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how could I be such an idiot

GreenTeaDiseaseGreenTeaDisease Posts: 3,359
edited April 2008 in All Encompassing Trip
for some reason I no longer know, I didn't get my ass out of bed this morning, which is a huge problem in my life that I am STRUGGLING to correct. I'm not entirely sure what the cause of it is, I think it has to do with my job where I do nothing and have no reason to exist. Anyway, I lie there rationalizing that I can go to the gym later, etc. So I thought "I'll just go to the gym this afternoon around lunch time, I can sneak out for a bit no problem." Then I come into the office and realize, I have to take some PhD candidate out to lunch today!!!! Seriously, sometimes I have no idea how I even get from day to day putting up with myself. god, I really just hate how stupid I am!
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Comments

  • RygarRygar Posts: 8,685
    You really oughta put all these self-hate threads into one thread.
    You slept in and forgot something, wow, how unique this problem is to you!
  • The ChampThe Champ Posts: 4,063
    Rygar wrote:
    You really oughta put all these self-hate threads into one thread.
    You slept in and forgot something, wow, how unique this problem is to you!

    So they ban people for 'derailing' threads and yet this is considered acceptable behavior?
    'I want to hurry home to you
    put on a slow, dumb show for you
    and crack you up
    so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
    god I'm very, very frightening
    and I'll overdo it'
  • RygarRygar Posts: 8,685
    The Champ wrote:
    So they ban people for 'derailing' threads and yet this is considered acceptable behavior?
    Derailing entire forums?
  • GreenTeaDiseaseGreenTeaDisease Posts: 3,359
    Rygar wrote:
    You really oughta put all these self-hate threads into one thread.
    You slept in and forgot something, wow, how unique this problem is to you!

    no I do it like almost every single day. I am the world's biggest fuck-up. I honestly do not deserve to live amongst the regular people. my psychologist is going to be PISSED at me. She says the absolute most important thing I need to do is get up and get to the gym. now I'm going to have to sit there for an hour and listen to her yell at me- i'm already yelling at myself! I know I was wrong! I know I'm an idiot!!!! I don't need to hear it from her too, I don't even like her.

    god, why I can't I just be a good person??? I don't understand what goes through my head in the morning. this is not a choice I *have* to get up and work out. I'm destroying my own life!!!

    I can't hit myself on the head hard enough with my hands, I hate that. but once I used a coffee mug and realized it was a big mistake.
  • The ChampThe Champ Posts: 4,063
    Having an excuse for everything will not make you less miserable. Please try an alternative mode. You'll live longer and may even enjoy some of it..
    'I want to hurry home to you
    put on a slow, dumb show for you
    and crack you up
    so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
    god I'm very, very frightening
    and I'll overdo it'
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    I was doing these things all the time towards the end of my last employment.. it was early signs of stress, which then brought with them depression and anxiety - basically my job fell apart because whatever I did, however hard I worked, it was never good enough. That was then, this is now. I'm looking into self employment because that wasn't any kind of life.
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • RygarRygar Posts: 8,685
    GreenTeaDisease wrote:
    no I do it like almost every single day. I am the world's biggest fuck-up. I honestly do not deserve to live amongst the regular people. my psychologist is going to be PISSED at me. She says the absolute most important thing I need to do is get up and get to the gym. now I'm going to have to sit there for an hour and listen to her yell at me- i'm already yelling at myself! I know I was wrong! I know I'm an idiot!!!! I don't need to hear it from her too, I don't even like her.
    I just laughed me drawers brown.

    Your psychologist yells at you, and you don't like her, but you keep going back? How many different psychologists have you been too (this year)?
    Do you have an alarm clock? Get one, if you don't. Or go to bed earlier so you don't sleep through it.
    I used to sleep through mine when it would be howling a foot and a half away from my head.
  • NY PJ1NY PJ1 Posts: 9,533
    GreenTeaDisease wrote:
    for some reason I no longer know, I didn't get my ass out of bed this morning, which is a huge problem in my life that I am STRUGGLING to correct. I'm not entirely sure what the cause of it is, I think it has to do with my job where I do nothing and have no reason to exist. Anyway, I lie there rationalizing that I can go to the gym later, etc. So I thought "I'll just go to the gym this afternoon around lunch time, I can sneak out for a bit no problem." Then I come into the office and realize, I have to take some PhD candidate out to lunch today!!!! Seriously, sometimes I have no idea how I even get from day to day putting up with myself. god, I really just hate how stupid I am!


    u gotta go to bed earlier
  • The ChampThe Champ Posts: 4,063
    Rygar wrote:
    Derailing entire forums?

    Promoting depression and causing mass suicide?
    'I want to hurry home to you
    put on a slow, dumb show for you
    and crack you up
    so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
    god I'm very, very frightening
    and I'll overdo it'
  • DanimalDanimal Posts: 2,000
    GreenTeaDisease wrote:
    no I do it like almost every single day. I am the world's biggest fuck-up. I honestly do not deserve to live amongst the regular people. my psychologist is going to be PISSED at me. She says the absolute most important thing I need to do is get up and get to the gym. now I'm going to have to sit there for an hour and listen to her yell at me- i'm already yelling at myself! I know I was wrong! I know I'm an idiot!!!! I don't need to hear it from her too, I don't even like her.

    god, why I can't I just be a good person??? I don't understand what goes through my head in the morning. this is not a choice I *have* to get up and work out. I'm destroying my own life!!!

    Whoa whoa whoa!! WHOA! Go easy on yourself!

    Don't beat yourself up about it.....let your shrink do that.
    "I don't believe in PJ fans but I believe there is something, not too sure what." - Thoughts_Arrive


  • GreenTeaDiseaseGreenTeaDisease Posts: 3,359
    The Champ wrote:
    Having an excuse for everything will not make you less miserable. Please try an alternative mode. You'll live longer and may even enjoy some of it..

    an excuse? I'm not making an excuse. this is my fault, I hate myself for it.
  • libragirllibragirl Posts: 4,632
    The Champ wrote:
    So they ban people for 'derailing' threads and yet this is considered acceptable behavior?

    they do?
    These cuts are leaving creases. Trace the scars to fit the pieces, to tell the story, you don't need to say a word.
  • urbanhippieurbanhippie Posts: 3,007
    I've read a few of your posts lately and you need to stop being so hard on yourself.
    Everyone fucks up, I do it everyday. You need to just get some perspective and move on.
    I understand how you feel, I really do. For a long time I tortured myself because of things I had no control over. It's hard to get up and get going when you feel like shit.
    I doubt you're a bad person, very few people really are. Stop beating yourself up over this. Don't sweat the small stuff.
    A human being that was given to fly.

    Wembley 18/06/07

    If there was a reason, it was you.

    O2 Arena 18/09/09
  • RygarRygar Posts: 8,685
    The Champ wrote:
    Promoting depression and causing mass suicide?
    Me or her?

    What's a schedule screw up every now and again...

    @GTD - why does your psychologist yell at you?
  • NY PJ1NY PJ1 Posts: 9,533
    def. a hot 22 yr old chick
  • GreenTeaDiseaseGreenTeaDisease Posts: 3,359
    NY PJ1 wrote:
    u gotta go to bed earlier

    I go to bed at 9:30-10, in the past I've gone to bed at 9, but I've realized it actually doesn't make a difference because I just don't go to sleep. I'm not really sleeping most of the time in the morning, I'm just not GETTING UP. I hid the remote to my alarm clock on the other side of the house, I don't use it anymore to snooze. I wake up at the proper time, but then I just lie there and get anxious about going to the gym and dread going to work.
  • RygarRygar Posts: 8,685
    GreenTeaDisease wrote:
    I go to bed at 9:30-10, in the past I've gone to bed at 9, but I've realized it actually doesn't make a difference because I just don't go to sleep. I'm not really sleeping most of the time in the morning, I'm just not GETTING UP. I hid the remote to my alarm clock on the other side of the house, I don't use it anymore to snooze. I wake up at the proper time, but then I just lie there and get anxious about going to the gym and dread going to work.
    Do you get up and turn your alarm clock off, or is it within reach of your bed?
    Put it somewhere that you have to get out of bed to deal with.
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    GreenTeaDisease wrote:
    I go to bed at 9:30-10, in the past I've gone to bed at 9, but I've realized it actually doesn't make a difference because I just don't go to sleep. I'm not really sleeping most of the time in the morning, I'm just not GETTING UP. I hid the remote to my alarm clock on the other side of the house, I don't use it anymore to snooze. I wake up at the proper time, but then I just lie there and get anxious about going to the gym and dread going to work.

    If you're at this point might it be time to find another job?
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • GreenTeaDiseaseGreenTeaDisease Posts: 3,359
    Rygar wrote:
    I just laughed me drawers brown.

    Your psychologist yells at you, and you don't like her, but you keep going back? How many different psychologists have you been too (this year)?
    Do you have an alarm clock? Get one, if you don't. Or go to bed earlier so you don't sleep through it.
    I used to sleep through mine when it would be howling a foot and a half away from my head.

    I just starting going to one about a month ago when I started having anxiety attacks every day. I just had one before I wrote this, it's the first one I've had in several weeks.
  • libragirllibragirl Posts: 4,632
    NY PJ1 wrote:
    def. a hot 22 yr old chick

    :confused:
    These cuts are leaving creases. Trace the scars to fit the pieces, to tell the story, you don't need to say a word.
  • NY PJ1NY PJ1 Posts: 9,533
    GreenTeaDisease wrote:
    I go to bed at 9:30-10, in the past I've gone to bed at 9, but I've realized it actually doesn't make a difference because I just don't go to sleep. I'm not really sleeping most of the time in the morning, I'm just not GETTING UP. I hid the remote to my alarm clock on the other side of the house, I don't use it anymore to snooze. I wake up at the proper time, but then I just lie there and get anxious about going to the gym and dread going to work.


    honestly if this is all true

    i would go to a dr. and get some happy pills

    im not making a joke here neither , something has to change
    and if it means taking a pill here and there to help u cope with life i think its the move to make
  • GreenTeaDiseaseGreenTeaDisease Posts: 3,359
    Rygar wrote:
    Do you get up and turn your alarm clock off, or is it within reach of your bed?
    Put it somewhere that you have to get out of bed to deal with.

    well the room is tiny, so even though it's on the other side of the room, it's still within reach. but I get up to go to the bathroom, I get up for a while and pace sometimes, but I just go back to bed.
  • The ChampThe Champ Posts: 4,063
    libragirl wrote:
    they do?

    Yes, they certainly do. Hmm, so to stay on topic..I'll agree with the original posters colorful description of herself :)..
    'I want to hurry home to you
    put on a slow, dumb show for you
    and crack you up
    so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
    god I'm very, very frightening
    and I'll overdo it'
  • NY PJ1NY PJ1 Posts: 9,533
    libragirl wrote:
    :confused:


    nevermind
  • RygarRygar Posts: 8,685
    GreenTeaDisease wrote:
    I just starting going to one about a month ago when I started having anxiety attacks every day. I just had one before I wrote this, it's the first one I've had in several weeks.
    I didn't think they were supposed to yell at you.
  • GreenTeaDiseaseGreenTeaDisease Posts: 3,359
    NY PJ1 wrote:
    honestly if this is all true

    i would go to a dr. and get some happy pills

    im not making a joke here neither , something has to change
    and if it means taking a pill here and there to help u cope with life i think its the move to make

    I'm on "happy pills"
    I completely lost it about a month ago-having anxiety attacks everyday, etc. and I went to 4 doctors. This is the first day since then that I've felt like this again. I can't live in this little office doing nothing all day and I can't live with myself for destroying my life!

    It could just be some PMDD coming back. It is the last week of my cycle.
  • libragirllibragirl Posts: 4,632
    NY PJ1 wrote:
    nevermind

    okay....


    Don't feel bad GTD. At least you weren't a idiot for a 4 years straight like I was. :)
    These cuts are leaving creases. Trace the scars to fit the pieces, to tell the story, you don't need to say a word.
  • The ChampThe Champ Posts: 4,063
    NY PJ1 wrote:
    honestly if this is all true

    i would go to a dr. and get some happy pills

    im not making a joke here neither , something has to change
    and if it means taking a pill here and there to help u cope with life i think its the move to make

    I think she mentioned she's already on pills for multiple reasons..
    'I want to hurry home to you
    put on a slow, dumb show for you
    and crack you up
    so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
    god I'm very, very frightening
    and I'll overdo it'
  • GreenTeaDiseaseGreenTeaDisease Posts: 3,359
    Rygar wrote:
    I didn't think they were supposed to yell at you.

    she doesn't yell, but she gets mad and scolds me and tells me how important it is and how I have to do and how it's easy and I should just do it. I know already!!!
  • The ChampThe Champ Posts: 4,063
    GreenTeaDisease wrote:
    she doesn't yell, but she gets mad and scolds me and tells me how important it is and how I have to do and how it's easy and I should just do it. I know already!!!

    If I were her, I'd fire you :)..
    'I want to hurry home to you
    put on a slow, dumb show for you
    and crack you up
    so you can put a blue ribbon on my brain
    god I'm very, very frightening
    and I'll overdo it'
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