My dad has really hurt me

Malcolm_X

OK so I'm 24 and my sister is 27. My dads kids are grown adults now. So my dad is in a long distance relationship with this woman who lives about 80 miles away. He goes down every few weekends and visits Her and her daughter.

So I heard my dad talking on the phone a few times about this woman and her 15 year old daughter coming up here to stay for a weekend. So anyway I hear him on the phone with her 15 yr old daughter one night telling her he is going to buy her a new dress and a pair of shoes and take her and her mom to the ballet and the symphony. He's going to take them and buy her htis dress and shoes and his own flesh and blood kids are to his knowledge "un aware" that this is going to happen. So I heard him talking on the phone lsat night his door wide open mind you. Saying that this lady's daughter can sleep in my room and I can stay at my grandarents place. and that I might not like it but oh well. Thank God I'll have my own apartment in June again (I got in a financial mess and had to come back home for a while). He's seriously not inviting me and my sister. Everytime he's on the phone talking about this and he knows I'm near he talks about the plans in vaugue terms.

And I know that this is not some type of mystery surprise for me and my sister we're not invited. When I told my sister about this she goes "Oh yeah ths is like his 'new family'." My dad needs to feel needed and his kids are grown so we don't really need him like we used to. So this is his remedy. And I know your probably thinking well just talk to him. Its not that simple.....my dad is a notorious LIAR!!! He lies and if you catch him in a lie he loses his temper. And I don't really care that he's doing this for these people, but its really as if he has two families why isn't he more open about it?

lalalalaaaaaaaa

Your dad is helping you out of a financial mess by letting you live with him, and you're complaining about who he invites to stay in his house? Maybe he could be more open about it, but I'd just be thankful you have a roof over your head right now. It's just the ballet...it's not like he's disowning you.

Jeanie

:( Sometimes parents suck Malcolm.

I'm sorry that your Dad hasn't managed to be a good parent.

You don't deserve it and the loss will be his but it's awful to be in it.

He sounds incredibly emotionally immature. Some fathers are like that. I guess mothers too, but my experience has been with fathers.
Mine got himself a replacement family a few times. He's starting to realize now in his twilight years, the value of his actual family, but I gave up any expectations of him a long time ago. It helped.

Malcolm_X

Ballet and symphony.....no he knows he's going behind his kids backs. Why hasn't he told us??? He knows its wrong but does it anyway.

justjoshingu

i wont dance around it malcolm


what an asshole.
people who try to keep secrets like that, know they shouldnt tell you because they know its wrong, but they want to get away with it.

Malcolm_X

Jeanie wrote:

:( Sometimes parents suck Malcolm.

I'm sorry that your Dad hasn't managed to be a good parent.

You don't deserve it and the loss will be his but it's awful to be in it.

He sounds incredibly emotionally immature. Some fathers are like that. I guess mothers too, but my experience has been with fathers.
Mine got himself a replacement family a few times. He's starting to realize now in his twilight years, the value of his actual family, but I gave up any expectations of him a long time ago. It helped.

Yeah he is emmotinally immature. He can't deal w/ mainstram society very pessimistic and negative and cynical. I've never even met these people. (Nor do I want to) But its interesting the other night he told me he's been very depressed and he's going back to the Dr. to get prozack. So if I bring this up I'll one make him feel worse and two get in a fight. He tries to put the blame for his feelings on us all the time.

Malcolm_X

Oh and he is also planning on taking this girl bathing suite shopping in the spring and he pays for her cell phone.

the wolf

i dont know what the big deal is. you said yourself that you and your sister are grown adults. these people are in his life, and i dont think he has to be upfront about his personal life at all. i can see where that may bother you, and i do understand that. it just seems like you may be making a bigger issue out of it then it needs to be. thats my opinion and i dont know all the facts.

anyway with that being said, i do feel for you. and i hope all works out.

btw maybe he was just telling the girl you may not like it but would deal with it just to ease her mind, maybe she was worried about it, and that was just his way of telling her not to worry about itl

again, sorry, im sure it will all work out.

MattCameronKicksButt

the wolf wrote:

i dont know what the big deal is. you said yourself that you and your sister are grown adults. these people are in his life, and i dont think he has to be upfront about his personal life at all. i can see where that may bother you, and i do understand that. it just seems like you may be making a bigger issue out of it then it needs to be. thats my opinion and i dont know all the facts.

anyway with that being said, i do feel for you. and i hope all works out.

btw maybe he was just telling the girl you may not like it but would deal with it just to ease her mind, maybe she was worried about it, and that was just his way of telling her not to worry about itl

again, sorry, im sure it will all work out.

That's how I interpreted it too bud. You sound like a chip off the old block to me.

Jeanie

Malcolm_X wrote:

Yeah he is emmotinally immature. He can't deal w/ mainstram society very pessimistic and negative and cynical. I've never even met these people. (Nor do I want to) But its interesting the other night he told me he's been very depressed and he's going back to the Dr. to get prozack. So if I bring this up I'll one make him feel worse and two get in a fight. He tries to put the blame for his feelings on us all the time.

Do you have to live with him? Coz I'd say get away from each other for a while.
The other thing I found handy with my Dad, is to just speak the truth plainly and quietly about how I feel about a situation and then walking away or changing the subject. It kinda helped. I used non blaming language and always said "I feel" or "I am" or "I don't like because it makes me feel". I didn't make any direct comment about him or his behaviour. Kept it simple, not blaming and non threatening. It's hard to remember though so I had to practice a bit first. How he feels and deals with you and his world is not your problem. I know that sounds silly but you are not the parent. If he isn't able to be the parent then you need to find ways to parent yourself. It's hard Malcolm and I've been playing this game with my Dad for nearly 40years. I'm lucky it's got better and easier but I don't envy you being at this end of it at all. I'm sorry it's happening to you.

justam

Malcolm_X, I am sorry to hear another story of your parents being less than good. I hope you manage to get through this okay. :(

Maybe he's just trying to be nice to the daughter as a way to solidify his relationship with the mother? (At least, that's the best angle think of to view this behavior.) It seems likely that he's mostly, um, insensitive.

Malcolm_X

I dunno, I mean I don't mind that he buys them this stuff and does this stuff, but its all in secrecy. What are you trying to hide??? Its like a stab in the back.

JOEJOEJOE

My dad was always closed-off emotionally, and if I ever called him out on something, he'd say "No matter what I do, its not good enough for you kids".

He would even say "I'd be better off dead!"

Now that I am older, I see how manipulative that was on his part!

He is a holocaust survivior, so I always felt compelled to bite my tongue when he didn't act as fatherly as I wanted, since he had such a fucked-up childhood (to say the least). He ruled with a silent iron fist. He is now a quiet 81 year old man, and after a lot of therapy, I have gotten over most of my anger towards him.

Since you are a grown adult now, it is important to speak your mind to him, but do it from the stand point of how he made you feel, as opposed to him being how he is.

Your needs are important, my friend.

Malcolm_X

JOEJOEJOE wrote:

My dad was always closed-off emotionally, and if I ever called him out on something, he'd say "No matter what I do, its not good enough for you kids".

He would even say "I'd be better off dead!"

Now that I am older, I see how manipulative that was on his part!

He is a holocaust survivior, so I always felt compelled to bite my tongue when he didn't act as fatherly as I wanted, since he had such a fucked-up childhood (to say the least). He ruled with a silent iron fist. He is now a quiet 81 year old man, and after a lot of therapy, I have gotten over most of my anger towards him.

Since you are a grown adult now, it is important to speak your mind to him, but do it from the stand point of how he made you feel, as opposed to him being how he is.

Your needs are important, my friend.

YES THANK YOU If we ever complained growing up it was "Well I guess I just wasn't a good enough father."

JOEJOEJOE

Malcolm_X wrote:

I dunno, I mean I don't mind that he buys them this stuff and does this stuff, but its all in secrecy. What are you trying to hide??? Its like a stab in the back.

He must live with a lot of guilt if he feels the need to be secret about his actions.

Malcolm_X

My sister said it best "He's manipulative and deceitful." And he loves to be in control and likes to take credit for things he's never done. Like "You wouldn't be in college if it weren't for me." I got you to where you are now." (Oh so you filled out the FAFSA registered my classes graduated highschool for me, picked my college classes and major, paid for my books, sent in the application and 75 dollar fee and stdied and did all my homework)

JOEJOEJOE

Malcolm_X wrote:

My sister said it best "He's manipulative and deceitful." And he loves to be in control and likes to take credit for things he's never done. Like "You wouldn't be in college if it weren't for me." I got you to where you are now." (Oh so you filled out the FAFSA registered my classes graduated highschool for me, picked my college classes and major, paid for my books, sent in the application and 75 dollar fee and stdied and did all my homework)

Do you ever show him any gratitude?

Perhaps that would make him stop playing the unappreicated vitim?

edvedder913

Sorry to hear you are hurt.

All I can add is that when I went through my divorce I went to a family counselor for my son and I remember him telling me that as soon as they find a new girlfriend, everything becomes about them. All the $ is spent on them, and their kids if they have any - to impress them. he said it happens often. My ex was taking his girlfriend on trips to Aruba, Antigua,and other places - he has yet to take my son on one vacation in the 4 years we've been divorced. It's his only child.

It is sad but it happens a lot.

I suggest that you and your sister tell him how it makes you feel. perhaps things will change.

Good luck!

_Crazy_Mary_

wtf?!
Your dad is a grown man with grown children. How is he going behind your back at all? He's letting his 24-year-old son live with him... If you were on your own would you feel like he needs to tell you every damn thing he does? I feel bad for you that you think your dad is hurting you, but I don't see it.

Urban Hiker

It's hard not to take what our parents do personally, even as adults.

I have a saying, that at least for me rings true.

"Want to feel like a kid again? Hang out with your parents for five minutes, that'll do the trick."

Hell, I'm 33 and got offended that my dad took me out of his top four on myspace. How childish am I? Somethings just never change.

Heineken Helen

JOEJOEJOE wrote:

My dad was always closed-off emotionally, and if I ever called him out on something, he'd say "No matter what I do, its not good enough for you kids".

He would even say "I'd be better off dead!"

Now that I am older, I see how manipulative that was on his part!

He is a holocaust survivior, so I always felt compelled to bite my tongue when he didn't act as fatherly as I wanted, since he had such a fucked-up childhood (to say the least). He ruled with a silent iron fist. He is now a quiet 81 year old man, and after a lot of therapy, I have gotten over most of my anger towards him.

Since you are a grown adult now, it is important to speak your mind to him, but do it from the stand point of how he made you feel, as opposed to him being how he is.

Your needs are important, my friend.

My mother's pretty similar... she'd often say the only thing she EVER did wrong was marrying my father and having us :rolleyes: . You get over these things though.

malcolm, you say you're moving out in June, he's doing you a favour til then so just bear with it. Parents and kids don't always get along but you'll be out of there soon. I have a feeling the other side of this story could be important too though... and possibly whatever he's doing he probably feels like it's the right thing.