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Oh shite

Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
edited February 2008 in All Encompassing Trip
Ever feel a situation coming on that you just can't see an easy way out of? :o

Question for the guys here. What would you do if one of your best friends, a girl, just told you that she can't get you out of her head and that she really likes being around you and she's all confused etc but the thing is, you have no intention of starting anything up with her because 1) you have gone down that road before with friends and it was a disaster, 2) she has a boyfriend and 3) her boyfriend is one of your friends?

I have NO intention of pursuing anything here but she's one of my best friends and I can pretty much guess why she feels this way and will feel bad about brushing it off, worst still about the fact that things will probably become awkward.
"I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments

  • lalalalaaaaaaaalalalalaaaaaaaa Posts: 2,445
    Just think of the same situation, but where you're the boyfriend and your friend is you...the answer should be pretty simple then.
  • JeanieJeanie Posts: 9,446
    Just tell her your ABC options as you've typed here and make yourself less available for a little while.


    Or.....you could lie.
    NOPE!!!

    *~You're IT Bert!~*

    Hold on to the thread
    The currents will shift
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    Saturnal wrote:
    Just think of the same situation, but where you're the boyfriend and your friend is you...the answer should be pretty simple then.
    Oh I know, nothing's gonna happen, I just know that there's no EASY way out. I hang out with this girl a lot, go for drinks with her all the time, her boyfriend knows and is cool with it. This kind of changes things a wee bit, because knowing her she won't be as concerned as I am about the cons which means whether or not i go for the brush off and let's carry on like normal, she probably won't :o In which case I would have to stop seeing her so much.

    WHY do people tell people these things when it can't happen??! GAH.
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    Jeanie wrote:
    Just tell her your ABC options as you've typed here and make yourself less available for a little while.


    Or.....you could lie.
    oh it's not an ABC option thing, it was numbered points, all of which apply here :):o
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • JeanieJeanie Posts: 9,446
    Jeremy1012 wrote:
    oh it's not an ABC option thing, it was numbered points, all of which apply here :):o


    Yeah, I know. :) I'm just saying what you've said here you should say to her.

    a) she's your friend and you've been down this road with friends before and it was a disaster, so you're not keen to do it again.

    b) she has a boyfriend

    c) her boyfriend is your friend.

    AND

    d) As you have no intention of pursuing this in a more intimate way you don't want things to become awkward because you value her friendship therefore you think spending less time together is a good idea.

    As I see it, what you've said above J, you are being very honest about how you view the situation and what you want. If she's your friend then I'd just tell her what you've said here. :)

    But I'm a girl, and I suspect that the guys that you are wanting advice from will tell you to lie.
    NOPE!!!

    *~You're IT Bert!~*

    Hold on to the thread
    The currents will shift
  • carbon436carbon436 Posts: 352
    how long have they been dating?
    ....

    fuck it dude, let's go bowling
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    Jeanie wrote:
    Yeah, I know. :) I'm just saying what you've said here you should say to her.

    a) she's your friend and you've been down this road with friends before and it was a disaster, so you're not keen to do it again.

    b) she has a boyfriend

    c) her boyfriend is your friend.

    AND

    d) As you have no intention of pursuing this in a more intimate way you don't want things to become awkward because you value her friendship therefore you think spending less time together is a good idea.

    As I see it, what you've said above J, you are being very honest about how you view the situation and what you want. If she's your friend then I'd just tell her what you've said here. :)

    But I'm a girl, and I suspect that the guys that you are wanting advice from will tell you to lie.
    arghh... you're right, of course :) I don't want to stop seeing her but it can only end two ways, she gets pissed at me not doing anything or we end up getting really drunk and suddenly my scruples and common sense go out the window, in which case I will eventually lose at least one friend and probably both when she realises it wasn't worth it :o I generally have a great dea lof willpower but I'd be lying if I said I know for a FACT that nothing would ever happen if I was too drunk or something. That would be no excuse and would make me a total asshole because her boyfriend is a good guy and I like him.

    She should have kept it to herself :o
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    carbon436 wrote:
    how long have they been dating?
    ....

    fuck it dude, let's go bowling
    on and off, about 3 years, both have issues with each other, very complicated relationship, about which she confides in me (which is clearly why she has developed feelings for me, whether or not they are strong I don't know). As far as my general code of conduct goes, she's WAY off limits.

    so yeah, disaster waiting to happen for me if I was to get involved.
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • JeanieJeanie Posts: 9,446
    Jeremy1012 wrote:
    arghh... you're right, of course :) I don't want to stop seeing her but it can only end two ways, she gets pissed at me not doing anything or we end up getting really drunk and suddenly my scruples and common sense go out the window, in which case I will eventually lose at least one friend and probably both when she realises it wasn't worth it :o I generally have a great dea lof willpower but I'd be lying if I said I know for a FACT that nothing would ever happen if I was too drunk or something. That would be no excuse and would make me a total asshole because her boyfriend is a good guy and I like him.

    She should have kept it to herself :o

    Yeah, sounds like you've been spending a lot of time together and people get closer and more personal when they are together often. It's a bonding thing. I reckon if you step back a little, she may come to her senses somewhat and settle down. Just be busy, find other people to go out with for a while, ring or text but don't be in the same room ALONE as often. Eventually it should pass and hopefully she'll realize and you'll remain friends. You're right though, she should have kept it to herself.
    NOPE!!!

    *~You're IT Bert!~*

    Hold on to the thread
    The currents will shift
  • normnorm Posts: 31,146
    Jeremy1012 wrote:

    She should have kept it to herself :o


    exactly!!!!


    what does she think she's gonna accomplish by telling you this? not cool on her part....
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    Jeanie wrote:
    Yeah, sounds like you've been spending a lot of time together and people get closer and more personal when they are together often. It's a bonding thing. I reckon if you step back a little, she may come to her senses somewhat and settle down. Just be busy, find other people to go out with for a while, ring or text but don't be in the same room ALONE as often. Eventually it should pass and hopefully she'll realize and you'll remain friends. You're right though, she should have kept it to herself.
    Well, on that side of things, I won't be seeing her again for nearly 4 weeks so maybe that'll help.

    It's fucking typical y'know, only the girls with a metric ton of baggage ever seem to be interested in me :rolleyes:
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • __ Posts: 6,651
    Wait - is this the girl you avoided having drinks with on Valentine's day?! :eek: Looks like that was a good decision.

    I'm not a guy, but I would suggest that you're honest with her. Otherwise she might keep trying. I've always foung the "you're such a good friend that I don't want to compromise our friendship" line to work relatively well. But if you're attracted to her too, I'd be honest with her - and then avoid her like the plague. Even people with the best of intentions fuck up sometimes when given the opportunity.
  • __ Posts: 6,651
    Jeremy1012 wrote:
    It's fucking typical y'know, only the girls with a metric ton of baggage ever seem to be interested in me :rolleyes:

    Good luck finding a girl (of legal age) without a metric ton of baggage! And then remember where they picked up that baggage - from men! :)
  • JeanieJeanie Posts: 9,446
    Jeremy1012 wrote:
    Well, on that side of things, I won't be seeing her again for nearly 4 weeks so maybe that'll help.

    It will. :)

    Jeremy1012 wrote:
    It's fucking typical y'know, only the girls with a metric ton of baggage ever seem to be interested in me :rolleyes:

    Welcome to my world! :D (Except I'm dealing with blokes.)
    NOPE!!!

    *~You're IT Bert!~*

    Hold on to the thread
    The currents will shift
  • Drop The Leash 10Drop The Leash 10 Posts: 7,011
    tell her what you just told us. ive been the boyfriend/friend in this situation.

    bros before hoes
    I will be what i could be
    Once I get out of this town


    9/29/04;6/27/08;6/30/08;8/23/09;08/24/09;5/17/10
  • you areyou are Posts: 1,651
    Jeremy1012 wrote:
    arghh... you're right, of course :) I don't want to stop seeing her but it can only end two ways, she gets pissed at me not doing anything or we end up getting really drunk and suddenly my scruples and common sense go out the window, in which case I will eventually lose at least one friend and probably both when she realises it wasn't worth it :o I generally have a great dea lof willpower but I'd be lying if I said I know for a FACT that nothing would ever happen if I was too drunk or something. That would be no excuse and would make me a total asshole because her boyfriend is a good guy and I like him.

    She should have kept it to herself :o


    OK, i've been in a similar situation and i was the girl, except i wasn't dating anyone. he knew it wasn't going to last but he gave it a chance for me. if he was a real friend, he would've distanced himself from me, for me. i may have been pissed at him for doing that, but we may have been friends today if he had taken some time away from me. because of it, i lost my friend of 10 years and it felt like he died, and it hurt like hell.

    just remember she may be pissed at you for not hanging out with her anymore and saying no, but you'll possibly save 2 friendships. ;)
    No need to be void, or save up on life...
    You got to spend it all
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    scb wrote:
    Wait - is this the girl you avoided having drinks with on Valentine's day?! :eek: Looks like that was a good decision.

    I'm not a guy, but I would suggest that you're honest with her. Otherwise she might keep trying. I've always foung the "you're such a good friend that I don't want to compromise our friendship" line to work relatively well. But if you're attracted to her too, I'd be honest with her - and then avoid her like the plague. Even people with the best of intentions fuck up sometimes when given the opportunity.
    Yes it was her and I KNOW! very good decision :o

    I just did use the "you're such a good friend" line and it's the only way but I have been on the receiving end of that line. I HATE that line... so I feel bad about using it :o and I am KIND of attracted to her which makes it difficult. Like I said earlier, if I was to get too drunk one time with her, I might do something stupid because ordinarily I exercise common sense but have been known to do (unrelated) stupid stuff when drunk :p
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • JeanieJeanie Posts: 9,446
    scb wrote:
    Good luck finding a girl (of legal age) without a metric ton of baggage! And then remember where they picked up that baggage - from men! :)

    Don't we all have scars though?

    For all the girls that have baggage caused by the men in their lives there are also guys with scars from the girls. Once you start interacting on an intimate level there's always gonna be baggage. People do shitty things to each other.
    NOPE!!!

    *~You're IT Bert!~*

    Hold on to the thread
    The currents will shift
  • __ Posts: 6,651
    Jeanie wrote:
    Don't we all have scars though?

    For all the girls that have baggage caused by the men in their lives there are also guys with scars from the girls. Once you start interacting on an intimate level there's always gonna be baggage. People do shitty things to each other.

    Yes, you're right. :)
  • monster95monster95 Posts: 127
    give her what she wants man...and its fecking obvious you want it too....get it out of both of ya...and if you both like it? then every day is just gravy..
    I plan to live forever.so far so good !
  • Drop The Leash 10Drop The Leash 10 Posts: 7,011
    monster95 wrote:
    give her what she wants man...and its fecking obvious you want it too....get it out of both of ya...and if you both like it? then every day is just gravy..
    yea tell him to turn his back on a friend. real smart....
    I will be what i could be
    Once I get out of this town


    9/29/04;6/27/08;6/30/08;8/23/09;08/24/09;5/17/10
  • monster95monster95 Posts: 127
    Drop The Leash 10 wrote:
    yea tell him to turn his back on a friend. real smart....
    if he was his friend..DTL...he wouldnt be hangin out with her...and his friend wouldnt let his g/f be hangin out with other guys...soooo obvious they both got the hots for each other....bad situation i know
    I plan to live forever.so far so good !
  • Drop The Leash 10Drop The Leash 10 Posts: 7,011
    monster95 wrote:
    if he was his friend..DTL...he wouldnt be hangin out with her...and his friend wouldnt let his g/f be hangin out with other guys...soooo obvious they both got the hots for each other....bad situation i know
    it could both ways i guess.



    do what you think is best dude
    I will be what i could be
    Once I get out of this town


    9/29/04;6/27/08;6/30/08;8/23/09;08/24/09;5/17/10
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    Drop The Leash 10 wrote:
    yea tell him to turn his back on a friend. real smart....
    :)
    I'm with you on this. I pride myself on generally not being an asshole and, even though this guy isn't one of my best friends, I really wouldn't want to go there.
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • JeanieJeanie Posts: 9,446
    monster95 wrote:
    if he was his friend..DTL...he wouldnt be hangin out with her...and his friend wouldnt let his g/f be hangin out with other guys...soooo obvious they both got the hots for each other....bad situation i know

    Right..... :confused: ....so you're saying once you're in a relationship you cannot spend time with anyone of the opposite sex ever? And you can't make friends or be friends with people of the opposite sex once they are in a relationship? :eek:
    NOPE!!!

    *~You're IT Bert!~*

    Hold on to the thread
    The currents will shift
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    monster95 wrote:
    if he was his friend..DTL...he wouldnt be hangin out with her...and his friend wouldnt let his g/f be hangin out with other guys...soooo obvious they both got the hots for each other....bad situation i know
    you're an arse.

    If you knew anything about me you'd know that I posted a thread the other day, before she told me this, saying I chose not to go for drinks with her on valentines day when her boyfriend was working and couldnt take her out because I knew if I was him I'd be pissed off. Fact is, I've been friends with her for some time and whether or not I see her is none of his business. he doesn't own her. having said that I AM his friend and don't want to screw him over. As far as I know, he trusts me. Not everyone has to live in some cynical, penis-led life like yourself.
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
  • monster95monster95 Posts: 127
    jeanie....would you let your b/f..husband..whatever..go out alone for drinks or whatever?? dont wanna sound cruel,but...i wouldnt let my g/f out alone with another guy.....his friend must have an idea how she feels...
    I plan to live forever.so far so good !
  • monster95monster95 Posts: 127
    Jeremy1012 wrote:
    you're an arse.

    If you knew anything about me you'd know that I posted a thread the other day, before she told me this, saying I chose not to go for drinks with her on valentines day when her boyfriend was working and couldnt take her out because I knew if I was him I'd be pissed off. Fact is, I've been friends with her for some time and whether or not I see her is none of his business. he doesn't own her. having said that I AM his friend and don't want to screw him over. As far as I know, he trusts me. Not everyone has to live in some cynical, penis-led life like yourself.

    i,m not an arse jeremy.....question...you attracted to her????
    I plan to live forever.so far so good !
  • JeanieJeanie Posts: 9,446
    monster95 wrote:
    jeanie....would you let your b/f..husband..whatever..go out alone for drinks or whatever?? dont wanna sound cruel,but...i wouldnt let my g/f out alone with another guy.....his friend must have an idea how she feels...

    It would depend on the relationship they have and their friendship and how much I trusted him and her wouldn't it?

    Clearly I'm not going to be happy about my partner off out with a girl that's on the make but let's face it if he had something to hide he wouldn't be telling me he was going anyway. It's not the stuff that you know about that you have to be concerned with, it's the stuff that you don't know about.

    I certainly wouldn't be dictating to my partner who he could be friends with.
    NOPE!!!

    *~You're IT Bert!~*

    Hold on to the thread
    The currents will shift
  • Jeremy1012Jeremy1012 Posts: 7,170
    monster95 wrote:
    jeanie....would you let your b/f..husband..whatever..go out alone for drinks or whatever?? dont wanna sound cruel,but...i wouldnt let my g/f out alone with another guy.....his friend must have an idea how she feels...
    That's an interesting point. Like I say, I think he trusts me and we get on well. We almost always go for drinks in the place he works, not so he won't be suspicious, just for practical reasons and he sees us, comes over and talks and we have a laugh. We've never done anything to suggest anything is going on because it isn't. Tonight is the first I've heard of this. Whether or not he would have figured she's interested in me isn't something I can say. I doubt it.
    "I remember one night at Muzdalifa with nothing but the sky overhead, I lay awake amid sleeping Muslim brothers and I learned that pilgrims from every land — every colour, and class, and rank; high officials and the beggar alike — all snored in the same language"
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