GF Problems :( Sorry

TuningOut

...

Ledbetterman10

TuningOut wrote:

Hello,

First time poster, long time reader (i.e. 8+ years).

you've been reading this crap for 8 years?

share

My advice to you and all those that are going through women trouble
is to go play for the other team and see if that solves your problems.

pouch15

TuningOut wrote:

Hello,

First time poster, long time reader (i.e. 8+ years).

I have being going through some troubled times with my GF for the past few months and after seeing all the great advice you guys gave Rock’In Canada, I decided to post my dilemma.

I was with my GF for 4 ½ years. In my opinion things were great throughout most of the relationship. We even bought a condo together last summer. A few months ago she approached me saying she didn’t think our relationship was working and that she wanted to end it. This totally came out of nowhere and I was shocked as all hell. After discussing in further detail I found that the problems we were having were mainly caused by our working schedules. I work day shifts she works afternoons/nights so we barely see each other during the week. We tried to work through this for a few months, and truly things were great. Maybe even better than they ever were. Than she came to me saying things are better but she still wanted to end our relationship and try to find herself. Here’s a little background. She came to Canada with her mom when she was a baby after her father left her mother. Since she was a child, the mother would verbally and physically abuse my GF. Telling her how she ruined her life by keeping her, pouring boiling water on her, she’s never hugged/kissed or told her daughter she loved her in her entire life. There is so much more to this as well. Anywho, my GF says her mom always held her down and when she moved out from her mom she moved directly in with me. She never got to see if she could “make it on her own” and be self-sufficient and experience things on her own. So, due to all this she wants to break it off and try to “find herself”. I tell her I completely understand her situation and that I support her on her decision but why are you throwing away a great relationship to accomplish this when we can work something out where you get your freedom to explore and we stay together. She denies and says she’s not sure she’s still in love with me and says that let’s just stay friends and maybe we will be back together again. I agree to remain friends with her because truthfully we are each other’s best friends and have a lot of fun and feel really comfortable around each other. So, now a couple months have passed and she has moved out. Our friendship is GREAT and we are getting along really well maybe better than ever. However, I am really torn. I do still love this girl and the truth is I’m kind of waiting for her to comeback to me. But, on the other hand I’m really scared that I’m going to waste a lot of time waiting for her for nothing and in the end just get hurt even more. What should I do? She is giving me a lot of mixed messages. She’s staying with her mom and hasn’t started to look for her own place, which leads me to believe she’s still considering coming back. She doesn’t want her down payment on the condo back, her cat still lives with me, a lot of personal belongings are still at our condo, she stays with me for 3-4 nights a week, we still go on weekend get aways together. I know I have been rambling a lot but I’m really confused and just looking for some advice.

Dont see her anymore, you wont be able to carry on with your life, you have hope.

Rygar

Ledbetterman10 wrote:

you've been reading this crap for 8 years?

hahahahahahaha

TuningOut - sounds like the end of the road for that relationship, to me at least. I think you're waiting for something that won't happen.
Good luck to you, I hope you get it worked out for the better.

WindyCityFlyer

PARAGRAPHS! Please, for the love of my eyes.

markymark550

TuningOut wrote:

She doesn’t want her down payment on the condo back, her cat still lives with me, a lot of personal belongings are still at our condo, she stays with me for 3-4 nights a week, we still go on weekend get aways together.

To me, this sounds like she hasn't really decided what she wants to do. It seems like she's enjoying having some personal independence, but doesn't know if she wants complete independence (from you or her mother).


I think you need to discuss your relationship and the issues/questions that you have. Don't go in with ultimatums and the like, just ask her to discuss things so that you know where you both stand.

meme

Sorry about the bullshit comments above.

I am sorry you are going through this, it must be really difficult.
I understand that you want to be there for her, but for your sake I would suggest a clean break for a few months. I have been trhough a similar situation many years ago. I was best friends with someone, then we were together, then back to friends. It just wasn't working for me cause I was the one hanging and hoping. So I decided not to see him anymore (it helped that he had started going out with someone else ). This was the person I was spending most of my free time with, but I just stopped. I had to.
In your case, it could be forcing her to make up her mind (I can't believe she would prefer her mother to you...), or could give you the strength to move on.

Sorry again...

PJPixie

Ledbetterman10 wrote:

you've been reading this crap for 8 years?

LMAO!!


But yeah, it's time to move on as hard as that may sound.
Easier said than done. Good Luck to you.

share

meme wrote:

Sorry about the bullshit comments above.

I've never made a bullshit comment here. ever. seriously.

meme

share wrote:

I've never made a bullshit comment here. ever. seriously.

Whatever, master bullshiter, we love you anyway.

jbalicki10

I have 2 words for you: RUN AWAY

I know it sounds harsh. Being in a relationship with someone who has unresolved emotional issues is a ticking timebomb. Doesn't mean it can't work, but eventually if not resolved.... kablooey... This will not end well.

holtz

You can still be friends with her but continue on with your life, go out with other people, meet new women, have fun. She seems like she is going to have issues her whole life with how her mom treated her so sitting around waiting for her to come back seems like a waste of time and will only hurt you more in the long run.

Get_Right

you need to go out and get some strange right away

seriously-she left you man. Dont waste a whole lot of energy on how you could get her back or what you did wrong. There are no easy answers.
break ups suck when it isnt mutual-thats life

Cherish what you had but dont beat yourself up. Accept it and move on. If she comes back to you, then assess what you want at that time. Otherwise

get busy living, or get busy dying.

CityMouse

I understand her reasoning for breaking up, it makes sense. If she's not sure she's in love with you and feels the need to experience herself then she really made the right decision. I have seen A HUGE PERCENTAGE of people I know who got married in their 20s also get divorced in their 20s because they feel they didn't experience enough on their own.

But...she definitely is trying to have her cake and eat it too. She wanted to break up with you for good reasons, but she seems she's still clinging to the having a boyfriend lifestyle. Not good.

I think you need to tell her she either has to move out/break up or not. I think the staying with you 3 times a week and going away together is the biggest problem. These are things couples do, not friends. You can still be friends but you need to draw the line. She can't have it both ways. I am usually in favor of gray areas in relationships, but I don't think the way you have it will ever do anyone any good.

Other than that, I say move on and start acting like a single guy. Maybe you two will get back together, maybe not. But don't count on it. Get her to move out (she really hasn't yet- how hard is it to get her stuff out???). I'm not saying you have to go out and start dating and hooking with everyone, but just consider yourself single. Live the No GF lifestyle. It will probably be good for you too.

meistereder

My opinion -- don't ever be in the position of waiting on someone else to decide your fate. That's not what relationships are about.

Also, be very careful about trying to save someone you can't save. Been there, and it takes years of working on yourself to break out of that cycle.

comebackwoman

She's clearly confused...and ambivalent about what she wants. She's trying to figure out what she wants...so what do YOU want? Knowing that you can't control her decision...based on how things are right now, what do you want and need to be happy? Decide what your limits are in terms of giving her space, etc. Instead of focusing on what she may need...shift your focus to yourself...and once you've sorted that out - tell her. Then let her make her choices from there.

clark_kent

TuningOut wrote:

Hello,

First time poster, long time reader (i.e. 8+ years).

I have being going through some troubled times with my GF for the past few months and after seeing all the great advice you guys gave Rock’In Canada, I decided to post my dilemma.

I was with my GF for 4 ½ years. In my opinion things were great throughout most of the relationship. We even bought a condo together last summer. A few months ago she approached me saying she didn’t think our relationship was working and that she wanted to end it. This totally came out of nowhere and I was shocked as all hell. After discussing in further detail I found that the problems we were having were mainly caused by our working schedules. I work day shifts she works afternoons/nights so we barely see each other during the week. We tried to work through this for a few months, and truly things were great. Maybe even better than they ever were. Than she came to me saying things are better but she still wanted to end our relationship and try to find herself. Here’s a little background. She came to Canada with her mom when she was a baby after her father left her mother. Since she was a child, the mother would verbally and physically abuse my GF. Telling her how she ruined her life by keeping her, pouring boiling water on her, she’s never hugged/kissed or told her daughter she loved her in her entire life. There is so much more to this as well. Anywho, my GF says her mom always held her down and when she moved out from her mom she moved directly in with me. She never got to see if she could “make it on her own” and be self-sufficient and experience things on her own. So, due to all this she wants to break it off and try to “find herself”. I tell her I completely understand her situation and that I support her on her decision but why are you throwing away a great relationship to accomplish this when we can work something out where you get your freedom to explore and we stay together. She denies and says she’s not sure she’s still in love with me and says that let’s just stay friends and maybe we will be back together again. I agree to remain friends with her because truthfully we are each other’s best friends and have a lot of fun and feel really comfortable around each other. So, now a couple months have passed and she has moved out. Our friendship is GREAT and we are getting along really well maybe better than ever. However, I am really torn. I do still love this girl and the truth is I’m kind of waiting for her to comeback to me. But, on the other hand I’m really scared that I’m going to waste a lot of time waiting for her for nothing and in the end just get hurt even more. What should I do? She is giving me a lot of mixed messages. She’s staying with her mom and hasn’t started to look for her own place, which leads me to believe she’s still considering coming back. She doesn’t want her down payment on the condo back, her cat still lives with me, a lot of personal belongings are still at our condo, she stays with me for 3-4 nights a week, we still go on weekend get aways together. I know I have been rambling a lot but I’m really confused and just looking for some advice.

i have no idea what to make of the fact that she moved in with her mother after what you said. that sounds like either she's trying to reconcile or being manipulated by her. it certainly does not seem to support the whole "finding herself" thing, so i suspect her splitting with you has other reasons than just her exploring before coming back and settling down with you.

which leads to my second idea. you might want to rethink being friends. you're not friends. you may think you're great friends, but you're just trying to be cheerful and appealing in the hopes she will come back. i've been there. and it is REALLY going to hurt when she sees someone else.

but i would start by figuring out why she moved back in with mom. she could have stuck with you until she found her own place. makes me think it was more about getting away from you than getting out on her own, which indicates it's already over and you need to move on. unless there's something going on with mom she hasn't told you about.

Cree Nations

TuningOut wrote:

Hello,

First time poster, long time reader (i.e. 8+ years).

I have being going through some troubled times with my GF for the past few months and after seeing all the great advice you guys gave Rock’In Canada, I decided to post my dilemma.

I was with my GF for 4 ½ years. In my opinion things were great throughout most of the relationship. We even bought a condo together last summer. A few months ago she approached me saying she didn’t think our relationship was working and that she wanted to end it. This totally came out of nowhere and I was shocked as all hell. After discussing in further detail I found that the problems we were having were mainly caused by our working schedules. I work day shifts she works afternoons/nights so we barely see each other during the week. We tried to work through this for a few months, and truly things were great. Maybe even better than they ever were. Than she came to me saying things are better but she still wanted to end our relationship and try to find herself. Here’s a little background. She came to Canada with her mom when she was a baby after her father left her mother. Since she was a child, the mother would verbally and physically abuse my GF. Telling her how she ruined her life by keeping her, pouring boiling water on her, she’s never hugged/kissed or told her daughter she loved her in her entire life. There is so much more to this as well. Anywho, my GF says her mom always held her down and when she moved out from her mom she moved directly in with me. She never got to see if she could “make it on her own” and be self-sufficient and experience things on her own. So, due to all this she wants to break it off and try to “find herself”. I tell her I completely understand her situation and that I support her on her decision but why are you throwing away a great relationship to accomplish this when we can work something out where you get your freedom to explore and we stay together. She denies and says she’s not sure she’s still in love with me and says that let’s just stay friends and maybe we will be back together again. I agree to remain friends with her because truthfully we are each other’s best friends and have a lot of fun and feel really comfortable around each other. So, now a couple months have passed and she has moved out. Our friendship is GREAT and we are getting along really well maybe better than ever. However, I am really torn. I do still love this girl and the truth is I’m kind of waiting for her to comeback to me. But, on the other hand I’m really scared that I’m going to waste a lot of time waiting for her for nothing and in the end just get hurt even more. What should I do? She is giving me a lot of mixed messages. She’s staying with her mom and hasn’t started to look for her own place, which leads me to believe she’s still considering coming back. She doesn’t want her down payment on the condo back, her cat still lives with me, a lot of personal belongings are still at our condo, she stays with me for 3-4 nights a week, we still go on weekend get aways together. I know I have been rambling a lot but I’m really confused and just looking for some advice.

well that is tough. Relationships, no matter what the stage are ALWAYS difficult. In this case, I would have to say continue to be her friend but go on with your life and dont let it lay in limbo for her. If it happens, it happens, it is pretty much out of your hands and in hers.
I would even go as far as to break your connection with her, as difficult as it may be.....you will find out faster than later how much you really mean to her. Sounds like you've done what you could but its that stupid old adage .....if she comes back to you, it was meant to be, if she does'nt then let her go.
You have to continue leading your life.
Good luck.

lalalalaaaaaaaa

TuningOut wrote:

So, now a couple months have passed and she has moved out.
...
I’m really scared that I’m going to waste a lot of time waiting for her for nothing and in the end just get hurt even more.

You've already wasted a lot of time...2 months. In my mind, there's NEVER a good enough reason to wait around for someone that long. Really, think about what you're torn between. You can't count on someone else's "love" or whatever to make your life complete and wonderful...you should be doing that on your own, all the time, regardless of who's going along with you for the ride. I know it's extra-kickass having a companion to ride with, but it's still kickass without one if you make it that way.

smithnic

Ledbetterman10 wrote:

you've been reading this crap for 8 years?

I so love that that is the first reply!
So good!!