At what point can I call out my best friend?

CHANGEinWAVES

I'm an avid believer of speak your mind... That's why he likes you, for your opinions..not to be a yes man. I don't think I'd say 'idiot' to him, but let him know you don't support his decision, though you support him...and yes you can do both.
My best friend knew when I didn't like men she was dating, but she knew I was there for her no matter what.

Drowned Out

You wish she was yours, don't you? Tell the truth.
Maybe you secretly want her, that's why it's bothering you so much...and your friend can sense it so he doesn't even want to discuss it with you? possible?

LikeAnOcean

soulsinging wrote:

LikeAnOcean wrote:

He is totally being immature about this. When I asked him if he wanted to talk about it the first time, he said "Who are you, Dr. Phil."

He's right.

But being his best friend and a very good friend of hers its different. It like having one best friend stop talking to another best friend and not telling you why.

soulsinging

LikeAnOcean wrote:

soulsinging wrote:

LikeAnOcean wrote:

He is totally being immature about this. When I asked him if he wanted to talk about it the first time, he said "Who are you, Dr. Phil."

He's right.

But being his best friend and a very good friend of hers its different. It like having one best friend stop talking to another best friend and not telling you why.

I've had that happen. So what? It's between them. Doesn't mean you have to go all talk show host and inject yourself into the middle of their situation. You don't have any "right" to an explanation. You're not the one he dumped. And you've said you know his reasons already, you just don't approve. Too bad.

milarso

soulsinging wrote:

I've had that happen. So what? It's between them. Doesn't mean you have to go all talk show host and inject yourself into the middle of their situation. You don't have any "right" to an explanation. You're not the one he dumped. And you've said you know his reasons already, you just don't approve. Too bad.

Agreed. This is one of those times when it sucks to be a friend. When he wants your opinion, he's going to ask you for it. In a situation like this, if you start giving it to him when he doesn't want it, it could damage your relationship with him. Just my two cents.

_

LikeAnOcean wrote:

scb wrote:

I say call him on it. Friends are supposed to provide perspective, not just be yes men. You should be able to count on your friends to be brutally honest with you (albeit in the nicest possible way).

But - once he's aware of your perspective I think you do have to respect his decision. Besides, in the end this could be the best thing that ever happened to his ex-girlfriend. Who needs a guy like that anyway?

No he's a GREAT guy. I can't think of anyone better. If not he wouldn't be my best friend. Just completely immature when it comes to relationships and showing effection.

I didn't mean to suggest that he's not a great guy/friend... just that he's apparently not a great boyfriend if he's immature when it comes to relationships. And from what you've said it sounds like she deserves a great boyfriend. Immature boyfriends don't just wake up one day suddenly mature, and it sucks to learn that the hard way by dragging out a relationship hoping that will happen.

JordyWordy

i had almost the exact same thing happen to me about 8 months ago.

2 of my friends from college were going out for 3 & bit years.... the guy told me he was thinking about breaking up with the girl about 2 months before he did it. (He broke up with her few weeks after we finished college). However: he came and asked me for my opinion at the time - we were very open about asking for each others opinions on a lot of things - but we respect the fact that often, we just take completety sides of the issue. He took what i said on board. I thought he was breaking up with her cos he didnt want to end up married in a few years wondering where his youth went, and i knew he'd regret it. He agreed with that, but it had been bothering him for a long time and he didnt see it as a reason to not break up.

8 months on and he's definitely not over her. simply put, she had him on a leash, he wimped out on a lot of things when going out with her, so in a way, he has his independence, manhood, ego or whatever back.

on the other hand, he had a VERY bad first few months. We'd hung out couple of days a week for 4 years in college, but he didnt talk to me for about 3months because I still saw her after they broke up. He told me he'd moved out of Dublin (in fact he hadnt), and lied about things id done to mutual friends of ours. He was unhappy, and I was the one he took it out on. I was offended obviously, and the other lads&girls were fairly shocked at (1) what he'd done and (2) i started talking to him again when he finally did get in touch with me. but we're still friends. He did what he had to do to deal with it, and i wasnt gona ditch him just cos he was feeling down & out.

Now he's a lot better, but he still refuses to talk about/to her, or show up to anything she's at (shit cos they have so many mutual friends).....its hard & sad to see it. Especially when you try to help and all you get is a big "Fuck You" in return. I dont think he'll ever openly admit to me the shit he did & said about me behind my back, but im his friend and i really dont care because he sorted himself out and returned to being a happy, productive person again. He apologised for not seeing me for so long, that was his way of saying sorry for the lot, and we're cool.

Point is, even though he asked for my opinion before he did, when he did, and afterwards....he's still stuck to his guns. The girl is still fairly miserable too. But maybe theyre not meant to be, who knows?

PS: He brought up the break-up with me. I got involved because he came to me (he never discussed it with any other college friends). I didnt talk to the girl about the break-up. I dont think its your place to go fishing for answers on her behalf. She should go get them. My point is that, even if he brings it up willingly, its a delicate situation and could make it worse.

Heineken Helen

scb wrote:

I say call him on it. Friends are supposed to provide perspective, not just be yes men. You should be able to count on your friends to be brutally honest with you (albeit in the nicest possible way).

But - once he's aware of your perspective I think you do have to respect his decision. Besides, in the end this could be the best thing that ever happened to his ex-girlfriend. Who needs a guy like that anyway?

normally I'd agree and say call him on it... but it's obviously a touchy subject for him right now and could end up with him exploding and going nuts on his best friend... so I'd say no, don't.

Also, you've only heard HER side of things... how do you know there isn't more? And perhaps it's not her with the issues, it could be him... there may be something you don't know about so tread carefully.

Heineken Helen

LikeAnOcean wrote:

SPEEDY MCCREADY wrote:

stay out of it.....period!!!

his relationship issues/problems....

are his problems....

not yours....

But they are my problems if I'm going to stay good friends with his ex. All I ask of him is a reason. If he can't tell me then I can't respect his decision.

with all due respect, it's not about you. If she wants answers, she's going to have to get them herself. It sounds like you feel you're entitled to know what went on... which most of us MAY feel... but really, you're not entitled to know... best friend or not, it was his relationship and he doesn't have to talk to you. Especially cos it sounds you're all on her side and it also sounds like he's having trouble dealing with it too and could use a friend.

I think most of us have had friends who made a 'wonderful couple' and then broke up... and it can affect US too.. almost like your parents splitting up :oops: ya just wanna lock both of them in a room and say 'you're not getting out til you're back together' but, if they're not happy and they make the choice to split really it's nothing to with us... you can choose to be there for one or both of them but nothing you say can REALLY change the situation cos they'll still do what they want and all you do is risk losing either of them as a friend.

ZiggyStar

Heineken Helen wrote:

LikeAnOcean wrote:

SPEEDY MCCREADY wrote:

stay out of it.....period!!!

his relationship issues/problems....

are his problems....

not yours....

But they are my problems if I'm going to stay good friends with his ex. All I ask of him is a reason. If he can't tell me then I can't respect his decision.

with all due respect, it's not about you. If she wants answers, she's going to have to get them herself. It sounds like you feel you're entitled to know what went on... which most of us MAY feel... but really, you're not entitled to know... best friend or not, it was his relationship and he doesn't have to talk to you. Especially cos it sounds you're all on her side and it also sounds like he's having trouble dealing with it too and could use a friend.

I think most of us have had friends who made a 'wonderful couple' and then broke up... and it can affect US too.. almost like your parents splitting up :oops: ya just wanna lock both of them in a room and say 'you're not getting out til you're back together' but, if they're not happy and they make the choice to split really it's nothing to with us... you can choose to be there for one or both of them but nothing you say can REALLY change the situation cos they'll still do what they want and all you do is risk losing either of them as a friend.

That was VERY well said....and I agree.

It's not about you...and no matter how much you WANT it to be, it's not...and just because YOU like them both and you can see that they're SHOULD be together, they CAN'T....and you've just got to roll with it.

blackredyellow

Drowned Out wrote:

You wish she was yours, don't you? Tell the truth.
Maybe you secretly want her, that's why it's bothering you so much...and your friend can sense it so he doesn't even want to discuss it with you? possible?

I think that is part of it...

A couple of other points that I thought of when reading your post (the OP):

1) As a friend, you are absolutely in your right to call him out for being a jackass... If I did something stupid, I would hope my best friend tells me that I did.

2) After telling him that he is an immature jackass, DROP IT... You said your piece, now move on... Don't become a nag about it... Because,

3) ...he can date whoever he wants or go out or break up with a girl for whatever reason... it's his relationship, and doesn't have to explain himself to you. I have a fiend who always get into bad relationships, but those are the kind of girls that he is attracted to, so that's his problem.

4) And finally, this girl is telling you her side but he isn't saying a word about it... chances are there is more to the story than what she is telling you... Like most relationships, there are three sides.... her side, his side and the truth.

Heineken Helen

ZiggyStar wrote:

That was VERY well said....and I agree.

It's not about you...and no matter how much you WANT it to be, it's not...and just because YOU like them both and you can see that they're SHOULD be together, they CAN'T....and you've just got to roll with it.

Yep, if you want his side... want it because you want to help him... not cos you want to know or cos you want to let her know or whatever.

Maybe just say 'I know you're going through a tough time and I really wish you'd talk to me, but if you don't want to, just know that I'm going to be here for you too. I don't want you to feel like I'm taking her side cos you're my best friend and I love ya and I just don't want you to be making a big mistake... now let's get drunk'

THAT would work for me.

soulsinging

Heineken Helen wrote:

ZiggyStar wrote:

That was VERY well said....and I agree.

It's not about you...and no matter how much you WANT it to be, it's not...and just because YOU like them both and you can see that they're SHOULD be together, they CAN'T....and you've just got to roll with it.

Yep, if you want his side... want it because you want to help him... not cos you want to know or cos you want to let her know or whatever.

Maybe just say 'I know you're going through a tough time and I really wish you'd talk to me, but if you don't want to, just know that I'm going to be here for you too. I don't want you to feel like I'm taking her side cos you're my best friend and I love ya and I just don't want you to be making a big mistake... now let's get drunk'

THAT would work for me.

...or if you're Harvey Milk and you're hoping your buddy will give you a quick reach around

If a guy friend ever said anything like that to me, I'd assume the reason he wants to know is he's hoping I'll tell him I broke it off because I'm gay and secretly want him.

JordyWordy

...."I know you're going through a tough time and I really wish you'd talk to me, but if you don't want to, just know that I'm going to be here for you too."....

That right there, that's the exact sentence where I'd think he's hitting on me.

DeLukin

Let them both know how you feel... then stay out of it. Nothing will ruin friendships faster than getting in the middle of that sort of thing.

Heineken Helen

JordyWordy wrote:

...."I know you're going through a tough time and I really wish you'd talk to me, but if you don't want to, just know that I'm going to be here for you too."....

That right there, that's the exact sentence where I'd think he's hitting on me.

You're forgetting... these guys are American sorry op.

Brain of J.Lo

It sounds like you're already more involved than you should be. Ultimately, though, it is between the two of them. Be supportive of each of them, but it isn't your place to try to influence their feelings one way or the other.

It just doesn't matter if you think your friend's reasons for wanting out are valid or not. Keep in mind that he may have reasons beyond what he has told you. Maybe he just wants to be on his own, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Let him move on if that's what he wants.

soulsinging

Heineken Helen wrote:

JordyWordy wrote:

...."I know you're going through a tough time and I really wish you'd talk to me, but if you don't want to, just know that I'm going to be here for you too."....

That right there, that's the exact sentence where I'd think he's hitting on me.

You're forgetting... these guys are American sorry op.

Exactly, we're American. Guys don't say fruity shit like that to each other here.

mfc2006

i would stay out of it unless they asked your opinion. period. and if they do ask your opinion, tread lightly b/c you're friends with both of them. if you open your mouth, it could get messy fast & you could offend/alienate one or both of them.

if it were me & they asked my opinion, i would stay out of it & say that "that's between you two & none of my business."

Heineken Helen

soulsinging wrote:

Exactly, we're American. Guys don't say fruity shit like that to each other here.

Lol, ok... maybe my suggestion was SLIGHTLY gay but I really meant the op could translate that into manspeak and take it from there something like 'so this bitch fucked you up... cmon dude... let's go to the bar and get you laid' or whatever it is men prefer to say in situations like this