Need help

PearlJam24

.......................

JOEJOEJOE

PearlJam24 wrote:

Hi all, to make a long story short, I put my wife in a bad place for a long time and it wasn't until I almost lost her last August, that I realized I had to do a complete turnaround to keep her. Unfortunately, the damage was done and the change was too late. We are separating because she needs her space to figure things out between us. She means the world to me and sometimes it's not until you lose someone that you realize how bad of a person you were and what you need to do in the future to keep from being that jerk. I know what needs to be done in order to be that man I was supposed to be when I married her.

I plan on giving her the space she needs but want her to know that I still love her a lot. I always do nice things for her like buying flowers, leaving notes here and there. I plan on continuing that when the time is right but could use more ideas to win her heart back.

If anyone has any positive advice, please don't hesitate to help out.

I am obviously not familiar with your situation, but if I were you, I would seek counseling to help figure out why you acted as you did, and then try to fix it. Perhaps she will view that as a postivie change.

Heineken Helen

I would agree with Joe... but if she doesn't want to come back and you REALLY love her, do the right thing for HER and let her go, hard as it will be. At least you know where you went wrong, I obviously don't know your situation but since you didn't go into details it must be bad??? :oops:

tybird

counseling + actually giving her time and space=your best bet

mfc2006

tybird wrote:

counseling + actually giving her time and space=your best bet

very good advice from tybird.

also, if you feel like there is anything else that you absolutely must say before a "final" decision has been made, then say it now. put it all out there on the table. then, give her all of the space that she needs.

WildChildRose

Actions speak louder then words, so you should start showing her how you care. Also be completely honest and truthworthy..... what exactly did you do?

CJMST3K

When you say she needs her space, is she moving out, or does she still live at home?

Also, are you looking for advice that is timely for V-day, on Saturday? If so, the only thing I can think of on that front is to give her a single red rose (as not to overwhelm her, since she needs her space) and the one rose can have a note saying "I want to give you some space, but here's one rose, to remind you that I'm only hoping for one chance to make things right", or something. I dunno. Just an idea.

kevinbeetle

make her a mix tape

justam

kevinbeetle wrote:

make her a mix tape

LOL!

decides2dream

JOEJOEJOE wrote:

PearlJam24 wrote:

Hi all, to make a long story short, I put my wife in a bad place for a long time and it wasn't until I almost lost her last August, that I realized I had to do a complete turnaround to keep her. Unfortunately, the damage was done and the change was too late. We are separating because she needs her space to figure things out between us. She means the world to me and sometimes it's not until you lose someone that you realize how bad of a person you were and what you need to do in the future to keep from being that jerk. I know what needs to be done in order to be that man I was supposed to be when I married her.

I plan on giving her the space she needs but want her to know that I still love her a lot. I always do nice things for her like buying flowers, leaving notes here and there. I plan on continuing that when the time is right but could use more ideas to win her heart back.

If anyone has any positive advice, please don't hesitate to help out.

I am obviously not familiar with your situation, but if I were you, I would seek counseling to help figure out why you acted as you did, and then try to fix it. Perhaps she will view that as a postivie change.

this is EXACTLY what i was thinking while reading, and even perhpas suggesting, in time anyway, also joint counseling.


good luck!
it is not easy to come back after such occurances, but it absolutely IS possible!

CHANGEinWAVES

I wish you luck in your situation, and as I do not know exactly what happened I can only offer you what I've learned through my divorce.

You need to think to yourself why you want her back,if it is that you truly love her and will not take the same path when faced with such difficulties in the future, or are you missing the life you had with her and scared of a future starting over, or do you feel the need to prove to her, yourself and others that you are not the man that caused this pain.

You also need to think about your wife and find out if she needs her space because you have hurt her, or is it that this has forced her to see other issues that were or weren't there in your marriage.

Also, look at your marriage yourself. Why did you do what you did. Was it cause something wasn't right in your marriage...is that something that can be fixed, or was it a slip up that it happened (I don't know what happened so I can't really offer more on this) and wouldn't happen again. Usually issues reoccur in marriages and you have to ask yourself why did you do what you did. Can seeing the error of your ways change your reaction when life/love becomes humdrum again.

When something happens in a marriage there is usually other reasons for it... And sometimes its a result that possibly the 2 of you should not be together (this may not be the case with you). Also look into the quality of life you 2 would have if a reconcile would be had... And quality of love. Would you both be better people together or apart.

There is never an easy answer... But if you go into marriage therapy with honesty, truth and understanding... You could reconcile or you may see that each of you are better on your own.

Just make sure you are not being selfish in the matter (not that I think you are) if you can not offer her true love, step aside and allow her to find someone who will treat and love her the way she deserves to be treated... Also you deserve it too.

I wish you the best.

decides2dream

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

I wish you luck in your situation, and as I do not know exactly what happened I can only offer you what I've learned through my divorce.

You need to think to yourself why you want her back,if it is that you truly love her and will not take the same path when faced with such difficulties in the future, or are you missing the life you had with her and scared of a future starting over, or do you feel the need to prove to her, yourself and others that you are not the man that caused this pain.

You also need to think about your wife and find out if she needs her space because you have hurt her, or is it that this has forced her to see other issues that were or weren't there in your marriage.

Also, look at your marriage yourself. Why did you do what you did. Was it cause something wasn't right in your marriage...is that something that can be fixed, or was it a slip up that it happened (I don't know what happened so I can't really offer more on this) and wouldn't happen again. Usually issues reoccur in marriages and you have to ask yourself why did you do what you did. Can seeing the error of your ways change uour reaction when life/love becomes humdrum again.

When something happens in a marriage there is usually other reasons for it... And sometimes its a result that possibly the 2 of you should not be together (this may not be the case with you). Also look into the quality of life you 2 would have if a reconcile would be had... And quality of love. Would you both be better people together or apart.

There is never an easy answer... But if you go into marriage therapy with honesty, truth and understanding... You could reconcile or you may see that each of you are better on your own.

Just make sure you are not being selfish in the matter (not that I think you are) if you can not offer her true love, step aside and allow her to find someone who will treat and love her the way she deserves to be treated... Also you deserve it too.

I wish you the best.

what a beautiful, and so true, post!

i think just about any of us who have been in a long-term marriage, or commited relationship, and have suffered thru rocky points - who hasn't in a realtionship of any span? - these are the 'real issues' one needs to truly face. only good can come of it! and that good may well be you two back together...or you two apart...but at least you'll know you gave it your all, gave of yourself, and fully, thoughtfully worked on yourself and your relationship, eyes wide open.


sooo well said!

CHANGEinWAVES

decides2dream wrote:

what a beautiful, and so true, post!

i think just about any of us who have been in a long-term marriage, or commited relationship, and have suffered thru rocky points - who hasn't in a realtionship of any span? - these are the 'real issues' one needs to truly face. only good can come of it! and that good may well be you two back together...or you two apart...but at least you'll know you gave it your all, gave of yourself, and fully, thoughtfully worked on yourself and your relationship, eyes wide open.


sooo well said!

thanks .... it makes a difference how a years time can have you look at a situation.

decides2dream

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

decides2dream wrote:

what a beautiful, and so true, post!

i think just about any of us who have been in a long-term marriage, or commited relationship, and have suffered thru rocky points - who hasn't in a realtionship of any span? - these are the 'real issues' one needs to truly face. only good can come of it! and that good may well be you two back together...or you two apart...but at least you'll know you gave it your all, gave of yourself, and fully, thoughtfully worked on yourself and your relationship, eyes wide open.


sooo well said!

thanks .... it makes a difference how a years time can have you look at a situation.

absolutely.
i seriously don't know any long-term marriages/relationships that have not at some point hit upon fairly defining times, times of keep going or call it quits, etc....just total self-reflection. i think counseling, whether joint, individaul or any combo, is such a great investment in yourself, and in your relationship. i really cannot stress it enough. if two people are really open, open to change...whatever it may be.....it's just amazing what can occur! together or seperately...sooo worthwhile!



ps - good for you, truly! it makes me happy when people get themselves out from under, and still see the sun shining.

CHANGEinWAVES

decides2dream wrote:

absolutely.
i seriously don't know any long-term marriages/relationships that have not at some point hit upon fairly defining times, times of keep going or call it quits, etc....just total self-reflection. i think counseling, whether joint, individaul or any combo, is such a great investment in yourself, and in your relationship. i really cannot stress it enough. if two people are really open, open to change...whatever it may be.....it's just amazing what can occur! together or seperately...sooo worthwhile!



ps - good for you, truly! it makes me happy when people get themselves out from under, and still see the sun shining.

I have no hard feeling from the demise of my marriage, except that he couldn't admit that he didn't love me for so long. That's time when I could of been moving on, instead of trapped in a marriage where he was "trying" to love me. I better stop now before I become cynical :roll:

redrock

Isn't crazy that you have to lose (or nearly lose) what you hold dearest before you realise how much you do love this person? With hindsight everything would be so easy.

Coming to realise your shortfalls and how your actions (I'm just making assumptions here) impacted your relationship and hurt your wife is a HUGE step. Lots of damage seems to have been done, but nothing says this is terminal.

As others suggested, counselling seems to be a must. You may have realised you have been wrong, but you need to understand what happened to you during that time. Nothing worse than falling into the same kind of behaviour again.

Space is what your wife needs, and you are giving this. You are already letting her know you love her and that you are sorry. I would have thought letting her know you are getting counselling (should you choose to do so) would be something very positive in her eyes (I know it would be in mine!), it shows commitment to getting better.

It's going to be a long and tough road as trust and everything needs to be regained. But this road is not impossible. I wish you all the best with this.

PS.... the single red rose is so cliché (unless she REALLY likes this). If you do wish to make such a gesture, think of something very personal (someone mentioned a mixed tape - may not be the right thing but it goes along the line of thought of something personal).

justam

PearlJam24 wrote:

Hi all, to make a long story short, I put my wife in a bad place for a long time and it wasn't until I almost lost her last August, that I realized I had to do a complete turnaround to keep her. Unfortunately, the damage was done and the change was too late. We are separating because she needs her space to figure things out between us. She means the world to me and sometimes it's not until you lose someone that you realize how bad of a person you were and what you need to do in the future to keep from being that jerk. I know what needs to be done in order to be that man I was supposed to be when I married her.

I plan on giving her the space she needs but want her to know that I still love her a lot. I always do nice things for her like buying flowers, leaving notes here and there. I plan on continuing that when the time is right but could use more ideas to win her heart back.

If anyone has any positive advice, please don't hesitate to help out.

I'm sorry to be blunt but, how do we know it's in her best interest to take you back? It sounds like you messed up pretty badly.

The best way to take care of the problem is to change the behaviors that led to her leaving. If you just try to get her back with grand gestures but don't fundamentally change, you'll only be using up more of her time and she'll end up leaving again later.

AmentsChick

kevinbeetle wrote:

make her a mix tape

That'd work for me.

CHANGEinWAVES

justam wrote:

I'm sorry to be blunt but, how do we know it's in her best interest to take you back?
.... you'll only be using up more of her time and she'll end up leaving again later.

i second this.

decides2dream

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

justam wrote:

I'm sorry to be blunt but, how do we know it's in her best interest to take you back?
.... you'll only be using up more of her time and she'll end up leaving again later.

i second this.

i think you omitted the most important detail of justam's post, personally. IF he does not fundamentally change...but perhaps he will? we have no idea what the offense(s) were...we don't know if it's in her best interest, or even in hers...all we can do is offer suggestions and support.

CHANGEinWAVES

decides2dream wrote:

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

justam wrote:

I'm sorry to be blunt but, how do we know it's in her best interest to take you back?
.... you'll only be using up more of her time and she'll end up leaving again later.

i second this.

i think you omitted the most important detail of justam's post, personally. IF he does not fundamentally change...but perhaps he will? we have no idea what the offense(s) were...we don't know if it's in her best interest, or even in hers...all we can do is offer suggestions and support.

I omitted it, because I had stated a similar thing previously. And since the using of time was what hit home for me I felt the need to stress it. Time is something we can never get back... and for me there was more hurt and pain involved in the 'using' of my time, than the using of my love. Yep... I agree we can only offer suggestions and support... Which I had already done. These particular words spoke more to me having gone through it than anything.

Anyone can 'feel' that they've changed, or that they've worked on changing... But when throwing yourself back into the motions is when it shows. Honestly he needs to think about whether that is worth 'using' both of their time. We don't know what he did so I don't want to speculate that it would be a waste of time, but like all of us have said... He has a lot of thinking to do.

Oh and I always hope for the marriage to work... My parents have been together for 46 years (married 40 of those years). My mom was 14 when they met...and they still act like love birds. I want what they have and I wish it for everyone else too. Unfortunately, I've seen and felt the other side of the spectrum as well... But knowing now all that I've been through I can see that we all deserve real and true love and if one can not offer that to another it's doing that other person a great disservice to keep them from finding what that feels like.


I hope this made sense... It's late and I've had 2 glasses of wine

decides2dream

i understand, but the poiunt still stands. to me, the most important part of that post was omitted....b/c even with all of that, i still say that may or may not be the case. besides which, with time, efforts, counseling, etc...he may well realize it's in BOTH their bests interests to split....but it may not. so if right now, he thinks it's worth a shot, i am all for encouraging him for doing whatever it takes to change within himself for it. nothing but good can come of that. that was all.

supersonicyears

When someone leaves us, we get a rush of panic. Sometimes, even when you know the person you're in a relationship with is not right for you, when they leave, you get the feeling that you want them back, even though it's not right. Once you have them you're doing the same things you did before that drove them away in the first place. Or, they are doing the same things that drove you away. Ask yourself why do I want to be with her. And she should ask herself why she wants to be with you. The only good reason should be is that you're in love with each other. That you're in love no matter what happens. If you feel like you need this person to change to make you love them more or they need you to change to make them love you more than you aren't right for each other. People for the most part don't change. Maybe little things can be changed but unless you're willing to accept the other person for the way they are and can accept them when they fall, you shouldn't try to get back together.
There will be someone out there for you and no matter what happens you will still love each other and stay together.

CHANGEinWAVES

TheBeach wrote:

The only good reason should be is that you're in love with each other. That you're in love no matter what happens.

I agree with your ENTIRE post... but I particularly liked these words.
People seem to underestimate love... and it's importance in a relationship.
Too often they think they can force love or just do with out. To me, that's a sad thought.

libragirl

I find it really hard to give advice not knowing the whole situation. But i understand you not going into the whole story. You seem sincere about making it up to your wife and I can tell you really love her. I do wish you luck.

pearljgirl2010

I haven't read every post, just the original...

in the meantime, pleassseeee read the Five Love Languages...it is an amazing book and has been incredibly helpful in not just my marriage, but in all of my relationships. It's SO worth reading...and good luck :-)

CHANGEinWAVES

pearljgirl2010 wrote:

I haven't read every post, just the original...

in the meantime, pleassseeee read the Five Love Languages...it is an amazing book and has been incredibly helpful in not just my marriage, but in all of my relationships. It's SO worth reading...and good luck :-)

my ex and i read that in counseling... it's very informative. He and I both kept our copies even after we split.
*in our case... there were no languages to find out about cause there was no love. I agree though, excellent book!

pearljgirl2010

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

pearljgirl2010 wrote:

I haven't read every post, just the original...

in the meantime, pleassseeee read the Five Love Languages...it is an amazing book and has been incredibly helpful in not just my marriage, but in all of my relationships. It's SO worth reading...and good luck :-)

my ex and i read that in counseling... it's very informative. He and I both kept our copies even after we split.
*in our case... there were no languages to find out about cause there was no love. I agree though, excellent book!

yeah...I think that, even if it doesn't "fix" a relationship, it can be beneficial in future relationships. there's some really good info in it...and it comes in handy everywhere (I found it useful in my workplace actually, in dealing with coworkers).

decides2dream

pearljgirl2010 wrote:

I haven't read every post, just the original...

in the meantime, pleassseeee read the Five Love Languages...it is an amazing book and has been incredibly helpful in not just my marriage, but in all of my relationships. It's SO worth reading...and good luck :-)

question - does that book have a religious bent to it? i may be confusing it with another book, thus why i ask. someone else awhile back posted about a book, i think with a similar name - if not the same - and it sounded sooo intriguing. i looked for it in the book store...and yes, it was in the religious/christian section. i still gave it a look-see, but it definitely had a wee bit too much 'god' for my tastes. no criticism, just not for me. however, if this book is NOT the same, and no religion...i'd like to know! i am always about books that can help reltionships along.

thanks for any info!

decides2dream

TheBeach wrote:

When someone leaves us, we get a rush of panic. Sometimes, even when you know the person you're in a relationship with is not right for you, when they leave, you get the feeling that you want them back, even though it's not right. Once you have them you're doing the same things you did before that drove them away in the first place. Or, they are doing the same things that drove you away. Ask yourself why do I want to be with her. And she should ask herself why she wants to be with you. The only good reason should be is that you're in love with each other. That you're in love no matter what happens. If you feel like you need this person to change to make you love them more or they need you to change to make them love you more than you aren't right for each other. People for the most part don't change. Maybe little things can be changed but unless you're willing to accept the other person for the way they are and can accept them when they fall, you shouldn't try to get back together.
There will be someone out there for you and no matter what happens you will still love each other and stay together.

excellent post and so true!





as to the book, just looked it up on amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Five-Love-Languag ... 9609&sr=1-


yes, it's the same book someone else recommended here in the past. reading the back cover and such, just seemed too much god for me, and most definitely for my husband...so those of you who read it, do you truly feel it was beneficial? and WAs there a lot of god, or religion, in it? are you religious or not...so did it hinder any of the advice? just curious. thanks!

CHANGEinWAVES

decides2dream wrote:

TheBeach wrote:

When someone leaves us, we get a rush of panic. Sometimes, even when you know the person you're in a relationship with is not right for you, when they leave, you get the feeling that you want them back, even though it's not right. Once you have them you're doing the same things you did before that drove them away in the first place. Or, they are doing the same things that drove you away. Ask yourself why do I want to be with her. And she should ask herself why she wants to be with you. The only good reason should be is that you're in love with each other. That you're in love no matter what happens. If you feel like you need this person to change to make you love them more or they need you to change to make them love you more than you aren't right for each other. People for the most part don't change. Maybe little things can be changed but unless you're willing to accept the other person for the way they are and can accept them when they fall, you shouldn't try to get back together.
There will be someone out there for you and no matter what happens you will still love each other and stay together.

excellent post and so true!





as to the book, just looked it up on amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/Five-Love-Languag ... 9609&sr=1-


yes, it's the same book someone else recommended here in the past. reading the back cover and such, just seemed too much god for me, and most definitely for my husband...so those of you who read it, do you truly feel it was beneficial? and WAs there a lot of god, or religion, in it? are you religious or not...so did it hinder any of the advice? just curious. thanks!

In my copy there wasn't much God references that I remember, if there was I'm sure I would of just put it down.