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This situation is REALLY weird...?

harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
edited November 2007 in All Encompassing Trip
You might know that my wife and I are seperated. There have been many issues for a long time, but a large factor is my disability and the major changes and implications that it's had for her life (she is perfectly able-bodied). It has changed it in ways that have changed the dynamic of our relationship, and she now feels as if she cares for me in a brother/sister way rather than in a 'love' way. The journey I've taken to accept this has been surprisingly smooth. Other info is in other threads...

NOW, she has a good friend who is in a wheelchair. She suggests that I invite her out for a coffee and talk to her because I don't know any other disabled people at the moment and it might be nice if we could talk about things from our own perspective. HOWEVER I know that this friend has always had a thing for me (my wife knows it too) and she is very attractive (my wife also knows that I feel like that!). This is made more complicated by the fact that this girl is quite frail, has a degenerative disability which means she is facing new issues all the time - things are getting worse, basically - and I'm worried about 2 things: 1. Would I be inviting her out for a coffee for the wrong reasons? 2. Her disability is getting worse - is it right that I know this and yet still befriend her, with all the potential expectations that might bring?

I don't know it's all just weird.
'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

- the great Sir Leo Harrison
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments

  • Heineken HelenHeineken Helen Posts: 18,095
    look you've just split up with the wife. I'd strongly advise not to make new/old 'friends' who you know there's a chance of something happening. You couldn't possibly be moving on this quick?
    The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
    Verona??? it's all surmountable
    Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
    Wembley? We all believe!
    Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
    Chicago 07? And love
    What a different life
    Had I not found this love with you
  • dunkmandunkman Posts: 19,646
    you think too much... shag someone, anyone
    oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
  • Heineken HelenHeineken Helen Posts: 18,095
    dunkman wrote:
    you think too much... shag someone, anyone
    but not a friend who the wife recommends :o

    The fact that you have to think so hard about this one and there ARE so many possible wrong outcomes... well, I think you have your answer Mark.
    The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
    Verona??? it's all surmountable
    Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
    Wembley? We all believe!
    Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
    Chicago 07? And love
    What a different life
    Had I not found this love with you
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    dunkman wrote:
    you think too much... shag someone, anyone

    LOL dude thanks for your opinion - I just don't want to go trampling over anyone's heart and if two people do that there's got to be some mutual security, know what I'm sayin' blud.
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    Heineken Helen wrote:
    but not a friend who the wife recommends :o

    The fact that you have to think so hard about this one and there ARE so many possible wrong outcomes... well, I think you have your answer Mark.

    Hmmm...

    But is it just that I think too damn much about everything? Because yeah, I do. Maybe I'm just doing it again.
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • Heineken HelenHeineken Helen Posts: 18,095
    harmless_little_f*** wrote:
    LOL dude thanks for your opinion - I just don't want to go trampling over anyone's heart and if two people do that there's got to be some mutual security, know what I'm sayin' blud.
    how can you even be thinking about anyone elses heart right now? Are you sure you're being honest with yourself considering how quickly all this has come about? :o
    The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
    Verona??? it's all surmountable
    Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
    Wembley? We all believe!
    Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
    Chicago 07? And love
    What a different life
    Had I not found this love with you
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    Heineken Helen wrote:
    how can you even be thinking about anyone elses heart right now? Are you sure you're being honest with yourself considering how quickly all this has come about? :o

    It was sort a joke to match a joke - no one's going to be shagging anyone don't worry.

    Except for dunk. He'll be shagging lots of people. :D

    I'm not sure if I'm being honest with myself. Who knows the answer to that? I thought I was being honest with myself when I got married.
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • redrockredrock Posts: 18,341
    Mark.... take a step back here..... Yeah, go and meet people, etc. but not right away one that you know has a thing for you (and that is hot too!). You'll just be on the rebound, a bit desperate if you ask me!

    Chill... take your time.... I think as Dunk says, you're questioning it yourself....
  • dunkmandunkman Posts: 19,646
    Heineken Helen wrote:
    how can you even be thinking about anyone elses heart right now? Are you sure you're being honest with yourself considering how quickly all this has come about? :o

    i totally agree... Mark you seem to have taken this seperation thing too easy.. are you in denial or some other Egyptian river that someone will make a crap joke out of... the Euphrates?... where was I?

    yeah, this has come too quick... dont meet anyone else just now, do NOT get into another woman straight off as thats not fair on her, as much as yourself...and never take relationship advice from Helen or I.
    oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
  • Ms. HaikuMs. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,270
    You know what, though, when kenshunt and I wrote about what our moms were looking like when we came out of our respective operations it was really validating. Not everyone knows what it's like to come out of major surgery. That's a reason why I would like to meet, and why I've basically become obsessed with Brian Roberts. An adult with open heart surgery as a kid - who'd knew I'd find another. I'm sure there are many around, I just never met one.

    What's so bad about talking with someone about some things no one you know may have experienced? If you have a thing for her it's kindof weird that your separated wife is hooking you up. She should live her life, and let you live yours if that's what she wants. She doesn't need to tend to your future happiness. If it's a situation you can talk to someone with a *yes, you understand what I'm talking about* feel to it, then what's so bad about it?
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • edvedder913edvedder913 Posts: 1,810
    To be very honest w/you (I have been separated almost 4 years) - I think you are in a mode of shock right now. You probably do not even realize it. It took me about 4 months before it hit and I know others who have said the same.

    I certainly would not accept that invitation at the moment - it can't possibly have a positive outcome for anyone involved.
  • Heineken HelenHeineken Helen Posts: 18,095
    harmless_little_f*** wrote:
    It was sort a joke to match a joke - no one's going to be shagging anyone don't worry.

    Except for dunk. He'll be shagging lots of people. :D

    I'm not sure if I'm being honest with myself. Who knows the answer to that? I thought I was being honest with myself when I got married.
    don't worry... dunk won't be shagging anybody :)

    but yep, you WERE being honest with yourself when you got married I'm sure... but that was then and this is now. You have to forget about mistakes you may have made in the past or whatever. And I know, I wasn't under the impression you two would be shagging within a couple of days... but the fact that there could be some kinda attraction there... and she is a friend of the wife you have JUST separated from. It's really not a good idea. If it really WERE just meeting cos you're both in the same situation, that may be a good idea... but you know yourself it may have an awful outcome.
    The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
    Verona??? it's all surmountable
    Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
    Wembley? We all believe!
    Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
    Chicago 07? And love
    What a different life
    Had I not found this love with you
  • dunkmandunkman Posts: 19,646
    edvedder913 wrote:
    I certainly would not accept that invitation at the moment - it can't possibly have a positive outcome for anyone involved.


    listen to her Mark... i mean she even has all her past dates listed on her signature... she knows about this stuff :)
    oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    We've talked down to the ground about it, my wife's not 'hooking me up' but saying that there's someone out there who might feel the same, and maybe we could banter it about. That's all. I think it's been easier to do for her because she doesn't love me 'like that' any more.
    Ms. Haiku wrote:
    You know what, though, when kenshunt and I wrote about what our moms were looking like when we came out of our respective operations it was really validating. Not everyone knows what it's like to come out of major surgery. That's a reason why I would like to meet, and why I've basically become obsessed with Brian Roberts. An adult with open heart surgery as a kid - who'd knew I'd find another. I'm sure there are many around, I just never met one.

    What's so bad about talking with someone about some things no one you know may have experienced? If you have a thing for her it's kindof weird that your separated wife is hooking you up. She should live her life, and let you live yours if that's what she wants. She doesn't need to tend to your future happiness. If it's a situation you can talk to someone with a *yes, you understand what I'm talking about* feel to it, then what's so bad about it?
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    Heineken Helen wrote:
    don't worry... dunk won't be shagging anybody :)

    but yep, you WERE being honest with yourself when you got married I'm sure... but that was then and this is now. You have to forget about mistakes you may have made in the past or whatever. And I know, I wasn't under the impression you two would be shagging within a couple of days... but the fact that there could be some kinda attraction there... and she is a friend of the wife you have JUST separated from. It's really not a good idea. If it really WERE just meeting cos you're both in the same situation, that may be a good idea... but you know yourself it may have an awful outcome.

    Yep. I do. :)
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • dunkmandunkman Posts: 19,646
    Heineken Helen wrote:
    don't worry... dunk won't be shagging anybody :)


    nah, just my wife :) (if i pay her enough)


    tell you what though, he has a few women hanging around him doesnt he.. if i was single i'd hire a wheelchair for a weekend... seems to work a treat... either that or pretend to be gay.. women like a challenge... normally the challenge is "who can iron the fastest"... my wife beats me every time at that.


    Mark, ol' amigo, you need to think about YOU for once i feel... you always seem to think about the other person... do something for yourself this time
    oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
  • chimechime Posts: 7,839
    Ms. Haiku wrote:
    You know what, though, when kenshunt and I wrote about what our moms were looking like when we came out of our respective operations it was really validating. Not everyone knows what it's like to come out of major surgery. That's a reason why I would like to meet, and why I've basically become obsessed with Brian Roberts. An adult with open heart surgery as a kid - who'd knew I'd find another. I'm sure there are many around, I just never met one.

    What's so bad about talking with someone about some things no one you know may have experienced? If you have a thing for her it's kindof weird that your separated wife is hooking you up. She should live her life, and let you live yours if that's what she wants. She doesn't need to tend to your future happiness. If it's a situation you can talk to someone with a *yes, you understand what I'm talking about* feel to it, then what's so bad about it?

    I don't know if this would be of interest to you and it is based out of the UK but this is a group http://www.guch.org.uk/ for grown up congenital heart patients it may be based too much on those who are having further surgery but may have some things you can relate to
    So are we strangers now? Like rock and roll and the radio?
  • Heineken HelenHeineken Helen Posts: 18,095
    harmless_little_f*** wrote:
    We've talked down to the ground about it, my wife's not 'hooking me up' but saying that there's someone out there who might feel the same, and maybe we could banter it about. That's all. I think it's been easier to do for her because she doesn't love me 'like that' any more.
    but it's possible SHE'S not being completely honest about her motives. If you think it's a good idea to meet someone else going through the same as you well obviously that really is a good idea... but even the thread title says it all Mark. Not her and not now. I'm sure maybe there are support groups you could get in contact with? Or even other people in wheelchairs on the board perhaps... cos I know you're not the only one... pm's can help a lot. There may even be another forum :eek: specifically for that.

    edit: Oh I see chime's already sorted that one :)
    The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
    Verona??? it's all surmountable
    Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
    Wembley? We all believe!
    Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
    Chicago 07? And love
    What a different life
    Had I not found this love with you
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    Heineken Helen wrote:
    but it's possible SHE'S not being completely honest about her motives. If you think it's a good idea to meet someone else going through the same as you well obviously that really is a good idea... but even the thread title says it all Mark. Not her and not now. I'm sure maybe there are support groups you could get in contact with? Or even other people in wheelchairs on the board perhaps... cos I know you're not the only one... pm's can help a lot. There may even be another forum :eek: specifically for that.

    Well maybe I'll get doing my research :) It would be good to talk to someone but everyone's right, not her, not now.
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • Heineken HelenHeineken Helen Posts: 18,095
    dunkman wrote:

    Mark, ol' amigo, you need to think about YOU for once i feel... you always seem to think about the other person... do something for yourself this time
    I couldn't agree more... Mark you've been one of the more thoughtful people here on this board. even when you've done wrong, you've never needed US to point it out to ya, you've always known yourself and just wanted help to make things right.

    Do something for yourself, come on! :)
    The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
    Verona??? it's all surmountable
    Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
    Wembley? We all believe!
    Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
    Chicago 07? And love
    What a different life
    Had I not found this love with you
  • Heineken HelenHeineken Helen Posts: 18,095
    harmless_little_f*** wrote:
    Well maybe I'll get doing my research :) It would be good to talk to someone but everyone's right, not her, not now.
    Ah if only everyone could take advice as well as you :)

    But don't worry, try that other forum (but briefly and get back here straight away :) ) and you'll find other people in your situation and the rest will come with time. This morning you were posting about how you spent the weekend... and now this. I know coming out of a relationship it can be tempting to move straight along cos you're used to having someone... but you soon find that nobody can be replaced, which is usually what people try to do straight away. Once you give yourself time you'll be looking for somebody new but don't rush it.
    The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
    Verona??? it's all surmountable
    Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
    Wembley? We all believe!
    Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
    Chicago 07? And love
    What a different life
    Had I not found this love with you
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    Heineken Helen wrote:
    I couldn't agree more... Mark you've been one of the more thoughtful people here on this board. even when you've done wrong, you've never needed US to point it out to ya, you've always known yourself and just wanted help to make things right.

    Do something for yourself, come on! :)

    Difficult thing is that you and Dunk could be saying the same thing but meaning something entirely different! ;)
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • Ms. HaikuMs. Haiku Washington DC Posts: 7,270
    Chime wrote:
    I don't know if this would be of interest to you and it is based out of the UK but this is a group http://www.guch.org.uk/ for grown up congenital heart patients it may be based too much on those who are having further surgery but may have some things you can relate to
    Wow! Thank you!
    There is no such thing as leftover pizza. There is now pizza and later pizza. - anonymous
    The risk I took was calculated, but man, am I bad at math - The Mincing Mockingbird
  • Heineken HelenHeineken Helen Posts: 18,095
    harmless_little_f*** wrote:
    Difficult thing is that you and Dunk could be saying the same thing but meaning something entirely different! ;)
    :D Or more than likely we're talking about exactly the same thing... in this instance anyway ;)
    The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
    Verona??? it's all surmountable
    Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
    Wembley? We all believe!
    Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
    Chicago 07? And love
    What a different life
    Had I not found this love with you
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    Heineken Helen wrote:
    :D Or more than likely we're talking about exactly the same thing... in this instance anyway ;)

    Oh gosh I'm confused. You're playing games with me. Back away!
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • soulsingingsoulsinging Posts: 13,202
    sounds to me like the wife is trying to assauge her guilt about leaving by setting you up with your mutual friend who might be better able to cope than she was.
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    soulsinging wrote:
    sounds to me like the wife is trying to assauge her guilt about leaving by setting you up with your mutual friend who might be better able to cope than she was.

    You may be quite right, actually. Good call.
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • Heineken HelenHeineken Helen Posts: 18,095
    harmless_little_f*** wrote:
    You may be quite right, actually. Good call.
    please no... please... please... PLEASE don't take relationship advice from soulsinging :o you'll just end up bitter and twisted :o
    The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
    Verona??? it's all surmountable
    Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
    Wembley? We all believe!
    Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
    Chicago 07? And love
    What a different life
    Had I not found this love with you
  • harmless_little_f***harmless_little_f*** Posts: 8,005
    Heineken Helen wrote:
    please no... please... please... PLEASE don't take relationship advice from soulsinging :o you'll just end up bitter and twisted :o

    LOL I was going to say 'Soulsinging, that might have been the only wise thing I've ever seen you write' but I thought that'd be rude. ;)
    'We're learning songs for baby Jesus' birthday. His mum and dad were Merry and Joseph. He had a bed made of clay and the three kings bought him Gold, Frankenstein and Merv as presents.'

    - the great Sir Leo Harrison
  • redrockredrock Posts: 18,341
    harmless_little_f*** wrote:
    Oh gosh I'm confused. You're playing games with me. Back away!
    They're messing with your mind, Mark. Careful....
This discussion has been closed.