My dad has really hurt me

moxie

24? You are a grown ass man. Act like it. Yeah, it's shady of him to orchestrate that stuff behind your back, but he's probably doing it because he knows he'll have to listen to you cry about not getting to go. I mean, who wants a son that wants to go to the ballet?

josevolution

your dad sounds like an ass you should call him out on it ...let him know how it makes you feel ...

_Crazy_Mary_

moxie wrote:

I mean, who wants a son that wants to go to the ballet?

This made me laugh so hard!

bettermanchick

josevolution wrote:

your dad sounds like an ass you should call him out on it ...let him know how it makes you feel ...

Just make sure that if you do call him out on it, you're prepared with whatever side he chooses. He may realize that you and your sister are getting the shart financially and emotionally. He may say 'Screw it, you've had your childhood, this girl needs a father figure and this woman needs a man. I'm done with you guys." The damage has been done, so to speak, no you just have to be prepared with the "What now?" stuff.

Not to rub salt in your wound here but I've been lucky, creepy lucky in the Mom and Dad and Stepmom issue. The divorce was in 98, the remarriage was in 2002, and my Dad and stepmom actually dated from 1974 - 1978 so they had a history and a life even before I existed. It's a lot of pressure but it actually worked out really well, partially because they knew the kids were the number one priority and not themselves.

iluvcats

stuff with my family was eating away at me, now, my current situation. I am now reading 5 self help books. this is one of them, the happiness makeover. the author quotes a story where a man always looked at the situation like this, "it could be worse." This is so true.

the book is helping me, it is funny, I stumbled upon it when i went to the library with my husband. he was looking for home improvement stuff. i checked it out.
here it is:
http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Makeover-Teach-Yourself-Happy/dp/0767920074/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1204569649&sr=8-1

I hope as you grow older, I hope you don't encounter my situation. My mom and I always clashed. She divorced my dad when I was 5 and she was married almost four times. My mom did not save for retirement and she now lives with me. So chew on that while you are pissed about him going to that ballet, think of me with her living in my house stinking it up and her bad attitude. But I remember the book, it could be worse.

WildChildRose

Malcolm_X wrote:

OK so I'm 24 and my sister is 27. My dads kids are grown adults now. So my dad is in a long distance relationship with this woman who lives about 80 miles away. He goes down every few weekends and visits Her and her daughter.

So I heard my dad talking on the phone a few times about this woman and her 15 year old daughter coming up here to stay for a weekend. So anyway I hear him on the phone with her 15 yr old daughter one night telling her he is going to buy her a new dress and a pair of shoes and take her and her mom to the ballet and the symphony. He's going to take them and buy her htis dress and shoes and his own flesh and blood kids are to his knowledge "un aware" that this is going to happen. So I heard him talking on the phone lsat night his door wide open mind you. Saying that this lady's daughter can sleep in my room and I can stay at my grandarents place. and that I might not like it but oh well. Thank God I'll have my own apartment in June again (I got in a financial mess and had to come back home for a while). He's seriously not inviting me and my sister. Everytime he's on the phone talking about this and he knows I'm near he talks about the plans in vaugue terms.

And I know that this is not some type of mystery surprise for me and my sister we're not invited. When I told my sister about this she goes "Oh yeah ths is like his 'new family'." My dad needs to feel needed and his kids are grown so we don't really need him like we used to. So this is his remedy. And I know your probably thinking well just talk to him. Its not that simple.....my dad is a notorious LIAR!!! He lies and if you catch him in a lie he loses his temper. And I don't really care that he's doing this for these people, but its really as if he has two families why isn't he more open about it?

Damn thats messed up. I understand the temper thing and getting caught in a lie. I hate that response! I sorry that your father isn't being a better father for you. I would be pretty pissed off too. :(

genie

Saturnal wrote:

Your dad is helping you out of a financial mess by letting you live with him, and you're complaining about who he invites to stay in his house? Maybe he could be more open about it, but I'd just be thankful you have a roof over your head right now. It's just the ballet...it's not like he's disowning you.

so what are you saying, when a kid grows up and becomes an adult he's no longer entitled to get support? blood is thicker than water that's what i would say in this instance.

btw, you totally misunderstood what Malcom_X is on about.

norm

edvedder913 wrote:

Sorry to hear you are hurt.

All I can add is that when I went through my divorce I went to a family counselor for my son and I remember him telling me that as soon as they find a new girlfriend, everything becomes about them. All the $ is spent on them, and their kids if they have any - to impress them. he said it happens often. My ex was taking his girlfriend on trips to Aruba, Antigua,and other places - he has yet to take my son on one vacation in the 4 years we've been divorced. It's his only child.

that just pisses me off.....how can someone treat their son like that? :mad:

genie

moxie wrote:

24? You are a grown ass man. Act like it. Yeah, it's shady of him to orchestrate that stuff behind your back, but he's probably doing it because he knows he'll have to listen to you cry about not getting to go. I mean, who wants a son that wants to go to the ballet?

and you, are out of order and sarcastic. it's not his dad's new relationship that bothers OP but his dad's secrecy. I don't know about you but for me honesty and openess and trust is what family should all be about.

Nothing like this ever happened to me, but i can put myself into OP's place, and i can understand what he means by being betrayed.

lalalalaaaaaaaa

genie wrote:

so what are you saying, when a kid grows up and becomes an adult he's no longer entitled to get support? blood is thicker than water that's what i would say in this instance.

btw, you totally misunderstood what Malcom_X is on about.

I'm saying when a kid grows up, he should not complain about things like his dad taking someone to the ballet instead of him. If I was him, I'd just be thankful that his dad is letting him live there since he can't support himself right now.

And no, he's not entitled to get support. That's part of what being an adult means. I'm not saying his dad is a great guy, I just think that's besides the point.

iluvcats

edvedder913 wrote:

My ex was taking his girlfriend on trips to Aruba, Antigua,and other places - he has yet to take my son on one vacation in the 4 years we've been divorced. It's his only child.

I'm really sorry!

Get_Right

dude
I dont know your dad.
But, perhaps he simply doesnt want to share some of his private life with you.
It might feel wierd bringing a girlfriend and her daughter around when the 24 yr old kid is still living at home.

I guess what Im saying is dont create too much negativity about it. Whats the big deal? Are you starving while he is buying bikinis for the daughter?

Otherwise, I dont quite get what the issue is.

genie

Saturnal wrote:

I'm saying when a kid grows up, he should not complain about things like his dad taking someone to the ballet instead of him. If I was him, I'd just be thankful that his dad is letting him live there since he can't support himself right now.

And no, he's not entitled to get support. That's part of what being an adult means. I'm not saying his dad is a great guy, I just think that's besides the point.

ok, i just think family means being there for each other in the times of trouble, spending time together, communicating with each other no matter what age they both are.

I'm sure Malcom was ok about his dad going to the ballet with those other people, what he wasn't ok about is that his dad made it out into a secret, why? why shouldn't his own dad be open to him?

i live with my dad, and i'm glad i live with him, i don't really keep secrets from him, i mean if they are really bad then i would but usually i don't, my dad even knows i smoked pot.

moxie

genie wrote:

and you, are out of order and sarcastic. it's not his dad's new relationship that bothers OP but his dad's secrecy. I don't know about you but for me honesty and openess and trust is what family should all be about.

Nothing like this ever happened to me, but i can put myself into OP's place, and i can understand what he means by being betrayed.

I don't know who the hell OP is, but I can assume you mean Malcom.

If he were 13 and his dad was being secretive then he might have a leg to stand on, but he's 24 years old. I'm 24 and if my parents were doing things they kept from me, I wouldn't care because I'M AN ADULT. And they are adults and are no longer responsible for me.

Out of order? I don't think so. I'm telling the truth. He needs to stop acting like a coddled baby and man up a little.

Motown322

Saturnal wrote:

I'm saying when a kid grows up, he should not complain about things like his dad taking someone to the ballet instead of him. If I was him, I'd just be thankful that his dad is letting him live there since he can't support himself right now.

I'd tend to agree. I don't think the OP should be upset at the secrecy because I'm not sure it's any of the OP's business or if he's "owed" an explanation. He's a 24 year old man, not a little kid.

lalalalaaaaaaaa

genie wrote:

i don't really keep secrets from him, i mean if they are really bad then i would but usually i don't

This is another thing I forgot to mention. Basically, you're saying it's ok to keep secrets from dad, but not ok for him to do the same in reverse. I don't think that's fair. I'm sure the OP has kept things from his dad as we all have at some point or another.

Water is wet, the sky is blue, and people have secrets.

Jeanie

Malcolm just remember that parents get old and they need help usually in their old age, depending on how well your father bothers to participate in his relationship with you right now, you can choose to bugger off and leave him to his new family to look after when that time comes.

You being a grown man and all, and well yeah, now that I think about it, your father being a grown man too, yeah, you don't need to know all his secrets and he doesn't need to know all yours either but he sure as hell don't need to be off whispering like a teenage prom queen down the phone to his "new family" just on account he's stuffed up with you and he's now being led by his dick to a new life.

He's your Dad, do what you can to maintain the relationship but don't be killing yourself for it if he's not making any effort himself. You are just as entitled to his respect as he is to yours. Make him earn it.

josevolution

oh oh this thread does have very explosive ingredients be carefull people ...

John Budge

Is this a joke?

The fucking ballet?

LOL.

halszka123

I don't want to explain Your father, but for a while look at this problem from this side... Your father used to live alone for few years (i guess - U said U came back home) and tried to live his own life, because he knows that U have Your own lifes too. He found woman (with a child...15th girl) and probably he really doesn't realize that he makes U feel upset and that U are jealous.
Maybe it means that U all never been close each other...
Anyway... Don't U think this version can take pace?