At what point can I call out my best friend?
LikeAnOcean
Posts: 7,718
Here's the story. My best friend dumped his girlfriend a month ago after a 3 year relationship.
I've been best friends with him since we were 9, 21 years ago.
We work together. I hang out with him as much as three nights a week.
I am good friends with the woman he dumped. She is an awesome girl, and I think he's an idiot for doing so. She has some domestic problems that I think can be worked around, but he is just not man enough to face.
This girl loves him more than I've ever seen anybody love someone in my life. She loves everything about him. She has a been a complete mess for the past month.
My friend will not talk to me about it and I find that insulting. We drink together almost ever night, and when I try to bring it up he drops it.
At what point can I call him an idiot?
I know he needs to do what he thinks is right or wants, but I still think he's being rediculas, because he has a hard time showing emotion or facing not so perfect situations.
I've been dealing with his ex for the past few weeks and keeping my cool with him, but I really want to call him out and smack him in the face. I know he really values my opinions of him.. This is driving me crazy!
I wish he'd give her one more chance!
Is there anything I can say to him?
I've been best friends with him since we were 9, 21 years ago.
We work together. I hang out with him as much as three nights a week.
I am good friends with the woman he dumped. She is an awesome girl, and I think he's an idiot for doing so. She has some domestic problems that I think can be worked around, but he is just not man enough to face.
This girl loves him more than I've ever seen anybody love someone in my life. She loves everything about him. She has a been a complete mess for the past month.
My friend will not talk to me about it and I find that insulting. We drink together almost ever night, and when I try to bring it up he drops it.
At what point can I call him an idiot?
I know he needs to do what he thinks is right or wants, but I still think he's being rediculas, because he has a hard time showing emotion or facing not so perfect situations.
I've been dealing with his ex for the past few weeks and keeping my cool with him, but I really want to call him out and smack him in the face. I know he really values my opinions of him.. This is driving me crazy!
I wish he'd give her one more chance!
Is there anything I can say to him?
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I don't buy that. If he decided to start shooting heroin, I would kick his ass.
I know this is different, but I would kill to find a girl who would love me half as much as she loves him. He's being a pussy because he can't deal with some of her domestic issues. He was raised in a perfect family, that never had problems and if they did, pretended they weren't there. Her problems are normal problems. This guy values drinking alcohol and ignoring social problems over embracing true love, I can't agree with him on this.
you're friend sounds immature....does she realize this? takes more than being a "great guy" to be a partner in a relationship
The thing that makes this situation difficult is the obvious conflict you have seeing as you are good friends with his ex. That makes things tough for you and I am sure that if his ex was someone you were not friends with, you would think very differently of this situation and of your friend's decision.
It is troubling that your friend won't even discuss the breakup with you though. And I imagine that the reason for that is that he knows you are friends with the ex and he knows that you don't support the decision. That has to make it very tough on him and perhaps he is refusing to discuss the situation because the last thing he needs in his life right now is to be fighting with his best friend.
well tell him to grow the fuck up....what are you guys, 30?? it's big boy time
and if she doesn't see his immaturity she could be in for a shitty relationship
But - once he's aware of your perspective I think you do have to respect his decision. Besides, in the end this could be the best thing that ever happened to his ex-girlfriend. Who needs a guy like that anyway?
his relationship issues/problems....
are his problems....
not yours....
Till there aint nothing left worth taking away from me.....
What he said.
that's what i'd do
but since he's asking for advice i'm going to spread my horseshit where ever i can
It's none of your business. If you're getting drunk together and he mentions her, you can tell him you think he's a fool for ditching her, but other than that it's not your call to make.
Shooting heroin is vastly different from breaking up with a girl, and "domestic issues" are a perfectly legit reason to split up. I don't even know what the fuck that means. Is she a slob?
He's right.
I've told many people how things would play out, but they never listen and sure enough it plays out like I think it would.
And you know what? I did the same thing myself when people would try and tell me how things are/were going to be. I would say 'yeah, well that isn't going to happen to me, this situation is different.' No, no it wasn't, and I had to learn the hard way that I was just being foolish and lying to myself.
So like I said, go ahead and tell him what you think, but he isn't going to listen. And hell in a couple years you can look back and say I told you so.
My best friend knew when I didn't like men she was dating, but she knew I was there for her no matter what.
Maybe you secretly want her, that's why it's bothering you so much...and your friend can sense it so he doesn't even want to discuss it with you? possible?
I've had that happen. So what? It's between them. Doesn't mean you have to go all talk show host and inject yourself into the middle of their situation. You don't have any "right" to an explanation. You're not the one he dumped. And you've said you know his reasons already, you just don't approve. Too bad.
Agreed. This is one of those times when it sucks to be a friend. When he wants your opinion, he's going to ask you for it. In a situation like this, if you start giving it to him when he doesn't want it, it could damage your relationship with him. Just my two cents.
I didn't mean to suggest that he's not a great guy/friend... just that he's apparently not a great boyfriend if he's immature when it comes to relationships. And from what you've said it sounds like she deserves a great boyfriend. Immature boyfriends don't just wake up one day suddenly mature, and it sucks to learn that the hard way by dragging out a relationship hoping that will happen.
2 of my friends from college were going out for 3 & bit years.... the guy told me he was thinking about breaking up with the girl about 2 months before he did it. (He broke up with her few weeks after we finished college). However: he came and asked me for my opinion at the time - we were very open about asking for each others opinions on a lot of things - but we respect the fact that often, we just take completety sides of the issue. He took what i said on board. I thought he was breaking up with her cos he didnt want to end up married in a few years wondering where his youth went, and i knew he'd regret it. He agreed with that, but it had been bothering him for a long time and he didnt see it as a reason to not break up.
8 months on and he's definitely not over her. simply put, she had him on a leash, he wimped out on a lot of things when going out with her, so in a way, he has his independence, manhood, ego or whatever back.
on the other hand, he had a VERY bad first few months. We'd hung out couple of days a week for 4 years in college, but he didnt talk to me for about 3months because I still saw her after they broke up. He told me he'd moved out of Dublin (in fact he hadnt), and lied about things id done to mutual friends of ours. He was unhappy, and I was the one he took it out on. I was offended obviously, and the other lads&girls were fairly shocked at (1) what he'd done and (2) i started talking to him again when he finally did get in touch with me. but we're still friends. He did what he had to do to deal with it, and i wasnt gona ditch him just cos he was feeling down & out.
Now he's a lot better, but he still refuses to talk about/to her, or show up to anything she's at (shit cos they have so many mutual friends).....its hard & sad to see it. Especially when you try to help and all you get is a big "Fuck You" in return. I dont think he'll ever openly admit to me the shit he did & said about me behind my back, but im his friend and i really dont care because he sorted himself out and returned to being a happy, productive person again. He apologised for not seeing me for so long, that was his way of saying sorry for the lot, and we're cool.
Point is, even though he asked for my opinion before he did, when he did, and afterwards....he's still stuck to his guns. The girl is still fairly miserable too. But maybe theyre not meant to be, who knows?
PS: He brought up the break-up with me. I got involved because he came to me (he never discussed it with any other college friends). I didnt talk to the girl about the break-up. I dont think its your place to go fishing for answers on her behalf. She should go get them. My point is that, even if he brings it up willingly, its a delicate situation and could make it worse.
Also, you've only heard HER side of things... how do you know there isn't more? And perhaps it's not her with the issues, it could be him... there may be something you don't know about so tread carefully.
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
I think most of us have had friends who made a 'wonderful couple' and then broke up... and it can affect US too.. almost like your parents splitting up :oops: ya just wanna lock both of them in a room and say 'you're not getting out til you're back together' but, if they're not happy and they make the choice to split really it's nothing to with us... you can choose to be there for one or both of them but nothing you say can REALLY change the situation cos they'll still do what they want and all you do is risk losing either of them as a friend.
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
That was VERY well said....and I agree.
It's not about you...and no matter how much you WANT it to be, it's not...and just because YOU like them both and you can see that they're SHOULD be together, they CAN'T....and you've just got to roll with it.
★ 2009 - Sydney, Brisbane, Auckland, Christchurch ★
★ 2011 - EV Newcastle, Melbourne 1, Melbourne 2 ★