Opinion?

PaperPlates

Okay....without getting TOOO personal here, I'm sittin here flippin and am looking for a little input as to whether I'm being unreasonable. Ill try and give the "short version" of my quandry. I just need someone on the outsides opinion. Hope I don't leave anything out, Ill try and be as honest and detailed as I can without going on and on.


As you may or may not know, I'm going through a divorce. I have two kids. I have them with me overnight Sundays, Mondays, and Wednesdays. I also have just my son home with me Tuesdays and Thursdays during the day, to keep daycare costs down. I work almost every weekend, but on occasion when I don't, Ill even offer to take them on a weekend night so the ex can have a night out.

Now, my ex is a teacher. She recently took a new full time postion at a school with about a 45 minute drive. She has to be in at 7:00 am, and the daycare my boy goes to doesn't open until 6:30, and my daughter goes to school at 8:45.

A week before she landed this job, the ex calls me and asks if I mind taking the kids on those days that I don't already have them, which would entail waking up at 6:00 am so she can get to work on time. As I said, I work most weekends, so I dont go out a lot on the weekends. Tuesday and Thursdays are my nights I can, since I don't have the kids those nights and my job doesnt require me to be in until 9:30.......


I said "no problem", and pretty much gave up going out those nights, or at least seriously curbed how late I stay out, (and also I might add bringing anyone home).

No big deal.

Tonight, I wanted to go out with someone, and hoped to be able to have a good night.

So I texted the ex and asked if I could have tommorow morning "off". (Figuring she could ask a friend, ask her mom, whatever), figuring it was at least worth asking.

Her answer? "No, I can't be late to work and besides I don't know whats the big deal about waking up early a few days a week".

Im pissed. If I point out that I'm doing a favor for her, her answer is "well you're their father". Duh. But Ive been doing this as a favor to HER!

Am I a dick for asking? For being mad at her response? Its really hard because you gotta watch how angry your responses are, or she could damn well take me for even more support than we've agreed me to pay, just for spite. I hate being held by the balls like this......


So, am I a dick, or is she being a bit of a bitch? Am I crazy?

Rant over.............input welcomed.

comebackwoman

I don't think it's out of line at all to ask if she can make other arrangements for that morning. Sounds like you're more bothered by the way she responded - that she turned it back on you rather than exploring other options, etc. - and that may be what you want to focus on if you discuss this with her (rather than getting into who's turn it is to do what and whether or not it's a favor, etc. etc. - that's likely just to explode into an argument and do very little to resolve your concern). It sounds like you just want her to respect that you still have your own life and own priorities. Ultimately you're still a parental team in raising your kids and it sounds like you have been able to set aside your differences to be able to continue doing that - which is very admirable and not always easy to do.

Fifthelement

Comebackgirls advice sounds good to me. Don't be confrontational or argumentative - focus on exploring other alternatives. Good luck on resolving this - hopefully you will come to an equitable solution.

Cheers!

PJPixie

Divorced Parenting is tough. I have this battle often. I feel guilty for "asking" him things like taking an extra weekend or going to a parent conference, before I've even asked him. Ugh........I don't think you're being a jerk, but you'll have to work things like this out at some point. I'm having this same exact battle this weekend for the ED shows. My ex said he'd watch our boys on Sunday evening but then gave me a guilt trip because it's a school night and I'd be picking the boys up late from him (after ed's show) and they have school at 8am the following morning. Maybe he should consider getting a drivers license and taking them to school himself instead of trying to make me feel guilty for having a nice evening out??!! I have the boys about 93% of the time..........AND I do ALL the driving....taking the kids to him AND picking them up. The EX lives about 25 miles from me/one way....and gas is included in my whole $500 a month child support........yeah, sometimes I get bitter.

the wolf

comebackgirl wrote:

I don't think it's out of line at all to ask if she can make other arrangements for that morning. Sounds like you're more bothered by the way she responded - that she turned it back on you rather than exploring other options, etc. - and that may be what you want to focus on if you discuss this with her (rather than getting into who's turn it is to do what and whether or not it's a favor, etc. etc. - that's likely just to explode into an argument and do very little to resolve your concern). It sounds like you just want her to respect that you still have your own life and own priorities. Ultimately you're still a parental team in raising your kids and it sounds like you have been able to set aside your differences to be able to continue doing that - which is very admirable and not always easy to do.

combackgirl said everything i was thinking. but to answer your questions, no i dont think you are being a dick, and a bitch? idk, lets just say that maybe she is taking things for granted. she can have a life without problems , but you need one thing and it becomes a problem? dont seem fair to me. so yeah, she may not be a bitch, but seems unreasonalble to me.

good luck.

just remember to not let the kids know about any of this!!!

the wolf

PJPixie wrote:

Divorced Parenting is tough. I have this battle often. I feel guilty for "asking" him things like taking an extra weekend or going to a parent conference, before I've even asked him. Ugh........I don't think you're being a jerk, but you'll have to work things like this out at some point. I'm having this same exact battle this weekend for the ED shows. My ex said he'd watch our boys on Sunday evening but then gave me a guilt trip because it's a school night and I'd be picking the boys up late from him (after ed's show) and they have school at 8am the following morning. Maybe he should consider getting a drivers license and taking them to school himself instead of trying to make me feel guilty for having a nice evening out??!! I have the boys about 93% of the time..........AND I do ALL the driving....taking the kids to him AND picking them up. The EX lives about 25 miles from me/one way....and gas is included in my whole $500 a month child support........yeah, sometimes I get bitter.

hell Pixie, id be bitter too!!! tell him if he wants the kids he can find a way to get them so you dont have to drive. and tell him to get his shit together and DRIVE like most adults do, and the night of the Ed show would not be a problem, and .............$500 bucks!!!!!!!!! get outta here! he should be happy to take the kids whenever, even if it means you are getting serviced by two male prostitues in his front lawn!!!!! get more money girl!!! lol

all kidding aside, i feel for you both.
this is a double edged sword for me, while im glad i dont have to deal with this with my ex wife, everytime i hear of this it makes me think of the child we lost, and makes me wonder what if.......

good luck to you both.

good vibes!!!

PJPixie

the wolf wrote:

combackgirl said everything i was thinking. but to answer your questions, no i dont think you are being a dick, and a bitch? idk, lets just say that maybe she is taking things for granted. she can have a life without problems , but you need one thing and it becomes a problem? dont seem fair to me. so yeah, she may not be a bitch, but seems unreasonalble to me.

good luck.

just remember to not let the kids know about any of this!!!

Exactly!! I apologize for my earlier rant/post.

foxymop_stupidmop

Maybe you would have done better to ask her about it a few days before instead of the night before? Not that everything can be planned out so much, but I would in the future tell her at the beginning of the week that you have plans later on in the week, that way she really has no reason to get upset.

Don't worry, you are probably only about as much a dick as she is a bitch, so it should even out!

Medicated-Genius

PaperPlates wrote:

Okay....without getting TOOO personal here, I'm sittin here flippin and am looking for a little input as to whether I'm being unreasonable. Ill try and give the "short version" of my quandry. I just need someone on the outsides opinion. Hope I don't leave anything out, Ill try and be as honest and detailed as I can without going on and on.


As you may or may not know, I'm going through a divorce. I have two kids. I have them with me overnight Sundays, Mondays, and Wednesdays. I also have just my son home with me Tuesdays and Thursdays during the day, to keep daycare costs down. I work almost every weekend, but on occasion when I don't, Ill even offer to take them on a weekend night so the ex can have a night out.

Now, my ex is a teacher. She recently took a new full time postion at a school with about a 45 minute drive. She has to be in at 7:00 am, and the daycare my boy goes to doesn't open until 6:30, and my daughter goes to school at 8:45.

A week before she landed this job, the ex calls me and asks if I mind taking the kids on those days that I don't already have them, which would entail waking up at 6:00 am so she can get to work on time. As I said, I work most weekends, so I dont go out a lot on the weekends. Tuesday and Thursdays are my nights I can, since I don't have the kids those nights and my job doesnt require me to be in until 9:30.......


I said "no problem", and pretty much gave up going out those nights, or at least seriously curbed how late I stay out, (and also I might add bringing anyone home).

No big deal.

Tonight, I wanted to go out with someone, and hoped to be able to have a good night.

So I texted the ex and asked if I could have tommorow morning "off". (Figuring she could ask a friend, ask her mom, whatever), figuring it was at least worth asking.

Her answer? "No, I can't be late to work and besides I don't know whats the big deal about waking up early a few days a week".

Im pissed. If I point out that I'm doing a favor for her, her answer is "well you're their father". Duh. But Ive been doing this as a favor to HER!

Am I a dick for asking? For being mad at her response? Its really hard because you gotta watch how angry your responses are, or she could damn well take me for even more support than we've agreed me to pay, just for spite. I hate being held by the balls like this......


So, am I a dick, or is she being a bit of a bitch? Am I crazy?

Rant over.............input welcomed.

I don't think you're being a dick, nor is she being a bitch. You're both simply feeling the pressure of raising a family, holding down jobs, attempting a social life etc.
I kinda see it like this. You agreed to the arrangement. You could just as easily not have. So, if you want a morning off, it's up to you to make alternate arrangements for the kids. Saying stuff like " I don't see why she can't get her mum or a friend to do it", implies that it's only her problem. And in that respect, I can see how she'd be pissed. For instance, if she wants to go out on a night when she has the kids, and you're not available, it's not then up to you to make arrangements for the kids so she can go.

I have similar problems with my ex. I am a Uni student, he works full time. Prior to starting Uni, we sat down and worked out how we would juggle all those responsibilities and who, how and when we would have the kids. Half way through the year, I started getting guilt trips from him about it all. We'd argue, and he would end up saying, well we have to figure something out. Which translated to " YOU have to figure something out cause I can't hold up my end of the bargain anymore". He never offered solutions, never attempted to make alternate arrangements. That was my job, and anytime he picked the kids up from school, or gave them dinner......... in his mind, he was doing me a favour, rather than simply being a parent. Thankfully, so far this year, my study load isn't so extreme and circumstances have me more available and the kids a little less dependent. This whole parenting deal is tricky. You have to have some really superb organizational skills to pull it off. Whether or not you are parenting as a couple, you're both in the same boat. You both wanna be good parents, your jobs are important and necessary for both of you, and having a bit of a social life when you can get one is a bonus.
Hope it works out for you all.

comebackwoman

the wolf wrote:

just remember to not let the kids know about any of this!!!

Very important point! I think even couples who are still together can have difficulty balancing parenting responsibilities...but it definitely gets amplified once the couple splits. The kids should never feel like a burden or like it's their fault...and they will assume things just by overhearing things. This is an issue between the parents...hopefully they can work it out...unfortunately a lot of times that's easier said then done.


Wolf - sorry to hear about the child you lost.

Allie

Medicated-Genius wrote:

I
I kinda see it like this. You agreed to the arrangement. You could just as easily not have.

.

what MG said...

and I would have called, not texted, IMO

meme

I think you are right that she was out of line. Perhaps next time ask her in advance? Even better, why not choose one night a week that's just for you, period? And then tell her she needs to make other arrangements for that night. Sounds reasonable to me.

yellowled24

PaperPlates wrote:

Im pissed. If I point out that I'm doing a favor for her, her answer is "well you're their father". Duh. But Ive been doing this as a favor to HER!

Am I a dick for asking? For being mad at her response? Its really hard because you gotta watch how angry your responses are, or she could damn well take me for even more support than we've agreed me to pay, just for spite. I hate being held by the balls like this......


So, am I a dick, or is she being a bit of a bitch? Am I crazy?

Rant over.............input welcomed.

I dont think youre being unreasonable...like you said you are doing her a favour, you should be entitled to get cut a little slack.
Tit for tat I say

sponger

dang man I always hate it when I'm like the minority (ie, devils advocate) in a thread but I just feel compelled to say that one day's notice is not cool. I mean sure you're doing her a favor but she's already depending on you in a big way and for her to work around something like that with only a day to make phone calls and arrangements is a pretty demanding thing of you to ask, IMO.

Now, since the two of you are going through a divorce I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of scorekeeping between the two of you, but on the surface it just seems like you unfairly put your personal life ahead of your personal obligations in this case.

After all, she's trying to cope with this new work schedule and now you're putting that much more pressure on her.

And I like I said I don't know the whole background between the two of you, and that's why I'm not quick to judge her for snapping at you the way she did. For all I know, she could be like, "Fuck you want to divorce me because I got fat and now you're slapping me with this extra bullshit?" I mean who really knows.

And I hate to judge people by appearances but I saw your posts in the photo thread and you look like the kind of guy who can pick up 10 chicks without even trying. That just makes it all the much harder to picture you as the victim in this scenario.

PJPixie

sponger wrote:

dang man I always hate it when I'm like the minority (ie, devils advocate) in a thread but I just feel compelled to say that one day's notice is not cool. I mean sure you're doing her a favor but she's already depending on you in a big way and for her to work around something like that with only a day to make phone calls and arrangements is a pretty demanding thing of you to ask, IMO.

Now, since the two of you are going through a divorce I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of scorekeeping between the two of you, but on the surface it just seems like you unfairly put your personal life ahead of your personal obligations in this case.

After all, she's trying to cope with this new work schedule and now you're putting that much more pressure on her.

And I like I said I don't know the whole background between the two of you, and that's why I'm not quick to judge her for snapping at you the way she did. For all I know, she could be like, "Fuck you want to divorce me because I got fat and now you're slapping me with this extra bullshit?" I mean who really knows.

And I hate to judge people by appearances but I saw your posts in the photo thread and you look like the kind of guy who can pick up 10 chicks without even trying. That just makes it all the much harder to picture you as the victim in this scenario.

**goes searching for photo's in that thread***

PaperPlates

foxymop_stupidmop wrote:

Maybe you would have done better to ask her about it a few days before instead of the night before? Not that everything can be planned out so much, but I would in the future tell her at the beginning of the week that you have plans later on in the week, that way she really has no reason to get upset.

Don't worry, you are probably only about as much a dick as she is a bitch, so it should even out!

Fair enough. She has done this to me, and Im always "okay" with it. Meaning, it ticks me off, but I usually try and grin and bear it. She isn't one to grin and bear tho.


Often in my life I try and approach things with the attitude of "be the bigger man", but inevitably I end up feeling like Im so busy bending over backwards that I forget that if I"m not careful I might snap.

Thanks for the input. I would have given her more of a heads up if I'd been able, but a particular girl I'm pretty sweet on called out of the blue (she has kids and a life thats hectic as well) and said she was free. I simply figured it didnt hurt to ask the ex. Seeing as how realistically IM doing her a favor by taking them those mornings to begin with, a simple "jens I can't, sorry" would have been NO PROBLEM. It was the chastising and the belittlement as tho "how dare I ask" that pissed me off.

IDK>

PaperPlates

Allie wrote:

what MG said...

and I would have called, not texted, IMO

Okay. Next time Ill have YOU call. You'll switch to texts right fast.

She's very quick to jump down my throat. She's got a retired mother who will babysit for her on any whim she asks. I KNOW she gets her mom to take the kids if SHE has a date. Thats not my beef. Its how she came at me for even DARING to ask. PS: I asked at 3:00 in the afternoon. Its not like I asked her at midnight.

Allie

PaperPlates wrote:

Okay. Next time Ill have YOU call. You'll switch to texts right fast.

hee hee
I get it
sorry, my bad

PaperPlates

sponger wrote:

dang man I always hate it when I'm like the minority (ie, devils advocate) in a thread but I just feel compelled to say that one day's notice is not cool. I mean sure you're doing her a favor but she's already depending on you in a big way and for her to work around something like that with only a day to make phone calls and arrangements is a pretty demanding thing of you to ask, IMO.

Now, since the two of you are going through a divorce I'm sure this is just the tip of the iceberg in terms of scorekeeping between the two of you, but on the surface it just seems like you unfairly put your personal life ahead of your personal obligations in this case.

After all, she's trying to cope with this new work schedule and now you're putting that much more pressure on her.

And I like I said I don't know the whole background between the two of you, and that's why I'm not quick to judge her for snapping at you the way she did. For all I know, she could be like, "Fuck you want to divorce me because I got fat and now you're slapping me with this extra bullshit?" I mean who really knows.

And I hate to judge people by appearances but I saw your posts in the photo thread and you look like the kind of guy who can pick up 10 chicks without even trying. That just makes it all the much harder to picture you as the victim in this scenario.

Not for nothing, but she's the one who told me that she wanted a divorce. She's the one who said she wanted nothing to do with me. She's the one who told me she wanted to live her own life. She's the one who said she'd be better off alone. Yet IM the one she calls whenever she needs something.


I don't mind bending, but eventually we all can break.



Thanks for the input.

At least I wasn't ripped to shreds for being an ass. At least not about this.

PaperPlates

Allie wrote:

hee hee
I get it
sorry, my bad

No worries.


She's still pretty angry.


I smile for the most part.


I just want to be the best Dad I can be.


Its a relief not having to try and be a good husband.

But its hard trying to be an ex, maybe harder than the husband gig.


:(

sponger

PaperPlates wrote:

Not for nothing, but she's the one who told me that she wanted a divorce. She's the one who said she wanted nothing to do with me. She's the one who told me she wanted to live her own life. She's the one who said she'd be better off alone. Yet IM the one she calls whenever she needs something.


I don't mind bending, but eventually we all can break.



Thanks for the input.

At least I wasn't ripped to shreds for being an ass. At least not about this.

no, man, I am the ass.

Allie

PaperPlates wrote:

Okay. Next time Ill have YOU call. You'll switch to texts right fast.

She's very quick to jump down my throat. She's got a retired mother who will babysit for her on any whim she asks. I KNOW she gets her mom to take the kids if SHE has a date. Thats not my beef. Its how she came at me for even DARING to ask. PS: I asked at 3:00 in the afternoon. Its not like I asked her at midnight.

Of course Grandma will babysit for her daughter
do you have any family of yours close to you?

she told you before that she has to work early and you agreed to the arrangement and to get up at 6:00am! :eek:

If that were me I would've asked if it was ok w/you before I took the job

Allie

PaperPlates wrote:

Not for nothing, but she's the one who told me that she wanted a divorce. She's the one who said she wanted nothing to do with me. She's the one who told me she wanted to live her own life. She's the one who said she'd be better off alone. Yet IM the one she calls whenever she needs something.


quote]
Ouch.

PaperPlates

Allie wrote:

Of course Grandma will babysit for her daughter
do you have any family of yours close to you?

she told you before that she has to work early and you agreed to the arrangement and to get up at 6:00am! :eek:

If that were me I would've asked if it was ok w/you before I took the job

Thats kinda my point. She knew she had this job for weeks. She called me the friday before the monday she started and asked me. What was I gonna say?? No??? Then I WOULD be the ass. Its been 3 months, and other than one week where I went away for a week for work, I havent asked this once.

She however has no problem asking me if its okay if I give the kids back to her after a day I have them "after ten, because I want to go out tonight, and will probably want to sleep in tommorow."

Irony is lost on her.

I have no problem getting up.

ONE time I have something cooking.

So I asked.

Never hurts to ask right?


Apparently WRONG.

:(


Sorry, pity party for Jens over..................................................................................................



starting now.

sponger

PaperPlates wrote:

Not for nothing, but she's the one who told me that she wanted a divorce. She's the one who said she wanted nothing to do with me. She's the one who told me she wanted to live her own life. She's the one who said she'd be better off alone. Yet IM the one she calls whenever she needs something.

So what triggered that behavior from her? She just one day up and went hey I'm sick of you? Fill in the blanks here. Thank you.

PaperPlates

Allie wrote:

Of course Grandma will babysit for her daughter
do you have any family of yours close to you?

she told you before that she has to work early and you agreed to the arrangement and to get up at 6:00am! :eek:

If that were me I would've asked if it was ok w/you before I took the job

No. I don't. Father deceased since I was a kid. Mother who is a basket case and never met my kids. Brother who's got an ex-wife and kids of his own. End of list of family.

Im on my own. Doing my damdest.

She's got me by the balls.

She goes and lives her life on the nights I have the kids, PLUS a minimum of one other night while I don't that her mom takes him.

I gotta have a life too.


Okay................self pity ending.


now




really.



this time




now.





argh

PaperPlates

sponger wrote:

So what triggered that behavior from her? She just one day up and went hey I'm sick of you? Fill in the blanks here. Thank you.

ha! if I could fill in those blanks Im thinking it'd have never happened.


List is long.


Grew apart?

Married too young?


Fear of turning into her parents? ( loveless marriage if there ever was one)

I wasn't a great husband.

Im a good man


A great father.

A terrific friend.

Did I mention lousy husband??

The older we got the less we had in common.


If you haven't walked that mile, you have no idea how bumpy that stretch of road can get..... thats all I can say.

PaperPlates

sponger wrote:

no, man, I am the ass.

why say that?

writersu

wow. well, here's my thoughts on this.....( I read it twice so that I could really think about the whole situation.)

well, I think maybe you would do well to speak to her as reasonably as possible but firmly tell her that since you two are over, you need to move on. (maybe sweeten it up a bit so that you can get what you want) Let her know that you need some predictable time so that you can have some recreation.

Is she dating yet? Because if so I have some thoughts on that.......

writersu

PJPixie wrote:

Divorced Parenting is tough. I have this battle often. I feel guilty for "asking" him things like taking an extra weekend or going to a parent conference, before I've even asked him. Ugh........I don't think you're being a jerk, but you'll have to work things like this out at some point. I'm having this same exact battle this weekend for the ED shows. My ex said he'd watch our boys on Sunday evening but then gave me a guilt trip because it's a school night and I'd be picking the boys up late from him (after ed's show) and they have school at 8am the following morning. Maybe he should consider getting a drivers license and taking them to school himself instead of trying to make me feel guilty for having a nice evening out??!! I have the boys about 93% of the time..........AND I do ALL the driving....taking the kids to him AND picking them up. The EX lives about 25 miles from me/one way....and gas is included in my whole $500 a month child support........yeah, sometimes I get bitter.

yeah, mine is pretty trippy about "time". Time, time, time, pleeeeeease.
maybe these two (not you, Plates) should think about the damage they did to their kids while they were ruining the marriage.

PaperPlates

writersu wrote:

wow. well, here's my thoughts on this.....( I read it twice so that I could really think about the whole situation.)

well, I think maybe you would do well to speak to her as reasonably as possible but firmly tell her that since you two are over, you need to move on. (maybe sweeten it up a bit so that you can get what you want) Let her know that you need some predictable time so that you can have some recreation.

Is she dating yet? Because if so I have some thoughts on that.......

Im pretty sure she is. Sure. She's human too. She needs company. Thats not my issue.

She's kinda presented a pattern of demanding from me what she's not really willing to do in return. Whats a favor from her in her minds eye is a duty for me.

Perhaps I've fed that, and let it happend, but either way I have no idea how to cabosh it without screwing myself over in the long run.

This is pennsylvania. They call it a "womans state". Financially she's got me by the nutz, and whether I like or not, I gotta walk on eggshells around her.

Sigh.

Such is life


At least its not boring right?

Please don't get me wrong, Im no saint. I fuck up too. I get petty.

I've never heard her say sorry in 13 years of knowing her.

Sometimes it feels like I've spent the last 13 years apologizing.



Okay......



self pity over starting now.



This time I mean it.


I think.























I hope.