Home› All Encompassing Trip

GF Problems :( Sorry

TuningOutTuningOut Posts: 12
edited March 2016 in All Encompassing Trip
...
Post edited by TuningOut on
«1

Comments

  • Ledbetterman10Ledbetterman10 Posts: 16,941
    TuningOut wrote:
    Hello,

    First time poster, long time reader (i.e. 8+ years).


    you've been reading this crap for 8 years?
    2000: Camden 1, 2003: Philly, State College, Camden 1, MSG 2, Hershey, 2004: Reading, 2005: Philly, 2006: Camden 1, 2, East Rutherford 1, 2007: Lollapalooza, 2008: Camden 1, Washington D.C., MSG 1, 2, 2009: Philly 1, 2, 3, 4, 2010: Bristol, MSG 2, 2011: PJ20 1, 2, 2012: Made In America, 2013: Brooklyn 2, Philly 2, 2014: Denver, 2015: Global Citizen Festival, 2016: Philly 2, Fenway 1, 2018: Fenway 1, 2, 2021: Sea. Hear. Now. 2022: Camden, 2024: Philly 2

    Pearl Jam bootlegs:
    http://wegotshit.blogspot.com
  • shareshare Posts: 551
    My advice to you and all those that are going through women trouble
    is to go play for the other team and see if that solves your problems.
    we're all sentient snowflakes
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I'm a number that doesn't count
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    the nothing ventured - the nothing feigned
  • pouch15pouch15 Posts: 436
    TuningOut wrote:
    Hello,

    First time poster, long time reader (i.e. 8+ years).

    I have being going through some troubled times with my GF for the past few months and after seeing all the great advice you guys gave Rock’In Canada, I decided to post my dilemma.

    I was with my GF for 4 ½ years. In my opinion things were great throughout most of the relationship. We even bought a condo together last summer. A few months ago she approached me saying she didn’t think our relationship was working and that she wanted to end it. This totally came out of nowhere and I was shocked as all hell. After discussing in further detail I found that the problems we were having were mainly caused by our working schedules. I work day shifts she works afternoons/nights so we barely see each other during the week. We tried to work through this for a few months, and truly things were great. Maybe even better than they ever were. Than she came to me saying things are better but she still wanted to end our relationship and try to find herself. Here’s a little background. She came to Canada with her mom when she was a baby after her father left her mother. Since she was a child, the mother would verbally and physically abuse my GF. Telling her how she ruined her life by keeping her, pouring boiling water on her, she’s never hugged/kissed or told her daughter she loved her in her entire life. There is so much more to this as well. Anywho, my GF says her mom always held her down and when she moved out from her mom she moved directly in with me. She never got to see if she could “make it on her own” and be self-sufficient and experience things on her own. So, due to all this she wants to break it off and try to “find herself”. I tell her I completely understand her situation and that I support her on her decision but why are you throwing away a great relationship to accomplish this when we can work something out where you get your freedom to explore and we stay together. She denies and says she’s not sure she’s still in love with me and says that let’s just stay friends and maybe we will be back together again. I agree to remain friends with her because truthfully we are each other’s best friends and have a lot of fun and feel really comfortable around each other. So, now a couple months have passed and she has moved out. Our friendship is GREAT and we are getting along really well maybe better than ever. However, I am really torn. I do still love this girl and the truth is I’m kind of waiting for her to comeback to me. But, on the other hand I’m really scared that I’m going to waste a lot of time waiting for her for nothing and in the end just get hurt even more. What should I do? She is giving me a lot of mixed messages. She’s staying with her mom and hasn’t started to look for her own place, which leads me to believe she’s still considering coming back. She doesn’t want her down payment on the condo back, her cat still lives with me, a lot of personal belongings are still at our condo, she stays with me for 3-4 nights a week, we still go on weekend get aways together. I know I have been rambling a lot but I’m really confused and just looking for some advice.
    Dont see her anymore, you wont be able to carry on with your life, you have hope.
  • RygarRygar Posts: 8,690
    Ledbetterman10 wrote:
    you've been reading this crap for 8 years?
    hahahahahahaha

    TuningOut - sounds like the end of the road for that relationship, to me at least. I think you're waiting for something that won't happen.
    Good luck to you, I hope you get it worked out for the better.
  • WindyCityFlyerWindyCityFlyer Posts: 244
    PARAGRAPHS! Please, for the love of my eyes.
    They say I'm rappin like BIG, jay, and tupac
    Andre 3000 where is eryka badu at
    Who dat
    Who dat said dey gon beat lil wayne
    My name ain't Bic but I keep dat flame man

    2008 CHICAGO CUBS MAGIC NUMBER = 62

    BEAR DOWN!!!!!
  • markymark550markymark550 Columbia, SC Posts: 5,179
    TuningOut wrote:
    She doesn’t want her down payment on the condo back, her cat still lives with me, a lot of personal belongings are still at our condo, she stays with me for 3-4 nights a week, we still go on weekend get aways together.
    To me, this sounds like she hasn't really decided what she wants to do. It seems like she's enjoying having some personal independence, but doesn't know if she wants complete independence (from you or her mother).


    I think you need to discuss your relationship and the issues/questions that you have. Don't go in with ultimatums and the like, just ask her to discuss things so that you know where you both stand.
  • memememe Posts: 4,695
    Sorry about the bullshit comments above.

    I am sorry you are going through this, it must be really difficult.
    I understand that you want to be there for her, but for your sake I would suggest a clean break for a few months. I have been trhough a similar situation many years ago. I was best friends with someone, then we were together, then back to friends. It just wasn't working for me cause I was the one hanging and hoping. So I decided not to see him anymore (it helped that he had started going out with someone else :o). This was the person I was spending most of my free time with, but I just stopped. I had to.
    In your case, it could be forcing her to make up her mind (I can't believe she would prefer her mother to you...), or could give you the strength to move on.

    Sorry again...
    ... and the will to show I will always be better than before.
  • PJPixiePJPixie Posts: 3,026
    Ledbetterman10 wrote:
    you've been reading this crap for 8 years?


    LMAO!!


    But yeah, it's time to move on as hard as that may sound.
    Easier said than done. Good Luck to you.
    The best use of Life is Love.
    The best expression of Love is Time.
    The best time to Love is Now.


    I'm never as good as when you're there.........
  • shareshare Posts: 551
    meme wrote:
    Sorry about the bullshit comments above.

    I've never made a bullshit comment here. ever. seriously.

    ;)
    we're all sentient snowflakes
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    I'm a number that doesn't count
    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    the nothing ventured - the nothing feigned
  • memememe Posts: 4,695
    share wrote:
    I've never made a bullshit comment here. ever. seriously.

    ;)

    Whatever, master bullshiter, we love you anyway.
    ... and the will to show I will always be better than before.
  • jbalicki10jbalicki10 Posts: 517
    I have 2 words for you: RUN AWAY

    I know it sounds harsh. Being in a relationship with someone who has unresolved emotional issues is a ticking timebomb. Doesn't mean it can't work, but eventually if not resolved.... kablooey... This will not end well.
  • holtzholtz Posts: 509
    You can still be friends with her but continue on with your life, go out with other people, meet new women, have fun. She seems like she is going to have issues her whole life with how her mom treated her so sitting around waiting for her to come back seems like a waste of time and will only hurt you more in the long run.
  • Get_RightGet_Right Posts: 13,494
    you need to go out and get some strange right away

    seriously-she left you man. Dont waste a whole lot of energy on how you could get her back or what you did wrong. There are no easy answers.
    break ups suck when it isnt mutual-thats life

    Cherish what you had but dont beat yourself up. Accept it and move on. If she comes back to you, then assess what you want at that time. Otherwise

    get busy living, or get busy dying.
  • CityMouseCityMouse Posts: 1,010
    I understand her reasoning for breaking up, it makes sense. If she's not sure she's in love with you and feels the need to experience herself then she really made the right decision. I have seen A HUGE PERCENTAGE of people I know who got married in their 20s also get divorced in their 20s because they feel they didn't experience enough on their own.

    But...she definitely is trying to have her cake and eat it too. She wanted to break up with you for good reasons, but she seems she's still clinging to the having a boyfriend lifestyle. Not good.

    I think you need to tell her she either has to move out/break up or not. I think the staying with you 3 times a week and going away together is the biggest problem. These are things couples do, not friends. You can still be friends but you need to draw the line. She can't have it both ways. I am usually in favor of gray areas in relationships, but I don't think the way you have it will ever do anyone any good.

    Other than that, I say move on and start acting like a single guy. Maybe you two will get back together, maybe not. But don't count on it. Get her to move out (she really hasn't yet- how hard is it to get her stuff out???). I'm not saying you have to go out and start dating and hooking with everyone, but just consider yourself single. Live the No GF lifestyle. It will probably be good for you too.
  • meisteredermeistereder Posts: 1,577
    My opinion -- don't ever be in the position of waiting on someone else to decide your fate. That's not what relationships are about.

    Also, be very careful about trying to save someone you can't save. Been there, and it takes years of working on yourself to break out of that cycle.
    San Diego 10/25/00, Mountain View 6/1/03, Santa Barbara 10/28/03, Northwest School 3/18/05, San Diego 7/7/06, Los Angeles 7/9/06, 7/10/06, Honolulu (U2) 12/9/06, Santa Barbara (EV) 4/10/08, Los Angeles (EV) 4/12/08, Hartford 6/27/08, Mansfield 6/28/08, VH1 Rock Honors The Who 7/12/08, Seattle 9/21/09, Universal City 9/30/09, 10/1/09, 10/6/09, 10/7/09, San Diego 10/9/09, Los Angeles (EV) 7/8/11, Santa Barbara (EV) 7/9/11, Chicago 7/19/13, San Diego 11/21/13, Los Angeles 11/23/13, 11/24/13, Oakland 11/26/13, Chicago 8/22/16, Missoula 8/13/18, Boston 9/2/18, Los Angeles 2/25/22 (EV), San Diego 5/3/22, Los Angeles 5/6/22, 5/7/22, Imola 6/25/22, Los Angeles 5/21/24, [London 6/29/24], [Boston 9/15/24]
  • comebackwomancomebackwoman Posts: 7,271
    She's clearly confused...and ambivalent about what she wants. She's trying to figure out what she wants...so what do YOU want? Knowing that you can't control her decision...based on how things are right now, what do you want and need to be happy? Decide what your limits are in terms of giving her space, etc. Instead of focusing on what she may need...shift your focus to yourself...and once you've sorted that out - tell her. Then let her make her choices from there.
    There's a light when my baby's in my arms :)
  • clark_kentclark_kent Posts: 166
    TuningOut wrote:
    Hello,

    First time poster, long time reader (i.e. 8+ years).

    I have being going through some troubled times with my GF for the past few months and after seeing all the great advice you guys gave Rock’In Canada, I decided to post my dilemma.

    I was with my GF for 4 ½ years. In my opinion things were great throughout most of the relationship. We even bought a condo together last summer. A few months ago she approached me saying she didn’t think our relationship was working and that she wanted to end it. This totally came out of nowhere and I was shocked as all hell. After discussing in further detail I found that the problems we were having were mainly caused by our working schedules. I work day shifts she works afternoons/nights so we barely see each other during the week. We tried to work through this for a few months, and truly things were great. Maybe even better than they ever were. Than she came to me saying things are better but she still wanted to end our relationship and try to find herself. Here’s a little background. She came to Canada with her mom when she was a baby after her father left her mother. Since she was a child, the mother would verbally and physically abuse my GF. Telling her how she ruined her life by keeping her, pouring boiling water on her, she’s never hugged/kissed or told her daughter she loved her in her entire life. There is so much more to this as well. Anywho, my GF says her mom always held her down and when she moved out from her mom she moved directly in with me. She never got to see if she could “make it on her own” and be self-sufficient and experience things on her own. So, due to all this she wants to break it off and try to “find herself”. I tell her I completely understand her situation and that I support her on her decision but why are you throwing away a great relationship to accomplish this when we can work something out where you get your freedom to explore and we stay together. She denies and says she’s not sure she’s still in love with me and says that let’s just stay friends and maybe we will be back together again. I agree to remain friends with her because truthfully we are each other’s best friends and have a lot of fun and feel really comfortable around each other. So, now a couple months have passed and she has moved out. Our friendship is GREAT and we are getting along really well maybe better than ever. However, I am really torn. I do still love this girl and the truth is I’m kind of waiting for her to comeback to me. But, on the other hand I’m really scared that I’m going to waste a lot of time waiting for her for nothing and in the end just get hurt even more. What should I do? She is giving me a lot of mixed messages. She’s staying with her mom and hasn’t started to look for her own place, which leads me to believe she’s still considering coming back. She doesn’t want her down payment on the condo back, her cat still lives with me, a lot of personal belongings are still at our condo, she stays with me for 3-4 nights a week, we still go on weekend get aways together. I know I have been rambling a lot but I’m really confused and just looking for some advice.

    i have no idea what to make of the fact that she moved in with her mother after what you said. that sounds like either she's trying to reconcile or being manipulated by her. it certainly does not seem to support the whole "finding herself" thing, so i suspect her splitting with you has other reasons than just her exploring before coming back and settling down with you.

    which leads to my second idea. you might want to rethink being friends. you're not friends. you may think you're great friends, but you're just trying to be cheerful and appealing in the hopes she will come back. i've been there. and it is REALLY going to hurt when she sees someone else.

    but i would start by figuring out why she moved back in with mom. she could have stuck with you until she found her own place. makes me think it was more about getting away from you than getting out on her own, which indicates it's already over and you need to move on. unless there's something going on with mom she hasn't told you about.
    "You've never been out of college, you don't know what it's like out there. I've worked in the private sector... they expect results." -Ray

    Denny Crane!
  • Cree NationsCree Nations Posts: 2,247
    TuningOut wrote:
    Hello,

    First time poster, long time reader (i.e. 8+ years).

    I have being going through some troubled times with my GF for the past few months and after seeing all the great advice you guys gave Rock’In Canada, I decided to post my dilemma.

    I was with my GF for 4 ½ years. In my opinion things were great throughout most of the relationship. We even bought a condo together last summer. A few months ago she approached me saying she didn’t think our relationship was working and that she wanted to end it. This totally came out of nowhere and I was shocked as all hell. After discussing in further detail I found that the problems we were having were mainly caused by our working schedules. I work day shifts she works afternoons/nights so we barely see each other during the week. We tried to work through this for a few months, and truly things were great. Maybe even better than they ever were. Than she came to me saying things are better but she still wanted to end our relationship and try to find herself. Here’s a little background. She came to Canada with her mom when she was a baby after her father left her mother. Since she was a child, the mother would verbally and physically abuse my GF. Telling her how she ruined her life by keeping her, pouring boiling water on her, she’s never hugged/kissed or told her daughter she loved her in her entire life. There is so much more to this as well. Anywho, my GF says her mom always held her down and when she moved out from her mom she moved directly in with me. She never got to see if she could “make it on her own” and be self-sufficient and experience things on her own. So, due to all this she wants to break it off and try to “find herself”. I tell her I completely understand her situation and that I support her on her decision but why are you throwing away a great relationship to accomplish this when we can work something out where you get your freedom to explore and we stay together. She denies and says she’s not sure she’s still in love with me and says that let’s just stay friends and maybe we will be back together again. I agree to remain friends with her because truthfully we are each other’s best friends and have a lot of fun and feel really comfortable around each other. So, now a couple months have passed and she has moved out. Our friendship is GREAT and we are getting along really well maybe better than ever. However, I am really torn. I do still love this girl and the truth is I’m kind of waiting for her to comeback to me. But, on the other hand I’m really scared that I’m going to waste a lot of time waiting for her for nothing and in the end just get hurt even more. What should I do? She is giving me a lot of mixed messages. She’s staying with her mom and hasn’t started to look for her own place, which leads me to believe she’s still considering coming back. She doesn’t want her down payment on the condo back, her cat still lives with me, a lot of personal belongings are still at our condo, she stays with me for 3-4 nights a week, we still go on weekend get aways together. I know I have been rambling a lot but I’m really confused and just looking for some advice.
    well that is tough. Relationships, no matter what the stage are ALWAYS difficult. In this case, I would have to say continue to be her friend but go on with your life and dont let it lay in limbo for her. If it happens, it happens, it is pretty much out of your hands and in hers.
    I would even go as far as to break your connection with her, as difficult as it may be.....you will find out faster than later how much you really mean to her. Sounds like you've done what you could but its that stupid old adage .....if she comes back to you, it was meant to be, if she does'nt then let her go.
    You have to continue leading your life.
    Good luck.
    >>>>
    >
    ...a lover and a fighter.
    "I'm at least half a bum" Rocky Balboa

    http://www.videosift.com/video/Obamas-Message-To-American-Indians

    Edmonton, AB. September 5th, 2005
    Vancouver, BC. April 3rd, 2008
    Calgary,AB. August 8th, 2009
  • lalalalaaaaaaaalalalalaaaaaaaa Posts: 2,445
    TuningOut wrote:
    So, now a couple months have passed and she has moved out.
    ...
    I’m really scared that I’m going to waste a lot of time waiting for her for nothing and in the end just get hurt even more.
    You've already wasted a lot of time...2 months. In my mind, there's NEVER a good enough reason to wait around for someone that long. Really, think about what you're torn between. You can't count on someone else's "love" or whatever to make your life complete and wonderful...you should be doing that on your own, all the time, regardless of who's going along with you for the ride. I know it's extra-kickass having a companion to ride with, but it's still kickass without one if you make it that way.
  • smithnicsmithnic Posts: 1,563
    Ledbetterman10 wrote:
    you've been reading this crap for 8 years?


    I so love that that is the first reply!
    So good!!
    Go Get 'Em Tigers!
  • CityMouseCityMouse Posts: 1,010
    Saturnal wrote:
    You've already wasted a lot of time...2 months. In my mind, there's NEVER a good enough reason to wait around for someone that long. Really, think about what you're torn between. You can't count on someone else's "love" or whatever to make your life complete and wonderful...you should be doing that on your own, all the time, regardless of who's going along with you for the ride. I know it's extra-kickass having a companion to ride with, but it's still kickass without one if you make it that way.

    Exactly Saturnal!
    Sometimes having someone can even make it LESS kick-ass.
    A point people often overlook- there's no rule that says you HAVE to be with someone (or that you should always be moving toward that).
  • OffHeGoes29OffHeGoes29 Posts: 1,240
    Sounds like she has a lot of personal issues......none of which should be for you to deal with unless she wants to be with you. Don't let this pull you in any more and waste your time. Sounds like she is just keep you around for a shoulder to cry on and to hold a spot open for her to come running back to when her plan didn't work out. There are a lot of selfish people out there, and you should be one of them, so do whats best for you and cut your losses. 4+ years is a long time, and I feel for you that you spent a lot of time and energy into this relationship. I've seen this shit time and time again with people, your problem is not unique. Stop "keeping the light on" for this women, shes an adult, and so are you, time to move on, she had her chance with you. If you believe you gave it 100% for the 4 years, then you should feel proud of you efforts, but don't waste any more effort wanting her back. There is some other girl out there that is more than willing to be by your side.

    Hang in there man, and be strong. If someone wants to be with you, then give it your effort, but don't waste another minute on some one that doesn't want you in there life.
    BRING BACK THE WHALE
  • OffHeGoes29OffHeGoes29 Posts: 1,240
    Oh, and sorry to say this but words like “make it on her own” & “find herself” are just vague ways of saying she doesn't want to be with you in a relationship. People can “make it on her own” & “find themselves" while being in a relationship, I did.

    "find out what happens when people stop being polite... and start getting real..."

    Sorry, I had to use that, couldn't pass it up....
    BRING BACK THE WHALE
  • CityMouseCityMouse Posts: 1,010
    OffHeGoes29 wrote:
    People can “make it on her own” & “find themselves" while being in a relationship, I did.

    true, but it is also true that many people want to experience living alone and supporting themselves at some point in their lives. If you go straight from your parents' house to basically a marriage living situation, you really miss out on that aspect.
  • OffHeGoes29OffHeGoes29 Posts: 1,240
    CityMouse wrote:
    true, but it is also true that many people want to experience living alone and supporting themselves at some point in their lives. If you go straight from your parents' house to basically a marriage living situation, you really miss out on that aspect.

    Yeah, situations like that are usually due to maturity and rushing into a situation with out knowing themselves as an adult yet. My opinion is that if someone truly loves and wants to be with someone, nothing will stand in the way of that. And if they are in a healthy relationship, one can meet their personal goals with out ditching the other person. The only reason someone becomes dependant on another person is if they let themselves be. Unless you are physically unable to provide for yourself, there is no reason why someone should depend on the significant other to "carry" them.

    Sorry to say this, but the ability to make money is the only thing that defines a physical dependence. Unless you have kids, then you focus should be them.....but once again, people loose sight of that. BUT everything else is just a state of mind.

    In my small amount of experience with my own relationships,
    and a lot of experience from my own family, I think people like to use these things as excuses to avoid tell people their real feelings.
    BRING BACK THE WHALE
  • OffHeGoes29OffHeGoes29 Posts: 1,240
    jbalicki10 wrote:
    I have 2 words for you: RUN AWAY

    I know it sounds harsh. Being in a relationship with someone who has unresolved emotional issues is a ticking timebomb. Doesn't mean it can't work, but eventually if not resolved.... kablooey... This will not end well.

    Couldn't say it better myself
    BRING BACK THE WHALE
  • RolandTD20KdrummerRolandTD20Kdrummer Posts: 13,066
    not enough money...manhood to small...or she's just insane...

    one of those three...
    Progress is not made by everyone joining some new fad,
    and reveling in it's loyalty. It's made by forming coalitions
    over specific principles, goals, and policies.

    http://i36.tinypic.com/66j31x.jpg

    (\__/)
    ( o.O)
    (")_(")
  • RolandTD20KdrummerRolandTD20Kdrummer Posts: 13,066
    Ledbetterman10 wrote:
    you've been reading this crap for 8 years?

    Possibly the best post I've seen so far this year...
    Progress is not made by everyone joining some new fad,
    and reveling in it's loyalty. It's made by forming coalitions
    over specific principles, goals, and policies.

    http://i36.tinypic.com/66j31x.jpg

    (\__/)
    ( o.O)
    (")_(")
  • OffHeGoes29OffHeGoes29 Posts: 1,240
    RolandTD20Kdrummer wrote:
    not enough money...manhood to small...or she's just insane...

    one of those three...

    What if its all three?


    Well then, I'm fucked
    BRING BACK THE WHALE
  • clark_kentclark_kent Posts: 166
    CityMouse wrote:
    true, but it is also true that many people want to experience living alone and supporting themselves at some point in their lives. If you go straight from your parents' house to basically a marriage living situation, you really miss out on that aspect.

    except she didnt do that. she moved back in with her mom. there's something else going on here.
    "You've never been out of college, you don't know what it's like out there. I've worked in the private sector... they expect results." -Ray

    Denny Crane!
Sign In or Register to comment.