This May seem desperate...

writersu

But I want to know from those who have been married with kids and had issues for a lot of years. Mine were that he was an alcoholic for the first like 12 years, then got sober, hating every minute of it, for a year and then had a stroke due to the high blood pressure + drinking and is now paralyzed and meaner than ever.
We have been seperated for over a year, I am with the kids, we do ok, yet he is still paying for the house while I am going to school for a certificate in medical billing and coding which should help me financially after the year of school is over.
Does filing for a divorce hurt the one filing? Like I mean to say, if I do am I going to end up screwing myself more? He is playing mind games with the kids all of the time, by making plans, then bailing, and constantly berating me in front of them. They are all old enough to know that they are out of this whole thing soon, thank God and don't have to deal with the crap.
I try to hold my tongue, he threatens to take the house from the kids and I when he really gets in a fit. But I am losing my self respect and I worry about the kids and what will they see me as when all is said and done. I don't want to make their lives worse but I also don't want to make myself appear weak to them.

I am sorry to ask this here, but many of you have so many different looks on life that I have not been able to see and because I consider you my friends, I thought I would ask for your opinions.

Thanks, guys. really.

catch22

writersu wrote:

But I want to know from those who have been married with kids and had issues for a lot of years. Mine were that he was an alcoholic for the first like 12 years, then got sober, hating every minute of it, for a year and then had a stroke due to the high blood pressure + drinking and is now paralyzed and meaner than ever.
We have been seperated for over a year, I am with the kids, we do ok, yet he is still paying for the house while I am going to school for a certificate in medical billing and coding which should help me financially after the year of school is over.
Does filing for a divorce hurt the one filing? Like I mean to say, if I do am I going to end up screwing myself more? He is playing mind games with the kids all of the time, by making plans, then bailing, and constantly berating me in front of them. They are all old enough to know that they are out of this whole thing soon, thank God and don't have to deal with the crap.
I try to hold my tongue, he threatens to take the house from the kids and I when he really gets in a fit. But I am losing my self respect and I worry about the kids and what will they see me as when all is said and done. I don't want to make their lives worse but I also don't want to make myself appear weak to them.

I am sorry to ask this here, but many of you have so many different looks on life that I have not been able to see and because I consider you my friends, I thought I would ask for your opinions.

Thanks, guys. really.

i m no family law expert, but how do you think filing for divorce would hurt you? financially? as in he'll take the house? you'll spend a good amount on a lawyer probably, but you'll probably get half the marital assets. if you're separated already, why not just wait until you finish school in a year and have a steady income and just avoid seeing him in the mean time?

urbanhippie

I would suggest that you get legal advice about filing for divorce. Go talk to someone who can discuss all the options available before you do anything. I can't see how that could hurt you at all.

My ex tried to use filing for divorce as an excuse to say all sorts of crap about me that he wouldn't have dared do to my face, because it simply wasn't true. I think he just wanted to get in first so he could twist the knife, but hey ho. I'd say avoid doing that if you can, in case it bites your ass later.

blackredyellow

I feel for you...

My marriage is not like that, but I do have some experience with a family member with alcoholism, and have seen some of the awful things that it can do to people.

I'm assuming that by "Does filing for a divorce hurt the one filing?", you are talking about financially. I honestly have no idea, but if the situation is as bad as you say it is, I would probably take that risk instead of subjecting myself and my kids to that environment. To me, having my kids and my own mental health subjected to that pales in comparison to struggling financially. You will probably end up with alimony and child support to help you live on your own.

Best wishes in the terrible situation that you are in...

HOOKER

I have no advice but I just wanna say that I am sorry you are going through this. I hope everything turns out well for everyone involved in this situation.

Have a good day.

TrixieCat

catch22 wrote:

i m no family law expert, but how do you think filing for divorce would hurt you? financially? as in he'll take the house? you'll spend a good amount on a lawyer probably, but you'll probably get half the marital assets. if you're separated already, why not just wait until you finish school in a year and have a steady income and just avoid seeing him in the mean time?

I pm'd you but I will also add to what this poster is saying....If you are seperated and he is the one that left, I think after a year is is called abandonment and you have every right in the world to file and get everything.

writersu

catch22 wrote:

i m no family law expert, but how do you think filing for divorce would hurt you? financially? as in he'll take the house? you'll spend a good amount on a lawyer probably, but you'll probably get half the marital assets. if you're separated already, why not just wait until you finish school in a year and have a steady income and just avoid seeing him in the mean time?

I was hoping for that but in the meantime he plays headgames with the kids about plans he makes and then breaks, or when he takes the younger ones, who are 14 and 11, he takes them and then doesn't bring them back and says things to them about me not wanting to let them spend time with him when all he does is live with his mother, who allows his sister, his nephews, her other son and my husband to drink constantly there and as they are getting older, i worry that they too will drink at an early age as he did; 12.

I only see benefit for not having to chase him down for the bill money and not debating the kids. This summer I thought I would do the kids a favor and let them see him more but all it has done was bring more turmoil in my home when they are here. If any of you know about me, you know two horrible things happened this summer because he sowed a seed that was trouble.

so that is the only reason I would seek a lawyer at this time. To avoid contact that allows him to abuse me.

MrMerkinball

I am sorry that you are having a rough time. I hate hearing about these things - especially when it involves kids.

Nothing wrong with coming here. I certainly bothered everyone here with my problems a couple months ago. I found a lot of advise and support.

At this point, I think Divorce sounds logical. Obviously the love is gone. When filing for divorce, it typically doesn't hurt the person filing, especially from the mother (don't mean to be sexist here - this is just the facts).

If this is the route you are taking, I would take a morning to yourself, go to a coffee house, and sit and write a log of events chronologically. Think to your self - How did it come to this. Start recently and work your way backwards.
This will be very important in protecting yourself.

Inhiding230

This all sounds very familiar to me :(

No filing for divorce will not hurt you as long as you have a good case - which it seems you do. You also need to document all the times he puts you down in front of the kids etc.

I filed for divorce in my case, ended up with full custody and a large child support settlement which is garnished from his wages. You probably have enough medical history on him with the drinking that you could demand supervised visitation for the kids. That is what I got for my daughter. The judge also put in the court order that my ex could not talk about me in any manner to my daughter and she told my daughter if he did then she wanted her to call her They took my daughter into the judges chamber with just the 2 lawyers and talked to her about what she wanted also (she was 12 at the time). I was married to him for 12 years - my daughter still has huge self esteem issues because of him. I stayed because I wanted her to have a "normal and stable family" but over time I realized we had neither of those things and I was better off doing it on my own - even if I had to struggle, which I did.

Do not let him do this to you and the kids. You need to get out and away from his control and the only way is to do it legally. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

writersu

urbanhippie wrote:

I would suggest that you get legal advice about filing for divorce. Go talk to someone who can discuss all the options available before you do anything. I can't see how that could hurt you at all.

My ex tried to use filing for divorce as an excuse to say all sorts of crap about me that he wouldn't have dared do to my face, because it simply wasn't true. I think he just wanted to get in first so he could twist the knife, but hey ho. I'd say avoid doing that if you can, in case it bites your ass later.

Yeah, marriage counseling was like that for us. That is why I would never again go with him for it. He just plays the "poor disabled" card to the hilt, says I am .....whatever he feels at the time and then hopes that the person believes him. Sometimes they do sometimes they don't. I don't even care who believes me, truly not to sound like a badass, because I am so not..... I just am tired of waking up feeling this ache in my heart that is making me a sad woman. I can control it; I know. I know I can decide to be happy or sad but I have come to think that I don't care how much self esteem you start out with, no one can hear daily what a piece of shit they are and not be affected.

urbanhippie

I agree with everyone who said keep a record of things. Write down how often and when he sees the kids. Everytime he puts you down, everytime he doesn't bring them home and every no show he makes. This could be valuable in any subsequent action you might need to take.

My ex made all sorts of ridiculous claims about me in our divorce, none of which he could prove, but I can prove all the no shows, the lack of contact and the missed phone calls because I've kept a record of them.

If you're worried that your kids could be exposed to alcohol and allowed to drink at such an age, then it's vital you do whats needed to protect them. They might not thank you for it now, but in time they'll understand

writersu

hartamh wrote:

WOW it's like I just read my own story.. I'm going through almost everything you are, and I too want a divorce but I'm not sure how that would work for me.. I've been going through this for 31 years of marriage. Please let me know if you get any advice on this.. again WOW and good luck.

I am not sure how the laws are there, but in Illinois I wonder if there are services that help women who are financially not equipt to pay a lawyer a lot of money just to be free.

and this is neither here nor there, but just to be funny (yet this is true--I swear).....

if I want my maiden name back; legally I HAVE TO PAY FOR IT!!

Do you believe it? It is MY NAME for crying out loud.

yeah, and let me know if you hear anything as well, ok? Thanks. I will be thinking about you as well. keep in touch any time. truly.

writersu

seren327 wrote:

This all sounds very familiar to me :(

No filing for divorce will not hurt you as long as you have a good case - which it seems you do. You also need to document all the times he puts you down in front of the kids etc.

I filed for divorce in my case, ended up with full custody and a large child support settlement which is garnished from his wages. You probably have enough medical history on him with the drinking that you could demand supervised visitation for the kids. That is what I got for my daughter. The judge also put in the court order that my ex could not talk about me in any manner to my daughter and she told my daughter if he did then she wanted her to call her They took my daughter into the judges chamber with just the 2 lawyers and talked to her about what she wanted also (she was 12 at the time). I was married to him for 12 years and it was 12 years of hell - my daughter still has huge self esteem issues because of him. I stayed because I wanted her to have a "normal and stable family" but over time I realized we had neither of those things and I was better off doing it on my own - even if I had to struggle, which I did.

Do not let him do this to you and the kids. You need to get out and away from his control and the only way is to do it legally. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

Thank you so much. I will. I need to gather the strength from those who offer it. I promise not to be a burden. It's just at my age it is a ridiculous thing to be so emotionally spent. I want to give my kids a mom who is healthy; not one who is beaten down. And to make it worse, when the kids have blown up on me, the few times but nonetheless, the times, they have used his words against me. That is sad. There is no one in this world that I would ever love more; my kids I mean.

saveuplife

Sounds like it's most likely best for both of you to part ways. I'm sure there's a part of you who still cares about him, or you wouldn't have stuck it out this long. I think sometimes, life needs to shake a person (him in this case) to set them straight. Divorcing him, may actually save his life. And in the process, it sounds as though it will certainly help you, and most likely it will help your children.

Who knows, maybe 5 years later, he'll be cleaned up and a new person and have you to thank.

urbanhippie

writersu wrote:

Thank you so much. I will. I need to gather the strength from those who offer it. I promise not to be a burden. It's just at my age it is a ridiculous thing to be so emotionally spent. I want to give my kids a mom who is healthy; not one who is beaten down. And to make it worse, when the kids have blown up on me, the few times but nonetheless, the times, they have used his words against me. That is sad. There is no one in this world that I would ever love more; my kids I mean.

Children can be cruel and selfish, that doesn't mean they don't love and appreciate you. They're hurt and lashing out. That's all it is. They feel pulled in two directions and are taking out on you because you're always there. Try not to take it to heart and see it for what it is.

Don't let him see he can get to you through your children, he'll do it all the more and it's not fair on them, or you.

eyedclaar

I don't tolerate abuse be it emotional or physical. I divorced my first wife when she decided that being married meant she could treat me however she wanted to. I didn't drag my heels. I up and got the fuck out. Best decision I ever made. And my real father is lucky he died before I grew up. I see red when I see bullies, especially in family dynamics.

My advice to you would probably involve sleeping pills and a gallon of gasoline so I'll just keep that to myself.

Inhiding230

writersu wrote:

Thank you so much. I will. I need to gather the strength from those who offer it. I promise not to be a burden. It's just at my age it is a ridiculous thing to be so emotionally spent. I want to give my kids a mom who is healthy; not one who is beaten down. And to make it worse, when the kids have blown up on me, the few times but nonetheless, the times, they have used his words against me. That is sad. There is no one in this world that I would ever love more; my kids I mean.

If your kids do that, you need to explain what they are doing and how hurtful it is - do not let them get away with it, that behaviour is not acceptable, no matter how hurt they are. They are old enough to understand.

As for strength, you have it within yourself, you just might not know it yet I didn't know if I could make it on my own with a teenage daughter, but I proved to myself that I could. It was a huge struggle financially for a few years, but I made it through. Not only that, I am a much happier person and a much better mother for all that we went through.

Get_Right

TrixieCat wrote:

I pm'd you but I will also add to what this poster is saying....If you are seperated and he is the one that left, I think after a year is is called abandonment and you have every right in the world to file and get everything.

In NY, no physical contact for 1 year equals abandonment and is grounds for divorce. But Illinois may be different.

To the OP
1) filing first has its advantages
2) you may petition for the guy to pay legal fees if he supports the household
3) TALK TO A FAMILY LAWYER IN YOUR AREA-family law is state based, and you need local advice from a professional. Dont be intimiated by the fees. Many lawyers will talk to you and let you know where you stand before charging you a dime.
4) just keep in mind that exes don't always pay even after you get a divorce decree, you may get support, the kids and the house, but he may not give you a dime-that will make your life difficult and you need to prepare for it-perhaps there are steps that can be taken before the initial filing to minimize the likelihood of this happening
5) keep a journal of any incidents or verbal abuse. Especially involving the kids. Lawyers have a talent for using that kind of stuff to their clients, advantage. Legal decisions are based on facts, the more facts in your favor, the better off you will be.
6) you can an order of protection or a restraining order, keeping him away from the kids and the house if the facts warrant it
http://www.divorcesource.com/info/divorcelaws/illinois.shtml

Just a website I quickly found
DO NOT TREAT IT AS GOSPEL, but just an outline of what you are dealing with

GOOD LUCK

Inhiding230

If you decide to get a restraining order, just know that is not really worth the paper it is written on, unless you are willing to take him to court every time he breaks it. I had one and when I called the police to report him violating it, they explained to me that they could do nothing and I would have to go to court and then the judge could put him in jail.

With an Order of Protection, a temporary one is issued and served to him immediately. After that you will go to court to explain why you need one and if you the judge issues it, it is usually in place for one year. If he as much as calls you, turns up at your door or place of work, you can call the police and have him arrested on the spot. I have had one in place against my ex for the past 4 years........

writersu

thanks, all of you ...really.

I just searched my state's web page to see what they offer in regard to reduced legal fee help in divorce proceedings. I hope to hear back from them soon.
I also found out that I am able to start school again tomorrow (to retake my class from last spring) and am working on looking for a job (that he knows nothing about so he can't take the little I will make away).

I will keep you posted. If any thoughts come to you after this, please let me know.

thanks again, all of you. I find sanity in the posts that come to my aid; you are true friends.

Su

norm

su i have no advice to give ya but stay strong

nuffingman

writersu wrote:

But I want to know from those who have been married with kids and had issues for a lot of years. Mine were that he was an alcoholic for the first like 12 years, then got sober, hating every minute of it, for a year and then had a stroke due to the high blood pressure + drinking and is now paralyzed and meaner than ever.
We have been seperated for over a year, I am with the kids, we do ok, yet he is still paying for the house while I am going to school for a certificate in medical billing and coding which should help me financially after the year of school is over.
Does filing for a divorce hurt the one filing? Like I mean to say, if I do am I going to end up screwing myself more? He is playing mind games with the kids all of the time, by making plans, then bailing, and constantly berating me in front of them. They are all old enough to know that they are out of this whole thing soon, thank God and don't have to deal with the crap.
I try to hold my tongue, he threatens to take the house from the kids and I when he really gets in a fit. But I am losing my self respect and I worry about the kids and what will they see me as when all is said and done. I don't want to make their lives worse but I also don't want to make myself appear weak to them.

I am sorry to ask this here, but many of you have so many different looks on life that I have not been able to see and because I consider you my friends, I thought I would ask for your opinions.

Thanks, guys. really.

I feel like giving you my wife's email address. She was married to an alcoholic for 14 years. Apparently mind games was his favourite occupation. She took a long time to divorce him because she was frightened. When she announced she was off things became really nasty even though he no longer drank. One of the greatest helps to her was a group for the partners of alcoholics. Through that she understood what games they can play. Sorry, forgot to look where you are from but perhaps there's a group near you.

As for being hurt filing, it's a means to an end. Personally it was a great day in my life

Good luck! You'll be a lot happier when you've seen this through.

Lizard

can't really add any advice to that already given.

My sister was married to an alcoholic and FINALLY left him but took years to file the papers. Probably a different situation though since he was NO help financially. Uggh.

Take care

(((Writersu))))

Get_Right

writersu wrote:

thanks, all of you ...really.

I just searched my state's web page to see what they offer in regard to reduced legal fee help in divorce proceedings. I hope to hear back from them soon.
I also found out that I am able to start school again tomorrow (to retake my class from last spring) and am working on looking for a job (that he knows nothing about so he can't take the little I will make away).

I will keep you posted. If any thoughts come to you after this, please let me know.

thanks again, all of you. I find sanity in the posts that come to my aid; you are true friends.

Su

talk to a top dog
find out what it costs
OFTEN THE HUSBAND HAS TO PAY

dont let the fees keep you away from at least talking to a good, private lawyer

TrixieCat

Get_Right wrote:

talk to a top dog
find out what it costs
OFTEN THE HUSBAND HAS TO PAY

dont let the fees keep you away from at least talking to a good, private lawyer

Sound advice Adam and thank you for confirming the whole abandonment issue.
It's a long hard road Su, like we have talked about. But you can be strong.

releaselauren

Everyone here has posted good information. I can relate as my husband is an addict who went off the deep end after being clean for nearly three years. Hopefully, he checked into rehab by now.

Regarding your maiden name, you do not have to pay to get it back. There is a box you check that after a divorce is final, you will retain your maiden name. Should you choose to change or make up another last night, you WILL have to pay. My sister's divorce was final a few months ago and she wanted to change her last name to that of our maternal grandmother instead of her maiden name. She didn't want to pay and she now goes by her maiden name.

Whoever posted about Orders of Protection were correct. I currently have one on my husband and went to court today to file petitions and what not only to be told that the OP was not in the system. Therefore, the only thing that was handled at court was an extension of the OP.

Further, if you file an OP, under the Domestic Violence Act in Illinois, you are entitled to live in your residence for up to two years if you can prove that he is a danger to your children and you. I have a REALLY good lawyer. Feel free to ask me any questions. Be strong, good luck.

CHANGEinWAVES

urbanhippie wrote:

Don't let him see he can get to you through your children, he'll do it all the more and it's not fair on them, or you.

i agree with this... I have no children though i am going thru a divorce.
But i witnessed this with my uncle. It was the opposite where she did all she could to get to him thru the kids, and it worked cause he reacted exactly how she wanted. In the end it was her who hurt my cousins more because she made them choose. Just stand strong and allow your kids to see that you love them. That's all they can ask from a parent...one who is strong for themselves and who loves them.
good luck in all u choose. Divorce is hard, but the end result is possibility and that is worth the struggle and the pain.

chadwick

hartamh wrote:

WOW it's like I just read my own story.. I'm going through almost everything you are, and I too want a divorce but I'm not sure how that would work for me.. I've been going through this for 31 years of marriage. Please let me know if you get any advice on this.. again WOW and good luck.

i have a simple harmless question.
why would anyone spend 31 years being in a bullshit relationship/marriage?


and writersu..
let the fucker have the house, who gives a fuck as long as you have your
sanity and the kids have a roof of some kind over their heads, who cares.
i say loose the fucker all together.
the kids can see him when they can.
i personally wouldn't put up with crap like this from anyone.

releaselauren

chadwick wrote:

i have a simple harmless question.
why would anyone spend 31 years being in a bullshit relationship/marriage?


and writersu..
let the fucker have the house, who gives a fuck as long as you have your
sanity and the kids have a roof of some kind over their heads, who cares.
i say loose the fucker all together.
the kids can see him when they can.
i personally wouldn't put up with crap like this from anyone.

that is true. The house is a material thing. Kids *will* adjust. I am going to be sacrificing a LOT in order to have my sanity and freedom...and, in time, I'll most likely, have to downsize to a smaller house. Change can be hard but nothing changes if nothing changes.

CHANGEinWAVES

releaselauren wrote:

nothing changes if nothing changes.

this is such an important part of the process....i hop u don't mind if i quote u on this.

chadwick

releaselauren wrote:

that is true. The house is a material thing. Kids *will* adjust. I am going to be sacrificing a LOT in order to have my sanity and freedom...and, in time, I'll most likely, have to downsize to a smaller house. Change can be hard but nothing changes if nothing changes.

yep yep.
it's a material item which in my world means who gives a shit.
it can be hard but it is very do able.
your self worth/self esteem will increase if and when you set shit strait.
your husband has a serious problem.
it amazes me how people treat themselves and the people they say they love.
weird shit..
i'd drop the dude like a bad habit and let him have the house. fuck eem..