deep thoughts, by jack handey

sweet adeline

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

–Jack Handey

Dissidentman

sweet adeline wrote:

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

–Jack Handey

That's awesome

Samule

sweet adeline wrote:

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was getting pretty late.

–Jack Handey

who is this jack handey? and why isn't he my uncle?

sweet adeline

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

sweet adeline

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

norm

If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude. That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
-Jack Handey

Lizard

hahahahaha.

that's awesome!!

sweet adeline

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

norm

Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage guy.
- Jack Handey

anotherclone

I love Jack Handey. That Disney one is CLASSIC! I have 3 books by him in my desk at work. When we're having a crappy day, I do an e-mail blast to everyone. I'm sure they hate it, but it makes me laugh.

"You know what makes a good story? Something about a clown that makes people happy, but inside he's really sad. Also he has severe diarrhea."

Solat13

Instead of having 'answers' on a math test, they should just call them 'impressions' and it you got a different 'impression' so what, can't we all be brothers?

norm

If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you.
- Jack Handey

SENROCK

sweet adeline wrote:

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

LOVE THIS!!!!

nfanel

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

Gremmie95

If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.



Children need encouragement. If a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way he develops a good, lucky feeling.



Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.



Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.



I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver. and since he is so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real quick and give it to him.



Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?



If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.



Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.



I can't stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, "Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?" or "Do you have that $50 you borrowed?" Man, quit being so cheap!



I think the mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.



If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.



I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.



If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, throw one of those small pumpkins. Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.

norm

To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?"
you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
- Jack Handey

sweet adeline

Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.

-jack handey

Solat13

Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked anyway; that's my point.

norm

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
- Jack Handey

nfanel

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

Lizard

SENROCK! wrote:

LOVE THIS!!!!

Hey---try that with Spydee and tell us how it goes!!

norm

nfanel wrote:

One day one of my little nephews came up to me and asked me if the equator was a real line that went around the Earth, or just an imaginary one. I had to laugh. Laugh and laugh. Because I didn't know, and I thought that maybe by laughing he would forget what he asked me.

k i've actually done this...:eek:

Solat13

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

nfanel

cutback wrote:

k i've actually done this...:eek:

does it work??

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then when somebody comes up act like they just woke up and go, 'What was THAT?!'"

norm

nfanel wrote:

does it work??

yeah....just laugh and laugh and then distract them with something else....i had very inquisitive nieces and nephews....now they're on to me....;)

SENROCK

Lizard wrote:

Hey---try that with Spydee and tell us how it goes!!

pffft u think i havnt???

sennin

Ever read his stuff in Outside magazine?

sennin

sennin wrote:

Ever read his stuff in Outside magazine?

http://outside.away.com/outside/culture/200710/the-big-idea-mount-everest.html

http://outside.away.com/outside/culture/200610/fishing-jack-handy.html

nfanel

sennin wrote:

http://outside.away.com/outside/culture/200710/the-big-idea-mount-everest.html

http://outside.away.com/outside/culture/200610/fishing-jack-handy.html

funny.
To be honest, you don't really need the ice-pick thing, but it looks cool in photos.

I have climbed using oxygen and without oxygen. Once I climbed using helium, so my voice would sound funny.

norm

nfanel wrote:

funny.
To be honest, you don't really need the ice-pick thing, but it looks cool in photos.

I have climbed using oxygen and without oxygen. Once I climbed using helium, so my voice would sound funny.

i once climbed using nitrous....but i never left camp...;)

nocode23

If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.