dont mind yer make up, just make up yer mind~~

    ~~its better to be hated for who you are than be loved for who you are not~~

    F.ZAPPA
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    This makes me want to know a little more about the lone traveller and dark storyteller, seeing as this character is just introduced: what begins as a poem in the symbolist mode suggests the possibility of the external landscape of the early lines seguing into a deeper investigation of this person's consciousness. Maybe a couple more lines?

    Otherwise, I really liked it!
    :)
  • anOmis
    anOmis Posts: 223
    She stands alone now
    a face
    pale and sullen
    turned away from
    the sun

    she walks below
    a stranger gaze
    on a shadowed road
    leading to oblivion
    from out my heart
    she vanished
    in silent screams

    & wrapped herself
    in sorrow's lament...


    she is...


    i.
    ~~dont mind yer make up, just make up yer mind~~

    ~~its better to be hated for who you are than be loved for who you are not~~

    F.ZAPPA
  • EvilToasterElf
    EvilToasterElf Posts: 1,119
    I don't know if you remember the conversations we had a while ago but I think the advice that some of my favorite poets have given me is merited here as well, honesty is very powerful, but truth and directness are more powerful.

    You have a great control of language, but your abstractions are a little distracting from a lot of your poems. If I could show you a chronology of my stuff you would see the exact same tendencies in a lot of my earlier stuff, we try as young or less experienced (not to say I don't fit either of these catagories) to want to capture these huge ideas of love and beauty and try to use these grandiose sentiments like "sorrow's lament" but soon you realize that the smallest details crafted into the piece can say so much more than the abstractions we think encompass the some of all human feeling. I tried to write directly to the future, to penetrate this stagnant present to a time when I'm long gone and people would speak my name with admiration, but it doesn't work. Even if you're not in the same mindset I think that if you sat down and read some of the great contemporary poets right now that your work can transform in a matter of months to something you hadn't even dreamed of.

    Keep em Comin-
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    Originally posted by EvilToasterElf
    I don't know if you remember the conversations we had a while ago but I think the advice that some of my favorite poets have given me is merited here as well, honesty is very powerful, but truth and directness are more powerful.

    You have a great control of language, but your abstractions are a little distracting from a lot of your poems. If I could show you a chronology of my stuff you would see the exact same tendencies in a lot of my earlier stuff, we try as young or less experienced (not to say I don't fit either of these catagories) to want to capture these huge ideas of love and beauty and try to use these grandiose sentiments like "sorrow's lament" but soon you realize that the smallest details crafted into the piece can say so much more than the abstractions we think encompass the some of all human feeling. I tried to write directly to the future, to penetrate this stagnant present to a time when I'm long gone and people would speak my name with admiration, but it doesn't work. Even if you're not in the same mindset I think that if you sat down and read some of the great contemporary poets right now that your work can transform in a matter of months to something you hadn't even dreamed of.

    Keep em Comin-

    Yes, an image can convey the most abstract of ideas. Yet, and this is to AnOmis here, I love the imagery and symbolism that you use. A poem entirely of such images would be a very diaphanous, shining and infinitely faceted mindjewel indeed.

    :)
  • anOmis
    anOmis Posts: 223
    im spending my time
    sunken into my memories
    bulding my own glassy wall
    coz this world is just too small
    to understand my needs


    flowers get wilted
    under the black old sun
    no dreams to build
    and no hope to come

    with the scream of an inscect
    and the soul of a climbin plant
    im just spendin my days
    waitin for the turn of time
    ~~dont mind yer make up, just make up yer mind~~

    ~~its better to be hated for who you are than be loved for who you are not~~

    F.ZAPPA
  • Being Enlightened
    Being Enlightened Posts: 5,746
    Originally posted by anOmis
    She stands alone now
    a face
    pale and sullen
    turned away from
    the sun

    she walks below
    a stranger gaze
    on a shadowed road
    leading to oblivion
    from out my heart
    she vanished
    in silent screams

    & wrapped herself
    in sorrow's lament...


    she is...


    i.

    Gosh, I love this one! You write beautifully anOmis! :)

    Sorry I hadn't made the time to say so sooner! :)
    Forget your perfect offering, there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in. - Leonard Cohen
  • anOmis
    anOmis Posts: 223
    we stood there for hours
    reaching the end
    cioz its always near...
    BUT we were so happy that morning..

    First the leaves and the flowers shone
    and then the sun
    a huge sun all bright lines but so very high in the heavens.
    the abyss was a closed well

    And then clouds rain and the damp earth;
    you stopped laughing when you reclined in the hut,
    and opened your large eyes and gazed
    on the archangel wielding a fiery sword

    and i remember you smiling like a child ..
    and saying whitin yer lips
    "i cannot explain it, i find it difficult to understand
    people..how ever much they seem to play with colours
    they all stay black"
    ~~dont mind yer make up, just make up yer mind~~

    ~~its better to be hated for who you are than be loved for who you are not~~

    F.ZAPPA
  • anOmis
    anOmis Posts: 223
    L'angelo nero tornato a bussare alla mia porta
    entrato senza che me ne accorgessi
    Nel silenzio assoluto dei suoi passi inesistenti
    avvolgendomi con il suo manto
    fatto di fumo e di tenebra.
    Muta creatura della notte pi' buia
    mi ha presa senza che un lamento
    venisse fuori dalle mie labbra gelide
    bianche come la cera
    Sono anch'io una creatura della notte
    una sorta i vampiro
    assetato di vita.
    Voglio solo fuggire via, nell'oscurita,
    spiegare le mie ali di pipistrello
    e volare lontano, nella notte che amo
    verso il mio oscuro e maligno sposo
    e nel suo abbraccio mortale
    poter riposare;
    per sempre
    ~~dont mind yer make up, just make up yer mind~~

    ~~its better to be hated for who you are than be loved for who you are not~~

    F.ZAPPA
  • Nothingbetter
    Nothingbetter Wichita, KS Posts: 570
    You are very talented. Awesome stuff!
    Kansas City 6/12/03 ** Kissimmee 10/9/04 ** Atlantic City 10/1/05 ** Denver 7/2/06 ** Denver 7/3/06 ** Chicago 8/23/09 ** Chicago 8/24/09 ** Kansas City 5/3/10 ** Dallas 11/15/13 ** Oklahoma City 11/16/13 ** St. Louis 10/3/14 ** Tulsa 10/8/14 ** Chicago - Wrigley Field 8/20/16 ** Chicago - Wrigley Field 8/22/16 ** Oklahoma City 9/20/22 ** Ft. Worth 9/15/23 ** Atlanta N2 5/1/25

    EV - St. Louis 7/1/11 ** Tulsa 11/19/12
  • EvilToasterElf
    EvilToasterElf Posts: 1,119
    My second language is drunk, and my third language is jibberish, I so if you got any in either of those I'll gladly read them
  • anOmis
    anOmis Posts: 223
    With hands tied
    & bitter voice
    I pray for rain
    to fall down
    & erase the name
    stealthily written
    in the pale sand
    inside of my heart

    The rain
    falls...

    The name
    fades...


    The pain

    remains
    ~~dont mind yer make up, just make up yer mind~~

    ~~its better to be hated for who you are than be loved for who you are not~~

    F.ZAPPA
  • Aphrodite
    Aphrodite Posts: 71
    She stands alone now
    a face
    pale and sullen
    turned away from
    the sun

    she walks below
    a stranger gaze
    on a shadowed road
    leading to oblivion
    from out my heart
    she vanished
    in silent screams

    & wrapped herself
    in sorrow's lament...


    she is...

    I love it!!!!!
    Throughout the course of our lives,we will meet many great people. Friends, family, strangers who somehow cross your path and enemies; they all have something to teach you. Some will leave deep footprints and others will not. Just be sure to wipe your feet before you step into someone's heart.
  • Buru
    Buru Posts: 8,473
    Originally posted by anOmis
    _new one_


    Halfway.

    As the sun lays itself down to sleep

    A silver bird wanders in the sky

    Above the ocean

    Inside a dream

    Affection of the lone traveler & dark storyteller.

    very tempting beginning
    as Finsbury, I want to know more about this traveller....
    y la banda de Guille... cuando toca?
  • Quakey
    Quakey Posts: 3
    Originally posted by anOmis
    With hands tied
    & bitter voice
    I pray for rain
    to fall down
    & erase the name
    stealthily written
    in the pale sand
    inside of my heart

    The rain
    falls...

    The name
    fades...


    The pain

    remains

    and u told me u wouldnt write nemore poems... im glad u still r writing.. yer very very good!
    NeVeR tRuSt YoUr HeArT wHeN iTs OwNeD bY a LiAr
  • anOmis
    anOmis Posts: 223
    midget..loves u!
    ~~dont mind yer make up, just make up yer mind~~

    ~~its better to be hated for who you are than be loved for who you are not~~

    F.ZAPPA
  • anOmis
    anOmis Posts: 223
    As
    a landless
    caravan
    that passes
    the desert
    at night
    You
    by moonlight
    so silently
    enter
    my sight
    & washed
    my soul
    in the Dirt
    of your Love
    ~~dont mind yer make up, just make up yer mind~~

    ~~its better to be hated for who you are than be loved for who you are not~~

    F.ZAPPA
  • DopeBeastie
    DopeBeastie Posts: 2,513
    Originally posted by anOmis
    THE GAME
    I wake up in the morning
    early inthe morning i wake up and rise
    my love woke me up in the middle of the night
    and came to me with the first shades of light

    inside my mind the game lives
    and fills my eyes with pain
    in unspoken words, deep in my heart
    where the sadness lie stagnant like rain

    inside my mind the game lives

    oh wow... thanks anOmis... thanks for sharing :D
  • anOmis
    anOmis Posts: 223
    i fear my life no longer
    the silent scent of death
    i dream of stars and moons in the haven of my heart

    My twin hopes have set my fear sailing in anonymity
    Unless it is yer broken promise which chaeses me again
    as I walked by the sea of immortality in tears and butterflies
    coz i fear my life no longer

    feel me changing...
    ~~dont mind yer make up, just make up yer mind~~

    ~~its better to be hated for who you are than be loved for who you are not~~

    F.ZAPPA
  • FinsburyParkCarrots
    FinsburyParkCarrots Seattle, WA Posts: 12,223
    Originally posted by anOmis
    i fear my life no longer
    the silent scent of death
    i dream of stars and moons in the haven of my heart

    My twin hopes have set my fear sailing in anonymity
    Unless it is yer broken promise which chaeses me again
    as I walked by the sea of immortality in tears and butterflies
    coz i fear my life no longer

    feel me changing...

    ... changing beautifully.

    :)

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