I was just getting out of my crazies at 28. 35 now and ten times saner. And thank Waffle, because I found it exhausting. My depression manifested itself as 100% rage.
Mine did on a couple of occasions too.
That was probably up until I was maybe 23... but after that, for the most part, I have it under control and it feels like I was a completely different person. I think also, the older you get you just learn better how to deal with things.
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
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Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
I've read a lot about disorders and thought they described me. But I don't think I have a disorder. I think it's fairly normal to have ups and downs. Sometimes I go from being energetic, happy, active... to silent, numb and inactive or angry and frustrated. I imagine that's life and I will recognize, or at least somebody else will recognize, if I have a disorder.
When I first heard about my 'heat allergy' I didn't know anything about it. I didn't ask the name of the condition and I started looking it up on the internet, there were many 'heat allergies' that seemed to fit.
I've read a lot about disorders and thought they described me. But I don't think I have a disorder. I think it's fairly normal to have ups and downs. Sometimes I go from being energetic, happy, active... to silent, numb and inactive or angry and frustrated. I imagine that's life and I will recognize, or at least somebody else will recognize, if I have a disorder.
When I first heard about my 'heat allergy' I didn't know anything about it. I didn't ask the name of the condition and I started looking it up on the internet, there were many 'heat allergies' that seemed to fit.
I'm pretty sure I agree. I think we're all too quick to lump eachother into categories... but it's probably good to be aware and to spot early signs... but I don't think that's the case here... BUT would I know?
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
I've read a lot about disorders and thought they described me. But I don't think I have a disorder. I think it's fairly normal to have ups and downs. Sometimes I go from being energetic, happy, active... to silent, numb and inactive or angry and frustrated. I imagine that's life and I will recognize, or at least somebody else will recognize, if I have a disorder.
When I first heard about my 'heat allergy' I didn't know anything about it. I didn't ask the name of the condition and I started looking it up on the internet, there were many 'heat allergies' that seemed to fit.
I think you are right about a lot of that. So much of what we call disorders is just life, but that isn't always the case. When I was younger, I would go from being the most humorous, energetic, outdoorsman daredevil to downright murderous/suicidal at the drop of a hat. And those thoughts felt normal to me at the time. I had a few real scary situations that finally made me realize I was off the deep end and had been for awhile.
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im 43. and as ive gotten older its got worse. or maybe ive allowed it free reign. alls i know is im tired of pretending im okay. i know im not and people who coem into my orbit are gonna have to deal with that, if they cant then they need to fuck off and leave me alone.
I'm sorry to hear that. My bass player's mother in law just shot and killed herself about a year ago. She was taking meds but decided to stop without telling anyone. People knew she was sad and out of sorts but they had no idea. She had never even touched a gun her whole life. One day, her husband comes home for lunch and they eat together no problem then when he comes back home after work he finds her body in the garage.
Don't just pretend everything is ok if you know in your hear it isn't. I don't know the solution for you, but keep looking. Do you exercise or anything?
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I'm sorry to hear that. My bass player's mother in law just shot and killed herself about a year ago. She was taking meds but decided to stop without telling anyone. People knew she was sad and out of sorts but they had no idea. She had never even touched a gun her whole life. One day, her husband comes home for lunch and they eat together no problem then when he comes back home after work he finds her body in the garage.
Don't just pretend everything is ok if you know in your hear it isn't. I don't know the solution for you, but keep looking. Do you exercise or anything?
well.. living in australia i am thankful we are not allowed guns, cause in all honesty i can tell you, if guns were legal, i wouldnt be here writing this.
yes i exercise. i exercise daily. it is a distraction, that is all. like everything else on my life, it occupies me as long as it is happening. just like my writing. when it stops all i have is myself and my mind. i love my mind but sometimes it is my enemy.
i feel as if im biding my time. i watch my children and laugh with my grand daughter and all i can think of is the after. the ache is overwhelming. it seems every time i think ive found something or someone who can help me, they, or it, step back so far i can no longer reach them. i cant do this alone, i know that. but right now, i am all i have. and that is not a good thing.
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take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
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well.. living in australia i am thankful we are not allowed guns, cause in all honesty i can tell you, if guns were legal, i wouldnt be here writing this.
yes i exercise. i exercise daily. it is a distraction, that is all. like everything else on my life, it occupies me as long as it is happening. just like my writing. when it stops all i have is myself and my mind. i love my mind but sometimes it is my enemy.
i feel as if im biding my time. i watch my children and laugh with my grand daughter and all i can think of is the after. the ache is overwhelming. it seems every time i think ive found something or someone who can help me, they, or it, step back so far i can no longer reach them. i cant do this alone, i know that. but right now, i am all i have. and that is not a good thing.
I used to feel like no matter what I did I couldn't shut my mind off or even control where it wanted to go at any given moment. It sucked. I sometimes think I finally managed to kill enough brain cells that the engine just isn't as powerful anymore and tends to leave me alone way more often than it used to. I'm not sure I can advise that people just get dumber to deal with depression as that doesn't seem like a viable solution.
Again, I wish I knew what to say.
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I used to feel like no matter what I did I couldn't shut my mind off or even control where it wanted to go at any given moment. It sucked. I sometimes think I finally managed to kill enough brain cells that the engine just isn't as powerful anymore and tends to leave me alone way more often than it used to. I'm not sure I can advise that people just get dumber to deal with depression as that doesn't seem like a viable solution.
Again, I wish I knew what to say.
i wish i could get dumber, but i cant. and i think thats more than half the problem. i dont know what to do. i cant involve people cause im misanthropic. but i know i need them. i know i cant deal with it on my own. there are things i need that i cant give myself. i just scream loud inside myself and when it becomes too much i hurt myself. im not proud that i do it and im not looking for sympathy or understanding, (cause who could understand someone who chooses to hurt themselves to deal with their psychosis?).
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
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i just need to say
you remember trix, when you said in p+p,you knew whyall of the great poets and artists are so tortured and sad...? i was hesitant in replying cause ..well.. you know why... or at least have some inkling... anyhoo... the sadness is depression. when i read your reply in that particular thread i smiled cause i knew what you were getting at and i knew that you were marginally off, cause i live it and i know that i am not 'sad'. i know it is something more. i felt for your feeling at the time but i also knew that many of the artists you spoke of or thought of were deeply depressed. it was more than a case of just being sad and more of a case of being 'not quite right in the head'. i know i am not totally sane and i see parallels in so many people. and i am okay with that. all i ask is that people dont think im just sad. that i will get over it if only i could just be happy. its so much more than that. and i know people dont want to know there are 'psychos' in their midsts.
i know what you're saying about the not being 'sad' thing. i'm gonna get heavy here so bear with me.....as a Christian and being around other Christians a LOT, they are always telling me that i must not have enough faith in God, i've just got to pray more and believe that God can heal my pain, that i don't need meds to make me happy, i should read and memorize more scripture, that i need to hang out with more Christians, i shouldn't be reading that book, listening to that music, or watching that TV show or movie....as if all those things are making me 'sad'. it's sooo frustrating! i haven't been to church in a while because everyone has questions for me, asking me how am i really doing? what's really going on? and a Christian doctor telling me to go to more counseling. and counselors telling me that i'm co-dependent, that i should read this book, listen to this tape, come to this session....agh!
anyway, i am a Christian, i just don't like most of the other Christians out there....:o and i'm not just 'sad', i really do have a problem with depression and with that (for me) comes anger. so i ignore all the 'advice' and take my meds, and do all the things that make ME happy whether it's going out to a bar, or staying home alone for the WHOLE weekend, even if it is the holidays.
sorry for the rant, but it seemed like the perfect place to get this all out.....and i really do feel better.
No need to be void, or save up on life...
You got to spend it all
i know what you're saying about the not being 'sad' thing. i'm gonna get heavy here so bear with me.....as a Christian
that's as far as i got.
oh scary... 40000 morbidly obese christians wearing fanny packs invading europe is probably the least scariest thing since I watched an edited version of The Care Bears movie in an extremely brightly lit cinema.
i know what you're saying about the not being 'sad' thing. i'm gonna get heavy here so bear with me.....as a Christian and being around other Christians a LOT, they are always telling me that i must not have enough faith in God, i've just got to pray more and believe that God can heal my pain, that i don't need meds to make me happy, i should read and memorize more scripture, that i need to hang out with more Christians, i shouldn't be reading that book, listening to that music, or watching that TV show or movie....as if all those things are making me 'sad'. it's sooo frustrating! i haven't been to church in a while because everyone has questions for me, asking me how am i really doing? what's really going on? and a Christian doctor telling me to go to more counseling. and counselors telling me that i'm co-dependent, that i should read this book, listen to this tape, come to this session....agh!
anyway, i am a Christian, i just don't like most of the other Christians out there....:o and i'm not just 'sad', i really do have a problem with depression and with that (for me) comes anger. so i ignore all the 'advice' and take my meds, and do all the things that make ME happy whether it's going out to a bar, or staying home alone for the WHOLE weekend, even if it is the holidays.
sorry for the rant, but it seemed like the perfect place to get this all out.....and i really do feel better.
i am an atheist.
i do all the things that i 'think' will make me 'feel' happy. but they make me feel fake. i know seeing live bands thrills me, but it thrills me only so long as the band is playing. there is nothing in my life that sustains me.
i do not take meds because i do not want to alter the way my brain works. i know that may sound self defeatist but i cant have my brain thinking differently than it does. i write to get the toxins out, but lately ive discovered that it is not working. i do not want to be here but i am too gutless to make myself leave this place.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
i do all the things that i 'think' will make me 'feel' happy. but they make me feel fake. i know seeing live bands thrills me, but it thrills me only so long as the band is playing. there is nothing in my life that sustains me.
i do not take meds because i do not want to alter the way my brain works. i know that may sound self defeatist but i cant have my brain thinking differently than it does. i write to get the toxins out, but lately ive discovered that it is not working. i do not want to be here but i am too gutless to make myself leave this place.
i totally respect your beliefs and decisions that you've made for yourself. that's the point i was trying to make...i just hope it came across the way i wanted it to.
you've always got to stay true to yourself, even if that alienates others. it's their problem if they can't deal with who you really are, and it's their problem if they can't respect your decisions.
oh, and also, i think it takes courage for you to do what you're doing. i'm sorry that the usual outlet isn't helping. hopefully you'll find something else to help get it all out. i know for me 'the outlet' for my anger or depression always changes.
No need to be void, or save up on life...
You got to spend it all
i know what you're saying about the not being 'sad' thing. i'm gonna get heavy here so bear with me.....as a Christian and being around other Christians a LOT, they are always telling me that i must not have enough faith in God, i've just got to pray more and believe that God can heal my pain, that i don't need meds to make me happy, i should read and memorize more scripture, that i need to hang out with more Christians, i shouldn't be reading that book, listening to that music, or watching that TV show or movie....as if all those things are making me 'sad'. it's sooo frustrating! i haven't been to church in a while because everyone has questions for me, asking me how am i really doing? what's really going on? and a Christian doctor telling me to go to more counseling. and counselors telling me that i'm co-dependent, that i should read this book, listen to this tape, come to this session....agh!
anyway, i am a Christian, i just don't like most of the other Christians out there....:o and i'm not just 'sad', i really do have a problem with depression and with that (for me) comes anger. so i ignore all the 'advice' and take my meds, and do all the things that make ME happy whether it's going out to a bar, or staying home alone for the WHOLE weekend, even if it is the holidays.
sorry for the rant, but it seemed like the perfect place to get this all out.....and i really do feel better.
I know what ya mean... we have to do what feels good for us. I, like Cate, would be very wary of taking drugs (considering that's what lead me to my lowest point ever) but I can see why it works for other people.
Cate, what harm can it do to just call someone if you're already feeling so low? The worst that can happen is nothing... and you still feel just as bad
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
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Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
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What a different life
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i totally respect your beliefs and decisions that you've made for yourself. that's the point i was trying to make...i just hope it came across the way i wanted it to.
you've always got to stay true to yourself, even if that alienates others. it's their problem if they can't deal with who you really are, and it's their problem if they can't respect your decisions.
and if you lose respect for yourself... what then?
hear my name
take a good look
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and if you lose respect for yourself... what then?
ok so i know this may sound silly, but Mariah Carey actually inspired me with one of her songs....maybe Make It Happen and Can't Take That Away. but when i get down to my lowest points, i remember that i'm the one that's got to take care of me and make things happen. just remember the family around you and your closest friends really care about you and would miss you if anything happened. i know it's hard because you just can't make yourself be happy....but do something for you. i don't even know if i'm making sense, but i'm trying. ultimately you've got to learn how to respect yourself again. you are valuable whether you know it or not.
No need to be void, or save up on life...
You got to spend it all
I know what ya mean... we have to do what feels good for us. I, like Cate, would be very wary of taking drugs (considering that's what lead me to my lowest point ever) but I can see why it works for other people.
Cate, what harm can it do to just call someone if you're already feeling so low? The worst that can happen is nothing... and you still feel just as bad
do you know what misanthropy is? do you understand what it takes to even let people in my circle? and thats only cause i 'think' i should at least try. im not allergic to anything but if i was, it would be people. i cant deal with them as a species. i cant deal with them for any length of time. it is what makes it so difficult for me to deal with anything. sure ive been in social circumstances, and i dont make a habit of it, and they have me counting the minutes until i can escape. i can not overstate my aversion to people enough. sure there are certain people i allow close to me, but ive come to discover that aside from one or two, or maybe im deluding myself with that, i can not deal with people. its that simple, or maybe not so simple. the worst that can happen is that i get extremely aggravated and feel the need to hurt myself. if i add drugs into the mix i would be dead. is that low enough for you helen?
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
ok so i know this may sound silly, but Mariah Carey actually inspired me with one of her songs....maybe Make It Happen and Can't Take That Away. but when i get down to my lowest points, i remember that i'm the one that's got to take care of me and make things happen. just remember the family around you and your closest friends really care about you and would miss you if anything happened. i know it's hard because you just can't make yourself be happy....but do something for you. i don't even know if i'm making sense, but i'm trying. ultimately you've got to learn how to respect yourself again. you are valuable whether you know it or not.
it doesnt matter. nothing matters. my family have no clue, though last july my father informed me that the family think i am dysfunctional. you can imagine how that made me feel. as for friends(not that i have more than handful), i can honestly say there is only one who gives a damn... who has expressed concern. there is another i thought cared but i think i am mistaken. he seems too fucked or distracted himself, to give a shit about me. anyhoo.. the point is i dont care anymore. i am counting down til i can leave. how i will do that i do not know... when it will happen... again... i do not know.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
do you know what misanthropy is? do you understand what it takes to even let people in my circle? and thats only cause i 'think' i should at least try. im not allergic to anything but if i was, it would be people. i cant deal with them as a species. i cant deal with them for any length of time. it is what makes it so difficult for me to deal with anything. sure ive been in social circumstances, and i dont make a habit of it, and they have me counting the minutes until i can escape. i can not overstate my aversion to people enough. sure there are certain people i allow close to me, but ive come to discover that aside from one or two, or maybe im deluding myself with that, i can not deal with people. its that simple, or maybe not so simple. the worst that can happen is that i get extremely aggravated and feel the need to hurt myself. if i add drugs into the mix i would be dead. is that low enough for you helen?
And that's why I didn't want to say anything.
It was just a suggestion cate. You sound like you don't wanna be how you are but you don't wanna change either. so it's a obviously not a good situation.
Besides, I think you've done pretty well at being sociable on this board... whether you realise it or not
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
It was just a suggestion cate. You sound like you don't wanna be how you are but you don't wanna change either. so it's a obviously not a good situation.
Besides, I think you've done pretty well at being sociable on this board... whether you realise it or not
and that is because this board to me is not real life. i dont have to absorb the energy from actual bodies. i dont have to interact with actual people. this board is safe for me and that is why is means so much to me and why it pains me so much when i fall out with people here. to be honest helen, im not that sociable here. it pains me and pleases me in equal parts that i seem to be unapproachable. and for the most part its ok. its just sometimes it gets too much.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
and that is because this board to me is not real life. i dont have to absorb the energy from actual bodies. i dont have to interact with actual people. this board is safe for me and that is why is means so much to me and why it pains me so much when i fall out with people here. to be honest helen, im not that sociable here. it pains me and pleases me in equal parts that i seem to be unapproachable. and for the most part its ok. its just sometimes it gets too much.
I have to go now... but I hope it means something to you when I say that I, and plenty of others, would be pretty fucking upset if you did something. I know it's not much of a reason not to... but we ARE real people.
I've been there where it all got too much. I didn't wanna talk to anyone... just locked myself in my room... cried pretty much at the drop of a hat, on the bus, in the street, anywhere... my housemates pissed me off anytime they tried to talk to me... I didn't even SEE their efforts... just wanted them to go away... it didn't matter to me that they cared cos I didn't see it... all I cared about was how I was feeling.
That's like a whole lifetime ago. I know your situation is different but things CAN change.
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
I have to go now... but I hope it means something to you when I say that I, and plenty of others, would be pretty fucking upset if you did something. I know it's not much of a reason not to... but we ARE real people.
I've been there where it all got too much. I didn't wanna talk to anyone... just locked myself in my room... cried pretty much at the drop of a hat, on the bus, in the street, anywhere... my housemates pissed me off anytime they tried to talk to me... I didn't even SEE their efforts... just wanted them to go away... it didn't matter to me that they cared cos I didn't see it... all I cared about was how I was feeling.
That's like a whole lifetime ago. I know your situation is different but things CAN change.
see the difference is i want ME to go away. i know who cares about me cause they express it. others just tell me they dont want to know. and it is those that i need to feel it from the most. or so i think. the person who tells me they care means the world to me, but as much as it is, it isnt enough for me. and it is that fact that makes me feel like shit. it feels like a betrayal to that particular friend.
i snap and when i do it scares me. i get violent and totally out of control. i know it is me and yet i hate myself for it.
hear my name
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
see the difference is i want ME to go away. i know who cares about me cause they express it. others just tell me they dont want to know. and it is those that i need to feel it from the most. or so i think. the person who tells me they care means the world to me, but as much as it is, it isnt enough for me. and it is that fact that makes me feel like shit. it feels like a betrayal to that particular friend.
i snap and when i do it scares me. i get violent and totally out of control. i know it is me and yet i hate myself for it.
i'm not trying to tell you what to do, but i'm worried about you :(, and on some level i know how you feel. i used to wish for non-existence. it's not that i wanted to kill myself, i just didn't want to exist so i wouldn't have to worry about it. God or no God, i believe everyone is here for a reason. when i got on meds it took alot of those feelings away. kind of like, i had cloudy skies, and now i have mostly clear skies and the sun is shining most of the time. i feel like i'm now who i have been all along....and i'm not so weighed down anymore. i really don't want this to come across negatively, i'm just worried. i don't know you and you don't know me, but like i said, on some level i know how you feel.
No need to be void, or save up on life...
You got to spend it all
I'm generally not one for internet self diagnosis or for even believing in some 'mental disorders' but a lot of this seems to hit the nail on the head for me
Anybody have it?
I've been called out as being hypomanic by my psychiatrist, many times through my years of seeing him. The way I saw it, I had four states: depressed, normal, hypomanic and manic.
Hypomania was by far the best of them all. I felt happy and euphoric, while till being in touch with reality. I had spiritual revelations, too, and yet remained grounded and okay. My concern when I had hypomania, was that I could slip into mania, where I lost touch with reality.
I once read by a psychologist, that hypomania is similar to the state self-actualized people are in, where they are naturally in touch with inSights others don't see. And that when we are around hypomanic people, we should listen carefully to them, because they are attuned with a wisdom that is not common. People will all forms of bi-polar disorder are considered to tend to be creative geniuses, hinging on the fact that they touch into deeper dimensions of life. Often their family members are more creative than the average person, as they have a natural ability to tap into deeper creative sources creativity due to the familial link, while not having a disorder.
Since I've moved past having bi-polar disorder, and into self-actualization, I often feel in states similar to hypomania, without any negative side effects. It's awesome.
"The opposite of a fact is falsehood, but the opposite of one profound truth may very well be another profound truth." ~ Niels Bohr
I've been called out as being hypomanic by my psychiatrist, many times through my years of seeing him. The way I saw it, I had four states: depressed, normal, hypomanic and manic.
Hypomania was by far the best of them all. I felt happy and euphoric, while till being in touch with reality. I had spiritual revelations, too, and yet remained grounded and okay. My concern when I had hypomania, was that I could slip into mania, where I lost touch with reality.
I once read by a psychologist, that hypomania is similar to the state self-actualized people are in, where they are naturally in touch with inSights others don't see. And that when we are around hypomanic people, we should listen carefully to them, because they are attuned with a wisdom that is not common. People will all forms of bi-polar disorder are considered to tend to be creative geniuses, hinging on the fact that they touch into deeper dimensions of life. Often their family members are more creative than the average person, as they have a natural ability to tap into deeper creative sources creativity due to the familial link, while not having a disorder.
Since I've moved past having bi-polar disorder, and into self-actualization, I often feel in states similar to hypomania, without any negative side effects. It's awesome.
that's brilliant . That's what I couldn't understand while reading it... that they've turned it into a disorder . I don't seem to have the manic bit... but if I am indeed hpyomanic, well there's not a bloody thing wrong with it
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
that's brilliant . That's what I couldn't understand while reading it... that they've turned it into a disorder . I don't seem to have the manic bit... but if I am indeed hpyomanic, well there's not a bloody thing wrong with it
Cool.
We all know that having these "symptoms" is "bad": being energetic, euphoric, overflowing with new ideas, and sometimes highly confident and charismatic...oh right...and having high self-esteem....:rolleyes:
"The opposite of a fact is falsehood, but the opposite of one profound truth may very well be another profound truth." ~ Niels Bohr
We all know that having these "symptoms" is "bad": being energetic, euphoric, overflowing with new ideas, and sometimes highly confident and charismatic...oh right...and having high self-esteem....:rolleyes:
but these can sometimes lead to the opposite. I don't get it... ok of course there are extreme examples of every kinda personality... BUT having these traits doesn't make you... well... mental! If I killed somebody, I'm sure there's some way I could be diagnosed with hypomania and then let off :rolleyes:
The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
but these can sometimes lead to the opposite. I don't get it... ok of course there are extreme examples of every kinda personality... BUT having these traits doesn't make you... well... mental! If I killed somebody, I'm sure there's some way I could be diagnosed with hypomania and then let off :rolleyes:
I think the key is whether you're feeling that these traits are causing you problems. For example, I feel healthier and happier than ever in my life especially when I feel in this type of state (which is a lot). If everyone around me sees that I'm happy and healthy, and I don't go to my doctor for mental health complaints, then, really, there's nothing wrong. On the other hand, years ago things were very different for me. My moods swung all over the place and I was not grounded, and I did not feel okay. And I sought help from doctors. They therefore had to group my main issues into a disorder category.
I have a really big emotional capacity. I feel things deeply. I feel very fortunate to be so sensitized, and to sense things that others often overlook. To me this is a blessing. I've been through a lot of stuff in my life, and I let those old feelings come up all the time so I can feel them and release them. So when I feel deep pain...in the past, I was VERY uncomfortable with that and I constantly tried to block it and then it turned to a disorder. I didn't know how to deal with my natural responses to life, which are probably more intense than most people's. Now having accepted my feelings, I've developed ways to deal with them that are healthy. And I understand that those feelings are there for a reason. So I fully welcome that deep pain. And therefore, there is no longer a dark side to when I feel the positive emotions like when I'm joyous or euphoric. I get to experience heightened emotions in a balanced way. And all the aspects of disorder have now disappeared. I am at peace with how I experience life.
People, including professionals, tend to see these disorders as distinct. Like you either have an illness or not, and really, there is a lot of grey area, and a lot of it is arbitrary, and depending on how we experience it. Mental illness is different than physical illness in this sense. It usually does not have an objectively quantifiable illness/pathology on a physical level.
If I were no longer able to balance these traits enough to feel healthy and okay, and if I sought help, it would be considered that I have a disorder, again.
Yes, I agree about if you killed someone...and if you killed someone, it would indicate that you were not balanced and healthy, and they would look to find out what was wrong and would give it a label.
"The opposite of a fact is falsehood, but the opposite of one profound truth may very well be another profound truth." ~ Niels Bohr
Comments
That was probably up until I was maybe 23... but after that, for the most part, I have it under control and it feels like I was a completely different person. I think also, the older you get you just learn better how to deal with things.
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
When I first heard about my 'heat allergy' I didn't know anything about it. I didn't ask the name of the condition and I started looking it up on the internet, there were many 'heat allergies' that seemed to fit.
naděje umírá poslední
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
I think you are right about a lot of that. So much of what we call disorders is just life, but that isn't always the case. When I was younger, I would go from being the most humorous, energetic, outdoorsman daredevil to downright murderous/suicidal at the drop of a hat. And those thoughts felt normal to me at the time. I had a few real scary situations that finally made me realize I was off the deep end and had been for awhile.
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I'm sorry to hear that. My bass player's mother in law just shot and killed herself about a year ago. She was taking meds but decided to stop without telling anyone. People knew she was sad and out of sorts but they had no idea. She had never even touched a gun her whole life. One day, her husband comes home for lunch and they eat together no problem then when he comes back home after work he finds her body in the garage.
Don't just pretend everything is ok if you know in your hear it isn't. I don't know the solution for you, but keep looking. Do you exercise or anything?
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well.. living in australia i am thankful we are not allowed guns, cause in all honesty i can tell you, if guns were legal, i wouldnt be here writing this.
yes i exercise. i exercise daily. it is a distraction, that is all. like everything else on my life, it occupies me as long as it is happening. just like my writing. when it stops all i have is myself and my mind. i love my mind but sometimes it is my enemy.
i feel as if im biding my time. i watch my children and laugh with my grand daughter and all i can think of is the after. the ache is overwhelming. it seems every time i think ive found something or someone who can help me, they, or it, step back so far i can no longer reach them. i cant do this alone, i know that. but right now, i am all i have. and that is not a good thing.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
I used to feel like no matter what I did I couldn't shut my mind off or even control where it wanted to go at any given moment. It sucked. I sometimes think I finally managed to kill enough brain cells that the engine just isn't as powerful anymore and tends to leave me alone way more often than it used to. I'm not sure I can advise that people just get dumber to deal with depression as that doesn't seem like a viable solution.
Again, I wish I knew what to say.
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i wish i could get dumber, but i cant. and i think thats more than half the problem. i dont know what to do. i cant involve people cause im misanthropic. but i know i need them. i know i cant deal with it on my own. there are things i need that i cant give myself. i just scream loud inside myself and when it becomes too much i hurt myself. im not proud that i do it and im not looking for sympathy or understanding, (cause who could understand someone who chooses to hurt themselves to deal with their psychosis?).
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
i know what you're saying about the not being 'sad' thing. i'm gonna get heavy here so bear with me.....as a Christian and being around other Christians a LOT, they are always telling me that i must not have enough faith in God, i've just got to pray more and believe that God can heal my pain, that i don't need meds to make me happy, i should read and memorize more scripture, that i need to hang out with more Christians, i shouldn't be reading that book, listening to that music, or watching that TV show or movie....as if all those things are making me 'sad'. it's sooo frustrating! i haven't been to church in a while because everyone has questions for me, asking me how am i really doing? what's really going on? and a Christian doctor telling me to go to more counseling. and counselors telling me that i'm co-dependent, that i should read this book, listen to this tape, come to this session....agh!
anyway, i am a Christian, i just don't like most of the other Christians out there....:o and i'm not just 'sad', i really do have a problem with depression and with that (for me) comes anger. so i ignore all the 'advice' and take my meds, and do all the things that make ME happy whether it's going out to a bar, or staying home alone for the WHOLE weekend, even if it is the holidays.
sorry for the rant, but it seemed like the perfect place to get this all out.....and i really do feel better.
You got to spend it all
that's as far as i got.
i am an atheist.
i do all the things that i 'think' will make me 'feel' happy. but they make me feel fake. i know seeing live bands thrills me, but it thrills me only so long as the band is playing. there is nothing in my life that sustains me.
i do not take meds because i do not want to alter the way my brain works. i know that may sound self defeatist but i cant have my brain thinking differently than it does. i write to get the toxins out, but lately ive discovered that it is not working. i do not want to be here but i am too gutless to make myself leave this place.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
LOL, i know that's why it came with a warning! :eek:
edit: but i think it's good if you decide to read it, it's my rant as a Christian against most other Christians....:o
You got to spend it all
i totally respect your beliefs and decisions that you've made for yourself. that's the point i was trying to make...i just hope it came across the way i wanted it to.
you've always got to stay true to yourself, even if that alienates others. it's their problem if they can't deal with who you really are, and it's their problem if they can't respect your decisions.
oh, and also, i think it takes courage for you to do what you're doing. i'm sorry that the usual outlet isn't helping. hopefully you'll find something else to help get it all out. i know for me 'the outlet' for my anger or depression always changes.
You got to spend it all
Cate, what harm can it do to just call someone if you're already feeling so low? The worst that can happen is nothing... and you still feel just as bad
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
and if you lose respect for yourself... what then?
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
ok so i know this may sound silly, but Mariah Carey actually inspired me with one of her songs....maybe Make It Happen and Can't Take That Away. but when i get down to my lowest points, i remember that i'm the one that's got to take care of me and make things happen. just remember the family around you and your closest friends really care about you and would miss you if anything happened. i know it's hard because you just can't make yourself be happy....but do something for you. i don't even know if i'm making sense, but i'm trying. ultimately you've got to learn how to respect yourself again. you are valuable whether you know it or not.
You got to spend it all
do you know what misanthropy is? do you understand what it takes to even let people in my circle? and thats only cause i 'think' i should at least try. im not allergic to anything but if i was, it would be people. i cant deal with them as a species. i cant deal with them for any length of time. it is what makes it so difficult for me to deal with anything. sure ive been in social circumstances, and i dont make a habit of it, and they have me counting the minutes until i can escape. i can not overstate my aversion to people enough. sure there are certain people i allow close to me, but ive come to discover that aside from one or two, or maybe im deluding myself with that, i can not deal with people. its that simple, or maybe not so simple. the worst that can happen is that i get extremely aggravated and feel the need to hurt myself. if i add drugs into the mix i would be dead. is that low enough for you helen?
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
it doesnt matter. nothing matters. my family have no clue, though last july my father informed me that the family think i am dysfunctional. you can imagine how that made me feel. as for friends(not that i have more than handful), i can honestly say there is only one who gives a damn... who has expressed concern. there is another i thought cared but i think i am mistaken. he seems too fucked or distracted himself, to give a shit about me. anyhoo.. the point is i dont care anymore. i am counting down til i can leave. how i will do that i do not know... when it will happen... again... i do not know.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
It was just a suggestion cate. You sound like you don't wanna be how you are but you don't wanna change either. so it's a obviously not a good situation.
Besides, I think you've done pretty well at being sociable on this board... whether you realise it or not
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
and that is because this board to me is not real life. i dont have to absorb the energy from actual bodies. i dont have to interact with actual people. this board is safe for me and that is why is means so much to me and why it pains me so much when i fall out with people here. to be honest helen, im not that sociable here. it pains me and pleases me in equal parts that i seem to be unapproachable. and for the most part its ok. its just sometimes it gets too much.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
I've been there where it all got too much. I didn't wanna talk to anyone... just locked myself in my room... cried pretty much at the drop of a hat, on the bus, in the street, anywhere... my housemates pissed me off anytime they tried to talk to me... I didn't even SEE their efforts... just wanted them to go away... it didn't matter to me that they cared cos I didn't see it... all I cared about was how I was feeling.
That's like a whole lifetime ago. I know your situation is different but things CAN change.
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
see the difference is i want ME to go away. i know who cares about me cause they express it. others just tell me they dont want to know. and it is those that i need to feel it from the most. or so i think. the person who tells me they care means the world to me, but as much as it is, it isnt enough for me. and it is that fact that makes me feel like shit. it feels like a betrayal to that particular friend.
i snap and when i do it scares me. i get violent and totally out of control. i know it is me and yet i hate myself for it.
take a good look
this could be the day
hold my hand
lie beside me
i just need to say
i'm not trying to tell you what to do, but i'm worried about you :(, and on some level i know how you feel. i used to wish for non-existence. it's not that i wanted to kill myself, i just didn't want to exist so i wouldn't have to worry about it. God or no God, i believe everyone is here for a reason. when i got on meds it took alot of those feelings away. kind of like, i had cloudy skies, and now i have mostly clear skies and the sun is shining most of the time. i feel like i'm now who i have been all along....and i'm not so weighed down anymore. i really don't want this to come across negatively, i'm just worried. i don't know you and you don't know me, but like i said, on some level i know how you feel.
You got to spend it all
Hypomania was by far the best of them all. I felt happy and euphoric, while till being in touch with reality. I had spiritual revelations, too, and yet remained grounded and okay. My concern when I had hypomania, was that I could slip into mania, where I lost touch with reality.
I once read by a psychologist, that hypomania is similar to the state self-actualized people are in, where they are naturally in touch with inSights others don't see. And that when we are around hypomanic people, we should listen carefully to them, because they are attuned with a wisdom that is not common. People will all forms of bi-polar disorder are considered to tend to be creative geniuses, hinging on the fact that they touch into deeper dimensions of life. Often their family members are more creative than the average person, as they have a natural ability to tap into deeper creative sources creativity due to the familial link, while not having a disorder.
Since I've moved past having bi-polar disorder, and into self-actualization, I often feel in states similar to hypomania, without any negative side effects. It's awesome.
http://www.myspace.com/illuminatta
Rhinocerous Surprise '08!!!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
We all know that having these "symptoms" is "bad": being energetic, euphoric, overflowing with new ideas, and sometimes highly confident and charismatic...oh right...and having high self-esteem....:rolleyes:
http://www.myspace.com/illuminatta
Rhinocerous Surprise '08!!!
Verona??? it's all surmountable
Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
Wembley? We all believe!
Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
Chicago 07? And love
What a different life
Had I not found this love with you
I have a really big emotional capacity. I feel things deeply. I feel very fortunate to be so sensitized, and to sense things that others often overlook. To me this is a blessing. I've been through a lot of stuff in my life, and I let those old feelings come up all the time so I can feel them and release them. So when I feel deep pain...in the past, I was VERY uncomfortable with that and I constantly tried to block it and then it turned to a disorder. I didn't know how to deal with my natural responses to life, which are probably more intense than most people's. Now having accepted my feelings, I've developed ways to deal with them that are healthy. And I understand that those feelings are there for a reason. So I fully welcome that deep pain. And therefore, there is no longer a dark side to when I feel the positive emotions like when I'm joyous or euphoric. I get to experience heightened emotions in a balanced way. And all the aspects of disorder have now disappeared. I am at peace with how I experience life.
People, including professionals, tend to see these disorders as distinct. Like you either have an illness or not, and really, there is a lot of grey area, and a lot of it is arbitrary, and depending on how we experience it. Mental illness is different than physical illness in this sense. It usually does not have an objectively quantifiable illness/pathology on a physical level.
If I were no longer able to balance these traits enough to feel healthy and okay, and if I sought help, it would be considered that I have a disorder, again.
Yes, I agree about if you killed someone...and if you killed someone, it would indicate that you were not balanced and healthy, and they would look to find out what was wrong and would give it a label.
http://www.myspace.com/illuminatta
Rhinocerous Surprise '08!!!