Home› All Encompassing Trip

For the first time in my life, I'm scared and don't know what to do.

EvilMerlinEvilMerlin Posts: 1,865
edited July 2008 in All Encompassing Trip
My family needs me. Like really needs me like I've never seen before.

But my job needs me to move next week, for a minimum, 2 or 3 months.

This job has me set for life, if I burn a bridge and tell them I won't go a week before my arrival date, I'll ruin many contacts.

My family is telling me to go.

I'm afraid of what'll happen with me gone. I'm afraid of how I'm going to live with myself while I'm gone.

I'm afraid for once, I'm truly fucked no matter my decision and there's no way around it.

Sorry for bringing down the place that I love to see so happy and full of fun.
Post edited by Unknown User on
«1

Comments

  • chadwickchadwick up my ass Posts: 21,157
    what is the actual problem dude?
    for poetry through the ceiling. ISBN: 1 4241 8840 7

    "Hear me, my chiefs!
    I am tired; my heart is
    sick and sad. From where
    the sun stands I will fight
    no more forever."
    Chief Joseph - Nez Perce
  • LostdoggieLostdoggie Posts: 257
    I've always found things I've worried very much about never end up being that bad...
    Sometimes life don't leave you alone

    8/20/98 - Montreal
    8/29/00, 8/30/00 - Mansfield
    7/02/03, 7/03/03, 7/11/03 - Mansfield
    9/28/04, 9/29/04 - Boston
    5/24/06, 5/25/06 - Boston
    6/28/08, 6/30/08 - Mansfield
  • EvilMerlinEvilMerlin Posts: 1,865
    a family member is now on their death bed.

    Another person who I'm very close with as in, immediate family line, is not the person I ever thought I knew growing up.

    For the sake of another long story, and for the sake of the people I love, as one direct recipient of what's happening frequents the board, not to post, but to read, I'm not so sure I'm in the place to say anything at the moment.

    25 fucking years of being around someone and having no clue who they are in the end is a very weird, scary feeling.

    It's not so much I'm here for advice, as it is for, well I'm not really sure. This doesn't succeed as a vent either.

    I'm not sure why I came here, I'm sorry, I guess sometimes anonymity can be comforting.

    Those who give into temptations aren't necessarilly a bad person, but those who offer one those temptations is no better than the devil, if he were to exist.
  • normnorm Posts: 31,146
    dude....shit dude......i am so sorry for the family stuff.....as tough as it is, if your family is saying go and if i were in your position, i'd go....it'll be painful as hell but every so often you have to think of yourself....
  • chiquimonkeychiquimonkey Posts: 9,337
    cutback wrote:
    dude....shit dude......i am so sorry for the family stuff.....as tough as it is, if your family is saying go and if i were in your position, i'd go....it'll be painful as hell but every so often you have to think of yourself....
    my words exactly. i am so sorry you're having a rough time :( i'm sure if you have to take some time off later to be with your family, they would understand.
  • South of SeattleSouth of Seattle West Seattle Posts: 10,724
    I say Go. Life is full of ups and downs, not being a certain place doesn't mean you don't care or love them.
    NERDS!
  • ToneTone Posts: 1,206
    That's rough. On the one hand, you have to look after yourself, but on the other... nothing's as important as family. If you have the support of your family to go, then you should think about going BUT if your employer has you set up nicely and you're positioned well, I think it would be worthwhile speaking with someone you trust there to see what can be done. You'll never know unless you ask, employers don't generally want to be seen as callous (although there are plenty of companies out there that are). You didn't plan this and it's not something that can be helped. I don't mean to sound flippant, but it's only a job. You don't live to work, you work to live.

    I hope things get better and that you're able to come to a decision that works for you. All the best.
    Glaciers melting in the dead of night and the superstars sucked into the supermassive.
  • iamsampjiamsampj Posts: 784
    i have an extremely sick family member. and living 3 hours away and not being able to visit as often as i'd like does make me feel quite guilty sometimes. well, all the time really. but, i do what i can...even if it's just calling.

    i agree with tone on talking with your boss or someone at work about the situation. there may be something that they can work out?!
    yes...i do feel like a human. i do not feel like a tree.
  • roarroar Posts: 1,116
    if my family needed me, i would choose them over my job.
    i agree with some of the other posts...try to talk to your employer about it. they might be more supportive than you think.
  • pjfan31pjfan31 Posts: 7,335
    EvilMerlin wrote:
    a family member is now on their death bed.
    I'm not sure why I came here, I'm sorry, I guess sometimes anonymity can be comforting.

    That's how I feel. Good luck with your problems.

    To me family is the most important thing in the world o me. No amount of $$$ can replace it.

    Follow your heart mate.
    Sydney 11/02/2003
    Sydney 14/02/2003
    Sydney 07/11/2006
    Sydney 18/11/2006
    Sydney 22/11/2009
    EV Sydney 18/03/2011
    EV Sydney 19/03/2011
    EV Sydney 20/03/2011
    Melbourne 24/01/2014
    Sydney 26/01/2014
    EV Sydney 13/02/2014
  • PJPixiePJPixie Posts: 3,026
    I wish I could tell you what to do sweetheart but I can't. It's strange really, I feel like you're my little BIG brother but in some weird way we work together.
    You know how I feel about your employer but it's not my job either.
    I will be here for you in whatever decision is made.
    Peace.
    The best use of Life is Love.
    The best expression of Love is Time.
    The best time to Love is Now.


    I'm never as good as when you're there.........
  • spongersponger Posts: 3,159
    If it's not your wife n kids, then go.
    reigning champion

    http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=272825
  • JeanieJeanie Posts: 9,446
    Can you spend every spare moment between now and the day you start the new job with your family member? Say and do everything you need to or as much as you can at any rate.

    Then start as scheduled but let your new employer know the situation and that you may need to return home?

    Ultimately, there is not a lot you can do to stop death when it comes a knocking but if your family are saying you should go, then you should and I'm sure if your new employer sees that you've fronted up at the agreed date then they'll most likely negotiate with you regarding the situation, which is an incredibly important one.

    I'm really sorry it's happening, a truly awful situation.
    NOPE!!!

    *~You're IT Bert!~*

    Hold on to the thread
    The currents will shift
  • spongersponger Posts: 3,159
    I think most employers would allow some slack for something as traumatic as terminal illness in the family. They probably want some kind of proof of course.
    reigning champion

    http://forums.pearljam.com/showthread.php?t=272825
  • Heineken HelenHeineken Helen Posts: 18,095
    Tone wrote:
    That's rough. On the one hand, you have to look after yourself, but on the other... nothing's as important as family. If you have the support of your family to go, then you should think about going BUT if you're employer has you set up nicely and you're positioned well, I think it would be worthwhile speaking with someone you trust there to see what can be done. You'll never know unless you ask, employers don't generally want to be seen as callous (although there are plenty of companies out there that are). You didn't plan this and it's not something that can be helped. I don't mean to sound flippant, but it's only a job. You don't live to work, you work to live.

    I hope things get better and that you're able to come to a decision that works for you. All the best.
    I agree completely. Merlin I'm so sorry about what's going on :o . Your family may be telling you to go but you admit you're scared. You have to do what's good for you. If you go with your job is that something you're going to be able to deal with in the future? Speak to your boss and just tell them you knwo the timing is really bad but you need some personal time off. There are very very few companies who would take issue with that.
    The Astoria??? Orgazmic!
    Verona??? it's all surmountable
    Dublin 23.08.06 "The beauty of Ireland, right there!"
    Wembley? We all believe!
    Copenhagen?? your light made us stars
    Chicago 07? And love
    What a different life
    Had I not found this love with you
  • EvilMerlinEvilMerlin Posts: 1,865
    Thanks all for your kind words, good vibes, and any advice you've thrown my way. I'm truly grateful. :)
  • failedpersephonefailedpersephone Posts: 3,424
    it's all been said - but you need to go with the job...talk to your employer and let them know that you may need to come home with out much warning...

    try to spend as much time as possible with the dying family member...

    and last, but not least - this "one you thought you knew" maybe being away from this person will give you a better/clearer perspective on their choices/reasonings behind their actions.

    above all try to breathe...

    go to sunset & sit by the water. ;)
    IF YOU WANT A PLATE OF MY BEEF SWELLINGTON, YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO PAY THE COVERCHARGE.
  • riffrandallriffrandall Posts: 685
    Just asking- is the move with the job something that is a little bit of a risk, maybe?
    A few years ago I was transferred FAR away from my family, the thought scared the shit out of me, yet was totally exciting & the chance of a lifetime- but at the time I do remember feeling like I should stay because my parents were splitting up & my grandmother was not well.

    Turns out my parents stayed together and granny is still alive & kicking. I took the risk & went with my job for a while, and it changed everything for the better.
    Whatever you do, good luck. Hope it turns out for the best.
    "If you're looking for someone to pull you out of that ditch, you're out of luck."
  • blackredyellowblackredyellow Posts: 5,889
    sponger wrote:
    If it's not your wife n kids, then go.

    Without knowing many details, that's kind of where I'm at.

    I live about 7 hours away from my parents, brother and all of my extended family. About 6-9 months ago, my older brother was in a battle with alcoholism that affected me, but really affected my parents on a daily basis... After months of fights, heartaches, and just really bad times, he finally went to rehab and is doing good... I felt terrible being so far away, both for not being able to help, and for not being there when times really got rough (suicide threats, etc.).

    My brother and I have talked about me not being there for him during the worst part of his struggle, be he totally understood my situation... And while him and my parents have patched things up, part of me is glad that I wasn't so close to the drama.
    My whole life
    was like a picture
    of a sunny day
    “We can complain because rose bushes have thorns, or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses.”
    ― Abraham Lincoln
  • Lukin66Lukin66 Posts: 3,063
    failedpersephone wrote:
    it's all been said - but you need to go with the job...talk to your employer and let them know that you may need to come home with out much warning...

    try to spend as much time as possible with the dying family member...

    and last, but not least - this "one you thought you knew" maybe being away from this person will give you a better/clearer perspective on their choices/reasonings behind their actions.

    above all try to breathe...

    go to sunset & sit by the water. ;)
    I think this is excellent advice, and I totally agree. I know a few posters said to speak to your employer, and I agree with that too. Seems to me that in the case of a family emergency, most companies are pretty considerate....I'm sorry this is happening to you, EM, especially during this huge transition in your life. You know we're here for you though :)
    deep, deep blue of the morning
    gets to me every time
  • urbanhippieurbanhippie Posts: 3,007
    Venting, purging or catharsis, thats what this place is for many people. I know you said you're not seeking advice, but there's been a lot of good stuff said here. You need to do what you feel is right and know that there are lots of good vibes coming your way whichever path you choose.

    Good luck and best wishes on making these difficult decisions. I'm sure they'll be the right ones for you :)
    A human being that was given to fly.

    Wembley 18/06/07

    If there was a reason, it was you.

    O2 Arena 18/09/09
  • JaneNYJaneNY Posts: 4,438
    If it was me, I'd go with the job in the meantime, then speak to the employer if you need a little time off around a weekend or several weekends. If your family loves you, they'll want to know that you are set and independent, able to support yourself, rather than ruining your chances of having a decent life. I'd tell my kid to take care of herself first, rather than giving up a job for me.
    R.i.p. Rigoberto Alpizar.
    R.i.p. My Dad - May 28, 2007
    R.i.p. Black Tail (cat) - Sept. 20, 2008
  • LizardLizard So Cal Posts: 12,091
    i don't have a lot of advice to give--never been my strong suit but I would lean towards not jeopardizing your job .

    Take care

    (((((EvilMerlin)))))

    Sometimes life just plain sucks.
    So I'll just lie down and wait for the dream
    Where I'm not ugly and you're lookin' at me
  • JOEJOEJOEJOEJOEJOE Posts: 10,616
    If you do go ahead with your job, will the financial rewards help you better deal with the family issues in the long run?
  • nick1977nick1977 Posts: 327
    I don't know what to say. I understand the pressures job v. family bring. I always try to put my family first (at least my wife and daughter). As far as parents and siblings, that is a tougher question.

    If they really need your physical pressence, then by all means stay. For example, if your mother is dying, and it is up to you to take care of her, then stay. But if they just need you for emotional support, then I'd say go with your job and call every night, and make frequent trips home on the weekends. I can't really say this is what you should do without knowing more details, but that is my first thought.

    Really, you have to weight the long term effects of your decision. If the job thing just comes down to money, and if this willl hurt your relationship with your family, then it is the wrong thing to do. If it is more complicated than that and your family i behind you, then listen to them and maintain those relationship.

    Best of luck. I know decisions like this are very difficult.
  • EvilMerlinEvilMerlin Posts: 1,865
    JOEJOEJOE wrote:
    If you do go ahead with your job, will the financial rewards help you better deal with the family issues in the long run?

    I'm going with the job. It doesn't really help anyone but myself. The money might come in handy, it all depends on how everything works out, but that's later on down the road. However all the money will be gone more than likely by the time I get back.

    In the two or three months I'll have enough saved up to be completely debt free, have my match limit hit for my 401K, and have enough left over to open up a second retirement account.

    Not to mention the experience I'll gain will give me a huge advantage. I'm getting a raise just to go, and I won't even touch my paychecks at all while I'm there. The perdiem I'm getting, I'll only use about half of that to live, monthly, and the other half goes right with my paychecks as well. So it's a huge win for me, plus in October I'm up for review for a promotion chance, if not, another raise. I can't not go, for myself.

    As far as the family, I know someone asked, the guy that I need to distance myself from is already gone. I had to sit down and talk to him for the sake of everyone and talk him into leaving, which he did. It's just a matter of cleaning up his path of madness and figuring out a plan to live and move on from this point. I've always been the one to do this for a few and it's what I'm good at and I know when I'm needed, it's just this time I can't. And if something goes wrong, or he returns with any kind of vengence, or any of the if's that of course I shouldn't, but am dwelling on, I just don't know.

    I guess it's eating me inside because I can always figure out any situation that works through everything. This time I can't. I can only sit and wait until I get back. It'll be hard to enjoy myself as I'll already be feeling guilty, and that's all I wanted to try and do while working, is enjoy myself and be stress free from anything financial related for once. I never thought that I'd be 25, completely debt free and have some kind of growing retirement. I knew that at some point in life I'd get there, just never thought this quickly, and I can't even enjoy it right now. Grrrr. I guess I need stress of some form if I've got another aspect of life figured out.

    I've just never felt this way before, with hurt, betrayal, depression, anger, everything wrapped into one. It's....weird. That's all I can say is I've just felt weird.
  • libragirllibragirl Posts: 4,632
    I'm really sorry :(. My thoughts are with you. I didn't really read everyone's responses but I would say you need to go with your job and maybe try to explain the situation to them and maybe they will let you go home if you need to. That sucks about what happened with that person..esp. someone you knew so long...I know how it is one someone does a 180 on you..but that is a long time to know someone and to have that happen. :(

    Again, I am really sorry and I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
    These cuts are leaving creases. Trace the scars to fit the pieces, to tell the story, you don't need to say a word.
  • just tinajust tina Posts: 277
    this sounds heartbreaking, i'm sorry.
  • JaneNYJaneNY Posts: 4,438
    I don't know if this helps, but I've come to accept, in family matters, that there are certain things you just can't fix, and that the fixing has to come from inside another person. Its almost empowering, because its like it gives you the permission to let go. That old saying about having the courage to change what you can, the patience to accept what you can't, and the wisdom to know the difference, is something I keep in mind. Best wishes to you - maybe you could keep us posted.
    R.i.p. Rigoberto Alpizar.
    R.i.p. My Dad - May 28, 2007
    R.i.p. Black Tail (cat) - Sept. 20, 2008
  • riffrandallriffrandall Posts: 685
    Also one other thing:
    Courage is doing the right thing even when it doesn't feel like the right thing. It is not: not being afraid.
    "If you're looking for someone to pull you out of that ditch, you're out of luck."
Sign In or Register to comment.