For the first time in my life, I'm scared and don't know what to do.

urbanhippie

Venting, purging or catharsis, thats what this place is for many people. I know you said you're not seeking advice, but there's been a lot of good stuff said here. You need to do what you feel is right and know that there are lots of good vibes coming your way whichever path you choose.

Good luck and best wishes on making these difficult decisions. I'm sure they'll be the right ones for you

JaneNY

If it was me, I'd go with the job in the meantime, then speak to the employer if you need a little time off around a weekend or several weekends. If your family loves you, they'll want to know that you are set and independent, able to support yourself, rather than ruining your chances of having a decent life. I'd tell my kid to take care of herself first, rather than giving up a job for me.

Lizard

i don't have a lot of advice to give--never been my strong suit but I would lean towards not jeopardizing your job .

Take care

(((((EvilMerlin)))))

Sometimes life just plain sucks.

JOEJOEJOE

If you do go ahead with your job, will the financial rewards help you better deal with the family issues in the long run?

nick1977

I don't know what to say. I understand the pressures job v. family bring. I always try to put my family first (at least my wife and daughter). As far as parents and siblings, that is a tougher question.

If they really need your physical pressence, then by all means stay. For example, if your mother is dying, and it is up to you to take care of her, then stay. But if they just need you for emotional support, then I'd say go with your job and call every night, and make frequent trips home on the weekends. I can't really say this is what you should do without knowing more details, but that is my first thought.

Really, you have to weight the long term effects of your decision. If the job thing just comes down to money, and if this willl hurt your relationship with your family, then it is the wrong thing to do. If it is more complicated than that and your family i behind you, then listen to them and maintain those relationship.

Best of luck. I know decisions like this are very difficult.

EvilMerlin

JOEJOEJOE wrote:

If you do go ahead with your job, will the financial rewards help you better deal with the family issues in the long run?

I'm going with the job. It doesn't really help anyone but myself. The money might come in handy, it all depends on how everything works out, but that's later on down the road. However all the money will be gone more than likely by the time I get back.

In the two or three months I'll have enough saved up to be completely debt free, have my match limit hit for my 401K, and have enough left over to open up a second retirement account.

Not to mention the experience I'll gain will give me a huge advantage. I'm getting a raise just to go, and I won't even touch my paychecks at all while I'm there. The perdiem I'm getting, I'll only use about half of that to live, monthly, and the other half goes right with my paychecks as well. So it's a huge win for me, plus in October I'm up for review for a promotion chance, if not, another raise. I can't not go, for myself.

As far as the family, I know someone asked, the guy that I need to distance myself from is already gone. I had to sit down and talk to him for the sake of everyone and talk him into leaving, which he did. It's just a matter of cleaning up his path of madness and figuring out a plan to live and move on from this point. I've always been the one to do this for a few and it's what I'm good at and I know when I'm needed, it's just this time I can't. And if something goes wrong, or he returns with any kind of vengence, or any of the if's that of course I shouldn't, but am dwelling on, I just don't know.

I guess it's eating me inside because I can always figure out any situation that works through everything. This time I can't. I can only sit and wait until I get back. It'll be hard to enjoy myself as I'll already be feeling guilty, and that's all I wanted to try and do while working, is enjoy myself and be stress free from anything financial related for once. I never thought that I'd be 25, completely debt free and have some kind of growing retirement. I knew that at some point in life I'd get there, just never thought this quickly, and I can't even enjoy it right now. Grrrr. I guess I need stress of some form if I've got another aspect of life figured out.

I've just never felt this way before, with hurt, betrayal, depression, anger, everything wrapped into one. It's....weird. That's all I can say is I've just felt weird.

libragirl

I'm really sorry :(. My thoughts are with you. I didn't really read everyone's responses but I would say you need to go with your job and maybe try to explain the situation to them and maybe they will let you go home if you need to. That sucks about what happened with that person..esp. someone you knew so long...I know how it is one someone does a 180 on you..but that is a long time to know someone and to have that happen. :(

Again, I am really sorry and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

just tina

this sounds heartbreaking, i'm sorry.

JaneNY

I don't know if this helps, but I've come to accept, in family matters, that there are certain things you just can't fix, and that the fixing has to come from inside another person. Its almost empowering, because its like it gives you the permission to let go. That old saying about having the courage to change what you can, the patience to accept what you can't, and the wisdom to know the difference, is something I keep in mind. Best wishes to you - maybe you could keep us posted.

riffrandall

Also one other thing:
Courage is doing the right thing even when it doesn't feel like the right thing. It is not: not being afraid.

PJPixie

JaneNY wrote:

I don't know if this helps, but I've come to accept, in family matters, that there are certain things you just can't fix, and that the fixing has to come from inside another person. Its almost empowering, because its like it gives you the permission to let go. That old saying about having the courage to change what you can, the patience to accept what you can't, and the wisdom to know the difference, is something I keep in mind. Best wishes to you - maybe you could keep us posted.

It's called the Serenity Prayer (I'm an Al-anon-er)

~God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.~

That Prayer/Saying/Motto has gotten me thru some really tough things.

Jeanie

EvilMerlin wrote:

.... I've always been the one to do this for a few and it's what I'm good at and I know when I'm needed, it's just this time I can't.....

EvilMerlin wrote:

I guess it's eating me inside because I can always figure out any situation that works through everything. This time I can't. I can only sit and wait until I get back. It'll be hard to enjoy myself as I'll already be feeling guilty

EvilMerlin wrote:

I've just never felt this way before, with hurt, betrayal, depression, anger, everything wrapped into one. It's....weird. That's all I can say is I've just felt weird.

Sometimes shit happens in life and all you can do is hang on to the magic carpet and see where it takes you. Perhaps the purpose of all this is for you to learn that you can't always, no matter how organized, or how much in control you are normally, you can't always be in control. Some things you can't change and some things you can't fix and maybe the thing that you'll take from this is that if you're doing your best, if you've covered it all, gone over it and over it, done everything in your power that you can do, well sometimes all you can do then is sit back and float and watch it unfold. Wait it out calmly and see what happens if you stop struggling against it or trying to change it or control it or fix it. Maybe you'll come out of this and discover that you don't have to be the one that sorts all this stuff out all the time, that whatever will happen will happen regardless of anything you do. If you can, don't beat yourself up, you've done everything you could possibly do and now you're here and it's still all up in the air, so let time pass, let the story for each of the players, just play out. Just ride the wave, see where it goes.

pouch15

EvilMerlin wrote:

a family member is now on their death bed.

Another person who I'm very close with as in, immediate family line, is not the person I ever thought I knew growing up.

For the sake of another long story, and for the sake of the people I love, as one direct recipient of what's happening frequents the board, not to post, but to read, I'm not so sure I'm in the place to say anything at the moment.

25 fucking years of being around someone and having no clue who they are in the end is a very weird, scary feeling.

It's not so much I'm here for advice, as it is for, well I'm not really sure. This doesn't succeed as a vent either.

I'm not sure why I came here, I'm sorry, I guess sometimes anonymity can be comforting.

Those who give into temptations aren't necessarilly a bad person, but those who offer one those temptations is no better than the devil, if he were to exist.

sorry to ask, what does inmediate family line means?

PJPixie

Jeanie wrote:

Sometimes shit happens in life and all you can do is hang on to the magic carpet and see where it takes you. Perhaps the purpose of all this is for you to learn that you can't always, no matter how organized, or how much in control you are normally, you can't always be in control. Some things you can't change and some things you can't fix and maybe the thing that you'll take from this is that if you're doing your best, if you've covered it all, gone over it and over it, done everything in your power that you can do, well sometimes all you can do then is sit back and float and watch it unfold. Wait it out calmly and see what happens if you stop struggling against it or trying to change it or control it or fix it. Maybe you'll come out of this and discover that you don't have to be the one that sorts all this stuff out all the time, that whatever will happen will happen regardless of anything you do. If you can, don't beat yourself up, you've done everything you could possibly do and now you're here and it's still all up in the air, so let time pass, let the story for each of the players, just play out. Just ride the wave, see where it goes.

I'm going to save what you wrote (above) because it sums it all up so perfectly. It took me years to figure that shit out........and it's still a constant battle.

Jeanie

PJPixie wrote:

I'm going to save what you wrote (above) because it sums it all up so perfectly. It took me years to figure that shit out........and it's still a constant battle.

Thanks. Yeah, me too. I still struggle mightily against stuff from time to time, racing around like a rat in cage thinking that it will help, that anything I do will help, that action is better than inaction, but it rarely does, well maybe only serves to exhaust me, or prove that all my action is not going to change what is, in which case then I do then just lie back and float and see what happens. Maybe we have to do all the running around and trying in order to reach the part where we just give it over to the fates or whatever? Maybe it's part of the process? I don't know. But it took me a lot of years to see that sometimes it's ok to do nothing for a bit, that when you've done everything humanly possible and it's still not sorted well sometimes it's ok to just stop, sit back and just wait and see.

EvilMerlin

pouch15 wrote:

sorry to ask, what does inmediate family line means?

Moms, Dads, brothers, sisters, kids. That's what I meant by it. Sorry about that.

Heineken Helen

Jeanie wrote:

But it took me a lot of years to see that sometimes it's ok to do nothing for a bit, that when you've done everything humanly possible and it's still not sorted well sometimes it's ok to just stop, sit back and just wait and see.

Yep, I agree... sometimes the best course of action is to do nothing at all. You can only control your own actions and it's not always up to you to fix the mistakes of others. When you let go, really let go, it feels good.

So you've made your mind up Merlin... now that you've given a bit more info, it DOES sound like the right choice. You're 25... you've always been the one to fix stuff... well it sounds like you have some karma credit. Take a break from the fuck ups of others and just go! One thing though, you need to be sure that whatever happens you're not going to feel guilty for doing this. That's one thing I've had to think about a lot in my life... some things I've done and some amendments I've made were purely for selfish reasons... e.g. if/when that person dies there is NO way I'm going to be guilty for anything! I've done what I could and it got to the point where there was no more I could do. You need to clear this with yourself first.

EvilMerlin

Heineken Helen wrote:

Yep, I agree... sometimes the best course of action is to do nothing at all. You can only control your own actions and it's not always up to you to fix the mistakes of others. When you let go, really let go, it feels good.

So you've made your mind up Merlin... now that you've given a bit more info, it DOES sound like the right choice. You're 25... you've always been the one to fix stuff... well it sounds like you have some karma credit. Take a break from the fuck ups of others and just go! One thing though, you need to be sure that whatever happens you're not going to feel guilty for doing this. That's one thing I've had to think about a lot in my life... some things I've done and some amendments I've made were purely for selfish reasons... e.g. if/when that person dies there is NO way I'm going to be guilty for anything! I've done what I could and it got to the point where there was no more I could do. You need to clear this with yourself first.

Yeah I'm going, my work is making it a pain in my ass talking about them about trips home. They want to schedule when I go home rather than me do it, so I'm just going to shut my mouth and when something pops up I'm just going to take the emergency trips myself rather than deal with people down here to create my schedule for me while I'm off in Washington. I guess I'll just kind of ignore it. I get four day weekends once a month, so I'd rather save those for when I need them, not when they want me to go.

My only complaint with myself right now, I'm sure I'll be able to deal with the guilt and get that cleared, it's just my mood swings of, one second I'm excited to go in a way trying to give myself things to look forward to, like someone visiting me, or me coming back home. But then I get bored of the thought and go back to, ugh it'd just be easier if I stayed. Once I get there and get those thoughts to settle down, then it'll be a bit better. I know it's temporary, I guess what would help is if I just knew an end date as that's up in the air right now for when I get to come back home.

Or maybe PJ announcing a show or two at the gorge since I'll be right by there. That'd give me something positive in my mind and look forward too. Ahh here's hoping!

PJPixie

EvilMerlin wrote:

Yeah I'm going, my work is making it a pain in my ass talking about them about trips home. They want to schedule when I go home rather than me do it, so I'm just going to shut my mouth and when something pops up I'm just going to take the emergency trips myself rather than deal with people down here to create my schedule for me while I'm off in Washington. I guess I'll just kind of ignore it. I get four day weekends once a month, so I'd rather save those for when I need them, not when they want me to go.

My only complaint with myself right now, I'm sure I'll be able to deal with the guilt and get that cleared, it's just my mood swings of, one second I'm excited to go in a way trying to give myself things to look forward to, like someone visiting me, or me coming back home. But then I get bored of the thought and go back to, ugh it'd just be easier if I stayed. Once I get there and get those thoughts to settle down, then it'll be a bit better. I know it's temporary, I guess what would help is if I just knew an end date as that's up in the air right now for when I get to come back home.

Or maybe PJ announcing a show or two at the gorge since I'll be right by there. That'd give me something positive in my mind and look forward too. Ahh here's hoping!

See ya at the Gorge Brothaman.....................love ya!

EvilMerlin

PJPixie wrote:

See ya at the Gorge Brothaman.....................love ya!

If they do it...pre-part at my condo. Then we can caravan in.