This May seem desperate...

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  • this is such an important part of the process....i hop u don't mind if i quote u on this.

    I don't mind at all.

    Good luck to you, as well.

    :)
    "you shall be released" ~ EV
  • CHANGEinWAVESCHANGEinWAVES Posts: 10,169
    I don't mind at all.

    Good luck to you, as well.

    :)
    thank you:)
    i feel like we should make a pearl jam narnon group....i didn't realize all those who loved addicts on here.
    "I'm not present, I'm a drug that makes you dream"
  • thank you:)
    i feel like we should make a pearl jam narnon group....i didn't realize all those who loved addicts on here.


    I thought the same thing!

    How many times have you listened to "All Those Yesterdays" and thought about your addict? I can't count that high! ;)
    "you shall be released" ~ EV
  • CHANGEinWAVESCHANGEinWAVES Posts: 10,169
    I thought the same thing!

    How many times have you listened to "All Those Yesterdays" and thought about your addict? I can't count that high! ;)
    OMG!!! i can relate to that, but that song makes me think of myself though...more so co-dependancy. But it's all an addiction huh:(
    for him the song was save you...i guess i have a bit more anger about the deception.

    the pills part does relate to him though...:(

    **to the OP please keep us updated, there are a lot of us out there married to addicts and trying to break free. we know partially what you are going thru and are here for you.
    "I'm not present, I'm a drug that makes you dream"
  • writersuwritersu Posts: 1,867
    eyedclaar wrote:
    I don't tolerate abuse be it emotional or physical. I divorced my first wife when she decided that being married meant she could treat me however she wanted to. I didn't drag my heels. I up and got the fuck out. Best decision I ever made. And my real father is lucky he died before I grew up. I see red when I see bullies, especially in family dynamics.

    My advice to you would probably involve sleeping pills and a gallon of gasoline so I'll just keep that to myself.


    can I hire you??

    (just trying to make light of this, but really.................)
    Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on The Creek......


    Together we will float like angels.........

    In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
  • writersuwritersu Posts: 1,867
    cutback wrote:
    su i have no advice to give ya but stay strong :o


    thanks, friend. those words alone are inspiring. really.
    Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on The Creek......


    Together we will float like angels.........

    In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
  • writersuwritersu Posts: 1,867
    nuffingman wrote:
    I feel like giving you my wife's email address. She was married to an alcoholic for 14 years. Apparently mind games was his favourite occupation. She took a long time to divorce him because she was frightened. When she announced she was off things became really nasty even though he no longer drank. One of the greatest helps to her was a group for the partners of alcoholics. Through that she understood what games they can play. Sorry, forgot to look where you are from but perhaps there's a group near you.

    As for being hurt filing, it's a means to an end. Personally it was a great day in my life

    Good luck! You'll be a lot happier when you've seen this through.


    just knowing that your wife found love again is so inspiring to me. mind games can really get you off kilter. and the weird thing is that I can't imagine doing this to anyone, really, this is so bad; but how do people prey on those who are obviously hanging on by a thread so weak?

    This may be unGodly, but you know my take on Him if you know me at all; I sure hope God deals severely with those who prey on those hurting. I can't imagine a more sick act.
    Thanks again for your words. and yeah, I would love to hear from your wife if she wanted to contact me. I need to draw on the strength from others. Just hearing, "you can do this", is a huge help. you know?
    Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on The Creek......


    Together we will float like angels.........

    In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
  • writersuwritersu Posts: 1,867
    I am crying so I am having a hard time remembering all of you, here so forgive me, releaselauren,trixiecat,chaddy, my dear friend,eyedclear, change inwaves,hartamh,getright, ALL,OF YOU, please forgive me if I forgot any of you.
    I am so numb and wonder how the hell someone becomes this. When I look at my kids it seems so foreign and so crazy to think they would ever end up so sad. I almost stand against that for them in whatever way I can you know?

    How this happens, I do not know. I have heard so many of you here say nice things about your spouses, others say really enlightened, mature things about relationships, and I see that this is not the norm.
    I pray it goes fast and that I still have time with my kids to enjoy them before they are grown and my memories are what was sad in the end.
    I talked to him today and he said he was going to file in 6 weeks. I am not sure what the hell six weeks means but it is weird. I am going to seek some help from a lawyer. I need to find out the facts so the unknown doesn't scare me away from life itself.

    i start school again tomorrow so I have to turn in now. I will check in tomorrow with you guys. thanks friends, truly.

    Su
    Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on The Creek......


    Together we will float like angels.........

    In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
  • catefrancescatefrances Posts: 29,003
    that is true. The house is a material thing. Kids *will* adjust. I am going to be sacrificing a LOT in order to have my sanity and freedom...and, in time, I'll most likely, have to downsize to a smaller house. Change can be hard but nothing changes if nothing changes.

    im not the best person to offer advice when it comes to material goods but NOTHING is worth more than your sanity and when there are children involved, even moreso. and to keep that sanity there is no such thing as sacrifice in my mind.
    hear my name
    take a good look
    this could be the day
    hold my hand
    lie beside me
    i just need to say
  • urbanhippieurbanhippie Posts: 3,007
    Kids *will* adjust.
    Again very true. I'm a good few months into the divorce process and it's been a lot longer since he left and already I'm seeing a huge difference in my kids and myself. We still have bad days, and it's hard, but they've grown and developed a lot of maturity about this issue.

    My eldest especially never had a 'good' relationship with his father. His dad would often put him down and belittle him and often I felt I had to stand between them. Since his dad has gone he's grown such a lot and become the reliable, mature 15 yr old that I always knew he could be. Even my 12 yr old (who was always daddy's little princess) and myself have become so much closer. We work well as a unit, we negotiate and pull together more, simply because we HAVE to now.

    You're doing the right thing, by yourself and your children.
    A human being that was given to fly.

    Wembley 18/06/07

    If there was a reason, it was you.

    O2 Arena 18/09/09
  • writersu wrote:
    I am crying so I am having a hard time remembering all of you, here so forgive me, releaselauren,trixiecat,chaddy, my dear friend,eyedclear, change inwaves,hartamh,getright, ALL,OF YOU, please forgive me if I forgot any of you.
    I am so numb and wonder how the hell someone becomes this. When I look at my kids it seems so foreign and so crazy to think they would ever end up so sad. I almost stand against that for them in whatever way I can you know?

    How this happens, I do not know. I have heard so many of you here say nice things about your spouses, others say really enlightened, mature things about relationships, and I see that this is not the norm.
    I pray it goes fast and that I still have time with my kids to enjoy them before they are grown and my memories are what was sad in the end.
    I talked to him today and he said he was going to file in 6 weeks. I am not sure what the hell six weeks means but it is weird. I am going to seek some help from a lawyer. I need to find out the facts so the unknown doesn't scare me away from life itself.

    i start school again tomorrow so I have to turn in now. I will check in tomorrow with you guys. thanks friends, truly.

    Su

    Su you need to try not to dwell on how you got into this situation and how bad it is. You need to focus on changing things around so things will be better for you and the kids :) I know how hard that is, but you have to be strong willed and make it happen.

    Personally, I would not wait for him to file in 6 weeks. Talk to a lawyer and do it yourself. Do you really want to wait for him to get around to it? You have said yourself that he does not follow through and fulfull his promises. Put yourself in control of the situation and don't let him be.

    As for your kids, they will get through it and they will adjust. Family counselling may be a good idea for you and the kids. If you file for a restraining order or order of protection, there should be a Domestic Violence center that will offer it for free. My situation was verbal and emotional abuse (no physical) but it still counts as domestic violence. You should check if there is a center where you live.

    Good luck hun and just remember you have lots of support here :)
  • duffyduffy Posts: 74
    writersu wrote:
    But I want to know from those who have been married with kids and had issues for a lot of years. Mine were that he was an alcoholic for the first like 12 years, then got sober, hating every minute of it, for a year and then had a stroke due to the high blood pressure + drinking and is now paralyzed and meaner than ever.
    We have been seperated for over a year, I am with the kids, we do ok, yet he is still paying for the house while I am going to school for a certificate in medical billing and coding which should help me financially after the year of school is over.
    Does filing for a divorce hurt the one filing? Like I mean to say, if I do am I going to end up screwing myself more? He is playing mind games with the kids all of the time, by making plans, then bailing, and constantly berating me in front of them. They are all old enough to know that they are out of this whole thing soon, thank God and don't have to deal with the crap.
    I try to hold my tongue, he threatens to take the house from the kids and I when he really gets in a fit. But I am losing my self respect and I worry about the kids and what will they see me as when all is said and done. I don't want to make their lives worse but I also don't want to make myself appear weak to them.

    I am sorry to ask this here, but many of you have so many different looks on life that I have not been able to see and because I consider you my friends, I thought I would ask for your opinions.

    Thanks, guys. really.




    sounds horrendous. this is a case in point why i don't really respect or even want to support the institution of marriage.
    its like a committed sentence to abuse or be abused the rest of your life.
    save yourself and the kiddies. you'll be sooooo much happier and better off.
  • ^^^ I don't really agree with you about marriage, but that is your opinion.
  • KosmicJelliKosmicJelli Posts: 1,855
    I agree with some of the posts. Not that you should be stringing him along for the house, but things are still stable financially. I wouldnt rock the boat with filing for divorce, unless you feel it is truly necessary at this point. Be prepared before you file! Have alternate plans if things get volatile or dont go the way you planned. I am quite sure though since you have the children and he is paying for the house you have already set a prescendent in the eyes of the court.

    I wouldnt worry about empty threats from a person with an addictive personality. Thats what they are: BS and just trying to control and manipulate you! Not that I condone tactics and behavior like that but sometimes you just still have to play the "game" with them until you are out of your current situation.
  • mammasanmammasan Posts: 5,656
    writersu you need to empty your pm box. Tried to respond to your PM but your box was full.
    "When one gets in bed with government, one must expect the diseases it spreads." - Ron Paul
  • writersuwritersu Posts: 1,867
    I emptied the box, sorry.

    I know about the power of control and just so I have some facts and do not feel so under the control of someone else's whim, yeah I need to find out what would occur when the inevitable occurs. Fear and the unknown are enough to get us frightened beyond taking control of our own lives. My confidence has been made better when I do more for me and less waiting on others. You are right.

    In the meantime, yeah distance is the answer. If someone knows they can manipulate you, then they do and I have seen some of the most sorryass weak motherfuckers who are taking advantage of those I care about and because they hold no power for me, I think, "WHY??". So I agree that I need to find the facts, distance myself and also be smart enough to not try to be so accomodating. He deserves nothing. And although I feel God wants me to be humble and kind to others, I have discovered a long time ago, that if I do not take my place as merely as good as anyone else here, then all of the pain that Jesus took for me, is merely in vain. And while I try not to burden God or Jesus, whom I pray more to (I know one in the same, but you know what I mean), then I need to see that I have a responsibility to my kids and myself to make my place in this world as nice as I would for anyone I love. It may sound corny as hell, but I need to love me.
    Thanks, to my friends here.
    I love you guys, really.
    Baby, You Wouldn't Last a Minute on The Creek......


    Together we will float like angels.........

    In the moment that you left the room, the album started skipping, goodbye to beauty shared with the ones that you love.........
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