Anybody hypomanic?

dunkman

this thread is getting heavy.. i'm out


weirdly enough i wouldnt have guessed Helen and Cate could be such cranky vitriol-fuelled wenches what with their fine and polite manner on this here forum... they disguise it so well..

TrixieCat

catefrances wrote:

it can kill their life.

you remember trix, when you said in p+p,you knew whyall of the great poets and artists are so tortured and sad...? i was hesitant in replying cause ..well.. you know why... or at least have some inkling... anyhoo... the sadness is depression. when i read your reply in that particular thread i smiled cause i knew what you were getting at and i knew that you were marginally off, cause i live it and i know that i am not 'sad'. i know it is something more. i felt for your feeling at the time but i also knew that many of the artists you spoke of or thought of were deeply depressed. it was more than a case of just being sad and more of a case of being 'not quite right in the head'. i know i am not totally sane and i see parallels in so many people. and i am okay with that. all i ask is that people dont think im just sad. that i will get over it if only i could just be happy. its so much more than that. and i know people dont want to know there are 'psychos' in their midsts.

I just don't choose to dispose of my medical or mental history on a public message board. I was simply responding to something that touched me.
I am well aware of the social stigmas attached with disclosing that you are either in therapy, were in therapy or on medication.

catefrances

dunkman wrote:

this thread is getting heavy.. i'm out


weirdly enough i wouldnt have guessed Helen and Cate could be such cranky vitriol-fuelled wenches what with their fine and polite manner on this here forum... they disguise it so well..

fuck you dunk.

in all honesty duncan you are exactly the type of person i try to steer clear of. you come across as never serious(except when youre ragging on me ) and i cant deal with that.

eyedclaar

Heineken Helen wrote:

do you get help? Enough of it? cos it worries me when people post like that... and it's not like I can just pm ya and try to cheer ya up cos I know it's more than that.

Cate and Helen, I know it isn't polite to ask a woman's age (so I guess it's good that I'm not polite); so, how old are you? I only ask because for me both the highs and lows have leveled out through the years and I can almost guarantee that I was crazier than either of you. I'd share some of the scary lows but nobody would ever talk to me again. I never took any prescription drugs, but I may have smoked (herb) and drank my mind into some form of submission as it doesn't fuck with me so often these days.

dunkman

catefrances wrote:

fuck you dunk.

in all honesty duncan you are exactly the type of person i try to steer clear of. you come across as never serious(except when youre ragging on me ) and i cant deal with that.

i hate being serious.

i'm an ostrich.. if a serious problem arises i bury my head in the sand and it goes away. i also run fast but cant ever fly.

catefrances

TrixieCat wrote:

I just don't choose to dispose of my medical or mental history on a public message board. I was simply responding to something that touched me.
I am well aware of the social stigmas attached with disclosing that you are either in therapy, were in therapy or on medication.

okay. fair enough. i respect that trix. ive come across people that when theyve confronted me ask me how come i cant just be happy, whats wrong with me, they tell me my life isnt that hard. and i can see that my life for the most part isnt that hard except i have difficulty dealing with it. but they dont take into account my mental health. people dont want you to be sad. a while ago i had a friend say to me, but youre not lonely are you cate? and i couldnt answer him. i was lonely, desperately so, but i felt i coldnt tell him that cause i didnt want that clouding his judgement. i wanted him to take me as he had known me, not as someone who freaked out at intervals and did damage to herself. turns out he thought i was too intense anyway and is no longer my friend.
ive never been in therapy, will never be in therapy and will never be on medication. i cant be trusted with drugs. i cope the best way i know how, some are not constructive, in fact some are downright destructive. but i am determined to deal with me the ways i have always.

Heineken Helen

eyedclaar wrote:

Cate and Helen, I know it isn't polite to ask a woman's age (so I guess it's good that I'm not polite); so, how old are you? I only ask because for me both the highs and lows have leveled out through the years and I can almost guarantee that I was crazier than either of you. I'd share some of the scary lows but nobody would ever talk to me again. I never took any prescription drugs, but I may have smoked (herb) and drank my mind into some form of submission as it doesn't fuck with me so often these days.

I'm 28. Like I said though, I've only ever had one really low low and I had one psycho episode years ago that embarrasses me to look back on (even so it wasn't all that bad). I think I may have gone through depression in my early 20s as I went through some pretty serious shit and it was around that time when these things happened. Although to be honest, it would probably be normal for someone to go through depression cos it WAS serious shit.

catefrances

dunkman wrote:

i hate being serious.

i'm an ostrich.. if a serious problem arises i bury my head in the sand and it goes away. i also run fast but cant ever fly.

trust me dunk. you cant be near me and stick your arse in the air. its too much of a temptation.

eyedclaar

Heineken Helen wrote:

I'm 28. Like I said though, I've only ever had one really low low and I had one psycho episode years ago that embarrasses me to look back on (even so it wasn't all that bad). I think I may have gone through depression in my early 20s as I went through some pretty serious shit and it was around that time when these things happened. Although to be honest, it would probably be normal for someone to go through depression cos it WAS serious shit.

I was just getting out of my crazies at 28. 35 now and ten times saner. And thank Waffle, because I found it exhausting. My depression manifested itself as 100% rage.

catefrances

eyedclaar wrote:

Cate and Helen, I know it isn't polite to ask a woman's age (so I guess it's good that I'm not polite); so, how old are you? I only ask because for me both the highs and lows have leveled out through the years and I can almost guarantee that I was crazier than either of you. I'd share some of the scary lows but nobody would ever talk to me again. I never took any prescription drugs, but I may have smoked (herb) and drank my mind into some form of submission as it doesn't fuck with me so often these days.

im 43. and as ive gotten older its got worse. or maybe ive allowed it free reign. alls i know is im tired of pretending im okay. i know im not and people who coem into my orbit are gonna have to deal with that, if they cant then they need to fuck off and leave me alone.

Heineken Helen

eyedclaar wrote:

I was just getting out of my crazies at 28. 35 now and ten times saner. And thank Waffle, because I found it exhausting. My depression manifested itself as 100% rage.

Mine did on a couple of occasions too.

That was probably up until I was maybe 23... but after that, for the most part, I have it under control and it feels like I was a completely different person. I think also, the older you get you just learn better how to deal with things.

Collin

I've read a lot about disorders and thought they described me. But I don't think I have a disorder. I think it's fairly normal to have ups and downs. Sometimes I go from being energetic, happy, active... to silent, numb and inactive or angry and frustrated. I imagine that's life and I will recognize, or at least somebody else will recognize, if I have a disorder.

When I first heard about my 'heat allergy' I didn't know anything about it. I didn't ask the name of the condition and I started looking it up on the internet, there were many 'heat allergies' that seemed to fit.

Heineken Helen

Collin wrote:

I've read a lot about disorders and thought they described me. But I don't think I have a disorder. I think it's fairly normal to have ups and downs. Sometimes I go from being energetic, happy, active... to silent, numb and inactive or angry and frustrated. I imagine that's life and I will recognize, or at least somebody else will recognize, if I have a disorder.

When I first heard about my 'heat allergy' I didn't know anything about it. I didn't ask the name of the condition and I started looking it up on the internet, there were many 'heat allergies' that seemed to fit.

I'm pretty sure I agree. I think we're all too quick to lump eachother into categories... but it's probably good to be aware and to spot early signs... but I don't think that's the case here... BUT would I know?

eyedclaar

Collin wrote:

I've read a lot about disorders and thought they described me. But I don't think I have a disorder. I think it's fairly normal to have ups and downs. Sometimes I go from being energetic, happy, active... to silent, numb and inactive or angry and frustrated. I imagine that's life and I will recognize, or at least somebody else will recognize, if I have a disorder.

When I first heard about my 'heat allergy' I didn't know anything about it. I didn't ask the name of the condition and I started looking it up on the internet, there were many 'heat allergies' that seemed to fit.

I think you are right about a lot of that. So much of what we call disorders is just life, but that isn't always the case. When I was younger, I would go from being the most humorous, energetic, outdoorsman daredevil to downright murderous/suicidal at the drop of a hat. And those thoughts felt normal to me at the time. I had a few real scary situations that finally made me realize I was off the deep end and had been for awhile.

eyedclaar

catefrances wrote:

im 43. and as ive gotten older its got worse. or maybe ive allowed it free reign. alls i know is im tired of pretending im okay. i know im not and people who coem into my orbit are gonna have to deal with that, if they cant then they need to fuck off and leave me alone.

I'm sorry to hear that. My bass player's mother in law just shot and killed herself about a year ago. She was taking meds but decided to stop without telling anyone. People knew she was sad and out of sorts but they had no idea. She had never even touched a gun her whole life. One day, her husband comes home for lunch and they eat together no problem then when he comes back home after work he finds her body in the garage.

Don't just pretend everything is ok if you know in your hear it isn't. I don't know the solution for you, but keep looking. Do you exercise or anything?

libragirl

hmmm...sounds like me sometimes.

catefrances

eyedclaar wrote:

I'm sorry to hear that. My bass player's mother in law just shot and killed herself about a year ago. She was taking meds but decided to stop without telling anyone. People knew she was sad and out of sorts but they had no idea. She had never even touched a gun her whole life. One day, her husband comes home for lunch and they eat together no problem then when he comes back home after work he finds her body in the garage.

Don't just pretend everything is ok if you know in your hear it isn't. I don't know the solution for you, but keep looking. Do you exercise or anything?

well.. living in australia i am thankful we are not allowed guns, cause in all honesty i can tell you, if guns were legal, i wouldnt be here writing this.
yes i exercise. i exercise daily. it is a distraction, that is all. like everything else on my life, it occupies me as long as it is happening. just like my writing. when it stops all i have is myself and my mind. i love my mind but sometimes it is my enemy.
i feel as if im biding my time. i watch my children and laugh with my grand daughter and all i can think of is the after. the ache is overwhelming. it seems every time i think ive found something or someone who can help me, they, or it, step back so far i can no longer reach them. i cant do this alone, i know that. but right now, i am all i have. and that is not a good thing.

eyedclaar

catefrances wrote:

well.. living in australia i am thankful we are not allowed guns, cause in all honesty i can tell you, if guns were legal, i wouldnt be here writing this.
yes i exercise. i exercise daily. it is a distraction, that is all. like everything else on my life, it occupies me as long as it is happening. just like my writing. when it stops all i have is myself and my mind. i love my mind but sometimes it is my enemy.
i feel as if im biding my time. i watch my children and laugh with my grand daughter and all i can think of is the after. the ache is overwhelming. it seems every time i think ive found something or someone who can help me, they, or it, step back so far i can no longer reach them. i cant do this alone, i know that. but right now, i am all i have. and that is not a good thing.

I used to feel like no matter what I did I couldn't shut my mind off or even control where it wanted to go at any given moment. It sucked. I sometimes think I finally managed to kill enough brain cells that the engine just isn't as powerful anymore and tends to leave me alone way more often than it used to. I'm not sure I can advise that people just get dumber to deal with depression as that doesn't seem like a viable solution.

Again, I wish I knew what to say.

catefrances

eyedclaar wrote:

I used to feel like no matter what I did I couldn't shut my mind off or even control where it wanted to go at any given moment. It sucked. I sometimes think I finally managed to kill enough brain cells that the engine just isn't as powerful anymore and tends to leave me alone way more often than it used to. I'm not sure I can advise that people just get dumber to deal with depression as that doesn't seem like a viable solution.

Again, I wish I knew what to say.

i wish i could get dumber, but i cant. and i think thats more than half the problem. i dont know what to do. i cant involve people cause im misanthropic. but i know i need them. i know i cant deal with it on my own. there are things i need that i cant give myself. i just scream loud inside myself and when it becomes too much i hurt myself. im not proud that i do it and im not looking for sympathy or understanding, (cause who could understand someone who chooses to hurt themselves to deal with their psychosis?).

you are

catefrances wrote:

it can kill their life.

you remember trix, when you said in p+p,you knew whyall of the great poets and artists are so tortured and sad...? i was hesitant in replying cause ..well.. you know why... or at least have some inkling... anyhoo... the sadness is depression. when i read your reply in that particular thread i smiled cause i knew what you were getting at and i knew that you were marginally off, cause i live it and i know that i am not 'sad'. i know it is something more. i felt for your feeling at the time but i also knew that many of the artists you spoke of or thought of were deeply depressed. it was more than a case of just being sad and more of a case of being 'not quite right in the head'. i know i am not totally sane and i see parallels in so many people. and i am okay with that. all i ask is that people dont think im just sad. that i will get over it if only i could just be happy. its so much more than that. and i know people dont want to know there are 'psychos' in their midsts.

i know what you're saying about the not being 'sad' thing. i'm gonna get heavy here so bear with me.....as a Christian and being around other Christians a LOT, they are always telling me that i must not have enough faith in God, i've just got to pray more and believe that God can heal my pain, that i don't need meds to make me happy, i should read and memorize more scripture, that i need to hang out with more Christians, i shouldn't be reading that book, listening to that music, or watching that TV show or movie....as if all those things are making me 'sad'. it's sooo frustrating! i haven't been to church in a while because everyone has questions for me, asking me how am i really doing? what's really going on? and a Christian doctor telling me to go to more counseling. and counselors telling me that i'm co-dependent, that i should read this book, listen to this tape, come to this session....agh!

anyway, i am a Christian, i just don't like most of the other Christians out there....:o and i'm not just 'sad', i really do have a problem with depression and with that (for me) comes anger. so i ignore all the 'advice' and take my meds, and do all the things that make ME happy whether it's going out to a bar, or staying home alone for the WHOLE weekend, even if it is the holidays.

sorry for the rant, but it seemed like the perfect place to get this all out.....and i really do feel better.