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How do you deal with In-Laws

WildChildRoseWildChildRose Posts: 568
edited June 2008 in All Encompassing Trip
This goes out to everyone in relationships who have had to deal with some shitty in-laws. Wondering how everyone else deals with this crap... here's my situation in a nut-shell.
My fianace has a sister whom I was friends with before I met him, that is how I met him. They don't always get along, she is a very controlling mean-spirited person at times and they constantly hit heads. She does that to her friends too and has a hard time keeping them. Recently she pulled it with me, we got into an argument and instead of being an adult, she pulled out the nasty card and started name calling and bashing me on her web-site. Really lame and immature for a 35 yr old.
Anyways when I ask my fiance to stand up for me, he says he doesn't want to be involved. She's shit talking to her whole family now and says I am not a part of it and never will be. Am I wrong to expect my fiance to stand up for me? He just says, whatever, ignore her.. etc. But way to make for an uncomfortable situation in my life. So now she's pulling in people, even my fiance's ex-gf from 10 years ago... I'm so sick of it.. It's enough to make me want to end this engagement if I'm going to have to deal with this crap all of my life.
What should I do? Should I just ignore them and let that family talk shit on me, tell me I'm not invited to things... etc.... and is it unreasonable to ask my fiance to stand by my side? I think its messed up if he goes to family events and leaves me behind... I love him very much but his family is screwy. :( Thanks for listening... and for any advice.
"I'll ride the wave where it takes me.."
Post edited by Unknown User on
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Comments

  • justamjustam Posts: 21,412
    If you are engaged to be married he ought to stand up for you. It's wrong of him not to.

    Ask him why he won't. :(
    &&&&&&&&&&&&&&
  • eyedclaareyedclaar Posts: 6,980
    I don't know that I have any advice but in my marriage my wife comes first and if my family were to be rude to her, they'd hear about it big time. Unless, of course, she had done something horrible to deserve their animosity.
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  • WildChildRoseWildChildRose Posts: 568
    eyedclaar wrote:
    I don't know that I have any advice but in my marriage my wife comes first and if my family were to be rude to her, they'd hear about it big time. Unless, of course, she had done something horrible to deserve their animosity.

    That's what I have been asking him... to put me first. And he says his family always comes first. If I'm going to be some second to his whole family, I don't see this is going to work. He just says he doesn't want to be involved and it's between me and her. He also says who cares what she says to the family, bc she has no credibility and he will talk to his family about it.
    "I'll ride the wave where it takes me.."
  • just tinajust tina Posts: 277
    guys usually don't want to be involved in arguments between women, but if she's taking it that far, that you will be left out of family events, and she's talking about you to that extent, then your fiancee should absolutely stand up for you.

    although not going to some family things might be a good thing.
  • just tinajust tina Posts: 277
    WildChildRose wrote:
    That's what I have been asking him... to put me first. And he says his family always comes first. If I'm going to be some second to his whole family, I don't see this is going to work. He just says he doesn't want to be involved and it's between me and her. He also says who cares what she says to the family, bc she has no credibility and he will talk to his family about it.
    you're engaged to be married! your family becomes his, his becomes yours...you can't come 2nd, what is wrong with this man.
  • NY PJ1NY PJ1 Posts: 9,533
    357 magnum
  • WildChildRoseWildChildRose Posts: 568
    Doesnt like the view wrote:
    guys usually don't want to be involved in arguments between women, but if she's taking it that far, that you will be left out of family events, and she's talking about you to that extent, then your fiancee should absolutely stand up for you.

    although not going to some family things might be a good thing.

    yea at this point i wouldnt want to go, but how that that look that he goes to the events without me? like i am not important to him? I don't know, I guess I could just ignore it but it's really hurtful and I didn't do anything to deserve it. I don't understand nasty mean-spirited people. She was texting me last night just crazy stuff and I showed my fiance who then said, don't involve me.... like I'm just supposed to put up with that. If my brothers pulled that crap, I would put them in their place. I know she wants to break me and my fiance up... but he just doesn't see it that way. Isn't it sad that some people focus all their energy on hating someone else and destroying their life?
    "I'll ride the wave where it takes me.."
  • WildChildRoseWildChildRose Posts: 568
    Doesnt like the view wrote:
    you're engaged to be married! your family becomes his, his becomes yours...you can't come 2nd, what is wrong with this man.

    I dont know, he says I'm not coming 2nd but I really feel like I am... :(
    "I'll ride the wave where it takes me.."
  • just tinajust tina Posts: 277
    WildChildRose wrote:
    yea at this point i wouldnt want to go, but how that that look that he goes to the events without me? like i am not important to him? I don't know, I guess I could just ignore it but it's really hurtful and I didn't do anything to deserve it. I don't understand nasty mean-spirited people. She was texting me last night just crazy stuff and I showed my fiance who then said, don't involve me.... like I'm just supposed to put up with that. If my brothers pulled that crap, I would put them in their place. I know she wants to break me and my fiance up... but he just doesn't see it that way. Isn't it sad that some people focus all their energy on hating someone else and destroying their life?
    it is very sad. i can't stand people like that.
    meanwhile, no you shouldn't be left out of anything and if you are, he shouldn't go either.
  • iluvcatsiluvcats Posts: 5,153
    take it from an old woman but it may sound negative...

    it won't get any better :(

    I thought you told me (about 2 years ago), that she blabbed something personal (about him) to you.

    I have two sister in law's who hate each other. They are both in the twenties. They won't forgive each other. The nasty stuff happened in 2006 and neither one will forgive the other, so they dodge family gatherings. One of them recently said the other one was not invited to her baby's baptism. They talk about each other to my mother in law. It does not affect me, but I'm just saying how immature and unforgiving grown women can be.
    9/98, 9/00 - DC, 4/03 - Pitt., 7/03 - Bristow, 10/04 - Reading, 10/05 - Philly, 5/06 - DC, 6/06 - Pitt., 6/08 - Va Beach, 6/08 - DC, 5/10 - Bristow, 10/13 B'more
    8/08 - Ed solo in DC, 6/09 Ed in B'more,
    10/10 - Brad in B'more
  • RygarRygar Posts: 8,689
    WildChildRose wrote:
    That's what I have been asking him... to put me first. And he says his family always comes first. If I'm going to be some second to his whole family, I don't see this is going to work. He just says he doesn't want to be involved and it's between me and her. He also says who cares what she says to the family, bc she has no credibility and he will talk to his family about it.
    Hopefully he talks to his family about it soon.
  • WildChildRoseWildChildRose Posts: 568
    Doesnt like the view wrote:
    it is very sad. i can't stand people like that.
    meanwhile, no you shouldn't be left out of anything and if you are, he shouldn't go either.

    I wish he would see it the way you guys see it. I don't know how else to present this to him... I don't know why he doesn't care how this is effecting my life and hurting me. My family is so the opposite... they are all very educated and nice. They don't talk trash and they don't put down each other. Two of my brothers are married to awesome women and my yongest bro is dating a really nice girl. Everyone is respectful. It's just sad that my fiances sister has to do this just bc we got into a argument. She takes things to all extremes....
    "I'll ride the wave where it takes me.."
  • iluvcatsiluvcats Posts: 5,153
    WildChildRose wrote:
    And he says his family always comes first.

    I would end it now.
    9/98, 9/00 - DC, 4/03 - Pitt., 7/03 - Bristow, 10/04 - Reading, 10/05 - Philly, 5/06 - DC, 6/06 - Pitt., 6/08 - Va Beach, 6/08 - DC, 5/10 - Bristow, 10/13 B'more
    8/08 - Ed solo in DC, 6/09 Ed in B'more,
    10/10 - Brad in B'more
  • eyedclaareyedclaar Posts: 6,980
    WildChildRose wrote:
    I wish he would see it the way you guys see it. I don't know how else to present this to him... I don't know why he doesn't care how this is effecting my life and hurting me. My family is so the opposite... they are all very educated and nice. They don't talk trash and they don't put down each other. Two of my brothers are married to awesome women and my yongest bro is dating a really nice girl. Everyone is respectful. It's just sad that my fiances sister has to do this just bc we got into a argument. She takes things to all extremes....

    My immediate family is the same way. We all get along and respect each other despite having different beliefs. If someone were to act all petty and vindictive (which would be weird in my family), the rest of us wouldn't hesitate to call them on their bullshit.
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  • WildChildRoseWildChildRose Posts: 568
    iluvcats wrote:
    DUMP HIM.

    That's exactly what she wants. She is creating this just so that will happen. I guess I can just ignore it and wait for her to do something to piss my fiance off... which happens often but of course now she is sucking up to him.
    "I'll ride the wave where it takes me.."
  • fanch75fanch75 Posts: 3,734
    WildChildRose wrote:
    Recently she pulled it with me, we got into an argument and instead of being an adult, she pulled out the nasty card and started name calling and bashing me on her web-site. Really lame and immature for a 35 yr old.

    That is fucking ghey. Beyond ghey.

    Unless you are just totally in the wrong, he should stand up for you. You're engaged. When a couple marries, a man leaves his mother and a woman leaves her father. This isn't just a cute saying, it means something. Aside from not wanting to stir the pot (way to take a stand there, buddy), what reason(s) does he have for not getting involved?
    Do you remember Rock & Roll Radio?
  • markymark550markymark550 Columbia, SC Posts: 5,173
    I wouldn't put up with that if I were you. If my wife's family started that kind of shit with me, I'd expect her to get involved in the situation and find out why they were saying those things. Then again, I'd probably confront them about it before involving my wife in the situation. I think (and hope) my wife would react the same way if my family ever did that, although I'd also have a few choice words myself.

    And the whole thing about you coming in second after his family is complete bullshit. When you both say 'I do' you become his family and the bond that you share should be the most important and strongest in his life. Otherwise, I'd think twice about getting married to someone who thinks like that.

    You've got every right to be upset with your fiance and the rest of his family. If he won't stand up to his family and help you take action, just do it all yourself. Sure, you might cause an even bigger rift, but if they are already acting this way I don't think you'd want to be around them all that much. Good luck with whatever course of action you decide to take.
  • WildChildRoseWildChildRose Posts: 568
    fanch75 wrote:
    That is fucking ghey. Beyond ghey.

    Yep that's exactly what I say... I guess I'll just try to hold it together and ignore all her attempts to bash me. It's just sad how she puts all her energy into such negative things. People like that are just sad and ugly from the inside out.
    "I'll ride the wave where it takes me.."
  • WildChildRoseWildChildRose Posts: 568
    markymark550 wrote:
    I wouldn't put up with that if I were you. If my wife's family started that kind of shit with me, I'd expect her to get involved in the situation and find out why they were saying those things. Then again, I'd probably confront them about it before involving my wife in the situation. I think (and hope) my wife would react the same way if my family ever did that, although I'd also have a few choice words myself.

    And the whole thing about you coming in second after his family is complete bullshit. When you both say 'I do' you become his family and the bond that you share should be the most important and strongest in his life. Otherwise, I'd think twice about getting married to someone who thinks like that.

    You've got every right to be upset with your fiance and the rest of his family. If he won't stand up to his family and help you take action, just do it all yourself. Sure, you might cause an even bigger rift, but if they are already acting this way I don't think you'd want to be around them all that much. Good luck with whatever course of action you decide to take.

    Thanks. Hopefully he will stand up for me. He claims that he will to his family but that he's not going to get involved in "our" fight. It's all good bc she is the one looking like the sour idiot when she posts nasty grams and texts to me.
    "I'll ride the wave where it takes me.."
  • fanch75fanch75 Posts: 3,734
    WildChildRose wrote:
    Yep that's exactly what I say... I guess I'll just try to hold it together and ignore all her attempts to bash me. It's just sad how she puts all her energy into such negative things. People like that are just sad and ugly from the inside out.

    Good on you for sticking it out. That's what you should do.

    He needs to make you priority #1, though. You're marrying the man.
    Do you remember Rock & Roll Radio?
  • just tinajust tina Posts: 277
    fanch75 wrote:
    Good on you for sticking it out. That's what you should do.

    He needs to make you priority #1, though. You're marrying the man.
    yea, what he said!
  • libragirllibragirl Posts: 4,632
    It is very bad that he doesn't stick up for you. Not a good sign at all. I have been in that situation and it came to a head. It was for the best. I don't want to be with someone who won't stick up for me.

    You really should try to discuss your concerns with him and if he isn't receptive I would rethink the relationship if I were you.
    These cuts are leaving creases. Trace the scars to fit the pieces, to tell the story, you don't need to say a word.
  • fanch75fanch75 Posts: 3,734
    Doesnt like the view wrote:
    yea, what he said!

    Yeah! Like I said a few posts up, they say that you "leave your parents in marriage" for a reason. It's not just a cute thing to say to make people go "aww, how nice."
    Do you remember Rock & Roll Radio?
  • eyedclaareyedclaar Posts: 6,980
    fanch75 wrote:
    Good on you for sticking it out. That's what you should do.

    He needs to make you priority #1, though. You're marrying the man.


    Fanch speaks with a wisdom that defies his taste in beer.
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  • WildChildRoseWildChildRose Posts: 568
    fanch75 wrote:
    Yeah! Like I said a few posts up, they say that you "leave your parents in marriage" for a reason. It's not just a cute thing to say to make people go "aww, how nice."

    ha ha yea I agree. Ironically his sister only likes him when she and I are fighting. Any other time she is always talking down on my fiance and telling me to just leave him and his son on the streets. He knows all of this too...
    "I'll ride the wave where it takes me.."
  • fanch75fanch75 Posts: 3,734
    WildChildRose wrote:
    ha ha yea I agree. Ironically his sister only likes him when she and I are fighting. Any other time she is always talking down on my fiance and telling me to just leave him and his son on the streets. He knows all of this too...

    I'm painting in broad strokes here, but sounds like this chick just lives in a constant state of conflict. Pissing off family and not keeping friends and all of that. Some people are that way and people generally don't change.

    I've read some stuff on here and you've given a lot in this (again just from what I've read). Took on this gentleman, who is a single parent, taken his child as your own, did your all to help find the kid when he went missing. Being a mom to this kid; something that is hard to do. You give & give & give and it's a shame that his desire to not rock the boat is overcoming what seems to be a pretty clear duty to stand up for this woman who has done so much for him.

    Sorry to go off - but I know someone in a very similar situation. :D
    Do you remember Rock & Roll Radio?
  • WildChildRoseWildChildRose Posts: 568
    fanch75 wrote:
    I'm painting in broad strokes here, but sounds like this chick just lives in a constant state of conflict. Pissing off family and not keeping friends and all of that. Some people are that way and people generally don't change.

    I've read some stuff on here and you've given a lot in this (again just from what I've read). Took on this gentleman, who is a single parent, taken his child as your own, did your all to help find the kid when he went missing. Being a mom to this kid; something that is hard to do. You give & give & give and it's a shame that his desire to not rock the boat is overcoming what seems to be a pretty clear duty to stand up for this woman who has done so much for him.

    Sorry to go off - but I know someone in a very similar situation. :D


    Thank you. That's why it makes me reconsider things and that just sucks.
    "I'll ride the wave where it takes me.."
  • markymark550markymark550 Columbia, SC Posts: 5,173
    Also sounds like his sister might be a little loco in the head if she's starting crap with more than just you. I guess some people need the anger and bitterness, but that just makes me feel sorry for them.
  • fanch75fanch75 Posts: 3,734
    Bytchez styll ain't shyt, tho.
    Do you remember Rock & Roll Radio?
  • WildChildRoseWildChildRose Posts: 568
    markymark550 wrote:
    Also sounds like his sister might be a little loco in the head if she's starting crap with more than just you. I guess some people need the anger and bitterness, but that just makes me feel sorry for them.

    Yea she's somewhat unbalanced. I think she is bipolar. She's been on prozac for a while. I guess Tommy (my fiance) doesn't want to believe his sister is that mental.

    I think my best bet is to ignore ignore ignore. If I don't give in to her petty BS, she's got to move onto her next victim.

    One of my best friends, Eve, is the one who introduced me to her. She is also no longer friends with her bc of the constant shit talking she does on her fiance! It's like never ending shit-talk!

    You are right, I should just feel sad for this bitter person.
    "I'll ride the wave where it takes me.."
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