This situation is REALLY weird...?

harmless_little_f***

You might know that my wife and I are seperated. There have been many issues for a long time, but a large factor is my disability and the major changes and implications that it's had for her life (she is perfectly able-bodied). It has changed it in ways that have changed the dynamic of our relationship, and she now feels as if she cares for me in a brother/sister way rather than in a 'love' way. The journey I've taken to accept this has been surprisingly smooth. Other info is in other threads...

NOW, she has a good friend who is in a wheelchair. She suggests that I invite her out for a coffee and talk to her because I don't know any other disabled people at the moment and it might be nice if we could talk about things from our own perspective. HOWEVER I know that this friend has always had a thing for me (my wife knows it too) and she is very attractive (my wife also knows that I feel like that!). This is made more complicated by the fact that this girl is quite frail, has a degenerative disability which means she is facing new issues all the time - things are getting worse, basically - and I'm worried about 2 things: 1. Would I be inviting her out for a coffee for the wrong reasons? 2. Her disability is getting worse - is it right that I know this and yet still befriend her, with all the potential expectations that might bring?

I don't know it's all just weird.

Heineken Helen

look you've just split up with the wife. I'd strongly advise not to make new/old 'friends' who you know there's a chance of something happening. You couldn't possibly be moving on this quick?

dunkman

you think too much... shag someone, anyone

Heineken Helen

dunkman wrote:

you think too much... shag someone, anyone

but not a friend who the wife recommends

The fact that you have to think so hard about this one and there ARE so many possible wrong outcomes... well, I think you have your answer Mark.

harmless_little_f***

dunkman wrote:

you think too much... shag someone, anyone

LOL dude thanks for your opinion - I just don't want to go trampling over anyone's heart and if two people do that there's got to be some mutual security, know what I'm sayin' blud.

harmless_little_f***

Heineken Helen wrote:

but not a friend who the wife recommends

The fact that you have to think so hard about this one and there ARE so many possible wrong outcomes... well, I think you have your answer Mark.

Hmmm...

But is it just that I think too damn much about everything? Because yeah, I do. Maybe I'm just doing it again.

Heineken Helen

harmless_little_f*** wrote:

LOL dude thanks for your opinion - I just don't want to go trampling over anyone's heart and if two people do that there's got to be some mutual security, know what I'm sayin' blud.

how can you even be thinking about anyone elses heart right now? Are you sure you're being honest with yourself considering how quickly all this has come about?

harmless_little_f***

Heineken Helen wrote:

how can you even be thinking about anyone elses heart right now? Are you sure you're being honest with yourself considering how quickly all this has come about?

It was sort a joke to match a joke - no one's going to be shagging anyone don't worry.

Except for dunk. He'll be shagging lots of people.

I'm not sure if I'm being honest with myself. Who knows the answer to that? I thought I was being honest with myself when I got married.

redrock

Mark.... take a step back here..... Yeah, go and meet people, etc. but not right away one that you know has a thing for you (and that is hot too!). You'll just be on the rebound, a bit desperate if you ask me!

Chill... take your time.... I think as Dunk says, you're questioning it yourself....

dunkman

Heineken Helen wrote:

how can you even be thinking about anyone elses heart right now? Are you sure you're being honest with yourself considering how quickly all this has come about?

i totally agree... Mark you seem to have taken this seperation thing too easy.. are you in denial or some other Egyptian river that someone will make a crap joke out of... the Euphrates?... where was I?

yeah, this has come too quick... dont meet anyone else just now, do NOT get into another woman straight off as thats not fair on her, as much as yourself...and never take relationship advice from Helen or I.

Ms. Haiku

You know what, though, when kenshunt and I wrote about what our moms were looking like when we came out of our respective operations it was really validating. Not everyone knows what it's like to come out of major surgery. That's a reason why I would like to meet, and why I've basically become obsessed with Brian Roberts. An adult with open heart surgery as a kid - who'd knew I'd find another. I'm sure there are many around, I just never met one.

What's so bad about talking with someone about some things no one you know may have experienced? If you have a thing for her it's kindof weird that your separated wife is hooking you up. She should live her life, and let you live yours if that's what she wants. She doesn't need to tend to your future happiness. If it's a situation you can talk to someone with a *yes, you understand what I'm talking about* feel to it, then what's so bad about it?

edvedder913

To be very honest w/you (I have been separated almost 4 years) - I think you are in a mode of shock right now. You probably do not even realize it. It took me about 4 months before it hit and I know others who have said the same.

I certainly would not accept that invitation at the moment - it can't possibly have a positive outcome for anyone involved.

Heineken Helen

harmless_little_f*** wrote:

It was sort a joke to match a joke - no one's going to be shagging anyone don't worry.

Except for dunk. He'll be shagging lots of people.

I'm not sure if I'm being honest with myself. Who knows the answer to that? I thought I was being honest with myself when I got married.

don't worry... dunk won't be shagging anybody

but yep, you WERE being honest with yourself when you got married I'm sure... but that was then and this is now. You have to forget about mistakes you may have made in the past or whatever. And I know, I wasn't under the impression you two would be shagging within a couple of days... but the fact that there could be some kinda attraction there... and she is a friend of the wife you have JUST separated from. It's really not a good idea. If it really WERE just meeting cos you're both in the same situation, that may be a good idea... but you know yourself it may have an awful outcome.

dunkman

edvedder913 wrote:

I certainly would not accept that invitation at the moment - it can't possibly have a positive outcome for anyone involved.

listen to her Mark... i mean she even has all her past dates listed on her signature... she knows about this stuff

harmless_little_f***

We've talked down to the ground about it, my wife's not 'hooking me up' but saying that there's someone out there who might feel the same, and maybe we could banter it about. That's all. I think it's been easier to do for her because she doesn't love me 'like that' any more.

Ms. Haiku wrote:

You know what, though, when kenshunt and I wrote about what our moms were looking like when we came out of our respective operations it was really validating. Not everyone knows what it's like to come out of major surgery. That's a reason why I would like to meet, and why I've basically become obsessed with Brian Roberts. An adult with open heart surgery as a kid - who'd knew I'd find another. I'm sure there are many around, I just never met one.

What's so bad about talking with someone about some things no one you know may have experienced? If you have a thing for her it's kindof weird that your separated wife is hooking you up. She should live her life, and let you live yours if that's what she wants. She doesn't need to tend to your future happiness. If it's a situation you can talk to someone with a *yes, you understand what I'm talking about* feel to it, then what's so bad about it?

harmless_little_f***

Heineken Helen wrote:

don't worry... dunk won't be shagging anybody

but yep, you WERE being honest with yourself when you got married I'm sure... but that was then and this is now. You have to forget about mistakes you may have made in the past or whatever. And I know, I wasn't under the impression you two would be shagging within a couple of days... but the fact that there could be some kinda attraction there... and she is a friend of the wife you have JUST separated from. It's really not a good idea. If it really WERE just meeting cos you're both in the same situation, that may be a good idea... but you know yourself it may have an awful outcome.

Yep. I do.

dunkman

Heineken Helen wrote:

don't worry... dunk won't be shagging anybody

nah, just my wife (if i pay her enough)


tell you what though, he has a few women hanging around him doesnt he.. if i was single i'd hire a wheelchair for a weekend... seems to work a treat... either that or pretend to be gay.. women like a challenge... normally the challenge is "who can iron the fastest"... my wife beats me every time at that.


Mark, ol' amigo, you need to think about YOU for once i feel... you always seem to think about the other person... do something for yourself this time

chime

Ms. Haiku wrote:

You know what, though, when kenshunt and I wrote about what our moms were looking like when we came out of our respective operations it was really validating. Not everyone knows what it's like to come out of major surgery. That's a reason why I would like to meet, and why I've basically become obsessed with Brian Roberts. An adult with open heart surgery as a kid - who'd knew I'd find another. I'm sure there are many around, I just never met one.

What's so bad about talking with someone about some things no one you know may have experienced? If you have a thing for her it's kindof weird that your separated wife is hooking you up. She should live her life, and let you live yours if that's what she wants. She doesn't need to tend to your future happiness. If it's a situation you can talk to someone with a *yes, you understand what I'm talking about* feel to it, then what's so bad about it?

I don't know if this would be of interest to you and it is based out of the UK but this is a group http://www.guch.org.uk/ for grown up congenital heart patients it may be based too much on those who are having further surgery but may have some things you can relate to

Heineken Helen

harmless_little_f*** wrote:

We've talked down to the ground about it, my wife's not 'hooking me up' but saying that there's someone out there who might feel the same, and maybe we could banter it about. That's all. I think it's been easier to do for her because she doesn't love me 'like that' any more.

but it's possible SHE'S not being completely honest about her motives. If you think it's a good idea to meet someone else going through the same as you well obviously that really is a good idea... but even the thread title says it all Mark. Not her and not now. I'm sure maybe there are support groups you could get in contact with? Or even other people in wheelchairs on the board perhaps... cos I know you're not the only one... pm's can help a lot. There may even be another forum :eek: specifically for that.

edit: Oh I see chime's already sorted that one

harmless_little_f***

Heineken Helen wrote:

but it's possible SHE'S not being completely honest about her motives. If you think it's a good idea to meet someone else going through the same as you well obviously that really is a good idea... but even the thread title says it all Mark. Not her and not now. I'm sure maybe there are support groups you could get in contact with? Or even other people in wheelchairs on the board perhaps... cos I know you're not the only one... pm's can help a lot. There may even be another forum :eek: specifically for that.

Well maybe I'll get doing my research It would be good to talk to someone but everyone's right, not her, not now.

Heineken Helen

dunkman wrote:

Mark, ol' amigo, you need to think about YOU for once i feel... you always seem to think about the other person... do something for yourself this time

I couldn't agree more... Mark you've been one of the more thoughtful people here on this board. even when you've done wrong, you've never needed US to point it out to ya, you've always known yourself and just wanted help to make things right.

Do something for yourself, come on!