My dad has really hurt me
Malcolm_X
Posts: 93
OK so I'm 24 and my sister is 27. My dads kids are grown adults now. So my dad is in a long distance relationship with this woman who lives about 80 miles away. He goes down every few weekends and visits Her and her daughter.
So I heard my dad talking on the phone a few times about this woman and her 15 year old daughter coming up here to stay for a weekend. So anyway I hear him on the phone with her 15 yr old daughter one night telling her he is going to buy her a new dress and a pair of shoes and take her and her mom to the ballet and the symphony. He's going to take them and buy her htis dress and shoes and his own flesh and blood kids are to his knowledge "un aware" that this is going to happen. So I heard him talking on the phone lsat night his door wide open mind you. Saying that this lady's daughter can sleep in my room and I can stay at my grandarents place. and that I might not like it but oh well. Thank God I'll have my own apartment in June again (I got in a financial mess and had to come back home for a while). He's seriously not inviting me and my sister. Everytime he's on the phone talking about this and he knows I'm near he talks about the plans in vaugue terms.
And I know that this is not some type of mystery surprise for me and my sister we're not invited. When I told my sister about this she goes "Oh yeah ths is like his 'new family'." My dad needs to feel needed and his kids are grown so we don't really need him like we used to. So this is his remedy. And I know your probably thinking well just talk to him. Its not that simple.....my dad is a notorious LIAR!!! He lies and if you catch him in a lie he loses his temper. And I don't really care that he's doing this for these people, but its really as if he has two families why isn't he more open about it?
So I heard my dad talking on the phone a few times about this woman and her 15 year old daughter coming up here to stay for a weekend. So anyway I hear him on the phone with her 15 yr old daughter one night telling her he is going to buy her a new dress and a pair of shoes and take her and her mom to the ballet and the symphony. He's going to take them and buy her htis dress and shoes and his own flesh and blood kids are to his knowledge "un aware" that this is going to happen. So I heard him talking on the phone lsat night his door wide open mind you. Saying that this lady's daughter can sleep in my room and I can stay at my grandarents place. and that I might not like it but oh well. Thank God I'll have my own apartment in June again (I got in a financial mess and had to come back home for a while). He's seriously not inviting me and my sister. Everytime he's on the phone talking about this and he knows I'm near he talks about the plans in vaugue terms.
And I know that this is not some type of mystery surprise for me and my sister we're not invited. When I told my sister about this she goes "Oh yeah ths is like his 'new family'." My dad needs to feel needed and his kids are grown so we don't really need him like we used to. So this is his remedy. And I know your probably thinking well just talk to him. Its not that simple.....my dad is a notorious LIAR!!! He lies and if you catch him in a lie he loses his temper. And I don't really care that he's doing this for these people, but its really as if he has two families why isn't he more open about it?
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I'm sorry that your Dad hasn't managed to be a good parent.
You don't deserve it and the loss will be his but it's awful to be in it.
He sounds incredibly emotionally immature. Some fathers are like that. I guess mothers too, but my experience has been with fathers.
Mine got himself a replacement family a few times. He's starting to realize now in his twilight years, the value of his actual family, but I gave up any expectations of him a long time ago. It helped.
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
what an asshole.
people who try to keep secrets like that, know they shouldnt tell you because they know its wrong, but they want to get away with it.
but nice people sw****w
Yeah he is emmotinally immature. He can't deal w/ mainstram society very pessimistic and negative and cynical. I've never even met these people. (Nor do I want to) But its interesting the other night he told me he's been very depressed and he's going back to the Dr. to get prozack. So if I bring this up I'll one make him feel worse and two get in a fight. He tries to put the blame for his feelings on us all the time.
anyway with that being said, i do feel for you. and i hope all works out.
btw maybe he was just telling the girl you may not like it but would deal with it just to ease her mind, maybe she was worried about it, and that was just his way of telling her not to worry about itl
again, sorry, im sure it will all work out.
"To question your government is not unpatriotic --
to not question your government is unpatriotic."
-- Sen. Chuck Hagel
That's how I interpreted it too bud.
Do you have to live with him? Coz I'd say get away from each other for a while.
The other thing I found handy with my Dad, is to just speak the truth plainly and quietly about how I feel about a situation and then walking away or changing the subject. It kinda helped. I used non blaming language and always said "I feel" or "I am" or "I don't like because it makes me feel". I didn't make any direct comment about him or his behaviour. Kept it simple, not blaming and non threatening. It's hard to remember though so I had to practice a bit first. How he feels and deals with you and his world is not your problem. I know that sounds silly but you are not the parent. If he isn't able to be the parent then you need to find ways to parent yourself. It's hard Malcolm and I've been playing this game with my Dad for nearly 40years. I'm lucky it's got better and easier but I don't envy you being at this end of it at all. I'm sorry it's happening to you.
*~You're IT Bert!~*
Hold on to the thread
The currents will shift
Maybe he's just trying to be nice to the daughter as a way to solidify his relationship with the mother? (At least, that's the best angle think of to view this behavior.) It seems likely that he's mostly, um, insensitive.
He would even say "I'd be better off dead!"
Now that I am older, I see how manipulative that was on his part!
He is a holocaust survivior, so I always felt compelled to bite my tongue when he didn't act as fatherly as I wanted, since he had such a fucked-up childhood (to say the least). He ruled with a silent iron fist. He is now a quiet 81 year old man, and after a lot of therapy, I have gotten over most of my anger towards him.
Since you are a grown adult now, it is important to speak your mind to him, but do it from the stand point of how he made you feel, as opposed to him being how he is.
Your needs are important, my friend.
YES THANK YOU If we ever complained growing up it was "Well I guess I just wasn't a good enough father."
He must live with a lot of guilt if he feels the need to be secret about his actions.
Do you ever show him any gratitude?
Perhaps that would make him stop playing the unappreicated vitim?
All I can add is that when I went through my divorce I went to a family counselor for my son and I remember him telling me that as soon as they find a new girlfriend, everything becomes about them. All the $ is spent on them, and their kids if they have any - to impress them. he said it happens often. My ex was taking his girlfriend on trips to Aruba, Antigua,and other places - he has yet to take my son on one vacation in the 4 years we've been divorced. It's his only child.
It is sad but it happens a lot.
I suggest that you and your sister tell him how it makes you feel. perhaps things will change.
Good luck!
Your dad is a grown man with grown children. How is he going behind your back at all? He's letting his 24-year-old son live with him... If you were on your own would you feel like he needs to tell you every damn thing he does? I feel bad for you that you think your dad is hurting you, but I don't see it.
I have a saying, that at least for me rings true.
"Want to feel like a kid again? Hang out with your parents for five minutes, that'll do the trick."
Hell, I'm 33 and got offended that my dad took me out of his top four on myspace. How childish am I? Somethings just never change.
***********************
"We've laid the groundwork. It's like planting the seeds. And next year, it's spring." - Nader
***********************
Prepare for tending to your garden, America.
malcolm, you say you're moving out in June, he's doing you a favour til then so just bear with it. Parents and kids don't always get along but you'll be out of there soon. I have a feeling the other side of this story could be important too though... and possibly whatever he's doing he probably feels like it's the right thing.
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
This made me laugh so hard!
Just make sure that if you do call him out on it, you're prepared with whatever side he chooses. He may realize that you and your sister are getting the shart financially and emotionally. He may say 'Screw it, you've had your childhood, this girl needs a father figure and this woman needs a man. I'm done with you guys." The damage has been done, so to speak, no you just have to be prepared with the "What now?" stuff.
Not to rub salt in your wound here but I've been lucky, creepy lucky in the Mom and Dad and Stepmom issue. The divorce was in 98, the remarriage was in 2002, and my Dad and stepmom actually dated from 1974 - 1978 so they had a history and a life even before I existed. It's a lot of pressure but it actually worked out really well, partially because they knew the kids were the number one priority and not themselves.
u are who who u are
i used to treat you like a lady
now you're my substitute teacher
the book is helping me, it is funny, I stumbled upon it when i went to the library with my husband. he was looking for home improvement stuff. i checked it out.
here it is:
http://www.amazon.com/Happiness-Makeover-Teach-Yourself-Happy/dp/0767920074/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1204569649&sr=8-1
I hope as you grow older, I hope you don't encounter my situation. My mom and I always clashed. She divorced my dad when I was 5 and she was married almost four times. My mom did not save for retirement and she now lives with me. So chew on that while you are pissed about him going to that ballet, think of me with her living in my house stinking it up and her bad attitude. But I remember the book, it could be worse.
8/08 - Ed solo in DC, 6/09 Ed in B'more,
10/10 - Brad in B'more
Damn thats messed up. I understand the temper thing and getting caught in a lie. I hate that response! I sorry that your father isn't being a better father for you. I would be pretty pissed off too. :(
so what are you saying, when a kid grows up and becomes an adult he's no longer entitled to get support? blood is thicker than water that's what i would say in this instance.
btw, you totally misunderstood what Malcom_X is on about.
that just pisses me off.....how can someone treat their son like that? :mad:
and you, are out of order and sarcastic. it's not his dad's new relationship that bothers OP but his dad's secrecy. I don't know about you but for me honesty and openess and trust is what family should all be about.
Nothing like this ever happened to me, but i can put myself into OP's place, and i can understand what he means by being betrayed.
And no, he's not entitled to get support. That's part of what being an adult means. I'm not saying his dad is a great guy, I just think that's besides the point.