I have decided to confront my (ex) husband...

FinsburyParkCarrots

I'd just ignore him, now.

zenith

hhhmmm- what to say here....

a few years back i was standing in almost the same spot as you ... two little babies, a mountain of debt thru no fault of my own (unless you count loving someone as your fault) and a drug addicted partner who had no intention of facing up to a thing he had helped cause.

for a year or so i was so angry with him i probably would have said i hated him if you'd asked me how i felt. But that didnt help. it didnt pay the bills, it didnt change what had happened, and it certainly didnt make me feel any better. i moved towns, and i went back to work, in time the bad debt got paid, i bought a house and i now have two happy, confident kids and am in a pretty good spot in life. to be honest, i have probably even forgiven him ... i have seen him and spoken to him a few times in the past year. he's like a different person. but it's horrible to see the person he's become, in contrast to the one he could have been. He has nothing, and im sure he must look at me and be ... i dont know , jealous? that doesnt make me feel better either ... if anything i feel sorry that he has missed out on the life we could have had, and that i have now with our kids.


hate binds two people together just as strongly as love. he's a different person atm, but underneath he is the one that you did once love. I know in his moments of lucidity he probably hates himself for what happened, but thats for him to deal with. going and throwing it all at him is not going to help matters at all. It probably wont even make you feel any better in the long term. If you need closure, you need to get to that point on your own. It feels hard now, but you do get there, trust me.

so my advice to you - let go, make peace within yourself, and get on with your own journey. its hard, but in time you realise its the right thing.

CHANGEinWAVES

zenith wrote:

hhhmmm- what to say here....

a few years back i was standing in almost the same spot as you ... two little babies, a mountain of debt thru no fault of my own (unless you count loving someone as your fault) and a drug addicted partner who had no intention of facing up to a thing he had helped cause.

for a year or so i was so angry with him i probably would have said i hated him if you'd asked me how i felt. But that didnt help. it didnt pay the bills, it didnt change what had happened, and it certainly didnt make me feel any better. i moved towns, and i went back to work, in time the bad debt got paid, i bought a house and i now have two happy, confident kids and am in a pretty good spot in life. to be honest, i have probably even forgiven him ... i have seen him and spoken to him a few times in the past year. he's like a different person. but it's horrible to see the person he's become, in contrast to the one he could have been. He has nothing, and im sure he must look at me and be ... i dont know , jealous? that doesnt make me feel better either ... if anything i feel sorry that he has missed out on the life we could have had, and that i have now with our kids.


hate binds two people together just as strongly as love. he's a different person atm, but underneath he is the one that you did once love. I know in his moments of lucidity he probably hates himself for what happened, but thats for him to deal with. going and throwing it all at him is not going to help matters at all. It probably wont even make you feel any better in the long term. If you need closure, you need to get to that point on your own. It feels hard now, but you do get there, trust me.

so my advice to you - let go, make peace within yourself, and get on with your own journey. its hard, but in time you realise its the right thing.

Thank you for this.
I felt the need to confront him because it feels like he constantly steps on me and my understanding of his addiction and uses it to get to me. I think all of you are right that it will fall on deaf ears but in some way just saying it to him and letting him know that even though I understand the addiction I still feel pain from it. I don't know I guess I'm not in a good place right now, I had a friend who was there for me who no longer is and now I feel even more alone in every situation.

norm

whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger

you will come out of this a better stronger person

unfortunately you have to go through it :(

stay strong and as you can see, we pearl jam fans will be there for ya!

CHANGEinWAVES

cutback wrote:

whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger

you will come out of this a better stronger person

unfortunately you have to go through it :(

stay strong and as you can see, we pearl jam fans will be there for ya!

Thank you...and yes pearl jam fans are great and offer wonderful support.

Foxwell

CHANGEinWAVES,

I considered not replying to this thread (mostly because, by the time I read it, all of my "wisdom" had been dispensed by those wiser than I); however, I decided to go ahead anyway since I do have a perspective that hasn't been mentioned yet. Namely, I've been on the receiving end of the wrath you're contemplating.

A few on this thread have suggested that your feelings (if you decided to unleash them) will fall on "deaf ears."

From personal experience, I have to disagree. I drank hard and I drank often for the better part of a decade. And over those ten years, a handful of people came to me with their feelings in ways that were similar to the way you're considering.

Most notably, my mother called me a "selfish son-of-a-bitch," and a girlfriend I loved very much ended our relationship-- citing my drinking as her primary reason. She said it hurt her too much to see me destroying myself the way I was.

Trust me, it's been over twelve years since anyone informed me that my drinking was causing ruin in her life, but you never forget the sounds of those words. They resonate as clearly as when someone first tells you that they love you.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that it is your duty to tell him how you feel because it might get him sober. It's a cliche, but only he can figure out when or if he's going to stop being a douche bag. I'm simply saying that the echoes of the angry, joyless, heartsick voices of loved ones telling me that I was causing them pain did play a part in my sobriety.

Finally... having said all that... you must do what's best for you. You don't owe him anything. If he gets sober as a result, all the better.

Best of luck. I'll be thinking of you.
Foxwell

P.S. Years later, my mother did acknowledge that she was actually insulting herself when she called me a "selfish son-of-a bitch." Even in my alcohol-addled state of mind, I new better than to point that out at the time.

suns rival

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

Tomorrow about his drug abuse and how he hurt me and everything else involved. I don't know what to say or how to begin, but I think I'm at the point where I need to do this to move on. Any advice or words of inspiration would be greatly appreciated. Thanks:)

finally brandi having the guts to do it...

it's about time brandi...

zenith

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

Thank you for this.
I felt the need to confront him because it feels like he constantly steps on me and my understanding of his addiction and uses it to get to me. I think all of you are right that it will fall on deaf ears but in some way just saying it to him and letting him know that even though I understand the addiction I still feel pain from it. I don't know I guess I'm not in a good place right now, I had a friend who was there for me who no longer is and now I feel even more alone in every situation.

your understanding of his addiction? - you are not his crutch, nor is it up to you to help him anymore.

addicts can be very selfish people - addiction in itself is selfish - its focusing entirely on oneself, while blaming anything and everyone instead of taking responsibility for their own actions. Im not in anyway saying that an addict isnt a worthwhile person - everyone is, or has the potential to be; but untill he's found that place on his own he's making his own choices right now. Bad ones they may be, but he's the one doing it.

of course you understand the addiction - youve lived it right along with him. but again - its his, not yours. i found the sooner you step back and stop feeling guilty for not being able to fix things, the sooner you can move on yourself. Everyone wants to stand by a friend when they need help, but think of this - a drowning person can take you under with them, if you dont have the skills to save them.

I road the leave/come back/leave/comeback merry-go-round for a while there - finally i looked hard at my kids and thought 'do i really want them growing up thinking this is how a family works?'

and of course you are in a horrible place .. i remember feeling so alone, i cut myself off from everyone, i thought things would never get better. but they do, and when they do you find yourself a much stronger person because of it.

norm

Foxwell wrote:

CHANGEinWAVES,

I considered not replying to this thread (mostly because, by the time I read it, all of my "wisdom" had been dispensed by those wiser than I); however, I decided to go ahead anyway since I do have a perspective that hasn't been mentioned yet. Namely, I've been on the receiving end of the wrath you're contemplating.

A few on this thread have suggested that your feelings (if you decided to unleash them) will fall on "deaf ears."

From personal experience, I have to disagree. I drank hard and I drank often for the better part of a decade. And over those ten years, a handful of people came to me with their feelings in ways that were similar to the way you're considering.

Most notably, my mother called me a "selfish son-of-a-bitch," and a girlfriend I loved very much ended our relationship-- citing my drinking as her primary reason. She said it hurt her too much to see me destroying myself the way I was.

Trust me, it's been over twelve years since anyone informed me that my drinking was causing ruin in her life, but you never forget the sounds of those words. They resonate as clearly as when someone first tells you that they love you.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that it is your duty to tell him how you feel because it might get him sober. It's a cliche, but only he can figure out when or if he's going to stop being a douche bag. I'm simply saying that the echoes of the angry, joyless, heartsick voices of loved ones telling me that I was causing them pain did play a part in my sobriety.

Finally... having said all that... you must do what's best for you. You don't owe him anything. If he gets sober as a result, all the better.

Best of luck. I'll be thinking of you.
Foxwell

P.S. Years later, my mother did acknowledge that she was actually insulting herself when she called me a "selfish son-of-a bitch." Even in my alcohol-addled state of mind, I new better than to point that out at the time.

the man has wisdom....pay heed

CHANGEinWAVES

Foxwell wrote:

CHANGEinWAVES,

I considered not replying to this thread (mostly because, by the time I read it, all of my "wisdom" had been dispensed by those wiser than I); however, I decided to go ahead anyway since I do have a perspective that hasn't been mentioned yet. Namely, I've been on the receiving end of the wrath you're contemplating.

A few on this thread have suggested that your feelings (if you decided to unleash them) will fall on "deaf ears."

From personal experience, I have to disagree. I drank hard and I drank often for the better part of a decade. And over those ten years, a handful of people came to me with their feelings in ways that were similar to the way you're considering.

Most notably, my mother called me a "selfish son-of-a-bitch," and a girlfriend I loved very much ended our relationship-- citing my drinking as her primary reason. She said it hurt her too much to see me destroying myself the way I was.

Trust me, it's been over twelve years since anyone informed me that my drinking was causing ruin in her life, but you never forget the sounds of those words. They resonate as clearly as when someone first tells you that they love you.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that it is your duty to tell him how you feel because it might get him sober. It's a cliche, but only he can figure out when or if he's going to stop being a douche bag. I'm simply saying that the echoes of the angry, joyless, heartsick voices of loved ones telling me that I was causing them pain did play a part in my sobriety.

Finally... having said all that... you must do what's best for you. You don't owe him anything. If he gets sober as a result, all the better.

Best of luck. I'll be thinking of you.
Foxwell

P.S. Years later, my mother did acknowledge that she was actually insulting herself when she called me a "selfish son-of-a bitch." Even in my alcohol-addled state of mind, I new better than to point that out at the time.

thank you for sharing...it's nice to hear from someone who has experienced the other end of it. I don't know if I will go thru with it or if i will get the chance even, since he is determined to not come around unless unannounced. I was wondering though, if it would be as effective if I was to write him a letter stating how he has made me feel. PLease share with me your thoughts on this.

CHANGEinWAVES

zenith wrote:

I road the leave/come back/leave/comeback merry-go-round for a while there - finally i looked hard at my kids and thought 'do i really want them growing up thinking this is how a family works?'

this really struck me....and you are right. I don't have children but i have told others to pay attention to what your actions tell your children...and if i am to look at myself that way i can see that what i am doing here is not what i want to be seen.

zenith wrote:

and of course you are in a horrible place .. i remember feeling so alone, i cut myself off from everyone, i thought things would never get better. but they do, and when they do you find yourself a much stronger person because of it.

i am just now reconnecting with people...(though i do cut off when things get hard from time to time). I do hope to be a stronger person after all of this.
thank you for your words.

zenith

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

thank you for sharing...it's nice to hear from someone who has experienced the other end of it. I don't know if I will go thru with it or if i will get the chance even, since he is determined to not come around unless unannounced. I was wondering though, if it would be as effective if I was to write him a letter stating how he has made me feel. PLease share with me your thoughts on this.

hey the letter is a great idea for you, even if you dont pass it on ... is great for giving yourself a great big emotional spring clean. and if you do give it to him, it'll be something for him to read in peace, not spoken anger, and perhaps it'll all sink in a bit

good luck with things

CHANGEinWAVES

zenith wrote:

hey the letter is a great idea for you, even if you dont pass it on ... is great for giving yourself a great big emotional spring clean. and if you do give it to him, it'll be something for him to read in peace, not spoken anger, and perhaps it'll all sink in a bit

good luck with things

thank you:)
i think I will go ahead with the letter....it'll let me set a few things free and i can give it to him and he can read it when he's ready, or not at all, it's up to him.

Foxwell

CHANGEinWAVES wrote:

thank you for sharing...it's nice to hear from someone who has experienced the other end of it. I don't know if I will go thru with it or if i will get the chance even, since he is determined to not come around unless unannounced. I was wondering though, if it would be as effective if I was to write him a letter stating how he has made me feel. PLease share with me your thoughts on this.

Yes, write the letter!

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a bit biased when it it comes to this topic. I'm an English teacher, so I tend to believe that writing is an emotional panacea, and we all should write everyday (my students tend to disagree).

It may not be effective for him, it depends on what kind of addict he is.
(On a side note, on my first day of rehab, my counselor looks at me and says, "Every addict is an asshole. We just have to figure out what kind of asshole you are.").
The problem with a letter is that it easily discarded. However, if he chooses to read it, the letter may be more effective than a verbal confrontation. A letter eliminates or minimizes many variables and distractions: your presence, bystanders, his ego.

Regardless of how he reacts, I strongly believe that writing him a letter will lighten your load.

In a letter, first and foremost, you get to control the topics. If or when you talk to him face-to-face, emotions may get heated between the two of you, and you may end up arguing about something completely different. You also run the risk of experiencing what the French call "esprit d'escalier" (the wit of the staircase) and what Seinfeld called a "Jerk Store" moment. That is, remembering something important you wanted to tell him, after the confrontation is over. With a letter, you are in control.

Also, the best part of writing a letter is that it forces you to focus on what is important. It's why I love the written word: the precision.

When it comes to expressing matters of the heart, you've got three options: You can try to deconstruct and express your emotions through thought, speech, or the written word. Our minds and hearts work at light speed, our mouths work at the speed of sound, but our hands work at more of a canter. Working at a slower pace forces you to consider each word. In fact, when I write from the heart (eulogies, poems, toasts) I use a pencil and pad of paper. The more you force yourself to focus on the words, the more crystallized the emotions. At least that's been my experience.

Anyway, I think the way you're going about this is good. Ask a lot of questions, seek advice from friends and family, but--in the end it doesn't matter what I think--trust your gut.

Until we meet again...

CHANGEinWAVES

Foxwell wrote:

Yes, write the letter!

I'll be the first to admit that I'm a bit biased when it it comes to this topic. I'm an English teacher, so I tend to believe that writing is an emotional panacea, and we all should write everyday (my students tend to disagree).

It may not be effective for him, it depends on what kind of addict he is.
(On a side note, on my first day of rehab, my counselor looks at me and says, "Every addict is an asshole. We just have to figure out what kind of asshole you are.").
The problem with a letter is that it easily discarded. However, if he chooses to read it, the letter may be more effective than a verbal confrontation. A letter eliminates or minimizes many variables and distractions: your presence, bystanders, his ego.

Regardless of how he reacts, I strongly believe that writing him a letter will lighten your load.

In a letter, first and foremost, you get to control the topics. If or when you talk to him face-to-face, emotions may get heated between the two of you, and you may end up arguing about something completely different. You also run the risk of experiencing what the French call "esprit d'escalier" (the wit of the staircase) and what Seinfeld called a "Jerk Store" moment. That is, remembering something important you wanted to tell him, after the confrontation is over. With a letter, you are in control.

Also, the best part of writing a letter is that it forces you to focus on what is important. It's why I love the written word: the precision.

When it comes to expressing matters of the heart, you've got three options: You can try to deconstruct and express your emotions through thought, speech, or the written word. Our minds and hearts work at light speed, our mouths work at the speed of sound, but our hands work at more of a canter. Working at a slower pace forces you to consider each word. In fact, when I write from the heart (eulogies, poems, toasts) I use a pencil and pad of paper. The more you force yourself to focus on the words, the more crystallized the emotions. At least that's been my experience.

Anyway, I think the way you're going about this is good. Ask a lot of questions, seek advice from friends and family, but--in the end it doesn't matter what I think--trust your gut.

Until we meet again...

Thank you for this. This is not only something for me to follow for this situation but in life. I can see why you are a teacher, you are very good at the way you express fact:)
Thank you again:)

fotd

The best way to get to him his be writing a letter. It takes an addict to know an addict. i heard dozens of people who cared deeply about me that i was ruining my life and it was a letter written by my mother that got to me. I threw that letter away a hundred times but would always get it back out of the trash. It didn't sober me right up, but it at least made me see the affect i was having on others. That's the key. Others. I obviously didn't care about myself.
Plus with a letter if he reacts negatively you don't have to experience it.
Good luck.