I road the leave/come back/leave/comeback merry-go-round for a while there - finally i looked hard at my kids and thought 'do i really want them growing up thinking this is how a family works?'
this really struck me....and you are right. I don't have children but i have told others to pay attention to what your actions tell your children...and if i am to look at myself that way i can see that what i am doing here is not what i want to be seen.
and of course you are in a horrible place .. i remember feeling so alone, i cut myself off from everyone, i thought things would never get better. but they do, and when they do you find yourself a much stronger person because of it.
i am just now reconnecting with people...(though i do cut off when things get hard from time to time). I do hope to be a stronger person after all of this.
thank you for your words.
"I'm not present, I'm a drug that makes you dream"
thank you for sharing...it's nice to hear from someone who has experienced the other end of it. I don't know if I will go thru with it or if i will get the chance even, since he is determined to not come around unless unannounced. I was wondering though, if it would be as effective if I was to write him a letter stating how he has made me feel. PLease share with me your thoughts on this.
hey the letter is a great idea for you, even if you dont pass it on ... is great for giving yourself a great big emotional spring clean. and if you do give it to him, it'll be something for him to read in peace, not spoken anger, and perhaps it'll all sink in a bit
hey the letter is a great idea for you, even if you dont pass it on ... is great for giving yourself a great big emotional spring clean. and if you do give it to him, it'll be something for him to read in peace, not spoken anger, and perhaps it'll all sink in a bit
good luck with things
thank you:)
i think I will go ahead with the letter....it'll let me set a few things free and i can give it to him and he can read it when he's ready, or not at all, it's up to him.
"I'm not present, I'm a drug that makes you dream"
thank you for sharing...it's nice to hear from someone who has experienced the other end of it. I don't know if I will go thru with it or if i will get the chance even, since he is determined to not come around unless unannounced. I was wondering though, if it would be as effective if I was to write him a letter stating how he has made me feel. PLease share with me your thoughts on this.
Yes, write the letter!
I'll be the first to admit that I'm a bit biased when it it comes to this topic. I'm an English teacher, so I tend to believe that writing is an emotional panacea, and we all should write everyday (my students tend to disagree).
It may not be effective for him, it depends on what kind of addict he is.
(On a side note, on my first day of rehab, my counselor looks at me and says, "Every addict is an asshole. We just have to figure out what kind of asshole you are.").
The problem with a letter is that it easily discarded. However, if he chooses to read it, the letter may be more effective than a verbal confrontation. A letter eliminates or minimizes many variables and distractions: your presence, bystanders, his ego.
Regardless of how he reacts, I strongly believe that writing him a letter will lighten your load.
In a letter, first and foremost, you get to control the topics. If or when you talk to him face-to-face, emotions may get heated between the two of you, and you may end up arguing about something completely different. You also run the risk of experiencing what the French call "esprit d'escalier" (the wit of the staircase) and what Seinfeld called a "Jerk Store" moment. That is, remembering something important you wanted to tell him, after the confrontation is over. With a letter, you are in control.
Also, the best part of writing a letter is that it forces you to focus on what is important. It's why I love the written word: the precision.
When it comes to expressing matters of the heart, you've got three options: You can try to deconstruct and express your emotions through thought, speech, or the written word. Our minds and hearts work at light speed, our mouths work at the speed of sound, but our hands work at more of a canter. Working at a slower pace forces you to consider each word. In fact, when I write from the heart (eulogies, poems, toasts) I use a pencil and pad of paper. The more you force yourself to focus on the words, the more crystallized the emotions. At least that's been my experience.
Anyway, I think the way you're going about this is good. Ask a lot of questions, seek advice from friends and family, but--in the end it doesn't matter what I think--trust your gut.
Until we meet again...
"In the depths of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
"He who knows only his own side of the case, knows little of that." -- John Stuart Mill
I'll be the first to admit that I'm a bit biased when it it comes to this topic. I'm an English teacher, so I tend to believe that writing is an emotional panacea, and we all should write everyday (my students tend to disagree).
It may not be effective for him, it depends on what kind of addict he is.
(On a side note, on my first day of rehab, my counselor looks at me and says, "Every addict is an asshole. We just have to figure out what kind of asshole you are.").
The problem with a letter is that it easily discarded. However, if he chooses to read it, the letter may be more effective than a verbal confrontation. A letter eliminates or minimizes many variables and distractions: your presence, bystanders, his ego.
Regardless of how he reacts, I strongly believe that writing him a letter will lighten your load.
In a letter, first and foremost, you get to control the topics. If or when you talk to him face-to-face, emotions may get heated between the two of you, and you may end up arguing about something completely different. You also run the risk of experiencing what the French call "esprit d'escalier" (the wit of the staircase) and what Seinfeld called a "Jerk Store" moment. That is, remembering something important you wanted to tell him, after the confrontation is over. With a letter, you are in control.
Also, the best part of writing a letter is that it forces you to focus on what is important. It's why I love the written word: the precision.
When it comes to expressing matters of the heart, you've got three options: You can try to deconstruct and express your emotions through thought, speech, or the written word. Our minds and hearts work at light speed, our mouths work at the speed of sound, but our hands work at more of a canter. Working at a slower pace forces you to consider each word. In fact, when I write from the heart (eulogies, poems, toasts) I use a pencil and pad of paper. The more you force yourself to focus on the words, the more crystallized the emotions. At least that's been my experience.
Anyway, I think the way you're going about this is good. Ask a lot of questions, seek advice from friends and family, but--in the end it doesn't matter what I think--trust your gut.
Until we meet again...
Thank you for this. This is not only something for me to follow for this situation but in life. I can see why you are a teacher, you are very good at the way you express fact:)
Thank you again:)
"I'm not present, I'm a drug that makes you dream"
The best way to get to him his be writing a letter. It takes an addict to know an addict. i heard dozens of people who cared deeply about me that i was ruining my life and it was a letter written by my mother that got to me. I threw that letter away a hundred times but would always get it back out of the trash. It didn't sober me right up, but it at least made me see the affect i was having on others. That's the key. Others. I obviously didn't care about myself.
Plus with a letter if he reacts negatively you don't have to experience it.
Good luck.
I’ve seen Pearl Jam 25 times, Eddie Vedder 9 times, and Brad once.
Comments
thank you for your words.
hey the letter is a great idea for you, even if you dont pass it on ... is great for giving yourself a great big emotional spring clean. and if you do give it to him, it'll be something for him to read in peace, not spoken anger, and perhaps it'll all sink in a bit
good luck with things
i think I will go ahead with the letter....it'll let me set a few things free and i can give it to him and he can read it when he's ready, or not at all, it's up to him.
Yes, write the letter!
I'll be the first to admit that I'm a bit biased when it it comes to this topic. I'm an English teacher, so I tend to believe that writing is an emotional panacea, and we all should write everyday (my students tend to disagree).
It may not be effective for him, it depends on what kind of addict he is.
(On a side note, on my first day of rehab, my counselor looks at me and says, "Every addict is an asshole. We just have to figure out what kind of asshole you are.").
The problem with a letter is that it easily discarded. However, if he chooses to read it, the letter may be more effective than a verbal confrontation. A letter eliminates or minimizes many variables and distractions: your presence, bystanders, his ego.
Regardless of how he reacts, I strongly believe that writing him a letter will lighten your load.
In a letter, first and foremost, you get to control the topics. If or when you talk to him face-to-face, emotions may get heated between the two of you, and you may end up arguing about something completely different. You also run the risk of experiencing what the French call "esprit d'escalier" (the wit of the staircase) and what Seinfeld called a "Jerk Store" moment. That is, remembering something important you wanted to tell him, after the confrontation is over. With a letter, you are in control.
Also, the best part of writing a letter is that it forces you to focus on what is important. It's why I love the written word: the precision.
When it comes to expressing matters of the heart, you've got three options: You can try to deconstruct and express your emotions through thought, speech, or the written word. Our minds and hearts work at light speed, our mouths work at the speed of sound, but our hands work at more of a canter. Working at a slower pace forces you to consider each word. In fact, when I write from the heart (eulogies, poems, toasts) I use a pencil and pad of paper. The more you force yourself to focus on the words, the more crystallized the emotions. At least that's been my experience.
Anyway, I think the way you're going about this is good. Ask a lot of questions, seek advice from friends and family, but--in the end it doesn't matter what I think--trust your gut.
Until we meet again...
"He who knows only his own side of the case, knows little of that." -- John Stuart Mill
"Mongo just a pawn in game of life." -- Mongo
Thank you again:)
Plus with a letter if he reacts negatively you don't have to experience it.
Good luck.